I'm sitting in a room that's part well-designed hotel and part hospital room. The usual equipment is there, but it comes served with a side of pretty textiles, warm paint, and innovative furniture. The TV is stocked with movies and the bathroom has modern colored subway tile. We have a corner room on the 8th floor, overlooking house rooftops to the south and the airport and part of the university campus to the west. I'm settled in on a mattress that was previously the back cushion to a double seat and table earlier today. Along the other window is another window seat that's ready in case Craig comes in on his way back from Toronto overnight. And in the center of it all is my little boy, my little trooper, finally sleeping after one of the longest days of his life.
It has been a long day for all of us. I was up at 5am, and Craig and Jacob eventually followed suit. My parents came into town last night and slept over to be with Carter all day. We were supposed to be here by 6:30. Strangely, everything was up in the air the day before when I called for our surgery time, and they originally told me he didn't have a set time and to call back this morning at 8:30. But when I called the doctor's secretary (a last-ditch suggestion from the surgery department), she texted the doctor and called me with the 6:30 time. Not sure what happened there, but we got here just a few minutes late. We checked in and shortly after were called back to the pre-surgery area. Everyone was in pretty good spirits, joking and laughing. We sat there for quite a while with various preparations from time to time. Eventually it was time to go back, and Craig got to don a pretty funny suit and go back with Jacob for the anesthesia. We went for a second breakfast in the cafeteria, since the surgery was expected to be an hour and a half, and hung out there for a bit.
We headed back to the waiting room, and we had barely gotten settled in when the surgeon came out and told us that he was done. Everything had gone fine, but when they got in there they could see that the tumor had busted out the back of the bone a bit (from what we could understand), which necessitated a metal plate to stabilize it all. It looks like he won't be able to put weight on it for a month, and then he'll have another month to recover before we can get back to normal. On the bright side, that will carry us almost to spring, so at least we have something to keep us distracted, right? Ha.
After a while we headed back to the recovery room, where he was just starting to wake up. He was very tired but was talking pretty quickly. Unfortunately, he also got nauseous pretty quickly. The nurse gave him some medicine, but a couple minutes later he threw up (thankfully all clear water, but it was pretty awful for him nonetheless). Eventually the anti-nausea medicine and the pain medicine found a balance, and while he wasn't perfect, he was stable. It was right around that time that Craig had to cut out and head up to Toronto for tonight's Knighthawks game, and shortly thereafter we got our room upstairs. Lori came to hang out in the early afternoon, at which point I headed down to grab a late lunch. Jacob watched a couple movies (including one of his favorite Scooby Doo ones), and my parents arrived with Carter later in the afternoon. We had a nice visit, and Carter was loving the view from the top. My co-worker met me downstairs with a present for him, a few more drawing supplies and a few Star Wars-themed items. I picked up dinner from the cafeteria on my way back up and ate it in the room.
As the night went on, Jacob got nauseous again. They tried the same drug they gave him earlier, to no avail. Lori left before 8pm, he threw up a little again, and then he got another anti-nausea medicine that put him to sleep as we listened to Craig's broadcast. I've been hanging out ever since, catching up online and typing this. I'm hoping for a good, restful night, but I know this is a hospital so that is doubtful. The room is rather quiet, however, aside from a periodic random bang from the bathroom (the next room's door?) and some outside city noise. We get periodic visits from the nurse and the tech, though, and I know better than to assume Jacob will sleep all night. Between the setting, the pain, the nausea, and whatever else, I'm sure he will wake up at some point. Which means I will wake up at some point. But he just looked so tired all day, red circles around his eyes and very little movement, so I know he needs the rest. He barely ate or drank, so despite the IV I'm sure that's not helping. Moving his leg hurts, and peeing is still a major challenge. He refuses to attempt the walker. So, we still have a ways to go to feel like we can go home with confidence, but hopefully the morning will bring a renewed energy to all of us.
Mostly I'm just sad that Jacob has to go through this. Despite our challenges, he was a trooper. He wasn't combative and was minimally cranky. He even scooted himself from his gurney to his bed, and was just content hanging out. He had periods of chatting incessantly about Minecraft as he built, and he stayed pretty calm despite the puking episodes. He really did pretty well. Of course, he did hit the nurse call button when I told him not to because the medicine wasn't working fast enough, and I think he needs to gain confidence in learning to use his arm and good leg to move around, but all things considered, he did well. I'm proud of him.
I will have more stories to tell and some pictures soon, but I think for now I'm going to get some sleep while I can.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Big Week...HUGE...
So...the week of surgery is upon us. I'll admit this week has me a little off-kilter. Between work, surgery, and a couple other things bouncing around in my brain, there is a lot happening. So much, in fact, that as I was putting away the last of the bins after taking down all of the Christmas stuff yesterday, I literally thought, "Oh, crap. Tomorrow's Monday. I have to go to work!" I knew all day that it was Sunday, so you'd think I'd know what comes next. But I guess all of the distractions of the week already have me a little out of the groove!
We're in a bit of a transitional phase at work, waiting for books to close on the calendar year. Half the time I have nothing to do and half the time I'm crazy busy. It's just the nature of this time of year, I think. But sitting there with nothing to do and knowing that it is definitely going to get busy at some point can be tough. I'd rather just get on it and spread it out a bit, but sometimes that's just not possible. So I wait and hope that my schedule over the next week and a half works out OK between Jacob's needs and work's needs.
Jacob has been counting down the days (literally) until surgery. I think he's just ready to move on from the boot and get himself on the road to recovery. His lacrosse team was the pregame tunnel team and the halftime team at the Knighthawks' opener on Saturday, and I think it bummed him out having to watch them from the stands. Well, he probably could have done tunnel team, but they do have to run a bit from the entrance to the field down to where they welcome the team, and I think that worried him. We've come to a point where we offer up the chance to participate and support his team, but if he doesn't want to, we don't push. We know this is tough for him. We ran into his coach at the game and he seemed a bit disappointed to hear the 4-6 week recovery time, but it really is best case scenario, I'd say, given how bad the leg could have been. Knowing how much pounding it has taken over the years, I'm pretty shocked it didn't break. Well, it possibly did based on what the doctor is seeing, but the fact that Jacob never felt it is pretty crazy. So, the countdown is on and so far Jacob is in good spirits. I don't think he really understands what's ahead, but with him it's a delicate balance between preparing him and totally freaking him out (hence why we had a massive fail when it came to preparing him for Carter's arrival, something we're still feeling the effects of three years later). If we give him too much information he will obsess and panic. If we don't give him enough, he will be caught unaware and be upset anyway. But finding that tipping point is very, very hard. To be honest, even we don't know a whole lot right now since we can't even find out the time of the surgery until Wednesday afternoon. I don't know where we have to go or what we have to bring or anything like that, either. I have a couple mental notes about little things I want to give him (a new drawing pad and possibly some colored pencils or other drawing instruments that are better than crayons but not as messy as markers), and a couple of potential activities for us while we're hanging out at home next week, but that's about as far as we've gotten.
I don't think I've mentioned that Jacob has started to play Minecraft. He got an iTunes gift card for Christmas that he was initially annoyed about, because his iPad is old and most apps don't support iOS 5.1 at this point. But then I reminded him how badly he wanted to download Minecraft. He'd been asking about it for a while a few months ago, then stopped, and then really got on me about it after he realized the gift card could buy it. I did some research on the safety and age-appropriateness, then consented to downloading it for him. However, he needed to be reasonable with the time he spent on it and if it started interfering in things it would be deleted. A week or so in, he's pretty addicted, not surprisingly, but we're monitoring it. He's only allowed to play in creative mode at the moment, so he's building himself a crazy city with sports facilities and a city hall and a million other things. It's pretty nuts, actually. I mean, on one hand I'm impressed with all he's done, and with his imagination in doing it. But I don't like all the screen time and I'm getting annoyed that he talks about it all the time. I've been there, though. When I was a kid, we borrowed a family member's Nintendo (while my cousins were being punished), I get quite sucked into Super Mario, to the point that my thumb hurt! And about 14 years ago I became pretty addicted to Rollercoaster Tycoon 2. Hours, I tell you. It's still on my desktop, but I haven't touched it in years, mostly because I know it's a terrible time suck. In the spirit of Jacob's blossoming obsession, I did download the free RCT app for myself! It's very different than the computer version, but it's been entertaining. Hearing that music again transported me right back to those days, though! I may offer to play the computer version with Jacob next week, since he seemed interested in it and it will give us something to do while he's laid up. In regards to Minecraft, though, I want to lay down a few very strong rules, but I feel like right now is not the time for anything new. He's going to need things to do over the next couple weeks, so I think it's pointless to be laying down the law right now. Once he's mobile again and has a few more options, we'll work on it. I do think we'll have to try to be creative and find other non-electronic things to keep him busy, but now is not the time to enforce new rules.
