Connecting the Dots

During the pandemic, one of the most underrated things I missed was my commutes.  Yes, commutes can be frustrating and stressful, and upon working from home we've all discovered they're a bit of an unnecessary time suck.  But I also realized that my commute--which is a very tolerable 15-20 minutes, minus any kid pickup--also serves as good decompression time.  When I work from home, I find I still prefer about 20 minutes on the couch with my phone before I get up the energy to make dinner.  I know I'll be occupied for about an hour and a half after that so I need to work up to it a bit, mentally at least.  I can't say I get right to dinner when I get home after a commute either, but it's more of a physical break than a mental one.  But the pandemic taught me that decompression time is a thing for me and I never realized my commute served that purpose some days. 

Another benefit to the commute was the solo time to sort through my brain.  When you have two chatty kids, you really do find out what it means to "not be able to hear yourself think".  Your brain is so full of their input that you can't even dig into your own thoughts properly.  Without commutes, my uninterrupted self-reflection time was at a minimum.  In the midst of the pandemic I felt like I was never alone, and life was always noisy and full of interruptions.  It was hard to form complete sentences, let alone think through things past surface-level.  I remember a lot of my later-pandemic road trips to Buffalo turned into marathon deep-thinking sessions pondering all of the stuff I hadn't had the chance to think about in months because my brain could never quiet itself long enough to go deep.  

I've been going into the office twice per week for a little over a month now, and I've been appreciating the quiet thinking time in the car, complete with my preferred music.  The other morning on the way to camp, Carter and I somehow got on the topic of Jacob's behavior back around the time of our last Disney trip.  Carter made a comment about how it's worse now, and I corrected him and said, "Oh no...it was MUCH worse then."  Yes, Jacob can be really frustrating these days, but back then he was impossible.  I don't think Carter can even fathom what that time was like for us.  He wouldn't believe his eyes.  In fact, when I went back and looked at a couple posts from that time, I found myself wondering how we ever survived that time.  The posts were gut-wrenching.  Jacob was so clearly suffering and we were powerless to stop it.  Now it's easy to look back and feel more sympathy for him, but at the time we were so confused about why he just seemed to make everything so much harder than it had to be.  Even now I'm not sure if it was just the pain from his undiagnosed Celiac Disease, or if there was an actual mental blip that made that period so much worse.  If you want an example, just read this post--this sums up about where we were at the time.  But most of the posts surrounding it are equally painful to read now.  I'm thankful I wrote about it, though, because I almost wouldn't have believed it had I not written it, and I think it provides important perspective and a reminder how far we've come.

Back to Carter, though...I tried to help him understand how bad things were, and how Jacob's behavior now is just a mere inconvenience/frustration compared to the hell we lived in then.  I didn't tell him this, but I genuinely thought we were on the road to in-patient care.  That's how bad it was for a time.  Carter asked me when Jacob got diagnosed with ADHD, and I explained that was actually three years later.  We got him evaluated in Kindergarten at the request of his teacher, but they didn't diagnose him with anything then.  It wasn't until third grade that they could no longer deny something was up.  But after I dropped Carter off, I got to thinking...how did that doctor--who I am sure is a very good doctor--miss it?  Jacob clearly had so much going on at the time, so how did he not catch any of it?

And in the 15 minute drive to work, with just me and my brain, I had an interesting eureka moment that connected a bunch of dots for me and made clear the differences between my two ADHD kids.  It's something I've long struggled to put my finger on, but I realized that so much of Jacob's issues go back to two specific traits that have actually been quite clear since those big problems began nine years ago.  I've decided that most of Jacob's difficulties tie back to being self-centered and being impulsive.  

