When Your Best Just Isn't Enough

What happens when your best just isn't enough? Everyone always says that you do your best as a parent, and that's all you can do. But what happens when your best just isn't enough? I suppose it's one thing if your best includes a crack habit and a penchant for late night visitors of the opposite gender...because obviously that's a problem. I'm not sure all of the love in the world could steer your kid around disaster in circumstances like that. But in average, middle class, mainstream society, it seems like most parents' best is generally good enough to produce a reasonably decent citizen down the road. Sure, even the best parents end up with bad eggs here or there (and likewise, there are good kids that come from truly bad parents), but I think those are generally the exception. But here I am, nearly two and a half years into this parenting thing, and I'm feeling pretty much like a failure. I know that's premature and I'm being too hard on myself, but have you ever had to stand before your child's teacher while they rattled off the problems they're having with your child, and simply not known what to say? It's hard. Very hard.

Yesterday we added hair pulling to the mix. He did it to one of the teachers, completely unprovoked. I will say that he doesn't really ever pull my hair, though sometimes if it's dangling near him he will reach up to grab it, but I'm not sure it's been (recently) communicated to him that it's wrong and that it hurts. It doesn't make the outcome any easier for the one whose hair was pulled, but other than explaining to him that it's wrong and that it hurts someone, I don't know what to do. They've had a lot of trouble with him not listening (been there) and he's also been pushing and hitting his friends. And the last couple days he's been waking up from his nap early and being loud, which wakes everyone else up. The early waking could be caused by the cold he picked up over the weekend, but I'm not sure what to do about his being loud. They try to distract him, but it hasn't been working. And as I've mentioned before, that's not really a surprise. When Jacob is determined to do something, it's very hard to convince him otherwise. It takes either a really enticing offer (one good enough to be hard to come by at a moment's notice) or you just have to wait it out until his natural toddler attention span takes over. I guess that's why time outs are sort of a natural thing for toddlers--after a couple minutes, they probably don't care anymore about whatever it was that upset them enough to get there in the first place, so when it's over, it's over.

As she was recounting the problems, I just didn't know what to say. I mean, we can only do what we can at home. We can talk to him about things that happen at daycare and we can be consistent with our discipline, but we have little to no ability to impact his day-to-day doings at daycare beyond that. No matter how many times we explain to him that pulling hair is wrong, we can't physically be there to stop him from doing it or punish him when he does. To be quite honest (and this is probably bad), I don't know how exactly they punish kids at daycare. I know they don't hit or spank. And from what they said the other day, apparently they don't do timeouts either. I'm assuming it's a practicality issue--there are ten toddlers running around the room, and with only a couple teachers you can't dedicate one teacher to making sure one kid sits through his timeout. Jacob can be a little violent in his timeouts anyway, taking swings and kicks at me every time I try to sit him back down. Yesterday he grabbed my arms and pinched them pretty good. But once we get through the hellishness and talk things through afterward, he's generally a much better little boy. He's certainly calmer and generally easier to deal with. That said, we did do two timeouts last night at dinner--one because he wouldn't eat and then got down from his chair (he was insisting on bringing his hockey guys to the table, even after I let him have a few and said no to the rest), and then another when he threw food (after two warnings). And even after that, he threw one more bit of food and was being just generally disrespectful at the table, so I took away his hockey sticks for the night. He was pretty upset about that, but even still, we managed to have a very nice rest of the evening. After each of his punishments he was considerably easier to deal with, even if he did fall prey to another toddler foible later. I'm not expecting perfection, just average behavior.

But I just don't know what to tell the people at daycare. As I said, we're doing what we can at home. But when he's there? What can I do? Part of me wants to say, "We pay you enough to figure it out yourself," but obviously that's not really the point. He's difficult and disruptive, and it's a problem. Part of me can't believe that they haven't run into this before. I mean, yes, Jacob is determined and difficult, but I can't imagine that there haven't been children as difficult as him before. If not, then they're really lucky. However, if he's really that bad, then I guess it feeds into my fears even more that there's something else going on with him beyond normal two-year-old behavior. It's scary. And I can't help but feel this vibe when I'm talking to them, almost a feeling of, "If we don't figure out how to stop this, then there will be consequences." They've never come out and said that, but they seem about as frustrated and hopeless as I am...and it leads me to wonder where we go from here. Would they kick him out if the disruptions became too much or his outbursts led everyone to fear for the safety of the staff and children? Once that happens, does it become a problem to get into a different daycare? If so, where do the "bad" kids go? Special ed programs? I have no idea. And obviously that's a big assumption that may not ever come to pass, but I can't help but wonder what happens if we don't figure this out.