Speaking of which, yesterday I started reading "1-2-3 Magic", a book loaned to us by our family counselors that lays out a different discipline technique. I can't say I'm convinced it will work with Jacob, but I think Carter may benefit from it at this point. Still, I will finish reading it and hopefully once we're past the initial recovery we can consider implementing it. Keeping quiet and calm and not allowing the child to argue and debate are key components of it, and I know that will be hard for me since it's hard not to respond to some of the things the kids say. Jacob, in particular, has gotten very mouthy lately. He's developed this tween attitude thing, complete with the obnoxious inflection (you know, that way of speaking that combines total annoyance, disgust, entitlement, and a silent eye roll). We will be looking to nip that in the bud ASAP, but again, now seems like a bit of a tough time to start this program. In fact, the book cautions against starting it when kids aren't at peak health. We'll still have to be firm in the meantime, but we'll save the program for when we're prepared to stick with it. Regardless, I think a guideline for consistent discipline is a good thing. With this one, when we start counting, they will know exactly how long they have to shape up, and what's coming if they don't. We'll see.
On top of everything else, I'm facing down the one year anniversary later this week of the day I lost my job. That's been weighing on my mind a lot, for some reason, even though I'm in a better place than I was. At the Knighthawks game on Saturday, I visited with my former co-worker who got let go the same day, and she loves her new job, too. She's so much happier. Yet, we still said how awful the whole thing was to go through. I doubt I will ever forget the surreal, sinking feeling as it all went down, and I still think they made a horrible mistake. Regardless of where they stand now, I know for a fact there were a lot of people whose lives were made much harder, and others who could not get the things they needed and were promised. And now that the other analyst has moved on to greener pastures, I feel awful for my amazing former boss. She didn't deserve this at all. It was a short-sighted decision, and for that it makes me very mad. Even though I benefited in the long run from the interview training, resume re-write, and simply being able to focus on my strengths and how to sell myself, the path to get there was very uncomfortable. Had I not found my job like I did, I'm not sure where I would have ended up. Those "what-ifs" are scary, and for that this anniversary is still a little bittersweet. Perhaps it's also that it coincides with Jacob's surgery and it's a reminder of how quickly things can change. Sigh.
As I mentioned, the Knighthawks season started on Saturday, so we're officially in the thick of Craig's busy season now. His second game is Thursday in Toronto (yes, surgery day) so we're starting it off with a bang. I just wish they could have started it with a win. :-/
Carter made it through a week of underwear with only one minor accident (wet spot on the undies but pants were barely damp), so I think we'll call that a win. He's been doing great. I feel hesitant to call him potty trained, but we're pretty darn close during the day! I'm so proud of him! He's mostly ahead of Jacob at this point, though looking back it looks like Jacob had a good run after he turned three and then took a turn for the worse for a while. Carter had a second minor accident tonight, so now it's got me worried we've got another backslider. Still, I think Jacob was pretty solidly in underwear by 3-1/2, so we could be as much as six months or so ahead of the game right now. Not counting chickens, but I'm close!
So, yes, a big week. Lots going on, including some potentially interesting weather and an extended family funeral we can't even make. Oh, and there's one other (good) thing going on (not with us) that popped up today that's not sharable here, but suffice it to say that my mind is spinning pretty good right now with all that's happening this week. Stay tuned...
We're in a bit of a transitional phase at work, waiting for books to close on the calendar year. Half the time I have nothing to do and half the time I'm crazy busy. It's just the nature of this time of year, I think. But sitting there with nothing to do and knowing that it is definitely going to get busy at some point can be tough. I'd rather just get on it and spread it out a bit, but sometimes that's just not possible. So I wait and hope that my schedule over the next week and a half works out OK between Jacob's needs and work's needs.
Jacob has been counting down the days (literally) until surgery. I think he's just ready to move on from the boot and get himself on the road to recovery. His lacrosse team was the pregame tunnel team and the halftime team at the Knighthawks' opener on Saturday, and I think it bummed him out having to watch them from the stands. Well, he probably could have done tunnel team, but they do have to run a bit from the entrance to the field down to where they welcome the team, and I think that worried him. We've come to a point where we offer up the chance to participate and support his team, but if he doesn't want to, we don't push. We know this is tough for him. We ran into his coach at the game and he seemed a bit disappointed to hear the 4-6 week recovery time, but it really is best case scenario, I'd say, given how bad the leg could have been. Knowing how much pounding it has taken over the years, I'm pretty shocked it didn't break. Well, it possibly did based on what the doctor is seeing, but the fact that Jacob never felt it is pretty crazy. So, the countdown is on and so far Jacob is in good spirits. I don't think he really understands what's ahead, but with him it's a delicate balance between preparing him and totally freaking him out (hence why we had a massive fail when it came to preparing him for Carter's arrival, something we're still feeling the effects of three years later). If we give him too much information he will obsess and panic. If we don't give him enough, he will be caught unaware and be upset anyway. But finding that tipping point is very, very hard. To be honest, even we don't know a whole lot right now since we can't even find out the time of the surgery until Wednesday afternoon. I don't know where we have to go or what we have to bring or anything like that, either. I have a couple mental notes about little things I want to give him (a new drawing pad and possibly some colored pencils or other drawing instruments that are better than crayons but not as messy as markers), and a couple of potential activities for us while we're hanging out at home next week, but that's about as far as we've gotten.
I don't think I've mentioned that Jacob has started to play Minecraft. He got an iTunes gift card for Christmas that he was initially annoyed about, because his iPad is old and most apps don't support iOS 5.1 at this point. But then I reminded him how badly he wanted to download Minecraft. He'd been asking about it for a while a few months ago, then stopped, and then really got on me about it after he realized the gift card could buy it. I did some research on the safety and age-appropriateness, then consented to downloading it for him. However, he needed to be reasonable with the time he spent on it and if it started interfering in things it would be deleted. A week or so in, he's pretty addicted, not surprisingly, but we're monitoring it. He's only allowed to play in creative mode at the moment, so he's building himself a crazy city with sports facilities and a city hall and a million other things. It's pretty nuts, actually. I mean, on one hand I'm impressed with all he's done, and with his imagination in doing it. But I don't like all the screen time and I'm getting annoyed that he talks about it all the time. I've been there, though. When I was a kid, we borrowed a family member's Nintendo (while my cousins were being punished), I get quite sucked into Super Mario, to the point that my thumb hurt! And about 14 years ago I became pretty addicted to Rollercoaster Tycoon 2. Hours, I tell you. It's still on my desktop, but I haven't touched it in years, mostly because I know it's a terrible time suck. In the spirit of Jacob's blossoming obsession, I did download the free RCT app for myself! It's very different than the computer version, but it's been entertaining. Hearing that music again transported me right back to those days, though! I may offer to play the computer version with Jacob next week, since he seemed interested in it and it will give us something to do while he's laid up. In regards to Minecraft, though, I want to lay down a few very strong rules, but I feel like right now is not the time for anything new. He's going to need things to do over the next couple weeks, so I think it's pointless to be laying down the law right now. Once he's mobile again and has a few more options, we'll work on it. I do think we'll have to try to be creative and find other non-electronic things to keep him busy, but now is not the time to enforce new rules.
Speaking of which, yesterday I started reading "1-2-3 Magic", a book loaned to us by our family counselors that lays out a different discipline technique. I can't say I'm convinced it will work with Jacob, but I think Carter may benefit from it at this point. Still, I will finish reading it and hopefully once we're past the initial recovery we can consider implementing it. Keeping quiet and calm and not allowing the child to argue and debate are key components of it, and I know that will be hard for me since it's hard not to respond to some of the things the kids say. Jacob, in particular, has gotten very mouthy lately. He's developed this tween attitude thing, complete with the obnoxious inflection (you know, that way of speaking that combines total annoyance, disgust, entitlement, and a silent eye roll). We will be looking to nip that in the bud ASAP, but again, now seems like a bit of a tough time to start this program. In fact, the book cautions against starting it when kids aren't at peak health. We'll still have to be firm in the meantime, but we'll save the program for when we're prepared to stick with it. Regardless, I think a guideline for consistent discipline is a good thing. With this one, when we start counting, they will know exactly how long they have to shape up, and what's coming if they don't. We'll see.
