Lately I've been dying for some "me time". And really, it has nothing to do with needing a break from Jacob. As tiring as he can be these days, he's actually pretty entertaining so he's fun to hang out with. Tonight I ran to the mall after dinner to pick up a few things and he was asleep (but still ready to eat) when I got back, and I felt bad that I missed out on most of his awake time today. There's never enough hours in the day to get everything done--work, Jacob time, cooking, cleaning, sleeping--and at the end of the day, probably everyone misses out a bit in one way or another. Jacob probably doesn't get enough Mommy & Daddy time, Mommy and Daddy don't get a lot of "us" time (or, perhaps, fail to make the most of it out of sheer exhaustion), and probably neither of us get enough alone time to pursue other interests. Although, we must get some time because it's one of the reasons we are WEEKS behind on our DVRed shows. Between tending to Jacob in the evenings, taking care of dinner, dishes and bottlewashing, and finally getting some time to blog, check email, or just relax, I've forced TV down to the bottom of the priority list...or else I'd never get anything done.
Anyway, what I really need is enough uninterrupted time to take care of things that will make me happy. Sounds selfish, but really, I don't think it is. Why? Because sometimes you need to accomplish certain things in order to be at peace with yourself and therefore be a better parent. I've been wanting to take a day off work for weeks so I can clean my house. I haven't been able to pull it off, and my house is disgusting. And considering Jacob is now crawling all over it, it's really becoming vital that I get it done. But really, I just can't bring myself to do it in the evenings so I just need a day to pysche myself up and do it. Not exactly an ideal day off, but honestly, with how much it's bothering me it'd be a day put to good use for more reasons than one. Craig wants to have people over for Memorial Day (an annual NCAA lacrosse party that took a break last year because we had no friends...but our one friend is moving back so the party's back on! Sad, isn't it?), so if nothing else I will have to do it before then.
I also need to work on my appearance a bit. I haven't had a haircut since before Christmas and I haven't had highlights in my hair in a couple years. And every morning when I get up and do my hair, I hate it. I feel so blah and frumpy. It doesn't help that I still haven't figured out how to dress my new body, nor have I actually spent much time shopping to actually figure it out. Right now my chest is still big, my stomach is chubby, and my lower half is super skinny. My clothes don't fit quite right, but I just haven't taken the time to go out and shop. Part of me thinks it's unnecessary, but when I can pull a pair of pants off without unbuttoning them, or try on a shirt that's unattractively skin tight through the belly, I start to think that maybe it's more important than I thought. But finding time to go shopping and actually having patience with it (either because my body drives me nuts or because I'm preoccupied thinking about Jacob) is really, really tough. Jacob is almost a year old, which means I've been in a bit of a holding pattern for a really long time. I'm starting to realize that I need to put some effort into myself before I'm too far gone and give up trying to look good. I need to take the time to get a hair appointment...if I could just remember to call. I think that alone would be a huge self-esteem boost, and it might distract me from the clothes/body issue for a while.
Pregnancy, as much as it's influenced by the baby, tends to be a bit of a self-centered period. You catch people's eyes as you walk into a room, everyone's asking you how you're feeling, and you're just trying to take care of yourself. Ultimately everything comes back to the baby, but you have to be a little self-focused to make sure you're taking care of yourself above all. But the second that baby's born, everything changes. Your world revolves around the baby and little else matters. You might sneak in a selfish moment here and there, but for the most part, you no longer run the show. It's a big change. And all of a sudden you realize that all this time has passed and you've just sort of lost you in the midst of it. It's not entirely a bad thing, but again, if it gets too far, it's not good for your own self-esteem. For proof, just watch week after week of "What Not to Wear" to see all the moms who stopped caring about their appearance. Not good. I don't want that to be me.
On the other hand, I also don't want to go to the other end of the spectrum. Right now I think the poster child for that is Kate Gosselin from "Jon & Kate + Eight". That poor family has a LOT of problems right now, but before the current headlines, I was noticing that all of a sudden Kate seemed to be a lot more self-concerned. For years she didn't really pay attention to her clothes, and all of a sudden she was dressing up more, going for the fake bake tan, and just generally looking a lot more styled. Her behavior on the show seemed a lot more cranky and arrogant, and lately she's been doing a lot of traveling away from the family to promote her books. The family now has money and fame, and Kate has been loving every minute of the attention. She seems to have found her calling as a speaker, I guess. It's a tough call. I mean, she gave up her career to be a mom, and spent a lot of years completely immersed in the lives of her kids. And perhaps she got to a point where she lost herself in it all. And now with these opportunities she's found something she likes. Whether it's finally feeling beautiful or pampered or enjoying the attention or doing something adult with her time or just plain getting out and about after years stuck in the house with eight kids (would you go out much?), I suppose she's enjoying the opportunities. Unfortunately she seems to have gone a little over the edge, however, and there have been nasty effects on the whole family. It's so sad to think those eight kids that they wanted so badly may not live in a two-parent family for much longer. And if nothing else, it's not a happy family right now. So, yeah, there can certainly be a dark side to a mommy rediscovering herself, but obviously I'm pretty confident that I can keep myself under control :)
Jacob always has to be my priority now, but I'm definitely getting to the point where I think I need to do a little "me" work here and there. I won't be able to change focus for long, though...the face of my sweet little boy captures my attention all too easily...he is just too darn cute!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
More reminiscing...
