ONE

My sweet Carter,

I can't believe you turn one today.  I keep telling myself that since you weren't born until 10:32 pm, you're technically not one yet!  I'll hold on to these last official baby moments while I can!  But the truth is, you've been with us for a year now and it was the fastest year of my life!  I seriously can't wrap my brain around the fact that you're a year old because it seems like not that long ago that I was lumbering around this house pregnant and pained.  Deep down I knew you'd come early but I never thought you'd be three weeks ahead of schedule...well, at least, not until those last couple days when I felt so awful that I figured my body couldn't hold up much longer.  I think it's sort of ironic that Valentine's Day will always remind me of last year, when I was so uncomfortable that I could barely sit up, yet I had to make it through a day of work, Jacob's last night of soccer, and dinner out.  I thought by the end of the day that you'd be making an early appearance, but when I woke up the next morning feeling much better, I thought maybe I was wrong.  And then a few hours later you got things moving, and the rest is history.  Less than 12 hours later you were in my arms. 

You have been the best baby I could have asked for.  Given the year we've had with your brother (more on that later), we needed an easy baby and you definitely fit the bill.  As much as I wanted a girl, I couldn't have asked for anything more with you...so as usual, it's clear that God knew what he was doing!  Aside from a couple rough nights early on, I can probably count the times I've had to rock you for an extreme amount of time on a hand and a half, if that.  You've even made it through teething like a champ.  You're a great sleeper and a great eater, and while recently you've gotten a little more demanding, you've almost always been good when I need you to be.  I just can't get over how chill you've been over this past year.

My maternity leave with you was so blissful.  Yes, I was tired, but I made it a point to hold you a lot and take in every moment of your sweet little self.  You were so tiny and I spent so many moments marveling at your long fingers, little feet, soft skin and abundant hair!  You had so much hair, everywhere, which is rare for babies in my family, at least.  Eventually you got rid of most of it, and now you're sporting a bit of a baby mullet because you lost a bunch on the top of your head but the back's been growing in all along.  You're still so much darker in general than Jacob was, which never ceases to amaze us. 

You and your brother are so different.  You don't look very much alike, and your personalities are pretty different as well.  Still, sometimes I marvel as I read this blog at how you've both done the same things at the same time.  And yet, he had more hair at this point but you've doubled him in teeth.  I think you're probably going to walk before he did, too, because you're already able to stand up for a few seconds at a time.  You think Jacob is the most amazing person in the world, even though he won't give you the time of day.  In fact, lately he's been yelling at you and trying to intimidate you, but you just sit there and smile at him.  If I wasn't so ticked at him, I'd be extra amused by your response.  Hopefully someday he'll come around, but I'm sorry in the meantime that you're missing out on the love and entertainment that older brothers are supposed to provide.

I do apologize that you had to join our family at this particular time, because you're really not seeing the best of us.  You've heard so much yelling and I wonder how much of what you see sinks in.  Don't get any ideas from watching your brother beat on us or tell us "no".  That is not how you want to do things.  I hate that you've had to be around all of this insanity and have a crazy mommy for your first year, but you know what?  You have been the bright shining light of this tough year and I don't know how I would have made it through without your smiling face and sweet baby snuggles.  You made me love being a mommy again, and brought me little bits of joy in the midst of so much stress and sadness.  No pressure or anything, but the longer you can keep that up, the better.

You love people so much and they are instantly drawn to you.  I've never seen a baby get so many comments or give confidence boosts to so many random strangers everywhere we go.  There is just a light in your eyes that draws people in, and those chubby cheeks are irresistible.  Even at Disney where there are more kids than you can count, so many people were drawn right to you.  Everyone at daycare loves you so much, and every picture I post of you on Facebook gets so many "likes"!

You haven't been completely drama-free, of course.  The decision to stop nursing you when you were six weeks old was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.  I had to put my sanity and the normalcy of our household at the top of the priority list because I knew that formula could still give you what you needed while keeping my stress level lower.  In the end I'm sort of grateful, because I think I was a much more relaxed mom because your survival did not depend entirely on my body.  I wouldn't change how I did things with Jacob, but I'm at peace with how our journey went, too, because I wasn't battling my body or blaming myself if things went wrong with you.  Of course, once we were used to formula, solids came along and messed everything up again, especially when we figured out you couldn't tolerate rice.  That was a complication I never expected, and it became even more challenging when your brother went gluten-free and everything we were eating included some sort of rice flour.  I'm still working through that balance, but I think we're doing okay.  You're eating a bunch and I haven't contaminated either one of you yet, that I can tell.

As we reach a year, we're eager for a few more milestones.  Your first haircut (see the mullet reference above) will be first, and hopefully your first word will be next.  You babble "mama" and "dada", but you don't seem to connect it to us yet.  Hopefully soon.  I'm not sure what other words might come next, but I can't wait to start hearing what's going on in that head.  Walking should be coming soon, too, and then we all have to watch out because you are one determined, curious little boy.  After that I think sports will only be a matter of time, though it remains to be seen if you'll be as into them as your brother.  Right now you seem to like cars and sporting equipment equally. 

