Holding Pattern

Sorry it's been a quiet few weeks around here.  We haven't had a whole lot of stand-out stuff happening, but life in general is keeping things pretty busy on its own.  These days it's been work, shuttling Jacob around, a daily long Walktober walk, dinner, and quiet time before staying up too late doom-scrolling and decompressing, and then doing it all over again the next day.  It's not terrible, by any means, but also, I'm sort of tired.

This has certainly been an interesting journey these last couple months.  I think we've landed about where I figured we would: Carter and I living relatively quietly, me spending more time driving back and forth to Pittsford than I might prefer (but happy to do my share), and Craig feeling a bit overwhelmed with full-time work and Jacob being a part-time job on his own.  The food situation is also about where I figured.  Despite Jacob's claims to want to learn how to cook, he's pretty much mastered one dish--tacos--and the rest of their nights are either takeout, quick prep meals, or coming over to the house.  I don't mind having them over, but it has been a bit more challenging than I expected to keep stocked on things they can eat with us.  I've focused a lot on Carter's and my new meal explorations (or the cheaper, non-gluten-free versions), and as a result, some of the things I used to keep stocked are either forgotten from lack of use, risk going bad from infrequent use, or are lacking the storage space to stay stocked because there are other things in their place.  Jacob is also still very particular about what he will eat, either because of cross-contamination concerns or just general health.  He ended up weighing a bit more at his last doctor appointment than he was expecting, so I think that's only going to get more challenging to figure out what he's okay with eating.

Jacob's schedule is also pretty busy, between workouts, informal practices, weight training with the team, and school work, so it probably doesn't lend itself to as many visits as expected.  We have spent a decent amount of weekend time together, which is nice, but admittedly, I appreciate the quiet again once it's over.  I guess that's a preview of college and/or grandparent life, perhaps?  I miss them both--but it's become quite clear in his absence that Jacob is a LOT and can really swing the mood of the house very quickly.  I do spend quite a bit of time on the phone with him, and obviously do my share of chauffeuring him around, and inevitably he will bring up some topic to debate, at which point I'm like, I don't want the limited time I spend with you to be spent arguing about some point you feel compelled to make.  One funny side effect of Jacob being gone is that Carter now sits on the couch sometimes, pretty much for the first time since we got it exactly seven years ago (wait, seriously? That's actually a little crazy that it's been that long already.  The pandemic time warp is WILD.).

I miss Craig, too, though it's maybe become clear to me that we weren't actually getting in enough quality time before this, as my existence hasn't changed a whole lot aside from sleeping alone, which, I'll be honest, isn't the worst thing for my sleep quality.  But I miss the closeness and the conversations that don't take place with Jacob also on speaker.  We do need to make more of a point of setting up dates, but I feel like he's pretty overwhelmed with his schedule right now, so I'm waiting to see if that evolves a bit.  I miss the teamwork and I do worry about long-term effects of all of this on our ability to bond, but it is a good reminder that strong relationships take effort.  We just need to hope we both have the time and energy to give it the attention it needs.

Jacob still isn't playing basketball at the moment.  He's taking a contact break pretty much until the season starts to give his brain time to rest from the concussions.  He's been cleared to resume contact, but I think he's going to be very choosy about what he does.  He had an MRI last week that came back clear, so at least he's not dealing with any sort of physical injury to the tissue or vessels.  He was still dealing with some headaches and dizziness until recently, but he's continued working out and shooting. Some days are harder than others, but he seems to be getting closer to normal.  He's also been a little iffy about his shin again lately, but he's been doing treatments to try to keep that under control.  I think for that, it's mostly how much pain he can manage, rather than something that's actually doing damage.  

Jacob still seems to be settling into school life.  He got a little behind on work when he had his concussion and then a cold, so he's been trying to get those things sorted out and get his grades back up.  He's still figuring out the friend situation, too.  He knows the basketball guys, but he's not really in the group.  And honestly, he's not really sure he wants to be because they are definitely a bit more party-focused than anything.  I think he's a little disillusioned by rich kids, given the lack of parental supervision and general focus on the fraternity life.  Not literally for now, but that's the general vibe and the goal for many of them seems to be to go to school down south, join a frat, and party.  Definitely not his vibe.  I think he will feel more settled when the season officially starts, all the multi-sport kids are there, and they see each other every day.  It doesn't help that he's not in school that much, and generally not during social things like lunch, so I think making connections is hard.  And he's still very "all business" about things, so his personal relationships are tough if people aren't as into basketball and working out as he is.  Oddly, last week I realized an old boss of mine that I still work with has a son who's in Jacob's school and grade.  And when I talked to her about it, she mentioned two of his best friends are basketball players, and it turns out they're two guys I know Jacob knows.  But he insists he doesn't know her son.  Doubtful, but I suppose it should happen eventually if they're in the same circles.  I just feel like this school was supposed to give him friends that felt a bit more similar to him than his other schools, so maybe it seemed like it would be easier, but I think it's proving a bit more challenging to insert himself into the established cliques.  I did tell him that making actual friends with these guys might make it easier for them to get on board with him being on the team and potentially taking some of the minutes or attention others were expecting.  As my co-worker said, "They've been playing together for years," so I don't want them feeling like he's intruding.  We'll see in another few weeks, I guess.

