When Jacob's Away...

This weekend was Jacob's 2nd annual training camp for his travel lacrosse team.  It's an entire weekend on a college campus with his coaches and teammates, with practices, fun activities, and faith-building programming.  Last year we had pulled him out for part of Saturday because he wanted to play for his house team, so I'm not sure he got the full effect then, but this year it would be an entire weekend without him.  He was a little hesitant this year--mostly because of limited gluten-free options, it seemed--but once we got there, he seemed to loosen up.  I think it was a relief to see who his roommate was, and once we got his bed made and both sets of parents got to say embarrassing things and bid them farewell, they were on their own!

Roommate pic

Who is this big kid?!

I won't lie, it's a little intimidating to leave your nearly-10-year-old on a college campus with a couple hundred other kids and a few dozen coaches, but they have a great program in place and this is always one of those little steps you need to let your kid take in preparation for big steps down the road.  I was actually a little jealous as I drove away, thinking of what it would have been like to be parent-free for a few days at that age, and thinking back to my first moments alone at college.  Ahhhh.

It's always fun to have Carter solo since it's so rare for him to be alone with us.  We decided to broaden his horizons with dinner at Applebee's, and he very much enjoyed his corndog and chocolate milk!  Interestingly, I found out a couple hours later that someone ran into the building with their car, on the same side we parked on, shortly after we left!  No major damage, I guess, but funny that we never go there and the one night we do, that happens!

The next day Craig was off to work for game two of the Knighthawks' championship series.  They lost the previous weekend in Saskatchewan, so it was do-or-die.  We as a family were having a bit of a conundrum, as a win would keep them in the running for a championship, but it would also mean that Craig had to travel again and he'd have to miss Jacob's first tournament weekend in Syracuse.  I've probably never been so torn about a game, let alone a championship one.  More on the game in a bit.  Carter and I had a pretty quiet morning, with me puttering around the house trying to clean up and organize all the stuff I hadn't done all week--months' worth of photographing (and disposing of) the kids' artwork, wiping down the bathroom, starting some laundry, etc.  My parents came around 2pm, and after a little catching up we were off to do some geocaching!

We went to a trail not far from our house.  It's an interesting spot, and we found three caches along the path.  One was among weeds as tall as Carter!

Of course I took this as an opportunity to do some nature photography.  This was maybe only as big as a half dollar, but the little dandelions all on one skinny stem (rather than the thick tubular ones I've seen before) were sort of cute...

Each bloom was probably only as big as a dime

And, of course, a buttercup!

This was the view from the top of the hill we had to go down to find that first cache.  It was pretty!

The second cache was challenging as it was hard to find the path just to get to it--again because the weeds were taller than Carter--but this one was in a large metal ammo box so it had some little prizes for Carter to choose from.  He picked a ninja turtle with karate chop action!

This one had cute flowers nearby, too.  These reminded me of strawberry flowers, but I don't think they were.

These were seriously the cutest.  Tiny blue and yellow flowers in clusters.  Each flower was maybe a quarter inch in diameter.  Apparently these are forget-me-nots, which just recently got some publicity because Prince Harry selected them for Meghan Markle's bouquet in honor of his mom, who loved them.  I had no idea that's what they looked like, and I absolutely adore them!

Then it was on to the third cache further down the main path.  Carter found this one (with a little direction) inside a rotting tree!

Finally it was time to turn back.  Carter was a little grumpy about geocaching when we started, but seemed to perk up as we went along--aside from the endlessly long path!  But between piggy back riding and him deciding it was fun to run ahead, we made it.

Grandpa and Carter...awwww.

After a failed attempt at one more and a really quick one in a nearby parking lot, we headed home to recuperate for a bit.  Soon it was time for dinner, and Carter nearly fell asleep on the way there!  But when he woke up he was treated to his first sub!  Remember, we live in a gluten-free environment most of the time, and sub rolls are not too frequently done gluten-free, so it just hasn't been a thing for us.  He recently discovered his love for mayo, and Grandpa gladly shared his turkey sub with him.  Carter loved it! 

After dinner we killed some time at Highland Park, where the Lilac Festival is held.  We had to go back to the cool natural playground, and Carter had a blast running around while Grandpa and Grandma snuck in a couple more caches.  Even I went off with my mom to try to find one, but that one wasn't as successful.  The playground wasn't quite as busy as during the festival, but it was close!  We couldn't resist a couple pictures in this little nook :) 

After that it was off to the Knighthawks game.  Like I said, we were a bit torn about the outcome as it's not ideal to have Craig miss Jacob's first tournament weekend.  But, alas, we were at the mercy of the Knighthawks who played a pretty amazing game and are now one game from another championship.  It's obviously great for the players and for Craig who spend a long season fighting for a chance like this, but even Craig wasn't thrilled by the idea of another road trip.  I think it kills him a little to miss Jacob play, too, but if they win I'm sure it will all be worth it.  Of course, my heart's a tiny bit broken that I have to miss this game--not that I'd be going anyway because flights to Saskatoon are definitely out of the budget these days--but after moving heaven and earth to make it to the last two wins on the road (and seeing them in person at home for two others), not being there for this one will certainly feel a little weird.  Even weirder, I guess, that I'll probably be sitting in my hotel room watching it on my computer (hopefully with a sleeping Jacob but probably not!), rather than with a bunch of rabid fans.  Does it even count if it happens that way?!  I guess it's fine if we get a good celebration later, but nothing's like that moment and sharing it with other people.  Or maybe they'll lose and it'll all have been for nothing.

