News & Notes, Weekend Home Edition

The big boys were off for the weekend to Pennsylvania, and Carter and I got a quiet weekend at home before spring break, Easter weekend, and more basketball travel after take over.  It was nice to have some down time before a couple challenging days.  My colonoscopy is Tuesday, so this weekend I had to discontinue nuts, seeds, and raw fruits and vegetables.  Monday will be the Mondayest of Mondays because I have to follow a liquid diet.  I picked up two flavors of jello, popsicles, Italian ice, Gatorade, juice, and chicken broth.  It's not going to be enough, but I'll do what I can.  Prep starts at 6pm.  I'm a little concerned given that my digestive pyrotechnics have now been going on for a couple weeks.  The good news is that this should catch or rule out anything major.  I've begun to suspect it could be a return of the SIBO I had years ago.  If so, I never got to this stage last time, but I do remember thinking some of the minor stomach pains I had a while ago were reminiscent of why I went to the GI back then.  My reflux has also spiked back up.  I was attributing that to the Zoloft because apparently that's a thing, but SIBO can contribute to reflux so if it was just ramping up then, it might make sense.  There seems to be about a six hour delay from when I eat to when things start happening early in the day, and that seems to be about when food would be exiting the small intestine, which I believe is where the overgrowth tends to be.  SIBO can also involve fat malabsorption, which could explain why I haven't been gaining weight despite my anxiety being under control and not exercising enough.  After I went on the Zoloft I gained back a few pounds that were likely anxiety weight, but I've held pretty steady at a time in life where I should be gaining, so it's interesting.  I mean, it could be that my body evolved to develop Celiac Disease, but I feel like I'd have more pain and I'm not sure the Imodium would have worked as well as it did last weekend.  I guess we'll see.  As much as I'm dreading it, I'm happy if it had to happen that the colonoscopy is now so I can get some answers and keep moving forward.  Of course, my cousin who had colon cancer just got diagnosed with cancer in his lung that likely spread from the colon, so that's weighing on me a bit.  And my high school classmate that got diagnosed a while ago is having a bit of a tough time since he caught pneumonia in the middle of his treatment.  It's scary stuff, for sure.  Oddly, in the midst of all of this, the stuff that was bothering me--namely my neck and back--are bothering me less right now.  Maybe I'm just distracted?  I've long had a theory that two different minor ailments don't ever seem to co-exist because one always distracts from the other, or the body is using its efforts to battle whatever needs the most attention so the other fades.  Of course, Thursday I started wondering if I had a blood clot since I had a giant knot in my calf and then I started having weird chest pain.  But I survived overnight (though I did wear compression socks) and the chest pain is gone and the knot is a little better, so who knows.  Bring peri-menopause into the conversation and there's probably endless weird things that could bother me on any given day at this point.

Interestingly, I'm wondering if SIBO could also be what Carter has.  I saw something that associated it with smelly bowel movements and gas, and that could also contribute to him not gaining as much weight as he should considering all he eats.  We know his isn't Celiac, and I think he'd be more consistently uncomfortable if he had a full blown intolerance.  The doctors at our pediatrician weren't worried about his blood work, but they did message me this week that we could do some follow-up testing (including some stool tests) near the end of the month.  They want to give the iron time to work first.  He's not liking the taste of the probiotic, but I'm glad we started it since the follow-up message mentioned that again.  The GI issues he had last weekend into early this week got a bit better for a few days, but ramped back up this weekend.  It could be that the Imodium I gave him (because he had state testing) just pushed it off like mine did for a couple days.  Hopefully he's OK and the original blood work was just a fluke, or there's an easy answer to all of this.

My Zoloft seems to be getting me through this relatively well.  Without it I'm pretty sure I'd be a complete mess, because between my stuff and Carter's it would just be adding more fuel to the fire of the last ten months.  There are all sorts of not-good places my brain would be going with these ailments.  But my meds have given me a mental break so the cumulative effects have lessened, and it's just keeping me calmer and more even-keeled even when I get worried.  Shockingly, I am managing well enough that I even had an extra short Zoom session with my therapist on Friday because I didn't have much to report aside from the health issues above.  I pretty much talked about how I wondered if my anxiety was contributing, especially initially, but ultimately aside from a couple moments here and there, I still feel pretty steady and not spiral-y.  Nervous, but not overwhelmed.  I just didn't really have anything else that she could help me with at the moment, though part of me wonders if I'm just too preoccupied with this to be thinking of anything else.  Regardless, we pushed off our next session to a month, and if that one is pretty basic, she might discharge me from a therapy perspective.  Honestly, if these health things could clear up, I feel like I'd have a whole new lease on life now that Jacob's stuff seems to have eased.  I've said before that there's probably no amount of anxiety meds or therapy that could make me better if something was wrong with me or my family, because the reality of that is so much more than just worrying about crap my brain makes up.  It's still so clear to me how the meds keep your brain on the tracks when the old you would derail with every new thought.  It helps you think through things logically, take action instead of just worrying, and not go down the crazy path automatically.  It sometimes feels like nothing short of a miracle.

In fact, this weekend I realized just how much it was helping me because I finally went and picked out a dehumidifier.  I had been putting it off since the last round of warranty absurdity, mostly because all of them have terrible reviews, the fire risk always concerns me, and I refused to have one shipped given the two non-working ones I already had received.  I'm still so annoyed that I have four sitting in my basement that will cost me a pretty penny to dispose of.  But I settled on a reasonably priced one and I bought an extra warranty so I should be good through three years no matter what.  I also called around on Friday to try to get our porch ceiling panels fixed after the wind took them out a few storms ago.  Of course, the first place wants to charge $270 for just an estimate (because they have to do research on which panels?) so I'm hoping another place is better.  I probably have one or two more to call after that, but I felt pretty impressed with myself for just getting it done when I thought of it.  Again, the magic of the Zoloft to weed out whatever was stopping me before was pretty amazing.  It was another to-do list weekend and I rocked it--and I even added stuff along the way.