On top of everything else, I'm facing down the one year anniversary later this week of the day I lost my job. That's been weighing on my mind a lot, for some reason, even though I'm in a better place than I was. At the Knighthawks game on Saturday, I visited with my former co-worker who got let go the same day, and she loves her new job, too. She's so much happier. Yet, we still said how awful the whole thing was to go through. I doubt I will ever forget the surreal, sinking feeling as it all went down, and I still think they made a horrible mistake. Regardless of where they stand now, I know for a fact there were a lot of people whose lives were made much harder, and others who could not get the things they needed and were promised. And now that the other analyst has moved on to greener pastures, I feel awful for my amazing former boss. She didn't deserve this at all. It was a short-sighted decision, and for that it makes me very mad. Even though I benefited in the long run from the interview training, resume re-write, and simply being able to focus on my strengths and how to sell myself, the path to get there was very uncomfortable. Had I not found my job like I did, I'm not sure where I would have ended up. Those "what-ifs" are scary, and for that this anniversary is still a little bittersweet. Perhaps it's also that it coincides with Jacob's surgery and it's a reminder of how quickly things can change. Sigh.
As I mentioned, the Knighthawks season started on Saturday, so we're officially in the thick of Craig's busy season now. His second game is Thursday in Toronto (yes, surgery day) so we're starting it off with a bang. I just wish they could have started it with a win. :-/
Carter made it through a week of underwear with only one minor accident (wet spot on the undies but pants were barely damp), so I think we'll call that a win. He's been doing great. I feel hesitant to call him potty trained, but we're pretty darn close during the day! I'm so proud of him! He's mostly ahead of Jacob at this point, though looking back it looks like Jacob had a good run after he turned three and then took a turn for the worse for a while. Carter had a second minor accident tonight, so now it's got me worried we've got another backslider. Still, I think Jacob was pretty solidly in underwear by 3-1/2, so we could be as much as six months or so ahead of the game right now. Not counting chickens, but I'm close!
So, yes, a big week. Lots going on, including some potentially interesting weather and an extended family funeral we can't even make. Oh, and there's one other (good) thing going on (not with us) that popped up today that's not sharable here, but suffice it to say that my mind is spinning pretty good right now with all that's happening this week. Stay tuned...
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
News & Notes, Carter Edition
In the midst of all of this Jacob stuff, I figured I should throw in a quick update on Carter! I can't believe his birthday is just over a month away! I really need to start party planning, actually. The cake has been planned--not as fancy as some of them recently, but I think it will be fun! I'll be winging it a bit, but I think he will like it! We're pretty limited on birthday party dates because of Craig's schedule and Valentine's Day, so it looks like we'll be celebrating a week early, assuming I can get my stuff together! I already have most of his gifts, though I'm leaving a little wiggle room for him to settle into his Christmas gifts, to see if there's anything he really gets into. I'm finding that Christmas overflow and those newly discovered interests are the perks to having a kid with a birthday so soon after Christmas. He started to get into gift opening and all that right at the end of Christmas, so I'm hoping his birthday will recapture that excitement!
I truly can't believe he's almost three. Three sounds very big boy-ish, but he's supposed to be my baby! It probably doesn't help that he's such a peanut. He's still only about 25 pounds and maybe 36 inches (?), which is so small compared to a few other kids we know. He blends in OK at daycare, but there's often a range of ages in his room so sometimes it's hard to tell. He still fits in a lot of 2T clothes, but some of the pants and sleeves are starting to get short now. I'm panicking a little, actually, since the pants are getting short but the waists on the next size up are still huge on him! Luckily his jeans are fine and he's still got a closet packed with shirts, so we're fine, but it's always sad packing away the stuff that's too small.
Speaking of which, over the weekend I put away a few toys that are more on the babyish side, or that he just hasn't played with a lot. We need to make space for the new stuff, so even though he may not have been totally done with some of them, we had to sacrifice the least used. I'll feel much better about the toy situation once I take our tree down (hopefully this weekend) and can get the rest of our storage back in the living room. Beyond that I need to start planning for Carter's big boy room, so I can envision toy storage for him there. We still haven't transitioned over to the toddler bed setup, though I think that will have to come soon. We don't have to truly switch things around until we move him up to a twin (at which point the bedtime reading chair will probably go, since we can sit in bed), but I'm trying to keep those changes in mind as I try to rearrange the living room toys. But it was sad putting those toys away, because I know they're not coming back out as toys for *my* kids. It wasn't bad with Jacob because I figured that someday most of them would be back, especially the gender neutral baby stuff. But now that it's basically "forever", it's sad. I know we should start donating, but I am keeping things around in the crawl space for as long as we have room and I am of childbearing age, just in case we change our minds or God specifically thinks we should be a family of five. I know the second that stuff is out of the house, somehow I will have a birth control malfunction. My mom says I should just get my tubes tied, but I have to be on birth control for my PCOS anyway, and anything too permanent scares me a bit. Must be my indecisive side!
Carter has turned into quite the silly little boy, though. He talks up a storm (still with his little stutter, unfortunately) and takes great pride in making Jacob laugh. It doesn't take much (and honestly, most of what makes Jacob laugh ends up being nonsensical and generally annoying). I know I should enjoy them laughing together, but most of the time it seems Jacob is laughing at him, rather than with him, so it's still not ideal. But Carter can be so funny sometimes. He can be very perceptive about things, too. Sometimes he says something that I wouldn't think he'd have made a connection on, and he has! He's still very loving and full of hugs and kisses. He has a stubborn side, though! He can be very hard to convince, so it's lucky for me he's still a lightweight! He's definitely not a morning person and sometimes he's needlessly grumpy about things, just for the sake of being grumpy, it would appear. But he's a pretty fun kid overall and I'm worried about how much I will miss him when I'm with Jacob in the hospital.
He still loves his cars and trucks, though pushing around his shopping cart and handing out food is still high on the list, too. He has some favorite stuffed animals and loves snuggling his blankets in bed. He always asks to watch Paw Patrol and Team Umizoomi on TV. My favorite part of most evenings is snuggling next to him on the couch to watch a show.
But the big update is that today marks day #4 in undies! We tried undies over the weekend and it went perfectly. I didn't do it on Monday because I knew I needed to grab some extra undies and pants for his bag, but yesterday and today he did great! It made me smile last night as we got ready for his bath and I looked at him running around in just his undies. On one hand I'm so proud of him, and on the other I can't believe my baby boy is big enough (especially with that tiny little body) to have on undies! He loves the Paw Patrol ones he got for Christmas, and I have some hand-me-downs from Jacob (dark colors, thankfully, but all still in really good condition) to get us through the week. I'll still probably be a little nervous when we go out in public, but so far he's been perfect. I am down to five more pull-ups and I'm thinking maybe we'll get one more small pack for car trips or other places it might be inconvenient, or where he might be hesitant to tell someone he has to go and an accident would be extra awkward (like Sunday School). We still have a way to go at night (although over Christmas he did have a couple dry nights!), but given Jacob's struggles with that, I have zero expectations on that front. We're about six months ahead of Jacob for daytime, so I will take it!
Anyway, I still find that I'm savoring every moment of being with him and that I'm less prone to wishing time away than I was last time around. It helps that his terrible twos have been manageable, though I'm definitely on guard for the threes, as we all know they're often worse! But I feel so lucky to have such a sweet, cool little boy to hang out with. I love his big brother, too, obviously, but it's nice to have one kid who returns affection and listens at least some of the time! I am one lucky mama to have him.
I truly can't believe he's almost three. Three sounds very big boy-ish, but he's supposed to be my baby! It probably doesn't help that he's such a peanut. He's still only about 25 pounds and maybe 36 inches (?), which is so small compared to a few other kids we know. He blends in OK at daycare, but there's often a range of ages in his room so sometimes it's hard to tell. He still fits in a lot of 2T clothes, but some of the pants and sleeves are starting to get short now. I'm panicking a little, actually, since the pants are getting short but the waists on the next size up are still huge on him! Luckily his jeans are fine and he's still got a closet packed with shirts, so we're fine, but it's always sad packing away the stuff that's too small.
