One Month

It's hard to believe, but Carter turns one month old today!  Granted, it's a bit of a cheat since February is shorter and his "one month" is two or three days less than it would be had he been born in any other month, but in any event, he's still four weeks old at the very least!  And now, officially, here is his one-month shot...

I didn't do these monthly shots with Jacob, probably because that was pre-Facebook, pre-Pinterest, pre-mommy blog reading, so I don't think I was even really aware of that trend at the time.  As the first-born, there are a lot of advantages Jacob has had...but I suppose the second-born gets the benefit of anything we think we need to do better, and this is one of those instances!  I had him in his adorable coming-home outfit today, partly in preparation for this picture, but he was too sleepy earlier in the day so I didn't have a chance to take it.  We went out this afternoon to pick up Jacob and take a trip to Target, and the second we got home, he did a massive blowout up his back.  I did snap a few pictures quickly before I changed the outfit, but he was miserable so we did a re-take later in the outfit I hurriedly picked out while cleaning up the disaster that is currently soaking in OxyClean in the stationary tub.  Perhaps some of the outtakes will show up in another post, since I'm way overdue for some photos on here.  Sorry about that.

Anyway...If you would have asked me at any point in the last few weeks how I felt the first month had gone, I would have told you that it went really, really well.  Obviously he started out healthier than Jacob, and the sleep deprivation and overall frustration with having a helpless, new baby was minimal compared to what we experienced last time.  Aside from Jacob's lackluster response to his little brother, I couldn't have asked for anything more.

However, the past few days have been challenging, to say the least.  I don't know what changed, but all of a sudden the minor discomfort that Carter had been having turned into a major problem.  Previously he'd just be upset if he was hungry or if he was having one of his twice daily gassy periods, but suddenly he was miserable most of the time--including during feedings and when he was trying to nap.  He was spitting up a lot, as well, which was getting to be awfully frustrating for both of us.  Since his next doctor's appointment wasn't until next Friday, I called the doctor yesterday morning to see if they would be willing to get him going on reflux meds now, so we'd have some idea of how things were working by next week.  They asked me to bring him in, and while he looks good and is still gaining weight (he's up to eight pounds--big enough for the Baby Bjorn and the Moby wrap!), all of the symptoms I described indicate he's not comfortable, so they started him on Zantac.  Jacob was on that for quite a while, as well, though he didn't start it until he was probably around eight months, as I recall.

Jacob was miserable pretty early on, but I think at the time we thought it might be a cow's milk protein sensitivity, and maybe a touch of colic.  We used gripe water back then, which seemed to help, but the reflux didn't get diagnosed until far later.  A bout of bronchiolitis around eight weeks started a cough that lasted from August until May.  They kept telling us the cough would hang out for a while, but it never did go away.    I think we went to the specialist and did all the testing in February, and that's when they told us he had slow stomach emptying and reflux, which was causing the irritation in his throat that caused the cough.  That led to a couple years of medication, and he still has issues with coughs lasting longer than usual.  Hopefully this time around we're just dealing with reflux (and not all of the respiratory issues), but there's a chance it could be the cow's milk protein sensitivity, which means that I'd have to give up dairy so it stops showing up in my breastmilk.  The thought of that kills me, though I have already switched to rice milk and I'm trying to avoid ice cream, yogurt, and other dairy in large doses for the time being.  We'll see how things go with the medication before I go nuts with that, though.

The first couple doses of Zantac have been hard to get down.  I don't know if it's the taste or if it's just that he's not used to swallowing anything that he didn't suck out himself.  He spit up right after this morning's dose, and last night was horrible, so I decided to give him some gripe water, which I've used a couple times already in the past few days, just to try to maintain some sort of sanity today.  Hard to tell if anything's making a difference, but he did seem a little more peaceful while eating after the gripe water.  I know that I can't rely on that, at least not yet, since we need to see how the Zantac does by itself, but it can't do any good if it's not in his body.  So, gripe water it is.

As I said, last night was pretty horrible.  I made the mistake of staying up a little later than usual, and he woke up a little while after I went to bed.  So, I probably didn't get to bed until around 1am, and then he was up at 3:45, and again at 6, and again at 7:30.  I tried to sneak in a little more sleep after that feeding, but managed maybe an hour before he was up again.  Each time it got harder to get up and get him, and I'll admit by the feeding after my little nap, I was miserable.  Hence the gripe water.