Speaking of anxiety, remember back in June how I was panicking about the Dominican trip?  And then remember how a woman died at our resort while we were there and I freaked out a bit because that was one of my biggest fears?  Well, then about a month ago a college student disappeared at another Dominican resort, which was just down the beach from ours.  They presume she drowned when she did a drunken middle-of-the-night swim and got overtaken by a wave.  They did have some suspicion this could be another Natalee Holloway situation since she was there with a guy, but there wasn't any evidence either way.  I'm still annoyed her friends left her alone with him, regardless.  Then a couple weeks ago, the teenage son of a former Major League Baseball player died at a resort in Costa Rica.  Initially they thought it was food poisoning--either the illness itself, or maybe he choked on vomit resulting from it.  But they ruled out the choking and eventually determined it was carbon monoxide poisoning, likely from a utility room next door.  I feel like a lot of people die that way at resorts, actually.  Three young women just died that way somewhere else, too.  Usually it's either that, drowning, or alcohol poisoning from tainted bottles.  And then earlier this week, another one of my fears was validated when the roof of a popular nightclub in the Dominican collapsed on hundreds of people.  It was at a club in Santo Domingo and more than 200 people died.  I was terrified to go off-property to Coco Bongo, and while I absolutely appreciated the experience after it was over, I worried about something like that, as weird things seem to happen at international night clubs pretty frequently.  Usually it's fires with limited exits (which just happened in Macedonia a few weeks ago), or maybe gang violence.  This one hit close to home because it was a very similar venue to where we were, and in the same country, so whatever shoddy construction or code violations existed there, could probably have existed where we were.  It's been weighing on me a lot and I guess I feel luckier than ever that we came back unscathed (aside from COVID, anyway).  I look back fondly on my experience and would love to go back someday, but all of these things make me question the safety...even with the aforementioned meds filtering out the irrational stuff (although all of these things prove that not much is irrational).

Before Craig and Jacob left for the weekend, Craig was getting really into a social media trend of AI-created action figures.  He did a bunch for the Knighthawks that were super cute, and when he was having trouble sleeping on Thursday night, he made me one.

The beer is only because the picture he used was me at the Hofbrauhaus a few years ago, but otherwise, it's not half-bad!  My dad said my ankles are better than that!

I stopped at Aldi the other day and happened to find their LED string lights, which I had been on the lookout for once I found out they had a timer.  I had seen a post where someone put their lights into a glass egg and decided mine needed them, too.  They're only $2 each, and I could use them for other things too.  I loved the colors on the multicolored ones so I got one of those plus a white string, and it turns out the colored ones look super cool in my purple egg with all the rest of the mantel colors.

The green one got the white lights.  I love them both so much!

The mantel just makes me so happy and I'm already trying to decide how to keep as much of it as possible when Easter is over, at least until it's time for Memorial Day decor.

With Carter and me home for the weekend, I wanted to do something fun.  He really wanted to see the Minecraft movie.  It had terrible reviews but I figured for fans of the game it would still probably be fun.  He also wanted to go to McDonald's and get the Minecraft meal to get the collectibles, but I couldn't have sesame seeds or lettuce after Friday, so Friday night it was!  We went to our closest McDonald's, only to discover they were sold out.  I downloaded the app and started checking whether I could order them online at other locations.  It took about five tries but I finally found one on the other side of Greece that had them.  We ordered online and booked it over.  Fortunately, we not only got them, but we also got different ones and two of our top three choices.

A burger block and a french fry helmet, along with my Big Mac box

It was a fun little adventure and I always enjoy a good Big Mac.

Saturday started pretty lazy, as usual.  I dragged myself on the exercise bike since the weather hasn't been cooperating, showered, dressed, and made us lunch in time to get on the road for our movie time.  I decided to upgrade our tickets since we were doing a matinee.  I haven't been to a movie theater since before COVID, believe it or not.  Moviegoing has changed!  I figured this might be a fun movie to watch with either IMAX or 3D, and I figured the novelty of that might get me through if the movie was terrible.  I could get 3D for the same price as an evening show elsewhere, so I figured that was worth it.  We had super comfortable recliners and perfect seats about halfway up and smack in the middle.  

I don't know if the 3D was ultimately worth it, but it was fun.  And it did make it feel a little more real and interesting.  The movie was cute.  It was silly, of course, and I give Jack Black and Jason Momoa so much credit for not taking themselves too seriously.  It was a fun little adventure in the world I've been watching from afar for the last nine years, since Jacob started playing right after his first leg surgery.  We really did have a good time.  We finished off the night with BOGO pizza slices from Perri's, one of our old favorites.

As I mentioned, it was another to-do list weekend and I did a lot.  I cleaned the tub, paid a couple invoices, went to Wegmans for my prep supplies, did some family reunion follow-up, registered our new garbage disposal, did some laundry, called my GI doctor with a couple questions, got gas, and used my Kohl's cash on new socks and a new purse, since mine has been driving me nuts lately.  I'm trying to downsize and this one fit the bill for really cheap.  I cleaned up some mail, reduced some clutter, worked on my diamond painting (and was thwarted in my attempt to buy another--not only was it super expensive, but there's now a Trump tariff charge...yay), and tried to move forward a couple of the "Buy Nothing" fails from a couple weekends ago.  I also went to Walmart to replace the two pairs of pantyhose I destroyed this week and got a couple last Easter basket items, too.  I also snuck in a walk on the first beautiful day in a while, and took care of a couple minor things in my yard.  I feel very accomplished, but I feel like there's still so many things I need to do.  It truly never ends.  There's a meme out there about being shocked how much effort you have to put in to have a messy house, disorganized life, etc.  It's so true.  I feel like I do so much, but looking around it feels invisible because there's still so many things left undone.  I mentally scolded myself because I spent some of my limited remaining free time returning four bags of bottles and cans (almost none of which are mine) because they sit in my garage taking up space and I'm sick of moving them to take out the recycling tote.  I always give of myself and short myself time for my hobbies.  I want to make earrings but keep running out of time every single weekend.  Maybe Tuesday I can summon some energy to do that after I sleep off the anesthesia.

So, I just need to get through the next day and a half or so, then hopefully a couple days of work before a fun Easter weekend.  I'm looking forward to that, and hopefully (finally) some spring weather.  But I still can't quite get past Tuesday right now...first things first!

On the Road Again

This past weekend marked a return to travel basketball with Jacob.  As Craig's lacrosse season is still going (and actually officially got extended this weekend by clinching a playoff berth), I was on the hook for trip #1.  This year's schedule is much more focused on the northeast, so while we don't have to worry about flights, instead we have a lot of long drives!  Jacob is not really a fan of any sort of travel, so this is going to be interesting given that every trip is at least five hours long.

