A Tale of Twelve Years and Two Playgrounds

This past week has been a bit of a nostalgic one because it marks 12 years since we moved into this house.  I posted at some point during the pandemic about how my feelings on our house have evolved, particularly in light of being stuck here so much over the last couple years.  When we moved in, this house felt like an entirely new world.  It was a bright, modern contrast to the taste of the 60s that we left behind.  While I appreciated parts of our old house, we put a lot of money into the house (that we never got back) and knew there was more maintenance coming imminently.  We'd had mouse problems and the yard had its frustrations and we knew the roof wouldn't last much longer.  We were running out of storage space for our growing family, and as much as we loved the basement, its detached placement from the rest of the house made it not as useful as an extra family room as we'd have liked.  We knew we needed more space, and we decided to take the plunge before I was pregnant with kid #2 and moving would be decidedly more difficult and time-constrained.

In the end, the kid #2 thing got put off far longer than we'd anticipated, but I was and remain thankful we found this house when we did.  Although we seem to be outgrowing it a bit as the kids get bigger (mainly the kitchen and bathroom situations), it's still been a great choice for us with the large living room, the basement that's just a handful of steps away from the rest of the house, and even that stupid pool, which came in extra handy during the worst of the pandemic.  There are a lot of things we need to do to the house now--the roof, the carpets, and the kitchen are the worst of it--and after 12 years it could probably use a super deep cleaning that I do not have the energy to pull off, but it's been a good home to us.  I try to remember the excitement and wonder of those first weeks, of the weight being lifted knowing the problems of our old house were behind us, and of the joy in having plenty of space in the linen closet, crawl space, and bedrooms.  We have definitely filled the house up much more than I'd like--all of those spaces have more stuff and far less room these days--but it works.  And honestly, there is no way I want to buy a house right now in this environment of sky high prices and insane bidding wars, so we're stuck here for now barring any major life changes.  Hopefully someday I can get my brain back on board with trying to find a kitchen contractor, at the very least, so one part of my daily routines here is at least a little more visually appealing.  

I had a little moment last week because I walked through our old neighborhood for the first time in a bit.  I've driven through a number of times, but actually walking through like I did all the time the summer Jacob was born was different.  We had a nice day in the 50s and it was the last day before the weather started going downhill, culminating in snow and 20 degree temps over the weekend.  It's not getting significantly more springy anytime soon, either, other than one random day this week.  So Carter and I were on our own that day and I figured we might be able to sneak in a playground before it got too cold or too dark.  But I didn't want to go far knowing our time was limited, so I gave him a couple nearby choices.  One of them was the playground at a local elementary school that somehow we'd never gone to.  It happened to be the school that our old house backed up to.  We could just see parts of the school and the fields outside the school from the back of the house, and during the spring I'd always hear soccer games over there.  One time when Jacob was about nine months old, I took him over there on a nice day, as part of a quick around-the-corner walk, probably for lack of anything more interesting to walk to, to see if there was anything we could do.  They didn't have any baby swings but I did strap him into the accessible swing they had at the time and gave him a little rock.  I remember the playground being otherwise very big-kid, with not really any little kid slides or anything else I could have put him on.  As such, I figured it might be perfect for Carter these days!

He ended up picking that one, and sure enough, it was fun.  It was pretty cold, though--the bars were really cold on his hands!  We did play for a while, though.

Lots of monkey bars!  Definite big kid stuff!

The accessible swing is a different one now, but still in the same spot as when Jacob was a baby so we took a picture for old times' sake!

I asked him if he wanted to walk into our old neighborhood through the shortcut, and once he'd had enough playing he said we could, so we walked through the path and around the corner to our old street.  We basically walked halfway down the block, just past our old house and then turned around and went back.  I pointed out a couple things and that was it.  The house just sold again in the past month or so.  The people we sold it to lived there for eight years, and these last owners were only there for a little less than four years.  It was funny seeing it on the market again and noting all the things the owners did--they pulled the thick plush carpeting out of the basement, painted most of the basement paneling, put new flooring in the dining room, and painted the ugly kitchen cabinets.  But the living room colors and purple bathroom remained.  It kills me a little that we only got back what we paid for the house ($108K), and in this market (admittedly with a couple upgrades) it sold for $170K!  Crazy.  That was nearly a $50K profit for the four-year owners.  It brought back good memories walking the neighborhood, though, and I smiled at the sight of our old front door that I loved so much and the lamp post and planter that I labored over the summer after we moved in.  Given the timing of being so close to the time of year that we moved, it definitely brought back memories.

We spent the actual anniversary of the closing and move at a basketball tournament near Buffalo.  It was Jacob's first tournament with his new team.  He's playing with a 9th grade team, under a coach who is currently the assistant varsity coach at his future school.  He played for this same organization last spring and summer, twice actually, for two different coaches and different teams at a lower level.  We were eager to see how he would fare at this level.  Since Craig had a game on Saturday, I was on my own with the boys, so thankfully the tournament was just in Buffalo.  Unfortunately, my parents were out of town, but I did end up asking them if we could stay at their house (just had to turn the water on and the heat up) when it looked like we might have an early game Sunday.  We didn't play until the afternoon on Saturday, so I did manage to get a couple things done that morning before we had to eat an early lunch and take off.  It was a little hectic getting packed up and out the door, but we were probably only a little later than would have been ideal, and still got there basically on time.  We dropped Jacob off and got our admission paid for, and then realized we had some time to kill.  However, the tournament site was sort of in the middle of nowhere.  The closest selection of amenities was a little over 10 minutes away.  Otherwise we were pretty limited to the 7-Eleven five minutes away, which we did utilize in between games for snacks and Slurpees.  However, on our way in, we noticed a really cool looking playground across the street.  Unfortunately, it was only about 40 degrees outside with a stiff wind, so I was unconvinced we could pull it off, but I figured a half hour running around there was better than nothing, so we headed over.

It ended up being a pretty fun place, but we both agreed it would have been much better in warm weather!  I love seeing new or rare elements of these newer playgrounds, and this one had a couple. 

Walking up the path to check it out!

This was one of those activity centers--one side had bongos, another section had the glass marbles, another one had gears, and this one had xylophone-type chimes with little hammers you flipped down to make the music.

One of the fun climbing elements--had to try not to get stuck in this one!

That arch was fun!  It was deceptively wobbly when you stepped between the support bars, but the bars were challenging in their own way.  Those green "blobs" in front of it were on big springs and had an unexpected wobble themselves!

Had to do a chilly selfie with my little buddy!

Carter's a butterfly on the cool (cold) bench!

Jacob's tournament was a bit of a mixed bag.  He played well in the first game and scored six points.  He played a decent amount and the team won by a bunch.  The second game he had no points but it was a much tougher team and we know it'll take a bit to adjust to bigger, faster, stronger players at this level.  