Speaking of which, over the weekend I put away a few toys that are more on the babyish side, or that he just hasn't played with a lot. We need to make space for the new stuff, so even though he may not have been totally done with some of them, we had to sacrifice the least used. I'll feel much better about the toy situation once I take our tree down (hopefully this weekend) and can get the rest of our storage back in the living room. Beyond that I need to start planning for Carter's big boy room, so I can envision toy storage for him there. We still haven't transitioned over to the toddler bed setup, though I think that will have to come soon. We don't have to truly switch things around until we move him up to a twin (at which point the bedtime reading chair will probably go, since we can sit in bed), but I'm trying to keep those changes in mind as I try to rearrange the living room toys. But it was sad putting those toys away, because I know they're not coming back out as toys for *my* kids. It wasn't bad with Jacob because I figured that someday most of them would be back, especially the gender neutral baby stuff. But now that it's basically "forever", it's sad. I know we should start donating, but I am keeping things around in the crawl space for as long as we have room and I am of childbearing age, just in case we change our minds or God specifically thinks we should be a family of five. I know the second that stuff is out of the house, somehow I will have a birth control malfunction. My mom says I should just get my tubes tied, but I have to be on birth control for my PCOS anyway, and anything too permanent scares me a bit. Must be my indecisive side!
Carter has turned into quite the silly little boy, though. He talks up a storm (still with his little stutter, unfortunately) and takes great pride in making Jacob laugh. It doesn't take much (and honestly, most of what makes Jacob laugh ends up being nonsensical and generally annoying). I know I should enjoy them laughing together, but most of the time it seems Jacob is laughing at him, rather than with him, so it's still not ideal. But Carter can be so funny sometimes. He can be very perceptive about things, too. Sometimes he says something that I wouldn't think he'd have made a connection on, and he has! He's still very loving and full of hugs and kisses. He has a stubborn side, though! He can be very hard to convince, so it's lucky for me he's still a lightweight! He's definitely not a morning person and sometimes he's needlessly grumpy about things, just for the sake of being grumpy, it would appear. But he's a pretty fun kid overall and I'm worried about how much I will miss him when I'm with Jacob in the hospital.
He still loves his cars and trucks, though pushing around his shopping cart and handing out food is still high on the list, too. He has some favorite stuffed animals and loves snuggling his blankets in bed. He always asks to watch Paw Patrol and Team Umizoomi on TV. My favorite part of most evenings is snuggling next to him on the couch to watch a show.
But the big update is that today marks day #4 in undies! We tried undies over the weekend and it went perfectly. I didn't do it on Monday because I knew I needed to grab some extra undies and pants for his bag, but yesterday and today he did great! It made me smile last night as we got ready for his bath and I looked at him running around in just his undies. On one hand I'm so proud of him, and on the other I can't believe my baby boy is big enough (especially with that tiny little body) to have on undies! He loves the Paw Patrol ones he got for Christmas, and I have some hand-me-downs from Jacob (dark colors, thankfully, but all still in really good condition) to get us through the week. I'll still probably be a little nervous when we go out in public, but so far he's been perfect. I am down to five more pull-ups and I'm thinking maybe we'll get one more small pack for car trips or other places it might be inconvenient, or where he might be hesitant to tell someone he has to go and an accident would be extra awkward (like Sunday School). We still have a way to go at night (although over Christmas he did have a couple dry nights!), but given Jacob's struggles with that, I have zero expectations on that front. We're about six months ahead of Jacob for daytime, so I will take it!
Anyway, I still find that I'm savoring every moment of being with him and that I'm less prone to wishing time away than I was last time around. It helps that his terrible twos have been manageable, though I'm definitely on guard for the threes, as we all know they're often worse! But I feel so lucky to have such a sweet, cool little boy to hang out with. I love his big brother, too, obviously, but it's nice to have one kid who returns affection and listens at least some of the time! I am one lucky mama to have him.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
And the verdict is...
This morning we had Jacob's appointment with the specialist, and it looks like he will be having surgery later next week to repair the non-ossifying fibroma in his leg bone. They will scrape it out and do a bone graft procedure to fill it in and stabilize it. He may or may not end up with a plate, as well, and if he does, he may or may not need to have it removed. It'll all depend on what they see when they get in there.
The good news is that we have a wonderful, brand-new children's hospital that he'll be at. He'll have to stay overnight for observation, but each room is a private room and has a spot for a parent to sleep, so that will be nice. He'll be out of school for about a week, or at least until he can come off his pain medication. After that he'll have a 4-6 week period of no sports, which means he might be able to sneak into the end of the second half of the indoor lacrosse season. And he should be ready to go for the spring outdoor season.
All things considered, I think this is a best-case scenario. It's winter, and he'd be crazier if he was missing out on playtime outside. It stinks he has to miss part of his season, but we're still very lucky that he did not end up with a broken leg from this. The x-ray was pretty shocking, to be honest. The lesion takes up more than half of the width of his bone, which is why he's getting surgery as opposed to any other treatment. I feel blessed that this is a benign, very fixable problem. It's not cancer, it didn't impact his growth, and once this recovery is over, he should be back to being a normal kid. Like I said, we have a great hospital, and while it's always a little scary, we know Jacob has been through anesthesia just fine before, so that helps.
The one downside is that if it ends up getting scheduled when the doctor said it would, Craig is scheduled to be out of town that night. The Knighthawks have a rare weeknight game in Toronto that day, so as of now the plan is for him to stick around as long as he can, have my parents take Carter for a couple days, and for me to spend the night with Jacob at the hospital. We still have to think through and coordinate work schedules for when he's off from school. It's definitely a lot to process and plan with only a week's notice, but we'll get there.
So far Jacob seems to be doing well. After the doctors talked up the hospital to him, I drove him past there on our way back to school. I pointed out the floor he'll be on and the cool two-story playdeck where he might be able to go hang out. I figured that seeing it now might at least get him interested or a little excited about it. He seemed a little excited after that, so I guess that's good. I think it'll definitely be a challenge keeping all of our nerves at bay for the next week, even though we know it's routine and fixable. For me it's just the process of it all...making sure all of our bases are covered, ensuring that Carter is taken care of, that we will always have someone on Jacob duty and still properly manage our work, making sure that he will be able to have a proper gluten-free diet in the hospital, preparing in case we have a very early morning that day, etc. As a mom I think it's just natural to be all caught up in planning...and if it takes my mind off the reality of the situation (i.e., that my baby is about to be cut open), so be it. I'll have time for worrying about that when we get closer to the actual surgery.
Still, I can't help but sit here and wonder why he's gotten such a raw deal. Again, it's not cancer, he'll be fine, and this will be yet another blip on the radar, but why has he had to endure so many random medical issues? A week in the hospital at birth, bronchiolitis when he was a baby that led to a nine-month cough, reflux (and its assorted medicines), a mole removal, behavior issues, Celiac disease, and now this. It just seems like a lot for a little kid. I can't help but wonder if it was the Clomid that I took right around when I got pregnant. The test was negative when they gave it to me, but I'm pretty sure I was either just pregnant or it happened immediately after I started taking it. It can cause miscarriage, so it makes me wonder. Then we sometimes talk about Craig's dad's exposure to Agent Orange during the Vietnam War, and whether or not something might have been passed down, as apparently that's possible. Or maybe it's just plain bad luck. You never know how genes are going to arrange themselves, I suppose. And they could have certainly done worse. But it's hard to see your kid constantly have something to battle.
Am I scared? A little. As much as everything is routine, there's always that risk that something could go wrong. From an infection to the possibility that they could find something they're not expecting, there is always a concern. But for now I'm comfortable that everything will be fine. He's a tough kid and he's eager to get things fixed up. We're eager too. Keep us in your prayers...
The good news is that we have a wonderful, brand-new children's hospital that he'll be at. He'll have to stay overnight for observation, but each room is a private room and has a spot for a parent to sleep, so that will be nice. He'll be out of school for about a week, or at least until he can come off his pain medication. After that he'll have a 4-6 week period of no sports, which means he might be able to sneak into the end of the second half of the indoor lacrosse season. And he should be ready to go for the spring outdoor season.
All things considered, I think this is a best-case scenario. It's winter, and he'd be crazier if he was missing out on playtime outside. It stinks he has to miss part of his season, but we're still very lucky that he did not end up with a broken leg from this. The x-ray was pretty shocking, to be honest. The lesion takes up more than half of the width of his bone, which is why he's getting surgery as opposed to any other treatment. I feel blessed that this is a benign, very fixable problem. It's not cancer, it didn't impact his growth, and once this recovery is over, he should be back to being a normal kid. Like I said, we have a great hospital, and while it's always a little scary, we know Jacob has been through anesthesia just fine before, so that helps.
