I've said before here that Jacob is really a "grass is always greener" person. He is constantly looking ahead to another team, another school, another scenario that he thinks will be better and eliminate some of the issues he's having in his current situation. When he's having a tough time, his brain instantly jumps to the next thing that could solve his problem, and he's sure that's the solution. On one hand it's not a terrible skill to have--to quickly problem solve and look for an efficient, effective solution. But I can also see it having a lot of terrible consequences as he gets older. I can see that creating a job hopper, or someone who can't stay in relationships, romantic or otherwise, because the second they see an issue, they cut and run in search of something better.
I think tendencies like this have been deemed a very millennial issue, and it seems to have passed to Gen Z as well. To some degree, I get it. If you're unhappy, why wallow in that if you can fix it? Older generations have had loyalties, nostalgia, and responsibility preached to them their entire lives, but younger generations are part of a lifestyle where "disposable" and "on demand" are the norms with almost everything, and they tend to have short attention spans on top of it, thanks to all things digital their entire lives. They haven't cultivated the same type of patience we had to have back in the day when film took days to develop, most TV was "appointment" viewing, and finding out information often necessitated a trip to the library to look it up rather than instantly getting the answer on your phone. Now we do everything quickly and painlessly, and that seems to be the goal for kids like Jacob--how can I minimize my misery in the short term? Of course, kids have never been particularly good with thinking things through and focusing on the long-term, but their modern ability to do more things immediately means they don't need to practice that skill very often.
I mentioned here in one of my last few posts that Jacob has said he doesn't need to create a tolerance for things like a bad job because he's purposefully setting up his life to never have to deal with those sorts of things. In true teenager form, he's ignoring the fact that life often takes its own twists and turns that we can't control, even though he's already dealt with a number of those things in his life, from his bone cyst to his Celiac Disease. And now he's dealing with a bum leg and some school frustrations and...well, it's not going well.
I feel for him with this leg thing. All through his high school season, particularly once he lost his starting spot and things weren't going as smoothly, all he could talk about was how he wanted to play for the team he's on now. He got in one game before he sprained his ankle and the other four afterward were not great, mostly because of that ankle (which turned out to be a broken leg bone). Almost half of his team is injured, he's out for another month, and nothing is going quite like he imagined. I don't blame him for being frustrated, even if he's doing what he can right now to minimize the fallout and improve what he can while he has a chance. Even he admitted he probably needed a break. Mentally he'd been struggling, so this provides a good opportunity for a reset, but there's no denying that the whole situation is really unfortunate.
On top of his leg, school has become a major sore spot. He can't seem to catch up in his classes. His grades aren't terrible, but they're not where they should be. He missed a lot of time due to COVID and other viruses over the past few months, and then a bit more for our travel, and on top of a less-than-stellar math teacher, it's been a lot to come back from. He just can't seem to get back over the hump. Some of that is time management and some of it is just straight-up procrastination over something he doesn't want to do because it's frustrating. He's never really adjusted to having all of his subjects every day. His last school had a split schedule, more like college, so he had each class for a longer block 2-3 times per week. That meant homework was more spread out, and he also had more in-school study time to do it. Now he has a full eight periods every day and he struggles to manage the homework load. There are a couple classes he particularly dislikes (math and art appreciation), which reduces his motivation further. He also has to dedicate time to basketball and also wants some leisure time, so it's a lot to cram in. I get it, it's hard, but it doesn't mean he gets a free pass to not finish things. I don't know what he thinks the alternative is, but certainly skipping school or not finishing homework are not among the options.
He gets frustrated by the vicious cycle--wake up early (begrudgingly), go to school, come home, do work, do basketball/training, do more work, go to bed too late, and wake up in the morning miserable again because you didn't sleep enough. Doing that on repeat has him very frustrated, especially when he doesn't have the same sort of physical outlet he once did. He's also short on friends at his current school. I wish he'd reconnect more with his old friends, at least--phones are good for that--but he's right that he doesn't have a lot of time to do that anyway. In many ways he's gotten into the same crappy cycle Craig and I have since we don't have a lot of outside friends either (or the time or energy to do better in that department). I know first-hand that it sort of stinks and isn't particularly healthy to have school/work and home time be all you have going on. School is usually tolerable because at least you see your friends, but when you don't even really get that out of the deal, I can see where it would be hard to deal with every day. He's also a little nervous that the immature kids at school will somehow hurt his leg worse--it's nearly happened a couple times--so that anxiety is bugging him, too. No one would believe him initially when he said his leg was broken, so
it almost wouldn't surprise me if someone did something stupid to
"prove" something. At least he's out of gym class, but it sounds like his classmates are just thoughtless enough to do something that could injure him worse. Part of me thinks his worries are merely an excuse to try to convince us to keep him home, but from things we've heard it's probably not entirely unreasonable to assume something could happen.