Unfortunately, his second game ran late and that put us in a crunch for dinner.  I had planned to take the boys to a gluten-free place in Lockport, about 20 minutes away from my parents' house, which was about 35 minutes away from the game venue.  Jacob needed to do a very quick change at the house in order for us to make it to the restaurant before they stopped seating.  The restaurant is called Kith and Kin, and it's located on a very busy road in a tiny little house!  Despite the sign being right in front, we almost missed it because it was so unassuming.  We got there just in time.  Jacob misread the menu (he was going to order breakfast for dinner but didn't see that section) so he got a club sandwich (definitely something new for him), Carter got a spider dog (basically a hot dog cut to flare out with legs on both ends, sitting on a bed of fries), and I got a shrimp po'boy sandwich and house-made chips.  Everything was really good, and completely gluten-free!  We cut it so close we had to take a break from eating so we could pick goodies before they closed down for the night.  As we were looking, they gave us a free bag of donut holes that were just going to get tossed!  We also bought a container of big, puffy pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  We decided we definitely need to go back there and get more!  The cookies have been great, and the donut holes are...different.  We got both glazed and cinnamon sugar, and they're rather hollow instead of being cakey.  Their consistency reminds me of a fastnacht, but the boys described them as being sort of bready.  Carter didn't like the flavor but they taste fine to me!  At least those were free.  But everything else was really good and it was definitely a sweet little place.  

When we walked outside, it was snowing!  We got stuck behind a salting truck on the country roads back to the house, but eventually settled in for the night at my parents'.  I realized I forgot to grab the plugs for the inflatable bed (I had put them in a separate bin with the other air mattress when we traveled with both so they wouldn't get lost), and then when I did the math in my head, I encouraged Craig to just sleep at home anyway.  By the time you factored in lost sleep at night from the late drive and him not needing to be there an hour early in the morning like we would be, he could actually go to bed way earlier at home and leave a half hour later and still make it to the game on time.  When we woke up in the morning, there was an inch or two of snow outside and it was still snowing and blowing.  It was hectic trying to pack up the car and brush it off and get everyone out the door, but luckily, the coach was running later than we were!  The snow was a little demoralizing since we have had nice days--and it continued to be a bit soul-crushing until it stopped and melted today--but luckily roads were fine once we got out of the neighborhood.  

Per our plan, Craig met us at the game.  The first game was a pretty solid win.  Jacob didn't get as much playing time as we'd have liked and he seemed to lose his shot a bit, so that was a rough one for him personally even though it sent them to the championship game.  We had a little break in between games, and while there wasn't really enough time for Jacob to go anywhere gluten-free-friendly, Carter and I had a chance to go to his choice, Mighty Taco.  We had a nice little lunch before heading back for the final game.  That was a very tough game to watch.  His team struggled with shooting and there were a couple really selfish players who just couldn't finish this time around.  Jacob only played one shift, and didn't get much of a chance to do anything.  They made it a good game, but in the end just came up short.  I knew I'd be the lucky one since Jacob would be riding home with Craig--I did not want to be on the receiving end of that venting session, especially since I had to manage plenty of that earlier in the weekend.  Sure enough, it was not good.  He talked about everything from changing teams to changing to yet another school (not the new one we just got accepted to).  He seemed to have a better practice Monday but struggled shooting at the gym tonight, so it could be a challenge for a bit to get him back on track.  But who can really blame him since he had back-to-back-to-back health issues (cold, knot in his neck, appendicitis scare) that kept him out of the gym most of the last few weeks?  It looks like he might play in a tournament this weekend with the 8th grade team, which is temporarily being coached by his second-favorite coach.  It'll be interesting to see how that goes, since he could move down to that team if he felt like it would be a better fit for him.  I'd like to see him stick it out since he'll be playing at this level for school next winter, but ultimately it's whatever it takes to keep him in a good place mentally.

Anyway, it's been a little crazy these last few days, culminating with jury duty wrecking my planned meet-up with Heather and Mason today.  They had an appointment in Syracuse, which brought them an hour closer than usual, and I was going to meet them there for lunch and pass off all of our 2T clothes, which I was originally supposed to do a few weeks ago when we had that last minute tournament cancellation.  Well, despite being eligible for jury duty since Thursday, of course I had to report today and got stuck there (doing literally nothing--never even made it back to the courtroom) until after 2pm, which was too late to meet them after the appointment.  UGH!  Of all the days.  I was really looking forward to that day away, and even though I had a little time to chill this afternoon and run an errand, I am struggling with facing down work again tomorrow after not having the mental break I was anticipating.  This is my last full week at home before going back to the office three days a week, so that's weighing on my mind, too.  Hard to believe it's almost the end of March (especially given the weather), but I think we're all eager for spring break to arrive in a couple weeks.  Now if spring would just come with it...  

Tummy Troubles

Last week was a bit of an odd week.  Jacob started complaining about stomach pain either late the prior week or over the weekend.  It was on his right side.  It didn't seem to get any better and maybe got a little worse.  All we could do was watch it and if it got significantly worse or didn't go away, we'd obviously look into it.  We figured it was probably gas or constipation.

Jacob's had a rough go lately as far as being healthy enough for basketball.  He's playing for a 9th grade team coached by an assistant coach of the school he's transferring to, so stakes feel pretty high.  He was sick a couple weeks ago and then somehow tweaked his neck/shoulder area while laying in bed one morning.  It seemed very similar to what I did to myself last year on Good Friday, when I was towel drying my hair and something popped around my shoulder blade.  His was a little higher (trap area) but seemed very similar.  He had limited range of motion in his neck and was very sore.  We got him into the chiropractor pretty quickly but it took three sessions and a couple weeks to get it to the point where he seemed significantly better.  So that was keeping him from full speed, as well, although he did manage to do practice and the scrimmage last Sunday.  We didn't want him getting a bad reputation with the coach because he was missing practices, so we encouraged him to participate as much as possible.

But by Tuesday he was texting me from school insisting we get him into the doctor because his pain was getting worse.  I made him an appointment for right after school but I had a meeting so Craig took him.  And much like happened five years ago, they recommended he go to the emergency room and get checked out.  Ugh.  We knew that probably meant a long night for them, if not worse.

They did an ultrasound that was inconclusive.  His appendix appeared enlarged and not compressible (not squishy) like it normally would be, but there weren't really signs of inflammation.  Bloodwork seemed about normal (although it looks like he could use some iron, just like Carter and me), so the next step was a CT scan.  They were there until long into the night waiting on that.  And in the end, results were...inconclusive.  The appendix was large but not inflamed, and so all we could do was watch him--either there or at home--and see if it got worse.  It could mean he'd have appendicitis in a couple days or even a year, but nothing conclusive.  So, they came home.

He stayed home on Wednesday so we could observe him, and it was a little better than the day before but still bothering him.  For two days it stayed about the same and he insisted he just wanted to get the appendix out.  I understand his thinking--he can be anxious and didn't want that hanging over his head.  He just didn't want to worry that it would flare up again, or face the idea he might need to live with the pain for an indefinite period of time.  But I also don't think he really comprehended how much surgery would take a toll on him.  He wouldn't mind missing a week or so of school, of course, but he'd probably be out of basketball for a month, and I don't think he really thought through how that would go or how it would impact his conditioning.  A month is a long time. 