I know in most cases self-centeredness denote an arrogant selfishness, but his is more of a blissful ignorance.  He's simply very focused on how things affect him and how to address his own needs, and empathy has never been his strong suit.  He's not actively trying to ignore other people--it's just that he's so wrapped up in his own stuff that it almost doesn't occur to him.  And I swear it's not because he wasn't taught properly--trust me, I tried so hard--that's just how his brain has always defaulted.  I'm sure four-and-a-half years as the only child didn't help, but much like his brain has always been exceptionally wired for sports, it also seems wired to have this self-focus, and Carter's birth seemed to electrify everything even more.  When Carter was born, Jacob lost the ability to be the full center of attention at home.  I don't even know if he was conscious of that, but his body clearly felt it.  From that point forward, everything he did in regard to Carter was to ignore him completely, draw attention away from him, actively put him down, or make himself look far superior.  That continues to this day.  Even if something doesn't have to do with Carter, Jacob's focus is usually making himself prominent in some way--breaking into a conversation with his two cents or setting circumstances to benefit him in some way.  Again, I don't even think he realizes that's his goal--it's just his nature and I think it's now become a habit to the point he never knew a different reality.  He's simply always honed in on how things connect back to him.  That's not inherently a bad thing, mind you, but it does tend to get in the way of thinking about how those efforts might impact other people.

His impulsivity originally manifested in "naughty" behavior, then in tantrums which were probably uncontrolled impulses from reacting to stimuli.  Back then he had a very hard time managing reactions when something didn't go his way, and in some cases that's still an issue--he's just a bit more mature about it now.  Impulsivity is actually probably his biggest issue now, and the one for which we most encourage him to take his medicine.  When he doesn't, he overreacts to Carter constantly and blurts out whatever is on his mind, with no filter.  He will interject the most random, pointless things into conversations, often in a feeble attempt to be funny, and constantly says demeaning things to Carter.  We can usually tell when he hasn't had his medicine because he purposely makes things difficult--not answering questions or avoiding topics--and he stirs the pot wherever he can.  This is where the self-centeredness takes things to a whole different level.  He doesn't care if his random comment takes the conversation right off track--he just wants to get his point and/or joke in.  He will put Carter down just to elevate himself.  He will avoid our questions because it's something he doesn't want to deal with.  I've always said he had his own agenda, and it's still true in more ways than one.

As I thought about his evaluation with the doctor nine years ago, I think the doctor didn't see anything because his evaluation was primarily through one-on-one interviews and activities.  Jacob did well.  He scored well on the testing and stayed attentive.  But I realized that could have been because he was getting the one-on-one attention he craves and he was content with that in the moment, so there was no reason to want to do anything else.  But in a classroom, it was definitely not one-on-one, and as such, he probably had things he preferred to be doing that were more in line with his own priorities.  The impulsivity was stronger than the peer pressure, and as a result, he appeared inattentive and uncooperative.  His teacher thought he might have Asperger's, which had crossed our minds as well--the kid with Asperger's on the TV show Parenthood felt all too familiar in many ways, from his clothing quirks to his toy arrangements to his oblivious, self-centered perspective on life.  While ADHD had crossed my mind, too, admittedly I was never sure because he didn't seem to have the hyperactive component.  Yes, he was very active but it was more purposeful activity--he was playing sports and running around because those were things he liked to do.  Once in a while he'd rock in his chair or do those kinds of fidgety ADHD behaviors, but I don't know that it was significantly more than any typical energetic kid.  The reports from the school should have been a red flag, as were the tantrums we experienced, but the doctor didn't see an issue himself.  He labeled him a "difficult personality" and we were on our way.  It wasn't until three years later that his academics started to suffer as the school work got harder and we tried again.  That time, between the school's observations, our answers to endless scales, and the therapist's observations, Jacob got ADHD and ODD diagnoses.  For the record, his ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) seems extremely mild compared to some cases I've read about.  I think he definitely had that the first time around, based on the absolutely awful tantrums and defiant behavior we experienced, but the doctor obviously didn't get to see one of those spells so he wouldn't have known other than what we told him.