First up was Boston.  I haven't been to Boston since 2004 when the Rochester Rattlers were in the Major League Lacrosse championship weekend.  I traveled with a few of the staff since Craig went with the team.  We did stay in the same room, but I spent most of the time with the other staff members because he was busy with game stuff.  Unfortunately, we never really got to sightsee.  We went to the stadium (Boston University) for the game, went to lunch (my first Cheesecake Factory experience), and went out one night to a bar, but the closest we got to anything touristy was driving around past Fenway Park and Chinatown on our way out of town.  I knew we wouldn't really have much of an opportunity this time either (and Boston traffic was prohibitive anyway), so at least I set my expectations properly for this trip.  But if you recall from past trips, it kills me a little to go somewhere and have very little to show for it!  I'm trying to assure myself that at some point during this cycle we'll get to add in something cool, but we'll see.  

I wasn't looking forward to the 6.5 hour drive, especially since I haven't gone too far since my accident and going to a busy place like Boston made me nervous.  Complicating matters was that I've had some sort of intestinal distress for over a week.  My doctor didn't have many suggestions other than that it could be a virus or could be the Zoloft, so I just had to put my faith in the almighty Imodium for the weekend because I wasn't about to do a test run without Zoloft on a trip like this!  Thankfully the Imodium worked pretty well when I needed it--particularly on the drive.  Carter seemed to have the same issue over the weekend so it makes me think it might be something catchy--either that or we've both developed a similar intolerance at the same time.  Anyway, cranky body or not, I knew I had to step up and make this happen.  It looked like we were going to take another player with us, too, which wasn't ideal for a few reasons.  At first it was supposed to be one of Jacob's high school teammates, but apparently he wasn't able to go for this weekend so we ended up with another player, Amari, who Jacob has played with in past years.  I was a little surprised he needed a ride because his mom was always on other trips, but apparently there was some sort of miscommunication and the planning for him to go on this trip was last minute.  He would stay in a team room with other players, but he needed a ride.  I wasn't thrilled as I knew it would impact the conversations in the car, but of all the kids it could have been, he was pretty much the best case scenario--a nice kid from a good family, and Jacob knows him pretty well.  I was worried about having to be enough of a "cool mom" if it was someone I hadn't really been around before, but since his mom has traveled with him, I felt like that wasn't as weird for it to be me, rather than Craig who can be "one of the guys" and usually knows everyone better anyway.

Amari arrived at our house just before 11am as planned, and we quickly packed up the car and headed out.  My new car isn't quite as roomy cargo-wise as I might like, but it worked.  Four people might be a bit much, though.  Even still, I think the back seat is relatively comfortable for even a taller person (Amari is maybe an inch or two shorter than Jacob).  We'd probably have to ditch the suitcases and go with duffel bags or backpacks if we ever had more than three people.  Luckily the day of the drive was really nice--not super warm, but sunny and pleasant.  I knew the trip back would likely be rainy, so I tried to enjoy it.  And honestly, it was probably less painful than I thought it would be.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it was LONG, but I never got tired and it was interesting enough considering it was pretty much Thruway the whole way.  We stopped in Syracuse for lunch at Chipotle, and maybe once or twice more for bathroom breaks.  The boys chatted periodically, but a lot of it was them with headphones (I think Amari was watching stuff on an iPad) and me just enjoying my music.  Still, it was pleasant enough.  

I hadn't been out that way in a long time.  I can barely remember the last time I was even as far as Syracuse, let alone Albany or beyond.  Some of the landscape along the Thruway had changed, for sure, like all the new rest areas, one old house that I'm sure I'd previously admired that had completely collapsed on itself, a new welcome center...it was interesting.  Massachusetts had amazing rock structures on the sides of the highway that I didn't remember from past trips out that way (likely just that one Boston trip, a couple trips out to my sister-in-law's family, and maybe when we passed through Springfield for lacrosse years ago).  

It reminded me so much of the fake rocks in the Canada section at EPCOT!  I submit for comparison...

One notable interesting spot was going through downtown Providence, RI.  I didn't realize our path took us that way, but it was a really interesting city with lots to see.  I wish I wouldn't have been contending with rush hour traffic at the time but I caught a couple blind pictures.  Our hotel was quite a bit south of Boston, way closer to Providence and not too far from Cape Cod.  The gym was a full hour away, which was less than ideal.

Providence State House

Providence as we crossed the Providence River

We got to the hotel, checked in, and bid Amari farewell for the night, as he was off with the rest of the players without parents.  Jacob and I debated dinner for a bit and eventually decided on 110 Grill.  There weren't a lot of good, local, gluten-free places that had good reviews in the app we use, so we went with one that's usually pretty reliable.  I forgot that Massachusetts is full of them, so that was a pleasant discovery.  It was only 10 minutes away, which was even better.  We had a really nice dinner with some interesting conversation, although they almost screwed up his burger.  They're usually SO good with the allergy stuff and somehow almost brought him a non-GF bun.  They caught it, but he did have to wait a little longer.  But in the end we both really enjoyed our meals.  We headed back to the hotel and had a quiet night before settling in.  

We had to leave around 9am the next morning, so at least we didn't have to be up crazy early.  We had a quick breakfast at the hotel, but I was a bit disappointed with the offerings considering it was a Hampton Inn and they used to be revered for their breakfast.  They had no yogurt, which is usually a sure-thing at every hotel breakfast for Jacob.  He tried to eat some eggs and sausage, but he wasn't too excited about it.  Amari went with their coach for that drive, so it was just the two of us and time for more good conversation (I'll get more into what about later).  In fact, he was almost disappointed when we got to the venue because he preferred the car ride.  Some of that might have been anxiety about playing--he wants to play but I think the fact that it's been so long, that he barely trusts his body, and that he just prefers playing regular old high school basketball was messing with him a bit.  After I dropped him off, I had a bit of an adventure of my own.  I was going to get gas and coffee, but didn't have a chance to put Dunkin' in the GPS before someone beeped at me, so I just had to turn and it sent me on this crazy roundabout route to get to a Dunkin' that would have been a couple minutes away if I'd turned the other way (not to mention that there was one in the direction I was going just a couple minutes after where it had me turn!).  And then when I went to get gas, there were at least two stations (one of which I actually pulled into) that were full service, and I wasn't down with that.  I started worrying Massachusetts was like New Jersey where you couldn't pump your own, but I kept driving up and down the road and finally found a place to turn around and eventually a station that was self-serve.  I just don't know the etiquette around that so that was a no for me!  I finally got back to the venue and luckily sat there in the parking lot for a bit because they didn't want outside coffee in the venue (although I saw LOTS of people with it).  Oh well.  It was a large venue with eight courts, a cafe, a full arcade, and a soccer facility.  There was also a bunch of stuff outside, like mini golf, and I think some other businesses in the building.  It was a pretty massive place.  

