Heavy

This week has felt so heavy.  I don't know if it's being compounded by the early sunset post-time change, or what, but I am just feeling everything so heavily this week.  My empath meter feels off the charts, and it's exhausting.

Election Day was Wednesday.  I decided to vote despite it being an off year because our town supervisor race was on the ballot and I felt pretty strongly that I didn't want one guy there.  The guy I voted for won, which was good, but the more interesting revelation from the day is that there was a giant, very clear Blue Wave, locally and across the country.  Just a year after a very strong Republican outing, Democrats dominated.  They took over areas that had been red for years.  Heck, even that town supervisor race marked the first time a democrat has won that position in over 100 years.  Maybe Republicans got complacent because they're content with what's happening right now, but this seemed like a very clear message that many people are NOT happy with the current state of affairs.  And even though that's not a surprise, I think seeing those results coming from so many areas made it all really hit home how bad people are feeling right now.  Even though we're generally okay, knowing so many others are struggling is hard.

The government is in the midst of its longest shutdown ever.  Republicans blame Democrats, saying they're doing it because they want to give illegal immigrants free healthcare.  Now, illegal immigrants aren't even eligible for free healthcare, so that's a lie.  Democrats say they're holding out because the Affordable Care Act subsidies are about to expire and premiums are going to be unaffordable, so they need to use this as a bargaining chip.  Meanwhile, government employees are not getting paid, SNAP funding has been cut off (despite court orders to fund it), people are being detained by ICE agents for no reason, and the White House has had one wing knocked down (without proper approvals) to build a $300 million dollar ballroom.  The rich get richer and the wealth gap increases.  People are facing down serious suffering, and at least one side doesn't seem to care very much.

I struggle because people I like and respect are on social media perpetuating easily debunked lies about the shutdown, or defending things that would have been unthinkable even 10 years ago.  The hypocrisy is staggering at times.  For example, there was so much criticism about President Biden's health being kept secret, but here we are with a President that has a perpetually bruised hand and swollen legs, seems to be wearing a catheter, and had a "routine" MRI (which isn't actually a thing).  He goes on social media rants that can only be described as incoherent rambling and falls asleep routinely during meetings, so many suspect dementia is hitting hard.  I take a lot of it with a grain of salt, but the evidence does seem to be mounting.  Or this week, California approved a proposition for redistricting, which was a direct response to Trump having Texas and a number of other states redistrict ahead of the midterms to increase Republican seats.  But of course, Trump called California's illegal and insinuated the elections there were fraudulent.  But he's literally telling red states to do the exact same thing.  Like...what?

I think what's been so mentally difficult for me is that it feels like we're constantly being gaslit.  Trump will talk about how prices are down and the economy is better under him, but the facts (and people's lived experience) don't support it.  Things are expensive and about to get worse because healthcare costs are skyrocketing for everyone, not just ACA folks.  They insist ICE is taking criminals off the streets, but there are so many stories about legal citizens being detained in horrible ways and that the actual percentage of criminals is low.  We're attacking and killing people on boats near South America, claiming that they're drug boats, but there's been no evidence presented of that.  There's an elected Congressperson who they're refusing to swear in because she represents the last vote needed to release the Epstein Files, which will incriminate the President and a number of other prominent folks on both sides.  It seems every day they say something that is a clear lie, and we're just supposed to accept it?  It's getting hard to not feel like you're going crazy when so many people are still supporting this administration despite so much damning evidence.  I have come to the conclusion that hardcore Republicans must be living a different reality thanks to Fox News and others, so they literally DO believe these lies.  That makes it hard to debate when they are told we're the ones making things up.  

The funny thing is that I was a lifelong Republican until Trump came along, and now I feel like the party is so unrecognizable that I'm not even sure where I would fall if things all went back to normal.  I feel like the Left pushes a lot of things way too far, but so much of what I'm seeing from the Right is so unfathomable that I feel like I can't get on board with that at all.  I feel like this week's Blue Wave is honestly less about policy and more about having a legitimate fear that any Republican candidate is a Trumper and shares the same extreme views.  If someone had a good platform and was an old-school Republican, I probably wouldn't hesitate to vote for them.  In fact, I'd love to scour the platforms of Republican candidates that have disavowed Trump to see what they have to offer.  But it's been so long since I've seen one that I have no idea whether it would resonate anymore, or whether my perspectives have changed so much that it would still feel too different.

The other funny thing is that most logical Americans, regardless of party, want the same thing.  I've seen some things that illustrate how we're all not that far off from each other, especially if we talk it through one-on-one, rather than lump everyone into a dehumanized stereotype.  The struggle is that we see very different routes to get to what we all want.  One side wants to bolster social programs, the other side wants to "teach a man to fish" so they can better help themselves.  One side wants common-sense gun laws to keep us safer, the other side talks about the Right to Bear Arms and how those weapons can make us safer.  Usually the best option for everybody is somewhere in between, but God forbid we figure out how to compromise.  We all want our country to thrive, but can't agree on how we do that.  