I feel like teaching him to be a good boy is one of those frustrating, non-tangible things to teach when you're a parent. Ages ago I blogged about how hard it is to teach your baby to not scream wildly (still working on that one), or not to bite, or even how to drink from a sippy cup. When they can't comprehend your words, and actions only go so far, what do you do? You can put the sippy cup up to your mouth, but how do you teach them to suck on it when they don't understand how you're doing it? I feel the same way right now about nose blowing. I can put the tissue up to Jacob's nose and tell him to blow through his nose, but if he doesn't understand what I mean, it's not like I can physically show him how to blow through his nose. All of these things just seem like you have to wait until the child is cognitively able to figure it out for themselves--either to comprehend what you're saying, or by simply mimicking you and figuring it out from there by trial and error.

When it comes to behavior, I can tell him things all I want, but until he can comprehend the consequences of his actions and understand the steps he needs to take to restrain himself from the offending behavior, it feels like we're stuck. I can explain that this action hurts people or that action is inappropriate, but it's really up to him to internalize it and learn to hold back when he gets the urge. I can't do it for him. And therein lies the helplessness I'm feeling right now. If I can't force him to behave correctly, I'm just going to have to wait it out and keep trying to teach him in the meantime. In some cases that may involve putting him in situations where he could start to figure it out for himself--excluding him from fun activities, taking away favorite toys, or gently showing him that what he's doing is hurtful. And someday I hope he figures it out and turns into the sweet, polite boy I know he can be.

But what if it's not enough? What if our best efforts and best intentions to raise a charming, friendly child fail and we have a monster on our hands? What on earth do we do then? Or in the meantime? Hopefully we can work on it a bit this weekend with four straight days together, and a little more in the 10 days off I have around Christmas. However, I'm hoping for a Christmas miracle this year, and Jacob's cooperation and comprehension are at the top of my wish list. It makes some new clothes or small appliances seem like small potatoes, doesn't it? Keep us in your prayers...we need 'em.

Should I feel better or worse?

This morning when I dropped off Jacob, I had an uncommonly long discussion with his teachers. At his old daycare, I used to stay and chat at least a good five minutes every morning. The teachers were friendly, and we always had something to chat about--Jacob's night, his behavior, his milestones, etc. It may have made me late to work on more than one occasion, but it was nice to have that kind of rapport with the people who spent so much time with him. Nowadays it's pretty much in and out as soon as possible--for many reasons. One, I've never gotten the warm-fuzzy-chatty vibe with these teachers. They're perfectly nice, perfectly friendly, but it's just different. And in general they're busier with ten active toddlers and there's probably less day-to-day stuff to chat about. Finally, a quick good-bye usually makes for less drama, which is always a good thing. Lately we have had a couple short chats about his behavior and potty training, but today was longer than usual. They asked how his behavior had been, and I confirmed that it was a horrible weekend.

And you know what stinks? It started out so promising. Friday night I picked up Jacob and headed off to the doctor. We had run out of his antibiotic for the blossoming ear infection that the pulmonary specialist caught at his scheduled appointment the previous week. We were three doses short, which perplexes me to no end. I know I medicated him correctly and can only think it had something to do with the drops here and there that get stuck in the tubing and syringe that it's administered in. Anyway, there had been a couple times in the previous couple days where he mentioned his ears hurting, and while I assumed it might have just been a pity/diversion technique when he was in trouble, I couldn't be sure. So, with those two factors in mind, we went in to get him checked. He spent the time in the waiting room playing (fake) baseball and running around, but it was empty enough that he wasn't really disturbing anyone and he was entertaining himself just fine. We had to wait awhile in the exam room, and he sat nicely on my lap looking at books the whole time. He was great during the exam, and got a clean bill of health. Then we headed to McDonald's for a quick dinner, and all things considered he was great there as well. He ate fantastically--though with a little prodding--and generally kept the running away and rubber legs to a minimum. He even sat nice on his own little stool--not a booster or high chair. It was like some sort of miracle. At home he kept himself entertained while I packed up for our weekend trip to my parents' house, and we even had some nice little conversation in the car before he conked out on the way there. It was a great evening, and I told him that quite a few times. I thanked him for being such a good boy, told him how proud I was of him, and explained to him that behavior like that makes it so much easier to do fun things.