Yesterday morning a friend of ours became a father for the first time. I'd mentioned him in this blog a couple times before, most recently here. The baby ended up coming about 3-1/2 weeks early after his wife started spotting mid-week last week. She'd had a lot of testing and some false hope that she could go back home, but eventually she was stuck in the hospital for days being monitored, and finally induced. I can't even imagine how frustrating her weekend must have been, just sitting around waiting to dilate. She was having contractions but it took forever to get to the point of pushing. Once she finally got there, it was a little over an hour and she was done. They had a little girl, which we all suspected it would be (it's a karma/irony thing that people who know her father would understand). Being over three weeks early she was on the small side but generally healthy. Apparently the mom spiked a fever shortly before the birth, so the baby ended up in the special care nursery for some double-checking. As with Jacob, any sign of infection will be fought with antibiotics, and if that is the case, she'll be in there for a week or so. Still, by all accounts she was healthy, which is a relief when a baby comes that early...because even if anything past 36 weeks is considered full term, you're still dealing with potential lung issues and other minor complications.
Anyway, my conversations with my friend both on Friday in the midst of the waiting game and yesterday when he called me to tell me the news brought back a lot of memories. They're in the same hospital, and of course, the baby's in the same special care nursery where we spent hours hanging out with Jacob in that first week. On Friday when I found out that all of this was going on, I told my friend a little about the SCN, that the nurses are great and that the overnight room is really nice. Obviously we hoped that his baby would avoid it, but in the event it ended up there, it would be in good hands and it's a nice setup. And sure enough, she did have to go there. I hope it's only a short stay, though, because I would never wish that week on anyone. I'm sure I blogged about it way back when that I can't even imagine how parents of premature or very sick babies do it for months on end. You'll do anything for your baby, of course, but the exhaustion of knowing your baby's sick, spending hours sitting there, and not necessarily doing a heck of a lot else is really tough, mentally and physically. I often wondered where the other SCN babies' parents were. It was rare to see other parents around. Maybe I was the only one trying to nurse my baby. Because Jacob ate every 2-3 hours, it only made sense to be there a lot. Pumping wasn't fun and I wanted to minimize the time he spent drinking out of a bottle. Ironicially, I didn't spend too much time there while I was actually a patient in the hospital. I don't know why exactly, other than that a side room hadn't been offered as an option, and they probably would have rather had me back in my room ASAP so they could do their every-couple-hour checks on my temperature, blood pressure, and war wounds. Plus, I didn't want to miss meals!
Hearing my friend talk about the experience was quite interesting. When I spoke with him yesterday, I could sense the "this-is-great-but-I'm-scared-to-death" slant to his voice. I know it well because I had it, too. You can't help but be excited, because there's been a lot of build-up. You're so tired that you're running on pure adrenaline, but everyone and everything around you is telling you that you should be completely and totally pumped about the birth of your child. And it's not that you're not, but actually seeing your baby changes everything. This little life is all yours and you are completely responsible for its care. It will hold a piece of your heart (a big piece) for its entire life. That is an intimidating thing, particularly when you're still trying to figure out all of the "basic need" things, like how to change a diaper or feed it. It's like, can't I master the easy stuff before having to take on the massive reality of this whole situation? But no, the huge responsibility you just took on is staring you in the face immediately (literally), and while it's all very special, it is the scariest thing in the world. I told Craig recently that I look forward to baby #2 because I think I will enjoy it more. I was so scared of everything the first time around that I think I just never relaxed enough to really appreciate it all. While I know I will still be nervous about having a tiny, fragile baby, at least I will know how to diaper and feed and hold it, so I won't be preoccupied with stuff like that. And obviously I pray that we won't have to go through the time in the SCN again, because I'd like to finally get my token picture in the hospital bed holding my baby and experience my baby's first week in my own home, without having it attached to wires and tubes.
Anyway, my conversations with my friend both on Friday in the midst of the waiting game and yesterday when he called me to tell me the news brought back a lot of memories. They're in the same hospital, and of course, the baby's in the same special care nursery where we spent hours hanging out with Jacob in that first week. On Friday when I found out that all of this was going on, I told my friend a little about the SCN, that the nurses are great and that the overnight room is really nice. Obviously we hoped that his baby would avoid it, but in the event it ended up there, it would be in good hands and it's a nice setup. And sure enough, she did have to go there. I hope it's only a short stay, though, because I would never wish that week on anyone. I'm sure I blogged about it way back when that I can't even imagine how parents of premature or very sick babies do it for months on end. You'll do anything for your baby, of course, but the exhaustion of knowing your baby's sick, spending hours sitting there, and not necessarily doing a heck of a lot else is really tough, mentally and physically. I often wondered where the other SCN babies' parents were. It was rare to see other parents around. Maybe I was the only one trying to nurse my baby. Because Jacob ate every 2-3 hours, it only made sense to be there a lot. Pumping wasn't fun and I wanted to minimize the time he spent drinking out of a bottle. Ironicially, I didn't spend too much time there while I was actually a patient in the hospital. I don't know why exactly, other than that a side room hadn't been offered as an option, and they probably would have rather had me back in my room ASAP so they could do their every-couple-hour checks on my temperature, blood pressure, and war wounds. Plus, I didn't want to miss meals!