Carter is still on his break from baseball.  It's hard for him to gauge how it's doing because he hasn't been running on it, which is what mostly made it hurt.  Walking only hurt after running, so his daily life isn't giving us much insight.  It's still not clear what happened or why he has this problem, but I guess we just have to see what happens when he gets active again.  Otherwise, he's pretty much a typical teenager these days.  He's a generally decent kid, albeit a bit moody and stubborn at times, and quickly offended when something happens that he deems annoying, but he's definitely the easier kid to live with.  Most recently he was annoyed because I kept forgetting to wax his unibrow, and he's grouchy about the state of his clothes because he's outgrown a ton and we're in the process of figuring out what he needs for the winter.  He's still wearing shorts most days, even when it's 35 degrees in the morning, so I guess he's one of those kids now.  I'm hesitant to buy a ton of pants because he's still growing rapidly, but we'll chip away where we can when he finds ones that fit and there's good sales.  He did cook me dinner one night a couple weeks ago, which was really sweet.  He has this whole process of making a chicken sandwich, tater tots, and ramen, all with a Buffalo sauce kick, and he cooked the whole shebang for me.  Because of the many steps, it probably wasn't quite hot enough by the time we ate to get the full effect, but it was pretty impressive for 13-year-old and I appreciated his efforts.  He also decided dessert would be an ice cream sandwich dipped in chocolate shell and drizzled with caramel, which was honestly pretty fantastic.  He's a good kid.

As for me, I feel like I'm in a constant battle with my body right now.  I'm still doing PT for my elbows (both now) and my shoulder impingement.  I'm convinced it's all being caused by a slipped disc or something along those lines.  I've had a cranky, stiff, tense neck and upper spine for a few years, and given that wrist braces haven't stopped the night numbness in my hands and arms, I suspect the issue is further up in my neck and shoulders.  My PT and I are doing a few things in that realm, but I think I'll eventually have to go back to the spine doctor (who I saw last winter after my ER visit for back pain).  I've had my reflux flaring up over the last month or so, which has been rough.  I've taken omeprazole and famotidine to no avail at times, and any food (or no food) can trigger it.  I swear my probiotic impacts it, as my last delivery was late and its absence seemed to trigger a rough couple weeks.  I'm seeing the GI this week as I'd like to explore causes for it, not just treatments, as they're not working anyway and I know I have throat damage that could lead to cancer.  

And then there's my non-ADHD executive dysfunction that's making everything harder.  It's really starting to impact so many parts of my life, and at this point I'm convinced I need medication.  It's so clear to me that things that used to be easy or natural for me no longer are, and there's no reason there would be such a distinct shift outside of hormone changes impacting my brain chemistry.  I used to be able to plan a week's worth of dinners, and now it feels overwhelming and confusing.  I struggle to tackle big or longstanding tasks around the house because my head builds it up bigger than it needs to be.  Anything that involves more than a few baby steps of brain space or coordinating feels like too much until my brain works up to it (or it just becomes absolutely necessary).  Even blogging here has been challenging because it forces me to think about things, decide what to share, and spend a period of time doing it.  That was never the case before, as this has long been my version of therapy, so it's clear to me something is up.  The thing is, I have two kids with ADHD, so it's not a stretch that I have it.  Maybe I always have and I was just good at masking.  And because of my kids, I know the pitfalls and understand some of the techniques to use.  The problem now is that my brain just can't get over the hump to do those things.  No matter how much I know what needs to happen and why, it takes a very fortunate moment of clarity, confidence, or panic to make it happen.  Don't even ask me how long "dust my bedroom" has been on my to-do list.  It took me about two weeks to finish vacuuming all of the main floor of the house.  Calling for appointments and other things takes forever.  I skip over emails until I have the brain space to tackle them.  It's not efficient and it's not enjoyable, and often the procrastination means I run out of time for things I might actually want to do.  And even then, sometimes doing things that are typically fun for me feels like too much work to tackle.  It's exhausting.  Appropriately, a call to the medication nurse at my mental health practice sat on my list for days waiting for my next burst of mental energy, but that appointment is happening this week as well.

Last weekend I took a day trip to Buffalo, mostly to hang out with my mom and go to our old church's bazaar.  We had a nice time shopping and running into family and old friends, grabbing lunch, and taking a long walk.  In between all of that, my dad caught me a bit off-guard with a political question and he did not like my answer, which I actually thought had a lot of good sense behind it.  He stewed about it while we were walking and then got rather nasty to me upon our return, saying it was the worst day of his life (because I'm so misguided these days, apparently) and telling me to get out of the house.  Now, he'd definitely had a beverage or two, and his steady diet of extreme Fox News talking points has him quite fired up.  But it was very over the top.  My mom and I retreated to her room for a bit while she packed for their upcoming trip, which kept some distance since he's still not getting around super well with his healing broken ankle.  But the nastiness picked up again and I had to leave.  It was a sad way to say goodbye before their trip.  He sent me a bunch of videos that day to try to "educate" me, but I've honestly just had to let it go for now.  I did send my mom an account to follow that reflects a lot of why my politics have shifted, so hopefully that at least helps her understand that I have biblically sound reasons for my choices.  I don't think I can reach him, but as long as she's at peace with it, I will feel a bit better.  Of course, Thanksgiving is coming, so who knows what that will look like.

But first, we did have Halloween.  Not a whole lot to report there, but that will be for the next post...

Reconnecting, Recalibrating, and Finding Beauty

Fall is officially upon us, and I'm honestly still playing catch-up to that fact.  I don't know if I just didn't get enough of a typical summer, or if I'm just in denial that another winter is coming quickly, but it's October and I'm still getting irrationally angry when the temperature drops below 60.  The other morning it was in the 30s, and we're clearly on the cusp of frost, so I'm feeling a lot of feelings about that.  Selfishly, I want my pumpkins to keep growing and my Walktober walks to be comfortable.  And yes, for the first time ever I have pumpkins!  I have a light colored warty one, a tiny yellow gourd, and a smooth white one, plus a couple others that are still too small to tell.  I'm so excited, but that's why I'm extra nervous about frost!  But I think I'm going to do pumpkin seed roulette every year now, because it's been fun to watch them grow.

I'm also reeling from the fact that it's pretty much fully dark at 7pm these days, as that makes my walks even more challenging.  Sorry to Carter who currently needs to wait for dinner until I get my steps in.  And by the time my work walking challenge is over, the time will change and we'll be at 5pm sunsets.  Ewwww.

We're so deep into fall already that my beloved Oktoberfest came and went.  It's one of my favorite times of year when I get to watch the festivities from afar via webcam and dream of going there someday.  The lights, the rides, the pretzels, the drunken singing...it looks so fun.  Of course, on the first day of Oktoberfest, Carter had a baseball game and I had to wear the shirt the boys bought me when they went to a game in Reading, PA:

Now Oktoberfest is over and I'm watching in amazement as they rapidly deconstruct the whole thing.  It's fascinating, but also such a bummer.  Of course, Christmas markets are just around the corner!

When I took that picture of my shirt, I had no idea that would be Carter's last baseball game for a while.  He was having some pain in his ankle and by the following week's practice, he wasn't sure he could run on it.  After getting an unsatisfactory response from his pediatrician (wear an ankle brace, he said), Craig pulled strings and got him into the same Knighthawks team doctor that Jacob has worked with a bunch, and sure enough, an MRI showed bone marrow edema--essentially a stress reaction like Jacob has had--and a bunch of damage from a past ankle injury.  However, none of us remember Carter ever spraining his ankle, at least not to the degree that it appears it would have been, given the degree of damage.  So, I've been running scenarios ever since.  Can his ulcerative colitis meds cause or accelerate damage?  Was the foot issue he's been dealing with since the winter actually some sort of referred pain?  Did his body grow too fast over the last year?  Does he just have a high pain tolerance?  Regardless, he's out of baseball for the next month, which effectively ends his fall season.  He was doing well despite playing against bigger, older kids, so it's a bummer to not see that through.  He's taking it well--maybe better than us.

Jacob is...Jacob.  He had a man-cold last week and has been working through post-concussion stuff for a few weeks, but is slowly getting back to normal.  He likely won't play with contact until November, but he's getting up shots and working out pretty frequently.  School is sort of a mixed bag.  He struggled with being able to be in school while he was recovering, and then he got the cold, so he once again dug himself a bit of a hole with school work.  He's struggling to fit in but is starting to realize he needs to make an effort to make friends.  He feels weird about living in an apartment and frustrated with not having a car, which makes him feel like an outsider there.  He did finally go to a school event the other night, a senior bonfire, and apparently it went pretty well.  He got introduced to some other athletes and had a chance to get to know some of the guys better.  I think he's starting to realize that he hasn't had a typical high school experience and maybe feels like he needs to play catch-up (including in the girl department), but he just hasn't had many normal friendships over the years--at least ones that weren't tied to sports or felt limited by vastly different backgrounds.  I think he'll get there.  Part of his frustration is that his schedule is tough for us to work around because he gets out of school in the middle of the day.  He doesn't like when we can't get him home, or to a workout, or pick him up from the recovery place at the times he wants.  I get it, but also...there is nothing about this that is ideal for any of us, so asking for some patience with our work schedules doesn't seem out of the realm of fairness.  He wanted this and may have misunderstood what it might entail (or, perhaps, there are things that none of us quite expected), so while I get that it's frustrating, we literally reorganized our entire lives to make this happen, and it's discouraging that he's giving us grief about it now.  We're doing our best, and apparently it's not good enough.  All of this is definitely still a work-in-progress.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get back in my own groove.  There's definitely less to keep me occupied with only two people in the house, and that part has been nice.  I've been able to tame a bunch of the stressful messes, and certain things just feel simpler.  Evenings are quiet.  And yet...I'm still not as productive as I'd like to be, or as I maybe expected to be once the constant overstimulation wore off.  I was talking with my therapist the other day about burnout, and she brought up that I might not know what to do with that peace, so I feel a bit untethered.  She might be right, but as much as she was touting self-care, I feel like I'm stuck between extremes--half the time I'm still overwhelmed with the endless list of things I have to do, or I do so well with the self-care that I let things go too long and end up with a mess.  I can just tell that my mental energy is still depleted, as any task that involves more than a minimal amount of brain space usually gets pushed off.  I still can't plan for dinner, still have email and physical mail that I ignore for days, and getting through some work projects feels impossible.  My focus and willingness to think deeply just aren't there.  Even blogging here has been a struggle because some of it involves thinking about these tough things, or even just deciding what I want to say with whatever subject I'm writing about, and some days even that feels like too much.  That is definitely a change from the past, and it follows the pattern of perimenopause-induced estrogen decrease.  That is both reassuring and incredibly annoying, as I have so much to do but have so little willpower or motivation.  I really feel like some sort of meds need to be in my future, even just to prove a point and--much like my kids back in the day--give me my confidence back.  But that is a work in progress right now, as my ADHD specialist is on medical leave and I need to find a new one.

In other news, one of those self-care moments I took advantage of was taking a Friday afternoon off and going to a Fringe Festival show featuring a former colleague of mine.  She is a transgender woman and has taught me so much about transgender folks and their struggles.  When she transitioned a number of years ago, it caught me completely off-guard and I felt terrible that I never knew how intense an internal struggle she'd been dealing with behind a sweet, friendly facade.  It made me realize that for many people, it was likely a last resort to maintain their sanity, not something to fear or demonize.  In the years since, she has blossomed into a strong, beautiful woman and it's clear this change has been good for her.  She was once a college football player, and her show was a humorous recollection about telling one of her gruff former teammates about her decision to transition.  It all culminated in the last part where her drunken teammate just kept repeating, "I don't get it," and she worried about what might happen next.  But then, after the last, "I don't get it" came, after it was "but I support you."  And with that, she concluded, "And that's how you support the transgender community!"  Yup, that about covers it.  It was great to see her after and get a few minutes to chat.  Her strength amazes me.  

Fortunately, the show was at the MAG, so I was able to do my usual 20-minute walkthrough to see my favorites and check for any new pieces.  As always, a few struck me anew... 

Pretty sure I've noticed this one before but I absolutely LOVE the realism of the glowing, neon orange clouds in the sunset.  It's one of my favorite sunset features, and they captured it perfectly.

It was so nice to have a little afternoon for myself, especially post-COVID (I tested out that morning) and on a lovely day at that.  

With the double COVID in our house and then Jacob's cold right after, we still haven't settled into our new normal during the week as much as I'd like.  We did do dinner together a few times in the last week, which was nice, but it's been tough to stay connected.  We did have a couple nice connections that following weekend, though.  Craig, Carter and I went out to dinner on Saturday night.  We opted for Applebee's--Carter's choice, as apparently he enjoyed our last trip--and the sky did this as we were driving there:

It was stunning.  We had a good dinner, although service was pretty slow.  I had my old Applebee's go-to, the chicken fajita wrap, for the first time in many years.  It was a staple of my late teens and early 20s, and brought back memories of Applebee's lunches with my grandma, aunts, and cousins.

I was extra excited about Sunday, though.  Craig and I had a date day planned!  One of my very favorite bands, Switchfoot, was performing at a winery in the Finger Lakes, and I so wanted to go.  I had tried to recruit Mary, my usual concert buddy, but she knew she'd be in the process of packing and moving into her new townhouse, so she declined.  I offered it up to Craig and he agreed to go.  I don't know that he quite knew what he was getting into, but we've had so little time together and especially away from the kids since the move that I probably could have suggested watching paint dry by ourselves and he'd have said yes.  We did have to drive an hour and a half each way, which was a little less than ideal once the rain started.  It hadn't rained in probably a week, and of course that day a nor'easter popped up the coast that just made it up our way.  We only got a glancing blow compared to most of the east coast, so I can't complain, but it was enough to make a half-outside venue less than ideal.  Fortunately, the performance space itself was mostly immune to the rain.  It was a semi-permanent tent, with super sturdy steel beam supports and protective side panels.  It was maybe a little cool in there since it was a chilly day, but the rain stayed out.  It was a smaller venue than Switchfoot tends to play, but it was such a cool, intimate little show.  The opening act was a band called Anberlin, who I know I've heard of but never really listened to.  I ended up really liking them!  They were a little harder than my usual, but they had a great sound and I really need to start listening to their albums one by one to see which ones I want to buy.  And then there was Switchfoot, the band I saw live and loved in the late 90s, but didn't buy a CD of for years because I wasn't sure which one to buy on my limited college student budget.  Years later my friend bought me one of their CDs as a gift, and I was hooked.  Ironically, I found their first three CDs in a multipack at Target completely randomly after that, for the price of a single CD, and slowly got myself caught up.  And to this day they are one of my absolute go-to bands that usually gets at least two albums each time I load my USB drive for my car music.  They just put out a new CD late this summer, and after being a bit "meh" about the one before that (pretty much first time ever, although their first album or two feel quite different now, so they maybe aren't in regular rotation), this one completely hit the mark for me.  It's rare that I go to a show for a new album and get excited about the new stuff they play, but for this one, I did.  And even better, they played some really old stuff, which also made me super happy and marvel at how a band can essentially grow up with you through all the ages and stages of life.  Nearly everything they played was really relevant stuff to so much of what's happening right now--trying to find the good in life despite so many troubles and so much anxiety.  Their albums touch on that a lot, but I'm not sure I ever realized just how consistent a narrative they've been sharing all these years until I heard so many of those songs all together.  It was truly incredible.

And of course, the time with Craig was nice, with the bonus that I think he actually enjoyed it and became a bit of a fan himself.

One song in particular, Beautiful Life, really seemed to resonate with him.  It's my favorite off this album, for sure.

 
It ended up being really cool to share that part of me with him after all these years.

The pavilion attached to the tent was so pretty.  Not pictured, a gorgeous stone fireplace.  It would be a great spot for a wedding reception.

Sadly, the rain ruined the view, but when it's nice, it must be stunning up there.  The lake (Keuka) is down there somewhere.  There were also some gorgeous lake houses along the way.  Switchfoot kept joking about feeling like they were performing in a cloud, and they weren't wrong.  It looked much worse than this for most of the show.

It was a nice date day to try to reconnect and override our current separation.  Of course, we did have Jacob calling incessantly, and at one point on the drive back, we each had one kid on the phone at the same time, talking each of them through their dinner preparation!  So much for alone time, but we got close!

And with that, it was back to reality and an extra long week.  On Tuesday was Carter's MRI that brought the bad news about his baseball season.  Craig sent me this picture, and is it just me or does it look like he's about ready to go perform surgery?  He looks so grown up--and like a natural in scrubs, no?

On Wednesday morning I caught this cool view out our back door.  It's rare that I've seen much color back there, as it faces north, and certainly not this very interesting pink pillar of light.  It felt notable to get a new view after 16 years here.

On Wednesday evening, I had a very long overdue happy hour with my old boss, Erin.  We have always stayed connected on Facebook since she left in 2021, and she is actually Facebook friends with my dad, too, because she went to work for his alma mater, Alfred University, and they connected at a couple events.  She still lives in town because her husband is still the URochester football coach, and as much as we'd said, "We need to get together", it took this long to finally make it happen.  We caught up on all the things for a couple hours--Jacob's saga, her empty nest life with one kid in grad school and the other in college, and all of the work gossip.  It was so great to reconnect and provided some much needed friend time (and a great moscato!).

Later in the week I caught this on my way in from my walk, and as pretty as it was, it wasn't even a tiny bit as gorgeous as it apparently got a few minutes later while I was preoccupied with other things.  It got intensely red and orange.  Darn.

My extra long work week was because it was Meliora Weekend, meaning I had a couple very extroverted days on campus.  Overall they went well, even if I was falling asleep by 9pm!  On Saturday I had a golf cart shift, which is always risky but usually ends up being my favorite part.  This was no exception, as I met some lovely people, heard some cool stories, drove around the amazing Fleetwood Mac cover band, Seven Wonders, and ran into a couple former colleagues.  I also caught a few outstanding moments of beauty.  At one point I was driving by the Interfaith Chapel and I could tell the light was coming through the stained glass perfectly.  I took a quick break and parked my cart to run in, and I caught this:

The camera doesn't even do it justice.  Stunning.

Back outside, the sun shone perfectly on the dome of Rush Rhees...twice!  This was the first one.

In the meantime, I ventured into the brand new Catholic life building on campus.  The chapel there is so peaceful.

You know me and my love for anything glass or glass-adjacent, and this mosaic of the Newman Community's namesake was no exception.  The gold accents were stunning, but it was so well done.

Outside, the sun was shining through the stained glass, which I captured through the big front window.  I believe the big windows will eventually be stained glass as well.  There were two renderings in the building, and I assume the more specific one--a dandelion theme for the school's official flower--is the final one, while the other was the original generic version.  It will be beautiful either way, though.

This was the second time Rush Rhees was perfectly highlighted.  It was so bright compared to the dusky night at that point.

I didn't mind staying a little late and helping out while it was busy, but in the end, it took me forever to turn in my golf cart as I kept getting flagged down by people whenever I was ready to be done.  As I was finally walking to my car nearly two hours late, I spotted this window I've never noticed before, high up in the library.  It has the old shield on it, the version we just replaced, much to many people's chagrin.  It's awfully pretty up there, though.
 

We wrapped up the weekend on Sunday with a quick trip to the Hilton Apple Fest, and then Carter and I stopped for porch pumpkins on the way home before heading to dinner at the apartment.  It was a full weekend, but a good one.  But it's always so hard to go back to work after only one day of rest, so this week felt a bit challenging between making up for lost time at the house, making all of our various appointments, dealing with some of Jacob's frustrations with our setup, and finding the energy to do anything in the evening after all of that.  I am immensely jealous of the kids' four-day weekend coming up, that's for sure.  Hopefully sleep and a little family time will be in my future!

Out of Sorts

The only way I can really describe the past month is that it has had me feeling very out of sorts.  There are a lot of reasons for that, many of which come back to our new living situation and the resulting family dynamics, but there are also a bunch of other things that kept things just shy of normal.

For one, Carter got in all of two days of school before he came down with what we thought was a cold.  He started school Tuesday and woke up congested Thursday, and because I feel like there's been some low level of congestion floating around our family for weeks (much of which I blame on ragweed allergy season), it just seemed like it had finally hit.  He didn't feel terrible, just congested.  He had a low-grade fever when I checked him that morning, which should maybe have been a red flag, but he had just woken up and had been snuggled up in bed, which typically raises it.  And it was gone later that day.  I meant to test him Friday but I had work, then we let him go to baseball practice (it was outside and his energy level was OK), and then we had to grab a late dinner.  I forgot to do it then, and I was soundly chastised by Jacob when he and Craig came to pick up Carter before Saturday's first game of the fall season, so they could do batting practice prior.  Carter actually played well despite essentially playing up (mostly 14-16 year-olds), getting one of three hits, getting a clutch steal, and making a great catch.  But we tested as soon as we got home, and...oops...COVID.  I felt bad, but honestly, he didn't have the usual early-stage misery that I feel like COVID usually entails.  And of course, I had plenty of exposure during that time as a result of not thinking it was more than a cold, so guess who came down with symptoms starting on Sunday?  Mine came on as a headache and some extra congestion, but nothing terrible.  Overnight I felt sort of achy and uncomfortable, but not the usual feverish misery I typically have early on.  By Monday morning everything was a bit worse and the tiredness set in.  I took a sick day and laid low.  By Tuesday, the headache had eased and my energy was back, and by Friday I tested and it was only the faintest line that you needed good light and glasses to see.  It never really got as bad as it has in the past for me, which was a relief.

As for Carter, he was just consistently congested but otherwise fine.  He ended up missing four days of school, though.  Even though his test was fainter but still positive on Tuesday, I let him go back Wednesday.  He was really freaking out about missing more time, and his symptoms had mostly resolved at that point.  We couldn't keep him out forever--after all, even just this past weekend, more than two full weeks out, his test was still the faintest positive.  He had the same issue with the flu last winter, and I think with his immunocompromised state, it just takes forever for it to clear.  I hate that he was out of school so long as it was, but what can we do?  I don't want to cause the same problem for other kids.  I started pushing harder for his 504 plan for this exact reason--he needs time to catch up on all of his assignments, even though he's always in touch with teachers throughout.  This will happen multiple times this year, so we need to support him however we can.  I had a great conversation with the nurse and a counselor, so hopefully we can get that set soon.

I have to say, if we did have to be sick, it was sort of nice to both have it at the same time, and without anyone else in the house.  Not only did we not have to quarantine and walk on eggshells around Jacob, but we could actually hang out, together, in any room of the house.  We could eat together and not feel isolated for a week.  It made the whole thing much more tolerable, especially since neither of us felt terrible.

But before all of that, here was Carter's first day of school picture:

He looks so tall!  Unfortunately, Craig didn't take one of Jacob.  I was hoping to take a fake one over the following weekend so we had the official first and last in the same spot, but the COVID thing messed that up, so hopefully I can do a very belated one once Jacob will let himself be around Carter.

Jacob has been settling in okay, I guess.  This school is the polar opposite of his old schools, but I think he still feels a bit on the outs.  Now, he visually fits right in, but I think he feels a bit like an outsider because there are a lot of rich kids there, and he's currently the one living in an apartment and not taking trips to Europe or driving a BMW.  Plus he's coming into a new school as a senior, which is tough--and maybe tougher than other schools would be because these kids have known each other forever and honestly probably have fewer comings and goings in their school than most.  Jacob's last schools were essentially revolving doors, but once people get into this district, they tend to stay there.  Jacob's also in a tougher spot because he has a very short school day.  It turned out he probably could have graduated early with the credits he's amassed, but obviously part of the reason we're doing this is for one more year of basketball to allow him to get recruited, and it also wouldn't hurt to pick up a few more classes ahead of college, notably Regents Chemistry and Precalculus.  So he goes in late and leaves around lunch time.  It's a little strange, but it might be what keeps him sane this year as senioritis takes over.  I think he has the potential to fit in better, especially once basketball season starts and he hopefully acquires a fan base, as usually happens.  I'll admit, though, that even I felt pretty awkward at his open house.  I've always felt like Pittsford moms have a certain look--we've played against enough of them over the years--and open house night did nothing to change that perception.  Well-dressed, modern, put-together--everything some money and prestige makes happen.  I will say there were more couples than I've maybe ever seen at something like that, so at least Craig and I were together to fit in that way.  But the irony, of course, is that we're technically/legally separated (UGH) so that little "secret" probably made everything feel weirder.  And as I've said before, I have no idea how to broach the idea of striking up friendships when our living situation is super weird and could look like borderline cheating (we're absolutely legal but it sounds sketchy) is so awkward.  I fear that normal conversation veers into things like, oh, where in Pittsford do you live, or where does your younger son go to school, or when did you move to the district, or you look awfully happy together to be living separately?  Those could be completely natural conversation questions and I fear a deer-in-the-headlights/stumbling response could put up red flags that don't need to be there.  That will be more of an issue during basketball season, but open house felt like a preview.  We did meet some of his teachers, which was interesting.  The school is nice, but actually very confusing!  But it will be a good gym to watch basketball in, I think.