And then it all fell apart. I don't know if it was a wacky sleep/nap schedule, or a general change in scenery, or if he decided that nice is boring, but the weekend was tough. Even WITH my parents as backup. We had a nice weekend, though we didn't really do anything extraordinary. My mom and I did a little shopping on Saturday with Jacob. We made a quick-ish trip to the outlet mall in Niagara Falls that would have been considerably quicker had there not been a million people there. It was hard to find a parking spot and every store had a LONG line. I went there for two things and we stopped in maybe three stores, but most of the time there was spent waiting in line at one store. I wanted to get Jacob new hockey shirts since two of his are now too small, and the Oshkosh B'Gosh store was the only one I could find with any decent selection. I bought three, all in 3T, so we'll see what he gets for Christmas and what gets held until at least his birthday. We also stopped at a church bazaar, but we were probably only there for about 30-45 minutes, wandering and chatting...and five minutes of that was changing Jacob's diaper. After lunch Jacob had a heck of a time going down for nap and didn't end up falling asleep until about 4:30. I think part of the problem was the 20 minute nap in between our two shopping trips. Why one catnap means that his real nap isn't needed, I have no idea. I let him sleep until 5:30, and then we were up for dinner and playing. My mom and I did spend some time at my grandma's house that night, which is in the process of getting emptied of her stuff now that she has moved to an apartment. I picked up a few kitchen things, a couple keepsakes, and some Duplos (the big Legos) that will be a Christmas gift. I was going to buy some, but those will work! I think the one set was the set I played with at our house as a kid, so that's cool. Jacob was pretty good alone with my dad, though he did ask for me a bit, and potty time was an experience for my dad!

Sunday we went to church and then headed off to my Grandma's new apartment. We stayed there for a while and Jacob was busy but mostly tolerable. He took a few rides on my grandma's walker (it has a seat) and enjoyed (as usual) her beanie baby collections. After that we went to lunch and struggled to keep Jacob awake until we got there. He didn't eat much, however, though his mood did improve while we were there. He stayed awake until we got back to my parents' and I packed up. He fell asleep shortly into the drive home, around 3pm, and slept the whole way. We spent the rest of the night at home and enjoyed a visit from Lori. I unpacked and he went to bed at a normal time.

While all of that sounds relatively simple and fine, I left out the three million times Jacob threw a tantrum, got jello legs and turned into dead weight, hit or kicked me, or said "no". Any time he doesn't get his way, or doesn't want to go where you do, or you try to redirect him for any reason, he gets upset. He always wants to be playing sports--throwing or kicking balls in the living room, swinging a lacrosse or hockey stick, or pretending to play baseball with a phantom bat and ball, complete with base running and sliding...which is what he was doing in the doctor's office waiting room. It's fine when he cleans up the balls or has consideration for people around him or does it in an open area where the risks are less. But when he won't clean up, won't keep his stick down, or runs around in crowds of people (particularly older people with hot coffee, like yesterday after church), it's a problem. And no matter what, he won't be reasoned with. Therein lies the problem. I'm not sure we could truly stop him if we tried (and if we did, would feel so restrained that it would cause more problems?), but how can we get him to understand that there's a time and place for everything, and when right now does not fit that criteria, that he just needs to stop? But like I mentioned earlier, once he gets something in his head, it is nearly impossible to redirect him. And even the times we manage to, I think we just try long enough that eventually his toddler nature kicks in and he's ready to move on anyway. But it makes almost everything impossible. Cleaning up is a tantrum, putting on a jacket is a tantrum, getting ready for dinner is a tantrum, going up for bed is a tantrum. And usually that involves screaming, crying, hitting, and kicking. Half the time I throw him over my shoulder like a potato sack because it's the simplest way to incapacitate him and move on, but even last night he took to punching me in the back when I did that.

I don't know if the violence is from watching sports, or if he's one of those kids that totally internalizes the spankings or hand slaps he's received and perceives it as okay to do back (as far as I remember I was too scared to even try that!), but it's definitely a problem. I've been trying to watch my own temper and cut out punishments like that completely--with some success--as it's obvious that he's modeling our "out of control" behavior by yelling and hitting back. And while we try, sometimes it just seems like a spanking or hand slap is the quickest and/or most emphatic way to express displeasure with what's going on. And you'd think that a bit of repetition on that--meaning, naughty action = discomfort--would eventually click in his head, but apparently not. Instead it tells him he should fight back. I spend most of his two minute time outs trying to sit him back on his bench while avoiding his swings at me. Last night Lori said that the Supernanny would be proud, but I feel like such a failure right now anyway! How did we raise our sweet little boy into the crazy child he is today? Where did we go wrong? And how do we fix it?