Hearing my friend talk about the experience was quite interesting. When I spoke with him yesterday, I could sense the "this-is-great-but-I'm-scared-to-death" slant to his voice. I know it well because I had it, too. You can't help but be excited, because there's been a lot of build-up. You're so tired that you're running on pure adrenaline, but everyone and everything around you is telling you that you should be completely and totally pumped about the birth of your child. And it's not that you're not, but actually seeing your baby changes everything. This little life is all yours and you are completely responsible for its care. It will hold a piece of your heart (a big piece) for its entire life. That is an intimidating thing, particularly when you're still trying to figure out all of the "basic need" things, like how to change a diaper or feed it. It's like, can't I master the easy stuff before having to take on the massive reality of this whole situation? But no, the huge responsibility you just took on is staring you in the face immediately (literally), and while it's all very special, it is the scariest thing in the world. I told Craig recently that I look forward to baby #2 because I think I will enjoy it more. I was so scared of everything the first time around that I think I just never relaxed enough to really appreciate it all. While I know I will still be nervous about having a tiny, fragile baby, at least I will know how to diaper and feed and hold it, so I won't be preoccupied with stuff like that. And obviously I pray that we won't have to go through the time in the SCN again, because I'd like to finally get my token picture in the hospital bed holding my baby and experience my baby's first week in my own home, without having it attached to wires and tubes.
Yesterday morning's conversation took me back to the newness and wide-eyed excitement of those first couple days, and ever since I've been wondering how they're doing. The first couple days (or, actually, months) are a total blur, and when you go through it yourself it's hard to appreciate the immensity of it all. Seeing it through the eyes of others once you've had time to digest it all is very insightful. I just read back on some of my first posts after Jacob was born, and it's amazing how far we've come. It was such a crazy time, and I'll do whatever I can to be a resource for our friend in the middle of his new baby experience. I definitely think this experience is going to change him and help him show a kinder, gentler side (seriously, how much of a smart a** can you be when your entire world is suddenly enveloped by a sweet little baby?), and I'll be interested to see how things go. It's all very exciting stuff and I am so happy for them.
In other news, Jacob is doing well. He's still got his cough (what else is new?) but he seems to be feeling a bit better. We actually had a great evening. He ate well and was an absolute goofball! He was all over the place, laughing up a storm. I'm a little worried he's going to be one of those kids who gets extra hyper when he's sleepy, but right now it's pretty darn entertaining when he gets like that...complete silliness! But anyway, he calmed down almost immediately when we went into his room and he went to bed without a peep. Perfect. He's definitely got his cranky, determined moods where he won't stay still on the changing table, won't leave his inhaler mask over his mouth (who knew a baby could be so strong?), and gets into everything no matter how many times you try to distract him, but I guess that's all part of this stage. Otherwise he's a happy, goofy baby that thrives on attention. He is so cute and such a fun little dude....which totally makes up for the frustration most of the time!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day Weekend
We originally had plans to go to Buffalo on Saturday so we could split the Mother's Day weekend visiting across a couple days. Unfortunately, Jacob still wasn't feeling fantastic so I didn't really want to risk a good night's sleep by having him wake up coughing, noticing he's in an unfamiliar place, and freak out. So we decided to stay home Saturday in hopes Jacob would be ready to go on Sunday. We didn't do much on Saturday--just some quick running around. Craig mowed the lawn and went Mother's Day shopping, and I did some laundry...but other than that we stuck close to home and tried to relax. Still, Jacob is inherently tiring these days so I'm not quite sure how well that worked out! He did discover what is sure to be a favorite hangout of his, the front door! With the door open and the storm door window low to the floor, he discovered that he could look out and watch the world go by. We even waved bye-bye to Daddy as he pulled out of the driveway! He really seemed to like it, and seriously, how cute are these pictures?
He seems to be feeling a little better. His cough is less frequent though still rough-sounding, and his nose seems to be a little less runny (at least for periods of time). It's hard to tell if the Claritin is working, but I'll give it another week or two and see how he seems minus any cold symptoms. From what I hear from other moms, May seems to be about when the day care perma-cold disappears. Fingers crossed!
He seems to be feeling a little better. His cough is less frequent though still rough-sounding, and his nose seems to be a little less runny (at least for periods of time). It's hard to tell if the Claritin is working, but I'll give it another week or two and see how he seems minus any cold symptoms. From what I hear from other moms, May seems to be about when the day care perma-cold disappears. Fingers crossed!
Sunday we headed out to Buffalo to visit both sides of the family. Just a couple quick hours with my parents, then off to Craig's family for the rest of the afternoon/evening. We had a nice time and Jacob really seemed to enjoy watching his cousins play. He needs to bulk up a bit before he can play with the boys, though, but I know one of these days, before we know it, he'll be in there holding his own! Even though he seemed to be feeling better, Jacob was pretty clingy all day. Every time I tried to pass him off to anyone, he'd cry or reach back for me. He's not usually like that, so I don't know if it was just his cold or the whole separation anxiety thing kicking in. He was really huggy when I got him back in my arms, which usually isn't something I notice. He'd wrap his arms around me and snuggle into my shoulder. I felt so bad that no one else could hold him for any extended period of time, particularly since our families don't get a lot of time with him. However, it was nice to feel loved, especially on Mother's Day. I contentedly held him for a good chunk of the day. It just seemed...right. He had some issues on the way home, though. He cried for about 30 min., from the time we started driving at near exit 52 on the Thruway, until we got off at Exit 49 so I could go back with him. I nursed him back to sanity so we could get back on the road, and then played with him until he fell asleep a while later. I watched him sleep for a bit and then we napped in the backseat together. Very peaceful.