I feel like there are so many more things I wanted to tell you, but all I can really say is that I feel so blessed to be your mommy.  You have been the perfect addition to our family and I just marvel at you every single day.  Watching you grow up has been so enjoyable, in part because I'm not as nervous about the parenting fundamentals this time around and can simply focus on how great you are.  I can't wait to see you grow and have loved spending this past year with you!  I know you won't remember this birthday (or this year), but I can't wait to make memories with you for many, many more!  Happy Birthday Carter!

Love,
Mommy

Same Old, Same Old

So yesterday was another meeting about Jacob, this time with the school psychologist, the school counselor, and Jacob's teacher.  We had to go over their evaluation of him.  As usual, no one is giving us a diagnosis, but every one of these meetings is, in theory, another step closer to answers...be it a diagnosis, a path to follow, or another idea to try to focus him in the classroom. 

The meeting was pretty much the same as what we've heard so much of over the past few months.  Jacob is soooo smart, but he just can't focus or follow directions.  He's in his own little world a lot of the time, and gets stuck on certain topics quite frequently. No surprises, nothing we haven't already heard or seen plenty of ourselves.  The good news is that he was in the 99th percentile for a lot of the tests they administered, and the areas where he did struggle were usually not too bad, aside from one test that he failed miserably.  He couldn't focus and it was only a 30-second duration, so not a lot of room for error.  Everyone says how much they enjoy him, but it's obvious that his inability to follow directions has made each of them nuts in one way or another.

As usual, I got all teary by the end of it.  I just can't seem to get through one of those meetings without crying.  I don't know exactly what it is, but I think it's just this awful frustration of not knowing how to help him.  We know there's so much potential there.  He's smart, he's engaging, he's talented...but he can't get out of his own way to really showcase what he can do.  He gets bogged down by his lack of focus, he rattles on about things that no one else really cares about, and he just can't seem to control any of it.  Which, of course, is why we're working on going to the behavioral specialist, who can hopefully give him tactics for recognizing those moments and managing them as he gets older.  I mentioned his similarities to Max Braverman on Parenthood a few posts ago, and that's all I can picture--him sitting in class driving people nuts with random facts and getting lots of eyerolls from his fellow students. 

I also feel this profound sense of sadness when I think about how all of this has put a giant wedge between Jacob and me.  He's been a daddy's boy for a long time, mostly thanks to sports, but for a long time before that he and I were nearly inseparable.  I was the only one feeding him most of the time for over a year, we spent the weekends together when Craig was gone, and the mere sight of me could elicit an automatic smile.  Carter's arrival obviously complicated things a bit.  Jacob wouldn't come near Carter, and I had to be with Carter a good portion of the time.  Despite my best efforts to spend time with Jacob, most of the time they'd be met with resistance.  He wanted to be with Daddy, or he'd act out so badly that I had no choice but to cut the time short (like at bedtime when he'd lose books for not getting ready like he was supposed to).  Nowadays Jacob just considers us "bad" parents, though he still likes to spend time playing sports with Daddy and can be almost his normal self with me when Craig is working and he has no choice.

I explained to everyone yesterday that while Jacob has always been a bit challenging, the worst of the behavior has only been in the past year, and the absolute worst in the last six months.  Thinking you have a "normal" child for four-plus years, only to find yourself suddenly mired in evaluations and therapist visits, is a little jarring.  You just can't believe this is your life.  I know it could be worse--we could be visiting oncologists (like my friends, who seem to be getting ever closer to a terminal diagnosis for their daughter--heartbreaking) or heart specialists, or dealing with a major traumatic injury--but this is challenging in its own way, because it affects the quality of life for all of us.  And it's certainly never somewhere we thought we'd be.

I'll be honest--my fear of having to deal with life-altering, difficult medical challenges was almost enough to make me think I shouldn't have kids.  I wasn't sure how I would deal with a child who was profoundly disabled or very sick.  I'm still not, I suppose.  I guess you just deal because you have to, but I always feared that I would either shut down completely or have so much bitterness for not being able to be "normal".  I was afraid I wouldn't have the patience, that I would resent not being able to do things everyone else does, that I would feel trapped to not have the freedoms I once had.  I do have little moments where I feel that way, even now, so I can't even imagine how I'd feel if we had an even bigger challenge.  I'd like to think that given a worse situation I'd just have to put all of my energy into getting through it and wouldn't have time for the sour grapes, but I don't know.  Regardless, you love your child and that doesn't change for anything, but it still doesn't mean it's easy.  I keep hoping that Carter is as normal as can be, partly because I just want to see how easy it is to raise a kid that isn't a serious challenge at every turn.  I know every kid has their challenges, but to anyone out there thinking that, feel free to come to my house and watch the madness unfold every day, then tell me if you have challenges like that.  Seriously, I'm curious.