Anyway, Sunday was a little awkward because Craig slept in and Carter and I went off to church.  It was mom group week so we were there longer, which meant we missed Craig heading off to Jacob's training camp for a parent meeting, practice, and pick-up.  It poured on practice, too, so I'm glad we had to miss it!  Carter and I kept things pretty low-key, and that mood continued once the boys got back sometime after 3pm.  Everyone was tired and Jacob was out by 9pm.

Now we have a cool start to the week (after 90s last week) and I'm in the midst of trying to figure out what I need to pack for the weekend.  My parents generously offered to take Carter for the weekend, which will kill me just a little bit because I'm not away from him often and he's such a little bright light in my day.  But I know that he won't be that happy at the tournament and with only one parent to bear the brunt of that boredom (and countless bathroom trips), while also needing to attend to any needs of the big kid, it's hard.  Not impossible, but definitely a very possible source of frustration.  I know he'll have more fun with them, and they offered, so I need to just suck it up and let go.  Jacob and I should get some good bonding time out of the deal, which is important, too.  It's a far cry from the family bonding I was hoping for, but we'll make it work.  I'm totally out of tournament mode, though, so I need to get back into it quickly and figure out what snacks we need, what tricks I'm forgetting, and make backup plans for food and entertainment!  We'll be just down the road from Mary so I'd like to see her, but I know Jacob wants team time so I need to wait and see how that pans out.  It's all only just beginning, though, so I need to buckle down and take a deep breath.  It's all fun, but it takes a lot of work!

Something Special

Today I had a reunion with a group of friends from college.  This particular get-together occurs every five years and is with the group from Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, the organization that changed my college experience and the rest of my life.  It's mostly for those who participated back in the 90s, so there's a group that's a few years older than me, a lot from my era, and a few from more recent years.  Even though I didn't go to school with some of the older folks, some lived close by when I was in college, and others participated as group leaders at retreats or popped into large group meetings periodically.  There were always stories told, so they're still familiar to some degree and they've been the driving force behind these reunions for a while now.

I was a little disappointed as the guest list took shape for this one.  For every person I was excited to see, there were a bunch that weren't coming.  A lot of them were in for an adult dinner get-together tonight, but with Craig on the road and the kids as they are, it would have been complicated.  So, I just had to make the best of it at the picnic.  And honestly, my heart is so full tonight.

Mary couldn't make it, unfortunately, and obviously she was central to my college experience.  Hopefully I'll have as many as two chances to see her in the next month, so that's good, but given the inseparable pair we were back then, I figure it always freaks people out a bit when one of us is missing!  But I did get to see a number of people I haven't seen in years--probably since the last one--and with five years of kid growth all around, it was a little mind-blowing.  We mostly just caught up and reminisced as we ate, and it was great. 

As for the kids, they literally ran off as we arrived and ended up having a blast.  Jacob spent the entire day on the basketball court, eventually being joined by a handful of other boys.  Carter was in his glory on the playground, and after lunch he had more friends than he could count.  I tried to check in periodically, but they were generally self-sufficient and didn't need more than a couple water breaks the entire five hours we were there!  Amazing what happens with other kids around!

Highlight #1 of my day was seeing Pastor Dave (a.k.a. Papa Dave).  He was our father figure at college, a pastor of the church we went to and part of the Intervarsity staff.  He was a wise man, so gentle and welcoming, while being young at heart and a perfect addition to our lunch time conversations in the union lounge.  He is one of my favorite people in the world to this day.  His face lights up each time I see him, and he remembers infinite numbers of details of interactions he had with all of us.  This is nearly 20 years ago for me, and more with the older crew, and he still remembers.  All this from a man who almost died in his 40s from a brain hemorrhage.  He's one of the most incredible, genuine people I've ever met.  He's now 70 (though I swear he looks almost the same) and I guess there's always the thought in the back of my mind that he won't be around forever...so each chance I have to see him, I savor it.  Today he recounted how shocked he was when I got my internship with the Amerks, as it was pretty out there for a shy, reserved girl like me to drive into the city multiple times a week.  He was always such a voice of reason, but everyone's biggest cheerleader at the same time.  He was always tickled by Mary's and my friendship, and because his daughter loves horses, that was a special bond he had with Mary.  Anyway, seeing him--and hearing his remarks during the sharing part of the event--was truly great.

Dave and me on my graduation day 18 years ago - he always said that we couldn't leave campus without a signed note from God, and someone today said that they forged theirs and that's why they now are back on campus as a professor!