All in all, it was a fun day. I feel like I need more weekend, but oh well. I'll hopefully get to take some vacation soon. I need it!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Another cold :(
Jacob's had a rough week. When we look at him sometimes, we just see a "mess". First it was a couple lingering bruises from crawling mishaps (one under his chin and another under his eye). Then he picked up a new cold, this one with a really rough cough and a nose like a faucet. On top of that he's teething like crazy, so between having his hands in his mouth and tons of drooling, he's a mess. Our shirts have no chance these days because every time he gets near us, he's got saliva-covered hands and he wipes his drooly, snot-covered face all over us. Oy. Poor baby. Despite coughing a lot in bed, he's still been sleeping okay...knock on wood. He still has a lot of happy moments despite the cold, but he definitely downshifts into misery a lot quicker. Craig stayed home with him on Thursday because the cough just sounded miserable and I knew he'd be so clingy that he'd take up a lot of the caretakers' time, which isn't particularly fair to them or the other kids. His main caretaker is 8 months pregnant, so that's about the last thing she needs. I think we're on the back end of it now, but with the teething I think we still have some rough days ahead. I do think I can see this top two teeth showing through the gums just a bit now. It'll probably still be a couple weeks before they break through, though. I'm bracing for that on the nursing front. The tongue protects me from the bottom teeth, but the top teeth are going to be exposed and could therefore be pretty painful the moment he loses focus. He's still nursing pretty crappy anyway (other than the last feeding at night), so we're moving toward weaning anyway. I've been making an effort to work on milk in the sippy cup so we're prepared. He's doing pretty well with that, actually. Still a little drippy sometimes, but he's definitely getting it. It's a great way to get him to finish off a bottle these days when he doesn't want to drink it from the bottle.
He started Claritin this week and I'm eager to see if that helps him once this cold goes away. While it's supposedly not common for babies to show allergy symptoms this early, it does happen. Maybe that's been part of his problem all along. We shall see. For now we just have to wait the cold out. We were originally planning on making Mother's Day weekend in Buffalo a two-day affair, but we decided that it was probably smart to keep him here overnight because a change of scenery could spell disaster for his fragile sleeping state. Whereas now he'll wake up coughing but fall back to sleep, he might freak out in a less familiar place and be up all night. So we'll err on the safe side for now and cram tomorrow full :) Happy Mother's Day everyone!
He started Claritin this week and I'm eager to see if that helps him once this cold goes away. While it's supposedly not common for babies to show allergy symptoms this early, it does happen. Maybe that's been part of his problem all along. We shall see. For now we just have to wait the cold out. We were originally planning on making Mother's Day weekend in Buffalo a two-day affair, but we decided that it was probably smart to keep him here overnight because a change of scenery could spell disaster for his fragile sleeping state. Whereas now he'll wake up coughing but fall back to sleep, he might freak out in a less familiar place and be up all night. So we'll err on the safe side for now and cram tomorrow full :) Happy Mother's Day everyone!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Pregnancy Memories
I've been thinking a lot lately about the late stages of my pregnancy. The memories of that time are more vivid than much of the rest of my pregnancy because there were more points of reference. I had showers, childbirth classes, nursery prep, and warm weather clothes shopping, all of which took place at this time last year. Between reading back in the blog archives and the periodic bursts of warm weather recently, a lot of the memories and the associated emotions have come creeping back. It was definitely an interesting time. I can hardly believe we've gone through an entire year of seasons changing. So much has happened since then and it boggles my mind. I can't believe Jacob is 10-1/2 months old already. But then again, who I was pre-Jacob seems like a lifetime ago.
Knowing that the showers and childbirth classes were a year ago means that last year at this time I was already really, really pregnant. I just remember feeling huge...or at least, when it comes to the showers, feeling huge once I saw pictures of myself. And at that point I still had almost two months of rapid growth to go! I remember going out shopping for shorts on a freak 85 degree day in April, having to wear my maternity jeans because it was pretty much all I had. And by that point everything I tried on was a tricky fit...either because my belly was so big, the rest of me was so small, or I still wasn't sure how gigantic I'd get.
It was a time of anticipation and change. I just remember being very busy. Between hitting up childbirth classes once a week (and rushing to get out of work and grab dinner beforehand), trying to pick up my new car (amidst many problems) and doing a ton of baby shopping/registry maintenance/nursery prep (ok, we didn't do a lot of nursery prep...but just organizing shower gifts was a challenge!), there was a lot going on. It was all very exciting, but there was a definite nervous excitement going on. I was scared out of my mind about a lot of stuff, and even the thought of going into Jacob's room and sorting through gifts gave me a bit of anxiety...like it was confirming that this was really happening...and well, duh, it was. We knew our lives were about to change, and we were okay with that even if we were inevitably unprepared. I definitely spent those last couple months savoring every moment of our time together, knowing it would never be the same once the demands of parenting took over. And sure enough, even when Jacob's in bed and it's just the two of us again, Jacob still seems to dominate the conversation...or we're catching up on TV shows we didn't get a chance to watch because he was keeping us otherwise occupied! He's never out of our minds.