Finally on Friday morning he woke up saying he didn't have any pain.  In the meantime, we've pondered things a bit and are wondering if it could be Celiac-related.  I know that probably should have been obvious, but at the time there was no indication that he'd eaten anything that could have done it.  But then he mentioned having eaten Lucky Charms before it all started, and I was like, "Well, geez, that could have done it!"  See, General Mills is somehow allowed to label Lucky Charms and Cheerios as gluten-free, but most Celiacs can't eat them.  Jacob's never had a problem, but then again, Jacob has almost never shown any sort of reaction to cross-contamination.  General Mills doesn't use gluten-free oats--they use a proprietary sorting process to remove gluten grains that might be contaminating the oats.  But when they test the batches, they average the results, so if one batch has high gluten content and other batches are low enough to keep the average under the limits, they keep the batch and it could be that certain boxes are worse than others.  So, it's entirely possible that could have happened here. 

With that possibility in mind, we just waited it out to see if it continued to get better or got any worse.  We didn't want him missing more school or basketball, and it didn't help that my jury duty period started on Thursday and I didn't want to be stuck on jury duty if he was going back in for surgery.  Knowing that rupture didn't seem imminent, we pushed any further action off a bit and hoped that time would clarify things.  And sure enough, once he felt better on Friday morning the pain never came back.  He had a good workout Friday night and said he was okay to play in his tournament this weekend.  That's a whole other story, but it's a relief that he seems to be doing okay.  And if the pain does come back, at least now we have a little more history and can ask specific questions to the doctor of how a Celiac reaction might impact the appendix.  It was definitely a worrisome, frustrating few days, and I'm not looking forward to the bill, but I'm thrilled he's doing better.  Never a dull moment with this kid.

My Buddy

As is pretty evident here on the blog, Carter and I spend a lot of time together.  Craig tends to micromanage Jacob's basketball career (as much as he can with a busy career full of travel), and by default that means Carter and I have a lot of time to kill together.  Craig prefers to be there for basketball because he likes to see for himself how things go, since what he sees and what Jacob experiences can be different.  Inevitably he needs to talk Jacob down or use what he sees to help make decisions for his next steps.  There are times I wish he would let me do more for Jacob's basketball, for a couple reasons.  First, I always end up feeling a little awkward when I do make it to his stuff (mostly games) and no one knows me.  It would probably be better if I had more opportunities to interact with parents and know who the kids are more quickly, and that's why last week's breakfast and yesterday's practice/scrimmage were important--even if it didn't really do me much good yesterday when I felt more comfortable socially distancing on the other set of bleachers since the one set was already pretty full.  The other issue is that Carter always gets left with me and I don't want him getting a complex.  Craig does spend time with him in other ways--sitting with him to watch TV, playing mobile app games with him, and doing bedtime with him every other night, but Carter and I definitely end up alone together far more often.

I think for a while it bugged him more.  When I was dragging him with me all the time during the pandemic on our little hikes, or more recently to the store on at least a weekly basis, he would always be like, "How long is this going to take?" or "Why do we have to do this?" or "Why do I have to go with you all the time?"  But sometimes things need to get done, and sometimes we both need a break from screens and sitting around the house.  He still doesn't love the errand-running, but he's gradually gotten better about it.  It probably doesn't hurt that I try to include a playground or something else fun as much as possible.  If it's not outdoor season, maybe it's a treat, but I try to be a little careful with those because I don't want him expecting them.  Even still, he's really good at expressing his gratefulness whenever he does get something, so at least there's that.  

But in the middle of all of this time together, he's definitely become my little buddy.  It's so sweet now, too, because he takes pride in the stuff we both like and can't wait to do new things with me.  Whether it's food or playgrounds or our love of roller coasters, he gets so excited talking about things we can do together.  He is desperate to get back to Darien Lake and talks about how that was his favorite day ever last summer, and he is already looking forward to a trip we're planning (hopefully next year) once he is tall enough for all the coasters at Cedar Point!  He's already planning how to get Jacob on the waterslides at Darien Lake this year and what our route might be for Cedar Point.  He's already so excited, even though he's still a couple inches short of the big trip.

I think what makes this even crazier is that we were having a VERY hard time mid-pandemic.  I can't say it should have been surprising since most of our time together was spent with me nagging him to get off a screen or to do his school work.  He seemingly got used to hearing a nag or scold come out of my mouth most of the time and assumed the worst no matter what I said.  We struggled a lot and he stopped expressing nearly any affection for me.  It was heartbreaking and reminded me of how Jacob distanced himself from me once Carter was born.  I feel so fortunate that we were able to rebuild that trust and our bond, and I'm so amazed at what a good student he's become along the way.

The goal for every kid is to make them feel loved, and he definitely does.  I feel a little bad that he's becoming a bit of a mama's boy by default, because we know how mama's boys tend to go, but we'll cross that problematic bridge when we come to it.  For now, I'll just enjoy my little pal and be grateful for him being more willing to hang out with me.

We took our buddy-hood to a new level this past week because we were both sick together.  After I came down with Jacob's cold last Saturday, Carter woke up sniffly on Sunday.  That turned into three days home from school.  Much like the rest of us, his first few days were rough.  He almost went to school on Wednesday but things were draining into his throat and he was worried the coughing would be a problem.  So, we had one sick day together Monday, and then he periodically came to check in with me while I worked the other two days.  Since I had gotten Jacob a lunch of his choice out the previous week while he was home, I got Carter Taco Bell on Monday (he loves Nacho Fries and they're back for a while), which he thanked me for countless times.  As miserable as we were, the coolest thing about it was that we could hang out together and not worry about getting each other sick.  That's always one of the hardest things for me--if I'm sick I keep having to remind him not to come near me, and if he's sick I'm definitely more hesitant about laying with him at bedtime or snuggling him while we watch TV.  This time, we could just be together and not worry, which was a nice bright side to a crappy sickness.

Thursday was my first day home alone in over a week, and it was a glorious day at that.  It was up in the 60s and I took a walk at lunch before grabbing my laptop to do some work on the porch to finish out the day.  Most of the time I'm chained to my monitor because I need it for giant spreadsheets, but I was just writing a letter that day so why not sit on the porch?  I made myself a smoothie (my new specialty uses Wegmans Mango Pineapple Passionfruit juice, half a frozen banana, a few strawberries, a little stevia (the juice is lower sugar and because I can't taste I need sweet), some ice, and a little xanthan gum for texture) and it was pretty darn lovely for mid-March.   

Jacob and Craig came home mid-afternoon and immediately took off for Buffalo because they were going to the NCAA March Madness games with Craig's parents.  But fear not--Carter and I had big plans of our own!  We were going to Olive Garden for his first time!  Being the brother of someone with dietary restrictions is tough.  There are just restaurants we don't go to.  And if it's just me and Carter for a meal, we have other places we tend to go out of habit.  I can't say an expensive restaurant is usually a first choice when it's just you and a toddler, so we got into the habit of going to Taco Bell or Perri's Pizza (with the slice as big as his head).  Then he got into Domino's, and of course we loved Carmine's (those rolls!) before it sadly closed a few months ago.  But lately he's been asking to go to Olive Garden.  Since I'm not sure how lactose-intolerant Craig will do with an Italian place (turns out the salmon would probably be fine), I figured maybe the boys' night out would be our chance.  So, we made it a date!  I even changed my clothes and curled my hair, and off we went into the lovely evening!  We had to wait a few minutes to get our table, so we took a selfie!

At the table, we placed our order and Carter was excited for his big moment when the breadsticks arrived!  He was so eager to try them for the first time ever! 