He spent some time the last couple days snoozing away in the Moby wrap.  I seem to have mostly gotten the hang of tying it (in case you're unaware, it's one GIANT strip of fabric that you tie into a carrying apparatus), and so far he seems nice and cozy in it.  I feel sort of "earth mothery" in it--baby wearing is a very granola thing to do--but I can see it coming in very handy.  I still have the Bjorn and will probably feel better using that for certain things since it's a bit more structurally sound, but the Moby is a little comfier for hanging out around the house.  I even made some simple three ingredient cookies this afternoon while wearing him.

Anyway, I'm coming off the first month feeling a little (or a lot) discouraged by the last few days.  It's such a shame, because the first month really was pretty great, all things considered.  It's just hard when you felt like you actually had a pretty decent handle on your newborn, and suddenly you feel like you don't know him at all.  I know that's the nature of parenthood--that things are always changing and everything is just a phase--but it pains me to see Carter so miserable, and I feel so powerless to help him.   We'll see if the Zantac and/or gripe water continue to do the trick, and hopefully month two can be just as successful as month one.

Thoughts on Three

As I've mentioned, I've been spending a lot of time watching "A Baby Story" while I've been home on maternity leave.  They feature all sorts of families--first baby, second baby, sixth baby (!)--and it's definitely been food for thought in regards to the dynamics of different sized families.  I've been pretty adamant through most of this process that this would be it for us, which is why I was extra disappointed about not having a girl.  Now that we have two boys, I still have a lot of mixed emotions.  I love Carter so much, so I wouldn't change a thing, but I still have moments where I wonder if it would be worth it to try for a girl.  I see so many families on the show that have two kids of one gender and finally get opposite gender on their third try.  They're always so excited and so fulfilled by it.  Of course, there are also the people who try and try again, only to get another of the same gender.

And that's the tough part.  If we could guarantee that number three would be a girl, I'd be very tempted to try again.  But since we can't guarantee it, it would be a huge risk to try.  Because ultimately, I don't really want to do this again.  All I could think as I was going through the agony of labor and the discomfort of the immediate aftermath was that I was never going to do this again.  I've found relief in that throughout, from the rough pregnancy to the late-night feedings.  I'm not sure I trust my body to do this again, since it had such a hard time this time and I'm only getting older.  The mental and physical challenges of getting the house ready, attending to a new baby, and dealing with Jacob's adjustment haven't been easy, and it's been a relief to think that we don't have to worry about it again. 

But it would be amazing to have a girl.  And even if it's another boy (God help me), babies are so precious and it's such an amazing experience to get to know another child and see their personality.  But a girl...it would just be so different.  I guess my biggest sadness is that if my boys get all that I want for their lives, inevitably it means they will grow apart from me.  If they grow up and get married, another woman will be the most important in their lives, and I don't want to be that mother-in-law.  If you have a girl, however, it's easier to grow that friendship forever.  There's no conflict or competition there. 

But reality is that we can't pick the gender, and having a third child changes everything.  We'd start running out of room in our house, we'd need new vehicles, and we'd no longer fit at the average restaurant table (or our kitchen table, for that matter).  It would cost that much more money for daycare.  And as I get older, we'd either face higher risks for birth defects, or we'd have to have another one pretty quickly, and I'm just not sure how I feel about that.  One thing that I've definitely taken from "A Baby Story" is a sense of relief that Jacob is as old as he is.  No, his response hasn't been great, but at the same time, the thought of managing a newborn along with a super-needy toddler gives me major anxiety.  I'm so happy we're past that point now, but if we were to have a third, that's probably a scenario we'd be facing.  The amount of stuff that goes along with a new baby can be overwhelming, and I can only imagine how much worse it would be when we'd get all new girl stuff.  It's felt good to reuse the boy stuff, but I've felt like even the newborn clothes we had to get for Carter are almost wasteful.  We needed them, of course, but they'll only get a month or so of use and chances are we won't reuse them.  Imagine an entire wardrobe of girl stuff and a full set of girl toys!