I definitely think back on how tired I could get from all of the preparations. I could only do so much (particularly when the summer heat started) before I had to sit and take a break. I wasn't used to having such a low threshold for exhaustion, so that was tough. Sometimes I just had to press on, or else I'd never get anything done. I don't miss those days, although sometimes it would be nice to be forced to take a break. Between our morning routine, work, dinner, dishes, bottles, and prep for the next day (along with anything else on my to do list), sometimes it's tough to just sit down and relax. And when I do, I usually fall asleep rather quickly. That is frustrating, because I'd rather go to bed and get real sleep instead of a pre-bed catnap on the couch. But quite often the thought of putting on pjs and brushing teeth is just too much and I just zonk out.
I think about how crazy it was to have this little human inside of me, moving around and giving me this massive belly. I can hardly believe it was there...almost like it was some weird dream. The belly is smaller these days, of course, though it never did snap back to its previous state. The rest of me is skinnier than ever...I think my instructor at the gym was right--breastfeeding does burn the fat in the butt, hips and thighs. So even though I weigh a lot less than pre-pregnancy, my body is not what it once was. When I finally do get out clothes shopping, I have a hard time figuring out how to dress my new body...and I wonder how long it will stay in its current state once I stop nursing.
The room full of baby stuff was such a strange thing to me. Having had very little experience with babies, it was all new and confusing. I spent a lot of time just trying to sort through it all and figure out what needed to go where, and what else we needed. It helped prepare me mentally, but it was overwhelming at times. Just thinking about those piles makes me a little crazy to this day. Amazingly, it all found a place in his room (or somewhere else in the house), and it's like it's always been there now!
As for the pre-Jacob me...that does seem like a lifetime ago. Everything in my world revolves around him now, like it or not. Maybe he's not in my thoughts all the time when I'm at work--I have a ton of stuff to keep me occupied--but if I thought about him all day, I don't think I'd be able to spend all day at work because I'd miss him too much. But I think about him a lot anyway, and always look forward to his smiling face. And even when he's asleep, my world is a better place because he's at peace. Sometimes I find it hard to focus on "me" stuff when I'm out in the world without him. I don't have much patience to shop because I'm always thinking about him, wondering if things are ok at home. Half the time my attention gets turned to the baby section instead of clothes my own size. I'm not sure what I would do without him these days. I definitely identify myself as a mom these days, more than anything else. I really need to work on paying more attention to my role as a wife these days. The balance still isn't quite there, and it's not fair to Craig...though I think he understands. The old me was pretty self-centered...not in a bad way, I suppose, but I just didn't have much else going on so of course my needs were in the forefront. Not anymore, though I still have my moments when I get a little too run down and need a break.
It's a totally different life, that's for sure. I can't really describe it as better or worse...just different. There are old things I miss and new things I wouldn't give up for the world. My life certainly has more meaning now, though I think I've lost a little of my own identity because Jacob's needs have taken over almost every facet of my existence. Despite all of the problems and concerns of pregnancy, I do miss the excitement, anticipation, and promise that it held. Reality these days is a lot more difficult, but also more rewarding. It's a world away from where I was a year ago, but as the warm spring breezes blow, inevitably my mind will travel back to a simpler time of intense anticipation...what a time it was.
I definitely think back on how tired I could get from all of the preparations. I could only do so much (particularly when the summer heat started) before I had to sit and take a break. I wasn't used to having such a low threshold for exhaustion, so that was tough. Sometimes I just had to press on, or else I'd never get anything done. I don't miss those days, although sometimes it would be nice to be forced to take a break. Between our morning routine, work, dinner, dishes, bottles, and prep for the next day (along with anything else on my to do list), sometimes it's tough to just sit down and relax. And when I do, I usually fall asleep rather quickly. That is frustrating, because I'd rather go to bed and get real sleep instead of a pre-bed catnap on the couch. But quite often the thought of putting on pjs and brushing teeth is just too much and I just zonk out.
I think about how crazy it was to have this little human inside of me, moving around and giving me this massive belly. I can hardly believe it was there...almost like it was some weird dream. The belly is smaller these days, of course, though it never did snap back to its previous state. The rest of me is skinnier than ever...I think my instructor at the gym was right--breastfeeding does burn the fat in the butt, hips and thighs. So even though I weigh a lot less than pre-pregnancy, my body is not what it once was. When I finally do get out clothes shopping, I have a hard time figuring out how to dress my new body...and I wonder how long it will stay in its current state once I stop nursing.
The room full of baby stuff was such a strange thing to me. Having had very little experience with babies, it was all new and confusing. I spent a lot of time just trying to sort through it all and figure out what needed to go where, and what else we needed. It helped prepare me mentally, but it was overwhelming at times. Just thinking about those piles makes me a little crazy to this day. Amazingly, it all found a place in his room (or somewhere else in the house), and it's like it's always been there now!