They were a hit!

He really enjoyed them, and we had the waiter keep the baskets coming!  We both enjoyed our meals and ended up getting one last basket to wrap up with our leftovers.  Carter was so cute, because he grabbed one from that last batch and wanted to split it with me, so he held it out for me to pull off my half.  He also wanted to "toast" our breadsticks!  Such a funny kid.  We had such a nice dinner together.

Our plan was to grab dessert at the new Donuts Delite location down the road, but it turned out they closed at 6pm, so no dice.  But we were so full I don't think it mattered anyway!  We did have a backup plan we didn't end up doing either because we just didn't want to go to Wegmans--but one of these days I'm going to get their little individual serving of cannoli chips for us to snack on!

Another development from our night out was that just up the side street that borders Olive Garden, Carter noticed two playgrounds at a charter school. We'd never really noticed them before and that school had previously been a middle school so it never occurred to me that there might be a playground there.  But there were two--one older one on one side of the parking lot, and a newer looking one closer to the school.  We drove over after dinner to get a closer look, but I wasn't really dressed for a playground so we just checked it out quickly from the car.  Otherwise we probably would have stopped since it was still a nice night, but I promised we'd get back there soon.

When the big boys got home around 2:30am (don't worry, Jacob had Friday off), I could hear Craig sniffling, and sure enough, he confirmed he was coming down with the cold the rest of us had had.  I felt terrible because he had to travel the next day, and given how miserable we all had been, I couldn't imagine how he'd do his broadcast on Saturday, let alone function in general.  But off he went Friday morning, and while I know he didn't feel well at all, he seemed to get through the trip just fine.  But that left me with the boys all weekend, and it was basically shaping up to be a chauffeur weekend for Jacob--he had training on Saturday morning, a team building event at Lasertron Saturday night, and practice with a scrimmage on Sunday afternoon.  So, of course, more Carter and mom time!

My highlight from Friday and probably the biggest victory of the entire weekend (in the midst of all of Jacob's stuff, multiple loads of laundry, a batch of meatballs, a cake I needed out of the pantry, and a nice dinner, among other things) was probably finishing off my latest puzzle.  I bought this one last year at Five Below thinking it might be a fun one since Carter loves crystals and rocks, but it turned out this puzzle was not well cut and pieces fit together even when they weren't supposed to, so I wouldn't even let Carter touch it because he can mess that up even with a good puzzle.  This one was incredibly detailed, and while I finally got the hang of each individual element of the puzzle, the in-between stuff was hard and the last few pieces didn't end up fitting.  That meant I had to go back through and scan the puzzle for any pieces that were slightly "off", either in fit or in color, and make a couple swaps.  I think I got it in the end but I'm still not 100% sure all those in-between pieces are right!  But it definitely felt like a victory.

As I mentioned, Jacob had training at 10:30 on Saturday, and in the past when we've had to go out in the morning for that, Carter and I have often gotten a little breakfast treat.  We ended up stopping first at the gluten-free bakery to pick up some treats for Jacob--two cupcakes and a cinnamon roll--and then headed to Dunkin' where Carter got his favorite breakfast snack wrap and the best chocolate milk he ever had (Fairlife) and I got a frozen coffee.  Then it was back to grab Jacob.  We had our Olive Garden leftovers for lunch, and hung out at home for the afternoon.  I think I ended up taking a little nap at one point, and when I woke up, it was gorgeous and sunny out!  It had been drizzly all morning, and I knew possible thunderstorms were coming that evening (just ended up being rain), so this was unexpected.  The weather was nice and warm again--low 60s--so I hustled Carter into the car so we could sneak in a little playground time!  Back we went to the one near Olive Garden! 

It was a little muddy in spots around the mulch and some of the monkey bars and slides were drippy, but Carter was loving getting to play and we made it work. 

I got wet thighs going down the straight slide, but Carter really wanted me to do the twisty one so he went down it himself a few times to try to dry it off a little more--such a gentleman!  Of course, my butt is bigger than his so I ended up just using my black hoodie as extra protection.  We played for probably 30-45 minutes before the clouds came rolling in.  We checked out the older, smaller playground across the lot for a few minutes, but we started to feel drops so it was time to go.  But I'm glad we got a little playground time and were able to enjoy the weather for a bit.  And Carter thanked me for taking him, too.  After that, we drove down the road for our belated trip to Donuts Delite, just as it began to pour.  The new location is so cute.  You may remember the original one from this post--but it's neat to have a new one closer to home!  We had to wait in line for a little bit, but ended up picking out two apple fritters, one chocolate glazed, and one Snickers.  Alas, the amazing HoHo donut that I discovered a couple years ago and had been craving since was not in stock!  Maybe another day.  

I made lasagna for the boys, by request, and after that it was off to drop Jacob at his event.  Carter and I made a stop at Target on the way home and then had a little time to kill before heading back out to pick him up so we just went home.  Carter may be my little buddy but I didn't think we could kill two hours without a revolt from him since he's still not a fan of errands and I couldn't figure out anything fun that I felt like tackling that late at night.

We did church and lunch Sunday before heading to Jacob's practice and scrimmage.  We did a couple quick errands while he was at practice and then arrived in time for the scrimmage.  He did fine, especially considering it's a 9th grade team, but he's definitely still getting in his groove with this team.  His coach is a varsity assistant with his new school, so it's important to make a good impression.  We came home and I made dinner just before Craig got home.  Another week has begun, and the bright spot from my evening of shuttling Jacob to and from practice was finding a new playground Carter and I need to check out in the city, just down the road from the art gallery.  Now if the weather would just cooperate, that would be great.

Anyway, I'm just so grateful that Carter and I have this bond because I think it's something we both need right now especially.  Between the pandemic and how much Jacob has stuff going on, we both need someone to go through it all with.  He needs to be loved and accepted and engaged, and I need lots of hugs.  It's a win-win.  And I'm a lucky mom.

Two Years

Two years ago today was our last normal day--the last day we went to work and school and saw people without serious concern that COVID was lurking.  I'd had an eventful shopping trip the night before that tipped me off that things might be changing, and we knew something might be happening soon with school and work, but hopefully not imminently.  In fact, when we had dinner with families from my bible study that Friday night, we still said "See you at church on Sunday" as we left...only for church to be canceled before we ever made it there.  Same thing with school and work--we left on Friday expecting to at least be back on Monday, and by Sunday everything had shut down.  The only thing I did at work on Monday was gather up my computer equipment and a few papers and come right back home.  And life was really strange for a solid three months after that, and obviously has never really gone back to normal since.  And at this point it's pretty clear it likely never will.

It's hard to even comprehend the last two years.  So many phases and stages, so much anxiety and loss, so many challenges and new experiences (though maybe not the ones we'd want), and so many changes in habits and routines.  We probably should have known from the beginning that two weeks wasn't going to be enough to put a dent in this thing, but I don't think most people would have guessed that we'd still be dealing with it two years later, or that some aspects of it have likely changed our society permanently.  If you would have told me that two years later I'd primarily be working from home, I'd have thought you were nuts, but here we are.  And I think for most people, they'll have to pry hybrid work from their cold, dead hands (or deal with a mass exodus) if they ever try to take it away.  I don't mind the office, but admittedly the home flexibility has been a pretty incredible revelation.