Do you know what a mom's kryptonite is?  Simply interfere with the bond between a mother and her child.  That is all it really takes to bring a mom to her knees.  It is such a natural instinct in mothers to protect and be close to their children, and when that bond is broken, it is heart wrenching.  And I think that is part of what is leaving me in tears at every one of these meetings, that I feel so distant from Jacob, for so many reasons.  He doesn't want to spend time with me.  When we do spend time together, part of the time he's difficult to manage, part of the time he's hard to understand, and the rest of the time I get a tiny glimpse into the kid that he used to be, but with the twist that he doesn't like a lot of affection so I'm mostly watching from afar.  There's a sad realization that the moments where he seems normal are so few and another battle is likely around the corner.  It's such a far cry from the kid he was, and that contrast breaks my heart every time. 

The fact that he won't willingly get near his brother complicates matters further.  One of the people in the meeting yesterday had talked to the therapist that Jacob sees now, and the therapist made a comment that she doesn't see us looking like a family very much.  I've been there a handful of times when she has specifically wanted our input together, but yes, Craig takes Jacob to his appointments because he has more job flexibility.  I have to make up every minute that I'm not at my desk, so it's harder for me to take off for appointments.  I'd obviously be there if I was specifically needed, but she usually doesn't talk to us much so it would literally be both of us sitting in the waiting room for an hour for no apparent reason.  It's not that I don't care, it's just that it only takes one parent to drive to a doctor's appointment, and in those cases, it's not me.  That same therapist has always harped on how I need to spend time alone with Jacob, which I get, but that is easier said than done when normally he wants nothing to do with me and Carter is just the opposite.  I'd really love her to instead encourage Jacob to accept his brother (which he does not--he still seems to think Carter will go away at some point) so we can all spend time together.  Maybe someday.

I apologized to Jacob tonight as I was cuddling him in bed that the last year has been such a crazy one.  I don't know if it meant anything to him, but hopefully he'll come to understand that we still love him so much, no matter how much our time may be divided these days.  He appreciated his Valentine's Day gifts, a stuffed penguin he loved when we were in Pittsburgh last summer (though because he was misbehaving, we bought him secretly and held him for this long), a DVD of some of his favorite Scooby-Doo episodes (Harlem Globetrotters and Batman), and one of his favorite candies, gold coins.  He had a good night, and it's things like that that we want to build on.  It never lasts, but we'll savor it while we can and hope that kid is in there somewhere, waiting to come back out.

A Reason to Celebrate

This week I'm trying to stay focused on planning Carter's party.  It's going to be a generally low-key affair, and it's not even at my house, but it's a party nonetheless and it takes some organizing.  Winter birthdays are just different.  I have plenty of memories of my own birthday parties, outside in the late summer weather, and these days I'm used to Jacob's birthday parties--outside by the pool in the early days of summer.  Winter parties are a little more subdued--food, drinks, cake, presents...done.  It's less of an event and more a get-together.  It's fine, mind you, just different.

I remember having an inner conflict when Jacob's first birthday came up.  On one hand he's a baby and doesn't care about any of it.  On the other hand, your baby only turns one once and looking back you don't want it to look like you didn't care either.  For Jacob's party I think I got a mylar banner and some balloons, along with a special bib and cake plate.  Lori bought him a special outfit (which he could barely wear comfortably because it was freezing and rainy on June 20th), and I made his cake at home because we had some family allergy issues to manage at the time.  The cake was pretty much a disaster because the humidity wreaked havoc on the frosting and my inexperience was pretty problematic, but we survived.  Jacob got cranky during presents and wanted nothing to do with the cake, at least not until his nap was over and the happy baby returned in time to eat all of my cake.

It was pretty low-key, and looking back on it (and seeing some other people's well-planned parties in the years since), I feel like maybe I should have made more of an effort.  But here we are again and things are looking pretty minimalist.  I'd say about 95% of my effort is going toward the cake.  As usual.  I figure if I don't have the patience, time, or desire to spend money on anything else, at least I can try to make an awesome cake.  It's turned out well for Jacob's last two birthdays (his second birthday wasn't bad but the third was a disaster), so fingers crossed it goes well for Carter's first.  Still, I did go out to the party store to browse first birthday items, and I left empty-handed aside from a great deal I got on plates and napkins.  They didn't have any cake plates like they had last time, the banners were a bit blah, and everything was overpriced.  I was so tempted to get a really cute birthday hat, but I know it would stay on for two seconds and be thrown on the floor, so I held off.  Maybe I'll grab a special balloon or something, but aside from a craft project I pondered and have pushed aside, the decor and theming are going to be pretty non-existent.

