I haven't been particularly inspired to write this week. It's been a complete slog. I've only taken 22 pictures the entire month of November, and about a third of them have been utilitarian things--like pictures of a nasty bite Craig got on his back that he could feel but not see, and instructions for a Sunday School craft project Carter didn't finish, among other things. To say it has been not-my-favorite month would be an understatement. Any good weather we've had lately I've either been stuck at work or otherwise unavailable to enjoy. Cold weather is officially on the way, too, so my comfortable-ish walking days are even more numbered than what the chill, rain, and darkness had already begun to limit. Near the end of the week it was beautifully snowing almost everywhere else from the midwest to the south, but not here...just lots of rain. Overall, this week was about what I would expect for the last full week before Thanksgiving--long, dreary, and a bit frustrating.
I had a close call with my car earlier in the week that reignited my anxiety in a big way--everything is (mostly) fine but it just really bugged me because I've been so nervous and trying to be so careful, and yet had this close call anyway. It was just a fluke thing, but most of my anxiety rests in how little control I actually have over many things (including my own abilities sometimes), so that just added to it. I'm managing, but that is NOT what I needed this week.
We've also had another round of health mysteries, which has just ratcheted things up even more. Jacob was convinced he had pneumonia earlier in the week. He was a little congested and was having chills (and maybe sweats), possibly a little gastro issue in there, and then got some chest pain while he was working out. But it was on the side of his chest which is really more of a lung area than a cardiac area, and we know his heart got the full seal of approval from the cardiologist a couple months ago, so we weren't really worried about that. It was happening more as he breathed, which made him think lung. There's also a kid on his team that has been hacking for weeks, but more than likely never got anything diagnosed. But Jacob didn't have a fever and wasn't really coughing the way I figured he should. He also wasn't dead tired like most people with pneumonia are, although he was a bit fatigued. I don't think he's sleeping well, for starters, and we all know how that messes things up for a growing athlete. He's also struggling with food--either not knowing what to eat, or not being in the mood for certain things, or having his reflux bug him to the point he doesn't feel like eating. I also think he's starting to get back into more real activity now that basketball is officially starting, and I think maybe he's just more out of shape than he thought. But it's hard to say. Pneumonia is around, for sure, but I didn't think that's what it was and when Jacob was frustrated that I was not wanting to take him to the pediatric urgent care the other night, I told him it would be the same thing as when we went over the summer--probably a virus so just wait it out. We ended up going to the pediatrician Thursday, as usual more for peace of mind than anything. I only relented because I did see that feeling cold could be a walking pneumonia thing, and a lot of sites said that most people don't realize they have it and just think they have a cold. But that visit ended up feeling like a total debacle because Jacob was downplaying his symptoms more than he was to us (he said the pain was lingering the other night, but told her it was just when he was working out) and in the end she was super focused on the cardiac aspect, probably because the rest of the exam didn't paint any sort of compelling case on the pneumonia end. They did an EKG which was fine, but he was mildly panicked they'd pull him out of basketball if there was any question. They basically left it at "probably a virus, test for COVID as that can have cardiac effects, and if anything more happens follow up with the cardiologist." Great. So now we wait to see if he has another spike in his weird other symptoms like has happened in the past after these minor cold viruses. His reflux was really bad the other night but then I realized he ran out of his reflux meds sometime this week, so that may have contributed.
I haven't been feeling 100% either. I've had issues with breast cysts in the past--nothing notable but I know they're there and they see them on my mammogram--and they've ramped up a bit again ahead of my annual imaging, just like they did last year. This year I have more soreness than I'm comfortable with, so I'm getting a little nervous. I have a friend whose wife is in the process of being biopsied for breast lumps, and a high school classmate of mine just got diagnosed with colon cancer, so of course those reality checks haven't helped matters. Odds are small, sure, but something is likely going on to flare things up like this, and as I've said before, when you see other people get bad news, you come to the realization that there's no reason it couldn't be you. I wore a far less structured bra for a couple days, which seemed to help a little. I know peri-menopause could also be starting to wreak some havoc, but I'm still on birth control (that's another issue for another day) so in theory that should be keeping things at bay. But perhaps I'd hate to see what would be happening without it? Regardless, I guess I'll know more on Monday.