Game one didn't go quite as planned.  First games of the year are always a crapshoot--it takes time for kids to learn to play together, and also to adjust to the speed and style of play, which is usually much better than their high school teams.  The team just wasn't hitting their shots, Jacob included.  He got shut out and his team lost by more than 30 points.  Definitely not the start anyone was hoping for.  Amazingly, Jacob wasn't too down-in-the-dumps.  I think he had faith that eventually things would click for him.  I thought it was sweet that his high school coach, who was coaching another team in our group, reminded Jacob's coach that it was only his third game back and that he really hasn't played consistently in months.  I really appreciated that.

Game two was another team struggle, and Jacob was much the same until the second half when he finally started hitting his shots.  He ended with 12 points in another 30+ point loss.  But it was so good to see him finally get back on track!  Have I mentioned how big he looks out there now?  My once scrawny kid looks big and broad and strong in addition to being pretty tall.  He's really worked hard on his strength training while he's been recovering, and it shows.

Amari decided to go back with the coach after that game, so that meant Jacob and I were free to go to the Wahlburgers that wasn't too far from the venue.  That was much better than driving an hour each way again, because I don't think Jacob was going to let us leave town without going to one!  Jacob loves Wahlburgers and this was the original location.  No celebrity sightings, sadly, but it was a nice spot.  It was pouring rain, unfortunately, so we couldn't really appreciate the area it was in (a nice, walkable retail complex).  But our meals were so good, as usual.  

We headed back to the hotel after that to chill out for a while.  We ate around 3pm, so if we were doing dinner it wouldn't be until later.  We had considered going to an IKEA that was along our route because Jacob wants to start scouting furniture in case we go the extreme route of getting him an apartment in order to change schools next year (it's a long story and it seems pretty insane to me, but I'm being assured we could make it work).  But the longer we were in the room, the more Jacob decided he was content hanging out and relaxing.  He did a bunch of his usual treatments since his body was pretty tired.  This was my job for part of it--holding the band while he flexed his foot.

We eventually did head out for a late dinner at Jersey Mike's, which was really about the only option other than Chick-fil-A, which isn't high on Jacob's list right now.  It was still pouring, which made for a pretty miserable outing.  Thankfully it was in the same area as the 110 Grill from the night before, so I had an idea of where we were going.

As I alluded to earlier, Jacob and I had some deep conversations when we were alone--in the car, the hotel room, and at meals.  Jacob had been listening to a podcast by Christian singer Lecrae, featuring a Christian pastor talking about dating and marriage.  If I haven't mentioned it, Jacob is very eager to find the right girl ASAP.  He wants to get married while IN college and is planning his college picks around his likelihood to find a wife.  Now...trust me, I have tried to ease him down a bit, explain why getting married and having kids young is hard and the pitfalls of just wanting to get married so bad that you settle, or being so focused on sexual purity that you rush things or end up letting hormones make some bad decisions.  I've been through the Christian purity culture and there were a lot of damaging parts of it.  It felt oddly vindicating when the author of the book that was sort of "gospel" on that front, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", renounced the whole thing years later.  I mean, I appreciated the guidance, but there was so much guilt and shame in that whole culture that it definitely warped my faith a bit at the time.  Anyway, Jacob is really into traditional gender roles and things like that, so he has this very clear picture of how he wants his relationship path to play out.  It's...a lot.  The podcast was interesting and (mostly) full of good advice and food for thought, but I took issue with a couple things.  There was one part where he was talking about "trauma dumping" too early in a relationship--that you shouldn't share the really tough baggage until way later, and in fact shouldn't even do really intense prayer with someone you're not married to because it can cause a lot of imbalance, and even a savior-type mentality within a relationship.  They argued it's just too intense and should only be within a marriage-level commitment.  I get it, but at the same time I think that could lead to feelings of "I don't even know this person" if what comes out is too serious.  Jacob asked me when Craig and I did our "trauma dump", and I explained that we never really needed to because a) we had pretty decent lives with minimal drama; and b) we were friends for well over a year before we started dating, so we sort of incidentally knew from casual conversation about each other's baggage, which were primarily problematic relationships--my worst was one Craig got to witness, and his was a long-term one with a lot of emotional abuse that I was telling him to get out of, long before I had any interest in him, just because I could see how damaging it was.  Jacob was sort of stunned when I said we never had that, and it evolved into this conversation about how he feels like he has a lot of trauma or emotional baggage that he'll have to share with a partner some day.  I was a little surprised to hear that.  Unfortunately, he wouldn't really go into detail because he felt like it would upset me if I knew all of it.  It's somehow tangentially related to basketball and also to his inability to form strong relationships, but he wouldn't really clue me into the details.  I suggested he talk to his therapist about it, but he said that he felt he could only talk it through with a pastor.  He first said he wasn't ready to do that, though, but by the end of the night he said he actually wanted to tackle it ASAP.  I promised I'd call church on Monday, which I did.  It was a little weird trying to explain to his pastor of choice that he wanted to talk about something I wasn't really privy to, but sure enough, it was helpful.  Jacob appreciated the conversation and said it shifted his mindset and helped him deal with whatever he was struggling with.  

