What's on My Mind Today...

Lots of angst, big and small, today.  

1) Ukraine - This week, Russia invaded Ukraine.  Putin's excuse is that Ukraine is run by Neo-Nazis, but never mind that their leader is a Jew whose family went through the Holocaust so that's probably not the case.  It's pretty clear he's just trying to keep Ukraine from leaning too far to the west amidst his efforts to recreate the Soviet Union, and he wants to keep an economic stronghold on a very important economic region.  It's heartbreaking to watch families evacuate while husbands and fathers stay behind for military service.  It's gutting to think of families that lived a relatively simple existence a few weeks ago are now torn apart and torn from their homes, not knowing when or if they will ever make it back.  I can't even fathom it, and it makes me sick that anyone in the US is complaining about their "freedoms" when people on the other side of the world are experiencing a real loss of freedom.

2) Politics - I am so exhausted by politics and how it shapes seemingly everything right now.  Everything from how we manage the pandemic, to how we raise our kids, to how we feel about the Russian invasion is seemingly based on politics these days.  Trump indicated his desire to run again today and it makes me crazy that we could be headed for another four years of ridiculousness and even more division.  Nothing empowers a mad man more than regaining his power, and now that he knows what he can get away with, there will be no stopping him.  It's going to get ugly, and ugly on top of another less than awesome presidential term could have paralyzing effects on everything.  It's absurd and exhausting and I'm tired of the hypocrites on both sides.  Human decency has seemingly disappeared in the name of liberty, and there's a fine line between censorship and protection, and I'm ot sure either side grasps it properly.  Both sides have good points and both sides have made terrible decisions, and despite all of the things we could agree on, most choose not to because God forbid they agree with the crazies on the other side...even though many of us are stuck somewhere in the middle and think both extremes suck.  I'm just over how people can't seem to think critically beyond what their "side" is telling them.

3) Mask mandate - The school mask mandate is going away as of Wednesday.  I can't say that I'm excited that all of our efforts for the last two years are basically going to be for naught because my kids' masks are not going to protect them in a small room full of others' aerosols for six hours.  I feel bad for teachers who are significantly more at risk than the kids and have limited opportunity to protect themselves now.  Maybe most frustrating is that it's empowering the folks who have been calling this "tyranny" for the last two years, because they think this is some sort of admission that they were right all along.  I would say that it's a calculated adjustment based on data, except I'm not convinced the data really supports it either given that deaths are still running pretty high (just under 2,000 per day nationwide).  I really think everyone in power feels a bit backed into a corner and knows they're going to be dealing with crazy mobs if they don't ease something up.  With cases down they probably feel they can't use that as a stat anymore, so they might as well give the mob what they want and if there are consequences at least they have real-life evidence for moving back the other way, which could happen if transmission goes back up at some point or schools start seeing more cases.  Either way, it's frustrating because I don't like the position it's putting kids in as the wearers vs. the not-wearers.  School is hard enough without another thing to ostracize a certain group, and given some of the reactions I saw online today, I'm worried some of the "we won" arrogance is going to trickle down to the kids.  They were less empowered to get into the "sheep" talk when everyone had to mask, but now that it's not the case, I sure hope those parents have talked to their kids about respecting those who still choose to mask up.  We obviously prefer the kids wear them, and I think it will be easier to have Carter continue on.  Half the time he forgets he's even wearing one.  I've told Jacob that we would prefer it, but that we can't police it so if he's getting crap from people, he can choose.  I've also told him he should consider whether his teachers wear them, as I feel like wearing one in response would be a nice show of respect.  He is well aware of the risks to his upcoming basketball season if he gets it, so that may inform his decision as well, but at least he's already had it so he might have that extra layer of protection anyway.  Mind you, the rest of us at home do not, so that should probably be a consideration as well.  If nothing else, I'm just going to have to keep an eye on cases in school over the next couple weeks, especially since we're just getting back from break, and if cases don't increase, it'll be food for thought.  In the meantime, I just feel defeated, like everything we've been fighting for has been shot down.  We've lost our last line of defense to keep our kids safe.  As a mom, it just doesn't settle right with me that I can no longer protect my kids at school, that I have to willingly let them go into a setting that is less safe than it was a week ago.  Masking is most effective when everyone does it.  Now, even if my kids mask, their mask will be significantly less effective when there are more germs swirling around the room.  Protecting them is instinct, so I am having trouble accepting that I can't do it any longer--short of homeschooling which would be a disaster for all--and that society seems to think I should be okay with it.  They say COVID is not that bad and everyone's going to get it anyway.  Never mind that I've seen plenty of instances of it being life-changing for people, so I struggle with willingly submitting to that risk simply because people are tired of trying to protect others and think it infringes on their freedoms.  It's disheartening and feels like a whole new phase of concern.

4) Health - While I have not had COVID, I swear I have not felt right since I was potentially exposed a couple weeks ago.  I had low-grade headaches for days, which I swore was my body's response to being exposed.  It was the same headache as I had after my shots, plus some brain fog or just feeling "off"--not necessarily sick, just like I wanted to go lay down and not think.  All I could figure was that I had a very low exposure and my vaccine did what it was supposed to--my body knew how to fight it off before it became a full-blown infection, and that's what it did.  But since the headaches ended about a week ago, I've had weird head pressure instead.  Not pain, just a full head that sometimes feels hot inside--much like it feels when you have a fever, but my temperature was normal.  I've also felt like my heart was pumping more with mild exertion than I would expect, but maybe that's just my imagination or being really out of shape.  I'm definitely keeping an eye on it, though I dread dealing with my doctor who always insists I need to give up dairy or gluten or meat because my reflux/cholesterol/loss of smell and taste are all signs from my body that it doesn't like what I'm eating.  But given how limited my enjoyment of food can be as it is, between no taste and our household's dietary restrictions, I can't say jumping into that without evidence is really my first choice.  I worry about things because my grandma had a mild stroke when she was younger and my mom had mysterious blockages in her carotid arteries when she was around my age that apparently dissipated (cholesterol meds, maybe?) so I don't always trust what my genetics may have me in line for, even though I look relatively healthy.

5) Back to school/work - Last week was break for the kids, and I took three days off, but unfortunately I don't think we made the most of it.  The kids may be fine with it, but there was a lot of screen time happening, especially on the days that I worked.  On my days off I feel like we either just rested because it was all we could muster or tried to keep up with errands.  Monday was a beautiful day but Jacob had an appointment in the middle of it so we couldn't really do much around it.  Had I thought it through I still probably would have tried to cram in the zoo or something.  Friday was the worst because Craig and Jacob got up at 6:30 to work out, and then I had to get up at 8:30 to sit through an hour webinar on my day off (I needed it to complete a requirement.  Then I dragged myself out to shovel a fresh four inches of snow, which was exhausting.  That took longer than expected and I had to rush to get ready for my blood donation appointment, where something went wrong.  I don't know if it was a bad stick or the shoveling exertion messed with my body, because my blood was flowing so slowly that it eventually clotted off and the donation could not be completed.  They mentioned I had a super valve that was going nuts so I sort of wonder if the needle went in just after the valve and the valve slowed it down so much on the backend that it didn't work, but then I read that exercise before donating isn't recommended and maybe I dehydrated myself in the process, too, which can also cause problems.  Whatever it was, it was my first epic fail there and essentially a waste of time.  Then I came home, ate lunch and had to run out to Carter's well visit, which basically sucked up the rest of my day off.  Plus it just kept snowing all day, so it wasn't like we could go out and do anything fun, and between my busy day and sore arm and just feeling blah, I was in no mood to play in the snow.  Then I had to ban Carter from TV for Saturday because he was so addicted to it that he wasn't listening to me, and as a whole the week just felt unproductive and frustrating.  This weekend I wanted to go to the Knighthawks game on Saturday night, but then Jacob had practice scheduled from 6 to 8, which was about the worst timing possible considering the game started at 8 and we needed an early-ish bedtime to leave for a tournament the next morning.  It felt like nothing this week went as expected, and now we're all going back to school and work feeling a little unsatisfied.  Jacob is completely checked out of school because basketball is over and he knows he's changing schools in the fall.  Not that he's not doing his work, but he has a harder time getting up in the morning and motivating himself.  At least I'm home for another month, and Carter mostly likes school, but considering he slept in as late as 11am during the week, Monday morning could still be ugly.   

