Breathing Room

So today ended up being ER day after all.  Jacob got to a point last night where he just couldn't take it anymore--and neither could I, which led to another argument about me being a "Debbie Downer".  I just feel like I'm being a realist, and like I said, it felt like a very real possibility that there was something bigger behind all of these random ailments.  But the mere mention of that, of being afraid what testing might show, of wanting Jacob to mentally prepare that it might not be the simple resolution he was expecting, got me on everyone's sh** list.  

I get it, I should do better at controlling that stuff...but also, it's been a long three months and the constant stress of one kid or another having weird symptoms and potentially being really sick has just gotten to me.  I apparently hit a breaking point and couldn't just keep things inside or ignore them anymore, or pretend there wasn't a real risk here.

So, after a late night of Craig trying to talk him down so he could sleep, this morning Jacob and Craig went to the ER.  It ended up being a most-of-the-day affair.  But eventually he got some scans of his torso--his lungs, heart, and abdomen.  And everything was (mostly) fine.  Thank God.  He does have a lot of poop up in his system for some reason, even though he doesn't feel constipated, so we need to work on that a bit.  I'm not sure why that would be happening, and at least it's not a blockage, but maybe that's not helping.  More than likely the reflux is causing some of the other issues, and again, that's good to know but also not ideal because I don't know what else we do to help him if the reflux meds aren't enough.  He seems to have a good number of trigger foods so it's hard to avoid all of them.  We have the GI appointment on Friday so I guess we'll talk through things with them.  Hopefully we can get a look at his system somehow to see what else can be improved, or maybe plan to test for a couple more things, like the bacterial overgrowth.  Now that I think of it, maybe he has leaky gut or something, because that can cause some aches and pains, too.  Hmmm.

The next step in my mind is to look for an immunologist, rheumatologist, or someone who can sort of monitor what his body is doing and be on the lookout for anything else in the autoimmune realm that could be enhancing his issues in some way.  That was never recommended to us when he was diagnosed, but I think that was because he was young and the Celiac diet should be able to manage his disease.  But if things are evolving and his body is reacting to something else, there may be a reason for that and I'd like to understand it.  And I have a feeling a doctor like that would be our best bet because they've probably seen a little bit of everything.  

But, for now, we get a little relief that nothing seems to be life-threatening or imminently dangerous.  That revelation made it feel like I could breathe for the first time in weeks, and it felt like a literal weight off my chest.  The overwhelming, underlying dread lifted...maybe not entirely, but significantly.  I can't quite describe how different my body felt this afternoon.  I can't say it will last a long time, especially if he starts complaining of new or worsening symptoms, but for now, it's a huge relief.

It's a dodged bullet and I'm so thankful, but yet again today my heart broke for my friend whose daughter got diagnosed with pneumonia in the midst of her treatment.  She had a little cold and couldn't go in for her monthly antibiotic that helps prevent pneumonia, and boom, there it is.  She's already a week into a 28-day immunotherapy treatment where she needs to be accessed with a giant needle 24/7, so to add this is just torture.  That world felt all too possible over these last couple weeks, and while it's not impossible we could end up back there, this felt like a big step away from that.  We still have a road ahead, but I'm so thankful for a break from the biggest worries for now.

At a Loss

I've been struggling to figure out what to write here this week.  The weekend was mostly uneventful as I worked all day Saturday and spent most of Sunday just catching up on things, and life has otherwise just been...a struggle.  I'll get into that momentarily.  But on Sunday I wanted to get as much of the timely stuff done as I could because I'm planning to be gone next weekend and know that anything that didn't get done might be waiting, and in some cases that wasn't ideal.  For example, some bushes needed trimming and who knows what the weather might be like two weekends from now.  I wanted to go to the pumpkin farm--not our big Stokoe day, although that would have been good aside from Craig and Jacob having injuries holding them back--but the one where I get my porch pumpkins, because otherwise we'd be halfway through October by the time I went.  I also want to get my Halloween decorations up this week sometime.  I usually put up fall first, but then I'm dragging the bin back up 10 days later for Halloween.  It's probably a waste of time to get one setup done for fall and then have to rearrange for the Halloween stuff, but mid-September feels too early for witches and jack o'lanterns, you know?  Anyway, I got done what I could...but still more on the list to tackle this week.

Sunday night ended up a bit more eventful than planned because just as I was sitting down to catch up on work that needed to happen by Monday morning, one of our lamps started flickering.  I thought maybe the bulb was going, but it went back on.  But then it happened again and eventually went out, and as I was going to get the bulb, I realized the lamp next to it was out, too.  The boys mentioned that it did that earlier when I was outside trimming the bushes, and then I flashed back to when I was at the outside outlet plugging and unplugging the trimmer and I swore it made a cracking noise a couple times--much like I'd expect from a spark, but no spark.  I thought maybe it was just the creaky cover hinge.  After a bit of back and forth to another outlet we realized the lamps were indeed fine but the outlet was not.  Then we noticed the porch light was acting weird when switches were getting flipped, and the switch that turns on the fans was wonky for a bit and then worked, almost like all of the flipping of switches was allowing other things to turn on and off.  It was so strange.  Of course I mildly panicked (I wasn't in the best mental state anyway--again, more on that in a minute) because fire is such a fear of mine.  And honestly, with everything that just happened down south (including in Asheville where my aunt and uncle live) with Hurricane Helene, people losing their homes to disaster has been top of mind and it scared me to death.  We unplugged things from that outlet and had an otherwise uneventful evening (aside from the awful Bills loss) before turning off that breaker before bed.  Luckily the electrician was able to fit us in late Monday morning, and it turned out the outside outlet was shot.  That didn't surprise me as it's not one of those GFCI outlets with the reset button, so it isn't exactly ideal to be out in the elements even with little outlet flaps.  Eventually it just sort of corroded and the connection loosened (I think maybe the neutral, he said?) and because it was earlier in the circuit based on where the electricity comes from, it was disrupting the other areas further down, which was why everything was flickering.  So he just had to fix that one and everything else was fine.  That was a huge relief.  Yeah, it was $300, but better than wiring damage or worse.  

Oddly I guess it was helpful to have something else to worry about for 14 hours, because honestly, my full time job lately seems to be worrying about Jacob.  It is exhausting and we don't even any official diagnosis.  It's been more of the same for three months now...just a constant cycle of stuff.  It started with a virus, various lingering symptoms, and then new things have come and gone (or stayed).  Along the way it was complicated by the concussion, two more viruses, and then a sprained ankle last week.  He just hasn't been right since the first cold virus in June the week before we went to the Dominican.  The elevated blood pressure, which seems mostly better...the sudden reflux...chest pains, which apparently weren't heart-related...stomach pains that come and go, even after he figured out he glutened himself...the lymph node, which is currently down a bit...another cold virus...the epididymitis, which is officially better...his shin that still isn't where he wants it to be...another cold virus a couple weeks ago...random aches and pains, mostly in his back and then his chest again.  It's all getting really concerning that he never feels particularly well.  And with everything it's hard to tell what his baseline should be, since he hasn't been able to fully train at a high level for any extended period of time since the spring.  Should he get tired doing what he's doing?  Is he short of breath or is he just a little out of shape compared to what he's used to?  He just hasn't been able to get in a groove so it's hard to know what's normal and what should be concerning.  But some days the stomach pains and aches are bad, and it scares me.  My friend just died of stomach cancer after complaining of back pain, so that's stuck in the back of my mind.  Jacob already has Celiac working against him, and it's just hard to know what other complications might arise because he already has one autoimmune disease.  Not to mention that stress seems to be a factor.  It wouldn't surprise me if it ramped up as we were getting ready to leave for our trip in June, and then the constant stream of ailments has just kept it going.  We wonder if taking ibuprofen for his injuries irritated his stomach and then combined with the stress to cause ulcers.  Does he have a new lactose intolerance?  Might it be a bacteria overgrowth, as he thinks "things" have been smelling worse?  Could it be diverticulitis or maybe IBS (although I don't think he's had IBS-type #2 issues, that I know of)?  He insists we have black mold in the house because that would explain everything, but it's not super likely as we haven't really seen (or smelled) any signs anywhere. 

We bugged the doctor again and did another round of blood work and everything looked good, although all that it really rules out is lymphoma (which he was worried about with the lymph node) and pancreatitis.  His Celiac levels were perfect, so that was good but doesn't give us any clues.  We have a GI appointment on Friday, which should at least start the ball rolling on some sort of investigation there.  Ultimately every day is a battle to not get particularly triggered, whether it's by something he says, like when his pain is worse, or something I accidentally come across online, like people who realized their reflux was a cancer sign or the athlete whose body wasn't fighting off illness or injury properly and had bowel cancer.  I see those things and the worry starts all over again at a very high level.  It's like a constant fight-or-flight response, and it's exhausting.  And I know from reading posts from an old friend of mine whose daughter has leukemia (not to mention all the other cancer parents I know, half with living kids and half without) how draining it is to literally be in the fight for their life for months or years on end.  To be in this heightened state constantly is draining.  I don't know how I could do it long-term, let alone the worst-case scenarios beyond that, but part of me is terrified I'll have to.  

