You're Doing it Wrong

I've been (slowly) reading one of the books I got for Christmas, "Present Over Perfect", by Shauna Niequist.  We had done a video study of hers in my church Mom group way back when, and when I saw this book I thought it might be a good one.  Often I don't feel truly present with my kids.  I'm checking off a to do list (or wanting to), distracted by technology, or just trying not to scream like a banshee when they're misbehaving.  It's rarer than I'd like that I really dig in and spend high quality time with them.  So I figured a book that helped me figure out how to do that better would be great.

So far, I relate to some of the feelings in the book, but not the means of getting there.  So far it seems like she got to her stressful peak by saying yes to too many things.  I don't feel like that's my problem.  I suppose the reality is that I'm saying yes to stuff, but it's just not the usual stuff that usually plagues the overly busy.  I almost feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to say yes to anything else!  I say yes to the things I have to, and yes to the downtime it seems like I need.  Beyond that, there's not much time to say anything else.

I wish I could get up early.  Let's get that out there.  I dream of being a happy morning person, waking up early to work out, read the Bible, and start my day out with prayer.  My alarm rings at 6:30, but sometimes it takes me nearly an hour to stop snoozing and get out of bed.  That's unacceptable, but I'm tired!  I then spend an hour getting ready, packing lunches, and getting whichever kid I can out the door.

I do the 20 minute commute, work my eight hours, and do the 40 minute commute home (because construction sucks).  A kid or two gets picked up along the way, and by the time we're home it's usually 6pm.  During lacrosse season we have practice until late two days a week, and that makes the dinner thing extra tough and very late.  Usually at least once or twice a week I'm running errands on the way home, too, so then our starting point is 7pm.  I cook whatever I can muster--something everyone will eat and that we have all the ingredients for.  It's usually 7:30 or 8 by the time we get done with dinner, at which point I want to do nothing more than collapse into my chair and bond with my phone.  I chill for an hour and then it's time for the kids to go to bed.  Jacob usually takes care of himself, and Craig and I usually split the Carter duties.  After that, it's TV/computer/phone time until bed.  Throw in some laundry, bill paying, or other assorted duties once in a while, but mostly it's just veg time.  I should go to bed at 11pm, but usually I'm crawling into bed at 11:45, and the crappy cycle starts all over again.

I know I could cut down the evening veg time, but I feel like I need that to be functional.  It's sort of an introvert thing after a long day of work and loud kids, but let's face it--I'm just worn out.  How would I ever fit in friends, or volunteer activities, or anything else on a regular basis?  I really need to cram in a workout these days, too, so I have managed to fit that in.  It takes effort, but three out of four days I've done it.  I realized that one of my favorite dresses barely zips up (and is not comfortable), and another isn't nearly as flattering right now, so it's time to take control of myself, watch what I eat, and exercise.  I've let things go a little too far.  No one else would know, but there's an extra layer of fat all around right now--including a belly that no longer sucks in flat--so it's clear I need to shape up and see what I can do.  At least for a month until I need to wear one of those dresses to a wedding.

I feel like I shouldn't be this tired by the very limited day I live.  Some people have physically demanding jobs, or littler kids that take more effort, or need to be up earlier.  Some people have two jobs, or countless kid activities.  I don't have any of that, and yet...blah.  Craig's no better, unfortunately.  Between stress and a bad knee, it's hard to get him going most of the time, too.  All together it leads to some lazy parenting, so technology is around far more than I'd like.  Trying to remind the kids that there's an outside and a million toys in this house does not come easily these days, although Jacob is enjoying his basketball hoop and the pool as long as he has company.  But we should do better.  I'm hoping that getting myself moving will help in the long run with that.

It's frustrating, though, to not feel capable, and that's when I wonder if I'm doing something wrong.  Is this just how I'm built?  Am I missing something?  Am I just weak?  Are my kids just extra exhausting?  What's going on?  Do I just need more sleep?  Less stress?  Or would adding activities make my life fuller and therefore more interesting and energizing?  I can't say I've figured it out yet.  But I bought an Instant Pot to hopefully make dinner quicker and less scary.  I'm managing the exercise right now.  Still failing with bedtime and quality time with the kids, but one thing at a time?  I'll keep reading the book, because I'm sure there are tips, tricks, and commiseration I'll appreciate, but in the meantime I'll just keep wondering how the women who do it all do it all...because God knows I can't.  I can barely manage a little, apparently.  But I'll keep on truckin' on...