Seven!

Dear Jacob,

I can't believe you're SEVEN!  Back when you were a baby, I used to think about what life would be like when you were older.  I'd think about what it would be like when you started walking and talking, or how things would be when you hit Kindergarten.  We've blown past all of those milestones, and now you've hit the age that I had in my mind where you'd probably be a cool kid we'd just think was fun to hang out with.  I figured that by this age we'd be past a lot of the dependent phases (meaning, we wouldn't have to do so many things FOR you) and we'd be at a point where we'd enjoy doing things WITH you.  We'd be in the sweet spot of parenting--where you'd be more self-sufficient and fun to hang out with, but still too young for the drama and eye rolls that come with the preteen years. 

Turns out that life had some other plans, I guess, because things are a tiny bit more complicated than that!  Rest assured--we think you're a pretty amazing kid, and I'll get into that more in a bit.  But let's get some of the obvious tough stuff out of the way first.  You are a tough kid to manage sometimes.  You are very particular, very stubborn, and very independent, but still surprisingly needy in some ways.  I never really thought we'd still have to tell you to eat with a fork or sit on your butt while eating.  I never thought I'd still be reminding you that you have to brush your teeth every morning, or that I'd be getting a king-sized groan back every single time.  I just thought certain things would be easier by now. 

It's hard when you take everything personally and don't understand that discipline is not an attack on you, but rather an attempt to teach you how to become a better person.  We may not have a lot of practice at parenting a kid your age, but we've lived a lot more life and have an idea of what it takes to become functional adults...so maybe you should just trust us and listen!  Take advantage of our wisdom and learn what lessons you can the easy way.  We've told you repeatedly that kids without limits turn into very bad adults, and we desperately want to help you avoid that.  When we tell you to get ready for school, or to do your homework, or to put down the electronics, or to go to bed and stay there, there are reasons for it.  Those are normal things expected of normal people, and you really should just get used to them.  I know it's hard to have things taken away or to feel like you can't do anything, but you have to trust us that these things will teach you about what's valuable in life. 

Here's the thing....we wouldn't push so hard if we didn't care so much.  We can see that there's a brilliant, fascinating kid in there, and we're just trying to help you reach that potential.  I've said it here before that sometimes you just need to get out of your own way.  You worry about so many of the little things that don't matter that much in life, and I hate to see it suck the fun out of it for you.  Speaking from experience, I know that I've done a lot of the same things in my life, and in the end I know better, that some things just aren't worth worrying about if they're going to ruin your fun!

I will say that we've had a much better year than last year.  Six treated us all way better than five, for many reasons.  While listening and respect issues have probably gotten worse (we're working on it), the meltdowns have decreased and our daily life is a little more manageable than it used to be.  We're tired of the yelling and the backtalk and the constant repeating of instructions, but certain things are better.  We had a much easier year of school and most tasks are not the daily struggle they used to be.  You've grown up so much this year that I can barely believe me eyes every time I look at you!  You've lost four teeth, and that alone made you look so much older!  You're getting so tall, and before we know it, your feet will be as big as mine.  You're just starting to look like a big kid, and I can barely believe you were once a tiny baby that fit in my arms.  You're turning into a true athlete and I've felt such pride watching you score a couple goals in lacrosse this year and start to become a better fielder in baseball.  You have so many talents--smart in school, fascinating artwork, awesome imagination when playing--and watching you come into your own is so amazing.

You've also started to come around a bit as a big brother this year.  Of course, the two of you together can be a massive handful, but at least you're starting to be nicer to Carter and more tolerant of him than you used to be.  Once in a while I hear you trying to teach him something or trying to include him in an activity, and it makes me so happy!  I could do without the bickering or baiting him into trouble, but I have hope that someday you might be a great sports teacher or even a good buddy for him. 

Even though we go through a lot of tough times right now, the good thing about it is that it makes the good times even more special.  I love seeing pure happiness on your face.  It may not always be easy to get there, but it's so great when we do.  You had a really great birthday today, and it makes me so happy to know you're going to bed a happy kid. 

I guess the one thing I can tell you at this point is that one thing has remained constant for every moment of the last seven years--Mommy and Daddy love you more than we can ever describe.  We may not be perfect parents, but that hasn't stopped us from trying every single day to get there.  We know you're worth the effort.  Everything we do is an attempt at giving you a better life, whether or not you realize it now.  Hopefully one day you will, since it took me becoming a parent to realize where my parents were coming from all those years.  This year I've had the realization that although I've always wished you would become an easier kid to parent, I really need to keep praying that I can become the best parent for you.  You make me want to be a better mom, and I can't imagine my life without you.  I'm hoping that seven is our lucky number, and this will be a great year for all of us.  We love you so much and look forward to seeing where this year takes us.  Happy Birthday, buddy.

Love,
Mommy

Right Back Where We Started From...