The one downside is that if it ends up getting scheduled when the doctor said it would, Craig is scheduled to be out of town that night. The Knighthawks have a rare weeknight game in Toronto that day, so as of now the plan is for him to stick around as long as he can, have my parents take Carter for a couple days, and for me to spend the night with Jacob at the hospital. We still have to think through and coordinate work schedules for when he's off from school. It's definitely a lot to process and plan with only a week's notice, but we'll get there.
So far Jacob seems to be doing well. After the doctors talked up the hospital to him, I drove him past there on our way back to school. I pointed out the floor he'll be on and the cool two-story playdeck where he might be able to go hang out. I figured that seeing it now might at least get him interested or a little excited about it. He seemed a little excited after that, so I guess that's good. I think it'll definitely be a challenge keeping all of our nerves at bay for the next week, even though we know it's routine and fixable. For me it's just the process of it all...making sure all of our bases are covered, ensuring that Carter is taken care of, that we will always have someone on Jacob duty and still properly manage our work, making sure that he will be able to have a proper gluten-free diet in the hospital, preparing in case we have a very early morning that day, etc. As a mom I think it's just natural to be all caught up in planning...and if it takes my mind off the reality of the situation (i.e., that my baby is about to be cut open), so be it. I'll have time for worrying about that when we get closer to the actual surgery.
Still, I can't help but sit here and wonder why he's gotten such a raw deal. Again, it's not cancer, he'll be fine, and this will be yet another blip on the radar, but why has he had to endure so many random medical issues? A week in the hospital at birth, bronchiolitis when he was a baby that led to a nine-month cough, reflux (and its assorted medicines), a mole removal, behavior issues, Celiac disease, and now this. It just seems like a lot for a little kid. I can't help but wonder if it was the Clomid that I took right around when I got pregnant. The test was negative when they gave it to me, but I'm pretty sure I was either just pregnant or it happened immediately after I started taking it. It can cause miscarriage, so it makes me wonder. Then we sometimes talk about Craig's dad's exposure to Agent Orange during the Vietnam War, and whether or not something might have been passed down, as apparently that's possible. Or maybe it's just plain bad luck. You never know how genes are going to arrange themselves, I suppose. And they could have certainly done worse. But it's hard to see your kid constantly have something to battle.
Am I scared? A little. As much as everything is routine, there's always that risk that something could go wrong. From an infection to the possibility that they could find something they're not expecting, there is always a concern. But for now I'm comfortable that everything will be fine. He's a tough kid and he's eager to get things fixed up. We're eager too. Keep us in your prayers...
Monday, January 4, 2016
Oh, January...
Saturday night I got sucked into reading last year's blog posts from early January. I had one of those flashback posts pop up in my Facebook feed, and it was from last year. It indicated that I had been sick. I honestly couldn't remember what ailment in particular that was, so I dug into my blog to rehash the details. Reading those posts transported me back to a very challenging time, and looking back on it now I'm surprised I didn't totally lose my mind during the first couple weeks of January.
Mind you, we had been harboring various versions of sickness for over a month. Colds, random viruses and fevers, my ongoing battle with pinkeye, you name it. Carter got a stomach bug on New Year's Day night, and I had a short-lived, less violent version shortly after. Carter spiked another fever after returning to daycare, and the next day while I was home with him, I got a call that Jacob wasn't feeling well, and sure enough, two steps out of school he puked on the sidewalk. A couple days later, on a Sunday, he woke up with head-to-thighs hives. Two days after that I lost my job. Oh, and the morning after my pinkeye tried to make a comeback. I felt awful just reading all of that again. Good Lord. I know it was incredibly hard and felt a little like the biblical story of Job (on a much smaller scale, but still...), but looking back I can't believe all of that happened within the first two weeks of 2015. It's no wonder I felt extra lost after the job thing, because I never really got my footing after the holidays as it was.
After reading that, I felt even more grateful we made it through the holidays with no major illnesses. I had to laugh, though, that all of the "On this day" posts on Facebook either had to do with illness or snow. Seems those two issues were really common on January 2 over the past seven years. And, sure enough, we've dealt with some snow over the past few days, too. First, we woke up to a good six inches of lake effect at Craig's parents' on New Year's Day. We got stuck in the driveway, and again pulling out of their neighborhood on to the main road. We drove out of it, as you do with lake effect, and we had green grass at home. We had a dusting over the weekend that strangely only stuck to the concrete, and then we had an inch or so in time for the commute this morning. Luckily roads were fine and so far not much more has fallen, but the high temp today is hanging in the teens, so that's been a rude awakening after 60s less than two weeks ago. I must say, too, that feeling that bitter cold this morning was a major throwback to last year, when it was so freezing during all of February. I immediately associated it with all of the emotions from that time last year. The brain is so weird sometimes.
Of course, after spending two out of the last three winters mostly hanging out on my couch, I'll admit that this time of year really makes me want to hibernate a bit. I find myself craving bad TLC network programming and baby cuddles, dressing in jeans and having a little time to organize and clean. I know I wasn't super productive during maternity leave, but it's amazing what time you can take advantage of when you're physically home all day, even if you've got a baby in your arms or a toddler hanging on your leg. As hard as maternity leave and being out of work can be, there is a certain peace with that less rushed lifestyle, no doubt. Heck, even Carter has asked to stay home almost every morning since I've been back to work. I don't know if he's just being difficult or if he really remembers his extra time home with me last year. Maybe he just really loves his weekends. It's like an unfortunate surprise every morning when he finds out he's going to daycare. And really, he does like it there. Apparently he just likes home more.
Please don't get me wrong--I'm so thankful to have my job. I think I've just been tired lately and my body is craving extended rest. And after spending two of the last three winters home like that, I think that's just where my brain is going with it. But I can't deny that the cold and the new year and the memories of where we were last year have sucked me in a bit. It's hard to not remember the turmoil and have some degree of fear that we could have that again. We never expected any of it, but it happened. It was a sobering reminder, for sure.
Adding to the mix this year, of course, is Jacob's bone cyst. His bone specialist appointment is tomorrow morning, and I'm hoping that when we come out we will have a course of action and a timeline for getting this thing fixed. After a few weeks of the boot, I think we're all quite eager to make some progress. On the bright side, he gets along pretty well with it and his immediate pain in that area has subsided, so it would appear his lacrosse injury just aggravated it. Still, the boot is destroying all of his beloved Adidas pants (polyester sports pants and Velcro are a bad combo) and the novelty of just "supporting" his lacrosse team has worn off, so we'd really like to get this show on the road and work toward a real solution. I think we're mostly eager to find out how soon he can play lacrosse again (especially since we just got the deposit notice for spring lacrosse), and baseball is around the corner, too. I'd also like to know what to expect in terms of pain level, recovery, and missed school. We're just ready for progress!
I guess these days I'm finding myself hesitant to celebrate the new year. Given our history I'm worried about illness, worried about surprises, and generally unexcited about three or more months of cold, snowy weather. I know it should be an opportunity to make positive changes in our lives, but I'm honestly not sure where to begin. But at least tomorrow can be a starting point for some sort of progress...I hope.
Mind you, we had been harboring various versions of sickness for over a month. Colds, random viruses and fevers, my ongoing battle with pinkeye, you name it. Carter got a stomach bug on New Year's Day night, and I had a short-lived, less violent version shortly after. Carter spiked another fever after returning to daycare, and the next day while I was home with him, I got a call that Jacob wasn't feeling well, and sure enough, two steps out of school he puked on the sidewalk. A couple days later, on a Sunday, he woke up with head-to-thighs hives. Two days after that I lost my job. Oh, and the morning after my pinkeye tried to make a comeback. I felt awful just reading all of that again. Good Lord. I know it was incredibly hard and felt a little like the biblical story of Job (on a much smaller scale, but still...), but looking back I can't believe all of that happened within the first two weeks of 2015. It's no wonder I felt extra lost after the job thing, because I never really got my footing after the holidays as it was.
