Weighed Down

Every day this journey with Jacob seems to get harder and more complex.  We had such a great night the other night, where things that would have normally triggered Jacob's tantrums just...didn't.  He went with the flow and it was amazing.  It was exactly what life should be like.  But since then it's been a constant stream of defiance, ignoring, and flailing limbs.  I got my first glimpse into how hard homework is going to be when we did a very simple assignment the other night.  We only had to write down why Jacob has the name he has and discuss it.  Well, first I let him write his name on the paper and he was all over the place with it, wanting to make the cent sign (I think they did money at school last week) instead of letters.  Then, when we tried to talk about what I had written, he wouldn't sit, he was giving me an all-around hard time, and it just stunk.  He doesn't want to do homework, and I can't really bear to tell him it's only going to get harder from here. 

I guess you could say that the reality of his future with whatever is torturing him is looking really grim right now.  I think we've pretty much made up our minds that he's got ADHD with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), and I haven't ruled out that he may have a touch of bipolar going on, based on how some of his tantrums have gone.  I know that sounds completely insane and like I'm a parent who has been spending too much time on the internet, but I just can't emphasize enough how different this all is from the kid we had just a few months ago.  A lot of people want to blame it on Carter's arrival, but the worst of it only started a month or so ago.  Yes, there was defiance prior to that.  He's always been a bit difficult, but that was easy enough to chalk up to him being a boy of a certain age.  After all, a lot of it was just being active, even at times he shouldn't be.  He was definitely a stubborn kid, maybe more than most.  And I would definitely say that the defiance ramped up a bit near the end of my pregnancy.  But what we're dealing with now just seems light years away from that.  This is serious stuff.  I can just see that there's something there he can't control.  It's hard to remember that in the moment, but his absolute disregard for anything--punishments, our feelings, logic--just tells me that something is up. 

In less than four days we hop on a plane to Florida.  It's a direct flight, about 2-1/2 hours, I think.  I am terrified.  What if he has an episode on the plane?  Less than a year ago, in late September, we went to Atlanta.  It was Jacob's first plane ride, and I was nervous, but I know I didn't have the trepidation I have right now.  He did great that time, but his behavior is so much worse now.  In addition, he'll be in close proximity to Carter for that whole time, which could create issues of its own.  Plus, we'll be on vacation for a week, which means a week of weird schedules, odd sleeping arrangements, and lots of togetherness, which has not been our strong suit lately.  I'm naively hoping that he'll be having so much fun that he won't need to be difficult, but a) I know how vacations usually go with him; b) if we're right and he can't help himself, it won't matter where he is; and c) we're all going to come back extra exhausted no matter what and be facing a readjustment to school.  I can also naively hope that the time away will give him some perspective and he'll realize it's not so bad, but getting out of the groove is going to be weird for him, I have no doubt.  I'm hoping we can do something fun when he gets back where he can tell his classmates about the trip and they'll think he's super cool, but I'm not sure how that might happen.  Right now I'm simply hoping he lets himself have fun, because right now he's not even really excited to go...or at least he's not letting us know he is. 

I did some research yesterday on ADHD meds, and it was a little scary.  Sure, there are the people that find one that works for them, but most of the stuff I read was people talking about their kids being zombies, or not wanting to eat, or not sleeping.  Some find a good drug but it wears off by the end of the school day, and others can't get their drug of choice covered by insurance.  Some drugs make symptoms worse, particularly when they wear off.  While it's possible that medication could be a huge help, it's a scary road to go down.  It's hard enough dealing with a kid who is so different than the kid we thought we were raising, but it's even worse dealing with a kid who's two times removed from that. 

This whole thing is just weighing me down.  I feel like the extra spring in my step is gone.  My focus is lacking and my eager anticipation of the future has turned to worry.  Not just for Jacob, but for Carter's issues as well.  We're doing good on day three of chicken, which makes me hopeful.  We got the go ahead to call an allergist, so that's on my list.  It would be nice to get an idea of what we should avoid, at least, but I'm not sure if that's going to be possible.  Still, avoiding rice products alone is going to be a challenge, but hopefully we'll be one of the lucky ones and his intolerance will wear off sooner.  But knowing it might be a challenge for him to eat his first birthday cake or enjoy a highchair tray-full of Cheerios is a bit of a bummer. 

My mood is slightly brighter today, since Craig took Jacob to Buffalo overnight and I was able to relax and get a few things done around the house.  He got some blood work done this morning to check on a few things that might have caused his personality to shift so suddenly, and while he hasn't been perfect today, he's been tolerable.  We're taking him out tonight while Lori watches Carter, so hopefully he'll get the time he needs.  Incidentally, among all of this I'm definitely thanking my lucky stars that Carter is as good of a baby as he is.  God forbid he would have been colicky or something, because Jacob might have lost his mind completely if we had a higher maintenance baby than we have. 

The trip to Florida definitely looms large and I have a lot of work to do in the next couple days.  Hopefully I'll be able to get in another post prior to the trip and post a couple times during, but I have a feeling we'll have a lot of straight-to-bed nights while we're there!  I'm already praying the trip goes OK...