We're having it at my parents' for a lot of reasons.  I was hesitant when they originally offered, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  Craig is in Toronto for work on Saturday, so I'd be stuck trying to do party planning alone with two kids.  It's also a shorter trip back for him after the game.  Most of the people attending the party live in Buffalo, so in the event of crappy weather, it was convenient to be closer.  Jacob doesn't have lacrosse this weekend, and we haven't had a lot of chances to go to Buffalo since he started playing in November, so I had originally thought the upcoming long weekend would be a good option for going...until I remembered that it was Carter's birthday weekend.  But, having the party there solved that issue, as well!

As I said earlier, I know that Carter's a baby and he doesn't really care what we do.  It's just a party, and it's just our normal, laid-back family, so there's no need to go over-the-top crazy.  But at the same time, I do want it to be special.  I feel like I've seen way too much in the past year to take any birthday for granted.  I have two friends who currently question if their children will actually see their next birthday.  For one the answer is probably yes (though how many birthdays he may see is still a major worry), and for the other it is a total unknown.  If nothing else, watching both of their cancer journeys has been a reminder of how important it is to celebrate the little things in the everyday, and to celebrate even more when we have an extra good reason.  Just because my child isn't sick doesn't mean that we shouldn't do what we can (within reason) to make his day extra special, even if he can't quite appreciate it yet.  If anything we have more to celebrate, right?  I don't want to take it easy simply because he'll have more birthdays that he will care about more.  There are just no guarantees, and my friends' kids are living proof of that.  I pray that both my kids live long, full lives, and while it shouldn't take a birthday to give them the best life possible, that shouldn't mean that we can't embrace it when the opportunity arises.

I'm excited and nervous that his birthday is almost here, but mostly I'm just in disbelief.  How can my baby already be on the verge of ONE?  It doesn't seem possible.  More on that in the days to come...

News & Notes...Again...

Just a few random things from the weekend...

We had a pretty good weekend as a whole.  Jacob had his moments, as usual, and Carter is turning into a royal handful, but we still managed to have one of those weekends that mixed productivity, fun, and relaxing.  It was maybe a little short on relaxing, but the other two helped that not be too much of a loss. 

Saturday morning was pretty low key.  I switched out most of the rest of my winter decorations for a couple more Valentine-inspired pieces, and brought up a new toy for Carter from Jacob's old stash in the basement.  I thought it might be a good time to bring up the ball popper.  It plays music and pops balls out of it, some of which fall back into the top and most of which careen all over the room.  It used to make Jacob crack up.  Carter enjoyed it, but strangely Jacob seemed to enjoy its return even more.  The one cute thing is that he spent a while trying to show Carter how to use it to play baseball.  He'd hit the balls that hovered as the air didn't have quite enough oomph to "pop" them.  Other than the fact he was often close to hitting him with his batted balls, it was cute to see him acknowledging Carter in a positive way.  I did take video but I need to get it uploaded. 

Carter took a great nap to give Jacob and me a little time to hang out.  We didn't do anything specific, but it was a pleasant time nonetheless.  We just chatted and hung out interrupted, which was nice.  Craig was already off to work, and we had to keep an eye on the clock for his lacrosse game at 3pm.  Carter slept for so long that in the end it was a bit of a rush, but we got there.  His game was fine (yet another win--they still haven't lost) and he almost got to touch the ball this time (a few kids dominate--he'll get his chance next year, if nothing else).  Lori came to watch the game, and met up with us back home shortly after to head to the Knighthawks game with us. 

We rushed through dinner and headed out a little early to go see the Jack and the Beanstalk balloon display I mentioned the other day.  All the pictures below are from Friday, but you get the idea...

Jack's mom (I think) yelling at him about the beans.  You can't see all of the details that well, but there's a cuckoo clock on the left and patches made out of dozens of tiny balloons on her apron.

Ground level, looking across the garden at the stalk.  Note that everything you see, including all the ground cover, is balloons!

Looking up at five stories of balloons!

The detail in the garden--I love the tiny balloons making up the corn, and notice the giant bugs attacking the pumpkin on the right.

Four stories up, here is the giant in his castle!  The detail on his eyebrows and hair is crazy!

Jack sneaking around the castle with the golden goose!

Looking down...

 It was pretty awesome and even Jacob was impressed.  The game was pleasant enough, though Carter was a little more antsy than usual.  We visited with a few people to break it up, and headed out right after the final horn blew (Knighthawks win, much to Jacob's dismay, since he's still cheering for the Bandits).  Both kids went to bed pretty easily, thankfully, and I got a little me time in before bed.

This morning was the usual morning rush to get to church on time.  Carter was a bit of a mess at church.  Since he went to bed without his night feeding last night, he woke up hungry and we didn't have his usual bottle during church.  We had to fill an entire hour with toys and Kix, but he was determined to play with the big kids so we had a major struggle.  He was so tired by the end of church but there was too much activity for him to actually sleep.  On the way home we headed to the craft store because we had a bunch of things to look for, and Carter was pretty unhappy for that trip.