I'll admit I felt a little sad about starting the process of putting away my maternity clothes (bye, skinny jeans, it's been fun!), because chances are they'll never be used again.  I'm debating keeping a few items as part of my normal wardrobe (mostly fitted tank tops and t-shirts), but I don't want to wear them out in the event I do need them again.  Now that I know my body tends to flip babies the wrong way, I can't help but wonder if that could be prevented and if I'd discover labor doesn't have to be the torture it has been the last two times.  A third go-around would be less daunting if I knew that part could be easier.  But the thought of going through another pregnancy and risking an even earlier delivery scares me a lot.  I feel lucky that we have two healthy kids and wonder if it would be asking too much for a third.  Not to mention, nothing is guaranteed and you never know what challenges might lie ahead with the kids we have. 

Long story short, while my heart would love a third child and the prospect of having a girl, the rest of me knows that it's probably not logical, practical, or advisable.  Part of that makes me sad, and part of it gives me peace.  One of today's "Baby Story" episodes featured a mom that got her girl after a couple boys, and she said something to the effect of, "Now that I have my girl, it's time to stop this [meaning, one pregnancy after another] and start enjoying my life."  I totally get what she means.  Instead of planning and dreaming of more, it's time to live in the moment and invest in what is before you.  Part of me knows that I need to just get past the girl thing and embrace my role as a mom of boys.  I can always hope for great daughters-in-law, right?  And granddaughters beyond that?

It's not always easy, though.  I love my boys, however, and wouldn't have it any other way right now.  When people ask me if we'll have a third, my answer is, "Not unless God decides differently!"  And that is certainly the case.  We would most likely need medical assistance to make a third, but if we randomly got pregnant without that help--whether or not we were trying--it would certainly be an act of God.  And if that's the case, who am I to argue?  But for now we're done at two.  I still hesitate to say that Carter completes our family, but he's definitely another piece of the puzzle and we're ecstatic to have him here. 

Fears

Having two kids is an interesting experience.  I don't think it's quite what I expected, to be honest.  I haven't really obsessed over the added responsibility as much as I thought.  Perhaps that's because I've been more preoccupied with Jacob's issues, but other than juggling the simultaneous needs of two kids at certain moments, the two-kid situation hasn't been that bad.  For example, Carter wants to eat all evening, which makes Jacob's bedtime a little bit difficult. 

However, I do have some random, odd, unfounded fears that have been nagging at me since Carter arrived.  Even though most of this experience has been relatively easy-breezy compared to how I felt the first time around, I suppose there is always some fear and irrationality that goes along with being a parent of a new baby.  I haven't let the fears get the best of me, mind you, but they do go through my mind more than I'd like.  My biggest fear is obviously something happening to one kid or another.  I pretty much insisted through most of this pregnancy (and particularly after labor) that this was the last time I'd go through all of this, but if something happened, I'd definitely have to consider doing it again.  I don't want that declaration to come back to haunt me.

One of my biggest fears as a parent is SIDS.  It's something that we're ultimately powerless to stop, no matter how many precautions we take.  We have a smoke-free home, I breastfeed, and Carter is put to sleep on his back.  Even with all that, SIDS could still strike and there's nothing we could do about it.  It's always a little bit of a relief to hear baby noises after a long stretch of sleep, and I'm always relieved whenever I come back to where I've left Carter for a bit and all is well--whether I've let him nap in the swing while I showered or check on him in his car seat after a bit of running around where he slept peacefully the whole time.   I worry about him slipping out of my grasp because he's so tiny and squirmy, or losing my grip on his car seat when I'm carrying it around. 

I worry about Carter suffering from the same issues that plagued Jacob, from the reflux and possible milk protein issues (still not sure on that), to the breathing issues that Jacob had dealt with.  Even worse, I worry about what bullets we dodged with Jacob that we might have to deal with with Carter.  Every time we made it past a certain threshold with Jacob where we didn't have to deal with something (say, he never got into pacifiers or thumb sucking, so we never had to give them up), I breathed a sigh of relief and considered us very fortunate.  Of course, I never thought ahead that we might have to deal with it this time around.  There are illnesses, bad habits, and less-than-glorious parenting moments that we avoided previously that we may have to tackle with Carter.  I'm already dreading having both kids puking at once, and I won't lie--every time I hear about a kid with cancer or some other horrible illness, I cringe and wish there was a "safe point" we could get past where those illnesses wouldn't be a threat.  But there isn't, and that's scary.  Having another kid opens you up to another chance at those problems, and it's a risk you have to take when you have another child. 