Today marks 10 weeks since I started my new job.  Things are getting a tiny bit better as far as having work to do and feeling involved, but we're coming up on the end of the fiscal year so things are crazy and most people are in "just get it done mode"...which means that in a lot of cases it doesn't make logical sense to pass a lot of things off to me because it takes time to explain and train.  I have no doubt that as time goes on and I'm involved in the start-to-finish process things will get very busy and I'll be dreaming about this time where things weren't wall-to-wall projects.  But for now I'm just contributing where I can and taking it as a good sign when they say they're happy with my work and my progression.

But the job itself is not what this post is about.  As we hit the 10-week mark I find myself disappointed in myself that I seem to be right back in the working mom rut I was in before.  Misguided though it may have been, I really hoped that my time off would refresh me and have a lasting impact on my perspective even after that break was over. Turns out that whatever impact it had didn't last long. 

At the very least, I had hoped that having nearly three months off would have refreshed me to the point that I wouldn't feel desperate for vacation time too soon.  I'd hoped that the mere sense of gratefulness for having a job would sustain me through tough weeks and I'd feel rested and ready to take on any project that came my way.  That lasted for a month or so, and then I guess reality set in.  I'm still just tired.  It didn't matter so much when I was home all day (though, strangely, I probably only took a couple naps the entire time I was off), but being tired makes working so much harder, and there simply aren't enough hours in the day to do what I need to do AND get enough sleep.  I'm back to having a hard time getting up, then rushing around in the morning, daydreaming during the day about all the things I'd like to be doing instead, and cramming my evening with as many to-do list items as possible.  Add Jacob's sports or even a workout into the mix and we're facing a dinner time that runs directly into bedtime.  Once the kids are in bed, most nights I struggle to stay awake while sitting in my chair.  You'd think that should be a sign that I should just get up and go to bed, but I'm simply too tired for that and often I'm still groggily convincing myself that I need to wake up and get things done.  Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.  But I'm not spending enough quality time with the kids, and I'm not getting enough sleep...and that's a recipe for disaster all around.

I find myself longing for the weekends, and dreaming about all of the things I'd like to do with my vacation days, although I definitely can't take them until July since everyone is busting their butts for the next two weeks.  Even then I need to work around being out of the office for my conference in July, and I don't want to miss out on any important planning meetings as the summer progresses.  But I know how this goes...suddenly the summer will be over, I won't have taken advantage of the nice weather and the kids' flexibility, and I'll be kicking myself. 

I realized the other day that I really haven't sat down and played with Carter and his toys in far too long.  Honestly, we've been relying on the kids' joint fascination with the show "Paw Patrol" more than we should.  Both kids like it, and it's awfully easy to pop an episode on after dinner and have the kids snuggle in with Daddy on the couch for a bit.  Craig relaxes, and I try to get a few things done before I run out of energy.   Then suddenly it's bedtime and the battles begin.  I've tried in the last couple days to make more of an effort to just play with Carter, particularly because I know he's at such a great age for it.  I'm trying, but it's hard sometimes.  If I had all the time in the world, sure, it would be at the top of my list...but when I look around the house at the piles and the dirty floors and all of the things that I need to do to keep the house functional, it's almost an impossible scenario.  How can I do both?  It seems like the easy choice to sit down and play, but as the list grows longer, it becomes an even bigger monster to slay and soon enough it's overwhelming.  Ultimately, fixing it pulls me away from my mom role even more.  I often feel like when I don't put in enough time to keep household things functioning, suddenly I'm forced to play catch-up in a more concentrated period of time, meaning I'm available even less than usual for a while.  It's all about finding the balance, and I guess I still haven't.

I really hoped that having a cleaner, neater house while I was off would inspire me to keep it that way once I was back to work.  I discovered that I didn't hate cleaning--I just hated devoting valuable time to doing it amidst a busy schedule.  I also learned that it didn't take long to make an impact--15 minutes here and there can do a lot--and I try to remind myself of that when a project seems unmanageable.  Sometimes that thinking does work, but most of the time I feel like I don't even have that 15 minutes to take, or I take it and 15 minutes turns into 30 or 45 and any spare time I'd set aside to be a good mom goes right out the window.  The mom guilt gets pretty bad at that point, and while I know people will poo-poo that because we all just do the best we can, it's still not fair to my kids that I'm choosing other things over them.  I don't want them to live in filth or not have food in their lunch bag or miss the deadline to bring a picture in for their Father's Day project either, but again, there aren't enough hours in the day to fulfill the physical and emotional needs the way I should.  It sucks.  Seriously.

Every day I look at the pictures of the boys on my desk and find it so ironic that they're both the reason that I sit at that desk and the reason why it's so hard to sit at that desk.  I'm so thankful to have this job and I know this is just how life has to be.  We have two pretty happy kids, loving families, and a nice home, so we really don't have much to complain about.  I just hate that it's so hard to find balance, and I hate that all of the de-stressing I did over those three months has faded away so quickly.  Boo.

One of Those Days (The Good Kind)

This weekend was one of our few weekends in the midst of a lot of busy ones.  Between family birthdays, Father's Day, and other events, I was determined to make the most of the weekend.  And we did, I think.

