The Same Age

As of today, Carter is the same age that Jacob was when Carter was born.  It also means that Jacob is officially double Carter's age.  It's almost impossible for me to wrap my brain around.  Maybe it's because at the time I had pregnancy brain moving into the newborn fog, or maybe it's because they're such completely different kids that the comparison is nearly impossible.  Whatever the reason, it boggles my mind a bit.

Jacob seemed so much older, but that could be because he was so much more advanced.  He would ask us to spell words so he could write them, and he was starting to draw his own sports pictures.  He was clearly advanced in his athletic skills, and based on what I can tell, he was quite a bit bigger than Carter is now.  All of those things together make me think that we definitely saw him as older, and without any means of comparison, it just was what it was. 

In comparison, Carter was immediately "the baby" and has held that position to some degree to this day.  I tell him he'll always be "my baby", no matter how old he gets.  And for many other reasons, he's continued to seem younger.  He's smaller and skinnier, so he's always been wearing clothes at his age level or even a bit below.  Even though we're told all the time how smart he is, he's not as into academics.   We're still working on letters and understanding the value of numbers.  He uses some big words, but I'd say his speech is still a little on the younger-sounding side, particularly given the mild stuttering issues he has (mostly just repeating lines a few times until he can gather up what he wants to say).  He still likes to cuddle and play little kid stuff, and I am savoring every second I can because I know he'll be a real big kid soon enough.

But now that we've reached the same stage with kid #2 as when we moved into a new phase with kid #1, it is definitely making me think.  I mean, on one hand, we know that a lot of the challenging behavior (though certainly not the worst) had already begun to surface before Carter arrived.  It's comforting to know that we're at that age with Carter and things are still relatively normal.  We have our challenges, but we don't have any serious red flags as of yet.  Carter has been the baby for four years and eight months, but Jacob had that long alone with us and it was more of an adjustment than expected when he needed start sharing.  I wonder how Carter would react if he suddenly had a baby sibling to share time with.  He's more adjusted in general because he's always had to share us with Jacob, but I can imagine he'd have some new adjustments to make.  At the same time, I feel a little like we've failed him, as I think he'd be a great big brother.  He can be such a great helper and I think he'd appreciate the experience so much more than Jacob did.  It's not happening, of course, but I feel a little sad that he won't get the chance to try out that big brother role himself.  I got a little extra sad when I pulled out some of the 5T clothes and discovered two "Big Brother" shirts.  The one I made for the pregnancy announcement has been set aside for Jacob's memory box, but the other will probably be passed along to a mom friend of mine whose little boy turned five a few months back, just after earning his big brother title.  No sense keeping it around.

When Jacob became the big brother, no doubt we upped our expectations of him.  He had a big brother role to fill, after all.  He needed to become the protector.  He needed to be the helper.  He needed to be the one with the patience to wait until the baby stopped crying or had been changed.  I know why it wasn't easy.  I just wish it would have gone better.  Part of me feels like--little sibling or not--maybe we should be holding Carter to the same standard now that he's the same age.  I'm not sure what form that takes without the younger sibling to push him along, but I suppose we've been starting a little here and there.  He's had to push through his nightly preschool homework, learning how to draw certain things or remembering to bring objects with him to daycare.  I've tried to get him in the habit of cleaning up his dinner dishes, and he's long been pretty good about putting laundry in the hamper.  I hope these habits are helping him to become a more helpful, responsible person...even if he doesn't have the big brother role helping him along.

Parenting rule #1 is obviously to never compare your kids, but having such a momentous turning point as a means of reference is almost too much to pass up.  It's hard to picture Jacob at this age and think about what I might have missed out on when I was so busy with Carter at that point.  Because I know how quickly it goes, I am holding on to every single little kid moment with Carter...but I mourn for what I inevitably missed with Jacob.  Of course, it's easier since Carter is definitely sweeter and better behaved than Jacob was at this age, but I will miss this stage so much.  When I have flashes of the good stuff with Jacob, I do get excited for the big kid version of Carter...but I'm not sure anything will replace the hugs and kisses and hand-holding that brightens my day so much now.  This milestone is a vivid reminder that the next phase is coming sooner than I think.

Our two kids couldn't be more different.  Their uniqueness is what makes them special, and probably helps keep the everyday comparisons to a minimum.  But at a time like this I can't help but wonder how they'd compare if we could see them side-by-side at the same age.  I have a feeling we'd see more similarities than we'd expect...but then again, with these two, maybe not!