Even though both boys have ADHD and impulsivity is a major element for both of them, I feel like their circumstances are still very different.  I see Carter as being an even purer ADHD case, even though our overall troubles with Jacob were worse.  Carter was actually a sweet, typical kid until he got around the age where he had to start formal learning, right around Pre-K4.  That's when his symptoms started showing--with reading and writing specifically.  In addition to the lack of focus, he does the typical stuff you picture with ADHD--not being able to sit still, fidgeting, having little patience with things he's not interested in, interrupting constantly, losing interest in projects, and very little attention to detail.  When Jacob was little he was active simply to play sports.  Carter's movement seemed less goal-oriented--he was content simply running or riding his big wheel, mostly just down to the corner and back.  To this day Carter has a heck of a time sitting properly in a chair and tends to always have a body part in motion even when he is.  He'll randomly rock the la-z-boy or swing on the stair railing.  I have to remind him daily to sit on his butt at the dinner table.  His movements are still so impulsive that he tends to be clumsier--he fell on me trying to quickly climb into bed the other night, and he's infamous for accidentally walking into any Lego structures Jacob leaves a little too close to the walking path through the living room.  He constantly interrupts conversations with completely unrelated topics.  Sometimes his brain or his body gets ahead of the other and it just causes problems.  My goal in life is to get him to slow down and think about what he's doing before he does it.  Jacob mostly just speaks before he thinks, but Carter does everything before he thinks.  Maybe Carter will grow out of some of these things, just like Jacob did with some of his behaviors, but even a lot of reminders on my part hasn't done it yet.  

My other big frustration with Carter's particular brand of ADHD is that he defaults to screens way more often than anything else.  I think there was a time in the midst of the pandemic where all the screen time left him with a massive craving for stimuli, and screens were the most instant gratification for that and the only thing that would hold his attention with an overstimulated mind.  We slowly brought him down from that state as things started to go back to normal and he started taking his medication, but it's still his default.  Toys will sit unplayed with because his first choice is his phone, and his second choice is the TV.  He has a hard time choosing toys if either of those two are options.  Even worse, if toys are put away and not visible, he will almost never go looking for them.  If he needs to do any work finding pieces, it's too much effort.  He forgets what he has and can't be bothered to think through it--he just decides the screen is easier and goes with that.  And when he's on a screen, his ADHD-driven hyperfocus is hardcore.  He blocks out everything and it takes a couple tries to get his attention.  And it's like pulling teeth to pull him away from screens to start his breakfast or get ready for bed.  I don't want to take them away completely because they're something he enjoys and I don't want to make the "forbidden fruit" situation worse, but sometimes he does need a detox.  I wish he'd be more thoughtful with his choices on how he spends his time, but I know it's mostly the ADHD and his impulsivity that make it hard for him to do that.

On the bright side, at least Carter does have empathy and shows an amount of affection Jacob hasn't shown since he was a toddler.  I get lots of "I love you, Mom" and lots of hugs, often randomly but especially when he's happy and we're doing something he enjoys.  I love having my little adventure buddy because it gets him away from screens and exposes him to new things--and he's such a wild card that I never know what will resonate with him.  He appreciates the activities we do together and finds joy in little things like his favorite fast food or snacks.  He still likes company at bedtime and sometimes forgets his own size when he climbs on me for hugs.  I sometimes wonder if he's getting too old for all of the hands-on affection, but I know he's my last, and after Jacob, I know affection like this is special regardless, so I'm savoring every bit of it.

I guess at the end of the day I'm not entirely sure I know what to do with all of these connected dots that helped me better understand Jacob's journey and how Carter differs, but I think being aware of both kids and their tendencies and differences helps me to think through how to speak to them or how to set up a situation to best work with their strengths or weaknesses.  For Carter it may mean setting up his toys differently or actively encouraging him to do a specific activity, rather than telling him to "just go play".  For Jacob it might mean reminding him to think about how his decisions impact other people--like how him leaving his dishes and bottles all over the house makes me crazy, so maybe he should make more of an effort to clean up more frequently--or even reminding him that cleaning up benefits him because he'll run out of cups a lot less often if they make it in the dishwasher regularly.  It's next-level parenting psychology I haven't quite mastered yet, but it's helpful to keep in mind when I have a moment of clarity.  I never thought two kids from the same set of DNA could be so different.  I already knew that no two kids are the same or can be raised the same way, but ours really take things to an extreme.  Even among the things they have in common there are major differences, so we need to be more intentional about noticing them and reacting accordingly.  This parenting gig is hard and we're doing our best.  I wish our best was better most of the time, but little moments of understanding like this make it a tiny bit easier--until the next obstacle, anyway!