Oh, but first...last Tuesday Jacob finished off his outdoor lacrosse season.  This is the one that started pretty badly, where Jacob didn't want to go to practice and came home from countless practices early for various reasons.  Because we couldn't get our money back, we soldiered on.  It wasn't that many games anyway, and as the season went on, it was clear that Jacob was enjoying it more.  He still wasn't getting passed to very much and still didn't seem to really bond with his teammates, but everything still felt better.  Tuesday was the last game, and despite the fact that it poured for a good chunk of the day, the clouds parted and the sun came out before the game.  The field wasn't too wet, so they played.  And near the end of the game, Jacob scored his second goal of the season (third ever)!  Next year will be interesting, since very few of his teammates will be back.  The team has dominated for the two years we've been involved, and theexperienced kids are all moving up next year.  So Jacob will then be one of the experienced kids and it will be interesting to see how that goes.  Will he step up and become one of the new good players?  We shall see come November...

Anyway...we had baseball Thursday night and Saturday morning.  He's been doing well there, too.  His hitting is still good and his fielding is getting better.  Sometimes he tries to run the ball to a base because he doesn't trust his teammates to catch it (sometimes with good reason), but it's always fun to watch everyone improve.  He's been insisting that he doesn't want to play next year, but we'll see how that goes.  Now that baseball is his only sport he may rediscover his love for it.  And if not, we can always look into a season that doesn't conflict with lacrosse and see if he might be okay with that.

After baseball and lunch on Saturday, Carter went down for his nap and I ventured outside to do some work in the yard.  Our yard looks like crap right now anyway from all of the sidewalk/road work that's been in progress for the last couple weeks, but I had some trimming and weed killing to do before getting to my main project--ripping out four bushes.  Of course, they're not even the bushes I hate trimming--those will probably be a pro job because they're huge and there are so many of them--but these just got added to the list a couple weeks ago when Craig mentioned them.  And for the first time it dawned on me that we could just rip them out.  The four euonymous bushes, those yellow-green leaved shrubs, lined the back of our patio up against the house.  They grow all crazy if you let them, with wacky shoots and whatever, and a couple years ago we discovered that shoots were growing up behind our siding...and one actually made it all the way up and out under the eaves.  UGH.  That one got trimmed at the bottom and is still hanging there dead (both because we don't have a ladder tall enough and because it was a good reminder to keep checking!).  They were so crazy looking that it was hard to tell how many were even in there, and they were crawling out onto the patio and looking all sorts of uneven and awkward.  No matter how I tried to trim them, they never looked good and grew back too fast to keep up with.  So, it was time for them to go.  I hacked away at them for a couple hours and got all four down to stumps.  Craig came out and started hacking away at the stumps with the shovel and I strategically snipped stubborn roots until everything was out.  The pile was quite large--five large bags full.  We'll still probably have shoots, but they'll be easier to manage and the remaining bed of lush soil is just waiting for new inhabitants...probably something simple like boxwoods that grow neatly, or something that will do well in the damp shade.  It was exhausting but awesome.

Once Carter woke up from his nap, we headed out to do a real activity.  I feel like we don't do enough of those.  Between our travels and sports and just catching up from the exhaustion of the week, weekends tend to be pretty utilitarian.  And while it's often necessary, I hate it.  I want weekends to be fun and interesting and memorable.  And it's summer, so we need to do this stuff while we can.  We almost didn't go on this adventure because the kids were a little cranky and we were running short on time, but the weather forecast for Sunday was crappy so this was our only shot to head up to the lake to see replicas of the Nina and the Pinta from Christopher Columbus' fleet!

They were docked up at the port in Charlotte (shar-LOT, for those of you not from around here), and while I wasn't thrilled about the admission fee, we only had to pay for three of us and we don't do stuff like this often.  And, it was actually pretty cool.

The Nina was first (on the left), the Pinta was second (in the back).  The Santa Maria doesn't exist, as a replica would apparently be too big to travel the waterways these boats tour.

The boys trying to open a "treasure chest" on the Nina.  The boats had lots of history and examples of the gear they used.

This was supposed to be both boys near a small cannon, but this is what we ended up with instead.  No surprise - Jacob doesn't want to be cooperative and Carter is always on the move...

Jacob and Craig checking out the rudder--no captain's wheel on these boats!

Looking toward the front of the Nina

Off the side of the Nina, looking across the Genesee River

Closer shot of the Pinta, with a tugboat in the background

The boys at the front of the Pinta

Attempted selfie with Carter...always a challenge!

We could go up on a second level on the Pinta!

I caught this shot from up top, with one sailboat in the river and another in the lake!

Back on the Nina, Carter loved the hole where the rudder lever came on the ship!

Both boys were pulling at the ropes, but of course I only got Carter by the time my camera came out!

After checking out the ships, we wandered down closer to the lake for Carter's first visit to the carousel!  We took Jacob a little before his second birthday, and that trip wasn't particularly successful.  I had higher hopes for Carter since he was older, but with half of his genes belonging to Craig, I always know that spinning may not be the best activity!  He seemed to like the look of it and was a bit reserved when we got on...

