Yesterday I took a few minutes to scroll through the blog posts from the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. It blows my mind that it was a year ago already. One year ago today I took a day off of work to be home as Carter's room got painted a lovely little boy blue. I folded baby clothes and rested on the couch, trying to relieve the crazy discomfort I was experiencing. I put up the pack and play, and it seemed so early at the time...but it turns out I was only a little more than 10 days away from having a baby to put in it!
It was really apparent to me how debilitating it was to be as uncomfortable as I was. It was scary to even walk from my office to my car, or to go to Wegmans. I was seriously worried about my water breaking. Turns out, I guess, that all that worrying wasn't for naught, as I did end up having that very thing happen while sitting at my desk, three weeks ahead of schedule. I spent a good month walking on eggshells prior, and I guess I could just tell that things were brewing up a little quicker than we'd have anticipated.
The flurry of preparations those last couple weeks were crazy, but I had forgotten about a few of the biggest concerns of those final weeks until I read the posts. I had forgotten that a) Jacob had a stomach bug; b) Craig was out of town twice the weekend before I delivered; c) we had a major snowstorm; and d) those things all happened pretty much simultaneously. Jacob got a stomach bug the night before Craig was on his way out of town. That same day we got a foot of snow. I was nervous enough about Craig being gone, let alone catching Jacob's illness and how we were going to get out of the house when I couldn't shovel snow! The thought of going into labor in the midst of that scared me to death. It's a wonder I didn't go into labor from the stress of it alone!
In the end it all worked out. Jacob recovered quickly. Craig's trip to Philly was a little harrowing but he got back at 3am. He left later that day for Buffalo, but I figured having him that close was much safer than Philly. The snow was bad but with Jacob sick we really didn't have to go anywhere, and the neighbor helped out a bit with clearing it. I remember being so relieved when we made it through that weekend, but the following week was very had for me physically, culminating in a Valentine's Day where I was so uncomfortable that I could barely sit through Jacob's soccer practice and our oh-so-romantic family dinner at Friendly's. I felt better the next morning and got a ton of work done...until I felt a little something funny, took a couple trips to the ladies' room, and realized things were happening.
One of the other things that stood out to me from those last couple weeks of posts was our ongoing concern of how Jacob would adjust. Turns out those concerns were valid...and then some. Here we are a year later, and he still doesn't accept that Carter is here to stay. He doesn't like him, doesn't want to be touched by him, and is generally just angry with him. Sometimes I wonder what we could have done better to transition him, but I have no idea how we could have truly made it any easier for him. He had us to himself for over four years, so there's no way this new little person wouldn't have rocked the boat a lot. Add in the fact that Jacob's not your typical "wanting to be helpful" kid most of the time, and there's not a lot of options for us to involve him that he'd be up for. It's a challenge, for sure. It kills me that the one thing that saved me from utter despair when I found out Carter was a boy was that Jacob would have a brother...and now he doesn't appreciate it one bit. Maybe someday, but we've been saying that for months and it hasn't gotten any better. In fact, it's gotten worse--he went from ignoring him to actively hating him.
This year has flown by faster than any year in my life. It has also been the worst year of my life with the exception of the ridiculously happy baby that brings dozens of smiles to my day. We've just had one challenge after another, Carter included. In his short life we've had to deal with his milk protein intolerance (and having to stop breastfeeding) and the rice intolerance, along with his reflux and chronic congestion. But he's so happy that it's hard to be anything but happy when you're around him. Now if we could just do something about his ridiculously painful shrieking that he's picked up in the last couple weeks...
I know I've already talked about it a lot, but I tend to get nostalgic when big anniversaries come up and I can pinpoint exactly where I was one year earlier. This time of year (and especially with a storm coming overnight tonight) I'm definitely taken back to a dizzying last couple of weeks as a family of three. I knew one day I'd look back at that time and marvel at its simplicity, even though at the time it seemed crazy. Sure enough, one kid seems so simple now. I wouldn't change a thing about Carter, of course, but yeah, life is a lot more complicated these days. More than we ever imagined. So pardon me for getting a little nostalgic for a simpler time. These two weeks one year ago were the last moments of our old normal, which it turns out never really made a comeback. So, yeah, they were more special than we ever could have imagined.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
The A Word
Most people, from the moment they find out they're pregnant, hope and pray for the perfect baby. I think in a lot of cases we don't even know what that really means. Healthy, yes, but beyond normal functionality I don't think most of us get too specific. Most people probably don't spend significant amounts of time praying their baby avoids their environmental allergies, for example, but I'm sure at least once I specifically asked that my kids be spared of major food allergies, cancer, or anything else that would shorten their lives or significantly reduce their happiness. I mostly just prayed that they would grow into happy, functional adults and live a long, healthy life.
You worry nonetheless but hope that God knows what he's doing. But what happens when some of your worst nightmares start coming true? What do you do when the bullets you thought you dodged boomerang back around? That's sort of the spot we're finding ourselves in right now, at least to some degree.
I think my biggest fears with both kids were probably 1) Anything that could lead to their death (cancer, SIDS); 2) Anything that would be life-alteringly awful (deformities, major food allergies); 3) Autism or any other severe mental issue. As Jacob got older, I thought we had gotten past those problems, at least as much as you can. Cancer or accidents are always wildcards, obviously, but aside from a few behavior issues, his respiratory issues, and his milk protein intolerance early on, he was by all accounts a normal kid. We had a healthy and happy kid. And then the last six months happened.
Well, maybe the last year. I don't want to pin Jacob's behavior issues on Carter's arrival because there were certainly issues before that. They seemed to intensify a bit before Carter was born, and again about six months after, and while I'm sure that's a contributing factor (I'm probably more confident of that now that I was earlier), I'm sure there were various foundations set before Carter even existed. In the last six months, his behavior problems have become a major disruption to daily life. He's also been diagnosed with Celiac disease, which has sent our typical household menu into a tizzy. It's all been very jarring to our simple, normal existence. I never imagined we'd be facing down such an array of evaluations or having to put so much effort into having a "normal" daily life.