Highlight #2 happened during the worship time.  I was standing across from the door and happened to look out and see a familiar face walking up from the parking lot.  It was one of my dearest friends, Ted.  Ted and I have a bit of a complicated history, I suppose, but his friendship was one of the best things I took away from those four years...and he was only really a major part of two of them.  It all started one day during my junior year during one of those aforementioned lunchtime conversations in the union.  I was recounting to Pastor Dave my mixed feelings about my very dear high school friend Mike's "outing".  I'd found out through a friend that Mike was gay, and given that he was one of my best friends, I was crushed.  Certainly I was worried because he'd been a Christian, so I wasn't sure where that left his faith, and HIV was still a big deal back then and he hadn't dated much even when he was straight so I wasn't sure how careful he knew to be.  But the worst part was that he was afraid to tell me.  That lack of trust hurt more than anything, and I was reeling about all of it.  Dave gave me some advice, and Ted just happened to be there.  Even though we hadn't ever talked much, I spilled the whole story to him.  He was easy to talk to and put me more at ease.  That conversation led to more long ones, and conveniently he lived in my dorm, so sometimes conversations went long into the night.  The thing was, while we did develop feelings for each other rather quickly, the friendship came first for so long and it was a huge lesson for both of us in patience and restraint.  My suitemates couldn't believe we could talk all night without anything happening, but truly, nothing did.  I think this all started in October, and by December we knew things had to progress, but we were so careful about moving forward.  We did eventually date for a little bit, but I got flaky at some point and it didn't work out.  Once we got past that awkwardness, our friendship resumed and he was a huge part of my college experience.  Since then, though, I think I've only seen him twice.  He happened to pass through town the day I moved to Rochester and kept me company on that first night.  He came into town a year later and a group of us went to the zoo together, but by then I was with Craig and I suppose guy-girl friendships with former flames can be weird.  Seventeen years later, he's lived all over and we're both married with kids, but a recent move back to New York allowed him to make it in today.  I almost didn't believe my eyes when I saw him walking up, and all this time later it meant the world to see him.  Our friendship means the world to me.  And he's still the same guy, just a grown-up version! :)

But as a whole, it was just amazing to look around at so many people, realizing that once we were all just kids and now our kids are all playing together.  It was crazy to realize that collectively we've created this whole new generation, and all these years later we know we had something so special that we still care enough to get together and catch up with each other for a few hours.  I'd do it every year, honestly.  It really struck me as Dave spoke that as much as we knew it was something special, it truly was a unique and special experience to have those four years to bond and grow together.  I'll admit my work on my faith now isn't quite what it was back then, and that's not good--but today was a reminder how great it was back then and how I should be doing better now.  It made for such a fulfilling time, socially, spiritually, and academically, and nothing may ever match it.  But I'm so glad it happened and grateful for a little peek into the past today.

Stop and Smell the Lilacs

This past weekend was our last "family togetherness" weekend at home for a while.  Craig is on the road this weekend, working next Saturday (and Jacob will be at lacrosse training camp), and then Jacob's first tournament is the week after that, at which point Craig might be on the road again, too. After that it's one tournament, one weekend in Buffalo, then two more tournaments...and maybe then we'll get some good family time at home!

The weather wasn't stellar this weekend--in fact Carter and I skipped Jacob's last two house lacrosse games because it was pouring (so I watched the royal wedding on DVR instead).  I spent much of the weekend trying to get the house cleaned (love my new vacuum!), but other than dinner out Saturday we didn't really have many plans.  But on Sunday, I knew I really wanted to get to the last day of the Lilac Festival.  It was cool and drizzly in the morning but by later in the afternoon the sun came out a little and it warmed up.  After some yard work and a lot of prodding, we dragged the boys off.

Parking is always a pain, but luckily the boys were good sports about the walk.  But immediately upon entering the grounds, Jacob made a beeline for the food vendor with Icees.  They're actually one of the few things we trust at stuff like that.  We continued to wander past vendors and eventually ran into friends of ours who we chatted with a while.  But eventually Carter got antsy and the playground that was our main destination was right around the corner.  It's a new playground made out of natural materials, and it's pretty cool.

Notice all the logs...and some had been flattened on top for easy navigation

I had a picture of Carter so I needed one of Jacob too!

Ignore Mr. Serious in the foreground and check out the stuff in the background--logs, rocks, and more.  There was a large wooden bridge and a teepee, as well.  Carter loved it and even Jacob liked walking around it.  I can definitely see us making a return visit when it's not so busy!

After playing, we walked across the street to one of the main areas of lilacs in the park.  I tried really hard to get a picture to update one I got the last time we went, and this was as much of a challenge as that one!  I have to share the outtakes, though...

This is an "almost" except Jacob is actually purposely making a weird face, and his arms are strange.

This was a lucky shot just because Carter flipped out immediately after because of Jacob's arm.

Much better!

We tried a closer one, but this one almost went downhill the second I took the picture because Carter was adamant that Jacob not touch him!  He was practically hovering here, but when Carter noticed it, he lost it and demanded I delete the picture!

Of course the highlight of the festival--aside from food, I suppose--is the foliage.  The lilacs were either almost done or not quite open yet, but they were pretty.  I sure wish I could smell!