Still, we had to persevere because time is ticking down.  We had to look for a couple things for Carter's party, and I wanted to bring Jacob because he's got this 100 Days of School project to do, where we have to make a mobile with 100 objects hanging from it.  It could be 100 pom poms, pieces of cereal, bows, etc.  He still hasn't settled on anything, but I did suggest he take a cue from the other project I was shopping for.  I recently tossed the Valentine's Day wire garland that I used to put on our ficus tree, because the foil shapes on it kept falling off everywhere whenever it was disturbed.  I didn't want Carter choking on any of them, and I was sick of picking them up all over the place...so in the trash it went.  In its place I wanted to do a chain garland.  I opted to use felt.  I fell in love with this stiffer felt with sparkles on it, which I'm regretting a bit as my loops aren't as smooth as I'd like, but it's getting there.  I'm stitching them since I don't think glue would hold.  It's a bit of a project, but I think it will look cool when it's done.  I have one more Valentine project in the works, too--another garland of sorts to put on the TV stand, entrance bench, or mantel. 

I worked on that this afternoon while Carter took a marathon nap (he finally fell asleep on the way home from the store and slept about three hours!) and Jacob took on his Valentines.  We were given very specific instructions on how to do them (numbering with the names), and after a few early hiccups, Jacob did all 25 in one sitting without any drama.  It was awesome!  I was so proud of him.  After he was done, he started in on a little crafty project using some of the felt we picked up at the store, including a felt pennant.  I felt like the 33 cents or whatever was totally worth seeing what he'd do with it.  He was cute and his imagination amazed me as usual. 

We went out to dinner tonight to our new Red Robin.  He did very well there, as well, and Carter ate a ton--all of the chicken, veggies, and cheese I packed for him, along with some leftover Kix and a few of my fries.  I can't really remember Jacob's eating habits at this age, but I'm pretty sure Carter is kicking his butt right now :)  Those extra four teeth probably help, though! 

As part of our outing we stopped at yet another craft store--I only ended up buying a frame for Jacob's awesome fish painting--and Target, to look for a few things, like a birthday outfit for Carter (no luck) and a stapler (partly for my one Valentine's project). 

It wasn't a particularly amazing weekend, just pleasant and with some nice bright spots.  It's going to be a busy week getting ready for the party, and I'm eager to get my desk back together tomorrow at work.  A lot to think about this week, but most of it is all for a great cause.  I can't believe my baby is going to be ONE!   

News & Notes, Freaky Friday Edition

It was a weird day.  Not in a bad way, just in an out-of-the-ordinary day.  First, today was my last day at the desk I've sat at for about 7-1/2 years.  Yesterday was my eight-year anniversary at my job, which is crazy to me.  That is a long time considering I had no idea if I would even like this job when I took it.  I pretty much had no choice at the time since my boss completely alienated me the day after I interviewed for this job.  So while I was on my way out, a confrontation with him cemented it and I swore that if I got offered the job, I'd take it.  And I did.  It all worked out pretty well, I think.  Anyway, about eight months after I got there our office moved across the street, and I was thrilled to see my new view overlooking the river.  Well, today was my last day with that view.  I had to have my desk packed up by noon in preparation for a move across the office.  I won't have a window view any longer, but I can look around the corner out my boss' window.  The new view is north toward the lake.  Not as pretty as there's some city ickiness, but it has its charms. 

Anyway, once my desk was packed up, I headed out for my normal Friday lunch, but we went to a different spot--across the street to the Sibley Building, which used to be a giant downtown department store and is now home to a city campus for the community college, among other things.  They're sprucing it up right now in preparation for adding residential space, and this week it's been host to a giant balloon sculpture--a five-story-high depiction of Jack and the Beanstalk.  It uses something like 50,000 balloons, and it sure was impressive. 

After lunch I headed home, since I didn't have an office to hang out in.  I stopped at BJ's on the way home to renew my office's membership that I manage, then worked for a couple hours at home in the quiet while watching my DVR'ed Biggest Loser finale.  The winner definitely looks too thin, for the record.  I like that show, even if it's not perfect, but I think she took it a little too far.  Anyway...

I went to pick up Carter (Craig grabbed Jacob on his way home) and stopped at the party store to look for first birthday stuff.  I can't believe his birthday (and the party) is a mere week away!  Anyway, I didn't have much luck with the stuff I was looking for, like a special cake plate (got one cheap for Jacob there) or a couple things for the cake itself, but I did stumble upon some paper goods on clearance, meaning I spent a grand total of $7.56 for enough 1st birthday plates and napkins to get us through the party.  Pretty awesome.

I made some pizza for dinner (finally found a gluten-free crust we can all agree on--yes!  And it's pre-made and cheap--double yes!!), hung out for a bit as a family, and then Craig headed out to Knighthawks practice.  Jacob and I watched the Olympic opening ceremonies (holy questions, Batman!) while I fed Carter, and then Jacob went down without incident, too. 