After reading that, I felt even more grateful we made it through the holidays with no major illnesses. I had to laugh, though, that all of the "On this day" posts on Facebook either had to do with illness or snow. Seems those two issues were really common on January 2 over the past seven years. And, sure enough, we've dealt with some snow over the past few days, too. First, we woke up to a good six inches of lake effect at Craig's parents' on New Year's Day. We got stuck in the driveway, and again pulling out of their neighborhood on to the main road. We drove out of it, as you do with lake effect, and we had green grass at home. We had a dusting over the weekend that strangely only stuck to the concrete, and then we had an inch or so in time for the commute this morning. Luckily roads were fine and so far not much more has fallen, but the high temp today is hanging in the teens, so that's been a rude awakening after 60s less than two weeks ago. I must say, too, that feeling that bitter cold this morning was a major throwback to last year, when it was so freezing during all of February. I immediately associated it with all of the emotions from that time last year. The brain is so weird sometimes.
Of course, after spending two out of the last three winters mostly hanging out on my couch, I'll admit that this time of year really makes me want to hibernate a bit. I find myself craving bad TLC network programming and baby cuddles, dressing in jeans and having a little time to organize and clean. I know I wasn't super productive during maternity leave, but it's amazing what time you can take advantage of when you're physically home all day, even if you've got a baby in your arms or a toddler hanging on your leg. As hard as maternity leave and being out of work can be, there is a certain peace with that less rushed lifestyle, no doubt. Heck, even Carter has asked to stay home almost every morning since I've been back to work. I don't know if he's just being difficult or if he really remembers his extra time home with me last year. Maybe he just really loves his weekends. It's like an unfortunate surprise every morning when he finds out he's going to daycare. And really, he does like it there. Apparently he just likes home more.
Please don't get me wrong--I'm so thankful to have my job. I think I've just been tired lately and my body is craving extended rest. And after spending two of the last three winters home like that, I think that's just where my brain is going with it. But I can't deny that the cold and the new year and the memories of where we were last year have sucked me in a bit. It's hard to not remember the turmoil and have some degree of fear that we could have that again. We never expected any of it, but it happened. It was a sobering reminder, for sure.
Adding to the mix this year, of course, is Jacob's bone cyst. His bone specialist appointment is tomorrow morning, and I'm hoping that when we come out we will have a course of action and a timeline for getting this thing fixed. After a few weeks of the boot, I think we're all quite eager to make some progress. On the bright side, he gets along pretty well with it and his immediate pain in that area has subsided, so it would appear his lacrosse injury just aggravated it. Still, the boot is destroying all of his beloved Adidas pants (polyester sports pants and Velcro are a bad combo) and the novelty of just "supporting" his lacrosse team has worn off, so we'd really like to get this show on the road and work toward a real solution. I think we're mostly eager to find out how soon he can play lacrosse again (especially since we just got the deposit notice for spring lacrosse), and baseball is around the corner, too. I'd also like to know what to expect in terms of pain level, recovery, and missed school. We're just ready for progress!
I guess these days I'm finding myself hesitant to celebrate the new year. Given our history I'm worried about illness, worried about surprises, and generally unexcited about three or more months of cold, snowy weather. I know it should be an opportunity to make positive changes in our lives, but I'm honestly not sure where to begin. But at least tomorrow can be a starting point for some sort of progress...I hope.
Friday, January 1, 2016
New Year, Same Old Problems
So, we're 23 hours into 2016 and it's clear that no amount of New Year's resolutions or best intentions would have done me a darn bit of good...if I actually bothered to make them. Tonight was an epically bad night with Jacob and I am so exhausted of having the same stupid arguments over and over with him. This is absolute misery.
What do you do when you can't do something anymore but you can't actually quit, either? I simply cannot properly mother him anymore. Simply walking out isn't really an option, but at this point I feel like I'm just making it worse and shouldn't be here at all. People may pooh-pooh that, but someday that kid is going to be sitting in therapy talking about how his mom constantly put him down and then gave up on him. But in reality I've gotten to the point where beating around the bush doesn't work. I have to specifically explain to him how his personality flaws are making it impossible to parent him. I have to help him understand that his actions make it appear that he cares for no one else but himself, and that he is completely inconsiderate and rude and miserable to be around most of the time.
He gets everything he could have asked for for Christmas, and still finds things to complain about not having. He gets special treatment one time and then proceeds to whine and complain every subsequent time when he doesn't get the same treatment. He completely ignores our requests but then whines incessantly when we don't instantly do what he wants, no matter what we may be doing at the time. He complains about how his brother chases him, and then turns around and encourages Carter to do it, only to scream loudly and complain when Carter catches him and hits him (and no, the hitting isn't OK either, but he should know that instigating the chase puts him at risk for that). He thinks he knows everything, and if something doesn't agree with his opinion, it can't possibly be true. I was trying to explain to him tonight that almost every time I go somewhere with Jacob, I have to worry about him being inappropriate or touching something or simply not listening. And then I said that, sure, sometimes I do have to yell at Carter, but most of my trips out with him are actually fun. We talk, he helps me, he hugs me, and it's so nice not having to argue all the time. And he flat-out told me that I was wrong, mostly on the basis of one story of Carter melting down at Target. That is literally one of less than a handful of times it has ever happened, and despite me acknowledging that Carter isn't perfect, apparently in his mind that one incident makes it impossible for the good stuff to ever be true. It's infuriating to have a know-it-all seven-year-old constantly try to tell you you're wrong. He told me earlier during fight #1 of the night that he is a grown-up. Seriously?! Just because you're not Carter's age does not mean you're no longer a kid.
Somehow everything comes back to being my fault. It can never be his fault. Earlier he had such a smart mouth that he was banished to his room. I simply couldn't take the constant backtalk anymore. I truly just needed some quiet and some peace apart from him. But of course he wouldn't just take his punishment and he opened his door after I shut it. Angry that he wouldn't just stay in there and be quiet, I opened the door further and of course he had his head right up against the door when he opened it and of course when I opened it it banged him in the head. And of course it was all my fault, even though he opened the door when he was told to keep it closed. And then he had his feet (and his boot) on the wall while laying near his door, so I physically moved his legs away from the wall, and of course he said I hurt his good leg doing that. I'm apparently the one making all of the rules he doesn't want to follow, and I'm the problem when I discipline him for not following them. Craig does his fair share of disciplining, but I'm the bad guy all the time.
For the first time in a long time, we've had to threaten that we might need to send him somewhere...and we mean it. We are just not functional right now and I'm willing to try almost anything. Of course, he thinks we're kidding. He simply cannot fathom that we could be telling the truth. But if we ever did figure out where to send him, of course we'd be the bad guys for giving up on him or not loving him enough...even though our efforts are all out of love and he leaves us with no other choice.
Even worse, this atmosphere makes marriage very hard. It's mostly the exhaustion factor, but it manifests in a few different ways. First, there's the matter of balance. Jacob may act a little better for Craig, but he also wants to be with Craig all the time and I know he needs a break. I try to take over and often it doesn't go well. If I try to give Craig a night off from bedtime, inevitably Jacob will give me trouble and I just need to walk away before I do something I will regret. But Craig having to spend all of his time with Jacob isn't fair either, so there's frustration when we can't split that time effectively. Another element of it is sounding like a broken record. You want to back up your partner, but sometimes you're so tired of repeating the same rule or yelling about the same problem that you feel like you simply can't do it anymore...for your sanity or simply based on your energy level. Or maybe you simply don't agree with their tactics, and then it becomes an argument, either in the moment (if it's something inexcusable) or later. And when you're arguing, who wants to snuggle in bed afterward? We're just so tired from having to be "on" for Jacob all the time that our evenings after he's in bed are mostly spent in silence, decompressing with our electronics. The good news is that we're still aware that we love each other and are ultimately in this together, but it is not a great environment in the meantime.
We've talked a lot lately about how we need to get away together, without the kids. For more than just a night, ideally. We haven't taken a real trip alone together since before Jacob was born. It's been a handful of overnights and one whirlwind two-night trip for a Knighthawks championship game. My parents used to go away for a week, and 45 years later they're still going strong and I'm not scarred for life. We mention even a night away and Jacob is offended we don't want to take him. In fact, he tells us he's going. Like he has any control over that. But the fact of the matter is, we can't even speak complete sentences to each other without one kid or another interrupting us. We can't think straight with two kids spouting constant noise and nonsense. It has exhausted us and we just can't communicate effectively. Sometimes it's hard to remember what it was like before kids, or why you were so excited to get married and start a family in the first place. We know it has been there and could be again, but right now it's just hard.
