Anxiety

Lately a big theme around our house has been anxiety.  I have never been formally diagnosed with anything, but I've always been a worrier.  I come by it honestly, as my dad is, too.  I didn't even know anxiety was an actual diagnosis until a few years ago, and clearly I've thought about it a lot with everything we've gone through with Jacob, so I can't help but wonder if I've got a bit of low-level stuff going on right now.  No panic attacks or anything, but just an underlying sense of concern and dread about almost everything.

It was actually worse a couple weeks ago.  I think it's just the convergence of a lot of stuff.  It's been a battle against my fear of this horrible flu season, the threat of stomach bugs this time of year, everything we deal with with Jacob, a few random (but generally unfounded) concerns with Carter, my uncle's passing, and just the general feeling that nothing is in my control--which is absolutely true, and while I should be comforted that an all-knowing, loving God is the one in control, clearly that doesn't stop bad things from happening.  I then feel guilty because I'm worrying about things that aren't even happening, when I should just be focused on all of the good stuff I do have in my life.  Enjoy it while you have it, you know?  The harsh perspective when something bad does happen and you realize how much worse life can be (and how lucky you were before) is on my mind a lot.

I've long tried to remind myself that God created us to enjoy life.  He specifically told us not to worry.  In Matthew He says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  It's very true.  I'll get to this a bit more soon, but as I've been scanning my parents' photo albums, it's been a roller coaster of emotions seeing those that are no longer with us.  It's great to see them in better times but sad to know they're no longer here.  I've thought about how sad everyone in those pictures would be if they had any idea of what the future held.  So, while they may have savored that particular moment just a bit more, it would have detracted from the joy they had if they knew the future.  Which is why we don't know ahead of time.  God did that for a reason.  Focusing on today--and doing our best to savor it and make the most of it--is the best thing for all of us.

The problem?  I'm a planner.  I try to avoid future challenges by planning ahead, but in doing that I'm setting myself up for additional worry.  I want to ensure I'm not forgetting anything or setting myself up to fail, but then I have a lot of time to think about how things might go wrong or whether I made the right decisions leading up.

The other problem?  I don't like feeling stupid.  When I plan too far ahead, I feel like I'm setting myself up for some epic failure because I put too much stock in things going as planned.  I don't even like packing too far ahead of a trip because I worry we'll get sick and never make it.  I worry that if I enjoy a moment too much and assume the good will continue, that my foolish shortsightedness will be met with a tough reality check.  I think about my kids and how we should have many more birthdays to come...but then look at my friends whose kids never got those birthdays to celebrate, and feel guilty for assuming anything.  I want to live in the moment and appreciate it to the fullest, but often the only way to get myself to do that is to realize that it may be more short-lived and non-repeatable than I think.  "Enjoy it now because you may not get another chance," my brain says.  And while we should all live that way to some degree, I think my brain attempts to take it to that darker step further, if only because I don't want to be caught off-guard if something happens.  So, I think about the worst-case scenario and picture how I'll deal with it...no matter how presumptuous it may be.  I'm starting to think that's probably not normal, nor healthy.

This week has been a rough one for Jacob, and I'm starting to think he's dealing with some level of anxiety or possibly low-grade depression himself.  It's been a rough year at school.  His performance so far has been fine, but he doesn't like his teacher anymore and that seems to be impacting his desire to go.  I think she's gotten a bit nit-picky with his behavior, that she's quick to judge and yell if he's doing something other than what she thinks he should be doing.  I've tried to explain that he won't always like his teachers or bosses or co-workers, and this is good practice for learning to manage that and make the best of it.  But I also know he used to like school and does make a good effort when he feels motivated.  I think all of the nit-picking is driving down his motivation.  He seems to feel like he's getting a raw deal, so I guess I can't blame him for being discouraged.  It's not an excuse to give up and phone it in for the rest of the year, but I get it. 

Well, this week is break.  In a perfect world, we'd be off on a fun family vacation like (apparently) many of his friends are doing.  Or at the very least lounging and resting at home.  Instead, Craig and I are crazy busy at work, and Jacob's been going to the same camp he does in the summer.  Unfortunately, things are a little different and all of it has him bemoaning and rehashing everything--which I think is an anxiety thing.  He was worrying about having to take his snow boots in case they went outside in the 60+ degree weather the other day, since it could have been muddy.  He was worried about getting hurt ice skating, or missing the fun if he opted out.  He also doesn't like the one counselor.  I think that counselor's technique reminds him a little too much of his teacher's, so my hunch is that he thought he'd be getting a week off from that, and it threw him off when he encountered it in a place he didn't expect.  Ultimately he shared that he "just needs a break", which I get.  I spent every break and summer lounging around the house, and yes, I loved it.  I don't blame him for wanting to do that.  Craig gave him some time at home yesterday and I'm doing the same tomorrow (partly because I have a lot of preparation for Carter's party this weekend), so hopefully that helps a little.  But to see him so upset and unable to work his way through his problems this week concerned me.  We'll be chatting with the therapist next week, for sure.

A few weeks ago at my mom's group at church, the leader brought this book, "Anxious for Nothing" by Max Lucado.  She read a few passages out of it and I was instantly convinced I need to read it.  Of course, I have a stack of books waiting for me already, but I'm going to have to track that one down and read it.  I don't think I realized how all-encompassing the anxiety was becoming until she read the book out loud and I identified with it so much.  I don't like how the worries and worst-case scenarios infiltrate my thoughts so often, but the good news is that their impact goes in cycles.  Sometimes they bother me more, sometimes I can quiet them.  One of these times when I can't, I'll finally probably go talk to someone about it.  Life is hard enough without worrying about endless what-ifs.

I'm trying to savor life without the dark side creeping in, but it's not easy.  When you have a blessed life it's easy to look around and see those who don't, and wonder when your turn will come.  It's a horrible way to think, isn't it?  Hopefully at some point I'll find that cautiously optimistic happy medium where I can live in the moment without obsessing about when it will end.  Time will tell.