Today I got a call from the psychologist at Jacob's school. She had started evaluating him prior to the holidays, and we hadn't really heard anything. She wanted to make an appointment to discuss the results. She gave me a bit of a preview, starting out with a rundown of his test scores from all of the different evaluations she did. As a whole, he scored very high. In most cases he was on the high end of average, or in a couple cases, as high as the 99th percentile. He's obviously very intelligent, particularly in the non-verbal, visual realm. The one area where he struggled was with writing his alphabet. The test was to see how many letters he could write in 30 seconds. He only got...two. He was distracted and needed a lot of prompting, and it took over five minutes for him to do all of them. That is nothing new, and that revelation transitioned into the more difficult part of the call, which was his behavior issues. Based on what she was seeing in the evaluation we filled out, and what she's seeing on her end, she wants to do a little further evaluation, this one focused on Asperger's. Obviously if he's on the spectrum he'd be considered high-functioning, but actually hearing someone finally use that term in an official "suspicion" sort of way (meaning, the red flags may be pointing in that direction) was hard, even though we've known for a while that it could be possible.
Heck, if you look back in the blog, I remarked a couple times how his stubbornness made me wonder what was up with him, even comparing his behavior to the character Max in the TV show "Parenthood". Max has Asperger's, and while I know it's just a TV show, there were some eerie similarities. But the thing that always made me think that wasn't the case was that Jacob was always more social than you'd think a typical kid on the spectrum would be. He made eye contact, he was chatty, he was relatively normal, all the way up through the ages and stages where Asperger's is supposed to become apparent. Even now, with all we've been through, he CAN be normal. It doesn't happen a ton, but he can be totally normal and friendly for significant periods of time, and I just don't know if Asperger's kids can just "turn it off" at times. It's just odd.
On a side note, a couple weeks ago I noticed that a friend of mine (who has her own son with some behavioral challenges) commented on Facebook on a photo posted by an autism support page. The picture showed a city bus with an ad (possibly for a medical facility) talking about the ultimate goal of eradicating cancer, diabetes, and autism. People (parents of kids on the spectrum, to be exact) were very upset by this ad, saying that their kids don't need to be "fixed" or whatever. Maybe I'm just an outsider still, or a bad parent, but I just don't agree. Yes, kids are all great and unique. Autistic kids can have amazing strengths and skills, and I get how parents wouldn't want to change their kids, per se. But, honestly, if I could better my child's quality of life, or prevent other kids from having difficulties like this, why wouldn't we strive for that? I understand that things like cancer and diabetes are far more physically damaging, for sure, but am I nuts that I'd prefer my kid to be able to interact normally within society? My boss and I were talking about it and she concluded it's like the people that are against cochlear implants. They claim it's damaging to deaf culture and there's nothing "wrong" with being deaf. But silly me, can't hearing be helpful in integrating into normal society and advancing one's career or improving interactions with loved ones? I love Jacob, but--wrong or not--when I see him, I see so much potential that is being stifled by his inability to shut off the stuff in his brain that's dragging him down. I am blown away by his vocabulary, math skills, and artistic abilities, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't trade even a tiny piece of all of that to have a kid that was able to enjoy his life without obsessing over wearing a certain color shirt or thinking that his little brother somehow spit on him from four feet away, rendering his food contaminated. There's just not a lot of quality of life there, for any of us, and I can't for the life of me understand why people would have any issue with "curing" autism if it meant that their child would have a better life. It's one thing to love and support your child unconditionally...but it's another to act like their world (and yours) wouldn't be better if they were able to fit in with their peers and communicate better with the world around them. I just don't get it. Maybe someday I will.
So, anyway...we have more paperwork to fill out and we'll get the full story on the rest of it next Monday. We still need to get in with the specialist, which will hopefully give us more answers. Our main hope at this point (regardless of diagnosis) is to get some coping techniques to help us manage the hitting and the hardcore defiance--like when he needs to go to school but refuses to wear anything in his closet. It kills me that this is our reality right now, but we're doing everything we can to get answers and help Jacob through this. I pray that we find a solution that works for him, and for us. I know there's an amazing kid in there, and while the flashes are great, I wish so badly that his bright shining light could come through all the time.
You worry nonetheless but hope that God knows what he's doing. But what happens when some of your worst nightmares start coming true? What do you do when the bullets you thought you dodged boomerang back around? That's sort of the spot we're finding ourselves in right now, at least to some degree.
I think my biggest fears with both kids were probably 1) Anything that could lead to their death (cancer, SIDS); 2) Anything that would be life-alteringly awful (deformities, major food allergies); 3) Autism or any other severe mental issue. As Jacob got older, I thought we had gotten past those problems, at least as much as you can. Cancer or accidents are always wildcards, obviously, but aside from a few behavior issues, his respiratory issues, and his milk protein intolerance early on, he was by all accounts a normal kid. We had a healthy and happy kid. And then the last six months happened.
Well, maybe the last year. I don't want to pin Jacob's behavior issues on Carter's arrival because there were certainly issues before that. They seemed to intensify a bit before Carter was born, and again about six months after, and while I'm sure that's a contributing factor (I'm probably more confident of that now that I was earlier), I'm sure there were various foundations set before Carter even existed. In the last six months, his behavior problems have become a major disruption to daily life. He's also been diagnosed with Celiac disease, which has sent our typical household menu into a tizzy. It's all been very jarring to our simple, normal existence. I never imagined we'd be facing down such an array of evaluations or having to put so much effort into having a "normal" daily life.
Today I got a call from the psychologist at Jacob's school. She had started evaluating him prior to the holidays, and we hadn't really heard anything. She wanted to make an appointment to discuss the results. She gave me a bit of a preview, starting out with a rundown of his test scores from all of the different evaluations she did. As a whole, he scored very high. In most cases he was on the high end of average, or in a couple cases, as high as the 99th percentile. He's obviously very intelligent, particularly in the non-verbal, visual realm. The one area where he struggled was with writing his alphabet. The test was to see how many letters he could write in 30 seconds. He only got...two. He was distracted and needed a lot of prompting, and it took over five minutes for him to do all of them. That is nothing new, and that revelation transitioned into the more difficult part of the call, which was his behavior issues. Based on what she was seeing in the evaluation we filled out, and what she's seeing on her end, she wants to do a little further evaluation, this one focused on Asperger's. Obviously if he's on the spectrum he'd be considered high-functioning, but actually hearing someone finally use that term in an official "suspicion" sort of way (meaning, the red flags may be pointing in that direction) was hard, even though we've known for a while that it could be possible.
