News & Notes, COVID-Ween Edition

The night before the Albany trip, Carter and I carved our pumpkin.  It figures that the one year I got him to participate in carving for a significant period of time, he was spewing COVID vapors, but he was a good help separating seeds from pulp.  Fair trade-off, I suppose...haha.  We ended up carving a different pumpkin than we originally intended to.  My office had a pick-a-pumpkin event last week and I chose a rather large one just because I could.  I liked the shape, too.  Well, once I got it home, I noticed there were a couple funky looking spots on it that were probably early signs of rot.  I decided that maybe we should carve that one before it rotted, because I wanted at least one of the big pumpkins to last through Thanksgiving.  The smaller one would fit better anyway, so we'll keep that one intact and let the rotting one go. 

I know I shared the picture of Carter with our purchases, but I don't think I ever gave a close-up view.

The tiny orange one was just too cute, and the white one was cheap and provided a nice contrast.  Carter really liked the green and yellow-orange one.

I loved the colors on this piece on how they almost looked like abstract art.

I decided to try something different with our jack o'lantern.  I saw a bunch of fun pumpkins with "peeled" teeth on Pinterest and thought I'd give it a shot.  It ended up being harder than expected, but I guess it was passable.  I also took a design risk with the eyes, which Carter loved.  I think this is the first pumpkin that looks creepier unlit than lit!  Lit, it looks goofy.  Unlit, it looks crazy and unhinged!

The teeth shrunk considerably over the next couple days and turned a little orange, which was a little bit of a bummer, but it still worked.  You can see in the picture below how much bigger the carved pumpkin was compared to our original, which felt pretty big itself!

The giant will go out when the mold takes over during the next few very warm days, but the rest will stick on the porch until Thanksgiving is over.  Hopefully then we can harvest some seeds and maybe try again to grow funky pumpkins next spring if I get my act together and get some new fencing.

As for Halloween itself, obviously we had a little bit of a complication with Carter having COVID.  Do we make him miss out?  Ironically, Jacob missed Halloween two years ago because he was waiting on a super slow COVID test result that ended up being negative.  We were so cautious then.  This year, after some consideration, we decided that if he was wearing a KN95 mask, since he was outside and only on each doorstep for 30 seconds or less, that it was probably okay.  I figured he could steer clear of crowds, and since he was feeling significantly better, mostly with just a lingering minor cough, it wouldn't be too risky. 

He decided to wear Jacob's Scream costume from 5th grade, which made things easy and cheap--and thank goodness because his class didn't do Halloween this year for some reason, so this was it.  He'd been wearing it around the house for a couple weeks, though, and I love that he had his double-entendre photo idea--Scream (the movie) doing Scream (the painting).  Silly kid, but it works!

All ready to go!  

Craig took him out this year since we normally alternate, and honestly, the last thing I wanted to do that night was go out into the slightly damp evening and navigate the neighborhood.  It's fun, but it always turns into a challenge to decide how far to go, figure out which houses are actually doing candy (last year was a tough one--the usual signs weren't working!), and how to get home before we were too cold or needing the bathroom.  For whatever reason, my brain just couldn't do all that and think through the COVID stuff, too.  Not to mention that I needed to fix Jacob's phone that night, as it randomly lost service that day.  In the end, they had an awesome night.  They got a ton of candy and had a lot of fun seeing the cool stuff around the neighborhood.  But then Craig mentioned that they went with the kids across the street, who had come to our door right before Craig and Carter were going out, and I was like, "Why would you do that when Carter has COVID?!" ::face palm:: So much for keeping distance!  Despite his mask I was nervous that he was walking with them and standing on crowded steps with them.  Hopefully everything is okay, but that was probably not the best judgment call on his part! In the end, Carter was pretty happy with his haul that was overflowing his pumpkin!

Miraculously, none of us have tested positive.  Craig and I have tested twice and Jacob once.  I definitely had some headachy moments, especially over the weekend and in evenings (I blame the evening ones on work and stress), and despite some other random symptoms like slight congestion and random aches, nothing has really been long-term or severe and clearly nothing has stuck.  We've been careful, with Carter mostly staying in the basement except for when he sleeps, and his door has been closed for that.  We all have masked when we're near him.  We kept him home from school for an extra day because he still tested positive Wednesday morning.  Supposedly people are considerably less likely to be contagious by eight days in, so I guess it's probably time for him to go back, which he did yesterday, but it makes me nervous knowing how close he sits with his classmates and that lunch will happen without a mask.  

I was nervous Wednesday morning because Craig was feeling off stomach-wise and then came back and slept a few hours after getting up early with Jacob to go to the gym and shoot.  But his test was negative, as was mine, which I took to confirm that I could go into the office a bit for my boss' surprise 20th anniversary lunch.  I had offered the successful suggestion of Olive Garden catering and then I thought I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.  But given the negative test, lack of concrete symptoms, masking while not eating, and planning to keep a slight distance while eating, I figured it was doable.  My Olive Garden was delicious and my boss was shocked!  She's like, "Oh, that's why you wanted to be here so badly!"  I would have felt terrible missing her big moment, but I'm not gonna lie--Olive Garden would have been sad to miss, too!

I'm still sort of in shock that I didn't get it.  I was with him doing the pumpkin, as I read to him at bedtime, and on Friday morning when I tested him and he sneezed repeatedly after being swabbed.  I shouldn't really have any immunity left--it's been almost a year since my vaccine booster and more than eight months since my exposure that led to a month of headaches and likely caused the antibodies that my blood donation testing revealed.  I think my blood type is considered a lower risk one, and for a while I thought maybe there was some sort of genetic thing happening since my parents hadn't gotten COVID either, but then they got it a couple weeks ago.  When Craig and Jacob got it, I had the booster and recent exposure to protect me.  I slept next to Craig and had rather close affectionate contact and didn't get it.  But it makes no sense this time.  My mom could go to a funeral wake and get it, and yet I sit next to my kid for 10 minutes and carve a pumpkin with him for 20, have him sneeze a foot away, and nothing.  It's so bizarre.  It's also possible that I rinsed the COVID right out of my sinuses before it had a chance to gain a foothold, thanks to the saline and steroid rinse I've been doing for my sinus problems. 