I'll never forget that shopping trip I took the night before the last normal day.  Wegmans was jammed, shelves emptied, lines snaking halfway through the store.  The initial panic of an imminent shutdown led to that first round of product shortages--sanitizer, soap, wipes, and of course, toilet paper.  It was bizarre and scary, so much so that I took a picture to remember it.  It's ironic that at the time it gave me vibes of a what a third-world or war-torn country deals with, and two years later those empty shelves are part of a horrifying reality in Ukraine, where war is now raging.  In fact, so much of what we experienced and complained about here is now happening there a thousand times worse--empty stores, closed schools and businesses, not being able to go out in public, dying or separated loved ones, all in the midst of bombings and being forced out of their homes or fleeing their country entirely.  It's crushing to see the news and impossible to comprehend the terror of it all, knowing how mentally challenging things were for us two years ago with circumstances that were still light years better than what they're dealing with now.  It is unfathomable to me.

Those early months here were hard.  We made the best of them, for sure, but when I look back at photos from that time--basically all tiny snapshots of bright spots or things I wanted to make sure I remembered--it's a roller coaster ride of emotions.  Some things were so simple--only going out of the house once a week, no activities, playing board games to break up the monotony, baking cookies every week, early signs of spring, finding joy in getting out for a run, starting our weekly take out dinner routine--and some were crushingly hard.  Remote school and work were overwhelming; missing family and friends was sad, especially at Easter; and the all-encompassing fear and uncertainty of a virus that was killing people in record numbers was such a heavy weight to carry.  We struggled badly with all the togetherness.  Sibling rivalry reached heights previously unknown, and compounded by boredom and struggles with remote school, life in our house was very stressful for a long time.  But we also had school car parades and creative birthday celebrations.  We did family Zoom calls and surprise drive-by Mother's Day flower deliveries.  We found joy in low-key outdoor outings and I toyed around with flowers in my yard.  Craig didn't have to travel so we had him on weekends year-round.  The slower pace wasn't all bad, and sleeping in (because we didn't have to go anywhere early) was lovely.  But the fear and change cast a pall over everything, no matter how hard we tried.  We learned how to wear masks and wipe down groceries.  We experienced our first brain-scraping nasal swabs at a drive-thru testing site and eventually learned how to give ourselves COVID tests.  I learned how to meal plan enough to do Wegmans only once a week, and although I now find myself going more often (darn hungry teenager), at least I'm still trying to plan meals a week in advance.  

As a whole I think that first year was a mix of wonder and worry.  Sometimes getting out of your rut has its advantages, and I think there were a lot of bright spots as we meandered through our new normal.  It was a chance to reset and do things better where we could, and I think most people put that energy into new hobbies or a baking habit or finding ways to maximize the things we could do safely.  It was still very limiting and we missed so much that first year, but I can appreciate how it forced us out of our comfort zone and encouraged us to do things we might never have done otherwise.  Even that first COVID Christmas was a great example of that.  Yes, we were worried that Jacob had COVID and we were so sad to be missing out on family time, but it was our (hopefully) one chance to have that full Christmas experience at home.  Was it the best ever?  No, but it maybe answered a nagging question in the back of my mind about what we might be missing out on and gave us a unique set of memories.  Over that first summer we did a couple outdoorsy things I probably would have had to beg the family to do under normal circumstances, and it definitely made us appreciate the little things a bit more.

But by the time the year anniversary came around and we realized we'd been at this for a year, I think there was a mental shift for me.  At the time we seemed to be gaining on the virus with vaccinations, which helped, but the reality of being "on hold" for a year was sobering.  When things started to go back downhill in the summer as delta began to make gains, I definitely think my zest for life waned a bit.  I didn't spend nearly as much time outside and my excitement to tackle house projects fizzled out.  My runs were no longer the escape they once were (due to both injuries and the effort needed), my flowers were diseased, and even our little nature adventures sometimes felt like more effort than they were worth.  It's been an odd mental struggle since then--where some parts of life have returned to normal or become a solid new normal, but the ongoing weight of the rest of life tends to leave me with zero energy to attend to anything beyond the must-dos.  I think it's the long-term stress response (we're not made to be on alert this long) compounded by the mental fatigue brought on by half of society seemingly "failing the group project", all the political division, and now massive inflation and the Ukraine war.  I know I wasn't alone in that odd weight--a lot of my co-workers expressed their surprise with a similar struggle months ago and it's likely only gotten worse.

I still don't know what's going to pull me out of this long-term funk.  My health right now is doing me zero favors, and the weather isn't helping either since we had more snow again yesterday, but this coming week looks a little more promising.  I don't know if good weather will help since it clearly wasn't enough last year, but I can only hope this year will be different.  I think a real vacation would make a huge difference, but I worry about the risks and how much harder it might feel to come back to reality once that momentous event is over.  We have some basketball travel ahead, but it's still not Disney or the Pacific Northwest or Atlanta or some tropical getaway, all of which have come up for consideration when we dreamed of getaways once we were comfortable flying again.  And now that we're at that point--in theory, anyway--I don't even know where to begin to coordinate a trip between school, work, Craig's game schedule, Jacob's basketball, and whatever else.  Our late summer trip last year felt hard enough.  But I think it's needed for so many reasons, not the least of which is to assure Jacob that we can do fun things as a family.

I struggle with a large portion of society acting like this is over.  Masks are off in schools and almost everywhere else, people are gathering without precautions, and many are traveling pretty regularly again.  Friday and yesterday I helped out with a fundraiser pancake breakfast for Jacob's new basketball team.  I was one of only two people at the entire event that were masked.  And you know what, I apparently caught the cold Jacob has been dealing with since Wednesday, so I guess they're lucky I took precautions.  I just wish more people offered that same courtesy in return.  I know getting back to normal should be a good thing, but it still feels premature to me.  I read an article documenting the end of other historical pandemics, and the year after the end of the pandemics tended to be worse because the illness was still circulating and people were no longer taking any precautions.  I think we're on track for the same thing to happen now, if only because all the people who got omicron around the holidays will be losing their immunity again by this year's holiday season.  I think a lot of the people who are comfortable without precautions have probably had COVID so they feel safe (even if they're not), but I am still struggling with letting this become something we just live with.  I have worked very hard to protect my family, and now that is much harder to do.  While I don't seem like I should be at risk, there are a couple funky family history things that make me wonder.  A probable coronavirus already took my taste and smell from me 12 years ago, so I don't want to know what COVID might take from me next.  Our friend who caught COVID from her husband when he exposed me a few weeks ago just had emergency quadruple bypass after having notably few complications in the 10 years since she had a heart attack at a young age.  What are the odds COVID pushed that along?   You just never know.