I feel bad that daycare is dealing with the same stuff, for so many reasons. He's my child and I'm supposed to love him (and yes, I do!) but they don't have to so I imagine it's hard to put up with his crap sometimes. It's also hard trying to keep the other kids from copying him. And considering how many kids they're dealing with at any given moment, I would have to think that behavior like that is not very convenient to take the time to deal with. We pay them well, however, and I know other kids have their moments as well. But I do worry when they talk about it and you just know from the sound of it that perhaps he's just a little more intense with this stuff than most kids. They told me flat-out the other day that they've never seen a kid this obsessed with sports (or probably anything else, I imagine). Making a kid like that work amidst other kids has to be a challenge.

The whole thing just makes me sad, especially because I know he CAN be a good kid. I have pictures at my desk at work with big, adorable smiles, and I want that kid to be waiting for me at the end of the day, not the one that screams and hits and kicks. I have a night like Friday and know he's capable of being normal, but wonder what goes wrong when he's not. Is it me? Is it something he's eating? Is he going to be bipolar someday? Does he have ADHD? Even some of his behaviors remind me of the kid with Asperger's on Parenthood (and yes, I know it's TV and I know the kid is considerably older, but the obsessions and tantrums are all too similar sometimes). It's scary. I'll probably take our doctor's advice and bring him in for a 2-1/2 year well visit. Since we don't have a copay and it's a crazy time developmentally, she suggested we do it even though some offices only do yearly checkups once kids hit age two. Hopefully then we can have a chat about his behavior and see if it's normal or a bit extreme. It's a sobering reality, though, to know that your kid is different. While it may not be different to the extent of a serious medical problem, at this point we just don't know yet. But after discussing things with his teachers this morning, I didn't know if I should feel relieved that it's not just us and take comfort in the comiseration, or if I should feel worse because it's becoming a wider reaching problem. It's tough either way and I just hope we figure out a solution soon. It's making me concerned about the "fun" we'll be able to have this Christmas, and how his issues could limit us. And even worse, I don't want the craziness of the season to make matters worse. It's so hard to know. Day by day, I guess...

Why?

Why won't Jacob listen? I know he's two and it's no two year old's strong point, but still...I have to think Jacob is particularly bad in that department. And now it's not just us who seem to have been tuned out. Daycare has been experiencing it more and more lately. I just don't know what to do.

Considering all of the ear infections he's dealt with recently, part of me wants to think he might have trouble hearing us sometimes. But we know he does hear us sometimes, too, and his speech is good, so I tend to think that's not his problem. He just doesn't seem to care. He's a selective listener, and it's really becoming a problem. Actually, there are a whole host of problems right now that are all converging and making him a nightmare to deal with on a regular basis. First, his obsession with sports is really starting to get to me. Yes, the goalie stance is cute, his skills are impressive, and while most kids choose a soft, snuggly lovey as their constant companion, Jacob instead loves his hockey sticks. That's fine. But he's constantly throwing balls around the house, and at daycare he uses everything as a piece of sports equipment, to the point that a play kitchen sauce pan is his lacrosse stick and every round piece of fruit is his ball. Yesterday he was using another play pan as a bat or something, and almost hit another kid in the face. It's so not cool when you get that report from daycare.

He's always hitting or fighting under the guise of being a "nasty hockey guy". And no matter how many times we explain to him that nasty hockey guys are naughty and have to sit in timeout in the penalty box, and try to explain that fighting is bad and hurts people, he keeps it up. I've been threatening that if he doesn't stop fighting and hitting, we're not going to hockey games anymore. You'd think that would be a motivator since he loves going, but so far it's had no effect. No amount of guilt about hurting people (his friends or us) or reminders that fighting is bad has any impact on him. Lately, I've been trying to teach him to keep his hands to himself. He's frequently touching me in less than loving ways (like poking me repeatedly when I brush his teeth or hitting me in the arm in the middle of dinner--either with his messy hand or a fistful of food), and there's just no reason for it. No matter how I try to tell him that he should keep his hands to himself, he just doesn't get it. We've tried timeouts for hitting--and because hitting is one of his problems, I'm trying to lay off spanking for now, with limited success. Sometimes he just does something so bad, with a smug smile on his face no less, and there just doesn't seem to be anything else but a spanking that will get the point across. But really, even that doesn't phase him sometimes. And the hitting continues regardless of the punishment. It's one thing to hit one of us, but when he hits his friends, it's so much worse. How is my skinny little kid such a bully?