Speaking of which, I fortunately seem to be back to my allergy-ridden baseline.  I started irrigating my sinuses last week, and it seemed to make a difference.  There's still a low level of congestion, but I no longer feel sick every minute of every day.  I mostly have a little dryness, which causes its own type of discomfort, but it's so much better than the sinus pressure, the soreness in my mouth, and the general blah feeling.  Now to just get my overall energy back and get back into better habits--at least once Carter is out of the basement and I can sterilize my weights!  I still wonder what happened to cause all this, and I now have a theory that I have a hole between by sinus and my soft palate where that sore spot was, because I swear the nasal rinse keeps leaking into my mouth, but I guess I'll just ask that question when I follow up with the ENT.

The downside of the COVID stuff, even as we come out of it, is that Carter and I won't be going on the last basketball trip of the year to Spooky Nook in Pennsylvania.  I missed Spooky Nook last time around due to my cousin's wedding, and I was so looking forward to finally checking it out this time.  No such luck.  It just doesn't make sense to cram all of us into a hotel room when Carter is still supposed to be masked, since he can't really mask while sleeping.  It stinks.  Hopefully we can take advantage of gorgeous weather this weekend and do some outside stuff without much risk, but I'm still feeling a little torn about whether he could go to a playground unmasked, since I know he'd get judgmental looks being masked at a playground--either because he's masked or because he's not that far removed from COVID.  But maybe we can pick a hike or something that would be safer.  Not many leaves to look at now, but I'm sure we can find something interesting to do with the weather this nice.  And in between I think I need to do a bunch of yard cleanup.  I will thank myself after it snows and again in the spring!

I still can't really believe it's November.  The weather will keep that confusion going for a few days too (highs in the 60s and 70s through the weekend; seems more like September), but it is absolutely mind-boggling that "fun fall" is basically over and we're heading toward the winter part.  The trees dropped their leaves in bunches over the last week or so, and that just made reality hit home even more.  Those trees will be empty until April or May now.  It has snowed in early November many times before.  Thanksgiving is in three weeks and Christmas decor will be up right after that.  It seems like we were just at Disney, just celebrating the 4th of July, just having Jacob's birthday...heck, just taking down the Christmas stuff back in January...and now it's almost the end of the year again.  It's like we're in some sort of weird time warp because time is going so fast.  Part of that I blame on the break-neck pace I've had at work for the last year, but home life hasn't really slowed down either.  The other day I noticed the faint outline of my spring flower window clings on my kitchen window.  When it fogs up from steam and I haven't been diligent about cleaning the whole window you can usually see ghosted outlines of what was there previously, and it blew my mind to realize that we got the new window back in April when the clings were still up.  It seems like that window installation just happened.  But no, over six months now!  Part of me is panicked when I realize Christmas is coming, and yet part of me is excited to have the trees up again and I already have a bunch of ideas for the kids.  Seeing displays in stores is still giving me anxiety, mind you, but maybe the distraction feels needed.  

Anyway, off to a weekend that isn't going to go like I expected, but hopefully it will work out well nonetheless.  I'll miss seeing Jacob play and exploring a new place, but time with Carter is always fun and the weather looks pretty fabulous, so it could be worse!

Just when I thought I had it covered...

This weekend's trip has been on my radar for a couple months, knowing it was the one basketball trip I'd be covering solo.  It was Knighthawks' training camp opening weekend, so Craig had to work.  He'd made a deal to be off for the Spooky Nook trip in Pennsylvania next weekend so this one was pretty much non-negotiable.  I didn't love the thought of wrangling both boys on a nearly four-hour trip, but over the past few weeks we worked out a few things and I finally felt pretty good about it.  We decided I could take my car instead of the van by moving Carter's seat behind me, which would let Jacob move his seat fully back for max leg room, and putting movies on my computer for Carter like I did for the Kennywood trip.  The van is definitely better for travel but I hate driving it around busy and less familiar areas like where we were staying, so I knew I'd feel better about my car.  At least we knew the area a bit from last year, enough to know where all the restaurants were, what stores were available, and the closest playground.  We were playing later in the day (or so the schedule initally said), so no crazy early mornings.  We had snacks from last weekend and had worked out some of our travel hiccups then, so I felt like we were going to be okay.

And then Carter came down with a cold.  He seemed a little extra sniffly on Thursday morning but otherwise felt okay, so we let him go to school.  He sometimes has congestion in the morning anyway and while it was clearly a bit worse, we couldn't really tell if it was worth keeping him home.  He had Friday off anyway, so it was just one day.  I told him if he felt worse during the day to just go to the nurse and I'd come get him since I was working from home.  He definitely had a little cough and complained about a sore throat by the time he came home, but he was in good spirits.  I read him a book that night but ended up not laying with him since it was late and he was still coughing and sniffly.  

I took off Friday since he was home for parent-teacher conference day.  I meant to test him in the morning, but he slept in for a bit and once he woke up I was busy packing and getting him set up with breakfast and clothes before I left for the parent-teacher conference.  The conference ended up being a whole other thing.  I didn't exactly expect his teacher to gush about him based on what he'd been saying about school, but it was considerably worse than I expected for a kid who does well on most of his assignments and has a number of stars on his behavior chart.  The teacher has a middle school background and seems a bit inflexible in regard to elementary kids being a bit more needy and irresponsible.  She was actually surprised to find out Carter is medicated for his ADHD because he's so high energy and rather disorganized.  I know that's an issue (I see his backpack daily and saw his desk at open house) and we've been encouraging him to be better about his folders and desk.  Apparently he's a bit overzealous pointing out when others make mistakes, and he's just not good at following certain directions or transitioning between activities, which wasn't a surprise either based on challenges at home.  Academically he's fine, but with his teacher knowing what it takes to be successful in middle school, I think she's trying to get him on track to do better.  That's understandable, but he is still just in fourth grade and there's a lot of maturing to do between now and then.  He definitely does rush through his work and make careless mistakes, and I wish we could get his writing looking a little more legible, but it's all a process.  His teacher definitely rubbed me the wrong way in a lot of ways, though.  She explained that his last teacher didn't really pass along any info on him that would have prepared her for his quirks, but since his last teacher was a great fit and never expressed any complaints about him, I guess maybe she didn't realize that he might not react the same to everyone.  I get that, but isn't your job as a teacher to adapt a bit?  She admitted some days she goes home and feels like she was mean to him, and trust me--I get it, he can be exasperating sometimes.  She asked me what I thought would help and I said that sometimes I don't think he hears or processes certain instructions because he's immersed in what he's doing and blocking everything else out.  So maybe don't assume he heard you and is being a jerk--be intentional about letting him know it's time to stop and make sure he heard you.  I am definitely going to talk to him as well because I think there are things he needs to work on--direct instructions he repeatedly defies like keeping his agenda out for her to review or not taking his rock collection out at dismissal--because he's making things harder for everyone by not following simple rules like that.  I did say I'd check with the doctor to see if his medicine dose is still appropriate after all the growing he's done in the past year, because it's possible he needs a bump if she's not seeing it at school.  So, that was all pretty disappointing, but I think we can get there.  It's just going to take work.  He's an earnest kid who wants to do well at school and wants to be liked, so I think if I can explain to him some of her struggles, maybe it will help him understand and give him some hope that he can improve his standing with her.  I think right now he feels like he can't do anything right in her eyes, so maybe he either doesn't make an effort or just assumes it won't matter, but if he makes a couple improvements and shows he's trying, it will go a long way.