Mentally I catch myself doing things or making alternate plans or assuming what things will have to change.  All the what ifs come pouring in and I'm having trouble stopping them.  Jacob desperately wants to plan a trip to Disney in May and I keep hesitating.  I mean, it's a bad month at work, Craig might have playoffs, and the kids have school, but it's really the best time to go for weather and cost issues...but what might our lives look like by then?  Would it be worse to plan and not be able to go?  For me, the answer is yes, but for him the planning feels like a lifeline.  But if there is something wrong we can't outrun it with vacation.  And yes, if something is wrong obviously a trip to Disney will happen as soon as it's medically possible, but planning a trip just seems foolish until we get this figured out.  

I mostly feel like one day we'll have no choice but to have some life-changing ER visit when he can't take it anymore, and everything will change forever from that point on.  That could happen as soon as tomorrow at this point, because mentally it's gotten bad and physically he's just endlessly frustrated.  I have seen that life-altering scenario play out more than once through friends, and the one in particular has been very open about how draining this process is.  With all that in mind, my poker face is terrible right now, which drives Jacob and Craig nuts, but I literally can't help it.  It's such a deep, biologic reaction based on everything I know.  I want to think this is just anxiety talking--like almost every other time I've ever thought something was wrong with me or them--but the reality is that I've overthought this so deeply and just have that awful mother's intuition that something simply isn't right.  Something has to be causing all of this and it's probably not good.  Even if it's not cancer it could be another chronic condition.  I routinely try to talk myself back out of it--he hasn't gotten truly sick (like nausea or more intense pain or a visible tumor or severe fatigue or major weight loss) so maybe there's just a bunch of little explanations for everything.  But then he mentions he's lost a couple pounds or he's extra tired today or the back pain or stomach pain is worse, and I start all over again, even if there are logical reasons for those things--like less weight training causing loss of muscle, or staying up late, or sleeping in a weird position, or being out of alignment.  It's this constant cycle which seems to intensify after every virus, and the mental weight is nearly unbearable even at this stage.  I'm jittery, I have a nervous stomach, sometimes I have no appetite, I'm often distracted, and sometimes all I can do is stare at my phone because I don't have the mental energy for anything else.  And truly, this has been coming in waves since June, for both kids.  Carter's situation seems fine now, although we still should get that Celiac test done.  His mouth seems pretty much healed up, and we never really knew what it was.  But to have moments of thinking both kids have some form of cancer, multiple times over the last three months, makes me feel like I'm a crazy person.  That's hypochondriac, overactive anxiety stuff, right?  But these situations have been verifiably super weird and concerning and essentially without explanation, so I don't think that's fair in this case.  I do need to get help with it, but at the moment I guess I want to see if it's just going to be working through overabundant, unfounded anxiety or actually needing help with something more real.  To even talk like this seems overly dramatic, but when your otherwise healthy-ish teenager just can't get out of the weeds after three months, something has to be up.

I'm mostly just trying to go into robot mode half the time, pounding through work with whatever concentration I have, getting through dinner, and trying to immerse myself in something brainless at night.  I focus on to-do lists to feel like I'm making progress, which is good, but inevitably my brain wanders off to how I will get things like that done if he's sick.  Almost every time he talks I get nervous it will be about another health issue.  When I hear him and Carter bantering back and forth, I start worrying about what how I would ever cope if that scenario was no longer possible.  I'm simply traumatized at this point, without even knowing what's happening.

I know it's driving him nuts too, and whenever he accuses us of not helping him I try to explain that we have been doing a lot--so many doctors and therapies and questions--and this system just isn't meant for young people with health problems.  You can't just walk into the ER demanding things (although apparently we're at that point) so you have to go through the system a bit and hope that there will be answers there before it gets to an extreme point.  In this case there haven't been, and yes, it's getting extremely hard.  I know it probably bothers him every moment of every day too, and while he knows it's hard for us, I don't think he understands just how hard.  He is a part of me--if you believe that science, we even share cells--and it guts me to the core to think of anything ever happening to him or him having to go through more pain.  The saying "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child" couldn't be more true, and knowing these past three months that he was almost constantly having issues (and if he wasn't for brief times, Carter was) has been so hard.  I think of how hard it has been to come back from the stress response of COVID, and this is already exponentially worse.  

I just don't feel like I know how to help him or even how to be a good parent to him anymore, because my stress is affecting him.  He says that he doesn't feel pain when he's working out or playing basketball (or even watching it while he's been injured), so he thinks that a lot of it is stress.  I think there could be some adrenaline there assisting things, even if he's not participating, but trust me, I wish more than anything it was just that.  Admittedly, he does have stress at school because he's unhappy there, and I give him stress at home, and I know he's frustrated with just wanting to be back to where he was physically so that probably isn't helping the rest of the time.  But I think there's too much physical pain for it to just be that.  I want him to be magically cured more than anybody, but the longer this has gone, the less likely that seems.  This horrible limbo is bad enough, but I know the alternative could be endlessly worse.  I keep hoping and praying for a resolution of his symptoms and good news with every test, but I am scared.  More than ever before in my entire parenthood journey.  Terrified and heartbroken and at a complete loss.

Atypical Typical Weekend

What a weekend.  Most of it was fine and pretty typical.  But there were a couple key things that made it a bit beyond the ordinary.

I spent most of the week fighting off cold germs from Craig being sick the previous week and Jacob following suit after that.  His cold kept him out of school for three days.  I could feel the sniffles coming on, but with work stuff and a couple important weekend events, I was taking Zicam and doing my darnedest to battle it back.  Luckily I did--just some minor sniffles by Saturday.  It ramped up a notch by Monday but seems to be just a minor annoyance for now.  Let's hope it stays that way since I have a busy week and a couple long work days coming up on Friday and Saturday.  Anyway, back to the weekend itself... 

This past Friday my plan was to cut out of work early (but on time considering when I start work in the morning) so I could leave for Buffalo by 5pm and get to my high school friend Pat's funeral home viewing by 6pm.  Well, it turned out I had a major unexpected work project pop up and I needed about 15 extra minutes to get that done before I could close up shop for the day.  Then I had to clean up, change, and finish packing, and then I sort of forgot to build in time for food and gas.  I ended up just getting a bagel and iced coffee as Tim Hortons was the only convenient place on my route.  I didn't know exactly how my evening would play out and I didn't want to smell like grease, so that was the happy medium.  And I forgot to get gas before I hopped on the highway, but luckily had enough to get there fine.

As I mentioned, I realized after Pat passed away that I was going to be in town the day after the viewing, so I figured I might as well come in the night before and go.  That idea was solidified further once I found out his childhood best friend Josh was coming into town, who was also a good friend of mine who I'd been trying to see in person for years. Well, because of the extra hold-ups at home, I missed him at the funeral home by less than five minutes.  Ugh, foiled again--we can just never seem to meet up.  I did pay my respects to Pat's parents, sister, and wife.  It felt a little odd considering I was so far removed from his present life, but I explained that we were good friends in high school and since I was already coming into town it felt like a good opportunity to pay my respects.  I think they appreciated the little conversations--his dad knows my dad, and his sister seemed to vaguely remember me, and his wife appreciated a little story I told about his lackluster message in my one yearbook.  My heart just goes out to all of them--it's just so unfair.  Did I mention his daughter and wife have cancer too?  His wife seems good as hers was caught early, and his daughter is only about six weeks away from being done with treatment.  It's so scary to think of recurrence, and I have to say, the pictures of them with their matching bald heads were bittersweet knowing he won't be around to commiserate with her if it happens again.  But it's good she's doing well so far.  But to know his wife is on her own now is so hard.  Seeing the pictures and knowing that vibrant, awesome guy is gone just seems surreal and horribly unfair.  I didn't run into anyone else I knew, and it sounds like maybe not many high school people came aside from a few of his swim teammates.  So that ended up being much less of an interesting stop than I was hoping.

I was bummed that I missed Josh, especially since we'd been trying to meet up for years in and around him being in town visiting family and his alma mater, which just happens to be U of R.  He was supposed to come in for his 20th reunion, but that was 2020 and got canceled due to COVID.  I messaged him to let him know that if he could carve out time for a drink or coffee or whatever, I was open until early Saturday afternoon.  And sure enough, after the memorial service on Saturday, he sent me a message.  After debating locations and food options, he just decided to come over to my parents' house.  We immediately set off on a walk and probably walked a solid hour or more, followed by more time on the porch.  We talked about everything, from high school memories, Pat's cancer, people we've seen since we graduated, other friends we've lost touch with, U of R stuff, life with kids, career paths, and more.  It was really amazing.  It was shocking how quickly we just settled back in, although I have to say that seeing this 40-something doctor instead of a goofy yet intellectual teenager was something to behold.  I realized in looking at yearbook messages that I didn't really know Josh until sometime during sophomore year, after I met Pat, and his message to me that year said something to the effect of, "I don't know you that well yet, but hopefully we'll become better friends in the next couple years."  Sure enough, we did.  By senior year we had been in a class or two together and had lunch together daily with a whole group of friends.  I have great memories from those lunches--talking about the show ER, rehashing funny Friends' Chandler Bing quotes, making fun (nicely) of our tablemate Mike--and he will always be memorable as the first email I got when I went to college, which started a fun back-and-forth for a chunk of freshman year.  I had little crushes on him over various periods of time, but come to find out he considered himself very immature in that area and would have had no idea how to even manage those things, so I guess I can't take any unrequited flirting personally!  We talked through so many things and got caught up on all of those life events we only had glimpses of through social media, how we ended up where we did, and sort of marveling at where the time has gone.  We bonded over how life experience (Pat's illness for him, the pandemic for me) fundamentally changed our perspectives on travel with our families, but also how traveling with kids can be less than ideal.  He told his daughter once that he may love sushi and cheese platters, but not together, and kids and travel can be much the same.  Agreed.  Despite being a household of two doctors, his kids go to less-than-ideal San Francisco public schools, so we definitely could compare notes on urban education challenges.  Ultimately we are very different people living different lives, but the friendship just settled back in so nicely.  Time flew (nearly three hours) and suddenly we had blown past my target time to leave for my family reunion.  But it was worth every second and any amount of lateness because catching up with an old friend like that is priceless.  I think it all just felt a bit surreal, but it also felt nice to fill in so many blanks and get some perspective on how far we've come.  It was pretty incredible, but hopefully it won't be another 25+ years next time.  I can't quite put into words what it all meant to me, but I can tell you that I was on quite a high after that, to the point I forgot again to get gas and realized it just in time en route!  Oh, and later my mother had to tell me how good looking he was, and imagine her delight when I added that he was a doctor as well!  But of course I subsequently squashed it all by mentioning he's married with kids.  Ha.