Emotion Overload

I don't think I can adequately convey how difficult these last few weeks have been for us.  Me, in particular.  I mean, Craig may be having a hard time dealing, but if he is, it isn't showing nearly as clearly as it is for me.  I have been a walking raw nerve for at least the past couple weeks, tearing up out of nowhere whenever I think or talk about all of the issues we're facing.  It's made it incredibly hard to function.  I proclaimed on Facebook last week that I either needed to stop listening to K-Love (Christian station) on my way into work, or I needed to start bringing makeup with me to work.  At least twice last week songs came on the radio on my way into work, and the words related to all that we're dealing with right now.  Before I knew it, tears were streaming.  Then, of course, reality set in and I was scrambling to try to make myself not look all puffy-eyed and red-nosed by the time I had to get out of the car. 

My focus on everything--work, home, whatever--has been crap.  If I'm not thinking of another thing to Google, I'm just generally preoccupied enough that it makes it hard to remember details and to do lists.  The start of Kindergarten hasn't helped, since I have a whole new to do list each morning and night now, from looking through his take home folder and dealing with those papers, to packing his lunch.  He got his first fundraiser stuff the other day and I can't even wrap my brain around doing anything with it.  I just feel overwhelmed by the simplest things, and it's driving me nuts.  Laundry sits unfolded for days.  Dishes lay unwashed.  Baths get pushed off one more night.  Grocery shopping with both kids in tow scares me to death. 

Part of the problem is that everything with Jacob takes twice as much time and energy as it used to.  You pretty much have to build in time for his constant nos, endless distractions, and having the patience to outlast it all without losing your temper.  Something as simple as bedtime is exhausting, particularly when you add Carter into the mix.  He's a very good baby, but I'd definitely say his patience is waning a bit these days.  So dealing with Jacob's defiance, while trying to manage Carter, and keeping in mind that Carter's mere presence is often an issue for Jacob, is nearly impossible. 

We went to Jacob's therapist again this week, this time with just Craig and me, to discuss our side of things.  I'm getting a little frustrated because, while I know she can't make any sweeping declarations yet, I don't feel like she's understanding the severity of the problem.  When she sees him, he's normal with perhaps a couple of issues.  When he's alone with us, he's a different kid who loses his temper on a dime and comes up swinging.  I swear the only way she'll get what's going on is to watch natural interactions with us (without him knowing she's watching).  Heck, the other day he had such a meltdown at the grocery store that I was actually afraid he was delusional or something.  I knew that going shopping after an already long day for him might be a challenge, but I found out later he barely ate his lunch so I have a feeling low blood sugar played into it.  But he had absolutely lost his mind over the tiniest thing, and we had to leave the store without even going in because he wouldn't calm down.  It was embarrassing and scary.  After the fact I wished that I could have taped it (but boy, wouldn't I have looked like a bad mom!) because it was such a bizarre happening that I'd love to get an expert opinion. 

Carter, by the way, is doing okay so far, knock on wood.  We tried sweet potatoes this week and after three helpings, no FPIES episodes yet.  I guess we'll probably get one more food in before we leave for Florida (angsty post on that to come, I suppose), but I may just take a couple things down with us for solids because he's still not loving them.  But he likes sweet potatoes best so far.  Maybe meat tomorrow?  I'm encouraged, but still very nervous.

Anyway, getting back to the point of this post...Dealing with the emotions associated with all of this has been exhausting.  Sometimes it's all I can think about, and it just tires me out.  I worry so much about Jacob and his future, particularly if he's truly got something wrong with him.  I'm intimidated by the challenges of each day.  I'm overtired...and often just plaid sad. 

Over the weekend my cousin got married.  Craig and I had a much needed day to ourselves, starting around 1pm when we dropped off the boys at Craig's brother's house.  We got to enjoy the ceremony and reception without the kids, and it was a nice break.  We visited Craig's dad at the hospital (his triple bypass surgery yesterday went fine) in between, and were able to enjoy lots of food and some beverages.  We danced, hung out with my family, and generally had a nice time.  It felt good to have a few carefree hours.  But more than that, her wedding brought up some interesting emotions I didn't expect.  Ten years after my own, I guess I look at weddings a little differently than I used to.  First, as much as I know that the most significant part of the day is that a marriage is formed, I sort of see the day for what it is--a big party where the couple can have one of the best days of their life.  It's definitely the beginning of something, and it's full of so much hope and joy.  It's one day to live a fantasy.  And for that reason alone, I'm so happy for the couple when I go to a wedding.  It's such an amazing experience, and I remember that vividly from my own experience. 

But what really struck me this time around was the vows.  When you get married and you say your vows, you never really think about the "for better or for worse" part of them too deeply.  But here we are in the "for worse" part.  It's such a contrast to that happy wedding day full of hope, and it's hard.  This experience is definitely trying, but with the exception of a few moments here and there, I think we're doing what we can to make sure that this marriage stays strong amidst the frustrations.  It's especially hard when our opinions on how to manage Jacob differ, or when it feels like our responsibilities aren't shared enough, or whatever.  The exhaustion can wear on you, for sure, and makes everything harder.  But seeing the newlyweds' joy reminded me how much I want to recapture that feeling, and was a good reminder that marriage and happiness are always things to fight for.  It all definitely makes me appreciate our journey that much more.