As for the pre-Jacob me...that does seem like a lifetime ago. Everything in my world revolves around him now, like it or not. Maybe he's not in my thoughts all the time when I'm at work--I have a ton of stuff to keep me occupied--but if I thought about him all day, I don't think I'd be able to spend all day at work because I'd miss him too much. But I think about him a lot anyway, and always look forward to his smiling face. And even when he's asleep, my world is a better place because he's at peace. Sometimes I find it hard to focus on "me" stuff when I'm out in the world without him. I don't have much patience to shop because I'm always thinking about him, wondering if things are ok at home. Half the time my attention gets turned to the baby section instead of clothes my own size. I'm not sure what I would do without him these days. I definitely identify myself as a mom these days, more than anything else. I really need to work on paying more attention to my role as a wife these days. The balance still isn't quite there, and it's not fair to Craig...though I think he understands. The old me was pretty self-centered...not in a bad way, I suppose, but I just didn't have much else going on so of course my needs were in the forefront. Not anymore, though I still have my moments when I get a little too run down and need a break.
It's a totally different life, that's for sure. I can't really describe it as better or worse...just different. There are old things I miss and new things I wouldn't give up for the world. My life certainly has more meaning now, though I think I've lost a little of my own identity because Jacob's needs have taken over almost every facet of my existence. Despite all of the problems and concerns of pregnancy, I do miss the excitement, anticipation, and promise that it held. Reality these days is a lot more difficult, but also more rewarding. It's a world away from where I was a year ago, but as the warm spring breezes blow, inevitably my mind will travel back to a simpler time of intense anticipation...what a time it was.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Baby's First Allergy Meds (and Second Inhaler)
We were back at the doctor today for Jacob's followup with the pulmonary specialist. We expressed our concerns that he didn't seem any better--he still has a doozy of a cough. I've never been completely convinced about the reflux issue. Yes, the procedure he had last time around showed that he had it, but they never made it sound like he had it very badly nor has he ever spit up like a real reflux baby. The only visible symptoms were merely circumstantial evidence--waking up at night, arching his back during feedings--and none of that seemed to go away with his cocktail of meds. However, the doctor didn't like the fact that he still had the cough, and his ever-present runny nose (his perma-cold from day care, as I like to say) was giving him some post-nasal drip as well. She asked how he was doing with the nebulizer, and while some nights it knocks him out, other nights he flails around like crazy. As a result, she decided to change things up. So now we're back to an inhaler like he had right after his first bout of bronchiolitis. Twice a day, two puffs each. Can't wait to try to get him to sit still for that!
He's staying on the Reglan and Prevacid for now for the reflux, which he should outgrow. In addition, she told us to get him some over-the-counter allergy meds. Of course, somehow we didn't end up with her notes on that, so I have to call tomorrow to confirm what kind she'd like us to get. She mentioned a couple, and so far I've only found that Zyrtec is approved for babies his age, though Claritin has less side effects for kids. Perhaps at a certain dosage it's ok. Either way, it will be interesting to see how that goes. We've been wanting allergy meds for him for months, and it will be interesting to see if they work. I mean, we know he's predisposed to allergies and asthma from us. Though it turned out to be bronchiolitis, I'm still convinced that ragweed time started him off with the coughing. We were sick together, and it happened to be the same week that everyone was complaining about ragweed, my worst allergy. Coincidence? Maybe. But the fact that his cough has been worse in the last couple weeks makes me wonder if the massive amounts of pollen outside might be pushing that along. We shall see.
Jacob's biggest issue these days is eating. He was back down under 20 lbs. today, which doesn't surprise me at all since his feedings have been pretty awful. They'll range from 5 minutes up...his morning feeding is usually no more than 15-20 minutes, and he had some brutal ones over the weekend. Tonight, of course, he ate forever. Most nights are pretty decent. His bottles at daycare are anywhere from 5 oz. to 7 oz., and apparently it's a struggle most of the time. They've been trying everything, from putting it in his sippy cup, to playing with him in between and going back to it later. I've even been having issues at dinner time with solid foods. He hardly ate anything tonight. It's tough to tell what's going on. It could be that he just wants to get up and play now that he's crawling like a maniac. Or maybe he's uncomfortable from his post-nasal drip...I know I don't like swallowing much when mine is bad. Or maybe he's teething again. We can't see any teeth coming, but he's been chewing on everything almost non-stop. They've got to be coming soon, so I suppose that's a definite possibility. It definitely makes me nervous because I don't want him losing too much weight. I just don't know at what point I need to try to supplement with formula when he won't nurse. I know he'll eat when he's hungry, but God gave us parents for a reason so perhaps I need to step in. It's so tough to tell.
Jacob is definitely a handful these days, crawling around and getting into whatever he can. He ended up with a couple scratches and a little shiner today from his crawling exploits. I think he's getting braver and is trying some different moves, but his balance is not quite there yet and he's falling on his face a lot. Poor baby. Have I mentioned that he finally seems to have figured out raspberries? He doesn't do it a lot, but over the last week or so he finally figured out how to put his lips together and blow. It's still pretty cute because he hasn't started doing it at bad times, like while he's eating. He's getting very adept at finger foods, and that has been fun to watch. He was firing down Cheerios like crazy over the weekend. He's pretty amazing to watch these days as he figures things out and grows into a little boy more and more. I can only imagine what's in store...now if we could only get him healthy for the ride, that would be great!