The thing about having two is that you have "before" and "after" on display.  The beauty of a newborn is that they don't talk back.  They're perfectly innocent despite their capability to exhaust able-bodied adults.  It's part of what makes the new baby period so magical.  As they grow, they disobey and acquire the ability to actively frustrate their parents.  It's easy to forget the early perfection amidst that, but having two kids you get a vivid reminder of what you once had with your older child, in contrast to what you have now....and it's a preview of what might be to come with your new baby.  And given Jacob's recent behavior, it's been sort of a sad reality of how far we've fallen.  I don't want to make the same mistakes twice, assuming I can figure out what those were. 

Whenever I see some sort of troubling news story, like all the recent mass shootings, I think about the perpetrator's parents.  Once upon a time, this person who is now the embodiment of evil, was their perfect, precious baby.  I can't imagine their sadness and how they must replay everything in their minds, trying to figure out where they went wrong.  I'm not saying I expect that sort of extreme scenario from my boys (God forbid), but I'm sure even the most normal parents have those reflective moments when they don't see eye-to-eye with their kids. 

When you have a new baby, it's evident what a precious gift you've been given.  They're amazing and helpless little miracles, and they only stay tiny and perfect for so long.  They're always the center of your world, no matter their age, but those early days are unique.  It's easy to consider them a bit of burden (albeit a welcome one) later on when they make you pull your hair out, in sharp contrast to the gift they were in the beginning.  I remember blogging a while back about the realization that I was a happier parent when Jacob was a tiny baby, as opposed to the frustrated parent I became as he grew up and got defiant.  You'd think the parenting experience should only get more rewarding as your child grows, learns, and begins to express their love for you.  There are moments, certainly, but it's not always like that.  The first time around you don't realize what may be ahead, but once you have a second child, knowing where you've been and having an idea of where you could be headed changes perspectives a bit.  The experience has certainly been different than I expected.

Still, I have moments where I'm so hopeful.  We're heading into spring, my favorite time of year.  I still have a few weeks off with Carter and I'm looking forward to Easter.  I'm hoping for a little more sleep and some real smiles in the weeks to come.  I'm hoping that Jacob will come around soon, and I'm looking forward to a fun-filled summer.  I'm excited for another set of milestones, and lots of fun holidays with two boys to share them with.  I look forward to eventually watching them interact with each other, since so many parents count those moments among the best part of parenting.  We haven't had those moments yet, so it leaves me with a lot to look forward to.  I know there are many hard times to come, but for now I'll focus on the good.  I'm blessed, and there's no denying that as I look at this tiny little boy sleeping in my arms. 

March 7th

Well, it's finally here...my official due date!  As I look at my nearly three-week-old baby, it seems laughable to think we could have ever made it this long.  Just visiting my office yesterday reminded me of how horribly uncomfortable I was there, and made me extra grateful I didn't have to go through three more weeks of it! 

It's funny that this date was ever so significant since I had an inkling so far out that I'd never make it this long.  The joke in my office was that my due date was February 21st, which would have been two weeks early.  Turns out I didn't even make it that far.  Oops.  I had originally wanted to make it to March 8th because it was my grandma's birthday, but I would be going nuts right now. 

Instead, we're nearly three weeks into this adventure.  And so far, it's been mostly great.  There's still a lot of adjusting to do, but we're past the recovery and the initial insanity, so were settling in a bit.  It'll be interesting to see how Carter does now that he's technically full term.  It's hard to say how different he would have been if he was born on time, because he probably would have grown more efficiently in utero and wouldn't have had his big weight loss yet.  It's hard to know what systems might have benefitted from more development time in utero, and what's still evolving a bit now.  He still has so much of the hair he was born with on his arms, legs, and back, and often that falls out before birth, so I don't know when that's going to happen now that he's up to his due date.  He's definitely shedding a layer of skin right now, though.  It's hard to tell how he's growing, though I think the 0-3 month onesies he's wearing are fitting a little better.  The newborn stuff still fits, however, and good thing--we got a bunch of newborn stuff at Craig's office shower yesterday.  Hopefully he'll get some wear out of it all.  I think his face and belly have definitely chubbed up a bit, and he hit a big milestone today--he did his first up-the-back poop!  Ha.  Not my favorite skill, but my stain removal abilities still seem to be up to par!