I know this is sort of a random, rambling post, but I guess that's just more insight into the current state of my brain.  From sadness and frustration to joy and nostalgia, it's been such a crazy couple weeks.  I'm hoping things chill out a bit soon, though the stress of packing for Florida this weekend may put me over the edge temporarily.  But hopefully a week in Florida will be a nice change of scenery for all of us.  Maybe Jacob will remember how much we love him and decide to work harder on listening.  Now if only I didn't suspect so much of it was out of his control, I'd be even more hopeful.  But I can dream.  And isn't that what Disney's all about?  Let's hope the happiest place on earth brings out more of that one emotion.  We could use some happy around here.

The West Coast Crew

Last Saturday, while we were in Pittsburgh, my brother's family came in from Portland for a week.  They came in primarily for my cousin's wedding, which took place yesterday, and left this morning.  In between John, Kristin, Kate, and Max had some quality time with the family.  In addition to time with their grandparents, Kate and Max got to spend time with their second cousins (I think--our cousin's kids, whatever that is).  They had a lot of fun--playing on playgrounds, checking out the carousel museum, and even riding the infamous Ollie.  Ollie was John's when he was little.  It looks a little like a yellow banana with a face, on wheels.  Most kids did face plants when they tried to ride him, but John was the master.  Turns out the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as Max did amazingly well, too. 

Because of the way the Pittsburgh trip got scheduled (which wasn't really within our control), we missed out on hanging out with them last weekend.  We got to spend Monday with them as my parents had a picnic for the whole family, and then on Tuesday they came to Rochester to spend time with us after Jacob met his teacher.  Monday's picnic started a little rocky, since Jacob decided to pull his usual stubbornness.  It took a while to get him to be cooperative, but once he did, he had a great time playing outside with everyone.  I enjoyed seeing Kate and max for the first time since last summer.  Max still isn't talking a lot, but it is adorable to watch him communicate with signs and adorable faces. 

Kate is beautiful and perfectly girly--sweet, but with a little spunk!

Near the end of the picnic, Jacob had a blast playing with our cousin's kids, as well.  Here he is getting pitched to by our cousin's wife...

Yes, he was bunting...

Everyone got a chance to share Jacob's souvenir from Pittsburgh, a batting helmet...

And I was just enjoying watching them :)  I really liked seeing Max, too, as a preview of Carter in the next year or so, wandering around and exploring his independence...

And we got a family picture, which has been a challenge in the times we've all been together...

Before we headed back home, I had to get out Jacob's homework for school.  He had to color a caterpillar that we'd tape his face to, and it had been hard to get him to sit down and do it all week after all that we'd been dealing with.  We had to take it with us the next morning, so we had to get it done.  He did a nice job on it, and everyone else got in on the action...

After such a long, busy weekend, it was a relief to get home that night.  But there was no rest for the weary, as we had to get up the next morning to get to the school by around 9am.  As I mentioned, his visit went pretty well.  We had a couple off moments, but for the most part he was manageable and it was good to get an idea of where he'll be spending his days. 

After that, we went home and made it there at the exact same time as the minivan with John's family and my parents.  We hung out for a while at the house, once again dealing with a random Jacob tantrum, but eventually made it out the door to grab some lunch at McDonald's.  Jacob refused to eat when we first got there, but then decided that he wanted to try my cheeseburger.  He liked it!  He loved hamburgers at McDonald's when he was little, but got out of the habit and stuck with nuggets for the last few years.  Now he appears to be back on the burger bandwagon.  Because the kids ate their burgers, they got to enjoy some ice cream, and then we headed out to the playground. 

We went to one at our local spray park (which shut down for the season the previous day), just because I knew it was a good one for all ages of kids.  Jacob had another tantrum on the way there because he wanted to have certain clothes for the various sports fields he knew were at the park.  It took a while to get him to chill out, and once he did (again) he had fun.  As did everyone else!

The kids loved the modern version of the tin can phone, where they could talk into one thing, and the sound would travel underground to another one on the other side of the playground!

Max did great!  He loved climbing this part!

Jacob's usual face these days!

Playing on the concrete animals in the spray park section.  The kids loved climbing up to the whale's blowhole!

After plenty of time on the playground (and some playing around for even us adults), we headed across the park's access road to the football field.  I had told Jacob that if he played nicely we could go over and play a bit.  We went over and did a race, and after Jacob ran the length of the field twice, he started playing around in the soccer net that was built into the base of the goal posts. 

After the time at the park we had to go to Jacob's therapist appointment, so the whole crew headed back to N.T.  It was so great hanging out with them for a couple days.  We got to see the kids again briefly at my cousin's wedding yesterday, and spend the evening at the wedding with John and Kristin, as well.  I wish we would have had more time, but I'm thrilled for them to get so much time with my parents without having my kids, who see their grandparents all the time, sharing the spotlight.  But it was great to see them and I hope to someday get up the guts (and money!) to fly ourselves across the country with both kids.  I'd love to take them out there, but it's definitely a daunting trip.  I give them mad props for having done it a couple times already.  We'll get there!

Another busy week awaits...