6) Our bizarre morning - On Sunday Jacob was scheduled to play in a tournament in Binghamton.  Of course I was excited since it meant an opportunity to see Heather and Mason (and drop off 2T clothes!), but it was going to be a bit of a challenge to get there.  Since Craig had a game the night before, we didn't really want to leave Saturday and stay in a hotel--mostly because Craig was insisting on coming and having two cars there seemed silly.  The hotels were also pretty limited and rather pricey, so I wasn't thrilled with that either.  But then the first game wasn't until 10am, so we figured we could just get up early and go, and if Craig was extra tired, I could drive.  It was a very early morning for all of us, and we got off to a rough start.  We left a few minutes late and then got a message that he needed black shorts while we were in the Dunkin' drive-thru line, which meant we needed to take the 10 minute detour back home.  Then the GPS kept telling us that parts of 390 were closed, which they weren't, and shortly after that stopped, 390 actually was closed when we got to the Geneseo exit (but of course neither the GPS or Google was seeing it there!).  We worked our way through Geneseo to the next 390 entrance, seeing the emergency vehicles nearby but not seeing what had happened.  About 15 minutes later as we hit Dansville, we got a call from one of the coaches that something went wrong with the uniforms they were supposed to wear, which meant they couldn't play at all!  So, we just turned back around and drove home.  More than two hours on the road for nothing...ugh.  On the way back, we got a better view of what happened on the highway, in the form of a blue tarp on the side of the road with a pair of feet just visible underneath.  That was a bit unsettling.  Not much has been released yet but it looks like a hit-and-run.  I can only figure that someone broke down, got out of their vehicle, and got hit while it was still dark, but there was a full four-hour span it could have happened in so who knows for sure.  That only made the trip weirder, and it was pretty surreal being back home by a little after 9am having accomplished nothing except a long drive to nowhere and a Dunkin' run.  Suffice it to say, the morning was pretty quiet after that.  It definitely felt like a let-down considering we had hopes of a full and rather interesting day.  On the bright side, Heather did have the great idea to do a Zoom call so I could see Mason toddling around and we could catch up, and we do have a tentative plan to meet up in Syracuse in four weeks, so that felt a little better.  

Everything feels heavy tonight.  My anxiety has ramped up as my feeling of control has slipped away further, and yet as I compare my situation to what's happening halfway across the world, this seems almost trivial.  But moms protecting their kids is how the world has worked since the dawn of time.  I may not be protecting mine from missile strikes (nor from a piece of cloth), but the instinct is the same and my mama heart hurts for all that's happening in the world right now, near and far.

Lots to Celebrate (and Eat!)

Well, it's been an interesting week.  And a fattening one.  It all started Saturday when we were in the suite at the Knighthawks game and had chicken fingers, soft pretzel sticks, popcorn, and cookies and brownies.  So good, and it definitely offset my workout on Saturday morning, despite it being so intense that I could barely walk normally for a solid two days.  Then on Sunday, it was the Super Bowl.  I was in a bit of a funk after hearing that I was possibly exposed to COVID, but as I mentioned, it made more sense for me to go get the food by myself, fully masked.  At least I got to see this gorgeous sunset in my rear view on the way home.  

Back at home, we ate our fill of Livingston County pizza and chicken fingers (gluten-free for Jacob, suite leftovers for the rest of us) while we watched the game.  

Monday was Valentine's Day.  The boys got candy, Craig got a card (#wifefail on my part--I guess I ran out of ideas after good birthday and Christmas gifts), and I got a new University of Rochester t-shirt and some candy.  The real gift to everyone was probably our extra fancy dinner--on a work night, no less.  I made lobster (both tails and one whole one), hasselback potatoes, breaded zucchini fries for the boys and me, corn for Craig, and the "good" gluten-free biscuits - the ones that use buttermilk and actually have real bread texture instead of a crumbly texture.  Luckily I discovered I could do it pretty easily with my Ninja food processor attachment instead of my stand mixer.  It was quite the feast!  The boys had been asking for lobster, and Aldi had a deal a few weeks ago on pairs of tails.  They also had single whole lobsters for about the same price as two tails, and I thought it might be fun to get one and show the boys what it's like to eat one.  Clearly I'm missing my lobster event I used to go to in the summer through a work client, where everyone dismantling their lobster was half of the entertainment!  I steamed all of the lobster in the Instant Pot, which seemed to work well.  

I think everyone enjoyed it a lot.  The boys were amused by the whole lobster parts and Carter liked the claw meat like me.  The tails were good and despite a little stress trying to time things out, it went relatively well considering this isn't something I cook often (or ever).  Too bad I was stuck at the far end of the table trying to keep my distance!  I masked in the house all week just in case, but didn't want us to be split up for that dinner!

Tuesday was Carter's 9th birthday.  I truly can't believe he's nine!  I think back to that day and laugh at how crazy it ended up.  From a miserable Valentine's Day where I was convinced I was going to go into labor, to a much more comfortable next morning that very quickly escalated a few hours later when my water broke at work.  Then it was the hectic process of getting out of the office, trying to go to my doctor's office (by their request), and then panicking when I got there because I could not get out of the car when fluid was leaking everywhere.  So off to the hospital we went anyway, because clearly this was happening.  Then it was another wait, a lot of pushing, and another challenging sunny-side-up delivery.  It was surreal to have another baby, but everything from there on out (after that second night in the hospital, anyway) was blissful. There have been a lot of hills and valleys along the way, but now that baby is all grown up into this big kid.

Carter needed birthday treats to take to school, but after the big dinner on Monday I was in no mood to go out and get them.  So I got up first thing in the morning (after my second night on the couch trying to keep my distance), went to Wegmans, bought cupcakes and a selection of donuts, and came back home before 7:30.  Carter was surprised by the donuts and happily picked out a sprinkle one for his birthday breakfast!
 

And of course, I had to have one, too--his birthday marks a pretty big day for me, as well!  He had a fun day at school and once we were all home and I was done with work, he got to open his presents!  I was woefully behind on buying things but made a good comeback a few days prior.

He got an Apple gift card, a mystery Treasure X Dino, a mystery Akedo guy, a mystery Lego Super Mario character (the suspense is half the fun for all of those), a full set of Akedo guys (including a rare kicking one)...

...a new Lego Super Mario set that has roller coaster track...
 

...and finally the one gift he had been talking about since before Christmas, a cool Hot Wheels set.  We had shopped in Aldi shortly before Christmas and he saw this set.  We thought it looked pretty cool, and sure enough, when I watched the video of it at home, it did look pretty neat.  I shopped around and determined it wasn't easy to get and Aldi's price was pretty good, so I took a separate trip back a day or so later and grabbed one, knowing it would likely get held for his birthday.  He kept talking about it, and we even saw it again a few weeks ago (on clearance...ugh) and he got excited about it all over again, basically begging me to get it because at that price he knew someone would definitely buy it quickly.  Well, he finally got it and was very excited about it, and it is pretty darn cool!