Since we had the day off, Carter and I were planning on going to a playground a half hour away that he had been asking to go back to.  We were going to leave after the conference, but it was still really cold out so we were going to wait until after lunch and get back just in time to meet Jacob after school and get ready to leave for Albany.  I remembered as I was working on finishing packing that I still needed to test him.  If he had seemed significantly worse I was going to take him to the doctor to get the triple test (COVID, flu, RSV), plus a strep test since that had been in his class, but he said he felt a little better so we just did the COVID test at home.  He hates them so much--he sneezes so badly after getting swabbed--but we pushed through.  And imagine my disbelief as I looked down at the processing test as I threw out all of the packaging and there was already a visible line at the T.  Noooo.  Dammit, he was positive for COVID.  Well, sh**.  So much for our weekend.  

I panicked and called Craig to figure out what the heck we were going to do.  Carter clearly couldn't go on the trip, but Craig had to work, and we were all exposed, so what were the odds that Jacob or I could get through the weekend without getting sick ourselves?  I tested myself and was negative, and Craig tested too and was also negative.  We also had nearly $400 sunk into a hotel room and could not figure out how we might send Jacob with the team and get him checked in without an ID, or get him fed (obviously he can't eat just anywhere) or anything else.  It just didn't seem to work.  We decided that I would try to take him and just hope that my system could fight anything off long enough to get through the weekend.  I'd mask and keep bolstering my immune system with zinc and vitamin C, and take tests with me (along with a slew of cold medicine and DVDs to watch if I was stuck in the hotel room).  If I ended up positive, I'd just mask up and drop him off for games, then return to the hotel and wait.  It wouldn't be fun to mask all weekend, but it would be worth it if he could play.  His team was down a few players for the weekend so he was needed and would get to play more.  The plan had a million things that could go wrong, but we had to give it a try.

I finished packing and nervously waited for Jacob to get home from school.  Carter squirreled himself in the basement with a mask on and watched a movie.  When Jacob got home and I broke the news to him, in true Jacob fashion he ended up freaking out more about the fact that Carter was downstairs contaminating his Legos than the potential for any of us getting COVID or ruining his weekend.  Oy.  As a side note, did you know that you can't spray Legos with Lysol?  Apparently there's a chemical in it that breaks down the plastic.  I'm pretty sure I did a light spray after he had COVID, but I don't think it was significant...but oops.  Jacob was throwing out roadblocks to getting ready and leaving as a result, but finally put on a mask and moved everything to his satisfaction.  After some last-minute packing, we said goodbye to Carter (who would have to wait for Craig to get home later) and headed out.  We had a slow start with having to get gas, pick up some extra stuff at Wegmans, and stop downtown at Craig's office to grab the GPS and give him a couple things.  Eventually we were on the road with a 7:30 arrival estimate.

By some miracle, neither of us had to stop to use the bathroom and we kept ourselves occupied with snacks so we didn't need to stop for dinner.  I wanted to minimize the amount of dark driving I had to do, and in the end it was probably only about an hour.  We had a nice sunset in the rear view, which was nice.

The ride was actually really great, despite the fact I did the whole thing masked since I'd had more exposure to Carter than Jacob had, and it was more important to keep him healthy.  I was nervous about filling the time with a sometimes-grumpy teenager, especially once the whole weekend was called into question and could make his anxiety flare.  But we had great conversations the whole way.  We talked a lot about why his classmates and school policies confuse him, and I tried to explain a lot of it by hearkening back to my college years when I knew what it was like to be a struggling Christian trying to be responsible with my dating and figure out what God's will was for my life.  At his school, no one seems to be interested in dating, and the school forbids showing affection anyway.  Sometimes it's fun to have older kids and have more honest, I've-been-there type conversations because sometimes those can be more meaningful.  We talked about a lot of different stuff and kept ourselves occupied pretty well.  I was starting to drag a little bit by the last hour--worrying that my achiness from sitting in the same position for hours was actually COVID--but it was a relief to get to the hotel.  We did a late dinner at Five Guys around the corner, and then did a quick run to Walmart so I could buy a foam mattress topper to make the pull-out sofabed in the room a bit more comfortable.  We could only get a king with a sofabed from the team's block of rooms, and we tend to default to giving Jacob the comfortable bed so he plays well and isn't stiff.  If there's four of us he has to share, of course, but it was actually a good thing Carter wasn't with us because this one ended up being less than a full.  It would have been cozy!  I figured that I'd invest $20 in a topper that we can keep handy for future sofabed rooms.  It wasn't a perfect fix but it was better than nothing.

All in all, our day was a really good one.  Even Jacob admitted he was having fun with me--maybe more than Craig since Craig isn't as much of a talker on trips--and that was probably more than I could ask for, particularly at a time like this when we're struggling to connect at home.  We went to bed at a reasonable time and were happy to sleep in.  In the end, I didn't sleep great.  I was trying to sleep with a mask just in case, but it was really starting to hurt my ears so I had to quit around 3:30.  I was slightly uncomfortable for most of the night and flipped over a lot.  The other complication was that I was constantly sort of self-checking to see if I was noticing any symptoms cropping up.  Stuff like that tends to preoccupy me all night and it usually leaves me sleeping very lightly.  All things considered it wasn't a terrible night of sleep, but it was a little annoying knowing that Jacob was all spread out on the king bed!  At least the night was long enough in duration that I wasn't super exhausted in the morning.  