Of course, Jacob got another minor concussion a couple weeks ago, so he won't be playing anytime soon.  It just takes the slightest bump now, so he's going to be very close to having to retire medically if it happens again.  That's obviously not ideal for a lot of reasons, but he seems pretty calm about it right now.  Maybe his new anxiety meds are doing their job?  I mean, he's overthinking it as usual, but he's almost a little too matter-of-fact about what it might mean.  And that's actually a little frustrating to us as parents who have completely rearranged their lives and marriage to give him a good option for this year, that he would just quit on a dime if it happened again.  I get it, but...ughhh.  It's pretty crushing as a parent, though, knowing that your kid is having to come to terms with a future that might look significantly different than he'd always planned.  It's also not ideal with trying to figure out colleges and all of that, and basketball being in or out definitely impacts those decisions.  He's at least starting to look into applying to colleges, so at least there's a tiny bit of progress.

As for the whole split household thing, it's definitely a bit strange.  On one hand, I appreciate the lower-key existence.  So much of our household centered on Jacob, from the food to the activities to the noise.  When it's just Carter and me, it's so much quieter, dinner is simpler, clutter is reduced, and mornings aren't quite as hectic.  Carter and I are enjoying trying new dinner options.  I've definitely dug back into my old convenience food menu a bit.  We can eat things like Knorr pasta sides or Pasta Roni, standard breaded chicken tenders, gluten-filled Texas toast, or really whatever we want without Jacob complaining about the taste, the amount, or how I prepared it.  I'm still struggling some days to readjust to two people (especially with meat), or figure out what meals I should save for when the rest of the crew comes over, but it's nice to feel like I have options.  I still can't plan ahead very well, which was an issue I hoped would resolve when Jacob's parameters were no longer part of the equation.  I definitely feel like that's an ADHD red flag to bring up to my therapist, but at least this is a little easier to manage.

While I absolutely miss parts of having them here, my brain is sort of grateful for the mental break in multiple areas.  Last weekend I cleaned up most of the remaining piles and other clutter that Jacob left behind.  I can't even tell you how much it helped my mental state to have open areas and to not have this instinctual "you need to be cleaning something" feeling nagging me all the time.  I guess it was nice to validate what I'd been saying to Jacob for years, that my anxiety level would most certainly be lower without those things happening all over the house.  I also don't miss the constant mix of overthinking, obnoxious jokes, and video game taunting that has been the soundtrack of our evenings for years.  I love Jacob, but he can be super overstimulating.  Fear not, I still usually get 2-3 calls daily to talk through things or be trolled in some way, but losing the steady stream has been good for my nervous system.  I don't love that Craig is getting a full dose, however.

But even in the relative peace we have right now, my brain also realizes that something is missing, which is throwing it off in different ways.  It just feels off in a slightly unsettling way...like when everything seems okay, but you get that nagging feeling you're forgetting something.  I suspect that once my brain has sort of recovered from years of overstimulation and anxiety, the newness will wear off and reality will set in.  Ten months feels like a really long time right now.  It's complicated to parent from two separate places and try to maintain a marriage, and we've only been doing it for a few weeks.  And as much as I want to wish it away, rushing through it will usher in challenges of its own--college for Jacob, high school for Carter, and probably lots of other changes I'm not ready for.  So I guess for now I'm taking it one day and one week at a time.  The past few weeks have been extra tough since Jacob still doesn't want to be around Carter, meaning we haven't been able to have dinners together or any time to hang out.  Craig came in for a few minutes last week in a mask when he mowed the lawn and picked up a couple packages, and quickly again the following weekend.  We did have some outside time at Carter's game last Saturday, which was nice.  Otherwise, it's just a lot of phone calls to keep us connected.  Craig did spent some time at the house this past Saturday and we were able to have a date day Sunday, which was amazing.  I'll share more about that later.

The other recent development is that Carter is having some sort of ankle/leg issue that's keeping him out of baseball for a few weeks.  They couldn't see a fracture (or anything else concerning, like a tumor or bone cyst like Jacob had) on an x-ray this week, but he's getting an MRI tomorrow to double check that and look for some other things.  He has grown a ton in the past year--now over 50 pounds and probably 4-5 inches, so it wouldn't be surprising if his body is having a little trouble keeping up.  Hopefully they can figure out what the issue is so he can get back to playing soon.