Here's what it looks like when it's running:

Funny story--when I bought his mystery Treasure X Dino, I really wanted to get one with the rare gold-dipped accessory.  We have had a bunch of those mystery toys over many of their brands and always got the less exciting plastic accessory (like a bug or something).  I stared down the boxes looking for something that might differentiate a "special" one from the more common ones.  After checking a few different boxes, I found one that had a different code than the rest.  Sure enough, when he opened it the other night, it had the gold piece!  It was a fun little post-birthday bonus!  Anyway, he was a happy boy!

As much as I'm sure he would have been content to sit and play all night, we still had a busy night ahead.  It was Carter's long-awaited school concert!  Normally there's a second grade concert and that never happened last year, so this year they did a combined one at one of the high schools (still split into two groups for capacity issues) and it was really nice.  He did such a great job!  Jacob was never much into stuff like this and things like hand motions during songs were always a struggle, but Carter seemed much more into it!

Proof that he can do hand motions:

Here is their school song.  When we talked to my parents on FaceTime that night, he offered to sing it for them and did such a great job!

After the concert, we went out to dinner at Red Robin, and actually ate in the restaurant for the first time in about two years.  It wasn't very busy and there was plexiglass between tables, so it didn't feel too concerning.  We stuffed ourselves as usual, and then we went home and broke into the leftover school cupcakes and some gluten-free ones I got for Jacob as we sang "Happy Birthday" to finish off the day!

Oh, and he enjoyed his selection of birthday breakfast donuts the rest of the week, and when he had the last one after dinner the other night, he insisted I take a picture!

Thankfully, after a couple more days of masking at home and sleeping on the couch, I got a negative PCR test on Thursday night (on the heels of a negative home test Thursday morning before a work event).  After lots of waiting and wondering all week, it meant we could still have Carter's party and go to a very long-awaited University of Rochester basketball game!

Two years ago we went to one and really enjoyed ourselves, and we swore we'd go back.  We couldn't make it again that year, and six weeks later the world shut down.  Last year there were no spectators.  This year we planned to go in January, but campus was shut down again around that time for elevated cases, so there were no spectators once again.  But this weekend was our last chance, and I was worried we might have to miss it if I was positive.  But we made it, and it was nice to be back.
 

Craig and I dressed for the occasion!

UR won, and of course Jacob had lots to say about the game and the players, and how he might compare.  It's always nice to be on campus, and that night was no exception...even if it was a chilly walk back to the van!

After the game I still had a really long night ahead of me.  Since we were now having the party, I had a lot of catching up to do.  Craig and I did a quick "date" to Wegmans to stock up for the party, and then it was back to bake and clean.  I will say that Craig did a really great job on Friday during his day off getting the house looking a bit more respectable.

This year's cake was probably among the least formally planned cakes yet.  I've done cakes surrounding most of Carter's interests already--soccer, Minecraft, Mario Kart--so I was trying so hard to think of something different.  He loves The Simpsons so I looked up "Simpsons cakes" on Pinterest, and most of them were donut cakes.  Many were done with fondant, so I needed to find a different route.  I did manage to find out that Hobby Lobby had their party supplies half price, which meant I could get the donut pan set for $6.  While we were there we spotted a promising cake topper for a buck, and beyond that I was going to wing it!

We thought about doing the traditional pink donut from The Simpsons, but Carter preferred chocolate frosting to pink, so we went in that direction.  Upon seeing cakes decorated with other donuts, I decided to do that, too.  Luckily I ordered donut pans back around Christmas (when I needed free Amazon shipping but didn't have $25 of products), in anticipation of trying out some pinned gluten-free donut recipes, and one of the recipes seemed easy enough.  I almost didn't get those done in time when I realized I needed to get something else in the oven, but I am so happy I did.  They really made the cake!
 

So many of the Pinterest cakes used some form of Homer Simpson, either a printout eating the cake or a fondant creation.  I could do neither of those, and despite our best efforts, we couldn't find a Lego minifigure either.  Just so the theme connection was a little clearer when I posted pictures, I had to do this one:

The donuts were pretty easy--the hardest part was probably getting the dough in the pans!  They turned out really good, too!  I did fancy chocolate frosting and sprinkles to match the cake topper on one, classic pink frosting and sprinkles to match the big donut, and a powdered sugar one.  We've made a couple more of the powdered sugar ones with the leftovers--they are so tasty and I will definitely be making them again!  

Most of the time I do one layer of yellow cake and one layer of chocolate, but since this cake needed to be uniform and needed to be yellow, I decided to make chocolate cupcakes, too.  Most of the time the chocolate is a must-have because the King Arthur chocolate mix is superior to all others, but it turns out that Wegmans now carries the King Arthur confetti cake mix, so the donut was an equally awesome confetti cake.  But I was still worried we'd miss the chocolate, and I knew we'd eat the cupcakes eventually!

  

Only the grandparents were coming because Craig's brother's family was busy with sports, and then Craig's dad wasn't feeling well, so it was down to my parents.  Even that got a little dicey and we almost postponed a couple hours earlier because there were crazy whiteouts all morning as a squall line passed through.  But then it got sunny and the Thruway was clear, and it was easier to just have it and not worry about what trainings Jacob might have on Sunday.  Hopefully we'll visit Craig's family soon so he can get his gifts.  I made some pulled pork, the family favorite broccoli rice casserole, a green salad, and Carter's beloved deviled eggs!  Once we had all digested, it was cake time!

I still can't quite process that Carter is nine.  My jaw dropped when I was looking through my cake photo album because Jacob's nine-year-old cake was his FCA cake representing his lacrosse team.  First of all, it doesn't seem like that was almost five years ago, as I vividly remember the stress of making that cake!  Second, that was our first travel lacrosse summer, and it boggles my mind to realize Carter is now the same age Jacob was when he started playing at that level.  Carter is certainly not that accomplished in his sport, soccer, although this summer playing 10U will likely be a make-or-break experience.  Carter has always seemed younger--partly because he's smaller, partly because we've babied him to some degree, and partly because Jacob has always been a bit more mature in many ways--but it's still very hard for me to reconcile.  

Now it's February break.  I'm taking a few days off with the kids and working from home the other two.  Nothing planned, but hopefully we can think of something fun to do.  We will likely have a basketball tournament in Binghamton next Sunday, so that will keep things interesting!  But by the time we get through this week, February will be almost over and March (and hopefully spring) will be on the horizon!

Nine!

Dear Carter,

As I sit here starting to type this letter, I'm in the waiting room on your last night of appointments at the behavioral health office.  I just read last year's birthday letter and it became even more apparent what a crazy, whirlwind year it has been.  A year ago we were just gearing up to get you into these appointments.  We were exhausted from a year of remote schooling and the resulting screen time overload and were at a loss on how to get you out of so many bad habits.  We were in the process of getting you evaluated and approved to see a therapist, and everything felt so hard.

A year later, so much has changed!  Last year's letter was one with barely a glimmer of hope, and this year, the sky's the limit!  We had a perfect storm that got you into that mess, and we had a perfect storm that got you back out.  Medicine helped, no doubt.  From the moment you started taking it last June, it was like you finally had a bit of quiet in your brain and realized there was more to the world than a screen.  You got better at playing with toys, you made it through a low-key round of summer school, and took all of that momentum (plus your new upgraded, long-acting medicine) into the start of the school year and absolutely rocked it.  You got a good teacher that was a perfect fit, you had your best buddy in your class, and everything just seemed to fall into place.  And suddenly, our fun kid was back and school was better than ever!  

