Stuck

Lately the word that has been coming to mind for me is "stagnant".  So many things just feel stuck in the muck, so to speak.  Everything just feels like some variety of boring, limited, unmoving, or inescapable.  Not in a terrible, horrible way, but in a way that definitely ups the baseline of anxiety and makes it hard to feel excited about or inspired by much.

The weather, for starters, has been pretty awful.  Carter's game last weekend was probably the second coldest sporting event I've sat through, second to one of Jacob's lacrosse tournaments when it was sleeting.  When the sun was out, it wasn't bad, but when it wasn't--and especially when the wind blew--it was rough.  And it was May 2nd.  Tuesday was just about as bad, except the bigger problem was wind-driven rain.  It took until last night to get one that wasn't generally miserable, actually.  We've had a couple decent days here and there, but the weather is remaining about 10+ degrees below average for another week or so.  It feels like a cruel joke, and it's frustrating because everything is blooming and it feels like we should be out enjoying it, but I haven't even wanted to walk much lately because it's been so cool and I'm just over bundling up.  We also had the rainiest March-April span since 1873, and the third rainiest spring ever at the moment, so that's been another issue.  We've barely been able to walk in our backyard since it thawed--and of course, when I did I found what I believe is a dead hawk carcass.  Great.  Maybe I'd care a little less if we didn't have baseball games to sit through (or have happen at all), but this month includes a big walking challenge at work and I'd really like to feel excited about taking my daily walk.  So, the weather just feels stuck in early spring mode.

Speaking of baseball, here's a pretty pic I took of Carter after one of his games.  It looks nice, and it was a warm day, but up in Greece it was about 20 degrees colder than other parts of Rochester!

Everything about living in this country feels heavy right now.  There's daily bizarreness coming from the Oval Office (or at least his social media account), inflation is sky high, gas is ridiculous because of a war no one really wanted us to jump into, and you can just feel the overwhelm from people.  Voting rights took a hit last week, ICE is still on the prowl, food and healthcare costs are through the roof for many people, and you can just sort of sense this anxiety from anyone who isn't "rich" because everything feels so much harder right now.  And yet half the country (although that number seems to be declining with each day and each stunt) still thinks everything's fine because this administration is literally lying about how good things are.  Living in a constant state of gaslighting is so mentally draining.  And it just feels like we're either stuck in this mess for another 2-1/2 years (even though the midterms should be a decisive victory in areas where Republican gerrymandering isn't happening right now), or something horrible is going to come to a head and it's going to get worse before it can get better.  So many people are scared or suffering, and it's a lot.  Trump unveiled a golden statue of himself the other day, and religious leaders were celebrating it.  Like...what?!

The economy and all of the increased costs has me feeling very stuck.  We have a lot of expenses right now since we're still working through our out-of-pocket max on insurance, paying for basketball travel, and all along paying for tuition and two newer vehicles.  Add that to a roof replacement over a year ago, and things feel tighter than I'd like.  And we're about to start paying even more tuition, so despite Craig getting a nice bump last year, it still doesn't feel like we have a lot of flexibility.  I still really want to redo my kitchen, and there are a few other house projects I want to feel rich enough to do.  But between the money and the mental load of those projects, it's just not happening.  In the past couple years I've gotten a bit down about real estate listings.  I've gotten emails from Zillow for years with houses in our area, and I enjoy looking at them and maybe even dreaming about what I'd like someday.  But especially lately, it's saddened me that there is absolutely zero chance we could move without ending up in financial ruin.  Between inflated house prices, the resulting higher taxes, and high mortgage rates, there's no way that anything would be doable, even a somewhat lateral move.  Feeling stuck like that is just deflating.  We had a house in our neighborhood go on the market a couple weeks ago, and while it's even less likely we'd move within our own town, let alone to a house that has the same bathroom capacity as we have now, the house is super pretty.  It's an odd contemporary split that I've calculated must have five levels--a small basement under the main level, a lovely ground level family room, then up a level is a lovely, bright, high-ceilinged living room that is overlooked by a dining area and kitchen (open through a pass-through window), followed by the bedroom level a few more steps up.  For some reason a couple of those spaces caught my fancy (and the yard is interesting too), and not that we would have bought it, but it definitely bummed me out thinking about it and how impossible it would be even if we found the perfect place.  I had a similar feeling when another house around the corner had a gorgeous kitchen that I pinned a picture of because it's my new backup plan for my own kitchen.  But just that feeling that it's not even a possibility is sad, and knowing that even home improvement projects feel like more than we can do right now is discouraging.  I wasn't planning on spending double on gas or groceries right now, let alone everything else.  I might feel better about things if the boys would get better about their messes and I could get the energy to organize and declutter, because that all contributes to feeling like we don't have enough space, but it's such a losing battle right now.

Lately my desire to escape has been strong, and of course that's been complicated by the money stuff above, but also, I likely won't be able to take advantage of much of Jacob's basketball travel to scratch that itch.  Now that Craig's season is over (no playoffs, boo), he's taken over the travel again.  That's mostly Jacob's preference as he and I are not the best of travel buddies sometimes.  Craig is probably a lot more go-with-the-flow and also tends to be a bit more free-spending than my frugal self, which helps.  The trade-off is a lack of pre-planning, but I guess Jacob's willing to deal with that.  But because Carter has Friday and weekend games, our ability to join trips is limited unless he wants to skip.  He's barely been playing, so there might be a trip next week where I might encourage him to do just that, but it's hard knowing there's adventure to be had and I can't do it.  Pittsburgh was fun, and I did get to do my Highland Park visit a week ago, but I've just been wanting a bit more.

Here are some highlights of the Highland Park evening, which was a little chilly but still pleasant:

Lovely tulips!

Even though these were a bit raggedy (not sure if it was rain or cold or what), they were still gorgeous.

I always look for these in one spot.  They're different but still pretty.

I hit the magnolias at a lovely golden hour again.  The colors were lovely.

Such a happy daffodil

One of the few blooms in the azalea/rhododendron section

My favorite tree!  Pardon the hand--getting good light and no blur, while reaching up on a slope, was tough!

Such a lovely sunset over the reservoir

Same view with blooms of Koreanspice viburnum in the foreground

Magnolias in the fading light

It was a nice evening walk despite the chill, although it was clearly a bit earlier than some years since a few spots had less to see, like the azalea area.  But it was nice to see more of the magnolias (although, oddly, a third were spent, a third were perfect, and a third were unopened), and the tulips were nearly pristine with only one variety spent and one unopened.  Lilacs are opening now, despite the cold, just in time for the Lilac Festival this weekend.

I'm also feeling a little stuck in a rut with my health.  I did have one clear test for some lady part issues--nothing serious, but with the back pain I'd had in January and one minor issue I'd been experiencing (which otherwise had an easy explanation), it felt worth checking.  But I can tell my body is battling hard against peri-menopause.  At least, that seems to be the catch-all for most women's random issues.  My tennis elbow isn't really responding to physical therapy as well as my shoulder impingement did a while back, and in fact now the other shoulder is badly impinged, so my right arm is not particularly useful currently.  I sleep with wrist braces on most nights to help with my hands going numb, which does cut waking up down to roll over to maybe once or twice a night.  I can feel arthritis creeping into my hands and each day seems to be part of a rotation of random body aches or issues.  A pulled neck muscle after yard work last weekend, knee pain while walking the other day, a sore left elbow just for fun some mornings.  I don't know at what point I should start asking harder questions about the state of my connective tissues, but we'll see.  I've also put on about five pounds in the last few months, despite not much of a change in lifestyle or eating habits, and it's mostly around my midsection.  I know that getting back to walking and some modest diet changes should help, but I can't say I'm confident they will.  I am trying a new supplement, berberine, which is supposed to help regulate blood sugar and lower cholesterol, among other things.  It's sort of like a GLP-1 med without feeling so extreme.  I'm currently ramping up my dose, so we'll see if it feels like it helps.  I do feel a little less snacky, so maybe?  But the chronic discomfort makes it hard to feel energetic, so I just sort of feel stuck there too.

The boys are good other than Carter not playing as much as he'd like and Jacob dragging himself through the last month of his school year.  The prep school thing is a go, so we'll be starting to prepare for that before you know it.  Craig's season is over, so he's trying to find his offseason groove.  We were hoping Carter would have gotten his coach's respect by now, but apparently that "team manager" designation that got him on the team is holding him back, because he's definitely not getting the equal playing time they're supposed to have at this level.  He's done the work, done well when called upon, but he's just not playing.  He didn't even play at all in a close game last night.  It's so strange, especially since he played with five of his teammates last year and was better than maybe all of them.  It seems like the coach has a preference for a group of travel kids, but we don't know the connection.  It's deflating and frustrating to seemingly not have the ability to earn time.  Jacob is still struggling a bit through his travel season, as well.  He had a swelled up finger for this weekend's trip, which didn't help, and he didn't get a lot of action on day one.  Oh, and he and Craig also got rained out trying to go to a Red Sox game.  Ugh.

I know that despite all of the frustrations, we still have a lot to be thankful for.  We have a house, good families, (mostly) good health, and even if it feels tight, financially we're still better off than a lot of people.  The good weather will come, adventures will happen, and beauty will abound.  I just wish it didn't feel like such a battle to get there.