Looking back at the blog around the three-week mark with Jacob, it appears life was very much the same.  The main difference is that Jacob had already been pretty uncomfortable for a while.  I was just starting to remove milk from my diet at that point, too, like I am now.  He was having trouble napping, which hasn't been an issue this time around yet.  It's interesting to look back and see how I was feeling and what we were experiencing, and for the most part it's similar to what we're dealing with now, which I guess is good because we're right on track, right?

Today could have been a very significant day in our lives.  Instead it's just another day, the day before Carter turns three weeks old.  His timing was perfect, though, and I'm so happy he's here.

Pity Party

It's been a rough 24 hours or so.  Yesterday I ended up having to do a little work, of all things.  I know that's probably not allowed, but under the circumstances it was the least of the evils.  I did my darnedest tot train our research assistant prior to my maternity leave, but Carter's early arrival meant we didn't get as many test runs under our belt as we would have liked.  One of the more technical things I do is mapping, and while we did some basic stuff, she had a hard time with a project that came up, and it was for a new client and the account rep was extra picky and they just couldn't get it to work.  So I did it.  It only took a couple hours, and Carter was a super napper while I did it, but no, it wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my day.  On top of it, Carter wasn't eating very well.  He was fussy and grunty.  He's been spitting up a lot lately, too.  I'm beginning to worry that he's getting reflux or that he's got a cow's milk protein sensitivity.  Jacob definitely had reflux (though we didn't know about it until after he had RSV and spent months coughing) and we suspected the milk protein thing.  I gave up eating cereal for breakfast, which kills me because I LOVE cereal.  I probably should have given up other dairy as well, but cutting out straight milk seemed to help. 

Anyway, Carter spit up a lot and I think it took a bit out of him because he slept a good chunk of the day.  Which meant that between too much sleep and not enough eating, he had a rough night.  At one point I was up with him for two hours, at which point I pulled Craig into the mix, which I try not to do during maternity leave since I have the ability to nap and he doesn't.  During that time I decided I need to try to give up milk and see how it goes.  I can't watch Carter be so uncomfortable.  So, we'll see how that goes.

Craig was extra tired this morning so I got up and tried to help out with Jacob this morning.  Mind you, last night at bedtime I went in to read him his stories and he whined that he wanted Daddy to do it.  When I told him I was, he told me he hates me.  So, he got no stories.  This morning when I walked into his room, he was banging on the door somehow--he was in his lacrosse shoulder pads and helmet, so perhaps he was running into it with those on?--and when I tried to pick out his clothes he had a tantrum and said he wanted Daddy to do it.  When I dragged him into the bathroom, he kicked the stool into the vanity and continued to be annoying.  I tried (for what seemed like the hundredth time) to chat with him about this mess--why he's so mad at me, what we can do to fix it, why he thinks it's funny to make me so angry and sad--all to no avail.  Craig did suggest to him to come in and apologize and give me a hug, but I know we'll be right back to the same behavior tonight. 

It's so frustrating and sad.  I never imagined that adding another child would so horribly damage the relationship I had with my first child.  It absolutely breaks my heart.  I'm sure sleep deprivation isn't making things any easier, and perhaps this is just a tiny blip in the radar, but I can't help but be worried right now.  I had hoped it would get better over time, but it's only gotten worse.  I love both of my children, but I almost don't recognize Jacob right now.  It's like we're strangers in comparison to the buddies we were (at times) before Carter was born.  I know things were far from perfect, but we had some great moments...and now I don't seem to know how to relate to him at all.  Trying to make him feel special seems too much like a reward considering how difficult he's been, but taking the hard line isn't working either.  He just laughs it off and continues...and probably feels like he's being rejected yet again.  Ignoring it, lecturing him, talking about it rationally...we've tried it all.  I've tried spending time with me and he either refuses or sabotages it.  I can't give up all of my time with Carter because I'm obviously his sole source of nourishment, but I am considering trying to have Craig spend some sustained, exclusive time with Carter so Jacob has no choice but to come to me...or at least muddy some of the good parent/bad parent labels he seems to have going on in his head right now.  We'll see.