Jacob got his report card today, which is always an adventure.  I remarked on Facebook that I never saw myself dreading report card day, but I do now.  I don't really understand half of the codes they use in it, though, but I can read the comments just fine, which tell the full story.  It's not a pretty one.  Pretty much all of them revolve around Jacob's trouble following directions, being distracted, and not being able to complete his work.  It's not fun stuff to read, and it makes all of this evaluation business that much more real.  There's no doubt that he's going to have special needs in school, since many of the comments indicate he can't stay focused without one-to-one help.  I'm not sure what form that will take just yet, but it's definitely a sobering read.  The good news, though, is that he is slowly but surely learning to read!  It's a process, but I can see that he's learning and it's exciting watching him pick this stuff up.  And as I mentioned the other day, his artwork has been impressive as well.  It's so great to see little glimmers of awesomeness in the midst of the troubling stuff. 

Carter is doing better these days.  His antibiotics are done and he seems back to normal.  He's still not finishing his bottles most of the time, but I sort of wonder if he's starting to get close to weaning off of them.  Breastfeeding was so different, so this process is new.  I'm sort of waiting for his well visit to get advice for transitioning to milk (I don't want to overwhelm his system with dairy in case his tolerance isn't quite there yet), and making sure he's getting the calories he needs.  He's such a skinny little dude, even though he looks so long.  I don't want to start taking away his opportunities to eat just because he seems less interested in bottles, but I'm not sure he can make up for it with solid foods because we're still taking things slow.  He eats lots of meat (chicken (nuggets and grilled strips), ham, even a meatball!), mini bagels (which I'm dipping in the baby food we have left, since he's mostly rejecting the purees now), yogurt melts, cheese, Kix and Cheerios, and some fruits and cooked veggies.  We tried pasta but he's not too impressed with that yet.  I'm sort of using him as my gluten finisher, since we have a few things left and he can't eat most of what we eat because of the rice flour in almost every gluten-free item.  He and I will be sharing bread for the next couple weeks, too, I think, since my office microwave is out of commission during our renovation, and there's no sense using all of the gluten-free bread for my lunches. 

The crazy thing about Carter is that he's getting so close to standing!  I'd have to look back to see when Jacob started, but I don't see any signs of it in the posts from around a year.  Jacob was saying "uh-oh" around a year, though, and while Carter has been making sounds for a long time now, we still haven't had any real words.  I keep hoping for "mama", because he can say it, but it still hasn't been directed at me.  But the standing thing blows my mind a bit.  Jacob didn't walk for real until 16 months, and getting him to stand usually took a lot of distraction.  Carter has only done it for a couple seconds at a time (also usually when distracted), but he's doing it!  He gets a kick out of flopping back to me, but I think he'll get there sooner than we expected.  We'll see if walking follows suit.  In the meantime, he's showing us his stubborn side, constantly going after Jacob's stuff and giving us an ear-piercing scream whenever we're not paying enough attention to him or when he's unhappy with whatever we're doing.  Jacob did the scream thing as well, and it is painful (literally).  It's also embarrassing when it happens in public.  People at Wegmans were probably wondering what I was doing to him the other day.  Shushes don't work yet and it's so hard to teach babies.  I just want to get him to start talking so he can communicate in another way! 

Anyway, this week is going to be all about settling into my new workspace and prepping for the party.  I have a couple crafty projects I want to do (party and Valentine's-related), and I need to get Jacob to buckle down and work on his valentines for school.  Ugh.  I have no idea how we're going to celebrate Valentine's Day at home aside from one gift we've set aside for Jacob.  Craig might be headed off to Toronto by then, and perhaps we'll be heading to Buffalo.  Thank you, Valentine's Day, for conveniently making Carter's birthday haul a little more tolerable for his big brother.  Is it weird that I'm hesitant to leave Friday because I want Carter's official 12-month photo to take place on his birthday on his chair at our house?  Who am I kidding, I probably won't be ready Friday anyway!  Should be an interesting week, that's for sure!

How Soon We Forget...

Yesterday I took a few minutes to scroll through the blog posts from the last couple weeks of my pregnancy.  It blows my mind that it was a year ago already.  One year ago today I took a day off of work to be home as Carter's room got painted a lovely little boy blue.  I folded baby clothes and rested on the couch, trying to relieve the crazy discomfort I was experiencing.  I put up the pack and play, and it seemed so early at the time...but it turns out I was only a little more than 10 days away from having a baby to put in it! 

It was really apparent to me how debilitating it was to be as uncomfortable as I was.  It was scary to even walk from my office to my car, or to go to Wegmans.  I was seriously worried about my water breaking.  Turns out, I guess, that all that worrying wasn't for naught, as I did end up having that very thing happen while sitting at my desk, three weeks ahead of schedule.  I spent a good month walking on eggshells prior, and I guess I could just tell that things were brewing up a little quicker than we'd have anticipated.