We recently got your latest academic evaluation from school, one that was done at the beginning of the year and repeated a few weeks ago.  We found out at your fall open house that almost everyone was lagging behind their grade level, which was no surprise after the hell that was pandemic schooling for a year and a third.  With this evaluation, you were on grade level for everything!  Only 30-some percent of the school is on grade level, and you're one of them!  You have made such strides in your reading, to the point you're showing as "late third grade" right now in that program.  However, you're doing so well that you even got the special chance to read a book at school that's rated for kids a couple years older than you!  You're so proud now of getting your math homework done, which was once an epic challenge even with our constant oversight.  You're so excited about your teacher and the things you get to do at school, to the point you're the one asking me each day, "So what do you want to know about my day?"  I feel bad I don't always have a unique question to ask back beyond what special you had or what fun things you did, but I know I should be thrilled you are still willing to share since tween- and teen-hood usually ends that phase pretty solidly.  All of it is such an amazing turnaround from where you were a year ago.  

On the home front, we still have our challenges but everything is so much better.  You still much prefer a screen to anything else and I feel like we shouldn't have to push you so hard to play in the toy store that is our living room, but your attitude is so much better and I'm back to getting countless hugs and "thank yous" that had all but disappeared a year ago.  You and your brother have chilled out a bit--when you do play together there's almost always a minor injury or major injustice, but it seems like most of the battles-for-the-sake-of-battling have dissipated unless Jacob is in "a mood", so as a whole we're living a much more peaceful existence.  Not perfect, but slowly but surely better.  You're just much more cooperative and way less argumentative, and it's been a godsend.  

We really bonded over our playground sessions last year when the weather was nice, and I know you can't wait to restart that.  Our snow fun a couple weekends ago gave us a little taste of it again, and I know I need to be better about finding things like that for times when the playground isn't an option.  You thrive off that time (even if it's paired with an errand that you still don't love), and you deserve it more than just when the weather is nice!  I can't wait for more adventures with you, from these little playground trips to much bigger ones, especially when you finally hit a growth spurt and can ride every roller coaster there is!  I hate that some adventures we might have had have been put on hold by the pandemic (Disney, for one), but I think this time forced us to get creative and started us on a series of adventures we wouldn't have had otherwise, so I'm grateful for that.

As much as I would love to take credit for this turnaround and pretend it's just great parenting, I can't.  Yes, we had to be your advocate to get you on people's radar and get you some help.  But circumstances finally bent our way and all of them worked together to make it better.  School went back in session, which fixed some of the screen time issues and minimized the time you had for conflict at home.  Medicine helped school get easier to manage, and which probably enabled a great start with your teacher, which made school even better.  All of that made your day-to-day life much less agonizing, and we've all benefited from a happier kid.  You've worked so hard at school, and now you graduated all of your therapy, too!  We couldn't be any prouder of how far you've come.  

I still hope that we can fully bust through this screen addiction, because there is so much creativity buried in there that needs those non-digital outlets to emerge.  Now that we know you can read and we've seen that you can talk about something other than your games, the bar has been raised.  You're smart and capable and we want to see all of the amazing things you can do.  We need to help you with this next stage of maturity, and I hope we finally get a break from this pandemic so we can work up the energy to see it through.

Still, I can't believe you're nine!  My once-little baby is really getting to be a big kid.  I didn't think the tween years would get here so quickly, and I know from experience now that adolescence will be here before we know it and I am definitely not ready for that.  I'm still adjusting to one teenager, so I'm glad we have four years before there are two!  But this is almost too close for comfort!  Your babyhood really seems like a lifetime away now, though I'm happy we've gotten a glimpse back to the happy-go-lucky little boy you were up until a couple years ago.  You were so happy for so long, and then your default emotion became annoyance for a while, which was so hard to see.  But now that happiness is back, even if we do need to deal with the tween moodiness at times.  

I just can't get over how this year finally turned things around in such a big way, and I'm so thankful for it.  You saved me as a parent for so long when Jacob was endlessly difficult, and then it got to a point where he was almost the easy one--but he hadn't actually gotten much easier; you just got significantly harder.  But now things feel so much more manageable and functional, and while I know medicine and circumstances were huge pieces of that, I know you have worked hard to get back to the sweet kid you once were.  There is so much to celebrate this year in particular, and I can't wait to do just that.  We love you so much and are so proud of how far you've come.  Happy 9th Birthday, Carter!

Love,
Mom

Perfect...Almost.

Last night was our first time back at a Knighthawks game in almost two years.  I think the last time we went was February 29, 2020.  That night we were in a suite with Craig's parents for military night and saw a crazy win after the other team made a frantic last-few-minutes comeback.  We weren't able to go to the first couple home games this year, so last night was our first chance--and again, we were in a suite with Craig's parents for military night, and the Knighthawks survived another crazy ending to win.  

It was strange being back in the arena after that long, because I'm pretty sure I've never been away for that long over the last 22 years, and the arena I came back to was a little different than the one I left.  Over the past couple years, they remodeled the rest rooms, added a giant sit-down eating area adjacent to a concession stand, built the Knighthawks their own locker room, and completely renovated the offices.  It was a bit surreal seeing those changes, not to mention a bunch of little things like plexiglass dividers and hands-free ticket scanners.  But it was good to be back.

The first person we saw was an usher/elevator operator that's been there forever, and when he realized who I was (despite the mask) and looked at my kids (both of whom he remembers me bringing through there as babies), he was shocked!  The same thing happened when we got up to the suite and I was standing in the suite opening with Jacob near me and the building workers in the next door production booth saw me and waved.  The one pointed to Jacob and motioned like, "What happened?!"  Yeah, tell me about it.  I question daily how my first baby is now taller than me.  After settling in with Craig's parents, getting some food, and watching part of the game, I ventured out into the arena to catch up with some people.

I stopped at the booster club table and said hi to the couple who runs it (whose engagement I helped with when I worked there).  Then I saw another member on my way back upstairs.  I stopped in the booth and said hi to the building workers, the music guy, and the PA announcer, whose voice I was shocked to hear in the arena since he hasn't done Knighthawks games in years.  I hadn't seen him in person since long before the pandemic, so it was wonderful to catch up.  Then I realized Craig's boss' wife and kids were in the suite next to us, so I said hi to her and then eventually him, too.  After the game I saw a few of the coaching and management staff that I know from way back.  I truly loved seeing everyone.  It was one of those nights where you realize you almost forgot how nice it is to connect with people.  And I guess I was feeling comfortable, or at the very least nervous that people wouldn't recognize me because my hair is at least six inches longer than it was two years ago, because I uncharacteristically pulled down my mask to talk to people.  Based on what I knew (essentially that everyone was there despite the vaccine mandate only being dropped a couple days ago, meaning they likely met that criteria anyway), I figured everyone was vaccinated and cases locally are down significantly--probably only a few thousand active cases in the county currently--so what were the odds?

Well, as it turns out, much better than anticipated.  This morning after church I got a message from the wife of the booster club couple.  Her husband tested positive this morning.  He seemed fine last night, and I'm guessing he wouldn't have been there if he had any inkling, but apparently he woke up this morning feeling like garbage.  So, clearly I now feel like a complete idiot for not replacing my mask for those conversations once I was identified.  I mean, I only talked to him for about five minutes and we were in a nice, wide open area.  The production booth was a little tighter, but I only talked to four people and others in there were masked, so the odds seemed small and I was just so happy to see people that I guess I got a little ahead of myself.  It kills me because we've tried to be so careful.  Some people can take risk after risk and be fine, and yet I take one and BOOM--exposed.    