I'm still not entirely clear on it all, but it sounds like he just has a lot of regrets about who he was in the past and needed some guidance on how to leave that person (and maybe some guilt) behind, in order to be in a better place when the right relationship presents itself.  He said that the pastor reminded him that baptism isn't just washing off the dirt once, it's the holy spirit working in you and continually flushing out the sin.  For whatever reason, that seemed to help him.  It's pretty deep stuff for a 16-year-old and was not exactly the conversation I was expecting to have.  As tough as it was, I guess I'm glad he shared that and we can help him move forward.  He's such a good kid and I could tell this was weighing on him a lot.  I feel bad, maybe like I've failed him in some way with relationship building.  I explained that so much of our time parenting him was spent in survival mode, and while it wasn't his fault, we just didn't have the experience with a difficult kid to even know where to begin.  I feel like now there are so many more resources for stuff like that, and hindsight has given me a lot of insight (and guilt) over where I should have done better.

I can't help but wonder if his approaching prom date is pushing him to think about some of these things.  I don't think the girl is really a dating prospect--especially considering his criteria is pretty elite these days--but I think it's making him think about future relationships and where he needs to be to make one work.  The prom thing is going to be interesting.  He got his suit yesterday and he's pretty excited about it all.  I finally got to see a picture of his date when he showed Amari at lunch on Friday (although I had to BEG to see it), and she will be stunning, I'm sure.  Of course, this has him a bit preoccupied with the state of his complexion again--he's desperate to treat his acne and clear up his face.  I'm trying to get him into the dermatologist, but they're all booked up.  I asked if they could just provide some advice on products or a prescription since he's in the same boat he was in last time he was there and the solutions they suggested didn't work.  I'm trying to stop him from running to the store with ChatGPT suggestions and buying a bunch of products that may not be right for him.  I hope we can figure something out.

Anyway, all of our tough conversations seemed to bring him down a bit.  I don't think it was a terrible thing--in fact, it's probably good we worked through it--but it was definitely weighing on him heavily.  He struggled to go to bed that night, which wasn't ideal since we had to be up really early.  My alarm went off at 6am, and it was a struggle to get out on time, especially with having to pack everything up.  I only had time to grab a bagel and a banana, and I had the horrible realization that the bottled coffee I brought with me to save a couple bucks and avoid another stop if we were crunched for time completely froze in the hotel fridge.  I think I had another flash freezing episode like I did in Oklahoma City because I didn't notice my water was frozen either, and when I went to dump it in my reusable bottle, it was slush!  Sigh.  It took until 1pm that afternoon for the coffee to be drinkable, which was maybe a happy accident as I didn't have even a hint of tiredness on the long drive home after that!

The last game was against another 0-2 team, so it felt like we had a shot.  This game was much more evenly matched and went back and forth quite a bit.  Jacob got on the board early, and it was great to see him picking up where he left off the previous day.

He hit a couple early and then needed a rest.  It was a rough game--the other team was really handsy and was all over them at all times.  At one point Jacob got called for a travel when in reality he just bent over to dribble while another guy jumped up to block him and ended up rolling over his back.  The refs weren't great--they complained about the other team's rough tendencies but barely called fouls and should have given their coach a technical foul at least once, but didn't. 
 

Jacob hit two foul shots and a couple more threes late to pull his team into contention.

It was a nail-biter down to the last second, but they won by two!  It felt really good to beat that team and even better that Jacob scored 17 points!  That was what I like to see!  

The team had a quick meeting before we dodged more torrential rain back to the car and headed out.  We stopped down the road at Jersey Mike's (yes, again) for the boys to get some food before we got on the road.  The first part of the drive was so rainy and miserable.  Google Maps kept flagging areas for having low visibility reported, and it wasn't lying.  It was pretty awful, especially because I much preferred using my cruise control (it's so fancy on this car, adjusting the speed when there's a car in front of you!), but I don't use it with wet roads.  I think the rain started to ease about halfway through Massachusetts, and the roads dried out shortly after.  We made one bathroom stop in Massachusetts, and then as we were approaching Albany Jacob said he had to go again.  So we stopped just outside Albany, at which point I got also gas and grabbed a late lunch to go since I wasn't hungry when the boys ate and the first rest area didn't have any good options.  Thankfully the rest of the trip had pleasant weather--sunny for part of it, then a few more clouds on the final stretch.  It definitely felt much longer on the way back, especially because the boys weren't talking AT ALL.  Tired, I guess?  I had been planning on stopping outside Syracuse just to stretch the legs and grab a drink, but no one else needed a bathroom break so we just kept going and did the last 3-1/2 hours non-stop.  I was so happy to be out of the car when we were done, but all things considered, it wasn't bad.  I kept thinking about my back-to-back 8-hour drives on the way back from Missouri and acknowledged that another hour and a half would have been pretty awful, but this was manageable.  And guess what?  We get to do another one of the same length in three weeks!

As a whole it wasn't a bad trip.  We argued less than usual and Jacob came out of it unscathed.  He scored some points and got back in the groove a bit.  We had safe travel, my body mostly cooperated, and it wasn't a painful trip.  I don't know how I'll feel about the next one, but I'm thankful I have a couple weeks to recover while Craig handles this weekend's trip to Pennsylvania.  

Last Hurrah?

Carter had the day off school last Friday.  He always has a random Superintendent's Day near the end of March, and we've usually used it to do something that's too busy to do during area-wide school breaks.  At least a couple years he's ended up at the Rochester Museum and Science Center.  I had mentioned it as a possibility this year mostly because there was a cool Lego exhibit and I thought that might be fun, if nothing else.  I know that he's aging out rapidly and as a result he was only lukewarm to the idea, but I figured it might be one last hurrah to usher out that phase of life.  I sweetened the deal with breakfast and lunch of his choice, and then he was cool with it.  Breakfast was more because our first order of the day on Friday was getting his blood work done.  As I mentioned in my last post, we had made the decision to move forward with testing him for Celiac Disease.  His skinny physique and the struggles with the skin around his mouth had both made us wonder, but he wasn't really having any GI symptoms, so the doctor wasn't convinced.  I ultimately didn't go through with it last year because I was trying to measure what was my anxiety vs. a legitimate worry, and once he was able to gain some weight, I was less concerned and didn't want to put him through an unnecessary blood draw as that's been a major phobia of his.  But more recently, the people with working noses in our house have noticed that certain GI activities of his have been a bit smellier than average, and that's yet another possible symptom of an intolerance.  So, at this point it felt important to just get it over with.  If it was positive, we'd figure it out and get him healthier, and if it wasn't, we'd have some peace of mind and possibly explore a couple other things, like maybe probiotics or something.  He did amazing with the blood draw, especially considering when he was a toddler he once punched a phlebotomist and also screamed bloody murder to the point that the waiting room people looked at us in horror when we walked out.  He has mostly gotten over his needle phobia now, even skipping the freeze spray he's gotten for shots over the years.  He didn't even flinch!  Of course, I was super annoyed when I figured out that I wasn't getting results because I lost access to his medical information when he turned 12 because of privacy laws.  That meant a whole additional weekend of not knowing any carrying around that worry.  I was even more annoyed when I went through Monday with no word from the doctor's office.  MyChart did get back to me later in the day that day, but I needed to call them with Carter present and didn't see that until 15 minutes before they shut down for the day and I wasn't home with him.  Ugh.