I don't know what to say or do anymore. Nothing seems to make an impact with Jacob. And anything that might will, again, somehow be our fault. I have never met such an impossible kid in my life. And my fear is that it's only going to get worse, that someday he will insist we don't love him and try to run away or that his impulsive, inconsiderate behavior will get him into real trouble. No matter how much we tell him we love him (never hearing it back, of course), I know that he thinks everything we do is just to make his life miserable. And you know, sometimes I can see why he might feel that way. But when you've already tried the "easy way" and it doesn't work, you have no choice but to attempt the "hard way" next...and the vicious circle starts all over again when he thinks we're just being jerks. He doesn't see the easy way when it's in front of him and seems to think we just start with the hard way, like that's our first choice.
Sorry, I know I'm rehashing stuff I've already talked about. But tonight was just another refresher of how big our problems are and my complete lack of a solution on how to deal with them. We love Jacob so much, but all the love in the world won't get him to listen, or so it seems. I can't wait to get back to our counseling (we've been off due to the holidays/school break), but it's becoming more apparent we might need to do more. As much as our family dynamics need help, his difficult personality is at the center of it all and I worry that without help, there's always going to be something getting poisoned by it. I truly hope this is the year that we find out how to make this better. We need it to be. Time is passing us by and we'll never get it back. No family should have to live like this. We should be having fun and enjoying watching our kids grow. Instead we're just surviving. We need better, for all of our sakes.
What do you do when you can't do something anymore but you can't actually quit, either? I simply cannot properly mother him anymore. Simply walking out isn't really an option, but at this point I feel like I'm just making it worse and shouldn't be here at all. People may pooh-pooh that, but someday that kid is going to be sitting in therapy talking about how his mom constantly put him down and then gave up on him. But in reality I've gotten to the point where beating around the bush doesn't work. I have to specifically explain to him how his personality flaws are making it impossible to parent him. I have to help him understand that his actions make it appear that he cares for no one else but himself, and that he is completely inconsiderate and rude and miserable to be around most of the time.
He gets everything he could have asked for for Christmas, and still finds things to complain about not having. He gets special treatment one time and then proceeds to whine and complain every subsequent time when he doesn't get the same treatment. He completely ignores our requests but then whines incessantly when we don't instantly do what he wants, no matter what we may be doing at the time. He complains about how his brother chases him, and then turns around and encourages Carter to do it, only to scream loudly and complain when Carter catches him and hits him (and no, the hitting isn't OK either, but he should know that instigating the chase puts him at risk for that). He thinks he knows everything, and if something doesn't agree with his opinion, it can't possibly be true. I was trying to explain to him tonight that almost every time I go somewhere with Jacob, I have to worry about him being inappropriate or touching something or simply not listening. And then I said that, sure, sometimes I do have to yell at Carter, but most of my trips out with him are actually fun. We talk, he helps me, he hugs me, and it's so nice not having to argue all the time. And he flat-out told me that I was wrong, mostly on the basis of one story of Carter melting down at Target. That is literally one of less than a handful of times it has ever happened, and despite me acknowledging that Carter isn't perfect, apparently in his mind that one incident makes it impossible for the good stuff to ever be true. It's infuriating to have a know-it-all seven-year-old constantly try to tell you you're wrong. He told me earlier during fight #1 of the night that he is a grown-up. Seriously?! Just because you're not Carter's age does not mean you're no longer a kid.
Somehow everything comes back to being my fault. It can never be his fault. Earlier he had such a smart mouth that he was banished to his room. I simply couldn't take the constant backtalk anymore. I truly just needed some quiet and some peace apart from him. But of course he wouldn't just take his punishment and he opened his door after I shut it. Angry that he wouldn't just stay in there and be quiet, I opened the door further and of course he had his head right up against the door when he opened it and of course when I opened it it banged him in the head. And of course it was all my fault, even though he opened the door when he was told to keep it closed. And then he had his feet (and his boot) on the wall while laying near his door, so I physically moved his legs away from the wall, and of course he said I hurt his good leg doing that. I'm apparently the one making all of the rules he doesn't want to follow, and I'm the problem when I discipline him for not following them. Craig does his fair share of disciplining, but I'm the bad guy all the time.
For the first time in a long time, we've had to threaten that we might need to send him somewhere...and we mean it. We are just not functional right now and I'm willing to try almost anything. Of course, he thinks we're kidding. He simply cannot fathom that we could be telling the truth. But if we ever did figure out where to send him, of course we'd be the bad guys for giving up on him or not loving him enough...even though our efforts are all out of love and he leaves us with no other choice.
Even worse, this atmosphere makes marriage very hard. It's mostly the exhaustion factor, but it manifests in a few different ways. First, there's the matter of balance. Jacob may act a little better for Craig, but he also wants to be with Craig all the time and I know he needs a break. I try to take over and often it doesn't go well. If I try to give Craig a night off from bedtime, inevitably Jacob will give me trouble and I just need to walk away before I do something I will regret. But Craig having to spend all of his time with Jacob isn't fair either, so there's frustration when we can't split that time effectively. Another element of it is sounding like a broken record. You want to back up your partner, but sometimes you're so tired of repeating the same rule or yelling about the same problem that you feel like you simply can't do it anymore...for your sanity or simply based on your energy level. Or maybe you simply don't agree with their tactics, and then it becomes an argument, either in the moment (if it's something inexcusable) or later. And when you're arguing, who wants to snuggle in bed afterward? We're just so tired from having to be "on" for Jacob all the time that our evenings after he's in bed are mostly spent in silence, decompressing with our electronics. The good news is that we're still aware that we love each other and are ultimately in this together, but it is not a great environment in the meantime.
We've talked a lot lately about how we need to get away together, without the kids. For more than just a night, ideally. We haven't taken a real trip alone together since before Jacob was born. It's been a handful of overnights and one whirlwind two-night trip for a Knighthawks championship game. My parents used to go away for a week, and 45 years later they're still going strong and I'm not scarred for life. We mention even a night away and Jacob is offended we don't want to take him. In fact, he tells us he's going. Like he has any control over that. But the fact of the matter is, we can't even speak complete sentences to each other without one kid or another interrupting us. We can't think straight with two kids spouting constant noise and nonsense. It has exhausted us and we just can't communicate effectively. Sometimes it's hard to remember what it was like before kids, or why you were so excited to get married and start a family in the first place. We know it has been there and could be again, but right now it's just hard.
I don't know what to say or do anymore. Nothing seems to make an impact with Jacob. And anything that might will, again, somehow be our fault. I have never met such an impossible kid in my life. And my fear is that it's only going to get worse, that someday he will insist we don't love him and try to run away or that his impulsive, inconsiderate behavior will get him into real trouble. No matter how much we tell him we love him (never hearing it back, of course), I know that he thinks everything we do is just to make his life miserable. And you know, sometimes I can see why he might feel that way. But when you've already tried the "easy way" and it doesn't work, you have no choice but to attempt the "hard way" next...and the vicious circle starts all over again when he thinks we're just being jerks. He doesn't see the easy way when it's in front of him and seems to think we just start with the hard way, like that's our first choice.
Sorry, I know I'm rehashing stuff I've already talked about. But tonight was just another refresher of how big our problems are and my complete lack of a solution on how to deal with them. We love Jacob so much, but all the love in the world won't get him to listen, or so it seems. I can't wait to get back to our counseling (we've been off due to the holidays/school break), but it's becoming more apparent we might need to do more. As much as our family dynamics need help, his difficult personality is at the center of it all and I worry that without help, there's always going to be something getting poisoned by it. I truly hope this is the year that we find out how to make this better. We need it to be. Time is passing us by and we'll never get it back. No family should have to live like this. We should be having fun and enjoying watching our kids grow. Instead we're just surviving. We need better, for all of our sakes.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Post-Christmas Recovery
I am so tired. Really, really tired. I don't know if it's just a month's worth of late nights, or the letdown after a month's worth of planning, or oncoming illness, or what...but I am exhausted. It wasn't horrible going into work yesterday since it was only for one day (and then I'll do it again Wednesday), especially since the kids were driving us nuts over the weekend and a break from them was good for all of us. But I woke up really tired. I also woke up sore. My back especially was sore. I don't know if I slept funny or if this is an oncoming sickness sort of thing, but I really think I'm just super overtired from a solid month of everything--lack of sleep, too much food, constantly overthinking everything, constantly planning, and whatever else. I'm just tired. And normally I have a full week to be home and sort it all out. But this year I have a couple days of work in between, so that big mental break isn't there. I have yet to figure out how that might play out. Ultimately I think I'll be fine, but it's annoying to have a couple days after Christmas to recover and still feel so tired yesterday morning. Today I was off and it was honestly more of the same. I'm not sleeping well, I can't get comfortable, and waking up is exhausting. Today I had a headache, and the backache came back a bit later in the day. After a lazy morning with Carter, at least I managed to clean up the Christmas gift bags and tissue paper, sort through my stash of boxes, and do a couple hours of my least favorite task, filing.