The flurry of preparations those last couple weeks were crazy, but I had forgotten about a few of the biggest concerns of those final weeks until I read the posts.  I had forgotten that a) Jacob had a stomach bug; b) Craig was out of town twice the weekend before I delivered; c) we had a major snowstorm; and d) those things all happened pretty much simultaneously.  Jacob got a stomach bug the night before Craig was on his way out of town.  That same day we got a foot of snow.  I was nervous enough about Craig being gone, let alone catching Jacob's illness and how we were going to get out of the house when I couldn't shovel snow!  The thought of going into labor in the midst of that scared me to death.  It's a wonder I didn't go into labor from the stress of it alone!

In the end it all worked out.  Jacob recovered quickly.  Craig's trip to Philly was a little harrowing but he got back at 3am.  He left later that day for Buffalo, but I figured having him that close was much safer than Philly.  The snow was bad but with Jacob sick we really didn't have to go anywhere, and the neighbor helped out a bit with clearing it.  I remember being so relieved when we made it through that weekend, but the following week was very had for me physically, culminating in a Valentine's Day where I was so uncomfortable that I could barely sit through Jacob's soccer practice and our oh-so-romantic family dinner at Friendly's.  I felt better the next morning and got a ton of work done...until I felt a little something funny, took a couple trips to the ladies' room, and realized things were happening.

One of the other things that stood out to me from those last couple weeks of posts was our ongoing concern of how Jacob would adjust.  Turns out those concerns were valid...and then some.  Here we are a year later, and he still doesn't accept that Carter is here to stay.  He doesn't like him, doesn't want to be touched by him, and is generally just angry with him.  Sometimes I wonder what we could have done better to transition him, but I have no idea how we could have truly made it any easier for him.  He had us to himself for over four years, so there's no way this new little person wouldn't have rocked the boat a lot.  Add in the fact that Jacob's not your typical "wanting to be helpful" kid most of the time, and there's not a lot of options for us to involve him that he'd be up for.  It's a challenge, for sure.  It kills me that the one thing that saved me from utter despair when I found out Carter was a boy was that Jacob would have a brother...and now he doesn't appreciate it one bit.  Maybe someday, but we've been saying that for months and it hasn't gotten any better.  In fact, it's gotten worse--he went from ignoring him to actively hating him.

This year has flown by faster than any year in my life.  It has also been the worst year of my life with the exception of the ridiculously happy baby that brings dozens of smiles to my day.  We've just had one challenge after another, Carter included.  In his short life we've had to deal with his milk protein intolerance (and having to stop breastfeeding) and the rice intolerance, along with his reflux and chronic congestion.  But he's so happy that it's hard to be anything but happy when you're around him.  Now if we could just do something about his ridiculously painful shrieking that he's picked up in the last couple weeks...

I know I've already talked about it a lot, but I tend to get nostalgic when big anniversaries come up and I can pinpoint exactly where I was one year earlier.  This time of year (and especially with a storm coming overnight tonight) I'm definitely taken back to a dizzying last couple of weeks as a family of three.  I knew one day I'd look back at that time and marvel at its simplicity, even though at the time it seemed crazy.  Sure enough, one kid seems so simple now.  I wouldn't change a thing about Carter, of course, but yeah, life is a lot more complicated these days.  More than we ever imagined.  So pardon me for getting a little nostalgic for a simpler time.  These two weeks one year ago were the last moments of our old normal, which it turns out never really made a comeback.  So, yeah, they were more special than we ever could have imagined.

The A Word

Most people, from the moment they find out they're pregnant, hope and pray for the perfect baby.  I think in a lot of cases we don't even know what that really means.  Healthy, yes, but beyond normal functionality I don't think most of us get too specific.  Most people probably don't spend significant amounts of time praying their baby avoids their environmental allergies, for example, but I'm sure at least once I specifically asked that my kids be spared of major food allergies, cancer, or anything else that would shorten their lives or significantly reduce their happiness.  I mostly just prayed that they would grow into happy, functional adults and live a long, healthy life.

You worry nonetheless but hope that God knows what he's doing.  But what happens when some of your worst nightmares start coming true?  What do you do when the bullets you thought you dodged boomerang back around?  That's sort of the spot we're finding ourselves in right now, at least to some degree.

I think my biggest fears with both kids were probably 1) Anything that could lead to their death (cancer, SIDS); 2) Anything that would be life-alteringly awful (deformities, major food allergies); 3) Autism or any other severe mental issue.  As Jacob got older, I thought we had gotten past those problems, at least as much as you can.  Cancer or accidents are always wildcards, obviously, but aside from a few behavior issues, his respiratory issues, and his milk protein intolerance early on, he was by all accounts a normal kid.  We had a healthy and happy kid.  And then the last six months happened.