Making this much of a mental shift, from total protection to letting go, is really challenging.  Despite cases being quite low right now, I'm still hearing of people catching COVID.  Your chances of encountering someone with COVID in any general setting might be low right now, but if you do have the bad luck of ending up near someone who has it with no precautions, your chance of catching it is pretty high.  It should be encouraging that cases are low even though we're still primarily indoors, but it still poses a risk--if not to our health, then at least to accomplishing the things on our social calendar.  Even this weekend, I was planning on going to the Knighthawks game and driving to Buffalo to see my parents before they leave on another trip, but Jacob got a cold on Wednesday, by Saturday I had it, and Carter woke up with it this morning.  Jacob and I both tested negative, but obviously in this day and age you don't go out if you're sick.  And with that, all the rest of my weekend plans were dashed.  It's just that easy, and this wasn't even COVID.  We have so much coming up, from basketball tournaments and jury duty to Easter and a wedding, and we just can't afford to miss any of it after two years of missing so much.  

Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday that the world changed, and sometimes it feels like it's been so long I can't remember what life was once like.  In many ways we've adjusted well, and in others I'm not sure how we ever get back on track.  I'm thankful the kids have been in school this year and have done so well, and I'm happy that many parts of life seem to be getting closer to normal (even if we're still masked when doing them).  There's no doubt in my mind that we'll look back on this time years from now as a point of change in so many parts of life.  There will be "pre-pandemic" things and things that spawned from the pandemic, from work life changes and habits to safety precautions and the state of our mental health.  The experience has made me grateful for many of the small pleasures in life and appreciative of the comfort our home provides even in the midst of ongoing mental struggles.  My perspective has been changed forever in so many ways.  I do hope that someday soon I feel more comfortable getting back to normal, but for now I'm going to continue my "one day at a time" mantra I've been sticking to since this began.  A year ago I was hopeful that we were approaching the end, but we all know how that worked out.  So I'm pretty hesitant to make any assumptions this time around, but I hope that we at least get a solid six-plus months of near-normalcy to rejuvenate us a bit, and that whatever happens in the fall is considerably less than what we had the year prior.  It's been a strange couple years, and as we head into Year Three, I can only pray we make it through unscathed, happier, and much more at peace with all we've been through and with whatever lies ahead.  

Blowin' in the Wind

It was a bit of a mentally exhausting week.  I still wasn't feeling good, Jacob has been in a mood, Craig was on the road from Thursday to midday Saturday, and the world continues to feel generally challenging.

Before I get into this past week, here's a picture from last weekend of Carter playing with my old slot machine bank.  We had read about a spelling bee in a book and I told him the story of when I was in the Lutheran Schools spelling bee while my parents were on vacation, and I came in second because I spelled "monstrous" wrong.  I think my parents felt bad about missing it, because they brought me the best souvenir ever: a slot machine bank!  It still mostly works--the reels are a little more finicky--but Carter had a blast with it.  It's always fun when your kid can enjoy a piece of your childhood.

One hard part of this past week was the school mask mandate being dropped.  While most people were making happy posts of smiling faces on social media, I was sending my kids off masked, same as usual.  And feeling terribly guilty about it.  Knowing that you're having your kids do something that most families aren't asking of their kids is hard.  But we had just gotten past a week off of school, so who knows what was floating around.  And if you listen to the anti-maskers, our immune systems are crap after being masked for two years (never mind that they also insist masks block nothing but yet somehow are completely covered with bacteria--shouldn't we have been exposed to that bacteria at least?), so do I really want to expose my kids to that cesspool as everyone's catching everything?  I told them that we'll give it a few weeks, see how cases and other absences evolve, see how they're feeling about things, and go from there.  Carter seemed a little bummed that more people weren't wearing masks, but Jacob was pleasantly surprised how many people stayed masked at his school.  He knows that if he gets COVID it might impact his spring basketball, so he's probably more motivated to wear one for that reason alone.  But as a parent it really felt crappy to not let them be a part of all the joy and smiles.  And then I went to church on Ash Wednesday and was one of only four people I saw in a rather full church who were wearing one--and probably the only one younger than 60.  It was actually disheartening, because I just don't get how no one thinks that it's a risk to be sitting next to people you don't know, whose habits you don't know, and/or to not really care what you might be carrying without knowing it.  I guess it's frustrating because while we don't have any specific reasons to feel concerned, there's still a bit of risk for Craig and me in particular, and if we let up and got sicker than expected, I'd be so mad at myself--just like I was after I took down my mask for a couple conversations and almost got COVID a few weeks ago.  

Speaking of which, I haven't been feeling like myself since I got exposed, and after two and a half weeks of it I was really starting to feel fatigued after long days of head pressure and some dull pain.  Some days it just felt like someone was pressing their fingers into my temples.  Other days the pressure went through my temples, down the back of my head, and into my neck.  Sometimes there were twinges of pain, and sometimes it just felt like the front of my head was extra hot, even though my temperature was normal.  Between wondering and worrying about what it was and having to be functional while working all day, it was really starting to tire me out.  I finally called the doctor on Thursday and got an appointment for Friday.  My doctor decided to start with antibiotics in case I was having some sort of underlying sinus infection.  It wasn't out of the question, but normally a sinus infection is mucus city for me, and that wasn't the case.  Her next step would be physical therapy in case it was tension from sitting at a desk and general stress, but I'm not convinced of that since I had a few days off during break and should have relaxed a little then.  Let's hope the antibiotics work.  I've had moments of feeling almost normal since I started taking them, but most of the time the pain or pressure is still there in some form.  Tonight I made it a point to work out with extra attention to my neck and shoulders to see if I could work out whatever was causing the pain up my neck and into my head.  It seemed to help a little, so I'm just going to have to try to keep it up.  If nothing else, it'll give me some ammunition when the doctor starts talking about therapy again, if I've been doing my own stuff and it's not working.  I don't like feeling off but not having much else to help diagnose things.  It's frustrating and worrisome, particularly for someone with anxiety, but hopefully it's nothing.  

Even though it made Friday a little more hectic since I was solo with the kids in the morning, it was nice that Craig's roadtrip was a day earlier than usual and got him home on Saturday afternoon.  We were happy to do dinner out (it saved us some money to eat in for a change), and Carter loved making his own pizza at the restaurant for the first time in a couple years.  He was very proud of how it turned out!
 

During the meal we watched the girls' varsity basketball team from Jacob's school as they competed in the Section V final.  We followed the game on the way home (including an ice cream stop at Dairy Queen) and they ended up winning a few minutes after we walked in the door.  It was neat to see, even if it won't be his school for much longer.

Sunday was a weird day.  We went to church in the morning, which was fine.  It was weirdly warm, even first thing in the morning, already in the mid-50s.  Once we got home, as the temperature continued to rise, the winds increased with it.  They were predicting wind gusts of 65mph, which is always a challenge for me.  I was doing everything in my power to ignore it, from making lunch to taking down the Valentine's decorations to putting on music through earbuds to drown it out.  The anxiety was a lot and I could not stop tensing up.  In my freakout I finally got fed up with the fact we'd had a puzzle sitting on our dining room table for about two weeks and it was desperately waiting to be done, so I finished it with Carter's help.  It was a fun one, Lego Minifigures! 

Carter and I played a little Wii in the basement, which helped dull the sound of the wind.  But we had also talked about trying to go to a playground since it was so warm out.  Carter has been talking about wanting "climbing season" to start (aka playground season), and since it was a warm day, we wanted to try to enjoy it despite the wind.  The high hit 73, but by that point of the day it was about 65.  I figured if we were going to go out, we should do it soon.  I strategically picked a playground that had zero trees around it, so we went back to the two playgrounds at the Parma Town Hall.  The drive there was a little wild.  We saw a large tree down around the corner from our house, saw a few large branches down and some roof damage, and went through one busy light on blinking red.  The wind was pretty crazy.  Nothing that quite knocked me over, but it definitely made me take an extra step a couple times.  It was good to be back to the playground, and Carter had a blast playing with the other kids.  