 

 

...but he loved it!  In fact, he wouldn't stop talking about it afterward, and kept wanting to go back!  And after a brief period where Jacob wasn't a fan of merry-go-rounds, he seems to be past that...

 

And here's Craig on his ostrich :)

We took a few extra minutes to wander down to the beach.  The boys wasted no time digging right in...

Carter was throwing sand, Jacob was doing sand angels, and we had a heck of a time getting them out of there!  I promised that we could come back another time, so I guess we have to add that to the list!

By this point we were still debating dinner plans, because we wanted to go out but are always challenged to find places Jacob can eat, and in the meantime opted for one more detour.  Craig had discovered a little spot adjacent to a church that housed a Peace Garden commemmorating the Bicentennial of the War of 1812. 

Some flags, some historical plaques, and some pretty flowers...

The garden was adjacent to a historic lighthouse along the Genesee River.  The lighthouse dates back to the 1820s, I think, and the keeper's house is from the 1860s.  It's open for tours, so we may be going back one of these days!

While the boys were reading the plaques and Carter was running around, I noticed this (very) little guy hanging out on a plant...

The picture was actually taken sideways, but it keeps rotating to vertical here.  Still pretty cool.  He was maybe as big as my pinky nail!

We finished off our night with our first family trip to Five Guys Burgers & Fries.  We'd been there was Jacob was a baby, but we hadn't been there since Jacob's Celiac diagnosis.  I'd heard they were good for Celiacs, since their fries are done in a dedicated fryer and they're good about changing gloves and all that.  But we hadn't gone because peanuts are a central component of their offerings (peanuts as an appetizer and peanut oil fries) and we had been holding off on giving Carter peanuts.  Turns out he's fine with them (slight daycare misunderstanding--yikes), so we decided to give it a shot.  And honestly, it was great.  Carter and Jacob both loved their hot dogs (Jacob's was bun-free, of course), and Craig and I loved our burgers.  Everyone enjoyed the peanuts, and overall it was just a really pleasant trip.  It was a great end to a fun evening. 

Yesterday was pretty low key since it rained all afternoon.  I bought a pair of pants for a little over $1 (thank you JCPenney $10 coupons!) and Jacob created his own lacrosse field in the garage with chalk and his nets, since our cars were still parked on the street due to construction.  But it was a pretty quiet day, which was probably needed.  Another week has started and the countdown to Jacob's birthday is on!  So much to do! 

All Roads Lead to June

June is a funny month for me.  It's one of my favorite months, and has been since it became associated with the end of school.  And while that no longer applies to me myself, I admit I will be relieved when Jacob's school year is over.  I will appreciate the break from mandatory homework and the mountain of backpack paperwork.  I am determined to keep Jacob reading, though, so creating some motivation for him is high on my list of summer to-dos.  Anyway, June is usually when the weather is consistently good (though this year is a little iffy--lots of rain lately and not super warm) and it's usually when life in general shifts into a more relaxed summer mode (not relaxing, mind you, but relaxed).  I like summer and June is the start of it, so I've really always loved this month.

But as an adult, June has taken on a life of its own.  Each year around this time I tend to recall significant emotional happenings that took place during this month, happenings that each quite literally changed the course of my life. 

Twelve years ago, I spent the month of June counting down to my wedding.  Last minute details, last minute planning before two weeks away from work, and so much excitement!  And let's not forget--counting down to my first vacation in 15 years that involved a plane ride!  It was definitely a huge event to look forward to, and a life-changing turning point to commit my life to another person.  Besides the emotional changes, we had some logistics to work out, too.  We had to look into living arrangements (my apartment lease was up a month after the wedding), figure out how to co-habitate (and do it for a month in a small apartment!), and prepare for all of the changes that marriage brings.  As nervous as I was about the event itself going well, I was completely comfortable with the idea of marriage itself, which was very reassuring.  It was just a time of anticipation and excitement, and I still smile at how excited I'd get when I'd sneak my wedding ring out of the box and put it on with my engagement ring!  I suppose I take that view for granted these days, but when I recall how happy I was to find the right wedding band and then imagine having it on my finger every day, it puts a smile on my face even now.

The wedding went fantastically, and even 12 years later there isn't a whole lot I'd change.  A couple tweaks here and there, but the day was really beautiful and our honeymoon was wonderful (aside from the canceled flight on our way home that stranded us in Chicago and left us in a three-hour cab line at O'Hare after midnight).  What a June that was, though.