I've spent the rest of the day today masked and now I'm on symptom watch.  I've had a dull headache for most of the day, which is concerningly reminiscent of my post-vaccine symptoms, but it could be psychosomatic and I also don't drink water as well on weekends unless I work out, and after a lot of salty snacks last night, it wouldn't surprise me if it was a dehydration headache because I get those periodically on Sundays since Saturday is usually my workout day.  Or, if I'm lucky, maybe my body is successfully fighting off a very small viral load like it learned to do via the vaccine and the headache is the result.  I can hope, right?  I'll do a rapid test tomorrow and hopefully schedule a PCR the day after if needed.

On one hand, the timing for this is terrible.  Valentine's Day (with a fancy dinner I'm making) is tomorrow, and Carter's birthday and his long-awaited choral concert are Tuesday.  His party is supposed to be next weekend, which I could probably still do based on current isolation rules but likely wouldn't risk.  I have half a dozen Zoom meetings this week, and don't want to reschedule them with break next week, so being under the weather wouldn't be ideal.  On the other hand, Craig has an off-weekend coming up, Jacob is done with basketball, I'm still fully remote for work, and school break is next week, so a lot of that could definitely be worse.  Regardless, I'll keep masking and sleep in the basement for now.

On my way to get Super Bowl food from our favorite gluten-free place tonight (about an hour round-trip--we figured it was safer for me to go, masked, than for us to go together or for a very tired Craig to make the drive), I prayed about it and basically asked God to work it out.  Only He knows if this variant is easier than what's to come, or if holding out longer means it will continue to evolve to be less impactful or more treatment options will be available.  Only He knows if this week's timing is better than another week's timing.  So I asked for the smoothest, least disruptive and least dangerous path, and I guess we'll see.  

Even though the odds are that it would be mild for all of us with our vaccination status and general decent health, I still worry, and that's why we've continued to be so careful.  I don't want Long COVID for any of us, and you never really know when something will go wacky.  My grandma once had a mild stroke and my mom once had unexplained narrowing of her carotid arteries, so who knows if I might be at risk of random clotting from a virus that likes to do that.  It is such a wild card and I can guarantee that half the people who ended up hospitalized (particularly the unvaccinated ones) never thought they'd be at risk.  I take nothing for granted.  

And again, this is all while the eventual end of in-school masking mandates is coming sooner than we'd like.  The lack of a mandate inside buildings and businesses (it ended this week) doesn't bother me that much--although now I wish the arena would have still had theirs so there was no question in my mind what to do, since it admittedly sucked to be one of the few wearing one.  But most of the time you're just walking past people for a minute or five and are unlikely to catch something unless you walk through their sneeze or stop to chat.  That is vastly different than 20 students sitting in the same room for six hours with a teacher who is likely more at risk, or sitting at lunch for a half hour with elderly lunch ladies nearby.  When kids down south didn't wear masks, schools closed.  Transmission is down significantly here, but you can bet there will still be quarantined classes and closed schools again.  I'm sure there will be a spike from Super Bowl parties and probably again from February break activities, so I think this particular lull will be short-lived.  This whole experience proves yet again just how easy it is for there to be a case you're not expecting, and people will get burned by that.  And who knows who those kids will take cases home to--immune-compromised parents, elderly grandparents, and siblings who could asymptomatically pass it along to others in their classes.  It still seems premature to me, but the unmasking demands are getting louder, and people like us have likely given up because we know the end is near and these people don't listen to reason anyway.  Our kids will still be masked but it won't make much of a difference if kids are freely spewing aerosols nearby.

So, what was supposed to be a fun start to the week has potentially taken a rough turn.  Last night was so great, and apparently, in true COVID fashion, it actually was too good to be true.  Lesson learned--again--but will it be learned the hard way this time?

Photos and videos and SNOW, Oh My!

I knew there were a few photos and videos that got sort of squeezed out lately based on what I was writing about at the time, so I figured it was time for a catch-up post.  And then I realized I hadn't pulled photos off my phone since Christmas, so I knew it was definitely needed!  January's usually a slow photo month, and this one was no exception, so I guess the motivation to pull off a handful of pics wasn't there until I took a bunch this weekend.  So, let's enjoy what we can until things pick up a bit more, shall we?

I took this picture near our town hall right after Christmas.  It was snowing like crazy and I had to drop books off at the library.  I looked across the huge parking lot and could see this tree lit up so pretty in the snow.  I just couldn't resist.  I chalked it up to savoring the last bit of Christmas while I could.

One of Carter's gifts was a marble run, and figuring out how to set up the "expert" run in the instruction book was a challenge!  Eventually we figured it out, and had to document it on video!

As a whole, January was a blur of basketball and snow.  The MLK Day storm was annoying but well-timed to avoid having to deal with work and school in the middle of the mess.  The kids still wanted a snow day, of course!  Craig took this picture of Carter, who loves being in the snow!

One of the first decent days after that storm I went out to widen the driveway and get rid of the icebergs formed by our tire tracks and the sidewalk plow.  While I shoveled, Carter was creating his own sledding hill.

 The snow and cold over the last month have not been particularly kind to us.  One day our kitchen window cracked (and it continues to lengthen--working on a replacement), and a week later we noticed this giant crack on our backboard.  We're not sure what caused it--it's an acrylic backboard, not glass--but we're pretty annoyed.  It's not that old and should be able to stand up to the weather.  I am not savoring the prospect of more hoop assembly, whether it's a new backboard or an entirely new hoop.  This one's initial assembly and then the subsequent wind damage repair were traumatizing enough.

Jacob has been dealing with the ridiculousness of modified basketball all month.  He might finally be quitting because he's essentially alone on the team now that a couple of his buddies got pulled up to JV.  He did, too, but can't play because of the reclassifying issue, and the team is now so bad that he scored 22 of the team's 27 points in a 72-27 loss last week against a team they barely lost to a couple weeks ago.  It was rough, and I promise he tried to get his teammates involved, but there just wasn't much finishing happening.  Here was a three-pointer he scored in another game before everything went down the tubes:

 

As I mentioned in my last post, this past weekend had one bright spot.  Despite it being in the teens on Saturday, Carter and I decided to go over to his school around the corner.  He had been talking about wanting me to see the "wall", which was a giant pile of plowed snow, and I figured while we were there we might be able to find somewhere to sled.  Sure enough, we wandered over to a hill near the playground, and figured it might suffice.  Well, unfortunately, the fresh foot of snow from Thursday and Friday was rather soft, so the sleds were just sinking right in.  We just kept trying, though, working through our respective runs by going down over and over again, and trying to move the paths a little further and compressing the snow more with each run. I definitely got my exercise walking up and down.

We started making progress...

And eventually we got the hills in pretty good shape so it was time for some videos!  First up is my run, which was actually pretty fun!

Carter's was a little shorter but ended up with some curves!  He tried this run but the start was giving him trouble...

Then he wanted to try it backwards instead!

We had a blast but it was so cold!  Not only were our faces cold, but our gloves were getting pretty snow-covered, and since Carter's weren't waterproof (working on it--he lost one of his old ones), his gloves were literally freezing--the fingers were frozen shut!--so it was time to go after maybe an hour.  He was very proud of our runs, though, and gladly showed them off to his friends when they had outside time on Monday!

When we got back to the house, I wanted to do some cleanup on the driveway and ended up wandering around the yard.  We are really snowed in.  Snow is up past my knees, the shovel piles are as tall as me, and the icicles were getting big.  Luckily on Sunday, between roof raking, knocking them down, and really warm weather (a balmy 40--haha), we made some progress.  But the snow was crazy.

Looking from the top of the tallest pile across to the mailboxes, which are barely above the snow.  After a couple days above freezing I think the snow has gone down an inch or three now.

Also at the top of the pile, my eye level was even with the gutters!  So much snow!

The backyard is sort of laughable.  Check out the patio chairs in the back, and the Dali-esque snow coming off the table is thanks to snow that melted and slid prior to the latest round.

Saturday night there was a lovely sunset--layered sherbet colored skies.  I will say the bright skies lately have been nice (although quite blinding), but I'm still eager for spring! 

In other news, I think I've decided that my funk is in part driven by a lack of things to look forward to.  We have Carter's birthday next week but I am terribly unprepared right now so that is actually only causing me more stress.  But without a set schedule for travel basketball (aside from one game, apparently?) and not much in the way of family or other events between now and like, Easter, things are feeling pretty blah.  Craig's schedule doesn't allow for a lot of big plans in the meantime anyway, so I'm feeling a little trapped by snow and cold and weeks of nothingness...as if COVID challenges weren't limiting enough.  I'd love to go tubing or something, and hopefully have more excuses to see family, but I know this time of year can be a challenge once we get past Carter's birthday and there isn't much in view past that.  Easter itself is really late this year, too, so it's going to be quite a stretch.  Maybe I can use the time to be productive on the home front, but we shall see!

Battles

This week has felt like a string of endless battles - against time, work, house mess, the weather, and my own body.

Last Sunday I came down with a cold.  Craig had been sick for a week and tested for COVID countless times (mostly for work--including one PCR), and the odds of it being anything other than his cold were slim, so I never bothered testing.  It was a pretty standard cold--lots of sinus congestion involving almost constant nose-blowing for the first few days, and just enough of a tickle in my throat to have a dry-cough hacking episode a couple times a day.  I was maybe slightly more tired than usual but not enough that I couldn't function.  I was so busy with work that a sick day wasn't a possibility, especially since I work from home full time right now.  I turned the corner around midweek and now it's just some thick mucus hanging out somewhere between my sinuses and throat.  Sometimes I can get a solid blow gives relief for a few hours, but sometimes I feel like it's choking me a bit and I need to cough to loosen it up.  Not ideal but better than expected a week out, if I'm being honest.  Though maybe my perception is skewed after my two-month sinus infection a couple years ago.  I'll assume zinc, Nyquil-assisted sleep, and Airborne helped things along.

As I said, work has been crazy.  It's always busy, but since we lost a couple team members and my boss and I both got promoted as a result, things have been non-stop ridiculous.  Data, deadlines, endless projects...it's been a lot.  And now that I finally got promoted 6-1/2 years later, I don't want to mess it up.  But it's getting hard to keep up, though at least my boss is in the same boat and knows it's not just me.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to take off time when the boys are off in a couple weeks, but working through this week despite illness and the boys being off one day (more on that in a second) will hopefully help.

On top of getting a foot of snow a couple weeks ago, we got hammered again late in the week.  I finally cleared the driveway of every bit of snow from the last round and on Wednesday night it started raining, which turned into snow.  It snowed lightly overnight and continued all day, getting much worse Thursday evening.  By that night we had about six inches, then it snowed all night adding another three.  The boys had a snow day Friday as a result (I think the districts had concerns about everyone getting dug out in time for buses to pass safely), and then it snowed all day Friday but it only added another couple inches.  Still, another foot was about the last thing we needed.  Shoveling was hard, especially with a cold.  I may be able to be convinced to get a snow blower after this, especially if these nor'easters become more regular.  

As if all of that wasn't fun enough, Friday night I was preparing a smoothie in our new Ninja as part of breakfast for dinner, and while messing with a banana in the pitcher, I sliced my left ring finger rather deeply with the blade.  It took a while to stop the bleeding, probably a half hour in between trying to finish making dinner when I couldn't put good pressure on it.  Craig was on his way to Buffalo for a Knighthawks game the next night, and waited around to see if I needed an escort to urgent care for stitches.  Luckily it slowed down and he was able to leave, but I was pretty nervous initially.  Thankfully the blade is super sharp so it was a super clean cut and it seems to be healing well, but it did not help me feel very functional on Saturday when I had planned to clean.  

Turns out a sliced finger is not conducive to cleaning up a messy house that took an extra hit while I was sick all week.  I put off a lot and having kids home for an extra day didn't help matters.  I'm really struggling with housework two years into the pandemic--I feel like the house is just getting beaten up and everywhere I look there's pockets of filth--crumbs in every corner of the kitchen no matter how much I wipe up, dust in every corner of the house no matter how much I vacuum, sludge and debris in every corner of the bathroom that seems to have no clear cause.  I feel like we probably need our vents cleaned or something, but it's so frustrating that it all falls on me and I don't feel like spending all my free time on weekends doing it.  I just can't catch up.  And by the time I do it and then get up the energy to do it again, whatever I cleaned is gross again.  God forbid we ever have to sell this house because I'm going to need some major outside assistance from a professional.  We're hoping to celebrate Carter's birthday in a couple weeks with the grandparents and I have no idea how this house is going to get presentable.

Speaking of Carter's birthday, it's in two weeks and I have one gift bought.  I know some of what he wants but we're back to him not wanting to do much except sit in front of screens so I'm torn about all of it.  Also, he's been sleeping in our room (on a separate mattress) because of the bedwetting alarm, so Craig and I have even less of a chance to talk privately about anything, and suddenly we're running out of time.  As a side note, the bedwetting alarm has been oddly successful, but I think it's more because it's vaguely uncomfortable and combined with sleeping on a different bed, he's been prevented from sleeping deeply enough to have an issue.  It went off the first night and we managed to handle it well, but it hasn't needed to go off since.  So we're sending him back to his room tonight and we'll see how it goes.  

On top of everything else, I'm reaching a new level of frustration with the pandemic.  It's hard to describe but it feels like a losing battle on multiple fronts.  Cases are down considerably so a lot of people are fighting hard to have restrictions discontinued.  It doesn't help that a ton of people have had it courtesy of the omicron variant that caused more cases in three months than we had in something like the first year, so all those people feel invincible even though a new variant could easily infect them down the road.  It could mean the imminent end of masks in public, and possibly in schools.  So many people are fighting the vaccines, fighting masks, and hating the President, and I think we're getting to the point where they may win.  Many people are starting to agree we need to learn to live with this, but I'm not comfortable with that just yet--maybe infection is inevitable, but I still hesitate to risk having complications let alone Long COVID, which they still don't have a treatment for.  I don't need anything like fatigue or brain fog making life our lives any harder.  I don't need my kids, especially Jacob, exposed to heart inflammation.  I still don't think it's living in fear--I believe in taking precautions much like I would have if I knew the flu was heavily circulating, had masks and other protections been normalized prior to this.  The problem with all of this is it still works better when everyone cooperates--mutual masking, distancing, etc.--and most people are just done.  So no matter how much I try to do, it may not be enough when everyone else isn't on board.  It's a helpless position, made odder because my employer is getting even stricter--boosters mandated and cloth masks banned (unless double masked with a surgical mask).  I'm just exhausted by the arguing and the contrasting opinions on precautions. It's hard to watch much of the rest of the country live like things are normal, whether or not they should.  I'm mad at my church because they stopped mandating masks in the church (despite the state mandate still being in place), and it just adds to the disconnect I've been feeling for a while--at least since Christians started defending Trump and insisting their liberties are more important than the greater good--all of which is in direct contrast to literally everything we're taught as Christians.  I'm just so confused how it all happened and how I'm in such a minority.  