The family reunion was nice--it was 45 minutes away at a gorgeous park, and while my generation was not well represented, I had a great time with my parents and my dad's siblings and cousins.  I took a nice winding backroads route home with a few touches of fall leaves, some crazy rain clouds, and a lovely sunset.  Back to my boys and back to a generally typical rest of the weekend.  Sunday involved the usual errands and house tasks, including finally working up the guts to use the Liquid Nails on the bathroom towel bar repair from Jacob's Hercules moment.  I had groceries to shop for, Kohl's Cash to use, and bushes to trim.  I fought the urge to take a nap.  So, yeah, typical.  

But Sunday night also involved another round of Jacob's medical anxiety ramping up. He had a cold that caused him to miss three days of school last week, and while he's feeling a bit better, he mentioned he's having stomach pains almost every time he eats, which has seemed to ramp up over the last couple months.  Ever since he had the cold last week he's had back pain too, and apparently it's pretty uncomfortable.  I initially assumed the back pain may have come from spending the better part of three days on the couch doing very little, but the fact he's been up and around and it was still hanging in there was worrying.  Especially since my friend that just passed away had back pain as his first symptom of stomach cancer...and clearly we already have stomach things happening on top of it, so that didn't really help where my brain went.  I know that's a leap, but with everything that's been going on, I'm not willing to completely discount it.  It's been a long three months of ongoing issues at this point.  We've run the gamut from him developing lactose intolerance (but maybe it's all foods that are bugging him?), to ulcers (he's been so nervous and already has the reflux thing going on), to some stealth glutening (but what is causing it?), to some other sort of random inflammation or maybe even small intestine bacterial overgrowth like I had years back.  I suppose any of those are possible.  And maybe the back pain really is just that he's out of alignment from so much couch time?  Who knows.  Of course, the challenge is to figure out how to go about getting him properly checked.  His main doctor can only really do so much and we've gotten so much "wait and see" from them that I'm not sure how we push this further.  We could find a GI doctor, but how long would it take to get him scoped between new patient onboarding and normal scheduling?  ERs drive me nuts, but it also seems like the quickest way to get one doctor looking at all of the data and get all the imaging and bloodwork we might need in one shot.  It just feels like you have doctors looking at things in isolation and not necessarily looking at the full picture, and I'm not sure how else to get more eyes on everything at once, in a relatively short period of time.  So, we're back on that roller coaster again, which really sort of killed the buzz from an otherwise decent weekend.  As of today the plan is to re-run his bloodwork, including his Celiac levels, and have him stick with Omeprazole (for reflux--also an ulcer treatment) for a couple weeks, and then regroup and likely see a GI for an endoscopy, particularly if things don't improve.  If he has any other symptoms or anything gets worse, we should go to the ER.  He seemed a bit better Monday and Tuesday, so let's hope he's on the upswing.  Of course, then he ended up spraining his ankle in a basketball game on Tuesday, so it's literally always something.

So, onward through the week we go.  Doctor's appointments for Jacob, baseball and school pictures for Carter, Craig is off to Utica for the box lacrosse world championships, and lots of work for me because my big reunion/homecoming weekend is coming up and stealing one of my weekend days.  It can be energizing while I'm there, but the Monday hangover is always brutal.  How did I ever work with short or non-existent weekends when I was in sports?  Oh yeah, I was 20+ years younger!  So, probably not a lot of exciting weekend antics this weekend, but October is coming and I'm hoping for some positive excitement to spice up our fall in the weeks ahead!

Back on the Fringe

Rochester has a Fringe Festival every year, and every year I regret not exploring it more.  To be fair, there is SO much, and it's hard to weed through all of the descriptions.  I'm not much of a "fringe" kind of person in the first place, so finding a fit among the many weird and wacky acts isn't always easy.  I've always wanted to go to the burlesque/circus one in the cool main tent theater, but it's pretty pricey these days and I need someone to go with.  Usually I default to the big free public show (which only seems to be every other year), which is how we ended up at Grounded Aerial in 2015 and Plasticiens Volants in 2017.  Other years I wanted to see those acts but got thwarted by weather or schedules.  I actually hadn't heard anything at all about this year's offerings until a co-worker of mine posted in our group chat about the Daedalum, which he and his wife were going to that night.  It looked right up my alley, so I made a mental note to try to drag Carter there before the festival ended.

I looked into it for Saturday, especially once Carter's baseball game was canceled due to lack of kids, but it turned out it was sold out that day.  I didn't really want to go at night (not that we could have anyway, but I read somewhere that daylight enhances the experience).  I looked into Sunday, too, but Carter had something going at church in the early afternoon and then the whole afternoon was also sold out.  I finally managed to find tickets later that day, and ended up picking 6:30 knowing that it would be near sunset by the time we came out and that might make the experience a little extra photogenic.  I wasn't wrong!

By the way, this is what Carter had going on at church:

They did a massive, soapy slip-n-slide outside the church after Sunday School, complete with pizza, and he had a blast.  They got a perfect, hot day for it, too!

I had to scramble a bit to figure out dinner--Craig was working all weekend for the NLL draft so it was just me and the boys and I had already used all of my easy dinners lately--so I ended up grabbing them something out quickly and just eating leftovers for myself.  We just had to do it early so Carter and I could leave by a little after 6, but for some reason that's never easy.

Luckily I'm pretty well-versed with parking in that area since I'm now there all the time for work.  It was right across the street from the Eastman School of Music.  The Spiegelgarden, as they call it, was just as quaint as I remember from nine years ago when I dragged the kids over there after the Grounded Aerial show.  Only this time, it had this:

That is the Daedalum, the reason we were there.  It's a giant, multi-room inflatable that is lit up in fun and funky ways.  I suppose for $7 I expected a little more, but in the end it was a fun experience and very visually stimulating.  Fully immersive art is a favorite of mine, and this definitely fit the bill.  I was maybe most entertained by the artsy millennials and Gen Z folks wandering around taking funky photos (some with real cameras!) or copping a squat in one of the many alcoves they encouraged you to hang out in.  

We had to take off our shoes and wait to be let into the air lock, the first "room".  Because it's an inflatable, they have to be careful with the air flow and not open the inside to the outside.  That means everyone comes in and you have to wait to go in the inside door to ensure both are not open at the same time. 

While we waited we took our first picture!

The inside was a series of hallways, small rooms, and little alcoves.  The colors came through in amazing ways, usually from one source that lit up entire sections.

Pardon the angle, but it was the best way to capture all three colors.

The middle section was a bit more yellow than it looks here.

There were two main feature rooms.  This one was pretty breathtaking with this giant shape on the ceiling.  The areas below it were rounded out (like bumps from the outside), though it's harder to tell from this.

I loved this yellow room.  I feel like this should be an album cover or something.

The other feature might have been my favorite from a photography standpoint, since every angle was different.  It was called "The Tree".  It was just a series of circles going up through the ceiling, and depending on which of the three spaces you were in while looking up, they were lit differently.

You can see the "tree" look a bit more here.

That pretty much ended our first walk-through, but that took maybe only a bit more than five minutes so I decided we should do it again to look for other angles or at least soak it in a bit longer.  When we went back in the room with the cool shape on the ceiling, Carter noticed that he could see it reflected in my eye.  So I took of picture of it happening with him!

Why not grab a cool new profile picture while I'm there, right?

I wished the thing was about twice as large as it was and had a few more fun things to see, but I was  still happy we did it.  The pictures are cool and it's just another one of those weird things you never knew could be added to your bucket list!  

Back out in the Spiegelgarden, the sun was starting to set.  It was a perfect night, no jacket needed, and the lighting was lovely.  We decided to wander around and see what all they had there.  Carter wanted to play corn hole, but it was busy so we decided to play Connect Four instead.  We played two games, the second of which was quite the heated battle.

We also tried to play this little tiny version of shuffleboard, but it wasn't very successful.  I think the pavement under the mat was too bumpy and the discs kept flipping.  Carter's kept flipping on their sides and rolling like 15 feet away from where we were playing!  We did eventually get around to corn hole.  We played three rounds (we didn't want to hog it) and Carter sunk two in the third round (one with an assist from my bag) to break our tie and win by a bunch!

The lanterns and the pretty sky really made the area look so pretty!