On the bright side, we had a nice day out today.  Craig's office had us over for lunch since we never got to have the shower they'd originally planned but had to postpone when the organizer had a family emergency in Oklahoma.  We got a bunch of gifts and a fantastic meal from Dinosaur Bar-B-Que.  I felt guilty being downtown and not stopping by my office, so afterward we went there for a little bit.  We hung out with my department and anyone else who happened to wander by.  I didn't do a full-on tour since I get nervous about having him around so many people, but it was good to see some friends.  I was able to change up the decor in my cubicle and pick up the food I left there in my rush to leave.  Carter slept through pretty much the whole outing and only started crying on the way home, since he was way overdue to eat.  It was nice to get out. 

Oh, and one of my normal pairs of jeans fits again!  I got a lot of compliments on my figure today.  I'll admit that I don't look too bad considering I just gave birth less than three weeks ago.  It's nice to lose 20 pounds in three weeks, but I still have a long way to go body-wise!  I still think my nursing boobs look a little sloppy (no bra seems to help that sufficiently), but there isn't much I can do about those.  Hopefully they'll tone down a bit soon.  They make my shirts all look too short, so it makes dressing myself a little tougher.  Doing it in winter is still easier than it was in the middle of summer, though!

Anyway...I'm on my own with both boys tonight so the rough 24 hours could extend a bit.  Wish me luck.

Big Brother Battle

We're still dealing with the hesitant big brother issue.  We forced the issue again yesterday because my parents were here and I felt like they deserved the chance to get pictures of two of their grandsons in the same frame.  It's like pulling teeth to get Jacob to hold Carter.  It seems wrong to bribe and/or punish him, but I feel like the end justifies the means.  We need to de-mystify it so Jacob gets used to being around Carter.  I know that he will probably warm up to Carter once Carter responds directly to him with smiles or laughs.  At worst, Jacob should enjoy it when he can finally play with him, but I'd rather not have Jacob walk around here for the next few months ignoring his brother and resenting the fact that I have to spend so much time with him.  There's no reason I can't cuddle both of them, right?

Anyway, here's a shot of Jacob holding him...

And a full length size comparison, though Carter is cheating by pulling his legs up...

And a sweet picture of Carter that I couldn't resist including...

Jacob and I battled all weekend while Craig was on his trip to Denver.  We did have a bright spot when we went out on our own while my parents were visiting.  Of course, when I told him that we could go out on our own without Carter, he initially said no.  When I brought up going to Taco Bell for lunch, he changed his tune.  We ended up doing lunch and a trip to the library.  The trip wasn't bad, and it was nice to spend time with him, but near the end there was a hint of the snark we've been dealing with for the last couple weeks.

The rest of the weekend was difficult, though.  Jacob has been argumentative, rude, and purposefully difficult.  You could tell him that the sky was blue, and he'd argue about it.  You can tell him to stop doing something and he'll continue doing it with a smirk on his face.  Tonight he whined about everything!  Whether it was dinner, his bath, or cleaning up Legos, he whined and cried about something.  He blamed me all day when he couldn't find things, despite the fact that I hadn't touched any of his stuff.  I admit that I don't have the most patience at times--Carter wants to eat every hour or two during the evening and cried a lot tonight when he had to wait--but when it's been two straight weeks of disrespect, it's hard to maintain any level of patience with him.

I'm just not sure how to fix it, either.  I've tried to talk to him about it and explain that it won't be this way forever.  I know he's bothered by how much time I spend with Carter, but right now I don't have a lot of choice in the matter.  And even when I do spend time with Jacob, inevitably we have issues.  Sigh.  I did have to snuggle him last night for a while when he had a bad dream and woke up crying, and we can have nice moments, but they never last long enough these days.  I can't even tell you how many times he's talked about one of us not living here anymore or about how he hates me.  I try not to let it bother me, but it's hard to see how bad things have gotten when I remember that once upon a time Jacob was my sweet, innocent baby just like Carter is now.

Like I mentioned, Carter wants to eat all the time.  I don't mind it as much during the week, but when Jacob is home it makes for quite a challenge.  Carter cries when he's hungry and during diaper changes, but he's still a good little boy, all things considered.  I do wish his feedings were a little more consistent (he gets sleepy) and featured a little less spit-up sometimes, but it could be far worse!  However, I am tired by 10:30 without fail and as it is now 11pm, it is officially past my bedtime...even though I'll probably be back up in another hour or less for a feeding.  Ugh.  It's all worth it, but it doesn't mean it's not difficult!

News & Notes, the Two Weeks Old Edition (with pics!)