Another problem is that he's definitely in a mode of saying "no" when we ask him to do completely reasonable things, like clean up the balls he's thrown all over the living room. Dinner time is a challenge a lot of evenings as well, as he spends more time playing with his food, scraping his fork on the wall, banging his fork on the table, or throwing things on the floor than actually eating. Tonight he actually sat in timeout twice--once during dinner and once right after. The first time he was throwing food on the floor and laughing, and the second time we was just being generally annoying...playing with his cup and fork, and bothering me. He gives us trouble every time we try to put on his coat, particularly in the morning, always collapsing to the floor in a heap or contorting to avoid our grasp. When we pick him up from daycare, it's more of the same, though he also tends to run down the hallway as well if we lose a grip on him for more than a second. Even worse, he'll sometimes take out (or throw) toys. I feel like the most incapable parent every single day when I'm there. Seriously. First he doesn't want to go to daycare, and then he doesn't want to leave. And I get it, really. He wants to hang out with us, so leaving home each morning is hard. And when we come get him, he's had a full day of fun and stimulation that he wants to share with us. And at the end of the day he gets to do other cool things, too, like look at the Pre-K's gerbils and turtles or watch the guinea pigs in another room. Once we're there AND he gets to do the cool stuff, things are perfect. But he knows the drill, so it seems like an every-single-day tantrum just isn't necessary. It's never worked, obviously, so why keep doing it?

We get resistance on almost anything these days. Sure, the tantrums are just an expression of his feelings, and I try to be sensitive to that. But the fact that he does them so often, despite not ever getting his way from them, perplexes me. However, I think what bothers us the most is that he does nasty things so purposefully. He will poke me with a smile on this face, happily drop his food on the floor, and laugh as he runs away. He knows those things bother us (or at least, he should based on our consistent negative reaction), and yet he happily does them. I'm sure people would say that he's just looking for attention, but I think we give him plenty of positive attention so he shouldn't need the negative stuff. And really, is a timeout or yelling the kind of attention he wants? The thing I don't understand, though, is when they say to ignore the kid when they're doing something wrong, to remove all attention. I understand the concept, but in practice I just don't get it. Am I just supposed to stand there and not say a word as he dumps his food on the floor or punches me in the stomach? How do I not give him attention but also appropriately punish him? If he won't sit for timeout, how can I ignore him then? Silence doesn't work with him either. On top of that, isn't it a risk that if we ignore him, he'll just do more bad stuff to try harder to get our attention?

This morning his one teacher said that some parents take away prized possessions as motivation to curb the behavior. We've done things like that before, like taking away his hockey sticks for the night. We're also trying the "no hockey game" threat, but I'm just not sure he gets it because that isn't working either. Maybe we need to take away his sticks for longer, but I'm afraid that he'll act out more because he's angry they're gone, or he'll do even more of the random-toy-as-sports-gear thing at daycare because he can't get any of it out of his system at home. I feel sort of stuck. It just keeps getting worse, and I'm not sure what to do to stop it.

Tomorrow I may try to make an appointment at the doctor's office. Jacob is nearly through a round of antibiotics for his ears, but he's still be complaining about it a bit. He said it at daycare yesterday, then brought it up again in a post-timeout chat tonight when I asked him why he was being so bad. Maybe it was just a diversion, but I figure we'll go get him checked and see if he needs more meds to get him well. And if he does, something tells me we're headed for tubes. But if it helps him be a happier child, so be it. And maybe the doctor will have some advice in the meantime. I'm getting desperate.

It's been a rough week overall, and Thanksgiving can't come soon enough. Four days with Jacob is a little scary at this point, but I'm hopeful it'll be something we all need.

I Wanna Drive the Zamboni...

Just a quick nugget today. I finally remembered to upload the picture of Jacob on the Zamboni. Not a great picture in general, but believe it or not this pretty much fulfilled a life-long dream of Jacob's. He loves Zambonis. So, it should be here :)

Quick Weekend Roundup

So, per my post on Saturday, it ended up being an odd weekend. While the potty training vibe wasn't quite as strong on Sunday, it certainly continued. Lest I get too confident, Jacob had wet pants when we got home last night. I'm not sure if he was just too tired to notice, or too lazy to mention that he had to go or that he was uncomfortable. Like I said before, I'm not expecting miracles...we still have a very long road ahead. Nighttime will probably be an issue for a while, and naps as well. Car trips are a crap shoot, I guess. Bedtime was uneventful. This morning he woke up with a full diaper, and initally he didn't seem too bothered by it, nor did he want to sit on the potty. But he quickly changed his mind, and when I went to pull his diaper off so he could sit, I noticed there was poop. And the poop promptly dropped off his butt and on to the floor. Lovely. Still, he managed a good round of pottying, and that was that. We'll see how things go this week. I'm still not convinced he understands "holding it", and I'm in no rush to go get big boy undies, but I suppose it has to move up the list a bit. Maybe next weekend we'll look into it.

