Usually I'm here this time of year complaining about how November is dragging. Halloween and "fun fall" are over, the weather mostly stinks, and we usually spend most of the month waiting--for Thanksgiving, for Christmas season, and for basketball season. Even with Jacob having been injured and not doing quite as much for basketball (don't get me wrong, he's still doing plenty), the month has blazed by. We're two-thirds through already and Thanksgiving is days away. It helps, I suppose, that Thanksgiving is early. I think it goes to the late extreme again next year, which unfortunately means a longer wait for most of the above and a shorter Christmas season. Maybe I'll have to give in on my "No Christmas before Thanksgiving" rule a little bit next year just to spice things up a bit.
Speaking of which, I'm actually bending that rule a little bit this year too. Jacob has been begging me to put up the tree, to the point of getting up bright and early last Saturday on his own and cleaning up the living room so it would be easier for me to do it. Unfortunately for him that just felt way too early so it didn't happen that weekend, but it did this past weekend--minus the decorating. Honestly, while Jacob's need of a pick-me-up played into it, it was mostly to minimize the amount of work I need to do this coming weekend. I can tell myself that without decorations the trees just add a pleasant woodsy winter feel, so I'm not super opposed to it as long as they're not decorated. Let's face it--the moving of furniture and assembling the trees is a lot of extra work in the midst of the rest of the decorating--taking down fall stuff, dusting and cleaning, bringing up the bins, decorating, and then finally tackling the trees. I sometimes like to put the trees up first anyway because then if decorating takes longer, at least the trees still look festive even if it takes a couple extra days to get around to ornaments. So, to ease that workload, it's worth it. The main tree went up Sunday night and I'll hopefully get around to the little tree this week sometime.
To be clear, I still don't love Christmas prior to Thanksgiving. I don't judge people who decorate early, mind you--you do you if you need it--but I personally have my own concerns with doing it early. Jacob has been playing music and watching movies all month and I'm merely tolerating it. He thinks I hate Christmas but I just try to explain that I like to give Thanksgiving its moment. We need to be more thankful and I think it's important to give that its moment in the spotlight. I don't want Thanksgiving to feel like Christmas part one because the tree is already up. I also don't want to water down the specialness--it's always been a unique time of year, in part because it doesn't last very long. If we extend that, does it eventually lose some of that specialness? I also try to explain that Christmas is a lot to manage mentally so I just need to take things one step at a time. Once Christmas season hits, my normal challenging mental load gets doubled with the constant struggle to think of gifts, buy them, and do all of the fun seasonal things--decorating, baking, and trying to keep our traditions--before time runs out, while still running the household, getting my work done, and attempting to make sure my mental and physical health don't take a hit. Christmas as an adult hits different and while I don't want to shatter the illusion for my kids, I do want them to have reasonable expectations and understand why I'm hesitant to start that process early. I do love Christmas, it just takes a little time for me to ramp up the appropriate energy and be able to have enough to last the season as it stands now.
I feel like that's going to be a little extra hard this year with how I've been feeling. As I alluded to in my last couple posts, I'm just struggling with my body right now and I'm not entirely sure how to tackle it. It's fatiguing to feel this way, even if I seem to be functioning through it. The anxiety it's causing doesn't help, and I'm just stuck between wanting to call my doctor and beg for mercy vs. wanting to make sure I have a compelling case the first time and don't end up getting dismissed as a hypochondriac or going on a wild goose chase of specialists. I'm willing to try other things--I'll keep doing chiro and if she wants me to try antibiotics for my sinuses first, I guess that's fine--but most of all I'd like some sort of assurance that I'm not at risk for a stroke or some other head-related problem, since the pressure in my head has been the biggest issue. It's mostly not painful but it is uncomfortable and unsettling, if that makes sense. I always feel like I need to stretch my upper body or rub my head. I'm not sure any of those things actually work but my body is constantly trying to make them work just to get relief. After a long day of struggling through that at my desk, I'm just not sure how much energy I'll have to do holiday stuff. And the anxiety is starting to even make it hard to think that far ahead, like what if something happens and I'm not able to celebrate Christmas the way I'm expecting? I know that sounds dramatic but there are moments with this where my brain just can't dismiss it. One night last week I barely moved off the couch because it got extra uncomfortable and exhausting. I felt better by the morning but it's so hard to not know what's happening. There's been a lot of ups and downs since then. Better for a couple days, worse for a couple, and better again. But not gone. I'll take what relief I can get, but I foresee a lot of "pushing through" to get through this holiday season and hoping it's enough.