I'm reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle right now.  I've heard it was a great book, though it made me nervous to read a book by a former Christian writer who is now married to a woman (granted, that woman is Rochester hometown hero Abby Wambach) and whose faith clearly had to morph a bit to make that acceptable.  There's definitely some funky theology in there--things about God being a woman and listening to your inner self to the exclusion of God's word.  I personally would rather assume that God's word is pretty solid--we have to base our faith on something--though maybe some of the Bible builders were flawed humans (yes, scripture is inspired by God but there have been plenty of good humans inspired by God who screwed up) and that would explain some of the contradictions, and maybe some other stuff we're just interpreting too simply.  Regardless, I try to set aside what I can't explain, chalk it up to faith, and err on the side of loving people first.  That may be in contradiction to what a lot of churches teach (i.e., abortion and gayness being foundational sins more horrible than all others) and the book gets into why that's an issue, but I feel like my theology is somewhere in the middle.  Even still, it makes some good points about trying to live your best life, which I want to take to heart, but it probably hasn't helped my disconnect because it digs into a lot of the reasons I feel like it's extra hard being a Christian right now and I don't know how to fix it.  It's not so much my faith as much as my practice, but it's hard to have one in tip-top shape without the other.

It all just sort of culminated today in a lack of motivation and general exhaustion.  Tiredness from working through a cold all week, exhaustion from the screen time battle with Carter, frustration with the cleaning battle, annoyance that my workout momentum has been interrupted, and many other things--it all swamped me today and all I could muster was Valentine's decorating and spot cleaning.  I did have one bright spot of the weekend that I'll share in the next post, but otherwise it's been a struggle.  It probably doesn't help that my parents have been on a cruise all week and enough other vacationers or southern dwellers in my social media are living life in spring mode (and generally unmasked to boot), while I feel literally snowbound and like I'm the only one left who cares about keeping my family safe.  On top of not having a real vacation in many years at this point (not sure the Jersey Shore really counts due to all the drama we had), it's getting harder to not feel like I'm missing out on living my life to the fullest.  The "same old, same old" has been more monotonous over the past two years than it ever was before (and it felt like it enough then), and I think not only do I need a complete change of scenery for a while, but I'd also like a little undistracted time alone with my husband, which has been in extra short supply over these two years as well.  I have a feeling that getting into the pre-pandemic "last" memories again over these next six weeks will only deepen the longing for normal life.  If you could guarantee we could get COVID and get through it with no lasting effects, sure--it might be worth it to get back to a less fearful life.  But there are no guarantees with COVID.  It is, by nature, oddly unpredictable.  

So here we sit in this weird limbo, caught between a natural instinct to protect ourselves and our family and a world that's increasingly over it.  I don't know what our breaking point is--or maybe it'll be a plain old turning point--but either way it feels strangely imminent.  Maybe that's just an instinct that we can't go on like this much longer, one way or another, but I hope we figure out some relief before it gets to that point.  We're okay--we're so much better than we have been in many respects and are so blessed in so many ways.  But this is still hard.  I'm not good at decisions on a normal day, and so much about pandemic life feels like life-or-death (or at least, loss of quality of life) decisions, not just on a daily basis, but often multiple times a day.  That's not how I'm built and these two years have challenged every bit of that.  I'm tired.  Lots of people are tired.  We can barely put on our own oxygen mask or help others with theirs, let alone fly the plane.  Basic functionality can be hard enough, and attending to other life stuff only happens when that need for control I posted about a couple weeks ago overtakes the exhaustion.  And even then, there's a reason my kitchen is still not remodeled and I don't know why our water pipes thump when the toilet flushes.  But some windows are on their way to getting redone, but probably only because the cracked one made that the "squeaky wheel".  One day, one thing at a time.

I never really thought about how there's a fine line between monotony and consistency.  They both indicate a sort of ever-presence, but while consistency's presence is reassuring, monotony's is annoying to the point of torture.  The unique brand of stress that the last two years has created is a monotonous hell most of the time.  But I've consistently said "one day at a time" because it's all we can do to get through this.  As the Bible says, "Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Most of us wouldn't have survived mentally had we known from the get-go that we'd still be living like this two years later.  But we've slowly adjusted because we built up our defenses one day at a time.  Only now I'm not sure how we will break down that wall once this is finally over.  It took years to build, so it might take years to dismantle.  All of this is such a process, and years from now we'll marvel at it, assuming the PTSD lets us think about it at all.  

Today wasn't great.  But hopefully tomorrow is a better day.  All we can do is hope.  

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times - Sports Edition

Last Sunday the Buffalo Bills played in their second playoff game of the year.  It was a bit of a crazy game, with the Bills taking an early lead and then falling behind for a good portion of the game.  The end was absolutely insane, with the Bills taking a lead, losing it, and taking it again.  There were 25 points scored between the two teams in the last two minutes alone.  When the Bills scored to take the lead with 13 seconds left, it seemed like they might have secured the victory at last, but this is Buffalo, and that's just not how things tend to work out.  Kansas City managed to tie the game with a long field goal as time expired, and then won the coin toss to start overtime.  Due to the stupidity of the NFL overtime rules, scoring a touchdown immediately ends the game, with no chance to tie it, and that's exactly how it ended.  The Bills couldn't stop Kansas City yet again, and that was it.  Season over.

I can't express just how heartbreaking it is.  It's four days later and I'm still really sad.  The day after felt like the day after the four lost Super Bowls back in the 90s.  To have victory be that close, with a team that has had absolutely incredible moments this season, losing just felt worse than usual.  Yes, they should have done better.  They should have been able to stop Kansas City on one drive or another and didn't.  But losing in essence because they lost the coin toss in overtime was just the icing on the cake.  They didn't even have full control of their own fate since only half the team got a chance to take the field, and after a game like that, it was just a terrible way to lose.  

The thing is, when you're from Buffalo, you're used to iconic losses.  As Craig's cousin's husband said on Facebook, just when you think Buffalo has found the most twisted, awful way to lose a big game, they find another one that's even worse.  The four lost Super Bowls, including "Wide Right", the Music City Miracle when the Bills lost on a last second play that included an illegal forward pass, and the Sabres' No Goal in the Stanley Cup Finals were among the worst.  There are other awful things that added to the futility, like being stuck in the same division as Tom Brady for about two decades, or the year the Sabres went to Game 7 in the Conference Finals only to have their best defenseman get a random staph infection (while many others were also injured) and have another defenseman accidentally shoot the puck over the glass and draw a penalty, which all contributed to their defeat in a year where they would have played the 8th seed for the Cup.  There have been countless personnel issues that contributed to both teams struggling for the better part of the 2000s, and the Bills have finally been that breath of fresh air we've wanted for so long.  But to lose this way, with 13 seconds left, is pure torture.  Ironically, much like that one Sabres' season, all of the other lower seeds won their football games (and Tom Brady got eliminated), which basically left the Super Bowl field wide open.  And now the Bills won't have a shot at it.  