Our weekend was fun, overall. We had a low key night on Friday, and then spent Saturday morning packing up to head to Buffalo to spend the weekend with Craig's family. We hadn't done that all together since Labor Day weekend, so it was long overdue. We did some running around once we got into town (hence the mall potty experience I mentioned Saturday), then hung out at Craig's parents on Saturday night with his brother's family. Jacob had a blast playing with his cousins, particularly since Craig pulled out a little hockey net for him to use. Here he is in action...and yes, I think we will be getting him a mini goalie stick for Christmas.



Sunday we had a pleasant surprise in that Craig's parents' church was holding a pancake breakfast. So off we went for pancakes! If I haven't mentioned, Jacob loves pancakes. I've starting making them for dinner once in a while (they're fast and I know he'll eat them!), and he just inhales them. He'd eat every single one, I think, if I let him. He also enjoys sausage. We don't eat those at home, but he gets them at daycare once in a while (they like breakfast for lunch), so I was happy to see that was part of the meal. Craig and I each got a plate and we figured we'd share with Jacob. Well, once we sat down, it was readily apparent that he was ready to eat. I cut up my whole plate and put it in front of Jacob before going up for a new plate for myself. Jacob ended up eating his entire plate--two pancakes and three sausage--plus a cup of milk. I ate less than he did!

It turned out that we were going to a birthday party for Craig's cousin's daughter, so we headed out on a shopping trip for that. Jacob fell asleep along the way, and then woke up in time for a quick trip inside the Hallmark store. Craig and his brother were looking around and I was chasing Jacob through the store. He ran up an aisle at full speed, and then suddenly I heard this sudden, terrified scream. Jacob turned on a dime with absolute terror on his face, and ran back toward me. All I can figure is that as he was running up the aisle, he saw a human-sized Santa. I think it's one of those animated ones that is made to look real, though this one wasn't moving. Regardless, I'm pretty sure it's what freaked Jacob out. He was super-glued to me for the rest of the time in the store, no matter how far away we were from Santa or how many cool things I tried to show him. He was so scared that he was breathing hard! I felt so bad for him because I don't know if I've ever seen him that scared, but I couldn't help but laugh. He's seen plenty of pictures of Santa, so I have no idea why this particular figure scared him so much. He wouldn't look up until we were out of the store. Poor kid. So much for going to visit Santa this year. Perhaps I'll have to warn daycare as well, since I think Santa is coming to visit in a few weeks. Yikes.

The birthday party was at a fun center--you know, the places with arcade games, big kid games, and a towering play area with tunnels and a big slide. We haven't done too much of that sort of thing, so I was interested to see how Jacob did. They had a few Jacob-friendly games, like a cool little basketball hoop shooting game that he was awesome at, and another couple that involved throwing balls. Initially we couldn't get him into the play area with the other kids, simply because he didn't want to take off his shoes. Jacob likes wearing shoes. He wants to wear them all the time. But after a while I guess he was interested, so he let me take them off, and off he went. His big cousin Madeline did great taking him through and helping him down the big slide a couple times. It was fun to see him having so much fun, and more or less independently, and hearing his shrieks of excitement! After about 10 minutes he was out and back to playing goal in front of the play area netting, which apparently was one big hockey net to him!

We did quite a few potty runs while we were there, with mixed success, and by the end of our time there he was getting difficult--running away, throwing things that weren't his--so it was a bit of a relief to get in the car and start working our way toward home. But all in all it was a fun weekend in spite of some odd sleeping patterns for all of us. Needless to say, we all came home pretty tired but generally happy. Monday morning brought with it the usual resistance against going to daycare (and quite frankly, despite putting a major pain of a project behind me last week, I was none too thrilled about heading to work myself, and I'm sure Craig was much the same). But we made it through and even took a trip back into the city tonight so Jacob could meet the Knighthawks' new goalie at a press conference to introduce him. He did, and only shot his lacrosse ball into a crowd once or twice ;-) We actually had a pretty good time, and fun when we were at home as well. Good night overall...thankfully. Just one more full week, and then a short week and before a couple days off...it's coming!

Potty Training Suprise

Warning: This post is all about bodily fluids. Discontinue reading if poop is not your thing.

Ok, so have I mentioned here that I didn't think Jacob would be ready for potty training for a while? I pondered doing it during my week off at Christmas, but we probably won't be home for a good part of it so I'm not sure that would work anyway. I had figured that we'd work on transitioning to a big boy bed during that week, and maybe I'd use some of my extra vacation days next year to do some intense potty training in the late winter-early spring, if he seemed ready. But then came this week.

