Lately I've felt like we're just slogging through the muck of life. It's like one of those dreams where your feet feel like lead but you know you've got a long way to walk and can't fathom how you'll get there or why this is so hard. Between illness and weather and other general frustrations right now, I just feel stuck.
After finally getting through Jacob's appendicitis scare the previous week, Carter ended up sick again this week. It was the strangest thing--I picked him up from the afterschool program on Wednesday and he just looked...off. He looked tired or something, but he said he felt fine. I couldn't shake that something was up, and as he was finishing dinner and I was washing dishes, all of a sudden he came over to me holding napkins over his mouth. He had randomly thrown up at the table, without warning. Luckily, it was mostly chewed up solid food so the mess was minimal, but it was a little distressing nonetheless. I sent him up to the bathroom to sit until I finished cleaning up the kitchen. He felt fine afterward and never did get sick again, so I almost wonder if he somehow gagged himself. He's a little weird with textures and it seems like something about that meat was giving him an issue, because when we had it as leftovers a few days later he complained that it was making him sick again. He seemed fine after that other than a little cough Craig noticed right before dinner, but when I checked him he had a 100-degree fever. He chose to sleep in the bathroom that night, without incident, and woke up with a 99 fever and a worsened cough. When we got home from dropping off Jacob (Craig left that morning for his roadtrip), we did a COVID test, which was negative. The fever hung in there until Friday night, and the cough is still pretty bad, but a second COVID test was also negative. We'd really like to get him back to school soon, but the cough would be really disruptive right now and we obviously don't want him to be contagious. And God forbid any of the rest of us get it since we all just got over the other cold a couple weeks ago. This is starting to feel like the plague that hit us in late 2014 and the first few months of 2015. We had shingles (Craig), long lasting mystery viruses (Craig and me), pinkeye (me, multiple times), stomach bugs (the boys and me), a rash (Jacob), and who knows what else. It was one thing after another, and I found myself grateful that I lost my job in the middle of it because I never would have had enough sick days to cover it all. It was exhausting. I've managed this time around but mostly because I've been working from home every day. That comes to an end starting tomorrow, when I go back three days per week, so things will get decidedly more complicated (manageable, but still complicated) if the string of sick continues.
Weather has been another sore spot. I know that crap weather is typical of late March. I have enough Facebook memories popping up talking about unwelcome snow, crazy wind, and cold rain, so I know what we're dealing with isn't out of the ordinary, but it's been depressing nonetheless. I know that this year is a little different because there are very few signs of spring right now. The last couple years we've had either generally warmer winters or enough of a warmer spell during March that things got jump started a bit. This year, pretty much the only things have been crocuses, visible buds on the maple trees, and greening grass. But the flowers and the majority of buds are definitely slow to come. I think the ones I have seen are mostly because the sun has been stronger and the warm days we've had have been really warm. But because the weather has mostly been consistently cold and blah, I think the rest is holding off. Most of the decent days we've had (merely a handful) have been ridiculously windy or annoyingly rainy. We've had snow on multiple days, including today, though only a couple rounds of it have accumulated since the long-term snow pack melted. But at this point in the year, it sucks because I just want to get out and enjoy the weather. I'm not asking for a lot--just solid 50s and maybe a couple 60s. Last Sunday when we were in Buffalo and it snowed, it was in the 20s, and it was cold for all but maybe one day this week, when it was over 65 but with gusty winds and periodic rain. It took everything I had to find a couple spans of time to hang up Easter eggs outside. It's just depressing when you look at the two-week forecast and nothing gets out of the 50s, and those 50s are a rare sighting. The forecast did improve a bit for this week, but Easter still looks like 40s right now! I expect some flowering plants by about the third week of April and I'm not sure if we'll get there at this point. Carter and I have a list of playgrounds to visit but after last week's cold ones, I can't say I'm eager to go until it's at least mid-50s and sunny. I have yard work to do and kids who are eager to get outside, and it just feels like winter is never going to end at this point.
Beyond that we just have a bunch of nagging stuff as we start the countdown to spring break and Easter, which of course will make things feel like they're dragging even more. Jacob can't seem to get out of bed in the morning, partly because he hates school and partly because he's an extra stubborn teenager. He doesn't like me waking him up, but let's face it--it's easier for me to wake him up than to wake up Craig to wake him up, because not hearing your alarm appears to be genetic. He drags his butt getting ready--don't ask me how--and was late more than he was on time this week. It's so frustrating because he acts like he's going to get up and I'm trying to let him do it on his own without nagging, but then he goes back to sleep or gets distracted by his phone. He says it's my fault he's late because I'm "being negative". He did better Friday but we shall see. His negativity surrounding his basketball season has been a little better this week, but it will likely be a low-key struggle for him until he has his next tournament this coming weekend to see if he can play a little more.