I've said many times that my problem with the current administration isn't so much WHAT it's doing (although sometimes it is), but rather HOW it's doing it.  Take the White House, for example.  I can absolutely see where a ballroom would be better than tents on the lawn, but making one that's so expensive and is nearly double the size of the rest of the White House, while tearing down a historical wing without proper approvals?  Ummm...no.  Illegal immigration has been an issue here, for sure, but ICE going into homes and schools like renegades and dragging people out, even if they have legal residency?  Or are actually citizens with the wrong skin color?  Or are children?  Or going to actual legal immigration hearings and violently detaining people who "did it the right way"?  That's just not the way to do it.  DOGE was supposed to cut wasteful spending, which is obviously something we should want, but the way they just went in and cut entire departments without understanding their purpose, or used their own flawed perceptions to say something wasn't needed (like anything related to DEI) is just thoughtless.  Research funding has been cut across the board because it was deemed wasteful, but some of those studies are extremely important to those suffering from diseases.  Studies that may not seem useful or relevant are actually building blocks for bigger-picture studies, but no one is taking the time to really dig into that.  There are unqualified, inexperienced people in roles they should never have, and it's showing.

It seems like every day there's a new news story or speech that boggles the mind.  I've tried explaining to my kids that almost every day, something happens that would have been career-ending for most politicians, but now people just shrug and make excuses.  You could go days or weeks without hearing from the President.  Not anymore.  It's turned into a total circus, and our foreign counterparts can't believe what they're seeing.  And as a Christian, I'm gutted by what Christian Nationalism has done to others' perception of religion.  Instead of being known for love and joy, outsiders see hate, exclusion, and illogical, cult-like devotion.  They see hypocrisy.  Jesus said to help the poor and immigrants, and this group claims faith while doing the exact opposite.  My brain just can't comprehend how we got here.  We're just so divided, and our own President (who they will defend and insist was put in place by God) has readily admitted to hating his enemies and only wants to govern for his own followers.  It's crazy.  I do think it's gotten so extreme that some are finally seeing the light (or at least questioning why prices haven't gone down), but it's probably not enough.  I hate to think how bad it will get before enough people realize how far off we've gone.

On a more personal note, part of the downside of the Blue Wave meant that Craig's brother lost his election to keep the Town Clerk spot he inherited when Craig's mom was named Town Supervisor.  He was very qualified for the position after working in the office for years, but the Democratic party turned on him and he had to run as a Republican, which likely hurt him in the end, in addition to some bad press and talks of nepotism.  He was also quite ill this week, so with that, the loss, and upcoming unknowns with his living situation when Craig's parents' new house is done in another month, it's a lot all at once.  I feel terribly for him.

Also this week, the daughter of a high school friend of mine has been hospitalized with sudden acute liver failure.  She's Jacob's age, healthy and about to be a D-I athlete, and suddenly is ill with a life-threatening condition that doctors took days to start gaining ground on.  She transferred to a hospital a few hours away to get better specialists.  It started to look like she'd need a transplant.  Thankfully living donors are typically easier to come by--and I did fill out the form--but after a biopsy determined that her liver is actually not that damaged, they think it's an infection and something called Wilson's disease.  They believe her liver will recover, but it's still going to be a long road, I think.  As a parent who's been through a few medical mysteries, a couple life-changing diagnoses, and enough anxiety to end up medicated, I'm just heartbroken because I can't imagine all that they're going through.  The sudden shock of something like that literally changes your brain chemistry, and I can't stop thinking about or praying for them.

After a couple weeks just feeling a bit down in the muck and very distracted, I vowed to myself that I needed to have a productive weekend.  I had so many things I'd been putting off or simply had to do (like open enrollment for our health insurance), and made my usual impossible-to-ignore to-do list heading into the weekend.  I forced myself to get a good head start Friday with a bunch of cleaning, laundry, and cleaning up piles and surfaces.  Today I had to do some running around with Jacob, but still managed to do the open enrollment, more laundry, and more cleaning.  Tomorrow I need to sort through the hand-me-downs to check for more clothes for Carter.  I have a couple more things I could work on, too, but that's the last big one.  It's progress, at least. 

Thanksgiving is in 2-1/2 weeks and I can't even begin to wrap my brain around decorating or present-buying.  People seem to be doing COVID-era early decorating again this year.  It's been more of a thing since then, but I feel like there is just a shameless push to decorate early this year.  As soon as Halloween was over, the trees were up.  It's probably because people are at a COVID-level of stress once again, due to all of the above, but it's giving me extra stress as a result.  Just thinking about dragging out all of my bins is tiring me out.  I love my decorations once they're up, but it's a lot of work.  I'm also worried about my tree, as the lights were starting to misbehave last year and I'm worried about what might happen when I pull it out this year.  Let's just say I'm savoring my turkey decor right now!

So, the beginning of November has been a lot, but on the bright side, I guess this usually-slow month is flying by already, so maybe I can't complain.  Although it is going to snow this week and there isn't even a hint of Indian Summer in the extended forecast, so I guess fall gave it up early and winter is taking over a little ahead of schedule.  Maybe it'll get me in the Christmas mood sooner then?  Just a couple more weeks before things get real...