This tree looked like some variety of crabapple tree, and the pink was stunning.

Such a pretty pansy...

After this we headed over to the poutine food truck because Jacob wanted gluten-free poutine.  We all snacked a little on that as we walked over to the Kids' Zone, where Carter got to pick one thing to do and chose the inflatable obstacle course.  I think he's officially a pro now! 

We didn't get to see as much as I would have liked, but it was getting later and we took off before the kids got too tired or cranky or any of us got too hungry.  I was happy to get Jacob a treat since it's not easy to coordinate visiting that food truck, but the rest of us needed a more affordable and less mobile dinner!  I'm just happy we got to go, and hopefully next year when I bring it up I won't get the rolling eyes and grumpy response I got this year.

In other news, another week is in full swing.  Craig is off to Canada today, back late tonight, then off again tomorrow morning for the Knighthawks' first game of the championship.  He'll be gone until Sunday evening.  We'll have a couple picnics to keep us busy here--one with my college friends, and another with my family--thankfully all here in Rochester.  I'm currently debating how I want to spend a free few hours on Friday afternoon if we get out of work early like usual, though most likely I'll be buying stuff for my garden and getting it planted so it's ready whenever the rain comes this weekend and before things get too crazy.  We have so many busy weeks ahead, though at least we got our hotels all booked for Jacob's tournaments and can officially start planning our side trips and scoping out food options.  Part of me is dreading the exhausting stretch, but the other part of me knows this is the most exciting part of our summer so I need to embrace the crazy and enjoy the ride.  It'll be fine, really.  I just need to get back in the travel groove ASAP!

News and Notes, Mother's Day Edition

It's been a busy week or so around our house.  Jacob's twice-a-week lacrosse practices, combined with doctor appointments and Craig's work schedule (not to mention my job being rather high-stress these days) has left us in a bit of a tizzy.  Let's see what I can cover.

Jacob's lacrosse practices have been tough.  He's not that happy about playing on the team in the first place, and practices have been twice a week for an hour and a half.  That means we're eating dinner late and everyone's a bit grumpier when bedtime rolls around.  I can't fit in a good workout to save my life right now, it seems.  When Jacob has had Wednesday practice, Craig is usually in Canada, so Carter and I have had a lot of playground time.  I suppose that counts for exercise for me, because I am endlessly climbing and sliding and following Carter.  I've made it my goal this summer to more easily do a set of monkey bars.  It's really hard as a grown-up, if you didn't know, as your body grows disproportionately to your strength compared to how they compared when you were a kid.  But slowly but surely I'm getting better with all of this practice!

Carter loves this little climbing tunnel on one of the playgrounds by the lacrosse fields.  He climbs up it constantly, as it seems to fit well with his Star Wars/chased by zombies-themed storylines he does when we're there.

The other playground at the school has this little blue tunnel (FYI, tunnels are harder on adult knees, too), and I cracked up when I saw that he looked blue.  He could be Violet's brother in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!

We had to pause for a selfie at one point, because Mama needed a break!

Craig spent last Friday and Saturday in near Atlanta for the Knighthawks' second playoff game, and while the good news is that they won and will be playing in the championship, the bad news is that he now has one week off due to a scheduling conflict, and two or three more weeks of games still to come.  If it goes three weeks, he'll be in Saskatchewan when we're going to Jacob's first two tournaments in Syracuse.  Yuck.  So we just have to hope the Knighthawks win it in two, since they'd be at home and be done earlier!  We'll see.  Jacob had a rainy couple games on Saturday morning, but his team was actually competitive in one of them and he scored four goals and one assist on the day--including three goals in one game!  It was nice to see him do that since it had been a pretty quiet season so far.  Carter and I napped a good chunk of Saturday afternoon to offset the early morning (and I think he was still kicking the strep, or maybe dealing with a new virus that now has him coughing again).  We ventured out to get some Chick-fil-A for dinner, and despite the long wait (still), the boys were good and we were all happy!

The boys and I were off to church on Sunday morning and Craig got home not long after we did.  After I mildly panicked about what we were bringing to a family party, we got on the road and the rest of the day was lovely.  For a change we were just hanging out with my side of the family because Craig's parents were in Florida, and my cousin and his wife planned a nice get-together at their house.  The weather was absolutely perfect!  And the highlight of the day?  I got to hold this little ball of sweetness!

She's my cousin Jamie's baby girl Emmy, and she just made my day.  There is nothing like a tiny baby sleeping on you, with their noises and faces.  She's just a couple weeks old and it was so relaxing and wonderful.  It's been the full five years, I think, since I've held a newborn.  Absolutely heavenly, and of course a little heartbreaking/relieving that we're done with that stage.

As far as the rest of Mother's Day goes, I got these pretty flowers from Craig...

Carter painted a flower pot and planted these pretty flowers...

Jacob wrote this lovely top ten list, though he seemed to embellish a bit--not just with his adjectives, but with some of the things he gives me credit for.  I don't actually clean that much, for example, but hey, "A" for effort!