Craig was gone again for part of this weekend, but things were otherwise pretty quiet so I was trying to think through what I could get done this weekend that would take some of the load off of the holiday season. I'm sort of the same way at work. I have a crushing amount of work this coming week and into the first week of December, so I spent my Friday work day trying to think through anything that I could do now, without creating more work for myself later because things might change too much if I'm too early. The holiday planning is much the same. I have barely even thought about Christmas lists even though there have been years where Thanksgiving fell today or even a couple days earlier. I brought up our little tree and assembled it this weekend, and on Sunday ended up doing the same with our big tree. I had some new figuring out to do with furniture this year since we rearranged things a while back. I had to move a chair to the basement and see if our recliner would fit in the corner with the shelf I moved there in the spring. I wanted to keep the shelf for decor purposes, but really didn't want to move it again. Thankfully it did. It's a little crowded but it works, and I can actually see the TV better than with the old setup. Getting that all out of the way ensures next weekend is purely decorating and not complete reorganizing, which is a big help mentally. It's still going to be exhausting, but it will be better. If I get really eager this week, maybe I'll even put the fall stuff away before we leave for the holiday. I'll hate doing it, but future me will thank me.
I had a couple food things I wanted to accomplish this weekend (the kids have been asking for churros, for starters--still hoping for this evening), but on weekends I really am valuing my own down time lately. I should get another book, I want to keep moving on my CD project (probably 3/5 done, just F-M left to go!), and I'd love to get back to my earring making, too. I'm still working on my physical therapy, too. It's gotten me to a point where it's probably 85% functional for normal life--I can reach and stretch mostly without pain, but it sounds like I might never get back to being able to do certain exercises like push-ups or shoulder presses, so that's a bit of a bummer because I hate doing workouts only to get to exercises I can't do. And shoulder presses are probably one of my favorites. Boo. It's just a degenerative thing so it may never be what it once was, even though I have no idea what did it in the first place. But at least it's getting better. Although my other shoulder started with a little twinge this weekend, so I think I'm just doomed right into old age now. Otherwise, I've been pleasantly productive with a touch of most of the above, plus a ton of laundry and other general cleaning and organizing to maintain my sanity. Oh, and I found a relatively helpful technique for my sleeping issues. I thought they were getting better once the car stress died down, but this week's stress started them back up again. I read a suggestion to start rattling off words that start with a certain letter--just make your brain come up with 3-4 words per letter and then switch. It's just enough to keep your brain engaged with something that's not the stress, but not interesting enough that you don't get crazy bored quickly and fall back to sleep. I definitely still felt myself almost drifting into a couple tangents, but overall I think it worked better. I'm also borrowing Carter's weighted blanket to see if that helps.
Anyway, I sort of can't believe we're back to the holiday season again. Seems like I was just putting everything away. This year was another time warp for sure, between the boys' sports, the Dominican trip, Jacob's health stuff and injuries, and all the other random things that marked the progression of the year. I look at pictures from early this year and can't believe that was almost a year ago now. I'm going into this season much more on edge than I'd like and I'm hoping I can hold up the way I want to. I feel like we're sort of getting to a point in life where our "normal" holidays are officially limited. Family members are getting older, the kids are growing up, and things are bound to change more than we'd like very soon. That's why those COVID and blizzard Christmases sucked even more than they would have anyway, because time is ticking away and any normalcy we can get is precious. I know that sounds like such a Debbie Downer thing to say, but let's just say positivity hasn't been my strong suit for the last six months or so, and I hate to see it spread to the holidays. Part of me just needs a freaking break, you know? It's all been a lot, and I hate living life to any less than its fullest. Living in the shadow of the unknown is so hard for me, and right now it just feels like there's a lot. But I'm trying, I promise.
No comments:
Post a Comment