Everything with Jacob has been an argument lately. This weekend he was extra frustrating about trying to get Carter to play basketball with him. He just can't fathom why Carter won't play with him, but he can't wrap his head around how years of treating Carter like crap has made it really hard for Carter to willingly hang out with him. Even if he does make efforts to be nice and supportive, if five of their daily interactions are negative and one is positive, it's not hard to understand why Carter might want to limit his exposure to that toxicity. Most of those negative interactions are Jacob's attempts at being funny, or trying to save Carter from "being a loser", or just general off-hand comments that he can't seem to keep to himself. He's so used to making those critical comments that he doesn't even realize how much he does it or how it comes off. It's not like Carter is his best buddy and understands it's a joke--he's used to it being legitimately negative and takes everything that way. It's sad and frustrating to see how out of sync they are. Jacob wants to be friends but can't come to terms with the damage he unknowingly did, yet he refuses to make real efforts to fix it now because he doesn't want to admit he might have had a part in it.
His other favorite thing these days is to argue about the vacation issue. He is basically demanding to go to Disney. Look, I get it--I want to be there myself. But it's not that simple. He says that we've been saying we're going for four years, and I keep reminding him that two of those years were in the middle of an unexpected pandemic where travel was unwise. I'm still not sure it's wise, but I can acknowledge that the mental need might start outweighing the safety concerns. We know we need to do it, we feel a little more comfortable with it financially than we did pre-pandemic, but it's still not something we can make happen tomorrow. I have a busy month at work, the kids are in school, Jacob has tournaments, and Craig still has another month of games. Disney isn't really a trip you can plan a couple weeks ahead of time, and even a couple months is going to be pushing it, even though we're not one of those families that must do character breakfasts or even full service restaurants. I don't really even know where to begin since there's a possibility we could benefit from Craig's parents' Disney Vacation Club membership if that's still a thing. It's all just a lot to figure out right now. Jacob is going to be obstinate until it happens and will forever use that as an excuse for why he's miserable all the time. The thing is, I desperately need a vacation too. As I feared, I lost out on a potential fun day due to my stupid jury duty this past week. I was supposed to spend part of the day with Heather and Mason before his doctor appointment in Syracuse (since it was an hour closer), and of course that was the day I got called in. I was hopeful because I was in the first group of 300, but then no one got called for two days and the first 150 only had to report Monday afternoon, but no--Tuesday morning it was. I sat there most of the day and got released without ever making it into a courtroom. Pointless. I was tormented by having to go back to work the next day without having had that expected day of freedom and fun, so you can only imagine how badly a real vacation might be in order. It's killing me, too, but I'm just not sure how to make it happen right now.
Fortunately, Craig's season is winding down--only one more roadtrip to go plus three home games, but of course the road game is Easter weekend and will cut into a bunch of the holiday unless he can change his flight. Jacob has been cheering against the Knighthawks the entire season because he didn't want Craig in the playoffs, and admittedly it's a relief they won't be, especially because the playoff season is so long now. We manage fine when he's not here, but I know it's tough on the kids. I feel better listening to his broadcasts, but it's always a relief when he actually walks back in the door each weekend. The end of the month can't come soon enough--it's been a long season for him and us.
I'm a little nervous about going back into the office three days per week. I was fine with it for the couple months it lasted in the fall, but now I've really sort of settled into the benefits of being home, from laundry and sleeping in a bit to pulling out frozen meat midday and watching TV in the background (I found daily binge broadcasts of ER and Facts of Life!). It also doesn't help that we've lost three more team members since we were last in regularly so it's not even like I'm going to see a lot of people when I'm there. We're going to have some nice engagement events on Wednesdays (the day everyone has to be there) for the foreseeable future--breakfast one week, food truck lunch another--but it's definitely not going to be what it once was. And if you're not going to see a lot of people, what's the point of being there? The push seems to be a combination of maintaining culture and solidarity with other parts of the University that can't work from home. I hope this will help with my focus and the brain fog I've felt like I've had, but we'll see.