It was a nice Mother's Day, though I'm sure Craig wished we could have spent time with his family.  We'll have to make it up at some point!  Like all weekends, though, it was much too short.  It was back to the grind Monday and Carter had some library books due so we stopped there in the evening and were greeted with these gorgeous tulips!

We tried a selfie but the portrait was easier!

We had some quality playground time that night and Wednesday, Tuesday was grocery shopping, and last night was the new study with Jacob and yard work.  It's been a busy week!

What else is new?  Well, Jacob's been driving us nuts with his demands for a basketball hoop, and we were just about to order it (as an early birthday gift) when the price jacked up.  So, we've been spending the week trying to figure out how to make it work, only to be subjected to more incessant complaining about it.  Jacob is dead set that the only thing that will make him happy right now is a hoop.  He doesn't want to play lacrosse outside, just basketball.  And he doesn't want to do anything in the house besides play on the little hoop in his room or to play his NBA game on the Xbox.  So he insists he's bored without it and there's nothing to do.  As many times as we've been through Jacob's fixations, it never seems to get easier to manage.  He just gets so stuck that nothing else will appease him and life is terrible until the situation is to his liking.  I hope someday he learns how to manage this a bit, because I fear he will never be content with anything.

We started our new family therapy group last night, and while I obviously can't get into much because of confidentiality stuff, I will say that it was an interesting mix of families.  While the family types varied quite a bit, I did get the sense that we're among people with very similar issues to ours, which is sort of a new feeling.  I think we'll cover some good topics together, and hopefully it helps.

My most recent freak-out is when I realized that the date Carter's daycare changed graduation to a date we're supposed to be out of town for one of Jacob's tournaments.  Carter's been working so hard on songs they're performing that it would be tough to have him miss it, so we're currently reviewing options.  That trip was one of the prime options to add on to with family vacation stuff, since the following week is a quiet one at work, but clearly that won't work if half of us aren't there!  Among the options: 1) One of us will hitch a ride with Jacob along with one of his teammates, and then the other parent and Carter will arrive late Friday night with the van; 2) My parents offered to come to the graduation and drive Carter and the stay-behind parent (probably me in this scenario) to Saratoga.  They'd watch a little lacrosse then continue on somewhere else; 3) Just have Jacob miss Friday's games and go as a family.  It's a three-day tournament so missing one day isn't a big deal, but I know it would be for Jacob so we're trying to do what we can to accommodate both boys.  I know that we're going to start running into more conflicts like this as Carter gets more going on--which is probably why I've slacked on trying to sign him up for karate or soccer.  He hasn't pushed, though, as he's sort of focused on Star Wars right now, but I know the time is coming.

Well, it's time to enjoy our last low-key family weekend for a bit.  Between Knighthawks games and tournaments, we may not be slowing down together until about mid-July (yikes), so we'll have to enjoy it while we can--although the weather doesn't look cooperative so we'll see how this goes...

Mind Games

The other day I had to go to a pediatric behavioral health office to get us signed up for a new study.  It's a family group study, something that's based on a process that's been successful in a intensive format.  This version seeks to distill it down to fewer, shorter sessions and see if it's equally successful.  It'll be in a group setting with other families, and will hopefully give us some new methods to manage some of Jacob's challenging behavior.  I'll try anything, honestly.

Not everything is bad these days, mind you.  I think lately we've had fewer really challenging moments, but the ones we do have are rough.  I feel like if we could tweak a handful of situations (and Jacob's and our responses to them) we'd probably solve 90% of our problems.  Lately I've felt a genuine love from Jacob--even if at other times he flat-out tells me he hates me--which is something that was missing for a long time.  He'll even spontaneously hug me, or respond when I tell him I love him, or seek me out to hang out.  Fridady morning was his Muffins with Mom thing at school, and he was very excited for it the prior night.  He even hugged me when I woke him up that morning.  Of course, then we had a falling-out because we were rushing and he couldn't find something to wear as a jacket (once I told him the one in his lacrosse bag would stink), and that almost blew it.  But we recovered and had a nice time.  His newfound affection is sweet, and it's a start.  I remember a while back hearing or reading something about how you need to build that trust relationship with your child if you expect them to respect you and turn to you when the going gets tough as a teenager.  I realized we were definitely lacking that, and little by little I've been trying to rebuild that part of our relationship.  It's still not easy, but it's something I try to keep in mind when I can.

Anyway, as I sat in the waiting room at the doctor's office for a very short few minutes, I saw a lot.  I saw a small group of boys with some subtle social awkwardness going off to a group session.  I saw a presumably autistic boy yell his way through the waiting room.  I saw parents who are clearly a little burned out.  Being in any sort of pediatric psychiatry office is by definition a little tough.  It's not like a regular doctor's office where there are well visits.  Everyone that's there has something going on, and I find myself wondering what everyone's story is.  Are they victims of abuse?  Are they struggling with a divorce?  Do they have some sort of disorder or disability?  Are they sort of like us, or is their battle significantly harder?  I see teenagers that look like they might be struggling with gender issues...but then again maybe they're just finding their way through depression by expressing their creativity through their appearance.  I see parents--or maybe foster parents--who you know have had to struggle themselves.  You almost wish it was like Humans of New York, where you know everyone has a story and you wish you could hear it.  It's not just a nosy thing, either, I swear.  It's a compassion thing, or a quest for understanding, or maybe just a desire to bond over a shared challenge.  It's hard to know everyone is struggling with something, and no doubt many of their stories are tragic.  These days in the office we're in we see mostly teens and tweens, but seeing a bunch of kids today was equally heartbreaking and curiosity-inducing.

Part of the sign-up process included a baseline survey.  It was mostly like everything else I've filled out over the years--what does your child struggle with and how do you feel about it, as asked in about 50 questions.  As I filled it out, I started feeling like I did when we did the brain study in December.  Some of the questions referenced very specific serious situations (like poverty or abuse) or things that may apply to older or more serious cases (like kids leaving home unattended), and I found myself unsure about how to answer them.  The thing is, when you're in the moment in our house, it seems horrible.  Sometimes it just seems like the end of the world, or maybe some very bold first steps to a really painful future with an uncontrollable teenager or an aimless adult.  Our current problems seem like a a microcosm of the challenges that await us when testosterone and teenage drama magnify them into something out of our control.  And, honestly, that's a big reason why we're trying to do something about it now.  If we tackle it when it's easier, will it eliminate the worst of the problems we'd have had if we didn't do anything?  We have no idea, but I guess I'd rather try now and hope it works than regret later that we did nothing.  But my point is that the problems seem huge in the moment.

But then I sit in a waiting room with kids and parents who struggle through every moment of every day.  They deal with hardcore, serious issues--learning disabilities, disappearing kids, verbal and physical attacks, self-harm--and I find myself wondering why I'm sitting there.  Our problems aren't that big--at least in comparison.  Our lives have been impacted by Jacob's issues, but contrary to what it seems like sometimes, they have not been completely destroyed.  At least, not at this point--which first makes me thank God we've made it this far, then stops me in my tracks as I ponder what might lie ahead.  We don't know what the future holds.  While I want to have faith that we'll be fine and Jacob will turn into a quirky but amazing adult, there is still a chance that our future will be far more challenging than any of us could imagine.  I sincerely hope not, of course, but none of us parents planned to be in that waiting room the day we saw the positive pregnancy test, and none of our stories have had a predictable storyline to the present.  I can have faith that God will carry us through, one way or another, but there are no guarantees about what that might involve.  So while my first instinct might be pity, it comes back around to compassion, admiration, and a straight-up broken heart that any of us need to go through this at all.  It's hard to describe the rush of emotions.

My first moment of hesitation on this particular day was as we reviewed the study parameters.  There was a section that talked about the study subjects having Oppositional Defiant Disorder and/or Conduct Disorder.  I've seen ODD in Jacob's paperwork (and I even thought it sounded right when we were first trying to figure out what was up with him when he was five), but there's never been a full-on diagnosis.  It was more like it was suspected or among the options.  If he has it I suspect it's a mild case.  Our challenge, I think, is that he can manage his behavior at school--he doesn't generally have behavior issues with teachers--but at home he's a challenge.  So clearly his issue is more with us and it's controllable to some degree.  So does he really have it, then?  Who knows.  Anyway, my questioning continued as I went through the questions.  Most of my answers were more in the middle ground, maybe admitting things were an issue but not a severe issue.  It was rare that I was selecting something on either end of the spectrum, other than behaviors he definitely doesn't exhibit at this point.  On the scales measuring severity, I felt challenged to really think about what I should say.  Like I said, in the moment (or as I apply these behaviors to the future), they seem serious.  But compared to the kid who's currently running away, following through on violence, or setting his house on fire, do we really have a problem?  Do we really belong here?  I thought about other people we might encounter in this group, people who might be dealing with those exact issues, and might they laugh at us and our seemingly simplistic challenges?

The thing is, when you grow up in an abnormally normal home, anything beyond that seems extreme.  After years of what I suspect is my parents thinking that we weren't doing a very good job with Jacob, they now admit that they dodged a bullet and know they got off easy.  They've seen us try to parent him through these challenges, and heard enough from friends of theirs to know that this isn't out of the ordinary.  For the most part my brother and I were very well-behaved (not always with each other, but we survived without the emergency room), so with that as their "baseline", I can understand why they'd question what we were doing.  Now they're realizing that despite our best efforts, we're still struggling.  And clearly I never expected our lives to be like this because my childhood was never like this.  I didn't even really know anyone whose childhood was like this.  Maybe if I'd been exposed to something like this as a kid I'd have some perspective on how all of this should go.  But when you live a very normal existence, anything can put you into a panicked tailspin.  Is this normal or is this something we need to do something about?  Is it normal that he will only wear one brand of clothing, or is that a sign of autism?  Are these tantrums normal, or should we have him evaluated?  We've asked those questions for years, and still do.  We've had a little more perspective since Carter was born and has been slightly closer to "normal" with most things, and even proved to me at times that I'm not a terrible mom.  Even still, you find yourself questioning everything, even about your own experiences as a child.  You think about your own struggles and wonder if they were more or less serious than you thought.  Were we only that normal because we pushed something down or didn't make a big deal of it?  Did I pass something down that I never knew was there?  Going through something like this just makes you question everything you thought you knew.

In the end I just tried to answer the questions as best I could from our perspective, keeping in mind that our "serious" may not match others' "serious".  That's probably why I never picked the option at the most severe end of the spectrum.  I'll be interested to see what kind of group we're with and how it changes our perspective on our own situation.  We can't really compare our challenges to others, and we shouldn't--because better or worse, if it's something that concerns us, we need to do something about it.  But sometimes hearing others' stories is a good reminder that it could be worse and we should still have hope...even if it's all we have.  And perhaps that's what this group represents--hope.  Most of all, I just hope it works.

The Shirt

Back when Jacob was a baby, we were flat-out obsessed with moose.  I mean, they're cute, they're Canadian, and it was the mascot of the hockey team that brought us together.  So why not?  It really started when we'd been dating just over a year, around the time we got engaged, and Craig bought me this adorable floppy moose when I got my wisdom teeth out.  From that point on, on any trip we took, we always checked the shops for a moose.  It only got worse after Jacob was born, but once the stuffed animals and other toys started to take over the house, the obsession waned a bit.  But I still cherish the ones I have for the memories they represent.

Well, when Jacob was a baby, I gladly snapped up every moose-related outfit I could find.  We had quite a few over the years.  Even now we have a shirt that Carter was gifted that says, "I Moose Give You a Hug."  But one of my favorites was this sweet outfit.

Jacob, around three months old

Oh, that picture just gives me all the feels.  Where did that baby go?  How is he almost 10, and how have we spent all these years struggling so much?  Man...it's a lot to take in.  Anyway, I loved that outfit.  And his little beanie pierogy, too :)

At some point when Jacob was around two, I happened to find the same shirt, minus the matching pants, on a clearance rack at Babies 'R' Us in a "48 months" size.  At the time I never imagined how "cool" of a four-year-old we'd have, so clearly it wasn't Jacob's style by the time he hit that age!  I'd also hoped we'd have a newish baby when Jacob was four, and at that point he'd been true to size, so I bought it just in case!

Well, when Carter was born, of course I couldn't wait for him to fit into this outfit!  In the meantime, I almost forgot about the other shirt and then suddenly realized one day when I was home with both boys that Jacob would be outgrowing it rather quickly by then.  Carter was only a couple months old, but the outfit just fit, so we did a photo shoot just like Jacob's!

He was a little younger, but the thought is there!  Then I decided we needed to attempt a brother shot, but of course that was hard when Jacob didn't even want to be near Carter.  But he still put on the shirt and briefly humored me...

And then we recreated his original shot...haha!

Fast-forward five years, and the shirt had been hanging in Carter's closet for a while, always with the thought that I'd take his picture someday, too.  Well, a couple weekends ago when I was making room for his summer clothes and knew this one would be packed away for good, I realized we never took a picture.  Now it was borderline too small on him, but back to the blanket we went!

Carter is actually quite a bit older here than Jacob was in the picture above.  Jacob was still a couple months shy of five, and Carter is about six months older than that here.  It's funny, though, that because they are just so completely different in looks and personality, it's nearly impossible for me to reconcile that they could be similar in age in these pictures.

The shirt is now packed away and someday I'll need to decide if it's worth keeping the baby one as a memory, and the big one just in case.  Probably not, but you never know.  It was cute while it lasted, though!

Spring has Sprung!

Ahhh, spring finally seems to be here...for keeps!  At least for the most part...it is Rochester, after all.  The forecast looks pretty good aside from a couple cooler days, but it looks like spring might actually, really be here!  It was a lovely week, aside from some crazy winds on Friday.  It was hard to enjoy, though, as I had a heck of a week at work thanks to our biggest day of the year, and all that really means is I get more of my co-workers' mental capacity back to help with the two big projects I've been trying to keep moving all along.

Anyway, we've been trying to get ourselves back into spring mode after an extra long winter inside.  It hasn't been easy!  After Carter had a fever last weekend, it was a slow start to the week since he was still a little more tired than usual.  I took advantage of his snuggly mood and snapped a couch selfie...

On Wednesday Jacob and Craig were at practice pretty late and Carter and I took advantage of a gorgeous day to go to the playground at Jacob's school around the corner.  Carter had a whole Star Wars theme going on (he's been really into it lately--from the movies to the Lego Star Wars app), so we were constantly on the run escaping attacks!

An escape route!

He knew I was taking his picture but he slid before I could get it!

Top of the slide!

On the walk back I captured this flower in the same spot where the frozen crocuses were a couple weeks earlier...