As for the kids, Christmas was generally good but as usual there were challenging moments. At times both seemed ecstatic, but then later we'd ask them about their Christmas and get a disappointing response. Carter was nervous about Santa leading up to it, which seemed to be what was keeping him down. I got him to admit Santa was pretty cool after the fact, but then he seemed grumpy again for some reason. I can't quite figure out why he doesn't seem excited, though he does seem to like his gifts. Jacob always seems to be able to find one negative thing out of a thousand good ones, and he was like that almost all the time. Even after getting his most wanted gift on Christmas Eve, then he was complaining because the next day is never quite as good (which isn't really true, as he always gets good stuff the second day, too), and he was bummed that the best part of Christmas was already over. Then he was annoyed about getting an iTunes gift card, even though he always used to beg me for them. Admittedly, he can do less with his iPad right now because it's older, but he's constantly listening to music and lately he's been doing it on YouTube. As a result, he complains when he doesn't have WiFi, and I explained to him that he can download his favorites and not need WiFi for that. The entitlement and glass-half-empty attitude makes me crazy. He got so many things he wanted. It's awful to hear and makes you wonder where you went wrong.
Even though the kids slept relatively well, there were late nights and missed naps and early mornings. Add in being away from home and it's always a bit of a recipe for disaster. When you factor in the anticipation and overstimulation, I feel like you just have to expect it for Christmas and make the best of it. Quite honestly, I'm just relieved we made it through another Christmas without any major illnesses. But it's not always easy to deal with the attitude and meltdowns on what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year.
I think the weather really did impact my Christmas spirit. We had crazy warm weather leading up to Christmas. I got to wear open-toed shoes the week before, and Craig was wearing shorts when we left on Christmas Eve! It was in the 60s and definitely didn't feel like Christmas. We didn't have any more than a few flurries (that didn't stick) during the entire Christmas season. It was a bit of a bummer to not have pretty snowflakes in the air or snow on Christmas lights. I will say, though, once it was a foregone conclusion that it wouldn't be a white Christmas, I decided I could get used to a warm, green Christmas! It was nice not worrying about travel, or parking in snowbanks, or walking through ice to parties, or hauling gifts through the snow, or trying to pack the car with snow swirling through the trunk. But I remember thinking as Christmas wound down that it didn't really feel like Christmas had even happened! I feel like most years I have an instant sense of relief and excitement when we load in the car and head toward Buffalo. This year I never really felt that. I mean, I was relieved to be done, but I never got that specific feeling. Even worse, usually there's a sense of magic and fun as we head into each of our Christmas stops, and this year it seemed to be missing. I can't figure out why. Too tired? Too nervous about how the kids might behave? No idea. But it's a bummer.
Now Christmas is over and of course we got snow. Last night it snowed an inch or so and was finished off with some freezing rain. No ice accumulation that I can tell, fortunately. But it's ironic nonetheless. I'm sad to see everything start to de-Christmas. Lights come down, decorations get packed away, stores lose their festive feel. I hate January because it's such a sad contrast to December. It's colder and less sparkly, with spring still too far away. The only bright side is that Carter's birthday is coming, so at least I have that to think about. I already have a couple presents bought, but I need to plan his party...and of course, his cake! But this is definitely not my favorite time of the year, and I'll admit that I'm flashing back a bit to what happened in mid-January last year, when everything got turned upside down when I lost my job. Even when I was filing earlier, I couldn't help but notice certain receipts and paperwork from that time off, and it took me back to that feeling of the unknown that took over last winter. I know it all worked out just fine, but the upheaval wasn't easy and my memories of that time are very mixed.
I don't mean for this to be a bummer post, but I'm really not a fan of the post-Christmas blahs. I wish I could make them a little less blah-like, but even that feels like a challenge this year with two kids who don't get along and limited time at home. We're also facing treatments for Jacob's bone cyst, which is certainly a concern. I'm thankful for a very nice Christmas, but I'm afraid festive isn't a word I'd use right now. This year was a time of transition and full of challenges, and while I won't be particularly sad to see it go, this last year was a sobering reminder of just how unknown a new year can be.
As for the kids, Christmas was generally good but as usual there were challenging moments. At times both seemed ecstatic, but then later we'd ask them about their Christmas and get a disappointing response. Carter was nervous about Santa leading up to it, which seemed to be what was keeping him down. I got him to admit Santa was pretty cool after the fact, but then he seemed grumpy again for some reason. I can't quite figure out why he doesn't seem excited, though he does seem to like his gifts. Jacob always seems to be able to find one negative thing out of a thousand good ones, and he was like that almost all the time. Even after getting his most wanted gift on Christmas Eve, then he was complaining because the next day is never quite as good (which isn't really true, as he always gets good stuff the second day, too), and he was bummed that the best part of Christmas was already over. Then he was annoyed about getting an iTunes gift card, even though he always used to beg me for them. Admittedly, he can do less with his iPad right now because it's older, but he's constantly listening to music and lately he's been doing it on YouTube. As a result, he complains when he doesn't have WiFi, and I explained to him that he can download his favorites and not need WiFi for that. The entitlement and glass-half-empty attitude makes me crazy. He got so many things he wanted. It's awful to hear and makes you wonder where you went wrong.
Even though the kids slept relatively well, there were late nights and missed naps and early mornings. Add in being away from home and it's always a bit of a recipe for disaster. When you factor in the anticipation and overstimulation, I feel like you just have to expect it for Christmas and make the best of it. Quite honestly, I'm just relieved we made it through another Christmas without any major illnesses. But it's not always easy to deal with the attitude and meltdowns on what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year.
I think the weather really did impact my Christmas spirit. We had crazy warm weather leading up to Christmas. I got to wear open-toed shoes the week before, and Craig was wearing shorts when we left on Christmas Eve! It was in the 60s and definitely didn't feel like Christmas. We didn't have any more than a few flurries (that didn't stick) during the entire Christmas season. It was a bit of a bummer to not have pretty snowflakes in the air or snow on Christmas lights. I will say, though, once it was a foregone conclusion that it wouldn't be a white Christmas, I decided I could get used to a warm, green Christmas! It was nice not worrying about travel, or parking in snowbanks, or walking through ice to parties, or hauling gifts through the snow, or trying to pack the car with snow swirling through the trunk. But I remember thinking as Christmas wound down that it didn't really feel like Christmas had even happened! I feel like most years I have an instant sense of relief and excitement when we load in the car and head toward Buffalo. This year I never really felt that. I mean, I was relieved to be done, but I never got that specific feeling. Even worse, usually there's a sense of magic and fun as we head into each of our Christmas stops, and this year it seemed to be missing. I can't figure out why. Too tired? Too nervous about how the kids might behave? No idea. But it's a bummer.
Now Christmas is over and of course we got snow. Last night it snowed an inch or so and was finished off with some freezing rain. No ice accumulation that I can tell, fortunately. But it's ironic nonetheless. I'm sad to see everything start to de-Christmas. Lights come down, decorations get packed away, stores lose their festive feel. I hate January because it's such a sad contrast to December. It's colder and less sparkly, with spring still too far away. The only bright side is that Carter's birthday is coming, so at least I have that to think about. I already have a couple presents bought, but I need to plan his party...and of course, his cake! But this is definitely not my favorite time of the year, and I'll admit that I'm flashing back a bit to what happened in mid-January last year, when everything got turned upside down when I lost my job. Even when I was filing earlier, I couldn't help but notice certain receipts and paperwork from that time off, and it took me back to that feeling of the unknown that took over last winter. I know it all worked out just fine, but the upheaval wasn't easy and my memories of that time are very mixed.
I don't mean for this to be a bummer post, but I'm really not a fan of the post-Christmas blahs. I wish I could make them a little less blah-like, but even that feels like a challenge this year with two kids who don't get along and limited time at home. We're also facing treatments for Jacob's bone cyst, which is certainly a concern. I'm thankful for a very nice Christmas, but I'm afraid festive isn't a word I'd use right now. This year was a time of transition and full of challenges, and while I won't be particularly sad to see it go, this last year was a sobering reminder of just how unknown a new year can be.
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