He's staying on the Reglan and Prevacid for now for the reflux, which he should outgrow. In addition, she told us to get him some over-the-counter allergy meds. Of course, somehow we didn't end up with her notes on that, so I have to call tomorrow to confirm what kind she'd like us to get. She mentioned a couple, and so far I've only found that Zyrtec is approved for babies his age, though Claritin has less side effects for kids. Perhaps at a certain dosage it's ok. Either way, it will be interesting to see how that goes. We've been wanting allergy meds for him for months, and it will be interesting to see if they work. I mean, we know he's predisposed to allergies and asthma from us. Though it turned out to be bronchiolitis, I'm still convinced that ragweed time started him off with the coughing. We were sick together, and it happened to be the same week that everyone was complaining about ragweed, my worst allergy. Coincidence? Maybe. But the fact that his cough has been worse in the last couple weeks makes me wonder if the massive amounts of pollen outside might be pushing that along. We shall see.
Jacob's biggest issue these days is eating. He was back down under 20 lbs. today, which doesn't surprise me at all since his feedings have been pretty awful. They'll range from 5 minutes up...his morning feeding is usually no more than 15-20 minutes, and he had some brutal ones over the weekend. Tonight, of course, he ate forever. Most nights are pretty decent. His bottles at daycare are anywhere from 5 oz. to 7 oz., and apparently it's a struggle most of the time. They've been trying everything, from putting it in his sippy cup, to playing with him in between and going back to it later. I've even been having issues at dinner time with solid foods. He hardly ate anything tonight. It's tough to tell what's going on. It could be that he just wants to get up and play now that he's crawling like a maniac. Or maybe he's uncomfortable from his post-nasal drip...I know I don't like swallowing much when mine is bad. Or maybe he's teething again. We can't see any teeth coming, but he's been chewing on everything almost non-stop. They've got to be coming soon, so I suppose that's a definite possibility. It definitely makes me nervous because I don't want him losing too much weight. I just don't know at what point I need to try to supplement with formula when he won't nurse. I know he'll eat when he's hungry, but God gave us parents for a reason so perhaps I need to step in. It's so tough to tell.
Jacob is definitely a handful these days, crawling around and getting into whatever he can. He ended up with a couple scratches and a little shiner today from his crawling exploits. I think he's getting braver and is trying some different moves, but his balance is not quite there yet and he's falling on his face a lot. Poor baby. Have I mentioned that he finally seems to have figured out raspberries? He doesn't do it a lot, but over the last week or so he finally figured out how to put his lips together and blow. It's still pretty cute because he hasn't started doing it at bad times, like while he's eating. He's getting very adept at finger foods, and that has been fun to watch. He was firing down Cheerios like crazy over the weekend. He's pretty amazing to watch these days as he figures things out and grows into a little boy more and more. I can only imagine what's in store...now if we could only get him healthy for the ride, that would be great!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Travel
If it weren't for Jacob, I would be in New York City right now. Though actually, I might be there if he were even a year older. The Knighthawks are playing the New York Titans in the first round of the playoffs. Craig left yesterday, and this morning over 250 fans boarded buses paid for by the team owner for a $10 (!) trip to the Big Apple. It was a great deal and in the past I would have been first in line. I love a random adventure like that. Even the thought of 12 hours on a bus in a 24-hour period wouldn't have dissuaded me. I haven't been to NYC since 2001 (pre-9/11) and would have loved to rewrite a memory or two since I'd like to forget my travel companion for my two trips there. This one wouldn't have been a long trip--literally the trip there, a few hours to grab dinner and maybe gawk at some architecture before heading to the game and back home right after. But to go to a playoff game and to NYC in general would have been pretty stinkin' cool, particularly for $10. As you may recall, I spent $450 two years ago to head to Phoenix for the Knighthawks championship game. It was worth every penny, particularly because they won. It was an amazing couple days, a surreal weekend that is still the epitome of freedom and adventure for me. I knew then that it was one of those situations that I wanted to take advantage of before having kids. Looking back on it all, from my perfect morning bike ride the day I left, to my first solo travel experience, to enjoying a couple of beers by the pool on an 85-degree evening with the championship trophy as the centerpiece, I just think of the amazing feeling of freedom and excitement that followed me that whole weekend. I knew it was a bit of a last hurrah since we were going to be trying to get pregnant that summer, and that was part of the reason I was so determined to go.
Fast forward two years and we have an amazing baby boy to fill our days. I wouldn't trade him for anything, obviously, but I'll admit there are days when I long for the simplicity of being able to do things whenever I want, at a moment's notice with minimal planning. Something as simple as a trip to the grocery store takes some strategizing, let alone a real trip of any length. Even if someone would have been able to watch Jacob for a day, I would have had to pump on the bus. Far from ideal. I know that one fan was planning on taking their 11-month old on the bus, but they are far more daring than me!! While he'd probably have slept for a good chunk of the ride, I can't imagine how fussy he'd be if he was awake, with not being able to get up and crawl around. Lugging him around NYC would have been a challenge, and by the end of the game he would have been wiped out and cranky. I think he'd have slept most of the trip back, but still....scary stuff. Maybe in a year or two when he's a little older, can walk on his own, and can be reasoned with a bit (I know, that's probably wishful thinking), if the opportunity presents itself we can give it a shot. But for now, no NYC for either of us. It just wasn't meant to be this time around, I guess.