Fast-forward five years, and we were eagerly anticipating the birth of our first child.  We had no idea what we were in for--two people with minimal baby experience, in an age where "What to Expect When You're Expecting" was THE main source of pregnancy/baby advice (oh, how blogs would have helped!).  This blog was in its infancy.  In case you were wondering, seven years ago today I pondered the end of our childless era.  A couple days earlier I had taken the last picture I'd get of me pregnant, a full 10 days before delivery.  We didn't know the baby's gender, we had no idea if I would go early or late, and we had no clue what to expect once that baby made its appearance.  By the time June hit we'd pretty much finished up baby classes and were trying to get the nursery set up.  Ideally that would have happened sooner, in particular before the summer heat hit, but a couple hiccups with the furniture pushed that back.  I was also insistent that we sort our shower gifts thoroughly and make our returns/exchanges/new purchases before we really got going on the room, since I wanted to have the big picture of everything that would need placing or putting away before I got started.  It was such an exciting time, though admittedly scary since we were heading into the unknown.  I remember feeling those conflicting emotions, and at the time, the fear almost overshadowed the excitement.  But knowing that such a big change was coming was exciting, and each sign that things were happening made my heart beat a little faster.

It turned out that my water broke more than 11 days early, with little lead notice aside from the fact that I was dilating a little more each week.  I had very little of the discomfort I had with Carter, so everything ended up pretty unexpected.  I had to be induced, pushed for three hours, and ended up with a sunny-side up baby boy who needed to be vacuumed out at 2:40 in the morning.  And four hours later he was whisked off to the special care nursery to begin the longest week of our lives, as Jacob was treated for fluid in his lungs, low oxygen levels, and jaundice.  I was exhausted and stressed out, and had a mid-week breakdown caused by hormones, sleep deprivation, and the challenges of breastfeeding.  We finished out the month by bringing Jacob home just in time for our anniversary, and this blog has documented most of what has happened in the seven years since.  But what a crazy month that was.

Finally, three years ago, we were finally coming to the end of a very long year of trying to figure out what the heck my body was doing.  After putting off baby #2 for an extra year, thanks to Jacob's trying behavior and the fear of paying for two kids in daycare, we discovered that my body wasn't going to be very cooperative the second time around. We actually got lucky when I got pregnant with Jacob, because things were actually already screwed up then.  We just didn't realize how screwed up, because I randomly ended up pregnant before we had to do any major digging.  But it was clear the second time around that something was up, and subsequent doctor visits showed that I had a mild case of PCOS that was affecting my cycles and made it almost impossible to time anything out.  So, I took Clomid as directed, and this weekend marks three years since the day I got a hormone shot and was sent home with directions to....well, you know.  And sure enough, a couple weeks later we got a faint positive test.  A week after that we got positive bloodwork results, and a little more than seven months after that we had Carter.  But the emotions surrounding a year of trying, the relief of getting an answer, and the almost immediate decision to give the Clomid a try were pretty crazy, and it made that June such a whirlwind.  And, of course, I spent the next few months feeling like crap, so that summer as a whole was a mess!

It's no wonder this month holds such mixed emotions for me.  So many major life changes.  They were all good, of course, but life-altering nonetheless.  With each change comes a certain degree of wistfulness for what has passed, and an excitement for what's to come.  After three pivotal Junes in the last 12 years, I'll take some comfort in the relative ease of this one.  Of course, I have a birthday to plan in the next couple weeks, so that will keep me busy enough!  I can't believe my first baby boy is going to be seven! 

Freeze!

As I've gone through this parenting journey, so much of the time I'm looking ahead to the next big thing.  I'm waiting for the next milestone, looking forward to getting out of a less-than-enjoyable phase, or simply excited to see what comes next.  But lately I've been wanting to freeze time a bit.  Carter is at an amazing age, and I seriously can't get enough.

To be fair, he has his moments.  Lately daycare drop-offs have been tough, and his tendency to want to run has been a challenge.  He can be a major handful, and he can have an attitude.  He has tantrums about random stuff, though they're fortunately short-lived.  He gets that mischievous look on his face more than I'd like, and he often does what he knows he shouldn't.  But for whatever reason, all of that pales in comparison to the adorable, sweet kid that we see most of the time.  There are moments where I wonder if I'd take someone up on the offer of freezing him at this age, because he's just so darn fun.  In reality, I do want to see him grow up, and I look forward to seeing what kid of big kid/adult comes out of the sweet kid he is now.  I truly hope it sticks.  But oh, I really want to find ways to remember how awesome he is now.  The video on my camera has been sorely underused, for sure, and I need to rectify that quickly.  If I can't freeze him, at least I can document the adorableness.

I can't quite describe what makes him so wonderful, but the funny thing is that strangers see it, too.  I can't tell you how often we'll be out and someone will comment about how cute he is.  And honestly, I don't think it's just his face, though that is crazy cute itself.  I think people just see his demeanor and hear him talking, and somehow instantly see that he's a really cool kid.  It's been that way since he was a baby.  During our trip to Disney we had so many people--including staff, who see so many kids every day--that were so enamored with him, and it's been happening at home ever since. 

As much as he's never been a cuddler like Jacob was (oh, those naps with Jacob were lovely), he's such a great hugger.  He will give almost anyone a hug if they ask.  And they're real hugs, with arms and everything!  He's still working on the kissing thing, but last night at bedtime he gave me the best little kiss...perfect little pucker and everything.  He just genuinely likes people and cares about them.  The other day I was holding him in one arm and had bags on the other.  Somehow I managed to pinch myself with the bags, and I said, "Ouch!" and immediately put him down.  Carter said, "Sorry, mama!" and I was like, "Oh, no, buddy, that wasn't you...Mommy hurt herself!"  But the sentiment was so sweet.  He does stuff like that all the time.  Oh, and he's really great about saying "thank you", which is so cute.