The Answer We Didn't Want

So, I know that I still haven't posted about the couple days we spent with my brother's family, but I feel like I have to get this out of the way first, since it's occupying the vast majority of my thoughts and energy right now.  And honestly, I think I posted on this blog once upon a time that I didn't want this blog to ever have a "thing".  I didn't want it to have some overarching theme that pertains to some sort of hardship we're enduring.  So many of the blogs out there have something like that--where the blog is mostly focused on a kid's illness or a family overcoming some huge obstacle.  I never wanted this place to turn into that, because I just like my happy, random blog where I keep everyone up to date on our family and vent occasionally when something is bugging me.  But now I may not have a choice.  If Jacob's issues weren't enough, now my sweet, perfect baby boy has some pretty daunting issues of his own.  On Tuesday night, I finally figured out what was causing Carter's random bouts of projectile vomiting last week. 

It happened again on Tuesday night, and I realized then that it was an allergy to rice cereal.  He'd been fine all weekend without it, and a couple hours after having it again, his night bottle came right back up.  Pretty much all of it, as Craig was soaked.  Poor kid...and poor Daddy.  Rice allergies are pretty rare, hence why babies start with rice cereal, but it's not unheard of.  It even has a name--FPIES (Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome).  The body simply rejects the food about two hours after it is ingested.  Carter's vomiting episodes were brief, thankfully--one round of it and he was done.  The first three times he was smiling and happy two seconds after it happened.  The last one he cried a lot, but I don't know if that was from discomfort or if Craig's total freakout (can't say I blame him--it was pretty bad) scared him.  Some kids, however, will vomit for hours on end, eventually getting dehydrated and needing an ER visit.  Some even go into shock.

The more I read about it, the more intimidated I become.  Some kids only have one or two triggers, but some have a lot.  There isn't real testing for it, so in the end it is all trial and error.  Each new food means you're at risk for making your kid projectile vomit.  And as with our experience, sometimes it takes a while for a reaction to occur.  We had a week without incident, and then the problems started.  All of the usual baby foods are known triggers.  Dairy and soy are the most popular, followed by rice and oats.  It's hard to say if dairy is a trigger for Carter, since his formula is still sort of milk based but the proteins are broken down.  Obviously he had a sensitivity to the milk protein in my breastmilk, but from what I'm reading, that is sort of a separate issue as kids don't normally react to trigger foods via breastmilk--only direct ingestion.  He seems to be at a good place with his formula--even the spitting up has subsided a bit, it seems.  But I have no idea if trying real milk down the road will make things worse.  We could try oatmeal instead of rice cereal, but given that it is a common trigger, I'm hesitant.  Many of the first fruits and vegetables also cause issues, but again, we won't know until we try them.  And right now, the thought of that is very daunting.

There are two spots of good news, though.  First, most kids outgrow it by about 3.  So...we have about 2-1/2 tough years ahead but hopefully beyond that he could be a normal kid.  Of course, there's always the possibility that he'll have food allergies, but I don't think this is directly related to that, so I suppose that risk is there either way.  The other good news is that this is not a food allergy as most people know it.  This is not a situation where he could have a serious anaphylactic reaction to a trigger food.  He's not going to get hives or have his airway close.  The danger lies in the severity of the vomiting--dehydration, possible shock, and I suppose the risk of him choking on it, as well.  I read one story where a couple saw their kid vomit over their video monitor and were able to get to him in time when he stopped breathing as a result.  Even still, I'd have to think the overall risk is considerably less than the risk of, say, what could happen with a peanut allergy.   

Still, I'm pretty down right now.  That's an understatement, actually.  Between Jacob's problems, Carter's problems, pending open heart surgery for Craig's dad (which will impact our trip to Disney one way or another), and just trying to manage the needs of my family, my house, and my job, I am feeling intense stress right now.  I realized the other day that we have five doctor's appointments between now and when we're supposed to leave for Disney in less than two weeks.  That is crazy.  Carter has a well visit and an appointment with the pulmonary specialist as a follow-up to his upper GI/chronic cough/reflux issue (which seems laughable at this point).  Jacob has another appointment with the therapist, and we have a separate one to talk to her alone.  I also have my OB/GYN appointment--just a routine six-month follow-up.  That is a lot.  I still haven't figured out how to make up all of the time at work. 

I've pretty much been on the verge of tears for the last two weeks straight, and my focus is crap.  I'm having a lot of trouble finding joy in my days, since everything with Jacob is a struggle, and now when I look at my usual bright light, Carter, I mostly see a little boy who's got a long road ahead of him.  He'll smile, and while I can't help but smile back, all I can think about is how sad it is that he's going go through so much in the next couple years.  Both kids' issues are so long term, and it's disheartening to know that we're not going to have much semblance of normal for a long time, both for them and for my experience as a parent.  I'm jealous of people who get to have "normal" kids...ones that don't need specialists and don't have any significant issues encroaching on their happy little life.  I love them both so much, but for everyone's sake I just wish we had a little more fun around us these days.  That sort of lighthearted joy has been missing for a while, though I don't think I really realized it until the past couple days when I've been really down.  The simplest of things is just hard right now.  We have two kids with a boatload of issues, and it just seems unfair all around.  I know life isn't fair, and I knew parenthood wouldn't be easy, but I never thought it would be like this.  I just never wanted the everyday joys in life to be shrouded by a dark cloud that it's hard to see past.  Life is too short for that, but right now I'm just not sure how to get past it.  It's been about three weeks where I just feel like I'm living in an alternate reality, but no...this is it.  This is our new reality.  And it's going to be hard. 