There was a huge line for the show in the Spiegeltent.  It always looks so cool from the outside.  Hopefully someday I'll get in there!  Might need a few more years post-COVID for it to feel a little less icky, though!

We walked around to see the food truck offerings and the heated sitting area with a large projection screen, and then took one more selfie before heading out. 

I asked Carter if he wanted a picture with the giant triangles by the entrance and he decided they looked like giant Doritos, so...

It was a fun little outing.  I think Carter's patience is waning a bit on this stuff (darn you, approaching puberty) as he was a little hesitant to go.  Sometimes I'm not sure if he's actually hesitant or giving me crap entirely as a joke because he thinks it's funny.  He knows that Jacob gives pushback on almost anything, so he pretends to do that, too.  There are times where I think he thinks it's more fun to be home and playing video games or watching videos, but in most cases that's entirely why I drag him out, since he already does too much of that.  And he does usually have fun.  I know it's not going to be that easy within another couple years, but I'll keep trying.

I had forgotten when we were there that I'd actually be back there less than 24 hours later because I had to go to a photo shoot for work.  I manage the Eastman annual giving program and we're instituting a new event this year that's an offshoot from the College that involves selling school gear for a price that includes a gift to the school's emergency support fund for students.  We had students modeling the sweatshirts we're doing this year, which meant wandering all over the campus to take cool pictures.  I can't wait to see them!  This was the little park area just outside the offices.  It was so nice out!

I love this staircase and couldn't resist taking a pic.  I think it's better directly below the light, but I like the top of the light, too. 

And of course, there was this.  It's obviously my favorite spot on campus, and I was hoping to get some photos there, but I didn't even have to ask!  We just ended up there!

While I was watching music cases while the students were getting their pictures taken upstairs, I managed to catch a glimpse of the Daedalum inflating!  We were told they deflate it every night and someone said it was cool to watch it inflate.  I didn't have a great view, but I did catch a bit.  That red bump you can just see ends up really high, higher than the blue bump, once it's fully inflated.  It's slow and hard to see, but you can just see it moving around and rising a bit.

The rest of the weekend was a decent mix between rest and productivity.  After the rough end of the week, I just needed some mental space to get myself back in a good place.  I cleaned up a bunch of surfaces, did a handy craft, bought a couple things at Lowe's, changed our sheets, did a couple errands, and finally built my roller coaster car from Cedar Point.  It turned out to be a giant pain in the butt for a couple reasons, but it's done.  My craft was creating a spot to hold the beaded earrings I've been making lately.  I bought a piece of plastic canvas for $2, cut it to fit an extra picture frame I had here, cut out most of the back of the frame so it would hold in the canvas but be open behind the canvas, screwed two eye hooks in the top, strung an extra purple ribbon through it, and hung it on my wall near my jewelry armoire.  It initially sat too close to the wall and pushed the earring wires back out, but I added some pieces of foam I had to the back to hold it away from the wall.  It's cute and colorful, like a mini piece of art, and I'm really happy with it, especially for only $2.  I had more I wanted to do, but the balance felt important this weekend.  

Now we're on to another week and Jacob came down with a nasty cold that's making him miserable.  Dude can't catch a break.  At least it's not COVID?  I just don't want to catch it because I have important work stuff tomorrow and my friend's funeral visitation on Friday, let alone all of the work I need to get done this week.  Good luck to me with Jacob doing massive sneezes and coughs all over the house.  With a lot of busy weekends coming up I'm glad I had one that checked most of the boxes, but no rest for the weary when a week starts like this.

F* Cancer

The end of last week was really hard, and it's pretty much all cancer's fault.

Let's start with the happy ending story of that statement.  So...as has been frequently documented here, Jacob has struggled all summer with various ailments.  One of the more recent ones was an enlarged lymph node.  The doctor seemed unbothered when she felt it when he had his weird viral thing last month, and I could barely feel it myself.  I kept telling him that, even as he kept mentioning it and asking when it would go away or when we'd go back to the doctor.  Most recently I kept pushing him off knowing we had another appointment coming up this next week, as it really didn't strike me as so enlarged that it would be a problem until then.  BUT...at the same time, it was sticking around.  Normally those things fade after a bit and it seemed like his viral stuff (including the epididymitis) had faded, so why was it still there?  He kept insisting he was still having a few random symptoms--his stomach is still bugging him, his reflux is around, and he was having nervous sweats (which I assured him were different than night sweats and probably not much different than how my nerves instantly send me to the bathroom).  Despite all efforts to reassure him, by midweek he was completely and totally convinced he had lymphoma.  There was no convincing him otherwise.  He was using it as an excuse for everything--why he didn't want to go to school, why he couldn't do anything or plan ahead.  It got so bad that Craig took it upon himself to take him to the doctor Thursday to rule things out--he just couldn't take it anymore, and honestly, neither could I.  I went into the office on Thursday completely spent after not sleeping well at all the prior night--partly because of this and partly for another reason I'll get into in a minute.  I felt like I had been up all night crying--my eyes were tired and cloudy and I felt like I'd run a marathon.  I was exhausted and it was a major struggle just to get through the day.  As I've mentioned before, my medical anxiety is almost as bad as Jacob's sometimes, and while I wasn't exactly spiraling--I think I was too tired to have that kind of nervous energy--I was worried because maybe the lymph node HAD stuck around too long.  There's a slightly elevated risk of lymphoma with Celiac Disease, and while most of his risk factors didn't fit (usually within 5-10 years of diagnosis--he's just past that; he's kept a gluten-free diet all along, and although he did recently gluten himself, I was doubtful that was enough; and it's usually in older people), I guess it was just crazy enough to make sense.  But, in the end, the doctor still wasn't concerned.  He did give them the green light to go to the ER for an ultrasound if it gets any bigger or sticks around much longer, and all of that seemed to give Jacob just enough peace of mind for now.  Thank goodness for that.  All bets are off in a few weeks, I suppose, if the node is still there or it gets more noticeable, but I'm hoping the temporary stress relief is enough to chill the rest of his body out.  I'm pretty sure the stress response alone was making everything worse.  But honestly, the mere fact that my kid has to worry about this stuff (let alone my other fears with Carter) just makes me hate even more that cancer is a thing--never mind how heartbreaking it is to watch someone actually dealing with it with their kid, even just via social media.

On Wednesday night, as all of this was ramping up, I was laying in bed and got a message from my friend Heather who alerted me that a high school classmate of ours had passed away.  He'd been sick with cancer for five years, so I guess it wasn't a shock, but after fighting it this long and not knowing how he was actually doing beyond periodic pictures of him in hats that a couple other friends posted, it still caught me off-guard.  My heart just broke reading the obituary.  This guy was actually a pretty big part of my high school experience.  I don't even really know how we became friends--I think we were in the same Spanish class sophomore year, which might have started it, and somehow I also became friends with his childhood best friend shortly thereafter.  I'll be honest, I had crushes on both of them at various times in high school (shocker).  Pat was an athlete, pretty popular but also in with the smart kids just enough.  We were the only people we each knew in our junior year lunch and spent most of it hanging out in his swim coach's classroom.  There was some flirting but nothing ever came of it.  I did go to a lot of his swim meets with a friend of mine who had a crush on another swimmer.  He was a genuinely nice guy, maybe a little aloof at times, a bit sarcastic, but when it was just us, he was a great guy.  He finished one spot behind me in the class ranking as I recall, and I always thought that was because he ended up partying a bit by senior year, at which point we drifted apart, all while I was becoming better friends with his friend Josh, who I shared senior lunch with along with a bunch of other friends.  

I wrote about Pat here after my 20th reunion, when he randomly showed up with his adorable pregnant wife and it made my night.  My only previous interaction with him since high school involved a series of instant messages back in 2001 that led to a lunch here in Rochester.  He had told me that he'd had a dream about me at the time that brought him this odd sense of peace.  It apparently made him want to reconnect, and he told me at that lunch that he should have asked me out in high school but let social standing and peer pressure get in the way.  It stung a little as I would have given anything for a little confidence boost back then, but it was also validating that I hadn't just read into things, as I think I probably did a lot back then.  At the time of that lunch, I had just started dating Craig, so it wasn't the best time to explore anything further.  He wasn't a big social media guy and moved to Boston at some point after that, so we predictably drifted back apart.  He moved back to Western New York at some point before that reunion, and it was really nice to see him then. 

Little did I know that a few years later he'd be in the fight of his life.  It was hard to watch from afar, knowing how I'd treasured our friendship and truly loved meeting his wife, but being obviously on the outside of the situation unable to do anything.  I appreciated the photos that a couple different friends would post whenever they'd get together--usually when Josh was in town.  A year or two ago someone posted a GoFundMe explaining that not only was Pat fighting cancer, but then his daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and his wife also was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer.  I have no idea where either of those two things stand aside from them both being seemingly alive and well in the obituary, but suffice it to say everyone--from his family to the couple friends who had been posting things--have been in my thoughts constantly since I heard.  The other friend is one I've known since I was young as we went to the same church and were confirmed together.  She has lost both parents to cancer, seen her sister fight it, lost a couple dogs and a bunch of other folks as well, and I knew this had to hit her hard.  She posted a really emotional blog post over the weekend (she's a published writer in her spare time, so it was good stuff), and my heart broke all over again.  