My headaches have been weird lately--not constant like they once were, but they'll flare up randomly for periods of time here and there. Minutes sometimes, hours other times, sometimes brought on by activity and sometimes just light or cold. Running around with Carter has been a trigger, and stress feels like another one. Sometimes I think it's that my eyes are getting worse. I can see my computer screen fine when I work, but I've been trying to wear my blue light glasses more because that seems to help. I can tell my eyes are getting worse with close up stuff, so maybe they're struggling to focus even if it technically works okay right now. It's just annoying that I don't know what's causing the headaches or when they'll strike. They're not debilitating, thank goodness, but they're mentally taxing when they happen daily for no apparent reason. Weekends do seem to be better, so it's possible it's a screen thing, but who knows. I'm still struggling to have the energy I'd like to have, which is definitely a pandemic thing and maybe still a health thing. I've been better with working out in streaks (and my last blood work showed my triglycerides have responded well), but this week was hard between Jacob's practice schedule, Carter's cold, and how I was feeling on any given day.
The state of the house has been bugging me too. It just gets so dirty! And I feel like I get very little help with it--Jacob never cleans up his bottles, bowls, cups, or empty boxes. Carter leaves toys and trinkets everywhere and his spot at the table would be a dog's favorite if we had one. The mess just materializes everywhere and no matter how often I wipe things up, it comes back. The kitchen floor is perpetually gross. Everything gets dusty so fast. The bathroom is ridiculous. I'm embarrassed to even have anyone in the house because everything is messy and I don't have the energy on a regular basis to clean it the way I'd like. Nor do I feel like I should be the only one spending all my free time cleaning things. I'm not the maid, but I mostly feel like that's how everyone sees me. Jacob made a comment Saturday about the house not being very clean (it was in reference to a spoon having spots on it and him not wanting to use it) and I basically lost my crap on him because he won't even keep his room clean let alone help with the rest of the house. His room constantly has clothes and towels strewn across the floor despite his hamper being a couple feet away. He has stuff piled on his dresser, tissues and snack packaging on his ottoman, and other random school supplies and junk left on the floor. Not to mention how dusty it is or how badly it needs vacuuming, but I refuse to do it when there's stuff everywhere I'd have to work around. I'm annoyed that our kitchen is a wreck but I haven't worked up the energy to bring in a contractor. Our carpet desperately needs cleaning but I can't wrap my brain around cleaning up the toys or how they work around furniture. I am impatiently waiting for our replacement windows because the cracked kitchen window and garage door window make me nuts. The clutter and the filth up my anxiety level, so maybe getting out of it for nine hours three days of the week will be better for me. But mostly I'd just like some help.
COVID is still a nagging stressor, as well. Cases are going back up because of this new variant, but luckily it doesn't seem to be impacting hospitals yet so it appears its severity isn't bad. But now I feel weirdly stuck again. I was getting to a point where I was ready to start trying to unmask. We've gone into a couple restaurants without them since it's just a few minutes before we sit anyway. I probably will unmask at Wegmans before a lot of other places since it's rare I have close contact with anyone. But crowded places still bother me. Last weekend we were among a handful of masked people among the hundreds at Jacob's tournament, and it boggled my mind a bit. I see a decent number of masked people at stores, and I'm like, stores are probably far safer than sitting next to a bunch of strangers shoulder to shoulder for an hour. So how were all those people that comfortable? It's just so confusing to me. Church is much the same. Yesterday they announced that the masked space in the gym is going away after Easter. We can mask in the main sanctuary, but obviously that's less safe and we'll stick out as a very small minority. The lack of masking probably bothers me more at church because I'd think church people should be more willing to protect one another. It's a little disorienting and alienating to me.
But now that cases are back up a bit, I have second thoughts about changing anything. The University has recommended indoor masking on campus again, but our office isn't ON campus so we can still choose. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I'll mask around my boss for sure, and probably when we have gatherings and meetings, but I'm not sure otherwise. I feel bad for my kids and I want to ease up for them with school, but these new variants make it hard, not to mention that colds seem to be making their way through now anyway. It's gotten to the point where I'm almost a tiny bit disappointed when COVID tests come up negative--which is stupid, I know, because I will panic when it happens--but I'm tired of worrying about it and wondering when it will hit us. If we get it, it will be easier to unmask after, but at what price? At the same time, Jacob and I are both eligible for boosters (he's past his six months and I can get a second one because I had the J&J shot initially), but I'm just not sure it's worth the minor risks either way at this point since we each have a reasonable amount of immunity already and this variant isn't as severe. Ugh, I'm just so tired of trying to make these decisions.
I'm fine, everything's fine, but man, I just want things to feel a little lighter.
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