Heck, if you look back in the blog, I remarked a couple times how his stubbornness made me wonder what was up with him, even comparing his behavior to the character Max in the TV show "Parenthood". Max has Asperger's, and while I know it's just a TV show, there were some eerie similarities. But the thing that always made me think that wasn't the case was that Jacob was always more social than you'd think a typical kid on the spectrum would be. He made eye contact, he was chatty, he was relatively normal, all the way up through the ages and stages where Asperger's is supposed to become apparent. Even now, with all we've been through, he CAN be normal. It doesn't happen a ton, but he can be totally normal and friendly for significant periods of time, and I just don't know if Asperger's kids can just "turn it off" at times. It's just odd.
On a side note, a couple weeks ago I noticed that a friend of mine (who has her own son with some behavioral challenges) commented on Facebook on a photo posted by an autism support page. The picture showed a city bus with an ad (possibly for a medical facility) talking about the ultimate goal of eradicating cancer, diabetes, and autism. People (parents of kids on the spectrum, to be exact) were very upset by this ad, saying that their kids don't need to be "fixed" or whatever. Maybe I'm just an outsider still, or a bad parent, but I just don't agree. Yes, kids are all great and unique. Autistic kids can have amazing strengths and skills, and I get how parents wouldn't want to change their kids, per se. But, honestly, if I could better my child's quality of life, or prevent other kids from having difficulties like this, why wouldn't we strive for that? I understand that things like cancer and diabetes are far more physically damaging, for sure, but am I nuts that I'd prefer my kid to be able to interact normally within society? My boss and I were talking about it and she concluded it's like the people that are against cochlear implants. They claim it's damaging to deaf culture and there's nothing "wrong" with being deaf. But silly me, can't hearing be helpful in integrating into normal society and advancing one's career or improving interactions with loved ones? I love Jacob, but--wrong or not--when I see him, I see so much potential that is being stifled by his inability to shut off the stuff in his brain that's dragging him down. I am blown away by his vocabulary, math skills, and artistic abilities, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't trade even a tiny piece of all of that to have a kid that was able to enjoy his life without obsessing over wearing a certain color shirt or thinking that his little brother somehow spit on him from four feet away, rendering his food contaminated. There's just not a lot of quality of life there, for any of us, and I can't for the life of me understand why people would have any issue with "curing" autism if it meant that their child would have a better life. It's one thing to love and support your child unconditionally...but it's another to act like their world (and yours) wouldn't be better if they were able to fit in with their peers and communicate better with the world around them. I just don't get it. Maybe someday I will.
So, anyway...we have more paperwork to fill out and we'll get the full story on the rest of it next Monday. We still need to get in with the specialist, which will hopefully give us more answers. Our main hope at this point (regardless of diagnosis) is to get some coping techniques to help us manage the hitting and the hardcore defiance--like when he needs to go to school but refuses to wear anything in his closet. It kills me that this is our reality right now, but we're doing everything we can to get answers and help Jacob through this. I pray that we find a solution that works for him, and for us. I know there's an amazing kid in there, and while the flashes are great, I wish so badly that his bright shining light could come through all the time.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Photo Friday
I figured it was time to catch up on a few photos. I haven't been taking as many pictures lately as I should, but I have snagged a few.
I realized a while back that I never shared the winner of the Christmas card shoot. It's a miracle I got both boys in the same picture, and no children were harmed in the process. Yay for small miracles!
Carter is quite the handful these days. He's feeling better after his ear infection. He's still not quite back to eating normally, but he's sleeping fine and has plenty of energy. He's getting into everything. He will not leave Jacob's stuff alone. I don't know how babies instinctively want to get into the very things they're not supposed to touch, but they do. Carter also wants to put everything in his mouth, which is getting frustrating. Here's a picture of his toy corner, where we can fence him in if we have to, but he usually gets upset about being in there so right now I'm mostly using it when I absolutely have to.
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| I do like that the gate sort of blends into the wall a bit. This area is usually a bit of a mess, but it picks up quick. |
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| This is a perfect smile, though, complete with all eight of his teeth! |
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| He likes this truck a lot. It sings the most annoying songs, but if it keeps him occupied, so be it. Pretty sure he's already played with it more than Jacob did. |
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| Cheesy smile while playing with Jacob's golf club and his own little basketballs...and so begins the sports! |
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| He's still working on his technique... |
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| Giggling as he tried to climb on me! |
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| Getting into trouble as usual...this time up on the ottoman grabbing the remotes! |
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| Showing off his puppy skills! He is constantly crawling around with something in his mouth! |
We're heading into a weekend without Craig, who's off to Edmonton for work. We don't have any plans for tomorrow, so I may need to make some to save us from an entire day in the house trying to keep Carter out of trouble and get Jacob out from in front of the TV. Sunday we have a Superbowl party to go to--one we've gone to over the years but that had taken a two year hiatus. I'm a little nervous about getting the kids there myself (Craig will just be getting back and meeting us there late), keeping Jacob away from the gluten, and keeping both kids occupied. But it's a great party with good friends, so I'll do my best and come home if we have to.
Starting off the weekend by being up far too late isn't good, so that's it's for now...
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Where's my medal?
I kid, I kid, I know this job doesn't come with a medal. I signed up for parenthood and all that comes with it, but let me tell you, sometimes it would be nice. It's not easy to sacrifice all the time with little thanks, but that's usually how it goes.