I suppose taking life a couple days at a time because of how I'm feeling has actually made all the days blend together, and now here we are on the cusp of Thanksgiving. Many times I've had a weekend getaway around this time to get over the hump of this dreary month, but because of Craig's work schedule that didn't work out this year. The memories that have popped up have been fun, and part of me is missing that experience. I'm still trying to get to Binghamton to see my fast-growing godson and his mama, and I've been itching for a getaway to Canada or something (it's been more than four years!), but weekend basketball practice and games, and soon Knighthawks games, will keep us pretty grounded for a while. I can make an escape if Craig is off, but those weekends are few and far between, too. I guess I'm lucky an escape wasn't as needed this year with the short pre-Thanksgiving wait since everything else feels more complicated.
Speaking of basketball season, Jacob is still struggling through his injury, so even when his season starts next weekend, it won't necessarily be starting for him. He's pretty unhappy with how a lot of things have played out so far this season, even beyond his injury. I keep hoping he'll recover quickly because I think getting back out there and contributing to the team will help with his mental state a ton--especially since he hasn't played consistently since his last high school season ended and that lack of confidence in his body is just another challenge he's facing. But alas, that doesn't seem to be the case just yet. I completely understand why he's discouraged and I just wish I knew how to help him more.
Right now my excitement for the holidays is probably mostly about the time off of work. It's been a heck of a fall there and my brain needs a break. I'm also excited for some family time. My parents have been traveling for a couple weeks so I haven't talked to them hardly at all, and I haven't seen Craig's family in quite a while, so it will be nice to have some time for that. I will admit that seeing a few Christmas lights pop up around town has made me smile a little, and I'm excited to break out some of my own decorations. I'm not excited for the process but am trying to focus on that moment when I finally get to plop down on the couch and take it all in. This week, as I have said many times before, always feels like a "deep breath" before the marathon that is the holidays. I was looking back at old blog posts for something and I came across this paragraph. It was from November 2019, and I had no idea at the time how true this would prove to be in the years to come:
But again, like the rest of life, the burdens of Christmas are merely evidence of a life well-lived. The more people we have to buy for, it means that we have a lot of people to love (and that love us back). The decorations are all part of having a cherished home to fill with Christmas cheer. The endless parties and school events are proof of the many valuable connections we have. While travel is always challenging, it means that we have family we love enough to make sure we can share the holiday with them. It's all a part of the experience for us, and we wouldn't have it any other way. But does it complicate things? Sure. Still....worth it.
I had no idea at the time how the travel and all of those holiday events would both become endangered species a year later. Little did we know that a virus and weather would complicate things for years to come. I'm still not confident this year will go smoothly since the past three years have proven that expecting the unexpected may be our new normal. It's become even more apparent how precious those things are because we haven't had them for so long. In that same blog search I also came across a post from the following year talking about how decorating early was an odd COVID phenomenon, and that year people just needed it, likely to fill the holes that their holiday was shaping up to have in all those other areas. It now seems to be a habit for a lot of people. After years of wondering what a close-to-home, low-key Christmas would be like, we've now had two thanks to COVID and a blizzard. Even the one in between wasn't the same because COVID prevented the extended family gatherings that previously made Christmas so enjoyably chaotic. While the home ones have been special in their own way, I'm ready for one of our "old school complicated" Christmases like we used to have. Multiple stops, lots of gifts in both directions, tons of food and family, and complete exhaustion at the end. There isn't a whole lot that can fill those holes, that's become quite clear.
I'm trying to stay hopeful for a better holiday and hoping my energy and attitude remain strong in the meantime. I can't believe we'll be in the full swing of things in just a few days, so perhaps there's some denial happening at the moment that's keeping me calm. Either way, here we go again...
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