Our room was pretty cool and modern, though.  There was a fancy walk-in shower but an otherwise traditional bathroom, and once again the bed was on the wall opposite the bathroom, facing the windows.  The sofabed was cool and modern, and there was cool lighting and a funky cabinet with the fridge and microwave.  And lots of USB plugs!

The wooden thing is the cabinet hiding the fridge and microwave.  My suitcase is on an ottoman for the couch.  The TV had a changing shelf and the lamp behind the couch had plug and USB outlets.

This is the couch put back together, complete with a little side table.

We had a relatively lazy morning.  We finally left around 11 to visit a place right near the same Five Guys we ate at, a little spot called 518 Donuts.  They serve gluten-free chicken and donuts, along with a larger selection of regular donuts.  It wasn't cheap, but Jacob loved the chicken and we took a half dozen donuts to get him through the weekend.  I grabbed a Subway sub and we headed back to the room to eat and get ready for the first game.  

He was so excited about the chicken that he took a picture (and he's not a picture taker)!

Jacob's team was still having shooting problems like last weekend, but at least Jacob was not!  He scored four three-pointers in the first game!  It was great to see him get some points with the extra playing time he got.  Unfortunately, his team lost by 10 and he was kicking himself more for the two-pointer he missed near the end than celebrating the ones he did get.  We watched another team from his same organization play after that, and then it was back to game two.  He got two three-pointers in the second game, but the team still struggled and lost by 24.  That was such a bummer because they feel so much better than this.  Being down three players didn't help and they're just sort of generally struggling, but it still felt really disappointing.

Here's a sampling of his baskets:

We wrapped up the night by picking up Chipotle and hanging out in the room.  He left for a team meeting for a bit, and then we randomly watched some Bob Ross on PBS, which brought back good memories of my grandma, who painted herself and loved to watch him.  I decided Bob Ross and his simple teaching style is the reason we have paint-and-sip places today.

By bedtime I was definitely feeling a little bit of a headache.  I'd had maybe a little extra junk in my throat for parts of the day--nothing concerning, but knowing hoarseness and a sore throat were part of Carter's symptoms, it made me a little nervous.  But the headache (and possible body aches--hard to tell if it was just the crappy bed) was in and out and sort of hanging in there by the end of the day.  It didn't surprise me since that was a main symptom with the vaccines and especially when I got exposed, but it also didn't necessarily mean I was infected because that's what my body did while fighting it off previously.  I fully expected stuff like that might happen whether or not I ended up getting infected.  I could only hope that the worst of it would hold off for another 18 hours, but I knew that was a lot to ask.  I took some ZzzQuil to hopefully sleep through the uncomfortable bed, and hoped for the best.

Just after we turned the lights out, my phone rang.  Craig had called to tell me that Carter was now throwing up.  Lovely.  That was about the last thing he needed, but luckily Carter made it to the bathroom fine.  It turned out to be the only time he got sick and he kept everything down today.  Still, I felt guilty that I hadn't been there to support Carter and help Craig out.  

Jacob's team played a little after 10 the next morning.  That wasn't originally how the schedule looked but in the end we were thrilled to get an earlier slot so we weren't driving home so late.  I slept relatively well and we got up pretty much on time, but we didn't get out of the hotel quite when I wanted to.  I dropped him off and went back to grab a coffee and stop at Aldi (I wanted to see if their Aisle of Shame had anything ours didn't, or any good clearance deals) before heading back for the game.  Fortunately, his team finally pulled out a win, but because the other team was playing tight man-to-man defense, it wasn't a good matchup for Jacob and he only played a few minutes with zero shots.  Still, he was thankful for the win and seemed content with his coach's explanation that he "needed to make better decisions".  That was a relief since we've had a lot of less-than-satisfied rides home.

We headed out, stopping for more gluten-free chicken for him and McDonald's for me (it was the only thing I thought I could eat while driving), and then got on the road.  Unfortunately, it was like a switch flipped and the trip home was basically what I expected the trip there to be--Jacob was a less-than-ideal passenger.  He napped a bit (which was fine), stared at his phone, ignored most of my comments, and then got argumentative about a few things.  We had yet another fruitless chat about how he unfairly judges Carter.  He says that Carter doesn't make an effort to be his "best self", and I tried to explain that Jacob has no right to say what Carter's best self is, and just because Jacob knows what makes his own best self, that doesn't mean it's the same as Carter's or that Carter needs to know what his best self is at this age.  Carter is still trying to find his thing, and there's nothing yet that he is as passionate about as Jacob is about basketball.  Jacob needs to stop using himself as a measuring stick for others.  He was also complaining about how his future high school teammates don't seem to be focused on basketball based on their group chat via text, and I tried to remind him that some kids just play basketball for fun, so they're not going to be as laser-focused him.  That's not an excuse to dog it on the court, of course, but he needs to give a little grace to the kids that aren't aiming for a college scholarship and are just playing for the camaraderie and love of basketball.  And if he tries to hold them all to his same level of intensity on and off the court, he's going to alienate himself from them rather than making friendships.  If they're friends, they're more likely to want to play well and be a part of him achieving his goals, but if they're all just annoyed with him, they're going to focus on enjoying their season and not do him any favors.  After that we argued again about Carter being in the basement while he's sick and how Jacob wants to move into the basement office as his bedroom and make that more of his own space.  I don't really want to do anything that's going to give him greater domain over the basement family room because that's a family space and our workout space, and I don't need him physically separating himself from us further.  Maybe someday my feelings will change on that, but right now it's not appropriate.  I called him out on the fact that he didn't freak out when Craig was down there with his Legos when he had COVID, and I'd be down there if I had COVID so Craig could stay in our bed (which he agreed made sense), but the double standard is lost on him...or he just can't admit he's wrong.  Anyway, it was like whatever switch flipped when we left on our trip flipped back, and it sucked.

That said, I guess it was mission accomplished since I got him to his tournament and we both made it through the games and back home without being sick.  We made it home before 4pm, which gave us a decent evening to unpack and settle back in.  I'm still not excited to work tomorrow (from home with Carter camped out downstairs), but I guess now we just wait and see how all of this goes.  We all have little symptoms here and there, but like I said, it could be our immune systems responding or it could just be a weekend of being off our routines.  Or maybe it's coming for us.  The big question mark is the last tournament weekend coming up.  I've been running scenarios in my head a bit, like if any of us get it, what is still possible?  It's frustrating to think about, so I'm just going to ignore it for a couple days and see what happens.