He makes such sweet observations about the world, and still has a genuine excitement for the littlest of things.  This morning he was so excited by the bunny rabbit in our front yard and the dump truck at the end of our driveway (major road reconstruction...grrrrr) that I could barely drag him upstairs to get him dressed.  He loves looking out the window in the car and pointing out vehicles.  He's a great shopping buddy as long as he's in a cart or stroller and can watch the world go by.  He's at a point where I can almost have a real conversation with him--though obviously his responses are pretty minimal and it's my job to keep things going.  I'm appreciating that he's not yet into the 500 questions phase, nor is he a constant chatterbox (unless Jacob is around, at which point the noise is constant and the volume is high). 

He still thinks we're all the coolest people he knows, thinks we're pretty funny, and is happy to see us in the morning or at the end of the day.  He may not be a great eater sometimes, but he can be entertained with a snack.  He loves setting up shop on the couch for an episode of Paw Patrol, and he loves driving his cars around the house.  He lives a very simple life, and despite the two-year-old tantrums, his world is relatively drama-free.  At least, compared to life with an almost-seven-year-old, it sure feels drama-free!

Looking back in the blog, it's clear to me that we didn't get this same sort of experience with Jacob.  While we had moments that were sweet and fun, I can tell that so much of what was happening at this age was hard.  Even then he was a challenge.  I remember feeling like the terrible twos started right around 18 months and didn't let up for a long time (or ever?!).  I remember things being exhausting, a constant barrage of tantrums and challenges.  Reading back I can see that we were already having issues with what he was wearing or getting him to put on a coat or to leave his hockey stick at home.  We have moments of that with Carter, for sure, but more often than not, he's a very agreeable little kid.  Whereas Jacob couldn't be distracted or convinced of anything, Carter usually gets past it pretty quickly.  It's like night and day sometimes, and their differences never cease to amaze me. 

This post was spawned from the realization that I didn't have this urgency to freeze time when Jacob was this age.  I just wanted to push through and get him to an age where he could be reasonable.  Little did I know that might never happen, but if nothing else it makes our current situation that much more appreciated.  Part of it may be that Carter is our last baby and I hate to see some of these phases end.  I know now that this is a pretty "easy" age, and I think his easy phase is easier than some kids', so it's even more precious.  I'll admit that I feel a little bad directly comparing the kids, but it's not Jacob's fault he was a much more challenging kid.  It's the truth, though.  I find it amazing and somewhat comforting to know that a) what we were going through with him really was harder than what a lot of people deal with, as we suspected; and b) that what we went through with him probably didn't have much to do with our parenting skills.  After all, we raised both of them and the outcomes were so different!  For the longest time I was convinced that we did something wrong, and I suspected that Jacob's tantrums really were worse than what other people insisted their kid was doing, too.  But if their kids were anything like Carter, trust me, our situation was worse!  We're still dealing with a lot of ridiculousness, but we are managing.  It's been a long road, but I'm glad we added a fun little travel companion to join us along the way.

This parenting thing is pretty fascinating.

It Never Stops...

So...we had a rather busy three-day weekend around our house.  It was a three-day weekend because, unfortunately, Craig and I both took Friday off to attend a funeral in Buffalo for someone on his side of the family.  It wasn't someone we were close to, but we're closer to many of his close relatives and were definitely going to support them regardless.  This person was far too young and the circumstances very sad.  We wanted to be there on Thursday for the wake, as well, but between Jacob being in school, his baseball game Thursday night, my parents being out of town (so no backup child care), and the fact that I don't get time off for funerals unless I take vacation, it seemed best for us to stay in Rochester on Thursday and to head out on Friday while the kids were at school/daycare.  I had to enlist godmother Lori's help to get Jacob on the bus since we had to leave before he was picked up, but it worked out well. 

Most funerals we go to end up being a very lengthy day--funeral home, church, cemetery, luncheon--but this one was just the church and a luncheon.  It was no less sad, of course, but knowing how exhausting funeral days usually are--between the emotional toll and the physical toll of the long day that usually includes a sleepy drive home--I'll admit it was a bit of a relief to have a shorter schedule.  But the service was nice (though the priest was a bit unorthodox--no one is falling asleep in his masses, for more than one reason) and the luncheon was pleasant considering the sad circumstances.  When it was over we found ourselves with a free afternoon, which was a nice surprise. 