Carter turned two weeks old last night.  I can hardly believe it.  I'm technically a third of the way through my maternity leave, though I'm taking an extra week of vacation so I'm not quite there yet.  I'm really appreciating maternity leave so much more this time.  Perhaps it's because I'm not sitting in a sweltering house with a baby who won't nap--in fact, it's practically the direct opposite--but regardless, I feel like there's so much more of an ease to it than last time.  I don't know if I was more worried about being tired, or if Jacob really was that much harder, or what...but this time has been downright blissful in comparison.  I'm a little worried it's going to be way harder to go back this time.

I can't even describe what a relief it is to feel comfortable in my own body again.  Because I was never that uncomfortable last time, I think I missed being pregnant more last time.  My belly felt empty without the kicks and the constant (quiet) companionship.  This time, I think it was such a relief to not feel so ridiculously uncomfortable that I haven't really missed being pregnant at all.  I mean, I have moments where I'm sorry that phase is over because it is such a unique experience, but I'm okay with it being done.  There are still moments where I can't believe it is over--that over eight months of build-up (plus more than a year before that of trying) was over in twelve hours of craziness!  I don't know if I was expecting more or if it's just that I was still sort of expecting to be pregnant at this point, but once in a while it just catches me off-guard that I'm not pregnant anymore.  But I so appreciate being able to move around and sleep comfortably.  I can lounge with Jacob on his bed at night, stand at the sink without a sore back, bend over without discomfort, and sit without having aches and pains from one body part or another.  It's so amazing to feel so good, particularly now that I'm feeling so much better after the delivery.  Most of my discomfort is gone, and I'm also having considerably less engorgement discomfort, too.

Watching "A Baby Story" a ton while I've been home has been sort of an interesting thing.  It gives me more of an appreciation for what I've been through.  It's given me the opportunity to relive the moment Carter was born quite a bit, because it was such a great moment.  With Jacob, I was so exhausted and in so much pain.  I was expecting a lot of relief the second he was born, and it didn't happen, which was disappointing.  It was awesome when he was born, but I was so disoriented that I don't think I really got to enjoy it.  This time I was still in a lot of pain, but there was a definite decrease in pain when Carter was born and I was conscious enough to enjoy the moment when they put him on my chest.  It was pretty amazing, and if I'm sad about anything having to do with not having more kids, that's probably one of the big things I'll miss not being able to experience again (however, the hour that preceded it was pretty miserable and I will NOT miss doing that again.). 

Yesterday was Carter's two-week checkup.  I was very nervous about his weight, since he didn't feel any heavier to me and didn't seem to be fitting into his clothes any differently.  He'd also been a little hot and cold on feedings in the days leading up to the appointment.  But when they put him on the scale, much to my surprise, he'd gained nearly a pound!  He clocked in at 6 pounds, 12 oz., which blows away his birth weight by over half a pound!  Now he's pretty much the size Jacob was when he was born.  The doctor checked on his belly button, which has been oozing blood a bit since his stump fell off, but she said that should be fine within another week or so.  His circumcision has healed as well.  Everything else checked out perfectly and we don't have to go back for another three weeks.  It was so good to hear he is growing and everything seems to be exactly as it should be.  Because he was early he will be measured by his due date for the next two years, so it won't be a surprise if he doesn't hit milestones when they'd normally be expected for how old he actually is based on his birth date. 

And now for a few pictures...starting with Jacob holding his brother for the first time.  We had to bribe him.

Do Jacob's legs look a mile long, or what?

A look at how Carter still wants to be in utero.  He wants to be all curled up!

A look at him in just his diaper after his first real bath, which he hated...which isn't surprising considering how he still screams through diaper changes.  I liked having pictures like this of Jacob because the changing pad was a good measure of how he grew.

Look at the chicken legs!

And a sleepy shot with a smile...I love having my iPod with me constantly so I can catch shots like this...

Life is good right now, despite Jacob's continued disinterest in his brother and the fact that Craig is on a roadtrip for the weekend.  My parents are here today, which is nice.  Jacob and I had a chance to go out by ourselves for some lunch and a trip to the library.  Hopefully he appreciated the solo time!  It's too bad it's so rare right now, but it won't be like this forever!  I'm just trying to appreciate each moment for what it is, while it lasts.  I know how quickly it goes!