I'm glad we were able to get the trip in but I'm sad COVID finally chased Carter down.  Fortunately he's slowly feeling better, but the next few days will be tough not being able to be close with him like usual.  I'm just so tired of COVID spoiling the party and hope that if nothing else, whatever happens now could give us a more normal holiday season.  Even if it's just a little boost like I got in February from fighting off a lesser dose, that might be a help.  But we still have a long week to get through first...

Taking the Bad with the Good

Last week was a rough week.  Work has remained stressful, and despite being more than halfway through my steroids, my sinus issues were still hanging in there.  It was so frustrating to have felt like it was finally easing up the previous weekend and then have it flare pretty badly again for a good portion of the week.  I called the ENT and struggled to get an appointment, but finally got in yesterday.  Fortunately it cooperated a bit more for the weekend (before the appointment), thanks in part to finally finding a sinus medicine that seemed to help a little, but I know it's still causing just enough trouble that I'm not out of the woods yet.  The ENT thinks it's just inflamed, and while the steroids helped (I'm done now), it wasn't quite enough to get me over the hump, so I'm going to try daily irrigation with steroids.  She's not sure why it's happening, but it could be that allergies or a virus set it off and it just can't go down on its own right now.  It might eventually, but I have to try the steroids because being sick for six-plus weeks is exhausting.  I have been hitting my breaking point in the past week, despite moments of relief, likely because the original steroids wreaked havoc on my body.  

It has seemed like no matter how much sleep I have been getting, I am waking up exhausted.  By the weekend I was a little vaguely lightheaded and weak, but I think that was due to the steroids.  Even with the congestion finally easing up a bit, I still had a full head feeling and just didn't feel like myself.  I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and that feeling makes everything harder.  Brain fog has been a huge problem, particularly at work.  And every couple days, the congestion ramps up again and makes me think I'm right back to square one.  Even when the congestion eased over the weekend, I started to get a sore throat, and the drainage had a sour taste.  The sinus pressure remained anyway and made my head feel heavy.  It just gets so frustrating that every couple days it's something else.  I don't have time for this, even once every three years.  Never again would have been fine after the last one in 2019. 

I think with work being extra busy and me feeling sort of anticipatory for the weekend, I ended up being sort of anxious for most of the week.  I just had too many balls in the air and too many things I was worried about messing up.  But by the end of the week I had worked through a lot of the things and my anxiety didn't have a firm target, so I was just weirdly jittery, almost to the point of being excited and anticipatory in a positive way, but it was still like my body was on edge waiting for something.  I was happy it was a more positive feeling at least, but I don't like that my body is in that sort of mode where it has to be anxious even if it doesn't know why.  What's going to happen when something is actually truly bad?  I feel like I need a couple week reset right now, which is definitely not happening.  I am just OFF.  I don't know how else to describe it and I don't know if it's the illness, the steroids, the anxiety, or something else entirely.  It makes it all really hard to fix.  I'm hoping our upcoming travels provide a helpful distraction in the meantime, but I fear they might only make the problem worse. Let's hope the steroid rinse makes a quick difference before our next trip.  It's going to be a long four hours in the car each way.

Anyway, getting back to the week, the one highlight from last week was that Carter finally got his viola!  He has been doing chorus for a couple weeks and is now starting orchestra.  This musical side of him is intriguing and I really hope it sticks.  He's eager to get started on real instruction, but getting the instrument was a big deal.  

I know this will likely turn into some battles to practice, especially early on as it starts getting hard, but I really hope he loves it.  We also had his open house at school last week, so I finally got to meet his teacher.  She seems nice enough but he's still not that into her.  Parent-teacher conferences are coming up, so I will be interested to see what her take is on him.  He's been doing pretty well academically but he seems to think he gets yelled at a lot for nothing.  I hate when he gets that feeling--it's like a throwback to second grade--but hopefully we can get to the bottom of it.  He had a lot of stars on the "green light" chart--probably in the top handful of kids--so I think everything is okay, but I hope we can talk through it a bit.    

Most of last week was spent just waiting for the weekend since it was our first of three straight basketball weekends.  This one was just to Syracuse, but I hadn't seen Jacob play in so long that I was excited to finally see for myself how his game has improved and how he matches up on the 17U team he's currently playing on.  It's quite a step up from the team he was on in the spring, but he's been working so hard to get bigger and stronger and better, and I knew it would show.  In some ways it made the week drag, and in others it was one of those weeks where Friday got here and it was like, oh crap, we need to pack.  

The funny thing about this weekend is we were playing in my college roommate Mary's hometown, and in fact our first and last games were at her middle school, which is right across from the neighborhood where she grew up.  The good news is I'm pretty familiar with that area so it made navigating pretty easy.  However, we ended up staying closer to the city in a really swanky hotel because we got an amazing team rate.  That was worth the extra drive!  We actually didn't have to leave until a reasonable time Saturday morning since he wasn't playing until early afternoon, so that was a nice change of pace.  

After dropping him off for pre-game prep for game one, Carter and I had a delightful Taco Bell lunch down the road.  I caffeinated big-time to try to ease the foggy headed feeling I had going, which was only moderately successful.  Unfortunately, they were running an entire game behind so we had a bit of a longer afternoon than planned, but Jacob's team won the first game and he hit a three-pointer in the effort.  He suddenly looks so tall out there and doesn't really look out of place among kids 2-3 years older than him.  Definitely on the younger end, but not significantly.  It's so amazing to me to watch him, and I'm really proud of how hard he has worked to get to this point.

After the game, he and Craig needed some lunch, so we dropped them off at Chipotle and went to yet another elementary school next door to the plaza.  I regretted not thinking to go to the playground at the other school while we had that extra game's wait--the weather was really nice, but I suppose I was just tired and a little time on the phone was more comfortable.  But we made up for it a bit at this playground.  It was a fun one with a couple less-frequently-encountered activities.
 

Those balancing "surf boards" are probably one of the tougher playground features I have ever done, second only to maybe the log roll, which is straight-up broken bones waiting to happen.  I love a good challenge, though, even as an adult.

Curved and sloped monkey bars!