I think the original thing that spawned this post is that I was talking to two people on Saturday at Jacob's lacrosse game (separately) and mentioned that I was planning on driving to Buffalo in questionable weather with both boys. Both responded, "Alone?" I never really thought it was a big deal, but apparently it seemed that way to them. On Friday at work a co-worker of mine mentioned that she's been going to Knighthawks games with her boyfriend, who has had season tickets for years. She asked if I go to games, and I said that I go to most of them. And she said, "With both boys?" Yep. As much as I dread my weekends alone with the boys when Craig is on the road, I think I forget sometimes what a big deal it is, until someone expresses admiration for the fact that I do it...and do it often. Still, I know it could be worse--he could be gone for weeks or months. We've all got our challenges. Some have weekly evenings alone that they've come to dread, or are home all day. Some people have more challenging children. Some people share custody and have the challenge of having kids alone one weekend, then being just plain alone the next. It's always something.
This past weekend's trip to Buffalo was a bit of a risk, but it was all to help Jacob understand how much I love him. He'd been looking forward to going to Buffalo for the Knighthawks-Bandits game for weeks. He insists he's a Bandits fan, so he really wanted to go. He had a lacrosse game on Saturday afternoon (and it was like pulling teeth to get him there--a big argument that took far too long to convince him that if he didn't go to his game, we weren't going to Buffalo), but we'd have just enough time to go to his game, drive to Buffalo, drop off Carter at my parents', and get to the game. Well, what we didn't count on was the weather. While it wasn't horrible, it had the potential to be. Blowing snow, cold temperatures, lots of wind...and just plain miserable. My father pleaded with me via email to cancel the trip. I spent much of Jacob's game studying the radar animation, trying to figure out how bad it would be along the Thruway. All I could think about was how upset Jacob would be if I said we couldn't go. I didn't really want to spend my evening dealing with that, and I had already gone through the trouble of packing up, so I really didn't want to have to cancel. Eventually I decided that the snow was moving south of the Thruway and they'd have about an hour before we got that far to get the plows on the roads. I'd focus on going slow and leaving plenty of space, and if it got bad enough, we'd turn around. I had to try to convince Jacob that I wasn't just a giant meanie.
We got on the road and started hitting some snow. There was a small section that was a bit white-out prone, but it passed quickly and the snow dissipated. We moved along, a little slower than usual but moving fine. The roads were generally fine, but I wouldn't have really wanted to do a sudden stop, either. Carter took a nap and Jacob miraculously stayed awake for his movie. Jacob decided he needed a potty break when we were about 15 minutes away from the one rest area on the trip. We got there, took care of business, and loaded back in, and suddenly Jacob was asleep. He and Carter both napped for the last 20 minutes of the drive, and I was a little nervous about how Jacob would be after I woke him up.
When we got to my parents', we were running extra short on time, but I tried to get my parents up to speed on Carter's care (his medicines alone are quite a process) and get Jacob and myself ready as quickly as possible. First he fought me because I forgot the shorts he was determined to wear under his pants. Then he was upset when I said he couldn't bring his lacrosse stick. Both arguments lasted longer than they should have, but eventually he realized I was serious about skipping the game and he got himself together. We headed off, just the two of us, for dinner at Mighty Taco and a drive through the iffy weather to the game. While the roads weren't ideal, they were good enough and the whole weather thing turned out to be a non-event, thankfully.
The game was interesting. We got there late (which was fine, really), but the Knighthawks looked terrible. We were routinely down by more than half a dozen goals or more, which was a shock to the system after last spring's championship run and three straight wins to start this season. Still, I was having a genuinely good time with Jacob. He's never particularly chatty when we're at games, but I could tell he enjoyed dinner and was having fun at the game. He took delight in the Bandits goals and my groans that followed. He was pretty well-behaved and he got to enjoy a new gluten-free treat I had picked up on a whim at BJ's the previous weekend.
Eventually the Knighthawks came back and lost by one goal, so at least the end was fun to watch. We headed down to the team store to kill some time while traffic cleared out, then headed back out into the bitter cold to drive home. We battled a little traffic, but got home at a reasonable time and Jacob was pretty good about going right to bed. Overall, it was a really fun night and it make all of the craziness worrying about the weather worth it.
Well, overnight that night, Carter was a disaster. He was up multiple times screeching like he was in pain, and ended up sleeping on me for most of the night. In the middle of it all, Jacob had an hour-long coughing fit. Let's just say it wasn't a good night for any of us, and we were all pretty off the next morning, so much so that we stayed home from church to try to get a little more rest. I had to drive home that afternoon, after all. It was a bit of a challenging morning trying to keep both kids entertained and still try to sneak in some rest. At one point Carter fell back to sleep and I laid down, too, only to have Jacob come up and nearly wake up Carter and annoy the heck out of me. He was laying down on his sleeping bag but finding every way to bang on things near him and drive me crazy. Ironically, at some point Jacob fell asleep, which is rare at that time of day. Carter woke up before he did, but I think the nap did us all well as it was a pretty good afternoon as a whole. The drive home was fine, too.
Sunday night, however, was as bad as Saturday. I'm pretty sure I only had a handful of hours of sleep over the two nights, and even some of that was pretty light considering I had a baby sleeping on or next to me for a lot of it. The fact that he was inconsolable even when held, arching his back, and screaming bloody murder made me think something was up. I initially thought maybe it was gas from testing out some dairy again (no puking--yay!), but when the second night happened, I was starting to think it might be an ear infection. It gets worse when they lay down, and that definitely seemed to be the case with Carter. I called the doctor Monday morning and got in for a 9:30 appointment...and sure enough, a double ear infection. Poor kid. No wonder he was so miserable. Though I must note that during the day he was relatively good. Aside from not eating as much as normal, taking shorter naps, and being only a tiny bit less happy, you'd never have known it was that bad. So, he's on his first course of antibiotics and last night was a full night's sleep for the first time in a few days. But oh, that first night alone at my parents' was pretty miserable. By the end of the weekend, I was really wondering when my medal was going to show up.
And if this tells you anything, I have been trying to write this post since the end of the weekend. It has been one of those weeks. Not bad, mind you, just busy. My job has exploded (I currently have over 50 tasks assigned to me, if you can believe that, and at least 40 of those have come in in the past week), I'm trying to plan Carter's birthday, take care of the dishes and laundry, keep the kitchen cabinets stocked, and stay awake long enough at night to accomplish at least a couple things every night. I have a very long to do list and it seems like it will never get done! I'm tired and sometimes it seems like it's all too much. I wouldn't change things (not much, anyway), but yeah, a medal wouldn't be a bad token now and then.
There's so much more I want to write, but I'm so sleepy that I can't even think. I'll leave you with a picture I took of Jacob and me at the lacrosse game...
I think the original thing that spawned this post is that I was talking to two people on Saturday at Jacob's lacrosse game (separately) and mentioned that I was planning on driving to Buffalo in questionable weather with both boys. Both responded, "Alone?" I never really thought it was a big deal, but apparently it seemed that way to them. On Friday at work a co-worker of mine mentioned that she's been going to Knighthawks games with her boyfriend, who has had season tickets for years. She asked if I go to games, and I said that I go to most of them. And she said, "With both boys?" Yep. As much as I dread my weekends alone with the boys when Craig is on the road, I think I forget sometimes what a big deal it is, until someone expresses admiration for the fact that I do it...and do it often. Still, I know it could be worse--he could be gone for weeks or months. We've all got our challenges. Some have weekly evenings alone that they've come to dread, or are home all day. Some people have more challenging children. Some people share custody and have the challenge of having kids alone one weekend, then being just plain alone the next. It's always something.
This past weekend's trip to Buffalo was a bit of a risk, but it was all to help Jacob understand how much I love him. He'd been looking forward to going to Buffalo for the Knighthawks-Bandits game for weeks. He insists he's a Bandits fan, so he really wanted to go. He had a lacrosse game on Saturday afternoon (and it was like pulling teeth to get him there--a big argument that took far too long to convince him that if he didn't go to his game, we weren't going to Buffalo), but we'd have just enough time to go to his game, drive to Buffalo, drop off Carter at my parents', and get to the game. Well, what we didn't count on was the weather. While it wasn't horrible, it had the potential to be. Blowing snow, cold temperatures, lots of wind...and just plain miserable. My father pleaded with me via email to cancel the trip. I spent much of Jacob's game studying the radar animation, trying to figure out how bad it would be along the Thruway. All I could think about was how upset Jacob would be if I said we couldn't go. I didn't really want to spend my evening dealing with that, and I had already gone through the trouble of packing up, so I really didn't want to have to cancel. Eventually I decided that the snow was moving south of the Thruway and they'd have about an hour before we got that far to get the plows on the roads. I'd focus on going slow and leaving plenty of space, and if it got bad enough, we'd turn around. I had to try to convince Jacob that I wasn't just a giant meanie.
We got on the road and started hitting some snow. There was a small section that was a bit white-out prone, but it passed quickly and the snow dissipated. We moved along, a little slower than usual but moving fine. The roads were generally fine, but I wouldn't have really wanted to do a sudden stop, either. Carter took a nap and Jacob miraculously stayed awake for his movie. Jacob decided he needed a potty break when we were about 15 minutes away from the one rest area on the trip. We got there, took care of business, and loaded back in, and suddenly Jacob was asleep. He and Carter both napped for the last 20 minutes of the drive, and I was a little nervous about how Jacob would be after I woke him up.
When we got to my parents', we were running extra short on time, but I tried to get my parents up to speed on Carter's care (his medicines alone are quite a process) and get Jacob and myself ready as quickly as possible. First he fought me because I forgot the shorts he was determined to wear under his pants. Then he was upset when I said he couldn't bring his lacrosse stick. Both arguments lasted longer than they should have, but eventually he realized I was serious about skipping the game and he got himself together. We headed off, just the two of us, for dinner at Mighty Taco and a drive through the iffy weather to the game. While the roads weren't ideal, they were good enough and the whole weather thing turned out to be a non-event, thankfully.
The game was interesting. We got there late (which was fine, really), but the Knighthawks looked terrible. We were routinely down by more than half a dozen goals or more, which was a shock to the system after last spring's championship run and three straight wins to start this season. Still, I was having a genuinely good time with Jacob. He's never particularly chatty when we're at games, but I could tell he enjoyed dinner and was having fun at the game. He took delight in the Bandits goals and my groans that followed. He was pretty well-behaved and he got to enjoy a new gluten-free treat I had picked up on a whim at BJ's the previous weekend.
Eventually the Knighthawks came back and lost by one goal, so at least the end was fun to watch. We headed down to the team store to kill some time while traffic cleared out, then headed back out into the bitter cold to drive home. We battled a little traffic, but got home at a reasonable time and Jacob was pretty good about going right to bed. Overall, it was a really fun night and it make all of the craziness worrying about the weather worth it.
Well, overnight that night, Carter was a disaster. He was up multiple times screeching like he was in pain, and ended up sleeping on me for most of the night. In the middle of it all, Jacob had an hour-long coughing fit. Let's just say it wasn't a good night for any of us, and we were all pretty off the next morning, so much so that we stayed home from church to try to get a little more rest. I had to drive home that afternoon, after all. It was a bit of a challenging morning trying to keep both kids entertained and still try to sneak in some rest. At one point Carter fell back to sleep and I laid down, too, only to have Jacob come up and nearly wake up Carter and annoy the heck out of me. He was laying down on his sleeping bag but finding every way to bang on things near him and drive me crazy. Ironically, at some point Jacob fell asleep, which is rare at that time of day. Carter woke up before he did, but I think the nap did us all well as it was a pretty good afternoon as a whole. The drive home was fine, too.
Sunday night, however, was as bad as Saturday. I'm pretty sure I only had a handful of hours of sleep over the two nights, and even some of that was pretty light considering I had a baby sleeping on or next to me for a lot of it. The fact that he was inconsolable even when held, arching his back, and screaming bloody murder made me think something was up. I initially thought maybe it was gas from testing out some dairy again (no puking--yay!), but when the second night happened, I was starting to think it might be an ear infection. It gets worse when they lay down, and that definitely seemed to be the case with Carter. I called the doctor Monday morning and got in for a 9:30 appointment...and sure enough, a double ear infection. Poor kid. No wonder he was so miserable. Though I must note that during the day he was relatively good. Aside from not eating as much as normal, taking shorter naps, and being only a tiny bit less happy, you'd never have known it was that bad. So, he's on his first course of antibiotics and last night was a full night's sleep for the first time in a few days. But oh, that first night alone at my parents' was pretty miserable. By the end of the weekend, I was really wondering when my medal was going to show up.
And if this tells you anything, I have been trying to write this post since the end of the weekend. It has been one of those weeks. Not bad, mind you, just busy. My job has exploded (I currently have over 50 tasks assigned to me, if you can believe that, and at least 40 of those have come in in the past week), I'm trying to plan Carter's birthday, take care of the dishes and laundry, keep the kitchen cabinets stocked, and stay awake long enough at night to accomplish at least a couple things every night. I have a very long to do list and it seems like it will never get done! I'm tired and sometimes it seems like it's all too much. I wouldn't change things (not much, anyway), but yeah, a medal wouldn't be a bad token now and then.
There's so much more I want to write, but I'm so sleepy that I can't even think. I'll leave you with a picture I took of Jacob and me at the lacrosse game...
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Old Photos
Yesterday my dad sent me some pictures of Jacob from when he was about the same age Carter is now. I always love to see pictures I haven't seen before, or in a while, or that I forgot existed. Sometimes I feel like photos are little puzzle pieces that make up our lives. So much of my childhood is tied up in the photo albums at my parents' house. In fact, I often make mental notes about things I want to look up the next time I go there. Most recently it was when I got my first bike for Christmas (four years old), and before that I was wondering about different Halloween costumes. I remember a lot of things about my childhood (more than the average person, I'd guess), but for the mundane details, those photo albums are key. In some cases I do the same thing with my own photos to pinpoint timing and things like that.
I, too, had recently been looking at pictures of Jacob from when he was around 11 months. From what I see, Jacob looked older than Carter. Jacob seemed to have more hair by this point (Carter's is getting long on the back and sides but is still fine and short up top), but Carter has more teeth (he has 7-1/2 right now, and I think Jacob was lucky if he had four). Maybe it's just perspective, maybe it's Carter's chubby cheeks...I have no idea, but Jacob just looks older. Heck, just looking at the pictures I feel like Jacob was so much more "accomplished" (for lack of a better word) at that point, even though I know for a fact that Carter has been crawling longer. It's so weird. For reference, here's Jacob right around 11 months...
I, too, had recently been looking at pictures of Jacob from when he was around 11 months. From what I see, Jacob looked older than Carter. Jacob seemed to have more hair by this point (Carter's is getting long on the back and sides but is still fine and short up top), but Carter has more teeth (he has 7-1/2 right now, and I think Jacob was lucky if he had four). Maybe it's just perspective, maybe it's Carter's chubby cheeks...I have no idea, but Jacob just looks older. Heck, just looking at the pictures I feel like Jacob was so much more "accomplished" (for lack of a better word) at that point, even though I know for a fact that Carter has been crawling longer. It's so weird. For reference, here's Jacob right around 11 months...
And now Carter...
More and more I don't think they look anything alike! I see facial features that can look similar, but as a whole, they're very different. In more ways than one!
Anyway, now that we've had that fun...the serious stuff. I'll admit that I have a bit of a hard time looking at old pictures of Jacob now. I mean, I love them and treasure each one...but sometimes it's hard for me to reconcile the fact that the sweet baby that I adored so much is now so frustrating and professes his dislike for me on a daily basis. I thought that might be the case when he was 15, not when he's five.
I think that old pictures are great for two reasons: 1) Recalling good memories; 2) Realizing how far you've come. Recalling good memories still applies, but looking at how far we've come...well...in the first place, that's a little hard when you have that disconnect between who Jacob was then and who he is now. On top of that, the beauty of seeing how far you've come is that it inspires hope for the future. You've seen your child grow and change so much, and it makes you excited for all there is to come. But when the future is such a question mark, that anticipation just isn't there. At least, not in the same way.
Not that this is something I dwell on, but I've definitely thought about parents who have lost kids and wondered how they feel about pictures of their kids. Do they savor and seek out every one to absorb every single moment involving their kids that they can? Or does it hurt too much to look at those pictures knowing that they're a complete set and there's no potential for more? In most cases it's probably a mix depending on the moment.
I know our situation is very different because Jacob is alive and well, but he's definitely a different kid than he was, particularly when we're looking at the age Carter is now. At that point there was no hint we'd be in the situation we're in now. While I like to think Carter's personality is very different, I can't say for sure. It breaks my heart even thinking that we could be in this same situation with him someday. And when I look into the face of my baby Jacob, it breaks my heart even more to think about the anger and frustration I've felt when dealing with him in these past six months. I could never feel that way about that baby, so why do I feel that way about the big kid version? Well, the constant beatings and rude, hurtful backtalk probably have something to do with it, but I just don't know how we got here from there.
I love those pictures, but there's a little bit of sadness hanging on each one knowing that the smile we were so happy to capture just isn't the same anymore. Oh, how I wish we could find that kid again.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Flashback
A couple weeks ago, a show I had set up to automatically tape on the DVR started popping up again with new episodes. The show is called "Something Borrowed, Something New" and it's on TLC. It's about daughters whose moms want them to wear their wedding dress, and a designer transforms the mom's dress into something awesome. The bride then has to choose between a new dress and the reworked dress. It's a fun little show and I remember watching it last winter. In fact, I recall eagerly watching the two episodes that taped every Friday night when I was home alone with Carter during my maternity leave. Seeing that show pop back up in my shows and watching it again has been a funny little throwback to that whirlwind couple months at the end of last winter.
Even weirder...right around the time Carter was born, there was another TLC show that was just about to premiere. I watched a LOT of TLC the entire time I was off, from the couple days I spent in the hospital, right through my seven weeks off, and during that time, I must have seen a few hundred commercials for this one show - "Welcome to Myrtle Manor". There was a very obnoxious, repetitive commercial for it, particularly at the beginning, and I swear that if there was a soundtrack to my maternity leave, that would have been on it. I watched a couple episodes once it premiered, but after my maternity leave I sort of forgot it existed. Well, a couple weeks ago, I saw a commercial for the new season of the show. The second I heard the name, I was momentarily, instantaneously transported back to last February with a clear vision of how I spent my maternity leave. It was so weird how the mere mention of the name of a show I had forgotten about (albeit by the same voice that did the original commercial) instantly took me back. I never realized how much of an impact that show had on that phase of my life. I can probably say the same for a couple other commercials, too, but that one definitely gave me a "Pavlov" moment.
I had another moment like that, too, when I was hanging out at my parents' house a few weeks back and heard one of them playing Candy Crush on the iPad. I gave up on level 65 ages ago, but that game was my constant companion during night feedings. The music brings back memories of those otherwise quiet, middle of the night moments.
I still look back so fondly on my maternity leave. It was so peaceful and fulfilling, which shocked me considering how hard my maternity leave with Jacob felt. I don't know why they were so different, but all I can figure is this:
1) This time the house was my comfortable little cocoon shielding me from winter, whereas with Jacob it was a 90-degree furnace. I also appreciated not having to go out or commute in the crappy winter weather, whereas with Jacob I felt like I should go outside to escape the heat in the house and to appreciate the summer...but it was such a process to go out, so I was plenty happy to stay in the house as much as possible this time.
2) Jacob was a terrible napper and I felt compelled to try to get things done around the house so often that I found myself constantly frustrated when he'd wake up early. This time I just tried to appreciate Carter's presence and enjoy my time with him. He spent a lot of time in my arms and was therefore a good napper...as long as I was holding him. But since I was okay with that from the get-go, it didn't bother me.
3) Everything started off so chaotic with Jacob and I can't help but wonder if I just never settled in quite right. This time everything went off without a hitch--well, at least once I got over being shell-shocked from delivering three weeks early after my water broke out of the blue at work. But I was half-expecting to go early and everything went so well afterward that everything just settled into place. I was also so grateful for the "normal" experience that I soaked up every moment of it.
As we head into the same time of year that was the stretch run last year, I'm certainly thinking back to everything that's happened in the past year. This was where it all started and it marked the last period I can refer to as "blissful" in our lives. In comparison to now, anyway. It's been a crazy year for sure, but when it comes down to it, I can't believe Carter's been here almost a full year! This time of year drives that point home loud and clear, and it brings with it the reality--we have a party to plan! That's a new one for this time of year, for sure!
Even weirder...right around the time Carter was born, there was another TLC show that was just about to premiere. I watched a LOT of TLC the entire time I was off, from the couple days I spent in the hospital, right through my seven weeks off, and during that time, I must have seen a few hundred commercials for this one show - "Welcome to Myrtle Manor". There was a very obnoxious, repetitive commercial for it, particularly at the beginning, and I swear that if there was a soundtrack to my maternity leave, that would have been on it. I watched a couple episodes once it premiered, but after my maternity leave I sort of forgot it existed. Well, a couple weeks ago, I saw a commercial for the new season of the show. The second I heard the name, I was momentarily, instantaneously transported back to last February with a clear vision of how I spent my maternity leave. It was so weird how the mere mention of the name of a show I had forgotten about (albeit by the same voice that did the original commercial) instantly took me back. I never realized how much of an impact that show had on that phase of my life. I can probably say the same for a couple other commercials, too, but that one definitely gave me a "Pavlov" moment.
I had another moment like that, too, when I was hanging out at my parents' house a few weeks back and heard one of them playing Candy Crush on the iPad. I gave up on level 65 ages ago, but that game was my constant companion during night feedings. The music brings back memories of those otherwise quiet, middle of the night moments.
I still look back so fondly on my maternity leave. It was so peaceful and fulfilling, which shocked me considering how hard my maternity leave with Jacob felt. I don't know why they were so different, but all I can figure is this:
1) This time the house was my comfortable little cocoon shielding me from winter, whereas with Jacob it was a 90-degree furnace. I also appreciated not having to go out or commute in the crappy winter weather, whereas with Jacob I felt like I should go outside to escape the heat in the house and to appreciate the summer...but it was such a process to go out, so I was plenty happy to stay in the house as much as possible this time.
2) Jacob was a terrible napper and I felt compelled to try to get things done around the house so often that I found myself constantly frustrated when he'd wake up early. This time I just tried to appreciate Carter's presence and enjoy my time with him. He spent a lot of time in my arms and was therefore a good napper...as long as I was holding him. But since I was okay with that from the get-go, it didn't bother me.
3) Everything started off so chaotic with Jacob and I can't help but wonder if I just never settled in quite right. This time everything went off without a hitch--well, at least once I got over being shell-shocked from delivering three weeks early after my water broke out of the blue at work. But I was half-expecting to go early and everything went so well afterward that everything just settled into place. I was also so grateful for the "normal" experience that I soaked up every moment of it.
As we head into the same time of year that was the stretch run last year, I'm certainly thinking back to everything that's happened in the past year. This was where it all started and it marked the last period I can refer to as "blissful" in our lives. In comparison to now, anyway. It's been a crazy year for sure, but when it comes down to it, I can't believe Carter's been here almost a full year! This time of year drives that point home loud and clear, and it brings with it the reality--we have a party to plan! That's a new one for this time of year, for sure!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Life just keeps moving...
I believe I've mentioned here a time or two that I have two friends with kids who have cancer. One is a husband and wife that I knew in college, and their little girl, Amanda, was diagnosed with tumors on her spine back in the fall of 2012. The other is a co-worker of mine who's been on leave for about eight months or so, first because she had hyperemesis early in her pregnancy early last summer, and then just as she was set to come back to work, her two-year-old son, Roman, was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia. I've been following both of their stories on CaringBridge and Facebook since they each began, and as a parent it absolutely breaks your heart to see all that they've each gone through in their cancer journey. We've been through so much with Jacob, but for all of his issues they should not be life-threatening. Facing down the mortality of your child has to be beyond agonizing and whenever I think of what each set of parents must be going through, it makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide. I'm sure they'd like to too, sometimes, but we all know as parents that you have no choice but to keep going and fighting for your child, no matter the battle. I don't know how they do it.
Early on, Amanda's prognosis didn't seem particularly terrible. Scary, yes, but never was there any indication that she couldn't beat it. She had radiation and went through it like a champ, but in the end the tumors didn't go away. Subsequent rounds of chemo have slowed their growth, but not to the point where things are getting better. She's still a happy, active little girl most of the time, but lately she's been having seizure episodes. No long term damage that they can see, but scary stuff all around. They're still trying to find the right treatment to get her better.