Speaking of travel, I have been pondering our summer vacation plans for a while now, trying to figure out if there's a baby-friendly trip we could take. We've already got a long weekend in Pittsburgh with Craig's family planned for August. I think that will be a lot of fun, though that seems like a lifetime away right now because Jacob will be more than 13 months old by then. He could be walking, eating any number of new foods, and maybe even talking! Hard to imagine! But I'd like to do some sort of real vacation before then. I don't think I'm ready to leave Jacob behind yet, though I'm sure an adults-only trip would do wonders for Craig and me since we haven't had much "us" time in the last 10 months. But I think I would be spending most of the time thinking about and talking about Jacob, and the guilt of not being with him would be tough. So, I'm more than happy to go somewhere that he will enjoy, too. My first thought is the beach...low key but entertaining. I loved the Jersey shore and would love to go back. We could walk the boardwalk, play in the sand, dip our toes in the ocean, and enjoy the tacky shops and tasty snacks. Still, the thought of a 6+ hour car trip each way and packing for a week makes me crazy. That right there might defeat the purpose of a relaxing vacation. Still, it might be fun. Something to think about.
Well, the Knighthawks blew a late lead and lost in overtime. The season is over. I'm sad for Craig because I know how much he loves playoff runs and that was definitely not the way to lose a game. However, I am excited to start his first summer of freedom in many, many years. Every summer since our first full summer as a couple, Craig has worked at least one sport. He did color commentary for Rattlers (lacrosse) home games early on, and helped out with Rhinos (soccer) games as well. Soon he took over the Rattlers' play-by-play duties, which added six road trips to his schedule. Shortly thereafter, he took on greater responsibility with the Rhinos...including their 20-some home games. All of that definitely impacted our summer weekends, which were busy to begin with. The Rhinos were out of the picture last summer (the timing couldn't have been better!), and the Rattlers folded/moved this winter, so Craig is officially down to a normal 9 to 5 schedule (in theory) all summer. No games until October! I know he'll miss the travel and camaraderie, but it will be great to have him around. Lots of family parties, trips to the zoo, and whatever else we didn't have a chance to do the last seven years or so! Should be awesome...
Fast forward two years and we have an amazing baby boy to fill our days. I wouldn't trade him for anything, obviously, but I'll admit there are days when I long for the simplicity of being able to do things whenever I want, at a moment's notice with minimal planning. Something as simple as a trip to the grocery store takes some strategizing, let alone a real trip of any length. Even if someone would have been able to watch Jacob for a day, I would have had to pump on the bus. Far from ideal. I know that one fan was planning on taking their 11-month old on the bus, but they are far more daring than me!! While he'd probably have slept for a good chunk of the ride, I can't imagine how fussy he'd be if he was awake, with not being able to get up and crawl around. Lugging him around NYC would have been a challenge, and by the end of the game he would have been wiped out and cranky. I think he'd have slept most of the trip back, but still....scary stuff. Maybe in a year or two when he's a little older, can walk on his own, and can be reasoned with a bit (I know, that's probably wishful thinking), if the opportunity presents itself we can give it a shot. But for now, no NYC for either of us. It just wasn't meant to be this time around, I guess.
Speaking of travel, I have been pondering our summer vacation plans for a while now, trying to figure out if there's a baby-friendly trip we could take. We've already got a long weekend in Pittsburgh with Craig's family planned for August. I think that will be a lot of fun, though that seems like a lifetime away right now because Jacob will be more than 13 months old by then. He could be walking, eating any number of new foods, and maybe even talking! Hard to imagine! But I'd like to do some sort of real vacation before then. I don't think I'm ready to leave Jacob behind yet, though I'm sure an adults-only trip would do wonders for Craig and me since we haven't had much "us" time in the last 10 months. But I think I would be spending most of the time thinking about and talking about Jacob, and the guilt of not being with him would be tough. So, I'm more than happy to go somewhere that he will enjoy, too. My first thought is the beach...low key but entertaining. I loved the Jersey shore and would love to go back. We could walk the boardwalk, play in the sand, dip our toes in the ocean, and enjoy the tacky shops and tasty snacks. Still, the thought of a 6+ hour car trip each way and packing for a week makes me crazy. That right there might defeat the purpose of a relaxing vacation. Still, it might be fun. Something to think about.
Well, the Knighthawks blew a late lead and lost in overtime. The season is over. I'm sad for Craig because I know how much he loves playoff runs and that was definitely not the way to lose a game. However, I am excited to start his first summer of freedom in many, many years. Every summer since our first full summer as a couple, Craig has worked at least one sport. He did color commentary for Rattlers (lacrosse) home games early on, and helped out with Rhinos (soccer) games as well. Soon he took over the Rattlers' play-by-play duties, which added six road trips to his schedule. Shortly thereafter, he took on greater responsibility with the Rhinos...including their 20-some home games. All of that definitely impacted our summer weekends, which were busy to begin with. The Rhinos were out of the picture last summer (the timing couldn't have been better!), and the Rattlers folded/moved this winter, so Craig is officially down to a normal 9 to 5 schedule (in theory) all summer. No games until October! I know he'll miss the travel and camaraderie, but it will be great to have him around. Lots of family parties, trips to the zoo, and whatever else we didn't have a chance to do the last seven years or so! Should be awesome...
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