Another good climb!

The school had a ton of soccer fields out back, and also had an enclosed box field.  We ended up only having time for a few kicks there with one of the balls left out on the playground--one of which got me solid on my shin (ouch!)--but it's good to see Carter eagerly grab a ball when he can.

We rejoined the boys and went to check in to our hotel.  It was really fancy!  I don't think I've ever seen a room like this.  The bathroom was right off to the left when you walked in, but the head of the beds were on the other side of the bathroom wall, facing out toward the windows, rather than having the windows to one side of the beds.  It was definitely a minimalist type room, with two tabletops and a bench going the length of the window wall.  The bathroom also had a fancy sliding door to the shower and toilet, with a wall of shelves (with a coffee maker, safe, and closet) opposite the sink.  Oh, and to Jacob's left in the photo below was a tall skinny frosted window to the shower.  Not great for keeping the room dark in early mornings, but I can see that being helpful if in need of a nightlight.

The lobby was really swanky and had a bar (and really expensive grab-and-go breakfast!).

Outside, the hotel is situated on what is apparently the Syracuse Inner Harbor.  It looks like it's where Onondaga Creek feeds into the lake, but it seems this area had some man-made work done on it to make it a place to dock (and ideally have events, but I have no idea if that's the case).  It was a lovely day outside, though, and there were a couple boats docked there.

Across the way (past a couple docking inlets) is the big mall, Destiny USA

I couldn't help but snap a pic of this tree nearby.  The berries were so perfectly fall-colored and the golden hour highlighted them perfectly.

We headed back out for an early evening game at yet another school in Liverpool, this time a sort of interesting looking one--a mid-century modern, almost chalet-like building that was built in the 50s and renovated a few years ago.  It was really nice inside--lots of light wood, cool tile, and modern light fixtures.  Outside was a pretty cool playground, which we luckily had time to explore in the lovely early evening light. 

This one rivaled the Parma playground for tall towers, but this one was still a bit shorter.  Even still, Carter did an amazing job climbing the pole!

He also conquered this other one that's made for working out.  It had two "handles" that you're supposed to hang from to do leg lifts (they had one of those workout trails with exercises at each piece of equipment), and he was determined to climb up and sit on one of the handles.  Took a few tries, but he did it!

We were intrigued by this different piece of equipment.  You walked on it and it hinged up and down at various joints.  It's harder than it looks--it felt like it was moving way more than it appears from afar.  I'd never seen one quite like this.

We did all the things on the main structure, did some swinging, and eventually worked our way over to the younger playground.  This piece of equipment there was sort of neat.  You could climb up each side, ring the bell, and then slide down the pole.  I feel like there are probably a lot of races there!  But again, this was a new format to me.

On the way over to the gym at the middle school, Carter couldn't help but roll down this giant hill.  If you zoom in you can just see him getting up at the bottom.  I'm guessing people sled down this but hopefully there's a way to stop because the school building is just beyond the walkway.

I was thankful for such a nice day and pleasant evening, since our fall has been mostly too cold for a lot of fun, especially at that time of the day.  For a weekend where everything had to revolve around Jacob, I was happy we got some good Carter time in.

Back in the gym, Jacob's team battled through a tough game.  They went down early and struggled to come back, making it almost close a few times but eventually losing by low double digits.  Jacob ended up with two threes, which was really fun to watch because his team cheers excitedly for every three.  

After the game, we needed to get some dinner but most of our preferred choices were farther away.  We settled on Jersey Mike's and grabbed some snacks from the Dollar Tree next door.  We settled in back at our room, ate dinner, watched TV and tried to work out sleeping arrangements.  I have to say, even though I didn't sleep fantastically, the beds were so comfortable!  We had a bit of an early morning, but not much worse than a typical weekday.  I caught this picture from the hallway as we headed out to give a better perspective on the harbor.

We headed back to the first school we had been at, dropped off the boys, grabbed breakfast for the three of us (Jacob got some stuff from the hotel to eat on the way), and Carter and I went to finally check out the playground before the game.  Unfortunately, it was still too cold (mid-40s) and very dewy, so we couldn't really stick around.

Even more unfortunately, Jacob's team lost their game and that was it for the day.  It was just a rough one all around, and Jacob just missed his only shot--it was in but then rolled back out.  He did get a nice assist, though.  But the loss was a bummer.  We decided to kill a little time at the Waterloo outlets to try to find shoes for Carter and hit up our favorite chicken and waffles place in Geneva at lunch time.  The menu was a bit stripped down from previous visits, but the food was delicious as usual.  After lunch Carter asked if we could stop at the cool playground down near the lake, so we did just that for about 15-20 minutes.  It was a lovely day, especially with the fall colors.

The good news of it all is that we were home by mid-afternoon.  As much as I just wanted to go lay down, I pushed myself to get outside and go clean up my garden.  I knew half of it was dead anyway, and I just wanted to get it managed in lovely 65 degree weather rather than slogging through it all in a few weeks, knowing that we have a couple more busy weekends and weather isn't usually cooperative in mid-November.  There were still two baby zucchinis growing, but they seemed to have stalled despite the plant still looking healthy.  But I accidentally pulled it out trying to get the dead cucumber vines, so I guess we'll never know if they were still viable (although they are currently sitting on my counter anyway!).  The tomatoes still had a ton of seemingly healthy tomatoes--mostly green--but I salvaged what I could and I'll see how they do over the next few days.  Last year half of them rotted almost immediately, but it seems like our many frosts still haven't been enough to fully kill things off.  I still had flowers blooming in my fully exposed pots, too!  I cleaned up the entire garden and most of the pots, and emptied the full recycling bin of empty beer cans from Craig's grilling that have been collecting all summer (and maybe last fall, too?).  It felt so good to get it done, even if it's always sad to end another growing season, especially since this one was a little underwhelming.  The timing of growth vs. use never seemed to work very well this year. 