I feel like I'm taking this harder than I should for someone firmly on the outskirts, but I guess it's understandable.  First, it's a freaking terrible tragedy.  He had a wife and two kids and so much life to live, let alone a best friend he'd just reconnected with in the last handful of years who really wanted to make up for lost time.  Second, I'm not used to losing people my own age.  You just don't expect to lose friends in your mid-40s.  It happens, but I guess it hits differently with people you spent your youth with, because we all felt so invincible then.  It's hard knowing one of those people is now gone.  I probably spent more time than would be advisable pondering that whole crush-reconnection scenario.  I probably asked God at least a couple times why He couldn't just throw me a bone--either to give my high school self some confidence or have the adult timing work out better (if only for closure)--but I guess now I know.  Maybe God was protecting me from anything going further down a path that would have made this time even harder.  I don't know.  But most of all, I think I'm struggling to mourn the hope that someday I'd get to reconnect with him again.  I always hoped there would be another reunion, a chance meeting out in the wild, something where we'd get a few minutes to reconnect and marvel at the grown-ups we'd become.  And now I know that will never happen.  I never got to tell him how sorry I was about his diagnosis, or how I'd been praying, or how much I loved meeting his wife.  Again, it's such a minor thing being on the outside, but it still made me sad.

I realized that I'd actually be in town around the time of the funeral events.  As of now I'm planning on going to Buffalo a day ahead of my family reunion to pay my respects on Friday.  Josh will be there, which helps, although I'm pretty bummed this is the way I'm getting to see him instead of one of the few near-misses at UR events, since he did his undergrad there.  This is definitely NOT the way I wanted that reconnection to happen.  I (and he) are hoping that others come out to the visitation so there's a way to keep Pat's memory alive in new ways and maybe make some good of this terrible thing.  Of course that means that my socially anxious self will spend most of the week obsessing over it and trying to rehearse things and prepare myself for all sorts of awkward scenarios.  But I think it's worth it.

So, cancer really sucks for a million reasons, and now this adds one to it.  I know I'll be able to move on and live my life and this will be a mere blip for me, meaning I'm the lucky one even if it's weighing heavily now.  But I'm not sure I'll ever be able to think of him without my heart breaking for his loved ones who lost him far too soon.  Rest in peace Pat...it was fun while it lasted.

Back We Go

Well, we made it through the first week of school.  I can't say it was a rousing success, but it wasn't bad.  Carter went back on Wednesday.

I was pretty nervous about how he might adjust to middle school life.  He is so disorganized and absent-minded, and I wasn't sure how he'd do with carrying books and making locker stops and simply finding his classes...or even making it to the right one.  His schedule is insane.  His school does a 10-day rotation, which I think is primarily to do a schedule where electives don't all fall on the same day.  So in any given 10 days, he will have most of his major subjects on eight, and then two will have some sort of other class.  Orchestra pops up in a couple different periods, chorus in one, and study hall pops up opposite Home and Careers.  Art and P.E. do a 6/4 split.  But it means his schedule is all over the place and even I would get confused with that.  Luckily most of his classes are in the same hallway as his locker.  But Home and Careers is a couple left turns away, lunch is a couple right turns, the gym is around a couple corners and down a floor, and orchestra is a couple corners and a long hallway.  But I guess it's better than it could be.  I'm hoping he can keep his locker and his bag organized--no more papers just shoved in.  They don't want them carrying bags because it crowds the hallways and classrooms, so I'm trying to figure out if he needs a pencil pouch for his writing utensils, or what.  He had a pretty resourceful idea to put them in the front (clear) pocket of his homework folder.  I don't know if that will keep working but I guess he can try for now since that goes to every class with him.

He is in almost all the same classes as his best buddy Ben, and he'll have orchestra with another friend of his.  Otherwise he's slowly starting to recognize people from baseball (which started up again this week) and I'm sure he'll make friends beyond that.  Lunches have been a rousing success--much better than elementary school as he bought every day--and he seems content for now aside from the fact it's only 20 minutes and it's around 10:20 in the morning (my first high school lunch was at 10:17 so I can relate).  He did lose his hoodie the first day, which was a bit annoying, and we figured that out at a time that caused him to miss the bus on day two, but he got there in time that day (after I dropped him off) to go looking for it where he thought he left it and he found it.  Speaking of the bus, we were a little confused on day one because we were waiting at the same bus stop as the neighbor, who's also in middle school but at a different school (the one we're zoned for).  They got on the same bus, which seemed weird, but I knew the district had made some changes to bus routes due to driver shortages, so I assumed it was okay.  But it sounds like Carter might have been the only kid to get off at his school, so I think they got stuck and had to add him to that bus and make a stop at his school as part of the route.  Not ideal to be on a bus full of kids from another school, but at least he's getting there.  So, jury's out overall, but he's doing okay so far.

As for Jacob, he didn't have to start until Thursday.  He found out shortly before that he has to wear uniform shirts instead of "spirit wear", which was allowed last year.  That was annoying.  We actually forgot to take a morning picture but I got him right as he got home.  

 

His first day was...less successful.  He's not thrilled about much of anything right now.  A lot of kids he knew left, he has a teacher that is fully remote in the Philippines, and basketball is still a bit of a wildcard.  I would love to get him out of there, to be honest, but we don't have a lot of options.  I think we could probably get a free pass because of the coach leaving to go to a prep school, and/or just based on sketchy academics that were much less effective than we were originally told, but the easy answer would be to go to a Greece school and Jacob refuses.  He thinks it will be worse than it is now, but I am pretty darn sure he's wrong.  For one, larger public schools have a whole assortment of friend groups, and you can find "your people" somewhere in there.  Second, he could take honors classes, which his school now doesn't have, which would point him in the direction of a better group of kids.  But he thinks Carter's school is too big and the basketball situation won't be favorable until next year.  The school we're zoned for wouldn't be a good basketball situation and the caliber of kids might be slightly lower.  The other two are similarly iffy on both the quality and basketball fronts.  The ideal situation would be to figure out how to get him into the district next door, which we're literally two streets away from.  Basketball would be better there and I think the size and assortment of kids would be a good fit.  We have a tiny lead there but a lot would need to fall into place.  But it would be so much better than the cockamamie scenario he and Craig had been trying to figure out for the last couple months, which I think distracted them from finding a real solution, to be honest.  A coach from one of the best districts in the county really wants Jacob, but we certainly can't afford to move there (or anywhere right now, with house prices and mortgage rates).  The idea came up to get an apartment (it could be comparable with private school, I suppose), but you can get in trouble if you don't actually live there and he's definitely not old enough to spend a couple nights like he and Craig were suggesting.  Not to mention that getting him a half hour across town in unpredictable city traffic could be a nightmare.  And he has a hard enough time getting out of bed as it is, and this school would be a lot less tolerable of tardies, so I don't think it's feasible in any form.  We can't live separate either because Craig can't cook.  I'd be a bit more tempted to try that setup with the close district, not just because getting to school would be easier, but because apartments would be a lot cheaper.  I feel like we have to do something, but it would have to get the blessing of Section V so basketball is not at risk.  And for the record, Jacob is insisting he can't transfer next year because colleges won't recruit kids that transfer as a junior.  I think he's wrong, that if he makes an impact in spring travel or is really strong on Varsity, people would have to look at him and hopefully he'd get a chance to explain himself at some point.  But he's still dealing with a lot of stuff with his shin, plus that one cranky lymph node, so that's still a point of frustration.  The rest of the weird viral stuff he's dealt with most of the summer seems better, though.  He's getting a little crazy about treating his shin.  He's been doing this dry needling thing that is like acupuncture but deeper--it's horrible to watch and pretty painful, which he's learning to manage--but it seems to help him so he wants it all the time.  He's tried some other weird stuff, like going between a sauna and cold tub and this thing where they rub the shin vigorously, but at least we know he has one of the best shin doctors out there.  It leaves a lot of question marks with his training, which is already starting to ramp up.  We'll check on the lymph node in a week and a half when the boys go back for their med check...which is also when we might ask for the Celiac test for Carter.  Good medical times over here.  Ugh. 

I have to say our mornings have been a bit better lately.  I will probably curse myself even writing that down, but so far it's been better.  Jacob has been getting up generally on time, Craig has been helping with making his morning eggs, and Carter hasn't taken his lunch yet so I save a few minutes not packing that.  All of those things have been a nice help to more peaceful mornings.  Carter and Jacob have to be out the door within about five minutes of one another every day, which means I can get an early start on work every day and the only variable is if I have to get up and shower early to go into the office (but still have about 15 minutes after the boys are out for anything that doesn't get done) or sleep in a bit and just get ready for a work day at home.  It's been nice and hopefully it sticks.