And back at home, my own little hyacinth was blooming.  Carter called the little shoot in the back the "kid" :)

On Friday we had some crazy winds.  It was nothing like we had last year or even a month or so ago, but gusts were up over 50mph and the way the winds were blowing it sounded awful outside and in the house.  I was nervous even sitting near the kitchen windows.  The Knighthawks' first round playoff game was that night, and while the kids didn't want to go, I was having some anxiety issues at the thought of listening to the wind howl all night, so I dragged the kids to the game since I knew the winds would be better by the time we got home.  And you know, once we were there the kids were pretty decent.  And the Knighthawks won!  Aside from a couple hiccups when we got home, it was a good night.  The good news is that the Knighthawks move on.  The bad news is that Craig will be leaving Friday for Atlanta and coming home on Mothers' Day.  And if they win that one, it will be at least a couple more weeks of him being busy.  Now, if there's a championship on the end of that, not a bad deal!

Saturday morning we were up bright and early to go to Jacob's lacrosse game.  The good news is that after last week's cold and torrential downpours during his games, this week it was glorious!  Not only was it sunny and warm-ish (it was actually pretty warm but there was a decent breeze that kept me under the blanket for a while), it was just a picture perfect day with spring coming out all over!  Just in the last week almost every tree started shooting out leaves, and both the tulips and flowering trees opened up.  Suddenly everything is green and colorful, and it's such a relief after our extended winter weather.

Now that flower season is here, this is what my sweet little boy does for me :)

These sadly didn't survive the trip home, but he replenished them today!

This week was also a nice change of pace from last week's lacrosse debacle.  Jacob and his team started out pretty rough again, but they seemed to improve as the game went on.  Jacob not only picked up a couple of assists, but played physical, which is something we haven't seen much from him.  It's a fine line in this league, but he did pretty well.  The team still lost, but I think they can hold their heads high with their effort.

After that game was over, Jacob ran over to the adjacent field and joined up with the 5/6 team!  They were shorthanded and our friends from church have a son on that team.  The dad's a coach and figured Jacob was the best option to give them at least another body...and he held his own!  They were really happy with his play.

Jacob's on the right, his friend Evan is on the left

The rest of Saturday was pretty good.  We grabbed fast food for lunch (except for Jacob--but he accepted a Frosty as the equalizer) and once that digested Jacob and I tried another mile run.  He crapped out after half a mile and I kept going for a couple more--albeit with a walk in the middle.  Craig was tired from his late work night and Carter was low-key so they pretty much stayed in and watched Star Wars before napping for a while.  I did some yard work and we all had a little outside time, but by dinner time Craig left because he was going to see Kevin Hart (the comedian) with his co-workers.  I could have gone, but seeing as we have given up on finding a babysitter who can deal with the kids, that wasn't happening.  Good thing, too, since Carter ended up with a fever for the second weekend in a row.  He had complained of head/face pain a couple times that evening, which had us concerned.  I ended up sleeping (well, not-sleeping) next to him until about 3am because his breathing was really worrying me.  Since last weekend's fever/virus, he's been very congested at night and yet still can't seem to breathe through his mouth.  He snorts through breaths through his nose and it ends up sounding like an epic case of sleep apnea.  At one point I was listening to his heart and it was beating so fast and all I could think was that his heart was trying to keep up the oxygen supply that his lungs could not.  It was really scaring me for some reason that night (hello, anxiety), until he woke up with foot pain (again--that is still worrying me a lot, particularly because he had a sore toe last night and even limped on it--we're keeping a close eye now) and I gave him Tylenol, at which point he seemed to relax a bit more and I finally tried to get some sleep in my own bed.  I realized during that time, though, that if he was on his left side he breathed more clearly, so that was the bulk of my purpose there--to keep shifting him back to that side as much as I could.  But eventually I was exhausted and he wouldn't stay in that position anyway, so when the Tylenol seemed to help a bit, I knew it was time to go.

The next morning, Jacob and Craig were out bright and early for a lacrosse tournament.  It was a small local one and Jacob only had a couple games, and since it was the week of my monthly mom group at church, I had planned on skipping it and taking Carter with me.  Well, with the fever the previous night, I decided we didn't need to expose Sunday School kids to whatever Carter had, and it was probably time to head to the doctor.  So off we went.  And would you believe it...it was strep!  It never seems like it's going to be strep, but there was a very faint positive.  So, off to Wegmans for antibiotics, and a very low-key day was in order.  Meanwhile, Jacob ended up playing goal for the first time at his tournament (nope, not really his position!) and he got recruited for the 5/6's two games, so he ended up having quite a day!

It was cloudy but pleasant out, and after a lazy afternoon and a well-planned dinner (yay for pulled pork in the crock pot), I set us up for a nice, all-American family evening.  Not only did we have a tasty dinner, but we had brownies (ala mode, if desired) waiting for us at home after we went for a family walk over to Jacob's school.  Carter got playground time with Daddy, and I hung out and shot some hoops with Jacob. 

This was his "pose".  I have no idea what player he's ever seen pose like that, but OK... :)

Soon it was getting cool and late, so it was time to walk home for brownies!  Carter called Daddy his "tauntaun" (it's a Star Wars thing) and opted to hitch a ride home.

It all felt like a very normal, functional family night.  We don't get a lot of those--between Craig's job and the kids' bickering and my less-than-optimal homemaker skills, but for once it all fell into place.  On the surface, anyway.  Now, it's onward to another week!