Sunday night ended up being extra exhausting because the boys weren't getting along and we ended up having a big argument with Jacob, who still insists we favor Carter.  A year after wrapping up therapy it looks like we're headed back because we just can't seem to communicate properly.  It's times like these that I wonder if it would be best if he does get an offer from a prep school and got a break from what seems to be a very frustrating setting at home, but at the same time I don't want to give into this mess and let it keep festering--I want to fix it.  I'm at the point where I want to put cameras all over the house so we can watch the footage every time they fight and see who actually started it.  Each one has an excuse going back step-by-step to the root cause, but the truth is getting bent by one person or another (or their perceptions just end up totally different) and we never fully figure it out.  Jacob feels he gets the blame more often, but I do think he seeks out interactions more often (even if he doesn't intend on them going bad) and I believe as the older kid he should have more restraint to not start things or at least step back and decide to end it before it gets too far gone.  Carter overreacts, and we're working on that, too, but they just keep proving over and over how incompatible they are.  We're also still having trouble getting Jacob moving in the morning, and anytime we try to talk to him about that or his homework, we get all sorts of attitude.  Apparently neither kid got the gene to appreciate any sort of constructive criticism unless it's in regard to sports and coming from someone who isn't us.  Anyway, Sunday night's argument (and a couple others in the following days) were made infinitely worse by the steroid malaise I had going on, so this week didn't really start any better than the last one.  Today was the first day I felt the brain fog lift, which was a huge relief even if I'm still not feeling well.  I did my first steroid rinse tonight, so we'll see if it helps.

I think part of me is just frustrated because so many other things in life are in a good place--we're blessed in so many ways and I feel strangely insulated from a lot of things other people have to deal with--and yet we just have these things that keep popping up to steal joy away.  Work, health, and kid frustrations overshadow the good stuff way more than I'd like right now and I feel guilty that I can't just focus on the good.  I know things could be so much worse.  Not only have we lived so much worse, but between people we know, news, and social media, I know others are dealing with so much more than we could even fathom, and I feel bad about being overwhelmed by much smaller things.  I know that hard is hard, and it doesn't disqualify mine from being a challenge, but I worry about my ability to deal with truly hard stuff down the road if some of this small stuff is putting me over the edge.  For now, at least I'm aware that my "hard" is much easier than many others' versions and try to be grateful, but some days I'm not sure I succeed.  I often feel like I'm in an endless video game of obstacles, and just when I jump over one, there's another thing--a work project, a cleaning task, a kid issue, another meal to cook, another in-office day--that immediately pops up and keeps me running and jumping 'til I'm exhausted...and then it happens again.  I just need a break, but relief isn't coming anytime soon, so on we go.  It's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine...just gotta keep swimming. 

My Boy

As I mentioned in my last post, it was 10 years ago this week that we found out Carter was a boy.  Reading the post from that day was a little hard.  I mean, on one hand, I know why I was sad.  Sometimes I still have moments where I am.  On the other, I felt a little bad being anything but thrilled about the kid that turned out to be Carter, because he's such a joy to me now.  

I know there's probably a ton of reasons why God didn't give me a girl, and in many ways He gave me the best possible boy He could have.  I really only get sad when I think about how it's weird if sons are too close to their mom when they get married, so either this special relationship will change for the worse eventually, or I will turn into one of those weird mothers-in-law who runs the risk of inadvertently interfering in his romantic relationships.  With a daughter, that relationship never really has to get awkward, so there is a part of me that will always mourn that thing I will never have.  I value my relationship with my own mom, and it's a little sad I won't be able to have that same thing as I age, unless I end up with an amazing daughter-in-law, which I can only hope and pray for.

But realistically I know I didn't really have the patience or the mindset for a daughter anyway.  I had a lot of insecurities as a teenager and I fear I would have passed those on to her.  I wouldn't really want to have to deal with periods or girl wardrobes, or even the fussiness of girl toys.  Endless Barbie stuff might almost be worse than Legos!  At least I know how to play with dolls better, I suppose, but as I've said before, I definitely didn't feel like I was missing out when looking around at all the princess-obsessed girls at Disney.  I'm not a girly-girl and I wouldn't have been good with hair or makeup.  Also, selfishly, I know if we had a girl there would be more gender-based divide-and-conquer happening (and we already have a lot because of basketball), and I don't mind being able to shop or watch TV alone and have some me-time when the boys are doing a boy thing.  I think everything really did turn out the way it needed to for a million practical reasons, but it's still a bittersweet thing sometimes.

My cube mate at work had her 20-week scan this week, coincidentally on the 10-year anniversary of the day we did our gender scan.  She's already known for a while that she's having a girl and that was their preference.  It definitely brought back memories of my own scan and all those emotions as you're watching for body parts and hoping for normal, healthy results.  I know I struggled a bit in our scan once the gender was revealed, but it's true that a healthy baby is more important than anything else and ultimately that got me through.  And like I said, Carter really was the right fit for our family--don't ask Jacob that, mind you--and I don't think I'd want to change anything because I'd be missing out on something so special with Carter.  It's really been on my mind lately how cool it is that Carter and I have the bond we do.  It's not something I ever really had with Jacob, so Carter's and my evolution is really precious to me, especially now that I know how quickly these tween years go and how fleeting this experience will likely be.  

It wasn't always this way, of course.  I said early on that Carter saved me as a mom, because as bad as things got with Jacob around the time Carter was born, Carter was proof that I was doing something right.  He was the sweetest, happiest baby and I was so at peace when I was home on maternity leave with him.  Even though early motherhood with Jacob was rewarding, my maternity leave felt exhausting and isolating a lot of the time.  Some of it might have been new parent jitters, our hot house, and Jacob's complete inability to nap, but there was just something different about that time with Carter and he continued to be a joy for so many years.  It was perspective I badly needed to know what parenthood was supposed to be like--it wasn't always supposed to be hard.  He helped me understand what kid issues were normal vs. which ones were over the top, which helped me better verbalize what about Jacob had been harder than it should have been when we finally went through therapy.  Things stayed pretty tolerable as a whole until Carter hit about five.  It was right around then when it became apparent that any sort of formal learning, like reading or writing, was going to challenge him, and his behavior started going down the tubes as he fought that.  The hugs and "I love yous" started to fade, and we ended up having a few really rough years.  The pandemic only made it worse, as easier access to screens scrambled his brain even worse and isolated our little extrovert to the point that home life was almost harder with him than it was with Jacob, and that's saying a lot.  Being both parent and teacher didn't work for us, and the constant screen battles made it worse.  I truly think his ADHD was made worse by the frequent screen stimulation, and everything that wasn't a screen became intolerably boring, be it toys or activities outside the house that didn't involve a playground or running full speed.  His medicine finally took the edge off at the end of second grade, and things got better from there. But we still had some relationship rebuilding to do because a lot of damage had been done.  He needed to know he was loved beyond all of the yelling and correcting and disciplining, so quality time that likely wouldn't involve that stuff was much needed.