Anyway, because he got blood work done and had to fast, I offered up a fun breakfast.  He picked Taco Bell, much to my delight because I love their Cinnabon coffee that comes with the breakfast meal.  I figured a big breakfast would also give us more time at the museum before needing lunch.  We came home so he could eat his breakfast, and then shortly after headed back out because we also needed to get the museum done before a certain time when Jacob would need to be picked up.  We had to first stop at the library to pick up the BOGO pass for the museum.  That's the only thing that made what I figured would be a shorter visit worthwhile, since admission is up over $20 now!  Of course, it figures that the library I picked was randomly closed for the day!  So, the next best option was the same sketchy one in the city we had to go to last time we used that pass.  I should clarify, the library is not sketchy--it's actually sort of sweet and old-school homey, the kind of place you imagine a city kid finding some peace in a quiet corner where they fall in love with books--but the neighborhood very much is.  But it was fine, we got our pass, and off we went.

It was a much more abbreviated visit than our past ones, but that was okay.  We felt fine skipping over some things we've done before or avoiding field trip crowds.  We did a lot of "drive-bys" of certain areas, just making sure there wasn't anything new that we needed to see.  Carter has definitely outgrown quite a bit, but we still had fun.

This was new since the last time I was there.  Well, it was there but set up differently and definitely not lighted like this.  It looked so cool.

Unfortunately, our favorite canal lock model wasn't working quite right, but we tried!  I have such a better appreciation for this since we took that canal boat tour years ago and experienced the locks first-hand!

My big kid in a barrel chair...

...and on the pirate ship!  He was trying his darnedest not to smile for this picture because I'm pretty sure I was embarrassing him, but I got him!

Had to take a selfie with this big guy...

I will always have a special affection for old-school dioramas at museums.  I know they're not nearly as captivating as all of the electronic, hands-on stuff museums have now, but I still think they're cool.  I had never really noticed the odd life form in this aquatic one--what is that long, skinny creature?!

And every museum needs some bones and some taxidermied animals.  This guy is always pretty cool.

I liked this Bills hat in the (new-to-me) Native American display that was under construction last time I was there.

I always liked looking at the rocks in a pair of display cases, but sadly a lot were off exhibit this time.  But I thought this one was cool.

Seeing a wampum belt was fun since Carter learned about them a couple years ago in school.  That whole unit (the one that included building a working lacrosse game) definitely stuck with him.

We played around with the section focused on sound, and then had some fun in the optics/light room...

We also stopped by my favorite, the blob of magnetic iron filings...

After that we headed up to the top floor for the Lego exhibit.  It was really impressive, as usual.  This one featured a bunch of animals and shared how many pieces they took and how long they took to build.  Most were between 200-600 hours and tens of thousands of pieces.  That is dedication, for sure.

I loved this lizard!  So colorful!

Carter pretending to pet the buffalo (and its baby)

The physics alone of this one were impressive!

Carter for scale with the tree frog

This is a pangolin, and the detail on the rock and his tongue of a bunch of bugs was pretty cool.

This bee was giant and a little intimidating from this angle!

It's hard to tell here, but this one was so long!  I bet it was nearly six feet!

This Venus fly trap was huge and super impressive.

One even had the fly!

Even the sponsor and artist were Lego-fied! 

We even got photo proof that Carter is just a couple inches behind me!  And 160 Lego bricks high!

This whole mural was Legos, too.

My monkey... :)

It was a pretty neat exhibit.  I probably preferred the artsy one we saw in Buffalo back in 2019, but it was still really cool.

We headed back down because Carter wanted to do his favorite flight simulator one more time before we left.  We ended up having to wait through a couple kids, but he finally got a chance.  

We headed out and stopped at Little Caesar's for his lunch of choice.  They have these new crazy puffs and he's been begging to try them.  We opted for a pack of those and a pizza that was half pizza, half cheesy bread.  Pretty cheap and all good!  I had to eat fast, though, because I had to run out and pick up Jacob.  But in the end, it was a pretty good day and I'm glad we had one last trip to the museum before he's too cool for it...or me!

On Tuesday, Jacob had his GI follow-up and we also had the boys' routine med checks.  Jacob's appointment went well.  Most of his symptoms have decreased significantly, and the nurse practitioner was happy with where he was at with going off the iron.  She did prescribe a different reflux med that I think is more for when he's having an attack (which has been much rarer), rather than a daily med.  She was happy to hear we were looking into anxiety meds, as that could help him, as well.  So overall, that went well and I think put his mind at ease--aside from his blood pressure, which still sits a bit high these days (but not as high as it once was).  At the med check, we were finally able to get Carter's test results.  The doctor mentioned his iron was low, which I sort of knew, and we'll be supplementing for a bit.  He also mentioned a couple things were a little high, but didn't seem too concerned about those as they can fluctuate if your body is fighting off something.  However, the Celiac numbers were perfect, so he does NOT have Celiac Disease...woohoo!  That was great news.  He was very relieved and already started planning his next visit to Raising Cane's...haha.  

