I recall panicking a bit beforehand, not about the gender itself but because I'd been focusing so much on the gender that it had barely occurred to me that they might find something wrong. I figured that would be some sort of terrible karma that my desire for a girl and the disappointment I expected to feel if it wasn't a girl might be quickly put to shame if something didn't look quite right elsewhere. I was so nervous. We almost had to go back for another round, as they didn't get a really good angle on the heart, but in the end the doctor was satisfied with what she saw, so we were fine...but for a couple minutes I was definitely nervous. I was pretty sure early on that I saw some "boy" evidence, but it wasn't until a bit later than the tech focused in on that area asked us if we knew what we were seeing. We did.
Craig was fine with it, of course, but I can't quite put into words how that moment felt. It certainly wasn't easy...and I felt like a jerk for feeling that way. Some people want babies so bad, and here I was feeling sad with a healthy, half-cooked baby boy in my belly. On one hand I was happy for Jacob to have a brother (ha, little did I know), and I knew Craig would love seeing his boys in action together. But for a woman, especially one who treasures her relationship with her mom, forfeiting the dream of mother-daughter bonding can be very difficult. There's a certain amount of mourning that needs to take place--the loss of the dreams of seeing yourself in your daughter's face, or playing together with Barbies, or wedding dress shopping, or seeing your baby girl have her own baby. While each of those may have some sort of boy equivalent, it's simply not the same. The girl bond is different, and I knew in that moment that odds were I'd never have it. And it hurt.
I cried a bit that day. I think that was it, though. I struggled a little after that, on and off for a few months, but I think the tears were only confined to that day. The stuff I struggled with after that was mostly the stuff I struggle with now--never having that kind of life-long bond, and knowing that someday my boys will have a woman that's at least as important in their lives (and if I stay #1, that becomes its own issue). I know I'll always be special, but it's just not the same kind of friendship a daughter can have. That part is still hard. But once I mourned, I focused on the good stuff and prayed that this little boy would be the best possible little boy I could ask for.
And boy, did God ever deliver.
I've said before that I'm pretty sure Carter has saved me as a mom. Being Jacob's mom has been pretty challenging, and there were times I was convinced I was the worst mom ever. And while I know I have certainly made my fair share of mistakes, having a kid like Carter has reminded me that I can't be all bad, and that this parenting thing can even be fun and rewarding. He is such a sweet kid. He gives hugs and kisses, he tells me I look pretty, he picks me flowers, he willingly complies with my requests/demands a good chunk of the time, and still embodies the same joyfulness that became apparent the moment he learned how to smile. I will never forget how people gravitated to him at Disney, a place that's full of kids, and marveled at how perfectly sweet and happy he was. His baby smile still makes me swoon, but the big kid he's become evokes such a different kind of joy, and I am soaking up whatever I can.
Out of the blue lately he's seemed to grow up in every way. He's catching up in physical size, now fitting solidly into 4T pants (and even having them be borderline short!) when he's consistently been a size below his age, both in his waist and his height. His letter tracing is getting significantly better, and his drawing is improving. With some coaching he can draw very recognizable things, and once he gets over his lack of confidence in attempting those things himself, I think he will be hitting it out of the park! I love hearing him explain things and tell stories so matter-of-factly, like such a mature kid. At daycare he seems to have mostly moved past the phase of punching kids and teachers and throwing chairs, and by all accounts the love affair there is back on all around. Everyone just seems charmed by him.
Sometimes I'm just shocked by his insight and deep thoughts. He probably talks about death a little too much for my liking--though rest assured, it's mostly in a positive way, like how if anything happened to me, he'll always love me, or how when he's dead he'll do something cool in heaven. And yes, I hope he doesn't know something I don't, but clearly the kid is thinking. He stunned me the one night a few months back where he said that if I went to heaven he'd grab my hand to keep me from flying up there, or if he was going to heaven he'd hold on to something to keep him here. I mean, seriously. Wow. He also has a great memory and will bring up something weeks later, which is always interesting. This morning he randomly asked me about why I'll be happy when I don't have to pay for my car anymore. A few weeks ago we were talking about how it might cost a lot for him to do karate, but that I'd be done paying for my car soon (yes, we're almost five years after the big accident), so maybe that would help us pay for it. I found it fascinating that he remembered the car part, though! I remember Jacob recalling the same kind of random facts, but as a parent I think it's always comforting to know the gears are turning in there.
Five years ago I had no idea who was in there, and today he's the best little buddy I could ask for. I may have been sad he wasn't a girl, but God gave me the best possible boy I could have asked for. And five years later I'll admit I'm pretty relieved that I don't have to deal with catty girls, periods, endless girl clothes, or tiny obnoxious toys. I sincerely think that this was my sign that I was not equipped to parent a girl. I could never manage self-esteem issues then, and I cringe to think what I might be like trying to help someone else through them now. Heck, I'd probably find a way to make them worse.
Everything worked out just the way that it was supposed to. I was supposed to be a boy mom. I wouldn't change a single thing about that sweet baby. It was the first day of the rest of our family, and five years later I can't imagine my world without him.
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