Until now, Jacob had only slight interest in potty training. He'd sit on the potty if prompted, and sometimes he'd even pee. He didn't have a problem pooping, and even asked to poop once in a while if we happened to show up when he felt the urge. So fortunately, fear of the potty hasn't been a problem. He's fine with both potty chairs and big potties, and I think going at daycare has been a big help, as well. Peer pressure is a wonderful thing at this stage, for so many reasons. The big issue was that he didn't seem particularly bothered by dirty diapers. Once in a while a poopy one would get to him, but wet didn't phase him at all.

I'll admit that I'm a bit lazy about the potty training thing. While I'm getting to the point of not wanting to buy diapers, I still don't mind changing them. I like the convenience of not needing to stop every 10 minutes to find a bathroom, and I don't have any desperate need to run out and buy big boy undies (and do the associated laundry). I don't want to spend every waking moment taking timed trips to the bathroom, nor do I relish the thought of taking four extra pairs of pants and underwear along on every outing, just in case (and with my luck, at least one of those extras should be for me). Long story short, I wasn't in a rush. It'll be nice when it's over, but I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around the transition.

Already I've run into questions. How do I wipe a kid who clenches his butt cheeks? And is it possible to teach him to effectively wipe himself at this point? How do I get him to sit so he's pointing down into the toilet and not spraying back on his pants or on me? Is it going to set him back if I tell him to pee in his diaper in the middle of the Thruway so we don't have to stop? Once he's wearing big boy undies, what do we do if we can't find a bathroom right away? I have no memory of potty training myself, and only vague memories of post-potty training accidents. I just don't remember how it's supposed to work. And with a stubborn, one-track-minded child, I have no idea how much I can trust him once we start hardcore training with real undies. I did hear a suggestion to put the real undies under pull-ups. Uncomfortable wet feeling for him, no mess for me...well, assuming he goes #1.

So that brings us to this week. Suddenly he started whining a bunch about his diaper, wanting to change it, saying he'd pooped, and asking a lot to go to the potty. Sometimes he'd go, sometimes he wouldn't, sometimes his diaper was full, sometimes it wasn't. The signs were confusing, at least, so I couldn't tell if this was just a phase or if it was a real start of something. Maybe his diaper was bothering him for some reason. Maybe he finally decided he didn't like poop.

Last night he kept asking for a change even though his diaper was dry. I let him sit on the potty once and nothing happened, but then as I was cooking dinner (and Craig wasn't home yet) he gave me the look and said he needed to go potty. Sure enough, he put out a good poop. We did an awkward wipe and hand-washing, and I went back to cooking. By bedtime he was asking again, and he did a nice pee with a tiny little poop (he called it a "jelly bean"--he compares his poops to food, which is super gross). Today he's been asking a lot again, including multiple times on our trip to Buffalo and then an impassioned plea in the middle of the mall. Our first stop post-Thruway became a bit of a mess as he ended up somehow peeing all over his pants while on the toilet. The mall trip led us on a long walk through Sears to find the closest bathroom. Things went a little better at Craig's parents' house late this afternoon. I'm not going to say his diapers are all dry when we take them off, but they're close. So all of a sudden, he's doing well. I have no idea where this came from.

And, as I alluded to earlier, I wasn't ready for this. I am grateful for the fact he seems to be doing this all himself, because I don't think I'd have had the guts to push him for a while. If we hit his third birthday and we hadn't gotten anywhere, then yes...push away. But now? Nah, I figured he'd get there when he felt like it, and apparently he has. For now. I have a feeling it might lose its luster and he'll backtrack a bit, but maybe we'll get lucky. Even still, we have some matters to attend to now that this is happening. I need to go get some pull-ups, just because I have to think they're easier than diapers for frequent pee breaks. I am still a bit hit-or-miss with putting diapers on when he's standing up. I should probably move up my shopping trip for the big boy undies I was going to give him for Christmas. I want to put together a potty chart so he can earn stickers and eventually a prize. We also need to get a better stool for our bathroom. We have a tiny one I got at IKEA when Jacob was tiny, thinking it would be helpful for sitting on when bathing him and hoping he'd use it by this stage for potty training and handwashing. And I think it will be good in another year or so, but right now it's too short. We need something a little higher so he can get up to the potty alone (even though he does have the option of his froggy potty) and so he can wash his hands without me awkwardly holding him up to the sink. Eventually he can use it to brush his teeth, too. So that's moved up the shopping priority list by leaps and bounds this week. Finally, it looks like the big boy bed might have to move up the list a bit. He can't get out of his crib to use the potty, so once we're ready to conquer that step, I'd like to already be comfortable-ish with him being in a big boy bed so we're only jumping one hurdle at a time. And I only want to work on a big boy bed when I don't have to go to work in the morning and Jacob doesn't have to go to daycare. That way a disastrous night or two won't completely do us in. I'm still nervous about how we contain him once he's free to get up--not just for our sanity, but for his safety--but that's a post for another day.