Otherwise, we're just keepin' on right now.  I can't believe September is almost over already.  October usually goes fast, so I'm mentally preparing for the holiday rush to arrive sooner than I'm ready for.  The slow disappearance of summer weather (and daylight) has been a tough adjustment this year.  The leaves have barely started changing, which shows that it's been a nicer month than it seems, given the cooler weather we've had.  I like fall, but I always know what comes after.

Off now to another week (and a long one at that--my one working weekend of the year is upon us)...

Settling Back In

Getting back from Florida meant that it was time to officially face the big move to Pittsford.  We had to start settling in to our "new normal" in preparation for the start of school, though in the end they wanted to stick around at home a bit longer, mostly for the food, I suppose!  We have come to realize the boys will miss each other, which is probably the biggest irony of this whole thing.  Playing together on XBox will help, but the more time we can manage together, the better.  Hopefully we can find some weekends and evenings to spend together, though a little case of COVID (or two) has already put a crimp in that plan.  But more on that later.  

Amyway, we spent most of the week after we got back together at home.  We had a lot of appointments to catch up on after a week away, and then in the middle of all of that, my dad--fresh from the kidney stone debacle--broke his ankle.  He took some sort of misstep around the house and is now in a boot for a while.  Unfortunately, it meant they couldn't take a trip planned for a couple weeks later to Wisconsin for my uncle's celebration of life.  I did offer to come stay with my dad if my mom wanted to ride there with my cousin, but given the myriad of potential issues, my mom felt better about staying.  We did get to see her the following Saturday at Kevin and Lori's TCU season opening party, which was a fun change of pace.

The following Monday was my birthday.  The big 4-8.  Yikes.  I decided ahead of time to take that day off and finally do a long-overdue meetup with Heather and Mason (and Peter).  We had been planning to go to Strong Museum (again) because there was a Peanuts exhibit there this summer that was coming to an end, and both being from Peanuts households, we thought it would be fun.  Unfortunately, my birthday ended up being a gross, rainy day, which put a kink in my plan to finally get out into the board game garden at the museum (as it's never open when we're there at night or in colder weather).  But we had a great time nonetheless.  Since we had been to the museum around the new year, we had already done a lot of things and could just let Mason do whatever he wanted to do more of!

His favorite thing by far was this little stage.  We sat there many times watching him "perform" and serving us fake popcorn!    

Our favorite map fan also wanted to drive in the car with a "GPS"!

He also had fun making messages to send across the top of the pirate ship, and of course loved running through the crooked room!

The Peanuts room had some very cute photo ops!  

Waiting for the Great Pumpkin!

Linus made a blanket fort!

Joe Cool himself!

Plinko to determine Franklin's schedule!

Schroeder's piano!

The whole gang!

In Snoopy's doghouse!

Selfie with Chuck!

We had a lot of fun, and it was a great way to spend my birthday, with the friend that has known me the longest and my godson (who started Kindergarten the following week...like, how?!).  When I reunited with my guys that evening, we decided to go to a new place for dinner, Moo'd Burger Bar.  It had great gluten-free reviews, and the food was indeed delicious.  

My birthday week was another busy one, including Carter's latest infusion and a ton of work to complete, as I was still catching up from vacation.  I also had a fun plan for Carter's last official summer lunch.  We headed to the Pizza Hut in Brockport because they offer the buffet for lunch two days a week!  Like, the real buffet that hasn't really existed since before COVID!  It ended up being a bit of a wait--no surprise, it's popular!--but it was pretty much just like I remember it.  Carter definitely enjoyed himself!

The next day, we all went to the zoo for the first time in a long time, as the Knighthawks were participating in an event.  I don't think we'd been there since maybe early pandemic times.  It's sort of depressing that they still haven't built the tropics building that they were supposed to have built forever ago.  I miss the orangutans and the aviary and the charm of that old building.  Even with the natural playground that's there now, it just feels like a big empty space where that building used to be.  We were so excited to see the otters, as they have different ones than in the past that are so much more active.  We had a blast watching them wrestle and chase one another.

The lizards seemed to like the windows that day...

These frogs all nestled in the plant cracked me up.

The red panda was adorable...

...but the penguins were pretty much as inactive as usual.

We saw the sea lions from above and then saw the polar bear.  

She looked a little bored.

The lion is so regal.

The baboons gave us a close view of their interaction.

We saw the giraffes and zebras, too.  No great pictures, and honestly, after Animal Kingdom Lodge, seeing them was a little less exciting than usual.  We practically lived with them for a few days, after all!  

I thought this lizard was pretty cool looking!

And this was a very pretty bird!

We got a good view of the rhino...which made me think of the time I saw a tranquilizer dart in the one rhino's butt on our way out of the zoo.  

We got a lovely view of one of the elephants, too.
 

On our way out, we stopped to get the underwater view of the sea lions.  It was cool because there was a service dog there and the sea lions seemed really interested in it!

We went to Buffalo the next day to stop at the outlets (of course) and celebrate Craig's dad's birthday (and mine).  And with that, we just had a quiet Labor Day and summer was over.  Tuesday started a whole new world...but I'll get into that in another post!