Yes, we have an amazing quarterback that should serve us well for years to come, so there's a lot to be hopeful for.  He's talented and dedicated and fits so well in Buffalo.  He's got a great group around him, too, and I think the vast majority of his teammates love him and want to win for him.  The love affair between the city and players is as good as I've seen it since the 90s.  But I think I'm so jaded by past experience that I worry the magic will just disappear.  Team chemistry is such a weird thing, and a team that can be amazing one year sometimes just isn't the next.  At the tail end of the Sabres' last great run, they bungled two free agents and the team hasn't been the same since.  The Bills could lose their offensive and/or defensive coordinators, as they are both interviewing (and after this debacle some could wonder if that's a good thing), but what if something just doesn't work next year with their replacements?  Or what if--God forbid--Josh Allen gets hurt?  That could change everything again.   When everything is clicking on all levels and you get this far, seeing it all go away just stings because there's no guarantee it will happen again.  The Sabres stayed good for about seven seasons after they went to the finals, but never made it back, and the only other Sabres team that made it to the finals back in the 70s was much the same--lots of good years but no additional finals appearances.  We saw the Bills go to four Super Bowls with an amazing core of players, and as good as they were, they never won either.  The current team played a near-perfect game the prior week, and they couldn't do it despite countless heroics and even record-breaking performances.  So what more needs to happen?  What does it take to be the best, and why on earth is Buffalo incapable of doing so...ever?  It's absolutely gutting.

On the heels of that, we ended up having a pretty awesome sports night on Tuesday.  Jacob's school basketball saga has continued to have twists and turns since the 8th graders were sent down to the modified team in early December.  They didn't play any games until a couple weeks ago, and Jacob was frustrated by the level of talent on the team as he went through practices.  There's him and two of his buddies who are good, one kid who thinks he's good and can get some points but ends up being more of a liability, a few kids who might be decent on a CYO team, and a few kids that are lucky to be playing at all.  The first game was a bit of a debacle on both sides, with some kids who didn't even know where to line up for a foul shot.  Jacob played sparingly because they were significantly better than the other team, but put up a good showing for the time he got, so much so that the JV coach said he should have kept him on the team (seriously?!).  Shortly after, Jacob and the other two were called back up to JV.  However...in the time since the modified thing happened, we've gotten deeper into the debate of whether to change schools and reclassify.  Originally Jacob was content to sit out next year (as you have to when you switch schools while playing at the JV or Varsity level), but when he ended up not being on JV, he settled into the idea of being able to play next year after all.  If things go well he might even be able to make Varsity.  Well...then the call-up came, but we deemed it not worth giving up next year's eligibility for barely half a season and probably limited playing time at that.  We've had a few games in the meantime and Jacob has played really well.  It helped that the one kid who overestimates his abilities broke his hand, because that has made it much easier for Jacob to play his preferred position and get more time, and he's proved he is the best player on the team.  To see him finally get to show what he's capable of has been amazing.  He just sees the floor so well, and even when his shooting isn't perfectly on target, he's making plays and getting assists.  He got 14 points last Friday playing against a team of kids he may run into next year, since it was a combo team of his top choice school and another local Christian school.  Then came Tuesday.  They played at another local parochial school and he started a bit slow.  Well, he scored two points right off the initial jump ball and then took a while to get his next two, but didn't play the entire second quarter.  But in the third, he was on fire!  He scored 14 points in that quarter alone, including a buzzer beater almost from half court at the end of the quarter.  It was amazing.  He got put back in at the end of the game, partly because they were losing their lead and partly because the team was asking the coach since he was so close to 20, and sure enough, he got two more points to hit 20 for the game, the first time he's hit that level.  It was really fun to watch.  Tonight's game was much the same, with him scoring 19.  I had to miss it to be with Carter, but it's great to know he continues to do well.

The struggle with him has long been that we've seen his potential and he talks a big game, but circumstances constantly seemed to stack up against him--bad coaches, stuck in the wrong position, greedy teammates, losing out to the coach's kid, an off-day at the wrong time, having to hold back against lesser competition, you name it.  He would always talk about getting 20 points (or more) and would always end up with 4 or 6 or 10 instead.  We knew he was capable of more, but he just never seemed to catch a break.  Tuesday and Thursday (and to some degree the game before), he was finally unleashed with full support of his teammates, and he did amazing.  He's averaging 18 points in the last three games.  You can see his comfort and confidence, and how well he sees the floor.  He's a couple steps ahead of everyone.  He used to avoid driving up the middle at all costs and now has the moves to pull it off.  It's been such a bright spot, although it may all come to a crashing halt if his two friends officially start playing JV and he loses his support system.  But at least we know it's possible and it gives me hope heading toward whatever next year may bring.

Speaking of next year, we'll likely start moving forward on that as soon as next week when the application process opens.  His school doesn't really know we're leaving yet, aside from having to explain to the JV coach why he doesn't want to play now.  I'm personally not super comfortable with the new school for a few reasons, but that's just me.  It's smaller, whiter, and as a whole more conservative.  As we were sitting at the basketball game against their shared modified team last week, I looked over and saw numerous maskless white parents, and it was pretty clear who they were cheering for.  I was extra annoyed since the signs are pretty clear and it wasn't like it was their school.  It's a bit ballsy to walk into someone else's space and carry on your maskless protest.  It just rubbed me the wrong way.  I found out later that one of their varsity games back in December was mostly maskless and ended up being a superspreader, so that doesn't give me a lot of comfort.  When we were on our tour they insisted they follow the state rules, but we saw a couple maskless kids in classrooms and a whole slew of kids in the cafeteria (not at lunch time) without them, so I'm not jazzed about that.  Hopefully it will be less of a concern by September, but still.  

Academically I'm sure the school is fine, but with its smaller size there are less offerings.  I talked to a friend of mine from college whose son goes there and plays basketball there (hence where I heard the superspreader story), and he loves it, but he's used to a small Christian school from Kindergarten on up.  I guess their language program is all online with Rosetta Stone, and while there are AP classes, she said that when her son didn't get into honors track classes because of scheduling conflicts, he wasn't as challenged.  I also just found a stat online that only 41% of students go on to a four-year school, compared to 92% at Jacob's current school.  I definitely don't love that stat.  Of course, if this doesn't work out, there's always the charter school option.  The prospective one that Craig is on the board of is opening in 2023 and because it would be more like a prep school for sports, we think he wouldn't have to sit a year.  But we'll see.  I worry about academics for a brand-new school too, and wonder how colleges would rate it.  The funny thing is a lot of his former teammates and fellow training buddies are in the midst of similar transitions--reclassifying, changing schools--and some are probably going to the school he's leaving.  There are lots of reasons on all sides to stay or go--academically, athletically, and practically.  The possible new school is closer and slightly cheaper, and also has a more tolerable uniform policy.  But is that enough?  Jacob likes being in a diverse setting--it's all he's ever known--and given that he didn't feel he fit in among the homogeneity or more conservative leanings of the kids in our church youth group last year, I wonder if the diversity on the basketball team will be enough to get him through the rest of the year, especially because I bet he will have less opportunity for intermingling there than his current school, which purposely mixes kids through their house setup.  The academics will also be entirely different--same subjects every day as opposed to an alternating schedule--which means more subjects of homework daily and likely far less time to get it done at school since his current setup includes significant unstructured time.  He's using that change as a reason he should reclassify, since he'll need time to get used to that before grades count for real, but I still worry there will be things that will bore him as he repeats 8th grade.  There's still a few things that need to happen before the reclassification can move forward, but I know the boys are eager.  I personally wish there was another way.

Otherwise, I'm mostly just getting frustrated because a state judge ruled the mask mandate was unconstitutional and it's empowering all these people that didn't want to mask as it was.  In the meantime, I'll apparently have to mask even better for work, since the University wants surgical or N95s everywhere.  I'm as sick of it as anyone else, but I also don't feel like getting omicron and risking complications.  Opinions are more divergent than ever, and it's simply exhausting trying to be a good person and yet seeing other people just not care, particularly when most are supposed to share your faith.

I'm tired.