Otherwise, I still feel like I'm getting caught up on all the house things after being gone for two straight weekends and then putting most of my focus into prepping for the start of school.  I spent all of Friday night cleaning the kitchen floor and the bathroom and vacuuming most of the house.  That helped, although there's still so much that needs to be done.  I need a deep cleaner to come here and get me back to some sort of reasonable baseline, I think.  No one else notices all the things like I do, and my energy only goes so far after a long week of work.  I spent a good chunk of Saturday morning paying the price for neglecting my yard for most of the summer.  Because of all the mosquitoes (and spending most of my outside time trying to help the boys track down lost balls in the woods and ground cover), I rarely made it a point to get outside other than to check on the garden.  Things got way overgrown and I had a lot of work to do to clear out the patio cracks and the stone area where our hose is and the rest of the flower beds.  Two days later I could still barely walk from all of the crouching!  It's not perfect, but it's better.  I'll still have a lot of cleanup to do into the fall and next spring, but it's significantly less messy out there.  My garden is growing through the fencing and being gone for a couple weeks finally gave me enough tomatoes to not have to ration them.  I did end up with a handful of cukes and even a few giant zucchini, so those have been better than last year, which was awful.  The rest was a bit of a failure, but now we wait and see what else might grow before the fungus and frost finish everything off.  So, I got a few things managed but now Jacob needs couple more uniform pants (but is refusing to go try any on for style and sizing), my dining room table is still overrun with school supplies and my birthday cards, and other things that need to be attended to, and I still need to put together my Cedar Point souvenir.  I have one more weekend where I can get some things done before things ramp up again with busy weekends, so we'll see how that goes!  This is also taking up space on my dining room table.  These were my birthday flowers at their peak.  So pretty!

I'm a little sad it's the unofficial start of the fall season already.  I love summer and it seems to be the general consensus--more than usual, I think--that it went far too fast for everyone.  I don't think I had the same bucket list panic that I usually do--well, aside from cramming in two trips right at the end--so I guess in a lot of ways we did pretty good with what we had this summer.  I am appreciating the return to routine and having my house back to myself for working from home, and given that the transition actually went smoother than expected, I guess I can't complain that much.  And oddly, not being gone the entire week before school started (just most of it) felt better this year than any of the previous three.  We've already had some cooler weather, which started adjusting our mindset but is fortunately taking a break right now, but it reminded me I'm just not ready for cold weather yet.  I like my summer wardrobe and could use a little more time with it.  I'm also sad about the earlier sunsets because it makes it harder to get in a walk in the evenings before it's dark.  I might have to start going after work before I cook dinner when I can.  

 

But I know, there are so many great things about fall.  I love my decorations, the leaves are fun to watch, Oktoberfest cameras are already up and running, and sometimes those cozy clothes do feel nice.  But there's a lot of trade-offs and we all know what comes after.  It's not just the cold, though.  I don't know that I'm ready for the wild ride that is the rest of the year...speaking of which, the fact that the year only has three-and-a-half months left is mind-bending enough.  Wasn't it just New Year's?  I scrolled through the pictures on my phone recently, and January felt reasonably far away.  But for some reason, starting with pictures around Carter's birthday in February, including Jacob's basketball season, Carter's student of the month, the eclipse, Craig's 400th game and the Blue Jays game, right through spring flowers, I couldn't believe we're as far removed from that as we are.  It seems like all of that just happened.  The Dominican trip is funny--it's hard to believe it's almost been three months since we left, but at the same time that experience seems so far away, probably because it was so far removed from normal life, and it was also a major turning point--everything we've dealt with since that trip has been a LOT mentally.  I still have photos from that trip as my phone wallpaper and lock screen, almost to remind myself it actually happened, but I think it's just about time to replace them, even if it feels a little sad to "move on" from that moment a bit.  We've had a lot of lovely moments since, and I should honor some of those for a bit.

After all of the struggles of the summer, I am grateful for any return to normalcy we can get because, for moments there, I wasn't sure that was actually going to happen.  So I'm trying to embrace this time and appreciate the (fast) passage of time and the privilege it is to watch my kids grow and hopefully thrive.  We still have a couple things to work through on the "thrive" front, but I appreciate the opportunity to try.  It's hard some days because I feel perpetually overwhelmed and overtired by all that we've been through and all that needs to fit into each day, but right now I feel lucky to be where we are despite the challenges.  So many have it so much worse.  I know fall has some great moments and I look forward to those, even as I feel a little sad about the season we're leaving behind.  It feels oddly like how I feel around New Year's Eve, especially in a year that's been rough--grateful to leave the past behind and hopeful for better days, but tinged with a bit of sadness and regret at any wasted time or lost potential, and just a tiny bit of worry about what the unknown future holds.  Welcome to the mind of an anxious overthinker!

So, onward through week two we go!

One Last Thing (x2)

As I alluded to in my last post, there was still one last issue from our summer of issues that was still hanging heavily on my mind.  We still hadn't quite figured out Carter's whole mouth situation.  It seemed like the steroid cream and Aquaphor were the best combo for keeping the corner sores at bay.   The worst spot had finally healed and no longer looked on the brink of cracking, although it's still a little pink, but I think that's essentially scarring and should fade.  The swelling was way down, too.  Maybe not 100% gone but barely noticeable at worst.  I'm still not sure what fixed that--if the loose tooth coming out somehow did it, or the antibiotics worked but recovery took a while, or if finally healing the corner sore slowly let the rest of the inflammation clear.  But the inside of the mouth still had me worried.  It wasn't as bad but it was still a little weird.  When I went to the dentist in mid-August, the hygienist asked me about him (as did the dentist--they've been so sweet through this entire mess) and she said that if it didn't look significantly better by the time of his appointment at the end of the month, they'd probably consider taking a biopsy.  That set me off spiraling for a few days because the mere idea that it looked bad enough that something worse could be happening was concerning.  I kept asking myself, did they just not act on whatever they saw before because there was so much happening with the corner sores and all the swelling and the tissue trauma that they were just too confused to diagnose anything?  So now that things looked better, would it become clearer that some issue remained and something was definitely wrong?  I was very nervous as we approached his routine cleaning.

At the same time I was still trying to figure out how to get him and me to Cedar Point for a last use of our season passes from last year's trip.  We'd been planning to go in the last couple weeks of August since we went last year, but then my work got crazy, we had a couple important appointments pop up, and then we ended up doing our family vacation in my original time slot instead.  It just wasn't looking good--and even if we could go it would probably involve a weekend and lines would be long, defeating the entire purpose of waiting until late August.  Even still, I had a birthday weekend coming up and felt like it was worth a try.  I spent most of the week checking weather and hotel pricing, and working my butt off to try to get through a bunch of projects at work, just in case I could figure it all out.  But the more I thought about it, the more worried about the dentist appointment I got.  I started having flashbacks to the multiple medical emergencies immediately before three trips this summer, and I lost my nerve.  I could not book anything until we had an all-clear, because I was convinced I'd book it and then have some emergency dash to the hospital, or we'd be sent for a bunch of tests that would completely unnerve me and I'd be in no shape to drive for five hours.  Not to mention that if results came back while we were gone and I had to grapple with bad news alone with him five hours from home, that would be a nightmare of its own.  So I just couldn't do it.

I managed to finish my work on Thursday so I took the day off Friday to give myself an extra long weekend.  We went off to the appointment first thing Friday morning.  She took a look at him, inside and out.  She was impressed with how much better the outside looked, and then she poked around a lot inside.  There's still some swelling in there--one cheek is definitely thicker than the other--but she remarked that it was so much better.  She wondered if it was just a blocked salivary gland all that time.  Or maybe it was just a long-lasting viral thing.  No one's quite sure, but it was encouraging it was better.  The dentist agreed, so I guess we're okay for now.  We have no idea what just happened, although I'm going to push for the Celiac test regardless, and obviously I'm still going to keep a watchful eye on him.  He's got 12-year molars starting to come through but half of his baby molars are either out or loose now, so he could have a crazy few months ahead on the dental front regardless.  He might not be chewing much for a bit!  But for this particular issue, clearly their reaction was a huge relief but I can't let go of it completely just yet.  

But for that particular weekend, I felt like we were okay to move forward if I could make it work.  So I came home, talked to Craig, and found one of the cheap hotel deals I'd been eyeing up.  It wasn't the best but I figured it was worth a shot.  I booked it, packed us up in about 30-45 minutes, and we headed out!  It wasn't quite the same adrenaline rush trip as last year, although the circumstances were oddly similar.  We stopped for lunch in Erie and grabbed some Taco Bell to fuel us up for the second half of the trip.  We hit some dark clouds and rain along the way and then some traffic around Cleveland, and I was convinced it was just the beginning of another patience-testing trip like we'd had the previous trip.  I wasn't wrong, but thankfully the traffic never got too bad and the weather was fine past Cleveland, and before we knew it, we were there!  We arrived a little after 4pm, which was a couple hours earlier than last year.

Of course, as soon as we got there my phone decided to lose its mind.  I went to open our passes to get through the parking gate and suddenly my app was just opening up to a black screen.  And the Cedar Point passes that were in my Apple Wallet a month or so earlier (when I mistakenly tapped them instead of our Darien Lake passes) were nowhere to be found.  I was so confused.  Luckily I mentioned we were season passholders and the lady at the gate let us through.  I finally got to WiFi near the gate so the passes worked there.  I eventually figured out I blew through 2GB of data in the prior week because of all the stuff I had to do on our vacation.  I ordered more but oddly it never showed up on my phone.  That meant I didn't have data the whole rest of the trip, which came back to haunt me a bit, but at least in the park there was WiFi everywhere.  My phone's helpline had all sorts of excuses and eventually blamed a data outage, but when my plan autorenewed a couple days later, that data showed up...but the data I bought still hasn't, so I have that battle to fight yet to get my money back or get it loaded.  Anyway...

It was sort of fun because we were a week or so closer than last year to their HalloWeekends coming up, so a lot of the holiday decor was up.  

One of the fun things they do is their Dead Ride Cemetery that includes headstones and actual pieces of old rides.  It was pretty funny to see them all and brought back some good memories.