I'm still pretty shocked at how this came out of nowhere, but with his big boy haircut and his sudden potty usage, it's looking more and more like we've got ourselves a big boy. Now if only we could lose those infantile tantrums, we'd be getting somewhere...but one thing at a time, I guess.

Three Years Ago...

Three years ago today, I found out I was pregnant. It's amazing to think that in one instant, our lives changed forever. And even though we had been trying, the pregnancy came as a huge surprise. My body was keeping us guessing, and up until the moment that test came back positive, I had no idea I was pregnant. Instead my brain floated around other less logical causes of my fatigue and general blah feeling. The test was just a last minute check before calling both my OB/GYN (to say that the cycle-regulating drugs hadn't worked) and my regular doctor (to find out why I was so exhausted)...but the only call I made after that test was to my OB/GYN to set up an "I'm Pregnant!" appointment.

I was alone when I took the test, and the simultaneous excitement and fear were something I can barely describe. It's this it's the greatest fear I've ever felt, cushioned by exhilaration. I suppose the two feelings canceled each other out to some degree, leaving me in a state of confusion and chaos. There were so many questions, so much to think about. What do I do now? Do I call a doctor? Do I call my parents? Do I hop online and figure out what I should or shouldn't be eating? When I told Craig he was obviously excited, as we'd been hoping to get to that point for a few months, but I'm not sure either of us really knew what to do next.

The month-plus that followed was ad odd time. I've said before that it was like living a double life. Out in public, I had to act completely normal, as if nothing was different. We didn't want to tell people until the first trimester was over (knowing how common miscarriages are early on), so I had to work and interact with people like it was any other day. But on the inside and when I was at home, pretty much everything revolved around being pregnant. I think the fact that I felt like crap for a good month or so was the hardest part. How do you hide the fact that you're exhausted and nauseous (though I never got sick...thank goodness!) all the time for weeks? It was especially hard on Thanksgiving. I was feeling horrible at that time, but fortunately that day I had a slight reprieve and managed to stay functional in the presence of our families. I ate like a pig, which was fun until the slow digestion I suffered from early on made it impossible to get a good night's sleep. But throughout that first trimester, fear was still a huge issue, and it was a good motivator to keep up the charade. The last thing I wanted to do was spill the beans early and then have to go back around and tell everyone bad news.

I felt bad not telling important people in our lives, but I was nervous enough for all of them put together, so it seemed easier to wait. Our trip to Florida in mid-December definitely made things that much more difficult. It swallowed up any time we would have had to go to Buffalo and tell family in person, and having to make excuses for why I didn't ride Space Mountain wasn't much fun either. I was nervous about flying, riding any rides, having a miscarriage while we were there, and feeling good enough to enjoy it. And add in that it was Christmas season and there were lots of preparations to be done with one less week to do them, and I'm surprised I even made it on the plane. The trip was fantastic, however. I felt good, we did some Christmas shopping while we were there, and saw all of Disney in the best weather possible. I missed out on my beloved roller coasters, but we still had a lovely time away. The trip back nearly killed me (wind in Orlando, and snow across New York--one canceled flight, two long delays, and a bumpy landing in the wee hours of the morning...not fun), but it was a great last getaway nonetheless. And once we were back, it was just another week or so until we could spill the beans.

I think one of the things that sticks out to me most about pregnancy in general was the simple knowledge that every day my body was doing something important. Even in those early days when I had no visible proof I was pregnant other than a Dollar Tree pregnancy test, I had a purpose each day--to treat my body as well as possible so that it could do its job to grow a baby. I loved that feeling, even if it was a daunting prospect. Even without much help from me, my body did this awesome thing, and you can't help but be amazed when you experience it. I could do nothing but sit on a couch all day, and my body still would have done something amazing that day. And I think that knowledge was extra important early on, when I didn't have a kicking baby or swelling belly to remind me of how special each moment was. It made even the toughest days that much more livable.

This time of year when the leaves are spent and it gets dark early, I'm sometimes taken back to that time three years ago when everything was so uncertain, so exciting, and so...different. Despite all of the unknowns, it was a simpler time when the "thing" we were so unsure about was safely concealed and easier to manage (in theory, anyway). Now that "thing" is living among us, and while we have a physical ability to impact his life, the questions still mount and the control is probably less than we'd like. But it's been an amazing ride these past three years, one I'd never give back for anything. And I look forward to doing it all over again...someday.