I know we can't give up or walk away, but I've had a lot of moments where I simply don't know what to do.  I don't feel like I have the energy or time to figure everything out or attend to everyone's needs.  I've spent more evenings than I'd like to admit over the past few weeks Googling symptoms and names of disorders.  I'm up way too late because I have things to get done and yet still want a little time for myself, and there just aren't enough hours in the day.  I get too little sleep, wake up exhausted, and have to do it all over again.  I feel like the balance in my life is all off, and I just don't have a choice right now.  And now we add all of this to it and it's hard to stay positive.  I've had a couple mornings this week where the right (wrong?) song comes on the radio at the right (wrong?) time and gets me all emotional in the middle of my commute.  The songs have been a good reminder that we have no choice but to get on our knees before God and pray our way through this.  My spiritual life has not been what it should be (see constant exhaustion above), but now we may not have a choice if we want to stay sane through all of this.  There has to be a purpose for all of this, right? 

We have a lot of challenges ahead of us.  I'm a little overwhelmed right now, so bear with me if I tend to vent a lot here for a while.  I don't want to focus on this stuff, really, but obviously this blog is about our lives and that's a big part of it.  But I definitely don't want to lose sight of the good moments we do have, so I'm going to do my best to keep some of that, too.  Keep us in your prayers.  We definitely need them...all of us.

And so it begins...

Well, we did it.  This morning we put Jacob on a bus for his first day of Kindergarten.  And I even have the pictures to prove it...

The "official" shot

This is what I got when I asked for a side view shot of his backpack...

All smiles just before stepping on the bus!

 

I have a lot of mixed emotions about today, but probably not for the reasons you'd think.  I mean, yes, my first baby is all grown up and going to school.  But he's been in daycare for so long that I'm used to leaving him in the hands of other people.  It's just a natural progression from what he has been doing.  But given the behavior issues we've dealt with for the past weeks and months, this step was hard for reasons I didn't expect.  Instead of just being able to be nostalgic, I worry about how he'll treat his teachers and his friends.  I worry about what will happen when he inevitably has a meltdown or an OCD moment and no one knows him well enough to understand why or know how to handle him.  Heck, I'm his mom and I don't always know.  I worry that because he doesn't always focus on the things we say, that he'll end up in a tough spot--like he won't pay attention to where he needs to get off the bus or won't remember which thing in his lunchbox is for snack or the right paperwork won't get to his teacher.  We have so little control over things now and won't have the constant communication with his teacher like we've had at daycare all these years.  He'll be meeting friends that he might have for a lifetime (I have at least one from Kindergarten--hi Heather!), ones that could lead him down a good path or a not-so-good path.  He'll be challenged in new ways, and since he's been such a wild card lately, I worry about how that challenge will impact him.  My hope for now is that everything will be so new that he won't have time to act out, though I know that may mean some tough evenings for us when all of the energy he's pent up all day comes flying out.  Hopefully by the time the newness wears off, we'll have some coping techniques from the therapist and we'll better be able to manage all that he's going through. 

 

I've been so jealous of everyone else sending their kids off to Kindergarten (or other grades, for that matter) as I've seen pictures pop up all week on Facebook.  I just long for the carefree excitement that I see on everyone's faces and in their statuses.  I know there's bittersweet sadness for how fast their kids are growing up, but that feeling seems like such a luxury compared to the concerns we've had.  I've had such a hard time getting excited about any of this given the school supply shopping meltdown and all the resistance we get whenever we try to buckle him down to do something important.  I didn't even cry when he got on the bus, probably because I was so relieved he did it without a meltdown. 

 

I will say that he did awesome the other night when we went to finish up our shopping.  We needed to get sneakers and a lunch box, and possibly a backpack if he could find one.  We started at Target and they had absolutely nothing sneaker-wise.  We didn't love any of the lunch bags but settled on a generic insulated one.  We headed off to Kohl's and found the perfect pair of sneakers and a cool backpack (almost went for the cheap sports one, but settled on the sturdier, roomier one).  And other than a few times where I had to rein him in for wandering off, he was absolutely awesome.  We actually had fun!  I don't know where those moments come from in the midst of all we've been going through, but it was heavenly and I wish we could get more of those.

 

We had his meet the teacher visit on Tuesday morning (amidst the rest of our crazy weekend), and he did pretty well there, aside from a couple random comments and having to redirect him to the tasks at hand.  We had a checklist to get through that helped us discover things around the room, and he got distracted quite a bit.  Still, he was pretty good.  I tried in vain to get a decent picture of him with the caterpillar he had to decorate and then put his picture on.  This was the best I got...

Anyway, day one is in the books.  Of course, I can't get much out of Jacob.  He seems to have enjoyed it.  He liked taking the bus.  He was so busy talking during lunch that he only ate a very small part of his food.  We had one hiccup in that he ended up on the bus to daycare instead of going to the afterschool program at the school.  We had set up the daycare bus in case we opted for that instead, because it was easier to discontinue it than add it later, but for some reason the transportation info from changes made more recently doesn't update until next Wednesday so he got put on the bus instead.  Not a big deal, but annoying nonetheless.  He was exhausted and fell asleep on the way home, and that made for a challenging night tonight.  Hopefully tomorrow is better. 

