So, I don't have ADHD.
According to the professionals, anyway. A few weeks ago I went through all of the evaluations, and I just didn't have enough criteria for a diagnosis. Not enough in childhood, not enough now. Of course, I felt like a lot of that was because I've gotten pretty good over the years at masking my symptoms. No, I wasn't overactive, but I endlessly doodled or read ahead or daydreamed in school. I talked way too much--in fact, that's about the only thing I usually got in trouble for. But ultimately I was so grades-motivated that I found ways to overcome those things. I was a rule follower, so I didn't have the typical tendencies to act out in physical ways, other than being chatty. But I've always been a serial procrastinator, and I definitely have some hyperfocus tendencies going all the way back to childhood.
As an adult, I've had a job, husband, house, and kids, so I haven't had much choice other than to be on the ball with almost everything. There are some things that literally have to get done, or the house won't be functional. Some of that involves social pressure that's kept me motivated, or not wanting to let my family down. But a lot of the time, I can only convince myself to do things if the consequence of not doing it is worse than the original thing. But it usually takes a long time for my brain to get to that point, much longer now than it ever has. So I can get things done, but it's always a process. For example, I've been trying to write this post for nearly a month.
The lack of a diagnosis doesn't mean I still don't feel like I'm dealing with something, especially in the last few years. I noticed a shift around COVID--my routines and activities shifted with a different household dynamic (and admittedly more electronics use). It never really went back to normal, and particularly in the last few years--and especially in the last six months--I've really noticed a shift that's made simple life functioning a lot harder. My boss (who is a lady of great life experience) says that it's perimenopause, and it very well might be. Of course, no one seems to know how to manage that, and my own doctor has already dismissed it a bit because I'm still on birth control, so my hormones can't be that out of whack. But it's making it hard to do the things I need to do, and not getting a diagnosis means that there likely aren't many shortcuts to take. I have to hope my therapist can now help me manage the symptoms I have, although she did hold out hope that maybe we could get the OK to treat the symptoms I do have anyway.
What are my symptoms, you might ask? Well, let's see...
1) Focus - My focus is completely shot most days. If it's not something I want to be doing, I am endlessly distracted. Work has become extra challenging. If it's something I know how to do and has the steps laid out for me, it's easier, but just getting started feels overwhelming some days, even if it's something I'm comfortable with. It's like, if my brain has to work hard to think through something, it feels like too much. I also struggle with multitasking, probably because I momentarily lose track of what step is next for one thing when I'm doing a step for the other. For example, clicking between screens on my computer is weirdly disorienting and it always takes me an extra half a second to remember what I was clicking back to do. I feel like that happens with cooking lately, too, where I get so caught up in one task that I forget to start another. Lately I also lose my train of thought so quickly. I can have it in my head that I need to do something, and some shiny object captures my eye and it's gone. I'll open up my phone to look up something, see a notification or a different app, and immediately forget what I opened it up to do. It's so frustrating. I definitely have more squirrel moments than ever.
2) Avoidance - As I said, I really struggle to start projects or work through complicated things. I try to keep a to-do list on my phone to keep me on task and lay out my options for downtime, but sometimes it's still hard to motivate myself to do things anyway. Items languish on that list for weeks or longer. Some of it is anxiety, for sure--a concern that I won't be able to do something or won't be able to think through a process--but sometimes it's just a mental exhaustion I don't know how to counteract. I will spend hours on my phone because it's mindless and doesn't feel as complicated or overwhelming as choosing another activity. Even things I like get put off because it just feels like more than my brain is willing to do at any given moment. I used to think Carter was just being lazy that he rarely played with any toys that weren't right in front of his face. But now I suspect I know what was happening - his brain just went to the lowest common denominator and screens were always easier than trying to decide what to do or dig through bins or shelves to find something better. Like, I could go watch a show, but which show? And what else should I be doing instead? Well, I don't know, so I'll just sit here on my phone until inspiration strikes, and often that won't happen until bedtime. Sometimes I have a series of busy evenings on top of a long work day--I have to work around Jacob's practice schedule, cook dinner (sometimes twice), clean up, go to Wegmans, pick up around the house, fold laundry, etc., and all I really want to do is veg out with my phone. I forget that I wanted to work out or that I needed to get something done. So my brain goes to a place where I just don't want to be busy or needed, or have to pay attention to the million things I should be doing around the house. I literally don't know how people who are cleaning fanatics have any downtime, because I feel like I could be cleaning and scrubbing and decluttering every moment of every day and never catch up. I realize when it's clean it's easier to keep up, but when I finally do clean my house, which is challenging, I rest on my laurels for a bit and suddenly it's a mess again. Or I walk in the kitchen 10 minutes later to crumbs on the counter and floor and immediately get discouraged and overwhelmed. And as I've mentioned, the boys--as much as I love them--just don't see it. It's impossible to keep up, and sometimes my brain just wants to give up trying.
3) Decision-making - I have always been indecisive, but with certain things it's gone to the next level. I will stare at my clothes or jewelry and just feel stumped about what to wear. Sometimes it's simple indecision about what I want to project that day, but other times I look at half my closet and I'm not sure any of it feels like "me". I don't know when that changed or why. Maybe it's the extra cold winter that's made it almost impossible to wear high heels or dresses, or maybe my brain is so focused on comfort that jeans win most days. Or maybe my brain just can't process the series of decisions that some of the clothes involve. Sometimes I just can't put my finger on who or what I'm feeling like on any given day. For example, in the past I might wake up feeling like I want to be girly, or comfortable and sporty, or professional. Most days I just don't see anything that feels like I want to feel, if that makes sense. Dinner is even worse. For years during and after the pandemic, I was able to plan our dinners a week in advance. Right now I can't even plan a day. Some of that is Jacob's crazy basketball schedule, but most of it is Jacob having weird preferences--almost to the point of food aversions--or paranoia about whether I'm preparing his food safely. He doesn't want to eat most of what I make anymore, and it's made my brain want to avoid it completely. I just can't process all of the criteria in order to pick a dinner that fits them all. It's like setting myself up for failure most days, and I suppose my anxiety throws up a roadblock on planning because I simply don't know what to do. Picking a free time activity is equally challenging. Should I blog, read, watch a show, or maybe make some jewelry? Do I have enough time for any of it? Maybe it's just easier to sit on my phone because I can stop it quicker. Do I have any inspiration for my jewelry? Do I want to think deeply to finish that blog post? Am I awake enough to read? It's analysis paralysis all over the place. I hate it.
I'm sure there's more, but those are the big ones. I'm just so tired of fighting against my own brain (and body for that matter--but that's another story for another day). While help may not come in the way I expected, hopefully help will come.
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