On the way home from the doctor, I called the MyChart number since I had Carter in the car, and we got my access restored by the time we got home.  So, of course, I hopped on to see the results myself, and immediately I got a bit concerned.  His white cells were just a bit high, but his sedimentation rate and CRP were both high.  Both are related to inflammation in the body.  The upper normal for CRP is a 3 and Carter's was over 30!  That was alarming, especially because we really didn't have an answer for the smelly GI situation or his skinny physique.  He hasn't really been sick--maybe some sniffles and I think he had a touch of loose BMs a little over a week ago--but that the level was that high freaked me out.  I messaged the doctor back asking if there was more testing or anything we should be doing in the meantime, given that there wasn't an immediate explanation for it.  Apparently they had multiple providers look at it and they weren't concerned, but it still freaks me out a bit.  So, I guess we just keep an eye on him?  We're supplementing with iron and added in a probiotic for now, so I guess we'll see how that goes.  It seems like the low iron could cause inflammation itself, I think we're going to retest in a few months, but you can bet that if anything comes up as suspect in the meantime, I will be knocking on their door again rather quickly.  I've been grilling him a bit to make sure there aren't any other aches or pains or ailments he's not telling me about.  It's like when his swollen face/jaw was at its worst and I was staring him down every day and asking lots of questions. I might be doing that again for a while here.  For the record, I think the other side of his jaw is still a little more swelled from the resurgence a few weeks ago, but it's definitely not as bad as the first round.  For all I know that could be causing inflammation, or maybe we'll find out the iron is enough to rectify things.  There's a whole host of things that iron impacts, so I guess we'll see.  Even still, I found it ironic that we got the all-clear on one kid and two hours later I was freaking out about the other one.  It's just relentless.  

As a side note, it's been tough to tell how my anxiety has managed through all of this.  I did take a couple days of klonopin to get through the worrying about the test results and then the subsequent inflammation concerns.  I wasn't spiraling, but I was thinking a lot and wasn't perfectly calm either.  My GI stuff has been off-kilter for about a week and I wondered if all of this was contributing to it, but it's hard to tell.  The serious stomach gurgling that was audible to anyone nearby has eased, but nothing's really making it through in solid form.  At least it's not painful, but I didn't really want a cleanout until my colonoscopy in a couple weeks.  I did go to the doctor today, especially since I have to be on the road this weekend, and she didn't have a lot to offer.  It might be a virus and go away or it might be a side effect of the Zoloft (which I could test out if I felt brave--definitely don't this weekend), but that might go away too if my body is adjusting.  I could try a BRAT diet for a bit (but not ideal when traveling), or if it's something more it will likely get either figured out or simply reset in a couple weeks.  I guess it's good I'm not in pain, losing weight, or too weak, but it's definitely not ideal.  A few days of Imodium will no doubt be on tap.  If it isn't one thing, it's another.

So, on to basketball season we go...

Back to the Little Things

During the pandemic, I found myself living for all the little things.  We didn't have a lot of "big things" happening since we rarely left the house and didn't go to many gatherings, so we perked up our days with little things--slushies, baking cookies and bagels, spring flowers and warm weather runs, dinner takeout once a week, and the simple joys of game nights, movie nights, socially distanced outings, or Zoom happy hours pretty much got us through some days.  It got to the point where I felt like we had to rein in the "special" treats because they weren't very special anymore, since we did them all the time.  Lately I feel like I'm back in that mode, latching on to little joys to get me through when everything feels a little blah or bleak.

I'm not entirely sure why it's happening, because things clearly aren't as dire right now as they were mid-pandemic.  Most days I feel pretty even-keeled--maybe not over-the-top positive, but not down in the dumps either.  So why do I feel like these little joys are getting me through again?  My best guess is that because my brain isn't completely consumed by anxiety, it's noticing other things and taking joy in them again.  Theory #2 is that there are still a handful of things causing me varying degrees of concern, and my defense mechanism is my brain distracting itself with other things.  It's sort of like when everything feels out of control and I feel better after organizing a closet because it gave me control over something, but in this case it might be beauty or simple pleasures in the midst of the muck.  While I'd like the reason I'm doing this to be the first option, my suspicion is that it's more the second one.  My anxiety doesn't spiral like it used to, but it doesn't mean the problems don't exist--they sort of just sit there festering and my brain evades them as much as it can until I can't ignore it anymore.  This past week was a bit tougher mentally.  My body was doing a few oddball things again, and it was enough to make me consider taking my rescue med klonopin more than once, which I hadn't done at all since I eased off the dose I was on early in this process.  My digestion was off again, my neck was still sore, and I started waking up again at night and not falling back to sleep.  I think some of the not sleeping had to do with deciding to finally get Carter tested for Celiac Disease.  Of course, I realized the day we did it that when he turned 12 I lost access to most of his medical stuff online.  It's a state law meant to give kids in bad family situations some autonomy, but for regular old families, it's a pain in the butt.  I hadn't figured out how to get his consent documented to regain MyChart access before the weekend, so none of his results came through.  I'll hopefully figure that out this week, but we have a doctor appointment before that so hopefully they can clue us in to the results.  But that whole situation was weighing on me a lot, and when it entered my brain at night, it was hard to get it back out.

But in between worries, I was still really appreciating my refreshed Easter decor and my new earring holder, and particularly enjoyed a really good coffee Friday morning and the couple walks I got in during the week.  I was just sort of irrationally excited about it all, to the point I wanted to post about things on social media but knew I probably needed to draw the line there because it was pretty much just stuff I would care about.  I was also overly proud of myself for getting in touch with our plumber to get a couple things taken care of.  For reference, I had been putting off getting in touch with him since the fall, when our garbage disposal started leaking.  I contacted him and then never heard back and it got awkward, and then the anxiety took over and I just couldn't be bothered after that so we just haven't been using that side of the sink very much.  But then we had a pipe start to drip in our basement and that obviously got things moving again.  House adulting is not my strong suit, so that was progress to get on that quickly.  I'm still feeling oddly motivated to call to get our wind-damaged porch ceiling fixed, too--maybe this week.  

Oh, and remember last weekend when I was so excited that I finally got the long-awaited black boots?  Well...the other day I went to wear them with a dress for work and absolutely hated how they looked with it.  I tried on a couple other things, and it was no better.  I think they were just a little too tall and it was throwing my proportions off.  I was so bummed!  I had bought them with a 40% off coupon so I was worried I wouldn't find anything else that cheap and felt like I was destined to be right back at square one for another year.  Fortunately, Kohl's had just transitioned to an additional 50% off clearance, so I decided to run there after work that day (with my dress on, I wasn't taking any chances) and try to find the other boots I had considered.  I was worried they wouldn't be there after all those days of extra discounts, or if they were, that I wouldn't like them with the dress either.  But sure enough, they were right where I left them.  I tried them on side-by-side with my old ones and they really weren't that different aside from less of a heel and a rounder toe, but they were so close.  I did one more sweep and tried on another pair that wasn't quite right, so it made my decision pretty clear.  And with the extra percent off, they were going to be even cheaper than the other ones!  Once I settled on that, I remembered that there were a couple things on the clearance racks the previous weekend that I was tempted to get, but held off because I didn't really need them.  Well, because they were now an additional 50% off (and I got my $5 Kohl's cash back), I decided to see if those things were still around.  All but one thing was, and in the end I got the boots plus three additional shirts, all for only a dollar more than I spent on the original boots!  I got a simple short-sleeved green t-shirt (one of the few colors I didn't have) for $2.50, a long-sleeved green t-shirt with gold Christmas trees and stars for $1.50, and a green (yep, all three, not on purpose) tunic hoodie sweater that's identical to the cozy pink one I bought a few weeks ago and LOVE, for less than $9.  The holiday shirt was the wildcard--I'm not really into holiday-themed clothes, but it's festive and a more modern print, more classy than cheesy, and for $1.50 it will be a nice option for holiday days at work or even a comfy, festive shirt for Christmas Day.  But again, I was irrationally excited about my finds and they made my day.  

Right before that shopping trip I gave myself permission to stop at Target and buy something I told myself I wouldn't.  They had blown glass Easter eggs this year, and you know how I am with glass!  I had seen the big one a couple weeks ago but knew I didn't want to take on that one.  But then I saw our store had the set of two smaller ones in stock, and if I used Target gift cards I'd been holding on to for months, they'd be really cheap.  I figured they'd be a nice addition to my mantel and maybe my living room cube shelves, and I just knew that it was another little thing that would bring me a little extra joy, so I let myself do it.  And I do love them.

After all of that (and a day off Friday that I'll get into in my next post), I spent most of this weekend trying to clean my house.  It had gotten pretty grubby and cluttered, and it was driving me nuts, especially because the plumber is coming Tuesday and I didn't want it to look like the hoarder house, you know?  But getting Jacob to clean anything is exhausting, and it took lots of asking to get anything done.  He did neaten up his usual pile of sneakers, school stuff, clothes, and basketballs, which was a huge help.  That alone made us look much more functional.  The living room coffee table still needs some work, but it's progress.  I spent most of Saturday doing every little project around the house, probably to put off the inevitable dusting, vacuuming, and Wet Swiffering that I dislike so much.  The decluttering is much more rewarding.  I switched out Carter's hand-me-down bin, changed my sheets (flannel is too hot for me right now), thought through a couple reorganization projects, posted a bunch of stuff on the Buy Nothing page that I've been meaning to post for months, and finally cleared out a dumping spot in my room that included the diamond painting I've been holding on to for almost five years.  

Remember how I did a diamond painting at the beginning of the pandemic?  I coincidentally happened to start it the week before everything shut down, and it provided a really nice distraction for the first three months.  It took me at least a couple years to get it framed and hung over my bed, but I always loved it and wanted to do more.  Right around the time I finished the first one, I ordered another one.  Because it was coming from China in the middle of the pandemic, that didn't go particularly well.  It took months to finally show up, and I think between wanting to save it for cold weather, getting back to normal life, and a typically busy dining room table (we had a puzzle phase for a while, Carter still does homework there, and holidays tend to fill it up, too), I just never got back around to doing it.  I have been really meaning to for a while, and finally added it to my to-do list a couple weeks ago to force myself to remember.  This weekend when I cleaned out that corner where it had been sitting, it was the perfect excuse to get it out.  I started flattening it from five years of being rolled up, and finally did some yesterday.  It was still very enjoyable, although a bit harder with worse eyes, shakier hands (thanks to the Zoloft, I think), and tenser shoulders.  Shorter spurts will be needed this time, I think.  But doing that definitely made me happy!

The very beginning of a lovely sunset view

Getting my house back in some sort of order (or in other cases, just thinking about it) was a good mental boost.  I still have so many things to work on, but reminding myself that I could be productive was helpful, because it hasn't been as easy as I hoped it would be post-anxiety.  I had assumed that when the weight of anxiety came off, I'd feel more empowered to do things.  That hasn't exactly happened, at least not consistently.  I have bursts, but a lot is still a struggle.  But maybe that has more to do with my suspected late-onset ADHD, or at least some mild neurodivergence that makes the build-up to certain takes overwhelming.  Of course, this weekend I was probably motivated by the fact that I won't be here to do anything next weekend.  It's Jacob's first tournament weekend and I'm on deck.  We'll have to leave sometime Friday and we're bringing a kid he barely knows, so it's going to be a challenging, extra long drive.  I know how tired I am when we get back from those trips, so I know my productivity is going to take a hit after this.  But this weekend did its job pretty well and I'm hoping that makes me a bit more content going into another busy week.

Oh, and the weather isn't really doing me any favors either.  Normally I rely on that to perk me up this time of year, but we're in the middle of a terrible stretch.  We get a warm day here and there, but it generally comes with rain and/or wind.  In between it's been cold and drizzly.  There still isn't a solid stretch anywhere in the extended forecast.  We even had a minor ice storm the other night.  Just a tenth of an inch of ice, so not a big deal, but Michigan got hammered.  For us it was just a pleasant opportunity wander outside on Saturday night to take pictures and videos like this:

I just really want the weather to break so at least the warmth and sun and colorful foliage will give me another option for a natural boost.  Not to mention that it increases my ability to take nearly-daily walks, as they help too.  It looks like my work is starting a new challenge, too, so getting back to it would be helpful.  I don't really want to get back in the pandemic habit of making myself happy through material things or food, or really anything outside of my faith and my family, but I feel like this reliance on external factors is just another phase of getting my brain back in order after more than eight months of overwhelming, often paralyzing, anxiety.  Hopefully they're just little boosts to help get me to the next level of functionality.  All of this has definitely been a process, and thankfully not a terrible one, but it has given me a lot of food for thought as I work through where my mental health sits on any given day.  Better than it was a couple months ago, but still a work-in-progress.  And maybe these little things are just a little reinforcement for now, en route to a better place.