Last weekend I had one of those times where I just sort of ended up paralyzed by indecision and general frustration. I know I should go do something, but the prospect of actually doing it proves to be too much for some unknown reason. Sometimes it's just energy level, sometimes it's too many options, sometimes it's just complete mental paralysis.
Lately when the weather has been decent--not particularly warm but decent--Carter has wanted to go to a playground. But I'm sort of bored with the ones we've been to a lot, and I'm generally more motivated by checking out a new one or going to one that has a bonus for me, like a trail or somewhere nearby we need to go. But most new ones are a little farther away from our usual radius, and if the weather isn't great, I don't want to drive 15 or 20 minutes just to be there for 10 minutes and realize it's a little too chilly to climb on the metal bars or be outside for much longer than that. Last weekend, I couldn't decide on one that didn't feel overdone, so we went nowhere. And so it went for most of the week when the kids were on break. Carter was trying to recount parts of his break for his weekend journal, and I'll be honest--aside from Good Friday, Easter, and the outing the kids had with Craig while I was at my cousin's bridal shower last Sunday, there wasn't a whole lot. There was a lot of screen time, unfortunately, especially since I had to work a couple days.
We didn't even really play with toys much because the living room got to a point where I texted Craig that Friday night after his game that he needed to prepare for toy reorganization the following day. Our living room is a perpetual mess--partly because the kids have elaborate setups that they use a few times a week to "battle" and partly because Carter simply has too many toys. He's a very lucky boy, but unfortunately he's also a "lazy player". If the toy isn't sitting out in front of his face, ready to go, he's probably not going to play with it. He doesn't have the focus to find missing pieces or even open drawers or doors to remind himself what he has. He'd rather just go back to his screen and do that because it's easier (and more fun, he says). Well, I was getting super frustrated because there were broken Lego builds everywhere, toys mixed up in different bins, and abandoned setups all over the room, many of which hadn't been touched in weeks. If it's not easy for him to grab and play, he won't, so it was just wasting space. All of that mess made it hard to play with anything, and I just didn't have the time or mental capacity to do a cleanup myself. Part of that was because there are countless pieces of Lego, Playmobil, or Imaginext stuff mixed in, and I knew Craig would know better which were which and could help in getting it organized. And sure enough, we did make some progress the next day. I can at least sit in the room now without it making me nuts, and if we wanted to build something, there's now room to do it. We cleared out a few things, reorganized some spaces, and put like items back together in different bins. There's still another round that needs to happen that involves looking at the bins in Carter's room compared to what's in the living room, because some of those should be reunited, and after that figuring out if any of the Imaginext or Playmobil toys should be packed away or given away. Craig has promised he'll do that soon, but I can't say I'm hopeful. This weekend marked the beginning of three weeks of tournaments, so not much will get done in that time. I guess I have to be okay with baby steps, but in the meantime I'm pondering another screen ban for Carter because he's become far too reliant on them again and I can tell it's impacting his focus. He can be such a diligent, dutiful, loving kid these days, but he can't so much as put on his pajamas without getting sidetracked at least three times. If I don't watch him closely, he will be fully immersed in something else (or end up right back on the screen he was on) even though he originally ran up to his room to get changed. I truly think the screens are making it worse.
As a whole I think we've just gotten stuck in this frustrating state where we know things need to be done better, but we just don't have the energy or mental capacity to do it most of the time. I handle most of the housework--not well, mind you, but more than anyone else--and I know I should do better, but it takes a lot of psyching up to convince myself to do anything extra. But I have a hard time asking for help because I don't have the energy to battle the kids on another thing (that will likely need to be fixed anyway) and I know Craig is struggling, too. Things that he used to do without me asking sit undone because I know he's tired, but rather than just assume he's being lazy, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's as mentally spent as me. I try to nudge, but the line between nudging and nagging is thin, especially when you're tired. He basically works, taxis Jacob around to basketball, works out, and watches TV. By the time I'm done with my housework that has to be done (dishes, wiping down the kitchen, trying to clean up the piles), I can't muster much more than phone time, or maybe a workout if I remind myself how much I want to continue to eat food and not gain weight. And by the time one of us puts Carter to bed and inevitably falls asleep with him, and we finally convince night-owl Jacob to go to bed, there's basically no quality time for us there at all. We're fine, but it's clearly not ideal.
Add into all of this that Jacob keeps guilting us about a vacation, and while I know we desperately need one (both a full family one and either a couple one or ::gasp:: a solo one), I'm not sure I have the mental energy to plan one. He will basically only accept the long-promised Disney trip at this point, and that's even more overwhelming than most. Can we use Craig's parents' accommodations? Will COVID get bad there? Can we handle going in the summer when it's crazy hot and humid? Do we pull the kids out of school, or can I even miss work any time soon? If we don't go this summer, then what do we do instead? It completely overwhelms me, even though I know how desperately we need it. It all just feels impossible. I look at other people traveling and sort of marvel that they could go to those far-off, often exotic places. But truth be told, so could we--there's no reason we couldn't--but I still struggle to fathom it actually happening. It's just a giant mental block--first because finances concerned me pre-COVID, and now that finances concern me less after a couple raises, it's like COVID has made me completely paralyzed and paranoid that anything we plan won't happen. I'm out of practice on the practical side, and my fragile temperament can't take more loss in the event something goes wrong.
As I mentioned, my cousin's bridal shower was last weekend. I was thrilled for her, happy to get some solo time and see some family (minus my mom, who was on her college friends trip down south). But yet I realized my excitement level was lacking--maybe because of COVID concerns as cases rise here, maybe because I half expected something to get in the way and didn't want to get my expectations too high. I think I'm just scarred from all of the things that were canceled or postponed these last couple years, especially at the last minute like Christmas was a couple years ago, or like many of my extended family events have been since. I don't know why this sort of low-level trauma persists as nothing's been completely devastating--just mildly sad or frustrating--nor do I know what it's going to take to fix it. I just hate that we've basically been in survival mode for two years. It has definitely evolved and changed through all these different phases and stages, but it's still there. Thinking back on how hard things were at the beginning, I think it just wiped us out and it's been hard to make our way back from it. Even as some things have gotten easier or more routine, there were no reserves left to start building any sense of normalcy back. I've mentioned here before that I'm not sure what the "reset button" might be, whether a real vacation might do it, or whether it would take a more significant return to normal routines. Sometimes I think that my remote work is just prolonging the trauma somehow, that every day I'm home (even if it's easier in a lot of ways) is a reminder of how things are just different. That might never go back to normal, and I'm not sure I want it to (laundry and keeping up on mindless background TV shows is so much easier!), but I hope if I am having a trauma response, it will dull with time.
I don't have any answers, and I'm not doing this to complain, but rather to just document yet another step in this crazy pandemic experience. One step, one day at a time, and maybe one bit of healing, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment