Photo Friday

I figured it was time to catch up on a few photos.  I haven't been taking as many pictures lately as I should, but I have snagged a few. 

 

I realized a while back that I never shared the winner of the Christmas card shoot.  It's a miracle I got both boys in the same picture, and no children were harmed in the process.  Yay for small miracles!

 

Carter is quite the handful these days.  He's feeling better after his ear infection.  He's still not quite back to eating normally, but he's sleeping fine and has plenty of energy.  He's getting into everything.  He will not leave Jacob's stuff alone.  I don't know how babies instinctively want to get into the very things they're not supposed to touch, but they do.  Carter also wants to put everything in his mouth, which is getting frustrating.  Here's a picture of his toy corner, where we can fence him in if we have to, but he usually gets upset about being in there so right now I'm mostly using it when I absolutely have to. 
 

I do like that the gate sort of blends into the wall a bit.  This area is usually a bit of a mess, but it picks up quick.

He may be a handful, but he's so darn cute and his giggles are contagious!  He also likes posing for pictures, but he gives me such a cheesy smile most of the time!  

This is a perfect smile, though, complete with all eight of his teeth!

He likes this truck a lot.  It sings the most annoying songs, but if it keeps him occupied, so be it.  Pretty sure he's already played with it more than Jacob did.

 

Cheesy smile while playing with Jacob's golf club and his own little basketballs...and so begins the sports!

He's still working on his technique...

Giggling as he tried to climb on me!

Getting into trouble as usual...this time up on the ottoman grabbing the remotes!

Showing off his puppy skills!  He is constantly crawling around with something in his mouth!

Jacob isn't posing for pictures these days, but he had a relatively good week.  At school he almost did a clean sweep of good behavior, but lost it a bit today.  He was one notch above even on their behavior chart two days, then two notches up another day, and then he got the highest spot for the first time all year yesterday!  Today he was one spot below even, but I'm still really proud of the week he had.  I know how hard it is for him to behave, so knowing he had some success was really great.  Of course, at home things were a little different.  He is still having issues with food--not wanting much dinner or coming home with half of his lunch uneaten, having a 45-minute meltdown over taking a shower, still treating his brother with contempt, and giving us grief about almost anything.  But he's been really into drawing lacrosse team logos this week, and he can be so smart and engaging when he stops throwing punches.  His energy seems to be back to normal now, but he still is complaining of stomach aches and has a nasty cold.  He's also been licking around his mouth a lot, and it's very chapped and red.  It was almost scabbing over.  I've been trying to keep it lotioned up, but he fights me tooth and nail.  It's so hard when your kid doesn't understand that the "hard" stuff you make them do is good for them, not just something mean you're doing to them.  He's so convinced we're "bad" that anytime we make him do something he doesn't want to, we're doing it to personally torture him.  Whether it's making him eat, or forcing him to shower, or helping groom him, it all makes him so angry...and we can't quite convince him that it's stuff every kid has to do to stay healthy.  I just feel like there are a few mental blocks he has, and if we could get past those, things would be so much better.  He needs to know that we love him and understand how his actions impact other people.  He's so smart and has so much potential, but we need to help him manage his challenges a bit. 

We're heading into a weekend without Craig, who's off to Edmonton for work.  We don't have any plans for tomorrow, so I may need to make some to save us from an entire day in the house trying to keep Carter out of trouble and get Jacob out from in front of the TV.  Sunday we have a Superbowl party to go to--one we've gone to over the years but that had taken a two year hiatus.  I'm a little nervous about getting the kids there myself (Craig will just be getting back and meeting us there late), keeping Jacob away from the gluten, and keeping both kids occupied.  But it's a great party with good friends, so I'll do my best and come home if we have to.

Starting off the weekend by being up far too late isn't good, so that's it's for now...

Where's my medal?

I kid, I kid, I know this job doesn't come with a medal.  I signed up for parenthood and all that comes with it, but let me tell you, sometimes it would be nice.  It's not easy to sacrifice all the time with little thanks, but that's usually how it goes. 

I think the original thing that spawned this post is that I was talking to two people on Saturday at Jacob's lacrosse game (separately) and mentioned that I was planning on driving to Buffalo in questionable weather with both boys.  Both responded, "Alone?"  I never really thought it was a big deal, but apparently it seemed that way to them.  On Friday at work a co-worker of mine mentioned that she's been going to Knighthawks games with her boyfriend, who has had season tickets for years.  She asked if I go to games, and I said that I go to most of them.  And she said, "With both boys?"  Yep.  As much as I dread my weekends alone with the boys when Craig is on the road, I think I forget sometimes what a big deal it is, until someone expresses admiration for the fact that I do it...and do it often.  Still, I know it could be worse--he could be gone for weeks or months.  We've all got our challenges.  Some have weekly evenings alone that they've come to dread, or are home all day.  Some people have more challenging children.  Some people share custody and have the challenge of having kids alone one weekend, then being just plain alone the next.  It's always something.

This past weekend's trip to Buffalo was a bit of a risk, but it was all to help Jacob understand how much I love him. He'd been looking forward to going to Buffalo for the Knighthawks-Bandits game for weeks.  He insists he's a Bandits fan, so he really wanted to go.  He had a lacrosse game on Saturday afternoon (and it was like pulling teeth to get him there--a big argument that took far too long to convince him that if he didn't go to his game, we weren't going to Buffalo), but we'd have just enough time to go to his game, drive to Buffalo, drop off Carter at my parents', and get to the game.  Well, what we didn't count on was the weather.  While it wasn't horrible, it had the potential to be.  Blowing snow, cold temperatures, lots of wind...and just plain miserable.  My father pleaded with me via email to cancel the trip.  I spent much of Jacob's game studying the radar animation, trying to figure out how bad it would be along the Thruway.  All I could think about was how upset Jacob would be if I said we couldn't go.  I didn't really want to spend my evening dealing with that, and I had already gone through the trouble of packing up, so I really didn't want to have to cancel.  Eventually I decided that the snow was moving south of the Thruway and they'd have about an hour before we got that far to get the plows on the roads.  I'd focus on going slow and leaving plenty of space, and if it got bad enough, we'd turn around.  I had to try to convince Jacob that I wasn't just a giant meanie.

We got on the road and started hitting some snow.  There was a small section that was a bit white-out prone, but it passed quickly and the snow dissipated.  We moved along, a little slower than usual but moving fine.  The roads were generally fine, but I wouldn't have really wanted to do a sudden stop, either.  Carter took a nap and Jacob miraculously stayed awake for his movie.  Jacob decided he needed a potty break when we were about 15 minutes away from the one rest area on the trip.  We got there, took care of business, and loaded back in, and suddenly Jacob was asleep.  He and Carter both napped for the last 20 minutes of the drive, and I was a little nervous about how Jacob would be after I woke him up.

When we got to my parents', we were running extra short on time, but I tried to get my parents up to speed on Carter's care (his medicines alone are quite a process) and get Jacob and myself ready as quickly as possible.  First he fought me because I forgot the shorts he was determined to wear under his pants.  Then he was upset when I said he couldn't bring his lacrosse stick.  Both arguments lasted longer than they should have, but eventually he realized I was serious about skipping the game and he got himself together.  We headed off, just the two of us, for dinner at Mighty Taco and a drive through the iffy weather to the game.  While the roads weren't ideal, they were good enough and the whole weather thing turned out to be a non-event, thankfully.

The game was interesting.  We got there late (which was fine, really), but the Knighthawks looked terrible.  We were routinely down by more than half a dozen goals or more, which was a shock to the system after last spring's championship run and three straight wins to start this season.  Still, I was having a genuinely good time with Jacob.  He's never particularly chatty when we're at games, but I could tell he enjoyed dinner and was having fun at the game.  He took delight in the Bandits goals and my groans that followed.  He was pretty well-behaved and he got to enjoy a new gluten-free treat I had picked up on a whim at BJ's the previous weekend.

Eventually the Knighthawks came back and lost by one goal, so at least the end was fun to watch.  We headed down to the team store to kill some time while traffic cleared out, then headed back out into the bitter cold to drive home.  We battled a little traffic, but got home at a reasonable time and Jacob was pretty good about going right to bed.  Overall, it was a really fun night and it make all of the craziness worrying about the weather worth it.

Well, overnight that night, Carter was a disaster.  He was up multiple times screeching like he was in pain, and ended up sleeping on me for most of the night.  In the middle of it all, Jacob had an hour-long coughing fit.  Let's just say it wasn't a good night for any of us, and we were all pretty off the next morning, so much so that we stayed home from church to try to get a little more rest.  I had to drive home that afternoon, after all.  It was a bit of a challenging morning trying to keep both kids entertained and still try to sneak in some rest.  At one point Carter fell back to sleep and I laid down, too, only to have Jacob come up and nearly wake up Carter and annoy the heck out of me.  He was laying down on his sleeping bag but finding every way to bang on things near him and drive me crazy.  Ironically, at some point Jacob fell asleep, which is rare at that time of day.  Carter woke up before he did, but I think the nap did us all well as it was a pretty good afternoon as a whole.  The drive home was fine, too.

Sunday night, however, was as bad as Saturday.  I'm pretty sure I only had a handful of hours of sleep over the two nights, and even some of that was pretty light considering I had a baby sleeping on or next to me for a lot of it.  The fact that he was inconsolable even when held, arching his back, and screaming bloody murder made me think something was up.  I initially thought maybe it was gas from testing out some dairy again (no puking--yay!), but when the second night happened, I was starting to think it might be an ear infection. It gets worse when they lay down, and that definitely seemed to be the case with Carter.  I called the doctor Monday morning and got in for a 9:30 appointment...and sure enough, a double ear infection.  Poor kid.  No wonder he was so miserable.  Though I must note that during the day he was relatively good.  Aside from not eating as much as normal, taking shorter naps, and being only a tiny bit less happy, you'd never have known it was that bad.  So, he's on his first course of antibiotics and last night was a full night's sleep for the first time in a few days.  But oh, that first night alone at my parents' was pretty miserable.  By the end of the weekend, I was really wondering when my medal was going to show up. 

And if this tells you anything, I have been trying to write this post since the end of the weekend.  It has been one of those weeks.  Not bad, mind you, just busy.  My job has exploded (I currently have over 50 tasks assigned to me, if you can believe that, and at least 40 of those have come in in the past week), I'm trying to plan Carter's birthday, take care of the dishes and laundry, keep the kitchen cabinets stocked, and stay awake long enough at night to accomplish at least a couple things every night.  I have a very long to do list and it seems like it will never get done!  I'm tired and sometimes it seems like it's all too much.  I wouldn't change things (not much, anyway), but yeah, a medal wouldn't be a bad token now and then. 

There's so much more I want to write, but I'm so sleepy that I can't even think.  I'll leave you with a picture I took of Jacob and me at the lacrosse game...

 

Old Photos

Yesterday my dad sent me some pictures of Jacob from when he was about the same age Carter is now.  I always love to see pictures I haven't seen before, or in a while, or that I forgot existed.  Sometimes I feel like photos are little puzzle pieces that make up our lives.  So much of my childhood is tied up in the photo albums at my parents' house.  In fact, I often make mental notes about things I want to look up the next time I go there.  Most recently it was when I got my first bike for Christmas (four years old), and before that I was wondering about different Halloween costumes.  I remember a lot of things about my childhood (more than the average person, I'd guess), but for the mundane details, those photo albums are key.  In some cases I do the same thing with my own photos to pinpoint timing and things like that.

I, too, had recently been looking at pictures of Jacob from when he was around 11 months.  From what I see, Jacob looked older than Carter.  Jacob seemed to have more hair by this point (Carter's is getting long on the back and sides but is still fine and short up top), but Carter has more teeth (he has 7-1/2 right now, and I think Jacob was lucky if he had four).  Maybe it's just perspective, maybe it's Carter's chubby cheeks...I have no idea, but Jacob just looks older.  Heck, just looking at the pictures I feel like Jacob was so much more "accomplished" (for lack of a better word) at that point, even though I know for a fact that Carter has been crawling longer.  It's so weird.  For reference, here's Jacob right around 11 months...

 

And now Carter...

 

 

More and more I don't think they look anything alike!  I see facial features that can look similar, but as a whole, they're very different.  In more ways than one!

 

Anyway, now that we've had that fun...the serious stuff.  I'll admit that I have a bit of a hard time looking at old pictures of Jacob now.  I mean, I love them and treasure each one...but sometimes it's hard for me to reconcile the fact that the sweet baby that I adored so much is now so frustrating and professes his dislike for me on a daily basis.  I thought that might be the case when he was 15, not when he's five. 

 

I think that old pictures are great for two reasons: 1) Recalling good memories; 2) Realizing how far you've come.  Recalling good memories still applies, but looking at how far we've come...well...in the first place, that's a little hard when you have that disconnect between who Jacob was then and who he is now.  On top of that, the beauty of seeing how far you've come is that it inspires hope for the future.  You've seen your child grow and change so much, and it makes you excited for all there is to come.  But when the future is such a question mark, that anticipation just isn't there.  At least, not in the same way.

 

Not that this is something I dwell on, but I've definitely thought about parents who have lost kids and wondered how they feel about pictures of their kids.  Do they savor and seek out every one to absorb every single moment involving their kids that they can?  Or does it hurt too much to look at those pictures knowing that they're a complete set and there's no potential for more?  In most cases it's probably a mix depending on the moment. 

 

I know our situation is very different because Jacob is alive and well, but he's definitely a different kid than he was, particularly when we're looking at the age Carter is now.  At that point there was no hint we'd be in the situation we're in now.  While I like to think Carter's personality is very different, I can't say for sure.  It breaks my heart even thinking that we could be in this same situation with him someday.  And when I look into the face of my baby Jacob, it breaks my heart even more to think about the anger and frustration I've felt when dealing with him in these past six months.  I could never feel that way about that baby, so why do I feel that way about the big kid version?  Well, the constant beatings and rude, hurtful backtalk probably have something to do with it, but I just don't know how we got here from there. 

 

I love those pictures, but there's a little bit of sadness hanging on each one knowing that the smile we were so happy to capture just isn't the same anymore.  Oh, how I wish we could find that kid again.

Flashback

A couple weeks ago, a show I had set up to automatically tape on the DVR started popping up again with new episodes.  The show is called "Something Borrowed, Something New" and it's on TLC.  It's about daughters whose moms want them to wear their wedding dress, and a designer transforms the mom's dress into something awesome.  The bride then has to choose between a new dress and the reworked dress.  It's a fun little show and I remember watching it last winter.  In fact, I recall eagerly watching the two episodes that taped every Friday night when I was home alone with Carter during my maternity leave.  Seeing that show pop back up in my shows and watching it again has been a funny little throwback to that whirlwind couple months at the end of last winter. 

Even weirder...right around the time Carter was born, there was another TLC show that was just about to premiere.  I watched a LOT of TLC the entire time I was off, from the couple days I spent in the hospital, right through my seven weeks off, and during that time, I must have seen a few hundred commercials for this one show - "Welcome to Myrtle Manor".  There was a very obnoxious, repetitive commercial for it, particularly at the beginning, and I swear that if there was a soundtrack to my maternity leave, that would have been on it.  I watched a couple episodes once it premiered, but after my maternity leave I sort of forgot it existed.  Well, a couple weeks ago, I saw a commercial for the new season of the show.  The second I heard the name, I was momentarily, instantaneously transported back to last February with a clear vision of how I spent my maternity leave.  It was so weird how the mere mention of the name of a show I had forgotten about (albeit by the same voice that did the original commercial) instantly took me back.  I never realized how much of an impact that show had on that phase of my life.  I can probably say the same for a couple other commercials, too, but that one definitely gave me a "Pavlov" moment.

I had another moment like that, too, when I was hanging out at my parents' house a few weeks back and heard one of them playing Candy Crush on the iPad.  I gave up on level 65 ages ago, but that game was my constant companion during night feedings.  The music brings back memories of those otherwise quiet, middle of the night moments. 

I still look back so fondly on my maternity leave.  It was so peaceful and fulfilling, which shocked me considering how hard my maternity leave with Jacob felt.  I don't know why they were so different, but all I can figure is this:

1) This time the house was my comfortable little cocoon shielding me from winter, whereas with Jacob it was a 90-degree furnace.  I also appreciated not having to go out or commute in the crappy winter weather, whereas with Jacob I felt like I should go outside to escape the heat in the house and to appreciate the summer...but it was such a process to go out, so I was plenty happy to stay in the house as much as possible this time.

2) Jacob was a terrible napper and I felt compelled to try to get things done around the house so often that I found myself constantly frustrated when he'd wake up early.  This time I just tried to appreciate Carter's presence and enjoy my time with him.  He spent a lot of time in my arms and was therefore a good napper...as long as I was holding him.  But since I was okay with that from the get-go, it didn't bother me.

3) Everything started off so chaotic with Jacob and I can't help but wonder if I just never settled in quite right.  This time everything went off without a hitch--well, at least once I got over being shell-shocked from delivering three weeks early after my water broke out of the blue at work.  But I was half-expecting to go early and everything went so well afterward that everything just settled into place.  I was also so grateful for the "normal" experience that I soaked up every moment of it.

As we head into the same time of year that was the stretch run last year, I'm certainly thinking back to everything that's happened in the past year.  This was where it all started and it marked the last period I can refer to as "blissful" in our lives.  In comparison to now, anyway.  It's been a crazy year for sure, but when it comes down to it, I can't believe Carter's been here almost a full year!  This time of year drives that point home loud and clear, and it brings with it the reality--we have a party to plan!  That's a new one for this time of year, for sure!

Life just keeps moving...

I believe I've mentioned here a time or two that I have two friends with kids who have cancer.  One is a husband and wife that I knew in college, and their little girl, Amanda, was diagnosed with tumors on her spine back in the fall of 2012.  The other is a co-worker of mine who's been on leave for about eight months or so, first because she had hyperemesis early in her pregnancy early last summer, and then just as she was set to come back to work, her two-year-old son, Roman, was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia.  I've been following both of their stories on CaringBridge and Facebook since they each began, and as a parent it absolutely breaks your heart to see all that they've each gone through in their cancer journey.  We've been through so much with Jacob, but for all of his issues they should not be life-threatening.  Facing down the mortality of your child has to be beyond agonizing and whenever I think of what each set of parents must be going through, it makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide.  I'm sure they'd like to too, sometimes, but we all know as parents that you have no choice but to keep going and fighting for your child, no matter the battle.  I don't know how they do it.

Early on, Amanda's prognosis didn't seem particularly terrible.  Scary, yes, but never was there any indication that she couldn't beat it.  She had radiation and went through it like a champ, but in the end the tumors didn't go away.  Subsequent rounds of chemo have slowed their growth, but not to the point where things are getting better.  She's still a happy, active little girl most of the time, but lately she's been having seizure episodes.  No long term damage that they can see, but scary stuff all around.  They're still trying to find the right treatment to get her better.

Roman's case started out looking pretty serious.  It was a rare form of leukemia for kids, and the statistics weren't particularly positive.  Still, he went through multiple rounds of chemo from August to December, the last of which pretty much destroyed his immune system completely as part of the treatment.  It's the closest thing to a bone marrow transplant that they can do, and it takes a while for the body to rebuild itself after constantly being knocked down.  He had one scary episode where he got very sick for a week or so as a result of the low immune system, but fortunately he was able to battle back.  His treatments ended just before Christmas, and all of his tests are coming back perfectly so he's officially in remission!  I'm so happy for all of them and pray that he stays healthy from here on out.  The good news came just in time, since his mom had been so busy living in the hospital with him and being his main caretaker that she barely had time to prepare for baby #2, whose arrival was merely a month away!

I know them each from different walks of life, but their paths actually crossed independently of me a month or so ago.  Early on I did mention to Amanda's mom that my friend's son had been diagnosed and asked if I could pass her name along in case my friend needed an experienced person to turn to.  That never happened because I think everything was so busy and so overwhelming after Roman's diagnosis that she never got around to it, but in December they were both in the hospital at the same time for complications, and at that point they were introduced through a local organization that helps families through the cancer process.  I was happy to hear they'd met, because they're all great people and I like the thought of them being in each others' lives for mutual support.

Over the past couple days they've each had significant happy things going on, and in the midst of all they've both been dealing with, I think it's neat to see that life does indeed go on despite their circumstances.  Early Sunday morning Roman's mom became a mom of two with the arrival (a few days ahead of schedule) of her baby boy.  All is well and I sincerely hope she has plenty of opportunity to enjoy her time with both of her healthy little boys!

Today is Amanda's fifth birthday.  It comes on the heels of a very difficult few days with another seizure episode and some tough decisions surrounding her treatment, but they are so grateful to have this milestone birthday to celebrate, and fortunately she was feeling good for her party over the weekend.  This morning her mom shared a video online of Amanda's first five years.  It really puts everything in perspective--how a seemingly normal, lively little girl (just like any of our kids) can suddenly have her life turned upside down by illness.  If you have a few minutes, please go watch the video and send up a prayer for her.  She and her family could really use it.  But for today, they're content just to celebrate rather than dwell on the sadness.

As a parent I find these parents so inspiring.  Whenever I feel bad about our situation or find myself complaining about a first-world problem, I always tend to think about these two families and all that they've been through.  Our situation is not easy, for sure, but it could be worse.  Neither of these families is out of the woods (are you ever with cancer?), but I admire how both are able to celebrate the little moments with so much more gusto because of all that they've been through.  I hope that I can keep that in mind in my own life when it seems hard to bypass the small stuff and see the bigger picture of how blessed we are.  No, it doesn't change our reality, but it can help us fight another day because we know just how good it can be.

This Week in Blog History

It's amazing to think that this blog has been going on for over six years now.  When I started it I had no idea how long I'd really keep it up.  I did well with a website back in the day, but eventually I stopped updating that...but would it be any different when it was about my own family?  Turns out I shouldn't have worried.  I do wonder how long I can keep this up, and I worry about Carter getting the shaft in the long run since I've documented more than five years (and counting) of Jacob's life, and what if I can't do the same for Carter?  Still, six years of posts is pretty amazing.

Sometimes it's fun to look back and see how we've progressed.  A while back I did a post like this and planned on doing it more when blog fodder was low, but I don't really think I ever did.  So, today, I will.  As a side note, we learned this weekend that Carter can climb stairs (while having a grown-up shadow, of course!) and that he's getting much closer to saying "Mama".  Well, he can say it, but we're not sure he gets it yet.  But he might, ever so slightly.  Fingers crossed on my end to make that word #1!  And now, without further ado...

2008 - I was doing some maternity shopping with mixed success.  I was waiting to feel baby movement.  I was enjoying most of pregnancy so far despite my all of my reading giving me a lot of things to worry about.  I put together a giant desk that moved into our office in order to accommodate some switcheroos happening in making our guest room into the baby's room and the office into an office/guest room combo.  It was a cautiously exciting time in general...so many unknowns, but so many exciting new things ahead.

2009 - Jacob was seven months old (equivalent to Carter when we were in Disney, for reference).  I was marveling at how life with a baby had become our new normal, and how exhausting but rewarding it all was.  Jacob was recovering from his second bout of bronchiolitis, both of which left him with nasty coughs that lasted for months.  Fortunately, he was in between bad bouts of sleeping troubles, which was a major relief.  He seemed to be getting closer to crawling, but in reality he still had more than a couple months before he accomplished that milestone.  He was still having a lot of trouble with solid foods, but I was hoping that daycare peer pressure would help him along there.  We also did our first visit with long-distance buddy Colin, who was a couple months younger than Jacob and in town visiting his grandparents with his mom Laurie.  It was so cute to see them together.

2010 - Jacob was nearing 18 months and was starting to talk.  He had a number of words in his vocabulary, including "Amerks" and "Knighthawks".  Very important words!  His love of sports was already quite clear, and in addition to running around the house with a stick of some sort, he was getting more creative in his play.  He was adjusting to his new daycare that he started at the beginning of the year, but it was a long process that involved a lot of tears and quite a few bad reports.  It seemed to take a long time for the folks at the new daycare to appreciate him the way the ones at the old daycare did, but now they love him despite his challenges.  His behavior was starting to get very challenging at times, and he even had recently jumped out of his crib in frustration one night.  We were in the process of selling our house, which was crazy.  We were close to getting an offer on our house, which was important to keep the deal we had on the house we have now.  Thank goodness it all worked out!  Craig and I enjoyed a night in Toronto without Jacob for a Knighthawks game, which was a nice break.  God knows we could use one of those right now!

2011 - We were starting to make real efforts to get Jacob potty trained.  I bought him underwear and created a potty chart.  It would be a while still before we had any success with that, though.  Nearly a year, I think!  We also had Jacob's mole removal surgery on his leg, which was stressful leading up to it but a non-event once it happened.  Luckily no other suspicious ones have showed up since.  The scar on his leg is barely visible, and someday it will all be covered in hair anyway!

2012 - Jacob was just getting over his pneumonia/strep throat/stomach bug debacle that almost landed him in the hospital.  He had crushes on his daycare teachers, and even claimed to have sent one birthday flowers from her boyfriend!  We were in the process of trying for baby #2, but pretty much at the point where we had to take a break from trying because of our upcoming trip to Florida--which of course didn't happen when it was supposed to after all.  The break was to avoid being massively pregnant when the trip was supposed to happen.  I pondered the reasons why God was allowing us to go through the fertility issues, and most of my reasons ended up being pretty true.  We were starting to deal with some of Jacob's behavior issues, but he was also showing us amazing skills like doing puzzles, which was really cool to see.

2013 - I was largely pregnant and getting very uncomfortable.  The bad pressure was starting and while I didn't know it at the time, I was only about 3-4 weeks away from Carter's arrival.  I was really worried about going early for a lot of reasons, and the discomfort was really starting to get to me.  We had gotten some major projects around the house taken care of, but the baby's room still needed a lot of work.  My co-workers threw me a small, surprise shower which gave me a big gift card that got used up pretty quickly when I went to replenish our stock of baby stuff!  I was worrying about life with two kids, and even wrote a letter to an as-yet-unnamed Carter about being baby boy #2 in our home.  I told him about his brother, about how I'd wanted a girl, how this pregnancy (and all the waiting leading up to it) had been, and encouraged him to stay in there as long as possible.  At least he listened for a little bit!

It's hard to believe how much history we've got behind us in this parenting gig, considering this was just a week out of each year and there were a lot of significant things happening almost every year.  As much as I'd like to think things were so much simpler then, I know that each period had stresses of its own (though, of course, nothing quite as serious and concrete as we're dealing with now, with major behavioral concerns and serious, permanent diet changes).  It's quite the history I'm writing, though, isn't it?

The Day Gluten Got Him

So...yesterday.  Craig called me when I was in the car on my way to get Carter.  He'd already gotten Jacob and they were at Wegmans picking up snacks and a movie.  As an afterthought, he said to me, "Hey, Jacob ate gluten today."  What the...?  We're still not sure what happened.  He ate pretzel goldfish.  That we know.  He says that someone at afterschool told him they were okay, but that person denied saying that.  The afterschool folks are well aware of his issue, though I'm not sure how fully they understand Celiac disease in general.  Still, I don't really think they'd tell him they're okay.  At the same time, Jacob has always been almost more conscientious than us.  What he lacks in literacy and general education, he makes up for in watching what he can.  For example, a couple times he's told me that he's thrown things out at lunch because the lunch lady opened it for him and her gloves touched things with gluten.  Whether or not that's really the case or whether it would have made a difference, I'm not sure.  But he's always looked out for stuff like that, and he usually knows better than to eat things that people offer him, so I'm confused. 

One theory I have is that he did it on purpose.  That sounds ridiculous, but he's been a little disgruntled lately about his diet.  He won't usually complain about it outright, but I can tell he's sad when he asks if things have gluten and I say yes.  What he does do is tell us he doesn't like certain foods that he should like.  Granted, a lot of our food has changed a bit in recent months.  We still haven't found a homemade pizza crust we like, and a lot of other foods have been tweaked slightly.  But he's now complaining about things that he ate fine for the first couple months, or things that there's no reason he should complain about (like our spaghetti, which is almost identical right down to the sauce).  He's complained about the bread, rolls, pizza, spaghetti, pretzels, cookies, crackers, cereal, cheese, and everything else possible, even though some of them are the same things he's always eaten and liked.  My theory is that he's complaining about everything in hopes that we'll give in and let him eat food with gluten.  He's practically admitted to it without using those words.  Obviously that's not happening, but Jacob isn't exactly a kid who accepts reality. 

So, part of me wonders if he did it because he convinced himself he could eat gluten and he wanted to rebel against us.  It's hard to say, and we will certainly be chatting with the afterschool folks on Tuesday, but it doesn't really matter at this point.  He ate it.  And I can bet he won't willingly do it again.  It's been bad.  Not as bad as it could have been, but bad.

He seemed off when he got home last night.  He was tired.  Awake enough to play video games, but very unwilling to move unnecessarily.  In the meantime, I was having a hard time figuring out dinner.  There are many places that we could go to dinner menu-wise, but we're always hesitant to do so because the risk of cross-contamination is pretty high.  Fast food is an issue, and because we thought that Jacob's behavior seemed tied to possible cross-contamination issues, we were always hesitant to bring that on ourselves.  Well...knowing he had already had gluten, it seemed like cross-contamination wouldn't be the difference between sanity (which, honestly, we haven't had in a few weeks) and craziness, so I figured we could try one of the borderline places.  I don't want to sound blasé, because I know any gluten isn't good, but exposure wasn't a sure-thing anyway.  I just figured it wasn't going to make much of a difference considering what he'd eaten earlier so we might as well take advantage.  So, I went to McDonald's to pick up our food.  They were very confused by my order, but they seem to have a pretty good handle on allergies so I think we may try again when we need something quick on the go. 

He ate his cheeseburger (no bun), a couple fries, and his apples, but by then it was apparent that he was feeling the effects.  He was exhausted and didn't want to move.  He fell asleep during a movie and Craig put him in bed, but he woke up  a little while later sad and uncomfortable.  He thought he was going to be sick so we set up the "puke zone" in his room (comforter on the floor for him to sleep on, bucket nearby) and Craig stayed in there for part of the night.  He called for Craig again in the middle of the night, but no puking, thankfully.  He and Craig snoozed on and off until 10am, and then Jacob spent the entire day on the couch.  He got up a couple times to go to the bathroom, but that was about it.  He could barely lift his head up.  His belly hurt, he had a low-grade fever, and he was congested.  We figure it may be a combination of the gluten and a cold coming on.  Either way, he was so sad and so pathetic.  He barely ate, even things he loves.  He didn't play at all.  My parents were here for the day and he barely responded.  We had to miss both Jacob's lacrosse game and the Knighthawks game tonight.  He perked up a little bit when he got to watch the game online, talking a little more and sitting up, but he conked out just as quickly.  Poor kid.

He's lucky because his symptoms weren't that bad.  They'll probably get worse the longer he's off gluten, but this time was bad enough and he didn't even have to battle the constant bathroom visits that a lot of people do when this happens.  The odd thing is that I can't help but wonder about the times that we thought he might have been exposed to gluten.  There have been times where he's had some small exposures or we thought he might have been exposed.  Those times it seems like his behavior just went a little haywire.  The difference this time is so huge that I wonder if he really did get exposed most recently.  In that case, the difference between the levels is surprising.  Or...maybe his most recent spike in bad behavior has nothing to do with gluten.  It definitely leaves us with questions, but one thing is not in question--that gluten no longer agrees with him.  If he did this on purpose, I can tell you that I don't envision him doing it again.  Now, he might convince himself that something else won't do the same thing, but hopefully we can make it very clear that gluten food will do this to him every time, if not worse.   Hopefully he'll be better in the next day or so, but he could be off for a week.  It's quite the price to pay for one bad decision made by a five year old boy. 

Gluten stinks.  Again.