And of course, there was this.

That big spike was just a few footers with a couple bottom pieces of steel last year.

That big spike is the reason we entertained the idea of coming back this year in the first place--Top Thrill 2 was supposed to be open after a full redo, and we were dying to ride it.  But a couple weeks after it opened this year, something wasn't working as planned, and they closed it.  It was supposed to be temporary, but a couple weeks ago they announced it would remain closed all summer.  Booooo.  At this point I just hope they figure it out, ever.  Same with Steel Curtain at Kennywood, which we loved two years ago and was closed all year with major issues, too.

Couldn't resist!

In addition to wanting the TT2 rush to ease up, the other main reason we put off this trip to the end of August in the first place is because most of Ohio was back in school and I knew lines would be way shorter than the rest of the summer.  Sure enough, we got in and every line was about a half hour or less!  Most were walk-ons!  We immediately walked to the back of the park and got on Maverick, the ride where we waited the longest last time and was the most likely culprit of my COVID infection last year (unless it was Carter, who started sniffling en route).  The half hour wait was much better, and the ride hurt me way less too!  It was actually a lot of fun!  

Beauty shot of Steel Vengeance from the line

Nice view of Maverick from the exit--so many twists!

We also rode Steel Vengeance with a maybe 20 minute wait, which was amazing too.  That ride is so incredible and may have officially overtaken Millennium Force as my favorite! 

So steep!

Speaking of Millennium Force, we went there next for another quick 20 minute wait, but just as we got to the front of the line, they stopped loading people, moved the current passengers back to the platform, and spent about 10-15 minutes running empty trains with a maintenance guy on the phone.  That was frustrating, but we were right there so we just waited it out.  Again, more patience!  Finally they announced they were resuming, and we finally got our ride.  It was a little rougher than I'd hoped, but that drop is still incredible.

The pictures the rest of the day get a little scarce because my phone didn't charge properly on the drive so it was dying rapidly most of the rest of the day--and I needed to get us to the hotel that night!  We focused on getting as many big coasters done as we could.  We did Raptor (the suspended floorless coaster) and Valravn (the dive coaster), both with much shorter waits than last year.  Valravn had a lovely sunset shaping up while we were on it, but that also meant the bugs were coming out!  We were in the second row and still got nailed by a swarm at the end.  I only ate one but was able to fish it out.  Yuck.  What a lovely view, though.  I couldn't pick a favorite, so here you go...

We rode the Wild Mouse and Gate Keeper, which were both fun in their own ways.  There was a teenage boy and his mom in our Wild Mouse car and he was adorably nervous.  We had a fun little ride with them.  Gate Keeper is just a massive rush, and we've yet to do it during the day!  Then we hit up Rougaou (the floorless coaster which I am pretty much done with...ouch) and Iron Dragon (my first Cedar Point favorite, the suspended coaster) as time wound down for the night.  In line for Iron Dragon I snapped this picture, which was in a similar position to one I took of Carter last year when the first pieces of steel for the TT2 spike were in.

We also did a late night ride on the drop side of Power Tower (purple one below), which was fun and momentarily terrifying as always.

Two towers and Corkscrew

With tired feet we hopped on the Sky Ride for one last ride to get closer to the gate.  The views were lovely.
  

I snapped a picture of the lit carousel on our way out, and we called it a night!

We stopped for some food at McDonald's on the way off the peninsula because I didn't really eat dinner and Carter is always hungry.  Carter wanted a McFlurry and I settled on getting a Happy Meal because Carter wanted the fries and I just wanted the burger and the chocolate milk.  Turned out our hotel was really close by, but I missed it on the first pass because the sign was hard to see and it was right at an awkward intersection.  I ended up driving further up the road to find a good spot to turn around, but it turned out it was the same main drag where we ate a few times last year, so we scoped it out for breakfast and other future possibilities.  I got gas at the same moose-themed station (with a Dunkin' inside), and then we headed back to the hotel.  

The hotel was...unimpressive.  Not that I expected much for the price, but the reviews had been good enough.  It was adequate for what we needed, but I was thankful Jacob was not with us because he would have flipped.  It was an old style, outdoor entry motel.  At least the front desk guy was super friendly and we even got free waters!  Our room, however, was the tiniest hotel room I have ever had.  Two double beds, but no wall space next to one and just a little near the window on the other.  The air conditioner was literally hanging on the wall over my bed, and it was incredibly loud.  The bathroom was basically a closet--it had a normal tub but the toilet probably had no more than 18 inches of space in front of it, and the sink was tighter as the wall was at an angle.  I guess there was more room than usual at the foot of the beds, between them and the desk and fridge, because it was more of a square room than usual.  It also had a couple plain cushioned wooden chairs, and that was about it.  It wasn't terrible, just a little beat up.  It wasn't dirty but there was dust on the bedside lights.  It really just needs a coat of paint and some sprucing up, like better hiding of the air conditioner wires, patching up the wall  scuffs a bit, and replacing the tissue box cubby in the bathroom (it was an empty metal hole in the wall).  But for just sleeping it wouldn't have been terrible had the air conditioner not been so darn loud.  There was also this one small fly we could never quite kill.  I got smart on night two and turned the thermostat up so the air only had to run a couple times.  But that first night it kept me up, and it got an assist from a super loud thunderstorm that passed through.

When I woke up on Saturday, I was a year older.  Yes, it was my birthday!  And at least I got to spend it with my favorite ride buddy!  We slept later than would have been ideal, but I was tired and clearly so was he.  We got Dunkin' for breakfast and made our way to the park.

This time I had my parking pass ready to go, and I had to get the money shot at the gate!

Their pass reader must flag birthdays because when we scanned in, I got wished a Happy Birthday!  Felt like a little touch of Disney!  It was sort of a blah morning weather-wise.  It was cloudy for quite a bit and we felt a couple drops, but it started to clear up late morning and just got hot.  We rode Millennium Force again while the line was short-ish, and this ride was much better.  We loved the back car!  We got on Blue Streak after that, which is always a good but bumpy time.

Lines were definitely longer already that day as it was a weekend.  I expected that, and had tried to tell myself that whatever we did over the course of the weekend was just a bonus, but it got a little frustrating when we were crisscrossing the park trying to ride things and find food but getting a bit stuck.  We tackled Cedar Downs, which we always love (Carter won!)...

And then did the antique cars, where I was once again chauffeured.

I don't think we had one rail bump, so he did a good job!

We did the "up" side of Power Tower, then hopped on Gemini.  I still love that they use the old banners there with that classic font and the old symbols Cedar Point used on a few of their marquee rides.  

Oh, and when we got in line, the slingshot next door was stuck in mid-air!  I've sort of always wanted to try one, partly because my father has long been obsessed with the POV videos of riders on the internet, but it scares me to death, and seeing that didn't help!  What a nightmare that would be!  They did start lowering them within maybe 10 minutes.  Gemini was pretty great though, and it felt a little smoother to me than last year.

One of my goals was to ride the Frontier Station leg of the train because there are funny skeleton setups over there and we missed them last time.  I didn't expect to get this gorgeous shot of Millennium Force!

And the skeletons were cute.  Everyone jokes how this guy has been (badly) fighting the fire in the building (zoom to see the fire in the windows) for decades!

We had a few struggles with ride lines and food as the afternoon dragged on, although our eventual chicken fingers and fries were good, but eventually we decided it was time to try the waterpark.  I hadn't been there since my friend Lois and I went back in 2001.  We had fun then, and a lot has been added and changed since, including the name, but I hoped we'd have a good time.

Well...that was not exactly how it went.  First, it was annoying to find a changing room, and then when we went to grab a locker, I realized they were all $22 all day lockers instead of the cheaper short-term ones in the rest of the park.  We were only going to be there for a few hours!  Ugh.  It was bad enough that I had to pay $3 a pop out in the park for lockers on all of the coasters where they don't allow bags into the line at all.  Some have cubbies up on the platform, but I'm convinced the ones that don't are strategically placed all over the park so you can't do two rides per locker rental unless you add time or want to walk a ton.  It's a scam and it's one of the things that pisses me off the most because they're actively trying to screw you over.  But $22 for something that used be a couple quarters each time you opened it just grinds my gears like little else.  Anyway, then we found out a bunch of slides and a lazy river were closed because it's the end of the season and most of their lifeguards went back to college.  The slides that were open were really slow.  We did do the not-so-lazy river, which was an old favorite of mine--it has a lot of water features and even a wave pool section that's really fun--but eventually gave up on the big round raft slide because the line never moved for 10 minutes aside from the people who quit the line.  

We moved over to the other side of the park and did the racing slides, which actually weren't as terrible as I remembered.  I still remember getting splashed in the face pretty good, but this time wasn't bad.  Looking back now at old pictures, I think pretty much every slide has been replaced since I was there, so it probably wasn't the same one anyway!  We tried to ride one where the floor drops out like Darien Lake's Brain Drain, but they said I couldn't wear my watch.  Trust me, it's not going anywhere--I have worn it on all manner of slides and it never moved!  But I was not hauling halfway across the park to put it in the locker, and it was probably just as well because the line was terrible. The other slide in that section looked awesome--a steep tube slide--but there were no tubes available and we only saw a handful of people come down despite watching for a really long time as we waited in line for the slides across the way.  The line never got shorter, even as closing time approached.  We went on the blue and orange ones in the picture below--Carter on orange and me on blue.  They weren't bad, but again, the wait was long.  The rest of the slides in that cluster were closed.
 