Well, maybe the last year.  I don't want to pin Jacob's behavior issues on Carter's arrival because there were certainly issues before that.  They seemed to intensify a bit before Carter was born, and again about six months after, and while I'm sure that's a contributing factor (I'm probably more confident of that now that I was earlier), I'm sure there were various foundations set before Carter even existed.  In the last six months, his behavior problems have become a major disruption to daily life.  He's also been diagnosed with Celiac disease, which has sent our typical household menu into a tizzy.  It's all been very jarring to our simple, normal existence.  I never imagined we'd be facing down such an array of evaluations or having to put so much effort into having a "normal" daily life.

Today I got a call from the psychologist at Jacob's school.  She had started evaluating him prior to the holidays, and we hadn't really heard anything.  She wanted to make an appointment to discuss the results.  She gave me a bit of a preview, starting out with a rundown of his test scores from all of the different evaluations she did.  As a whole, he scored very high.  In most cases he was on the high end of average, or in a couple cases, as high as the 99th percentile.  He's obviously very intelligent, particularly in the non-verbal, visual realm.  The one area where he struggled was with writing his alphabet.  The test was to see how many letters he could write in 30 seconds.  He only got...two.  He was distracted and needed a lot of prompting, and it took over five minutes for him to do all of them.  That is nothing new, and that revelation transitioned into the more difficult part of the call, which was his behavior issues.  Based on what she was seeing in the evaluation we filled out, and what she's seeing on her end, she wants to do a little further evaluation, this one focused on Asperger's.  Obviously if he's on the spectrum he'd be considered high-functioning, but actually hearing someone finally use that term in an official "suspicion" sort of way (meaning, the red flags may be pointing in that direction) was hard, even though we've known for a while that it could be possible.

Heck, if you look back in the blog, I remarked a couple times how his stubbornness made me wonder what was up with him, even comparing his behavior to the character Max in the TV show "Parenthood".  Max has Asperger's, and while I know it's just a TV show, there were some eerie similarities.  But the thing that always made me think that wasn't the case was that Jacob was always more social than you'd think a typical kid on the spectrum would be.  He made eye contact, he was chatty, he was relatively normal, all the way up through the ages and stages where Asperger's is supposed to become apparent.  Even now, with all we've been through, he CAN be normal.  It doesn't happen a ton, but he can be totally normal and friendly for significant periods of time, and I just don't know if Asperger's kids can just "turn it off" at times.  It's just odd.

On a side note, a couple weeks ago I noticed that a friend of mine (who has her own son with some behavioral challenges) commented on Facebook on a photo posted by an autism support page.  The picture showed a city bus with an ad (possibly for a medical facility) talking about the ultimate goal of eradicating cancer, diabetes, and autism.  People (parents of kids on the spectrum, to be exact) were very upset by this ad, saying that their kids don't need to be "fixed" or whatever.  Maybe I'm just an outsider still, or a bad parent, but I just don't agree.  Yes, kids are all great and unique.  Autistic kids can have amazing strengths and skills, and I get how parents wouldn't want to change their kids, per se.  But, honestly, if I could better my child's quality of life, or prevent other kids from having difficulties like this, why wouldn't we strive for that?  I understand that things like cancer and diabetes are far more physically damaging, for sure, but am I nuts that I'd prefer my kid to be able to interact normally within society?  My boss and I were talking about it and she concluded it's like the people that are against cochlear implants.  They claim it's damaging to deaf culture and there's nothing "wrong" with being deaf.  But silly me, can't hearing be helpful in integrating into normal society and advancing one's career or improving interactions with loved ones?  I love Jacob, but--wrong or not--when I see him, I see so much potential that is being stifled by his inability to shut off the stuff in his brain that's dragging him down.  I am blown away by his vocabulary, math skills, and artistic abilities, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't trade even a tiny piece of all of that to have a kid that was able to enjoy his life without obsessing over wearing a certain color shirt or thinking that his little brother somehow spit on him from four feet away, rendering his food contaminated.  There's just not a lot of quality of life there, for any of us, and I can't for the life of me understand why people would have any issue with "curing" autism if it meant that their child would have a better life.  It's one thing to love and support your child unconditionally...but it's another to act like their world (and yours) wouldn't be better if they were able to fit in with their peers and communicate better with the world around them.  I just don't get it.  Maybe someday I will. 

So, anyway...we have more paperwork to fill out and we'll get the full story on the rest of it next Monday.  We still need to get in with the specialist, which will hopefully give us more answers.  Our main hope at this point (regardless of diagnosis) is to get some coping techniques to help us manage the hitting and the hardcore defiance--like when he needs to go to school but refuses to wear anything in his closet.  It kills me that this is our reality right now, but we're doing everything we can to get answers and help Jacob through this.  I pray that we find a solution that works for him, and for us.  I know there's an amazing kid in there, and while the flashes are great, I wish so badly that his bright shining light could come through all the time.