I'm glad we got through today and I pray that he has a blast tomorrow.  I really want him to love it so much that he won't need to act out.  Perhaps that's wishful thinking, as it's hard to know what he can and can't help, but I can dream, can't I?  I need to dream, in fact, because we've got some other challenges we're managing right now and that's pretty much all we've got.  Keep us in your prayers.  I will share more soon.

Change of Scenery

With all that's been happening around our house over the last few weeks, I was a bit torn about this trip to Pittsburgh that we had planned with Craig's family.  On one hand, it was nice to be off work and get out of town for a few days.  Life at home has been trying, so at least I could focus on my kids, where my brain has been anyway (regardless of where my body is), and at least deal with our issues in a more interesting setting.  But then again...with all we've been dealing with, the last thing I felt like doing was pack up, rush around, and spend hours in a car with two kids. 

The trip itself actually ended up being a little longer than we had originally anticipated, mostly because the Saturday baseball game we would have otherwise attended was sold out, and Craig's brother bought tickets to Friday's and Sunday's games (without double checking with us), which made it an automatic three day trip.  The timing was a little frustrating, as well, since my brother's family is in from Portland, and this weekend was our prime time to spend with them.  My vacation time is limited as it is (due mostly to an extra week on the end of my maternity leave and our trip to Disney later in the month), so as a whole this wasn't the best set of circumstances.  We had to make it work, though, so off we went.

Friday morning started with a doctor's appointment for both kids.  We had to take Carter in for the projectile vomiting issue I mentioned previously, and we figured we'd get Jacob checked out as well for a few things--stomach aches he's been complaining about (most likely caused by his pooping issues), his wound from his head bump on Wednesday night, and a quick chat with the doctor in light of our request for a therapist recommendation last week.  We figured we'd cram it all into one visit, and since she was in Friday, it seemed easier to do it then than see another doctor Thursday night.  The appointment took a little longer than we'd hoped, and by the time we got home, packed, and on the road, it was later than was ideal.  Then, 20 minutes in, I realized that we forgot one of Carter's medicines.  We simply didn't have time to go back, so we made a couple calls and managed to get the medicine called into a Wegmans in Erie, PA, where we could pick it up on our way through town.

In the interim, we stopped in Buffalo for lunch at McDonald's.  Carter ate while we were there, too, and Jacob...well...he was a mess.  It was like pulling teeth to get him to eat his food or behave at the table.  We definitely got some looks.  So, that took longer than anticipated, and we were even further behind schedule.  Then the medicine wasn't ready when we got to Erie, so that took even longer.  On the bright side, I did get this awesome selfie of Carter and me while we were waiting...

Seriously, could he be any cuter?

The trip just seemed to drag along forever, and we had to make another stop to feed Carter, take a bathroom break, and get a snack.  By the time we got to Pittsburgh, it was nearly gametime.  We checked into the hotel, got ourselves organized, and took the free shuttle right to the ballpark, which was huge.  We got there in the second inning, which wasn't bad all things considered, but it was one heck of a long trip. 

And it was HOT.  Actually, it wasn't really that hot, but rather incredibly humid.  So even though it was a night game with no sun, I was sweating nearly as much as I usually do at the many hot day games we've attended.  But we had good seats--different from where we've ever sat, way down the first baseline and maybe 10 rows up--and we ended up having a pretty good time even though Carter got a little cranky and Jacob was his usual trying self.  Here are some highlights...

Our view

Adorable face by Carter while he was being held by big cousin Maddy!

Craig and Jacob, complete with the usual mad face I've been getting constantly from Jacob lately.

Our view to the right of our seats.  I'm mostly including this because we sat up in those seats for Sunday's game.  I do like the look of the scoreboard, though.

Saturday was my birthday, and I am officially halfway through my 30s (gasp!).  We had the zoo planned for the day.  We had a pretty lazy morning where we indulged in my favorite free hotel breakfast, including the Holiday Inn Express cinnamon buns and a pancake machine.  I also got serenaded with "Happy Birthday" by Jacob's cousins!  We got on the road to the zoo around lunchtime (but we had a late breakfast so eating wasn't urgent), dealt with a few construction detours along the way, and finally got there.  Again, the humidity was awful.  Also, Craig's dad, who has a history of heart problems, was having a lot of trouble walking around, particularly with the humidity, so Craig's parents stayed back at the hotel and it was just us and his brother's family.  It was sort of a weird flow all day, and we dealt with a lot of issues with Jacob and general fussiness from Carter, but we finally managed to get through most of the zoo and see some awesome stuff.  We love that zoo.

Baby tiger playing with a big one!

Two lions.  They're so gorgeous.

Three little animals in a cage...otherwise known as Grant, Luke, and Jacob!

Baby orangutan...cute :)  Can't wait until the one here in Rochester is doing more!

All the kids outside the aquarium.  We have many pictures of Jacob over the years in front of that otter statue to the left.  Carter now gets to join in the fun!

I somehow managed to get this awesome picture of a jellyfish.  They are not easy to capture in the darkness, but I love this one!

Craig and Jacob touching the giant devil rays!  Those things were huge and had a tendency to rise up the glass and try to escape.  It was freakish...and they created quite a wave in the process!