Initially I had wanted to stay in Buffalo and have a bit of a date day, possibly down at the new Canalside development along the water in the city, but due to an issue that cropped up the night before, we decided it was probably best to head home.  See, while we were at Jacob's baseball game the previous night, I noticed that a couple of Carter's mosquito bites on his legs had formed rings around them.  Of course my first thought was the bullseye of tick bites, but considering there were two of them, one on each leg and in totally different spots, and I had never seen any sort of tick, I didn't want to jump to conclusions.  I also didn't think there would have been ticks in the areas where he'd played outside prior to when the bites appeared, but I guess you never know.  We're not exactly in the woods, but we're only a couple blocks away from a golf course and we do see deer once in a great while.  I posted a picture on Facebook and immediately everyone was commenting that it looked like a tick bite.  Now, I don't know how many of those people have ever seen a tick bite in person (possibly a couple), but I still felt like the scenario made it doubtful and I was a little annoyed that no one was saying, "Oh, yeah, I had bug bites freak out on me once like that..", which is what I actually asked for in the post itself.  Instead I got more than a dozen people who were immediately convinced it was a tick bite.  Sigh.  I was going to call the doctor anyway, but had to wait until later in the day to get an appointment.

So...upon returning home from Buffalo, a thunderstorm hit.  Craig relaxed with a movie and I headed out to run a couple errands.  I stopped at the liquidation sale at a craft store to snag a couple more cheap jewelry making supplies (I'm not totally into it, but I do find it fun to make my simple, limited-skill stuff!), and then went to the upscale consignment store down the plaza and snagged a $5 blouse for work.  Love it!  I called the doctor to get Carter an appointment, and confirmed it would be after 5:30, meaning that Craig would have to take him.  I had to do my volunteer work at the Little League concession stand that night.  It's a once-a-year thing and I'm getting pretty good at it now!

Once the schedule for the evening was set, I made the most of my extra time and ran off to Target to pick up a few things.  I bought more than I bargained for, as usual, but I got great deals!  I then headed home to get ready for my duty and just missed Craig leaving to get the boys.  My duty was busy but fun, though it got cut short by a nasty thunderstorm that rolled through.  Meanwhile, back at home, the boys did this...

Tents in the living room while watching Despicable Me!

Oh, and the verdict at the doctor was that Carter's bites were just mosquito bites that had a reaction, just as I suspected.  The doctor suggested hydrocortisone and Benadryl if he needed it, and the hydrocortisone worked like a charm.  They're fine now.  And while I appreciate everyone's concern, can I say, "I told you so!"?  I'm glad he's fine, though rest assured I am going to continue to keep an eye on him, just in case.  Between last week's virus and a little rash he's had around his mouth, it's enough to make me nervous, even after a doctor visit!

Saturday Jacob had a lacrosse game in the morning and a baseball game in the afternoon.  In between Carter took a short nap and I spent a couple hours doing my least favorite outside task--trimming our bushes.  If you remember, a couple years ago I sliced my finger open with the hedge trimmer and got a few stitches.  I've dreaded the job even more since then.  Our bushes are all just too big!  Some of the evergreens are bare underneath and I can barely reach up to trim them.  One of these years we'll need to get them ripped out and start over.  I can't wait.

Sunday we were back off to Buffalo for our nephew's birthday party.  It was a beautiful day and we had a very nice time.  Jacob played a lot of lacrosse with his cousins and their friends.  Carter was a very good boy, just riding around on a toy and running around the fenced yard. 

His other sweet ride :)

Jacob wanted to go in the pool but he didn't want to wear his floatie, so he mostly hung out near the stairs in the shallow end with Craig.  We tried to get Carter in, but he didn't like it.  He took a little break after his first attempt, and I tried to get him to take a selfie with me, but this was as good as it got...

Oh, and before I forget, here's a good picture of the two of us together, taken at daycare at the Mother's Day ice cream social last month.  I finally remembered to send it to myself from the text messages on my phone!

Carter decided he wasn't done with the pool, but he still mostly sat on the stair dipping his feet in.  By the end he was putting his hands in a little, so maybe there's hope...


Carter, Daddy, and Jacob sticking close to the stairs

Daddy and his boys



Jacob saw me with my camera out and started doing "tricks"...notice the kicked leg!

We were all pretty tired by the time we got home and an overnight thunderstorm didn't help me one bit (but the boys all slept through it, thank goodness), but we're off and running on another week anyway.  I actually had a busy day at work today (yay!), and Jacob's last lacrosse game is tomorrow.  I won't miss the time commitment it involves for him, but I will miss seeing him play that sport for the next five months.  He's gotten so much better, and while it doesn't show on the scoresheet yet, I just love seeing him improve.  We've got baseball later in the week, too, but luckily the weekend doesn't look crazy just yet!  It'll get there, I'm sure!

A Little Funk

Lately things have just been....tough.  Monday in particular really stunk, and I just feel like so much has been bumming me out lately.

I know the weather over the weekend and into the beginning of the week didn't help matters.  I got cold (mid-40s to low 50s) and rainy.  Super rainy.  Like it started raining overnight from Saturday to Sunday and never really seemed to stop until yesterday morning.  It was so cold and so dreary and it didn't feel at all like June.  And with the winter we had, I guess it doesn't take much to fall into the hopeless-due-to-weather department. 