Carter and I have long done little adventures because Craig is more often with Jacob doing sports.  A lot of those were playgrounds since they were a favorite of his, and luckily the lacrosse era provided a lot of playgrounds on site at games.  That sort of started that habit, but the pandemic solidified our routines a bit more.  I wanted to get him out of the house and away from screens, and most of the time I knew that a playground would grease the wheels a bit.  Whether it was running errands or doing a nature walk, if I could work in a playground, that would help get him on board.  He used to be hesitant whenever I'd bring up an adventure, but he gradually learned he had fun and we built up some trust, and it took off from there.  I know the playground era won't last much longer now because he's getting older and bigger, so I'm going all out getting him to as many as I can while it lasts.  

Then there's the thrill ride end of things, which is gradually becoming the next era of our adventures.  When Carter was three, we learned that he liked crazy rides.  That could only be my domain to pursue further with him, and we've indulged it where we could ever since.  Of course, my tolerance for those same rides has gone down quite a bit over that time, but we do what we can.  As he's gotten taller, the potential of wilder fun has expanded, and next summer is poised to be a big one--we're already plotting a summer-ending trip to Cedar Point once Ohio schools are back in session, possibly with a side trip to Waldameer Park in Erie, where they're opening a new water coaster (which he's excited about because neither of us has ever done one, so we'll experience it together).  He's so excited, and it's sweet how he always mentions the rides and coasters as "our thing".  Disney really solidified that because of how every park day turned into just him and me riding rides long after Craig and Jacob had gone back to the resort.  But Darien Lake is only going to strengthen that further, and I will do what I can to indulge it.  Since his playground time (and his general tolerance of hanging out with mom) might be limited by his age and size, thrill rides are likely the future of our special bond.  I might start being more limited by motion sickness, so I will do whatever I can to accomplish as much as possible before that's more of an issue.  One way or another, I know time is working against us, and if the pandemic taught us anything, it's that we need to live in the moment when we can, so I'd say my normal resistance to "overindulging" an interest like this has been essentially shelved.  I'm all in.

When I had boys, I'm sure I hoped for one of those sweet mother-son relationships that people often talk about, but I don't think I realistically ever thought it would happen--and after Jacob, I was probably sure of it.  Jacob was a sweet enough baby and toddler at times--he was a good couch napper for quite a few years and gave some hugs once in a while.  But by older toddlerhood, the mischief and energy took over, and it's been hard to get a hug or "I love you" pretty much ever since.  We had a couple phases where he liked reading together in bed or something like that, but I'm not sure he's solicited a hug from me since Carter was born.  For a while I think I assumed that was just how it went, that boys grow out of that stuff sooner and I shouldn't expect it.  Add in Jacob's annoyance with Carter (and my direct role in his existence), and I didn't have a shot at getting that kind of a relationship with him.  But as I've eased Carter back into being my buddy again, I've realized that those signs of affection can last a little longer.  I'm so lucky I still get hugs and a few pecks on the cheek, and he still likes a good snuggle at night.  He even reaches for my hand still sometimes when we're walking, and it's bittersweet every time because I know that public display in particular is not going to last much longer.  I don't know how much the rest of the stuff in private will last, but I hope the hugs and especially the bond last a very long time.

The other day I flipped through pictures from the last couple years trying to pinpoint exactly when Jacob "grew up".  When did he stop looking like a little boy and start looking like a young man?  Ironically, it happened probably more in front of my eyes than it would have otherwise due to the pandemic.  I pinpointed somewhere after his 13th birthday but before last Christmas, possibly even by the end of that summer.  His face still looked young-ish for his birthday, but by Christmas something was changing.  I know that Carter is on the verge of when Jacob really started outgrowing the little kid era--when he exited that somewhat awkward kid phase and started growing into his features and looking "cooler"--he was around 10, and while Carter has always skewed toward looking and acting a little younger, I know it's not far off.  And once that happens, I know we have a few more years, and that's it.  He'll be a teenager and I will probably be uncool again among both of my kids.  I hope not--I feel like all of this time I'm investing in Carter will hopefully give him the support he needs to know how much he's loved and always sort of come back to "home base" at the end of the day, no matter how annoyed he is with me.  I know Jacob doesn't see me that way--maybe Craig, but definitely not me--but I'm pretty sure Carter has an affection for me that I don't see him have with Craig, even if they're still good buddies.  I am not taking that for granted and I want to solidify that as much as I can while I still can, so that we have some good reserves down the road when we need it.

I never really knew what it was like to have this kind of common interest bond with one of my kids.  I have loved my kids with my entire being, and there have definitely been "fun" times, but this sort of bond is just above and beyond anything else I have experienced with either of them.  I always tried to bond with Jacob with all the sports--after all, being a hockey fan was central to my entire life path--but I think it never quite worked as expected because he has always been so laser-focused that I could never begin to match his intensity.  I wanted to have fun, but for him it was serious business to watch and study.  I feel like I tried to engage him in other different ways over the years, but it's always been that if it's not specifically on his agenda, forget it.  Carter was often quite resistant as well, but I guess he was just a little less stubborn and a bit more willing to explore, so while it still took effort to get him into the idea of our adventures, eventually I was able to win him over to be willing to check things out and give me the benefit of the doubt even when he wasn't convinced.  And now, the way this whole playground-to-thrill-ride thing has happened has revealed such a joyful, special bond that really seems to speak to Carter in a different way than anything else.  You can tell he just feels so loved and that he loves having that bond to share with someone else.  It's such a sweet, pure thing and I will do all I can to keep it going.

He's off school next Friday and was excited to hear I had taken off to spend the day with him.  He immediately started thinking about what we could do with our time, and I'm hoping the weather works out so we can make it happen.  I'm a little worried about how we'll keep this going over the winter when amusement parks are closed and playground metal is too cold and mama's tolerance for winter is iffy, but I know we'll do what we can.  And if nothing else, he's already telling me how excited he is for next summer.  And honestly, I am too!  I love these adventures with my little buddy and I can't imagine it any other way.  He gets me excited for the next thing we'll do, and God knows I need that right now.  I'm just so grateful for what we have and can't wait to see where it will go.