Saturday night took a little while to get going.  Jacob took a dreaded two hour nap after the zoo, his cousins swam in the hotel pool, and by the time we got walking to dinner, it was dark out.  We ended up at this little pizza place that reminded me of my beloved Mama Mia's in Geneseo.  We got a smorgasbord of pizza, subs, breadsticks, and chicken fingers.  It was a little challenging since we were all extra hungry and it was getting late, but we survived the outing and ended up with some extra food that came in handy later in the trip.  Jacob was up late for the second night in a row, but since I knew that would happen, it was slightly less frustrating than usual.  I blogged and read through my Facebook birthday messages and tried to make the best of it.  Oh, and did I mention that Carter was also having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep while we were there?  It was a lot of late nights and early mornings, with lots of light sleeping in between for me.  Not ideal.  Hotel rooms + little kids = torture.  Always.

Sunday morning we got up for another yummy breakfast, then got ready for Pirates game #2.  While we were packing up, I caught this picture of Craig and Carter sitting on the pull-out sofa (a.k.a. Jacob's bed) in our room...

We headed out to the game on a very dreary day.  It had rained overnight and a little in the morning, but was relatively dry (but humid again) by the time we went to the game.  This was our view...

Yep, that's the foul pole!  I was panicked thinking about possible home runs flying in our direction, but luckily, they stayed away.

Before the game, the kids got a chance to get their picture with one of the pierogy racers, Cheese Chester!

Yes, this is weird, even for the world of mascots, but hey, what's better for a bunch of Polish kids? ;-)

Despite the fact that Carter didn't really want to watch the game, I managed to get some adorable pictures of him...

Another good selfie--it almost never happens so I'm going to celebrate them when I can get them!

Love the composition of this shot (total luck) and his adorable happy face!

Even his non-smiley face is beyond cute here!  Don't mind my face...just didn't take the time to crop it out!

Meanwhile, eventually the boys went down to the mini-field/playground area to play.  I got down there just as Jacob came up to bat...

He hit the whiffle ball over our heads, down the first base line, and it almost popped right over the "outfield" wall where the netting ended!  The kid can hit, no doubt.  Afterward he took to playing catcher.  It's funny to watch the kids police themselves as they played.  I was surprised the other kids let him do it, but I guess it's not as important a position as pitcher, so perhaps no one cared enough!  Here is Jacob playing catcher with cousin Luke batting...

At the end of the game, we had a tough decision to make.  Should we let the kids run the bases postgame?  It's a cool thing, for sure, but it's a long wait and it was already getting to be about dinnertime.  We still had a long drive ahead of us, too, even if we were only going to Buffalo.  In the end we did it.  We had to wait a while, and despite some crankiness from Jacob, we made it through.  He had done it when he was two, but I'm sure he doesn't really remember it that well aside from what we've told him over the years, so it was cool for him to get to do it again as a big boy. 


Rounding third!

We had a bit of a walk to get back to the subway station, then a ride on the subway and a ride on the hotel shuttle to get back to the cars.  The sun had finally come out, so it was once again very hot and humid.  It had been a long day already, and it honestly felt like the process of getting out of town and to my parents' house for the night was going to take FOREVER.  I fed Carter in the hotel lobby around 6:30, and we scarfed down some of the leftover pizza and breadsticks outside the car before hitting the road.  We had to stop for gas and a potty break a little before Erie (which was punctuated by a rather unfortunate interaction between Jacob and me), and hit a little rain along the way.  Fortunately Carter was able to go the four hours without eating (or else we would have been even later), and we arrived at my parents' house a little before 11.  Jacob was in rare form by then, and Carter was having an extra hard time going down as well.  Thankfully neither of them woke up their cousins who were sleeping upstairs, but it was not easy.  We had to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with Jacob about his behavior before any of us went to sleep, and then had to try to get Carter to sleep after that.  I don't think I went to sleep until 1.  On an air mattress.  With a restless baby next to my head.  Yeah, it wasn't ideal...but we managed.

We had another early morning there, but once we were up, we had a fun day with lots of family time.  But more on that soon.  I think this post is long enough!  Overall, it was an eventful trip with some not-great moments, but we managed to have some fun anyway.  Getting back in the groove (and a NEW groove at that) is going to be a challenge this week, but at least we had a little last hurrah to send off summer.  I'll post more about the time we had with my family soon, but I'm guessing there may be another medical update/first day of school post in the interim.  Stay tuned...

Sigh.

It's not exactly the birthday week I would have hoped for.  It's probably good that I've been too busy to blog this week because any posts from midweek would have been downright depressing.  This one may be bad enough (particularly since it's my birthday and all), but I've had a change of scenery so at least that's helpful in getting me out of the brutal fog I was in all week.

Jacob's behavior last weekend was awful, obviously, and it continued into the week.  Wednesday just captured the week in a nutshell.  Carter was having his night bottle and suddenly projectile vomited all over me.  He had done the same thing Sunday and Monday, once each day, and the volume and velocity were disturbing.  He's got acid reflux and spitting up has always been a problem, but this was beyond anything we'd experienced.  He still seemed happy, though, so it was perplexing.  I called the pediatrician's afterhours line and they were equally perplexed and suggested I call the doctor the next day.  In the meantime, Jacob was having his usual issues going to bed, and Craig went up to help him with an issue with his blankets.  When Craig tried to move something, Jacob got mad and threw himself backward in anger.  He hit his head on the edge of his headboard.  He was almost immediately hysterical and we had a heck of a time pinning him down so we could get a good look at it.  It was bleeding and initially it looked bad.  But upon further review it was sort of like a brush burn scratch and while it bled for a while, it wasn't something that needed stitches.  He had a big bump, though, so he was up icing it for a while.  When we finally put him to bed, we noticed his eye wasn't closing as he slept, which made us nervous given his head bump.  I called the afterhours line again and they had us wake him up to check for concussion symptoms.  He had a heck of a time waking up, though, so we almost had to take him into the ER for that reason alone.  Luckily he finally woke up and passed the tests.  But it was a late night and I didn't get around to doing the packing I wanted to do for our weekend trip. 