My job also hasn't been helping.  I'm still thrilled to have it, of course, but the last few weeks have been trying.  I'm still not that busy, so it's leading to a lot of very long days.  I'm just sort of stuck in a weird spot.  It's the end of our fiscal year, so there's a major crunch right now to get a lot of communications out and bring in as much money as we can before the end of the year.  My two superiors are crazy busy (and one is just getting over pneumonia), and I think it's hard for them to even take the time to figure out what's out there that they can teach me quickly.  They're so busy trying to plow through things, and I'm sure there's still a concern about how well I can do certain things with minimal supervision.  I've learned a ton and I think in the long run things will be fine as I learn more and they gain confidence in me, but currently I spend a lot of days either trying to kill time or doing lengthy, tedious projects all day.  It's been challenging.  I keep trying to tell myself that I'm still sitting here making more money and with better benefits than before, but I don't like feeling like I'm not contributing.  Never underestimate the value of feeling like you're helping someone else.  Clearly it's important.

Carter came home sick at the end of the day on Monday, which added to Monday's suckiness.  He was fine in the morning but started complaining about his belly in the afternoon and had a 102 fever by the time he got picked up.  He was such a sad little boy that night, not wanting to eat and asking to go to bed early.  I was super nervous about him having a stomach bug, but that never materialized and the worst it got was a bit of a messy diaper yesterday.  He has still been complaining about his ears, but the fever was gone last night so I'm just going to keep an eye on the ear thing and take him to the doctor if it seems to be an issue.

Jacob has been his usual challenging self.  There are moments where he's great and I'm so proud of him.  He just seems to be growing up before our eyes right now, and I can't get over that he's almost done with first grade.  Second grade seems so...old.  But he is such a challenge right now.  He complains about everything.  Everything.  It's like the whole world is ganging up on him.  The past few nights he's been yelling downstairs after bedtime because he can't sleep.  He refuses to read, but I refuse to let him play on the iPad because that will only keep him awake later.  He's bored and clearly wants company, but I guarantee that our presence will not make him fall asleep faster.  Beyond that, he fights us on regular daily life stuff--having to clean up his dirty clothes, brush his teeth, do his homework, remember to hand in his homework, eat his dinner before he gets dessert, go to lacrosse practice, you name it.  I told him this morning as he grumbled about a perceived injustice that the people that succeed in life do so because they are better at dealing with adversity.  A deep thought to lay on an almost-seven-year-old, I know, but it's true.  Successful people deal with their problems and move on.  The people that quit halfway through are the ones that don't go anywhere in life.  I don't know.  I just want him to listen at least some of the time and not question everything.  Questioning everything may serve him well later in life, but while he's living under our rules, it does not.  It only serves to exhaust everyone.

Beyond that, Monday stunk because there was a sudden death on Craig's side of the family (his cousin's college-age son) and there was a fatal shooting outside the mall five minutes from our house.  Turns out the shooter, a cop, is the dad of one of the kids on Jacob's lacrosse team.  The victim was suicidal and high on drugs and had an illegal gun, but I imagine the investigation into this one could be a little tough since they're only saying that the victim was reaching for his waistband.  The cop did get dragged 70 feet across the parking lot while hanging on to the car, so there's that, but it seems a little extreme that the guy got shot twice.  Basically, Monday was just a disaster, but the funk has been hanging in there for a while now. 

Like I said, I think my job has been a major contributor, but I can also tell I'm getting to the point where I'm craving some alone time with Craig and it feels like it'll never happen.  And you know, even if it does, it will come with guilt and possibly a lot of extra work and planning that take some of the fun right out of it.  We'd love to take a trip or something, but between my job being busy over the summer, and making sure the kids (and Jacob's dietary needs) don't drive anyone nuts, and just picking somewhere and doing it, it's just hard.  But I know we need that time to reconnect and remind ourselves why we found the other so much fun to be with in the first place.  The constant chatter from the kids makes it nearly impossible to complete a full sentence, let alone a full conversation, and by the time they're in bed, we're too exhausted to do much besides veg out in front of the screen of our choice.  We're fine, mind you, but I'd definitely like to recapture that higher level of connectedness and FUN that tends to go by the wayside when you work all day and wrangle kids at night.  Nothing quite beats feeling like stupid-in-love kids again, right?  Perhaps my sense of urgency has grown since my parents just spent a couple days in Las Vegas and it's been 11 years this summer since we last went there (and a lot has changed!).  That's really the last trip we've been on where we've spent hours by the pool and got adventurous at night (not crazy, just less planned, I guess?).  We had a few other pre-kid adventures away from home after that, too.  But outside of a hectic 36 hours together when the Knighthawks won the 2013 championship near Vancouver, and a couple nights in Niagara Falls here and there, we haven't had a lot of husband and wife vacation fun since the kids came along.  We probably need to rectify that soon, but no doubt it's a challenge to coordinate it all.

Hopefully things will get better soon.  The weather is on the upswing, work will get busier, and eventually Craig and I will get some time together...somehow.  The kids...well, they'll continue to keep us hopping, but that sort of goes with the territory.  As with everything else when it comes to parenthood, it's all a phase and will change soon enough.  Now to hang in there long enough for that to happen...