Thankful*

 * Thankful for sure, but this year it wasn't easy.

It wasn't exactly the Thanksgiving we envisioned.  All that talk in my last post about holidays not working out as planned, and sure enough, this one joined the club.  My parents got back from their two-week cruise on Monday and one of their travel companions promptly tested positive for COVID.  She had been feeling like she had a sinus infection for a few days, and tested upon arrival at home.  But since my parents had spent significant time with her, we didn't feel comfortable spending time with them and possibly exposing ourselves.  They tested negative for days but had cold symptoms, so we felt it was safest to skip.  The morning after that initial revelation, we found out there were some challenging family dynamics happening on Craig's side.  All those people in one house can be a challenge even on a good day, and some things came to a head which meant that Thanksgiving could be a bit...contentious.  I wasn't excited about being in the middle of that (or knowing that any pleasantness was likely fake), so at that point I was close to just skipping it all.  Had I had confidence in my turkey abilities (read: none), I would have given it serious consideration.  To make matters worse I started getting some extra sniffles by Tuesday or Wednesday.  Craig and Jacob have both been sniffly for a while--Craig's office mates got COVID a few weeks ago and it seems possible he was slightly exposed...or maybe just got a cold that's hung in there.  I figured I was getting that since he inevitably rolls over in his sleep and breathes on me.  Anyway, it just didn't seem like anything was going as planned.

Luckily my zinc seemed to help so it never went past some sniffles and sneezes and I was mostly functional by Thursday.  But I took Wednesday off since the boys were off, yet I spent most of the day running around to Aldi, Walgreens, Target, and Dollar Tree.  In the midst of that I found out that there had been an explosion on the Rainbow Bridge in Niagara Falls.  It was rumored to be a terrorist attack but in the end it was determined to just be a horrible accident where a car sped out of control (possibly a stuck gas pedal), hit a curb, jumped a fence, and exploded near customs courtesy of its gas tank.  But having grown up there and having crossed that bridge dozens of times, it was unnerving and I spent a good chunk of the afternoon just watching coverage.  After that I went back out for a bit and tried to get glasses (second try, second fail), then stopped at Home Goods and the liquor store.  At least I made the most of my day off by being productive.  

Because we didn't have to go to Buffalo that night like we usually do, we opted to go to our church Wednesday evening.  That left us an odd lazy Thanksgiving morning since the only food I was making I was assembling later.  The slow morning wasn't a bad thing, but I was in such a rotten mood when we left because I just didn't want to go, both because I wasn't getting time with my parents and because the family time we were getting could be awkward.  It just wasn't the holiday I was hoping for, and it was playing into all of my fears about what might happen for Christmas.  Again.  

Usually when I'm thinking about what to say when we go around the table, I can think of plenty of things to be thankful for.  There are usually a couple special, timely things that jump out from the usual stuff.  This time, I was struggling.  Like, yes, I can say all of the usual things--my family, my home, my job, my health--but it seemed like most of these things had a bunch of asterisks this year.  I wasn't getting to see my parents and the family we did see was all mad at one another--to the point one person left (and did a good deed in the process, but still--no one should feel unwelcome at Thanksgiving dinner).  I'm grateful for my kids, but Jacob is still injured and the season is a week away, so that has been stressful for him and us.  My job and my home are both good, but both are exhausting me in their own way these days.  And my health...well, things did start improving a little bit in the head department last week and I did have a clear mammogram (which I was more worried about than usual for a couple reasons), but I was still frustrated because of the cold symptoms and the lingering issues I was still having.  The worst of the neck/jaw/head stuff had finally subsided so I wasn't perpetually uncomfortable and fatigued, but I was still getting random little mild, short-lived headaches or neck tiredness and feeling a little less energetic than usual.  Mind you, it was a lot better--I could function significantly better, for sure--but what were the odds that it was temporary?  I still wake up each day worried I'll have slept wrong or that I'll do something that will bring it all back.  I hope at this point it's clear what does it if it happens, but it's been a couple long months so I'm still worried.  But at the time the relief was still so new that it felt a bit presumptuous to be thankful for health I hadn't necessarily regained yet.  I guess I was grateful for the break, at least.  But it just felt hard to find the positivity, which is actually pretty rare for me since I am constantly trying to find the bright side of frustrating stuff--like house chores mean I have a house and overwhelming Christmas decorating is a sign of so many amazing memories tied to my decor.  