The wind was fascinating to watch and feel, and it honestly felt less nervewracking to be out in it than at home listening to the house creak.  I think it helped that we were out in an open area and not near the roar through the trees.   

It wasn't too bad to be out in, but I will say that as the temperature dropped into the low-60s while we were there, the wind definitely made it feel colder.  A hoodie was enough but the sun-warmed car felt nice when we were done, and my ears felt rather windblown.

Hair and hoodie blowing from behind!

In between Carter running around with other kids, he was back to his favorite, climbing!

He also had a blast on the spinner.  Between all the kids and the wind, it was a challenge to keep it spinning!

At one point I climbed to the top of the tower to see how the wind felt up there--luckily it was a very stable structure but still pretty intense--and it gave me a better view of a tree on the other side of the courts that looked like it was taking the brunt of the wind.  

Quite a tilt happening there.  Wonder if it will still be there next time we visit?

Carter was determined to get in some good climbs, and he had to pull his pant legs up to get some grip.  

He was cracking me up with his narration and his short shorts!  He actually did a successful climb before this but then decided he wanted me to record him.  I think he had done a little too much climbing prior and just tired himself out.  Oh, well...it's early in the season and he needs to get back into climbing shape!

It was nice to get out, and fortunately by the time we headed home for dinner, the wind was starting to wind down.  All things considered we made it through okay.  I'm pretty sure we have a very loose shutter on the windy side of the house--I haven't been over there yet but I could definitely hear it and I know we have a couple that are warped, so it wouldn't be surprising.  Our front window, which had extended from a six-inch crack to about a foot over the following weeks, officially extended across the entire window.  Not much we can do about it since the new one is on order but will still be a long wait.  Hopefully it holds okay in the meantime.  That night it became apparent that the houses across the street had no power.  There were no street lights initially, although those came on a while later.  But the whole side of the street as far as I could see was out.  I felt extra lucky we were still on.  The next day, just as I finished cooking my lunch, our power randomly went out.  I don't know if it was part of fixing the other power or what, but it stayed out for a little over three hours.  And since I couldn't figure out how to release our garage door (the rope broke off five years ago), I was basically just stuck in the house on a super dreary, cold day waiting for the power to come back so I could do more work.  It was rather boring, if I'm honest.  Sadly, the return of our power did not bring the power back to the opposite side of the street, and neither did the trucks that were on our street late into the evening.  This morning there were nine trucks at one point, and I saw them loading a new telephone pole back into a yard, so I guess that was the culprit.  Their power came back on sometime after lunch today, probably around 48 hours after it went out.  Five years ago today was the worst wind storm in Rochester history, and we lost power for three days that time.  This one wasn't quite that bad--that one had gusts in the low 80s, and this one tied for 7th with 72mph.  Let me tell you, I will gladly give up 70 degrees in early March if it means we avoid 70+mph winds.  Give me a random March snowstorm any day.  Of course, five years ago, a few days after the windstorm we got hammered with over a foot and a half of snow.  I'll pass on that one-two punch as well.  But I would really like to get closer to actual spring.  That little taste of it was a reminder how nice it is to be outside and feel some warmth!

Now onward to another week, and hopefully a much quieter one at that.

What's on My Mind Today...

Lots of angst, big and small, today.  

1) Ukraine - This week, Russia invaded Ukraine.  Putin's excuse is that Ukraine is run by Neo-Nazis, but never mind that their leader is a Jew whose family went through the Holocaust so that's probably not the case.  It's pretty clear he's just trying to keep Ukraine from leaning too far to the west amidst his efforts to recreate the Soviet Union, and he wants to keep an economic stronghold on a very important economic region.  It's heartbreaking to watch families evacuate while husbands and fathers stay behind for military service.  It's gutting to think of families that lived a relatively simple existence a few weeks ago are now torn apart and torn from their homes, not knowing when or if they will ever make it back.  I can't even fathom it, and it makes me sick that anyone in the US is complaining about their "freedoms" when people on the other side of the world are experiencing a real loss of freedom.

2) Politics - I am so exhausted by politics and how it shapes seemingly everything right now.  Everything from how we manage the pandemic, to how we raise our kids, to how we feel about the Russian invasion is seemingly based on politics these days.  Trump indicated his desire to run again today and it makes me crazy that we could be headed for another four years of ridiculousness and even more division.  Nothing empowers a mad man more than regaining his power, and now that he knows what he can get away with, there will be no stopping him.  It's going to get ugly, and ugly on top of another less than awesome presidential term could have paralyzing effects on everything.  It's absurd and exhausting and I'm tired of the hypocrites on both sides.  Human decency has seemingly disappeared in the name of liberty, and there's a fine line between censorship and protection, and I'm ot sure either side grasps it properly.  Both sides have good points and both sides have made terrible decisions, and despite all of the things we could agree on, most choose not to because God forbid they agree with the crazies on the other side...even though many of us are stuck somewhere in the middle and think both extremes suck.  I'm just over how people can't seem to think critically beyond what their "side" is telling them.

3) Mask mandate - The school mask mandate is going away as of Wednesday.  I can't say that I'm excited that all of our efforts for the last two years are basically going to be for naught because my kids' masks are not going to protect them in a small room full of others' aerosols for six hours.  I feel bad for teachers who are significantly more at risk than the kids and have limited opportunity to protect themselves now.  Maybe most frustrating is that it's empowering the folks who have been calling this "tyranny" for the last two years, because they think this is some sort of admission that they were right all along.  I would say that it's a calculated adjustment based on data, except I'm not convinced the data really supports it either given that deaths are still running pretty high (just under 2,000 per day nationwide).  I really think everyone in power feels a bit backed into a corner and knows they're going to be dealing with crazy mobs if they don't ease something up.  With cases down they probably feel they can't use that as a stat anymore, so they might as well give the mob what they want and if there are consequences at least they have real-life evidence for moving back the other way, which could happen if transmission goes back up at some point or schools start seeing more cases.  Either way, it's frustrating because I don't like the position it's putting kids in as the wearers vs. the not-wearers.  School is hard enough without another thing to ostracize a certain group, and given some of the reactions I saw online today, I'm worried some of the "we won" arrogance is going to trickle down to the kids.  They were less empowered to get into the "sheep" talk when everyone had to mask, but now that it's not the case, I sure hope those parents have talked to their kids about respecting those who still choose to mask up.  We obviously prefer the kids wear them, and I think it will be easier to have Carter continue on.  Half the time he forgets he's even wearing one.  I've told Jacob that we would prefer it, but that we can't police it so if he's getting crap from people, he can choose.  I've also told him he should consider whether his teachers wear them, as I feel like wearing one in response would be a nice show of respect.  He is well aware of the risks to his upcoming basketball season if he gets it, so that may inform his decision as well, but at least he's already had it so he might have that extra layer of protection anyway.  Mind you, the rest of us at home do not, so that should probably be a consideration as well.  If nothing else, I'm just going to have to keep an eye on cases in school over the next couple weeks, especially since we're just getting back from break, and if cases don't increase, it'll be food for thought.  In the meantime, I just feel defeated, like everything we've been fighting for has been shot down.  We've lost our last line of defense to keep our kids safe.  As a mom, it just doesn't settle right with me that I can no longer protect my kids at school, that I have to willingly let them go into a setting that is less safe than it was a week ago.  Masking is most effective when everyone does it.  Now, even if my kids mask, their mask will be significantly less effective when there are more germs swirling around the room.  Protecting them is instinct, so I am having trouble accepting that I can't do it any longer--short of homeschooling which would be a disaster for all--and that society seems to think I should be okay with it.  They say COVID is not that bad and everyone's going to get it anyway.  Never mind that I've seen plenty of instances of it being life-changing for people, so I struggle with willingly submitting to that risk simply because people are tired of trying to protect others and think it infringes on their freedoms.  It's disheartening and feels like a whole new phase of concern.