Roman's case started out looking pretty serious. It was a rare form of leukemia for kids, and the statistics weren't particularly positive. Still, he went through multiple rounds of chemo from August to December, the last of which pretty much destroyed his immune system completely as part of the treatment. It's the closest thing to a bone marrow transplant that they can do, and it takes a while for the body to rebuild itself after constantly being knocked down. He had one scary episode where he got very sick for a week or so as a result of the low immune system, but fortunately he was able to battle back. His treatments ended just before Christmas, and all of his tests are coming back perfectly so he's officially in remission! I'm so happy for all of them and pray that he stays healthy from here on out. The good news came just in time, since his mom had been so busy living in the hospital with him and being his main caretaker that she barely had time to prepare for baby #2, whose arrival was merely a month away!
I know them each from different walks of life, but their paths actually crossed independently of me a month or so ago. Early on I did mention to Amanda's mom that my friend's son had been diagnosed and asked if I could pass her name along in case my friend needed an experienced person to turn to. That never happened because I think everything was so busy and so overwhelming after Roman's diagnosis that she never got around to it, but in December they were both in the hospital at the same time for complications, and at that point they were introduced through a local organization that helps families through the cancer process. I was happy to hear they'd met, because they're all great people and I like the thought of them being in each others' lives for mutual support.
Over the past couple days they've each had significant happy things going on, and in the midst of all they've both been dealing with, I think it's neat to see that life does indeed go on despite their circumstances. Early Sunday morning Roman's mom became a mom of two with the arrival (a few days ahead of schedule) of her baby boy. All is well and I sincerely hope she has plenty of opportunity to enjoy her time with both of her healthy little boys!
Today is Amanda's fifth birthday. It comes on the heels of a very difficult few days with another seizure episode and some tough decisions surrounding her treatment, but they are so grateful to have this milestone birthday to celebrate, and fortunately she was feeling good for her party over the weekend. This morning her mom shared a video online of Amanda's first five years. It really puts everything in perspective--how a seemingly normal, lively little girl (just like any of our kids) can suddenly have her life turned upside down by illness. If you have a few minutes, please go watch the video and send up a prayer for her. She and her family could really use it. But for today, they're content just to celebrate rather than dwell on the sadness.
As a parent I find these parents so inspiring. Whenever I feel bad about our situation or find myself complaining about a first-world problem, I always tend to think about these two families and all that they've been through. Our situation is not easy, for sure, but it could be worse. Neither of these families is out of the woods (are you ever with cancer?), but I admire how both are able to celebrate the little moments with so much more gusto because of all that they've been through. I hope that I can keep that in mind in my own life when it seems hard to bypass the small stuff and see the bigger picture of how blessed we are. No, it doesn't change our reality, but it can help us fight another day because we know just how good it can be.
Early on, Amanda's prognosis didn't seem particularly terrible. Scary, yes, but never was there any indication that she couldn't beat it. She had radiation and went through it like a champ, but in the end the tumors didn't go away. Subsequent rounds of chemo have slowed their growth, but not to the point where things are getting better. She's still a happy, active little girl most of the time, but lately she's been having seizure episodes. No long term damage that they can see, but scary stuff all around. They're still trying to find the right treatment to get her better.
Roman's case started out looking pretty serious. It was a rare form of leukemia for kids, and the statistics weren't particularly positive. Still, he went through multiple rounds of chemo from August to December, the last of which pretty much destroyed his immune system completely as part of the treatment. It's the closest thing to a bone marrow transplant that they can do, and it takes a while for the body to rebuild itself after constantly being knocked down. He had one scary episode where he got very sick for a week or so as a result of the low immune system, but fortunately he was able to battle back. His treatments ended just before Christmas, and all of his tests are coming back perfectly so he's officially in remission! I'm so happy for all of them and pray that he stays healthy from here on out. The good news came just in time, since his mom had been so busy living in the hospital with him and being his main caretaker that she barely had time to prepare for baby #2, whose arrival was merely a month away!
I know them each from different walks of life, but their paths actually crossed independently of me a month or so ago. Early on I did mention to Amanda's mom that my friend's son had been diagnosed and asked if I could pass her name along in case my friend needed an experienced person to turn to. That never happened because I think everything was so busy and so overwhelming after Roman's diagnosis that she never got around to it, but in December they were both in the hospital at the same time for complications, and at that point they were introduced through a local organization that helps families through the cancer process. I was happy to hear they'd met, because they're all great people and I like the thought of them being in each others' lives for mutual support.
Over the past couple days they've each had significant happy things going on, and in the midst of all they've both been dealing with, I think it's neat to see that life does indeed go on despite their circumstances. Early Sunday morning Roman's mom became a mom of two with the arrival (a few days ahead of schedule) of her baby boy. All is well and I sincerely hope she has plenty of opportunity to enjoy her time with both of her healthy little boys!
Today is Amanda's fifth birthday. It comes on the heels of a very difficult few days with another seizure episode and some tough decisions surrounding her treatment, but they are so grateful to have this milestone birthday to celebrate, and fortunately she was feeling good for her party over the weekend. This morning her mom shared a video online of Amanda's first five years. It really puts everything in perspective--how a seemingly normal, lively little girl (just like any of our kids) can suddenly have her life turned upside down by illness. If you have a few minutes, please go watch the video and send up a prayer for her. She and her family could really use it. But for today, they're content just to celebrate rather than dwell on the sadness.
As a parent I find these parents so inspiring. Whenever I feel bad about our situation or find myself complaining about a first-world problem, I always tend to think about these two families and all that they've been through. Our situation is not easy, for sure, but it could be worse. Neither of these families is out of the woods (are you ever with cancer?), but I admire how both are able to celebrate the little moments with so much more gusto because of all that they've been through. I hope that I can keep that in mind in my own life when it seems hard to bypass the small stuff and see the bigger picture of how blessed we are. No, it doesn't change our reality, but it can help us fight another day because we know just how good it can be.
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