The next morning we tried to check his wound and he resisted with hitting and kicking, and his behavior in general was so bad that Craig and I looked at each other across the room and realized that we couldn't take another day of this.  We had called earlier in the week to get an appointment at a therapist that the pediatrician recommended, but vowed to do whatever we could to get him looked at that day.  I kid you not, I was tempted to drop him off at the psych ward--it was that bad.  We simply can't deal with the constant battles, constant defiance, and constant abuse.  Fortunately, they were able to get us in at noon that day, which made for a crazy Thursday...particularly since we still had to get Carter into the pediatrician and get packed for the weekend.  In the end we held off on Carter's appointment until Friday when our doctor was there, but we still had a lot of maneuvering to get Jacob to his appointment.  Craig took off most of the day, and I met them there from work after cutting out of a conference call early. 

The appointment was a bit surreal.  There's nothing quite like sitting on a therapist's couch (literally) and spilling your guts.  Jacob played on the floor while we gave her a rundown of the issues we've been dealing with.  She didn't have much to offer at that time, but gave some suggestions--nothing we weren't already trying to do--and set up an appointment for the next week.  I guess those appointments will be primarily with Jacob, but we may get called in at the end for a game plan.  She definitely figures that Carter's arrival is part of what's going on here (duh) but we definitely need to figure out some ways to counteract it. 

I can't quite describe to you the agony that comes from having your child completely reject you.  I see other people with their kids, laughing and hugging and talking, and I get upset that that is not our reality.  I feel like we're missing out on this very normal, very simple, loving interaction, and just can't figure out exactly where it went wrong.  Carter may have moved things along to a new level, but these issues were there in some form long before he ever made an appearance, so there has to be more to it than that.  It is all absolutely heartbreaking.  I spent most of the week in tears, be it at home, at work, or talking to his teachers at daycare.  Just the thought of it destroyed me every time.  Still does, to be honest.  It drove me nuts that the doctor was saying how I should make special Mommy-Jacob time, but whenever I do that, it turns into a disaster.  Just the prior night, I took Jacob out especially to get his school supplies.  We left Carter and Daddy at home, and there was a promise of a treat afterward if it went well.  Well...it all started when Jacob wanted supplies we didn't need.  And when they didn't have the color folder he wanted.  He hit, kicked, and name-called his way through the store.  We never did get a backpack or lunch box.  It was awful...and then we came home to the projectile vomiting and the headboard incident, so the entire night was a nightmare.  Long story short, even when I try to make time for Jacob, be it shopping, playing, reading, or whatever, it turns into him getting mad at me for something trivial and having a meltdown. 

Most people keep telling us that he just needs a good spanking or that he needs to know who's boss.  But here's the thing--if we spank him he only gets more violent, and we can only see that escalating into something physical that we're no longer comfortable with.  We're not shy with spanking, but he says it doesn't hurt and laughs it off, so in order to get through to him I think it might take a no-longer-legal beating, and that's not going to happen.  And we've never made it a secret that WE are the bosses--we almost always win eventually--but he just doesn't seem to care and is still convinced that he runs the show.  He never seems to learn and is thoroughly convinced that we don't know anything and he knows it all.  He also can't seem to control himself physically and ends up punching or kicking just because.  It is the weirdest thing because on the surface it seems like he's just being a pain, but no logical person would continue on the way he does, so I have to think there's more happening there than it would appear.  And it's awful.  He also keeps telling us (and his teachers) that he's having bad thoughts, including those about hurting people...including his brother.  It's scary and heart-wrenching and we don't know what else to do about it but do the weekly doctor appointments and see how it goes. 

Anyway, all of this really made for the week from hell.  It was so busy, but all I really felt like doing was locking myself in a room and crying.  I spent most of the week in an overtired fog, feeling like we had entered some alternate universe where our healthy, spirited kid was suddenly terribly ill.  I know this may be fixable, but there are moments where I feel like we're never going to get this under control and he's on a path to inevitable tragedy.  Ironically, one of the bloggers I read all the time posted a very timely post.  You can read it here.  In the face of what my coworker is going through with her son, I was feeling guilty for being so sad about my own situation. This post made me feel a little better, but it's still so hard.  And we're still struggling this weekend. 

Anyway, it's now more than 20 minutes past the end of my 35th birthday (yesterday marked five years since my 30th birthday and Jacob's Christening), and it has been a very long couple days to start off our extra long weekend.  I'll have a rundown on that soon, but for now I need to get some much-needed sleep.  I need all the energy I can get to make it through another day as Jacob's target.  Tuesday's appointment can't come soon enough.  Let's hope it turns into a belated birthday gift.  That is one gift I really need.