4) Health - While I have not had COVID, I swear I have not felt right since I was potentially exposed a couple weeks ago.  I had low-grade headaches for days, which I swore was my body's response to being exposed.  It was the same headache as I had after my shots, plus some brain fog or just feeling "off"--not necessarily sick, just like I wanted to go lay down and not think.  All I could figure was that I had a very low exposure and my vaccine did what it was supposed to--my body knew how to fight it off before it became a full-blown infection, and that's what it did.  But since the headaches ended about a week ago, I've had weird head pressure instead.  Not pain, just a full head that sometimes feels hot inside--much like it feels when you have a fever, but my temperature was normal.  I've also felt like my heart was pumping more with mild exertion than I would expect, but maybe that's just my imagination or being really out of shape.  I'm definitely keeping an eye on it, though I dread dealing with my doctor who always insists I need to give up dairy or gluten or meat because my reflux/cholesterol/loss of smell and taste are all signs from my body that it doesn't like what I'm eating.  But given how limited my enjoyment of food can be as it is, between no taste and our household's dietary restrictions, I can't say jumping into that without evidence is really my first choice.  I worry about things because my grandma had a mild stroke when she was younger and my mom had mysterious blockages in her carotid arteries when she was around my age that apparently dissipated (cholesterol meds, maybe?) so I don't always trust what my genetics may have me in line for, even though I look relatively healthy.

5) Back to school/work - Last week was break for the kids, and I took three days off, but unfortunately I don't think we made the most of it.  The kids may be fine with it, but there was a lot of screen time happening, especially on the days that I worked.  On my days off I feel like we either just rested because it was all we could muster or tried to keep up with errands.  Monday was a beautiful day but Jacob had an appointment in the middle of it so we couldn't really do much around it.  Had I thought it through I still probably would have tried to cram in the zoo or something.  Friday was the worst because Craig and Jacob got up at 6:30 to work out, and then I had to get up at 8:30 to sit through an hour webinar on my day off (I needed it to complete a requirement.  Then I dragged myself out to shovel a fresh four inches of snow, which was exhausting.  That took longer than expected and I had to rush to get ready for my blood donation appointment, where something went wrong.  I don't know if it was a bad stick or the shoveling exertion messed with my body, because my blood was flowing so slowly that it eventually clotted off and the donation could not be completed.  They mentioned I had a super valve that was going nuts so I sort of wonder if the needle went in just after the valve and the valve slowed it down so much on the backend that it didn't work, but then I read that exercise before donating isn't recommended and maybe I dehydrated myself in the process, too, which can also cause problems.  Whatever it was, it was my first epic fail there and essentially a waste of time.  Then I came home, ate lunch and had to run out to Carter's well visit, which basically sucked up the rest of my day off.  Plus it just kept snowing all day, so it wasn't like we could go out and do anything fun, and between my busy day and sore arm and just feeling blah, I was in no mood to play in the snow.  Then I had to ban Carter from TV for Saturday because he was so addicted to it that he wasn't listening to me, and as a whole the week just felt unproductive and frustrating.  This weekend I wanted to go to the Knighthawks game on Saturday night, but then Jacob had practice scheduled from 6 to 8, which was about the worst timing possible considering the game started at 8 and we needed an early-ish bedtime to leave for a tournament the next morning.  It felt like nothing this week went as expected, and now we're all going back to school and work feeling a little unsatisfied.  Jacob is completely checked out of school because basketball is over and he knows he's changing schools in the fall.  Not that he's not doing his work, but he has a harder time getting up in the morning and motivating himself.  At least I'm home for another month, and Carter mostly likes school, but considering he slept in as late as 11am during the week, Monday morning could still be ugly.   

6) Our bizarre morning - On Sunday Jacob was scheduled to play in a tournament in Binghamton.  Of course I was excited since it meant an opportunity to see Heather and Mason (and drop off 2T clothes!), but it was going to be a bit of a challenge to get there.  Since Craig had a game the night before, we didn't really want to leave Saturday and stay in a hotel--mostly because Craig was insisting on coming and having two cars there seemed silly.  The hotels were also pretty limited and rather pricey, so I wasn't thrilled with that either.  But then the first game wasn't until 10am, so we figured we could just get up early and go, and if Craig was extra tired, I could drive.  It was a very early morning for all of us, and we got off to a rough start.  We left a few minutes late and then got a message that he needed black shorts while we were in the Dunkin' drive-thru line, which meant we needed to take the 10 minute detour back home.  Then the GPS kept telling us that parts of 390 were closed, which they weren't, and shortly after that stopped, 390 actually was closed when we got to the Geneseo exit (but of course neither the GPS or Google was seeing it there!).  We worked our way through Geneseo to the next 390 entrance, seeing the emergency vehicles nearby but not seeing what had happened.  About 15 minutes later as we hit Dansville, we got a call from one of the coaches that something went wrong with the uniforms they were supposed to wear, which meant they couldn't play at all!  So, we just turned back around and drove home.  More than two hours on the road for nothing...ugh.  On the way back, we got a better view of what happened on the highway, in the form of a blue tarp on the side of the road with a pair of feet just visible underneath.  That was a bit unsettling.  Not much has been released yet but it looks like a hit-and-run.  I can only figure that someone broke down, got out of their vehicle, and got hit while it was still dark, but there was a full four-hour span it could have happened in so who knows for sure.  That only made the trip weirder, and it was pretty surreal being back home by a little after 9am having accomplished nothing except a long drive to nowhere and a Dunkin' run.  Suffice it to say, the morning was pretty quiet after that.  It definitely felt like a let-down considering we had hopes of a full and rather interesting day.  On the bright side, Heather did have the great idea to do a Zoom call so I could see Mason toddling around and we could catch up, and we do have a tentative plan to meet up in Syracuse in four weeks, so that felt a little better.  

Everything feels heavy tonight.  My anxiety has ramped up as my feeling of control has slipped away further, and yet as I compare my situation to what's happening halfway across the world, this seems almost trivial.  But moms protecting their kids is how the world has worked since the dawn of time.  I may not be protecting mine from missile strikes (nor from a piece of cloth), but the instinct is the same and my mama heart hurts for all that's happening in the world right now, near and far.