In the end, the gathering went okay aside from the one aforementioned hiccup.  Food was great as usual, and even the extra (non-family) attendees I wasn't excited about were mostly fine.  One was a student from Australia that goes to school with our nephews who got to experience his first Thanksgiving.  He was very friendly and even shared Vegemite with everyone!  A friend of the family who was there happens to spend a lot of time in the Dominican Republic and tried very hard to convince me to make the trip with Craig happen.  We're currently leaning toward trying to get flights back early to not miss Jacob's birthday or the end of school, but we'll see.  We have a few more days to figure it out.  Oh, and we were a little amused because that same woman seemed to find Jacob very handsome--which could probably only be as charming as it was because she was a flamboyant middle-aged Hispanic lady--think Gloria from Modern Family.  Jacob was a little creeped out, though, and I tried to explain that girls get that feeling a LOT, so keep that feeling in mind for future reference.  

Even though it was overall okay, I still found myself a bit sad because I miss the Thanksgivings of old, when we all fit around an average-sized table, had a quiet family dinner, and could stay over at Craig's parents' overnight that night.  Granted, some of those nights were rough--kids that wouldn't go to bed, my overly full pregnant nights, loud dogs or howling wind--but there was something blissful about having two fulfilling family gatherings with great food, getting kids to bed, and re-emerging to a quiet house ready to settle on the couch for a bit to Black Friday shop online or at least start thinking about it.  We could go to bed, grab Christmas donuts at Tim Hortons in the morning, and head back home at our leisure.  Now the rest of the family never leaves and there's nowhere for us to sleep, so it's either 45 minutes back to my parents' or braving the long drive home.  We probably would have had to do that anyway this time because of Craig's work schedule, but this year's setup just made me miss that long-gone phase even more.        

I managed to start decorating on Friday.  I had to take down the fall stuff and clean the house before starting in on the Christmas decor.  I did get the small tree decorated--all angels again, now that we've cycled through the four themes once.  I love how it turned out.  White lights, gold garland, gold star--simple but elegant.  Saturday wasn't as productive as I'd hoped because Jacob had a workout followed by a scrimmage he had to attend, which meant we were out the door at 8:30.  Carter and I killed time getting fun breakfast at Wendy's (which was a bit of a debacle), but then had to head right to the scrimmage most of the way across the county.  I was hoping to drop Carter off at home in between but timing didn't work out so he was pretty grumpy about us having to kill a couple more hours.  We dropped Jacob at the scrimmage and went to Aldi, Big Lots, and Dollar Tree, just for fun, and then got Slurpees as we headed back to the game.  We only had to watch about 15 minutes, but then it turned out Jacob needed to ride the bus back to school with his team so we actually didn't have to be there at all...ugh.  I dropped Carter off en route, picked up Jacob and got him fed, and finally got home and tried to decorate.  I did get through most of it despite a pounding headache cropping up for a bit, which was a small miracle.  It took most of the afternoon and evening, but I did it.  

Sunday started out with church.  We were supposed to go as a family since Jacob's practice got canceled, but Craig was up in the night with a headache so he stayed home to sleep.  I had this moment in church where I found myself thinking about Christmas Eve and just desperately hoping for a normal, typical Christmas this year.  I was almost trying to will it to happen as we sat there--almost feeling a peace that it would but not wanting to get my hopes up.  Oddly, I feel like I'm having some sort of anxiety issue--maybe related to COVID's effect on my brain?--that's based on my long-term worries about this head stuff and a lingering general overwhelm with life.  It's almost like a next step beyond the brain fog I was having for a while, a different kind of short circuit.  When I think of something in the future or something that's a bit overwhelming, I have this moment of complete panic/worry/terror.  I think if I indulged it, it could turn into a panic attack, but luckily that feeling passes quickly even if the worry doesn't.  It's made my thoughts about the holiday extra challenging so far, to the point I can't fathom a holiday without problems or get my gift lists set yet.  

The main tree took a solid part of Sunday, though I did sneak in a two-mile walk since the temperature was in the mid-40s before torrential rain came through at night.  The Bills had another craptastic close/late loss, and with that the extra-long weekend came to an end.  But I already know my boss isn't in tomorrow and I have a massive deliverable I wasn't expecting to do, so it will likely be the Mondayest of Mondays.  I'm thankful for five days off, but it sure doesn't feel like it was that long.  And there's no rest for the weary because the holidays are officially upon us.  Here we go...