He asks all the time if he can stay home, and obviously legally that's not even an option. One kid that was on his basketball team has some sort of hybrid/homeschool setup. Jacob says he Zooms into classes, but I suspect there's more to it than that--that he's actually getting more homeschooling from his parents than we know about, and that he probably has a medically documented condition that forces them to accommodate him in that way. It's not an option for Jacob, no matter how much he begs. He only has five more weeks plus exams to get through, so it's really not that much to ask him to just suck it up at this point. Craig and I have both talked about times in our life where we were getting mercilessly bullied at school and still had to go to school every day, so we know it's hard, but it's just one of those things you have to do. It's life. It's not easy, but that's how it goes sometimes. Going to work is much the same. Yes, we get paid, but we also paid our dues by going to school like him, taking the same full load of classes, and hating it most of the time, and that's what you have to do to get to the point in life where you at least get paid to go somewhere each day, even if you don't love it. And honestly, even if you don't hate your job, most of the time you'd still rather be doing something more interesting and fulfilling with your time. Might as well get used to that reality now and hope you don't need it later.
As a side note, we have talked about whether he should transfer (again) given his apparent misery at school, and he's hesitant for a few reasons, most of which include the basketball situation. Our local high school (which he could transfer to without having to sit out a year) isn't great, and their basketball team is worse. Another in-district high school that's a little more respected has a much better basketball team, but he might not play very much as a result. So neither of those are good options. We could move to a different district, but that's obviously a bit of overkill to make a kid happy, even if it's something we've considered for other reasons over the years. But realistically most schools come with the same set of annoying kids and their own set of other frustrations. But then all of a sudden in the last couple days a new wrinkle got added to that situation--I won't go into detail yet but there was something we didn't realize could be an option and it could come with a pretty intriguing basketball situation. There are some downsides there, too, and a couple other things would have to fall into place for that to even be an option. But I just know that's started the wheels turning in his head again where that might be his next "greener pasture".
Another complaint he's had recently is that there's nothing interesting going on to break him out of this boring daily cycle. Yes, a couple canceled trips and a lot of uncertainty with his leg have a way of doing that. I feel it too. Like I said previously, having all of that travel was exhausting, but it also kept life interesting. Now we're just...done. For a bit, anyway. We were supposed to be flying to Wichita (well, flying to Kansas City and driving to Wichita) this weekend, which didn't thrill me but was at least intriguing, so it's still a letdown, for sure. I'm also realizing how many things I was mentally (or physically) putting off until after the travel and my busy work season were done, and now I'm having to pay the piper a bit and start digging back into those things, which makes being home without adventure even harder. I think Jacob is sort of having to face that too with his school work, and maybe to some degree with training. I'd love to try to think of some things to keep us busy until our potential St. Louis trip in May, in case it helps us mentally to have things to look forward to. Some of it depends on how the Knighthawks' playoff scenarios work out. If they're in Buffalo or Hamilton next weekend we might follow Craig there. Going to St. Louis in three weeks would be an "extra" because Jacob will likely not be playing yet when that trip happens. But as long as Craig is available to go, we're planning to go anyway. Not only might it help Jacob get back in the groove with his team, but we have a few tourist targets en route and once we're there. It gives us something to look forward to, but hopefully it doesn't end up being a letdown.
Jacob has also started talking about vacation again. Given all the expense of his basketball I'm not sure what we can pull off, though I do want to do something this summer because I'm trying to make the most of our summers post-COVID. He keeps talking about Disney (again...ugh), but not so much the parks...he'd rather sit at the resort. He wants a basketball court and a gym, and probably a pool. Disney is an awfully expensive place to do that, so we'll have to see what else we can find that seems vaguely tropical but can be done cheaply (and maybe with some other stuff for Carter and me, who like to DO things). But let's get through the spring and the rest of basketball first, even though any talk about it now is probably going to help him mentally with the "nothing to look forward to" problem.
Anyway, the goal right now seems to be to teach him how to function and even thrive in the "less green pastures". It's fine to express a frustration with life or circumstances; it's another to be defeated by it when you have more power than you think to tolerate it or make it better. I've never seen a kid with so much drive in one part of his life fail so badly at little things he should be able to overcome, like a single math worksheet or just dragging himself out of bed on time on a daily basis. I know there could be some sort of depression in the mix and we've offered to get him help if that's the case, but it's clearly something he needs to want before he will allow it to happen. Taking a nearly-15-year-old kicking and screaming isn't really an option. It's a tough time right now with his leg and school, but his lack of executive function--primarily a complete inability to manage his time--isn't making it any easier. The lack of sleep and the stress of undone schoolwork can't be healthy for him, and he refuses to listen to us when we try to help him. Teenagers are so hard because they think the people with all the life experience still know nothing, and they trust their own underdeveloped brain to make better choices than we're coaching them to. It's hard to walk him through this tough time, but I do hope we can show him we're making an effort to make it more interesting. I just hope he can make an effort to listen, learn, and have some patience with the process. Wish us luck...we need it.
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