One cool thing about the water park is that Magnum runs through it.  We watched repeatedly as people cringed (and laughed) in pain on the last few airtime hills near the end, where it kills your thighs.

We wrapped up the waterpark with another set of tube slides.  Those were actually pretty fun.  But the park closed an hour earlier than Darien's does, and Carter never got to do the kids lily pad walk, not to mention the other ones we got shut out on.  To add insult to injury, we tried another changing room since ours had a line, and that one had no rooms with benches in the bathrooms, just showers.  I can't change without putting things down so I had no choice but to wait endlessly for a family changing room, leaving Carter out waiting on a bench.  That was super frustrating too.  With how good Cedar Point's operations usually are, I was shocked at how bad that waterpark experience was.  I think they don't let people slide until the previous person is completely out of the pool, which is so weird and makes things SO slow.  Six Flags is usually the bad one, and this was light years worse than anything I've ever seen at Darien Lake.

When we came out of the water park, ride lines were long but we needed to grab some food anyway.  We had a quick dinner--corn dogs and fries for Carter, and really good Dole Whip and Carter's extra fries for me--while debating our options.  The line was still oddly long for Magnum, so we figured the best use of our time was one more ride on Steel Vengeance because we know it's always worth it.  I'd much rather wait 45 minutes for a sure winner than one that's going to hurt me.  Of course, the most amazing sunset happened while we were in line, and since no phones are allowed, I missed the best part of it.  But we did have a great view from the top of the stairs near the platform so I tried to take it all in as we stood there.  We also had a gorgeous view from the lift hill with the park lights coming on on one side, and the sunset and the lake on the other.  The ride was incredible, although it was bug time again and I was oddly relieved we were placed in the second row of the first car, and not the front.  Sure enough, the first hill I felt a bug hit my head, and next thing I saw was the front row passengers covering their mouths for most of the rest of the ride!  Yikes!  I did manage to snag this shot when we got off...

And I got the tail-end of the sunset here, too.  It was so pretty!

We eventually gave up on riding Magnum because the line was still inexplicably long.  I swear it was perpetually 15 minutes or less most of our trip last year when everything else was busier, so I have no idea what happened this time.  It was a bummer, but my thighs were grateful.  We also skipped the Cedar Creek Mine Ride as that was not worth the wait, and Corkscrew, which is concussion city for me.  We also missed out on the ferris wheel and Windseeker (the high swings), which was a bit of a bummer, but again, anything we did was really a bonus so I was grateful for the opportunity to ride what we did.

We did one more Gemini ride because the line was short.  Once again, we had the most glorious view from the top of the ride.  The sunset was still there on the horizon, but just in really deep hues.  The clouds were a dark reddish-purple.  The lights of the park and especially Steel Vengeance were amazing.  It was one of the prettiest things I have ever seen, but again...no camera allowed!

We headed back to the boardwalk section of the park for one last sweep. I sort of liked this blurred shot of Corkscrew I got on the way.

I wanted to try to get more fun pics and animations of the ferris wheel and Windseeker like I accidentally did last year, and briefly entertained another ride on Gate Keeper, but by then I was so over the stupid locker policy that we skipped it.  I settled for a few more pictures...

And a couple fun loop videos...

We wrapped up the night with some souvenir shopping.  Carter wanted two different Snoopy Lego-type sets to go with the one he got last year.  In the end I bought one and he was going to pay for the other.  Speaking of which, I still need to get paid!  I was heavily debating whether I was going to get myself a souvenir.  I really wanted a building block version of the front car of Steel Vengeance, but wasn't sure it was really worth it.  But it was sold out online and it was my birthday, darn it, so I got it!  I suppose my birthday was a bit of an understated one.  I guess the whole weekend was a bit of a celebration, but I sort of forgot for half the day that it was my birthday.  A second birthday wish when we scanned into the waterpark reminded me, though!  After four straight birthdays on the road, I might be ready for one at home! 

 

We headed out of the park and back to our little hotel room for the night.  Oh, and by the way, the SyFy channel was showing a Harry Potter marathon all weekend and Carter is now weirdly interested in it.  Maybe I can convince him to read the books!  But if not, I'm sure he'll want to see all the movies and then he'll be ready whenever we make it to Universal Studios!  We got a better night's sleep and slept in a bit the next morning.

We could have gone back to Cedar Point for one more run, but I think we were sort of ridden-out by then, with sore feet and a bit of sun (it was sneaky when the clouds cleared on Saturday and I got a little toasty before I remembered to put on sunscreen).  Had we woken up early I might have considered it more, even just for those last few rides before it got busy, but we also thought about trying to go to the Pirates-Guardians game or the Museum of Illusions since Cleveland has one too, but I would rather do the Guardians stadium as a family and both options were a bit pricey, which I felt bad about after a weekend's expenditures on a hotel room, food, lockers, and souvenirs.  I had also considered stopping in to see my parents, but my dad ended up with COVID so that was out too. 

Ultimately we decided to just go home and get an extra evening there.  We were going to Buffalo on Labor Day for Craig's dad's birthday, so a little extra home time felt badly needed.  I spent most of the morning chatting with customer service about my phone.  I didn't end up with much resolution, so I had no choice but to do my best to plan ahead while I had WiFi at the hotel.  It took so long that we checked out just in time.  We stopped at the Aldi down the road because Ohio Aldis have cheap wine and I wanted to stock up on the ones I'd seen people raving about for months.  Then we had to get just a quick, small breakfast--again at Dunkin'--because we wanted to hit up Raising Cane's on the far side of Cleveland about an hour or so later for lunch.  

Well, everything seemed fine until I realized that the Raising Cane's I had mapped out was not in fact the one I wanted.  I thought I had tapped the farthest one east, but somehow it took me to one that was still on the west side of Cleveland.  I wanted one a bit farther away to break up the drive a bit better, but of course I didn't have data to map out a new one.  We probably just should have sucked it up and stayed there, but no...I drove across the street to the Giant Eagle, very annoyed, and used their WiFi to map out another one.  I opted for the second to last one along our route because it was closer to the highway than the last one.  So off we went again, this time using the old school GPS I had tucked in my glove compartment.  It's not reliable for looking up current businesses, but it works for routes and traffic and turned out to be very helpful.

Interestingly, our route took us a different way than I've ever gone, coming into Cleveland from the west along the lake.  That meant we got a nice view of the football stadium!

We also got a glimpse of the science museum and Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.  We passed by an airport along the lake that was hosting an air show, and I'd like to think we somehow also bypassed a bunch of baseball traffic, too.  Not a bad detour, if we had to take one!  We finally got past the city and headed toward Raising Cane's.  But when we got there it looked oddly empty.  I guess I didn't look closely enough when I grabbed the address because it's brand new and not opening for at least another month!  Noooo...not again.  On the bright side, there was a Burger King next door where I could get WiFi and I knew there was still one more further east, the one we went to last year, so I popped that into the GPS, and off we went again!

Finally, at long last, we arrived at a functional Raising Cane's and executed our plan to split a chicken finger meal and a sandwich, and had a lovely lunch.  It really is good.  Carter wanted me to take a picture of this Snoopy-fied drawing of what I believe is the founder and his dog to show to Craig, the big Peanuts fan.

We headed home and listened to a painful Pirates game en route.  They were no-hit for more than half the game (and ironically did get no-hit a few days later) and the Guardians broadcaster was so annoying.  They lost pretty badly.  We decided to stop in Fredonia for a bathroom break since it was one of the last spots with easy access off the highway for another hour or so, and I had drunk a lot of Dr. Pepper.  I noticed clouds getting really dark along the lake as we got closer.  We decided to go into the Aldi there (I ended up purchasing a couple cheap mums to replace my rapidly dying hanging plants), and while we were in the store, the skies opened up!  We paid and then stood in the doorway for about 10 minutes waiting for it to get at least tolerable enough to run through.  It was really coming down hard and I didn't really want a damp ride home.  We struck up a nice chat with someone else as we stood there and finally, all of a sudden, it just stopped.  With that, we went to the car and started our last leg.  

The only other thing of note from the drive was that I saw something weird as we approached Batavia.  At first I thought it might be fireworks because I could see a flash and some smoke, and it kept moving further over in the sky.  As we got closer I realized it was a plane, and then I realized it was a plane doing stunts.  I didn't find out until later that it was part of an actual air show (I had a friend who attended).  

That killed a few minutes of the drive, though, just trying to figure that out.  

It was a relief to get home and start unpacking.  I did finally get my birthday presents--flowers, a funny pair of socks, and a book called "What Would Velma Do?" since the boys always compare me to Velma from Scooby-Doo.  Apparently Carter and Craig found that at Barnes and Noble while killing time during Jacob's ER visit.  Luckily they found it cheaper on Amazon and were very excited when it arrived the previous week, but I put off opening it until after my birthday so I still had something to look forward to.  

As I mentioned, we went to Buffalo on Monday to celebrate Craig's dad's birthday.  His Aunt Marie hosted (because of the family weirdness) and it was fun because her kids and grandkids were there, so we got some bonus time with them and another aunt and uncle too.  After that we just had one more day left before things got real and it was back to the grind.  But it was nice to get one official last adventure to close out our summer!