I'll probably totally jinx us by writing this, but I feel like lately we have settled into a bit of a lull after a couple really tough years in our house. The pandemic made an already-hard situation worse, but I think we're finally starting to come out of it, for a lot of reasons.
As this blog has made very clear, things haven't been particularly peaceful in our house in a very long time. Jacob hasn't been an easy kid since about the 18-24 month stage, and things went up a few notches about eight years ago, in the months after Carter joined the family. At that point it was just Jacob acting out in ways we'd never seen before--violent tantrums, lengthy standoffs, and generally defiant behavior at a level that left us at a loss. That was really the beginning of our new normal that exists to this day--one of evaluations, therapy, and eventually medications, first for one kid, then two.
Jacob never liked Carter or had any interest in big brother life, but once Carter was mobile and Jacob realized the threat it posed to his stuff, that's when the ignoring ended and the battles between them truly began. Our house has been full of conflict ever since, with Craig and I constantly taking the referee role. It's always been a challenge to get to the bottom of fights, because each kid has their own set of reasons why they did what they did, and no matter how far you track backward, inevitably there's another action and reaction so you can never really find out who started it or who's properly at fault. It's exhausting and it's still something we're working on doing fairly, most recently at the strong urging of our therapist. Adding to the physical battles have been the mental ones--where Carter likely experienced some trauma from being constantly bullied by his brother (which we think led to his aversion to correction, help, and losing), and Jacob is still sorting through the reality that having a brother steal his thunder probably did lead to a lot of the struggles we're still dealing with to this day. It's been a heck of a lot to unpack, and I can't say two young boys are the best participants in delving into their feelings or psychotherapy in general, so it's been a process. But after feeling stagnant for so many years, I feel like we're finally crawling out of the dark tunnel into a little bit of real functional normalcy.
When we went to the family therapist a month ago and had all good news, it felt super weird. The boys were both doing well with school, the fights had decreased considerably, and we didn't really have much of urgency to discuss. That only meant we could focus on some higher hanging fruit, of course, but it felt like a huge step. The same thing has happened the last two times at Carter's therapy sessions, where all the news from school and home has been positive. While family therapy seems to be ready to wrap up in a month, we'll probably stick out Carter's for a bit, just because he's set to participate in a social skills group over the next few months, and I think it's worth it to give him some time with that and continue to work on the impulsivity stuff his therapist is focused on. But it feels so weird that just a few months ago we were still struggling--maybe not at prime pandemic levels when everyone was home 24/7, but back to something that resembled our pre-pandemic struggles--and then, it just sort of chilled out. However, I don't think I realized how much until that therapy session. Then it was like, "Wait, do we even need to be here? Or is this all a short-term miracle and we'll be back to our old ways soon enough?" That remains to be seen, but two months is a good start. The oddest part is that it seemed to happen suddenly and with very little of our own effort. From where I stand, these are the biggest factors:
1) Back to school - Getting both kids out of the house away from each other obviously presents a huge physical barrier to the constant onslaught of fights. But I think getting Carter out of the house and back to school full-time was especially huge. He struggled mightily last year for a lot of reasons, and I think remote school was a huge mental barrier for him. He needs that constant engagement, and being in school helps. I think he was also more starved than we thought for peer interaction, so getting back to friends on a daily basis has done wonders. I think in general both the learning and the friendships have broadened his world so he now has something to talk about other than his online life. For a while, he literally only talked about games and YouTubers and whatever he was seeing there, which was exhausting. Now he can talk about school, friends, what he's been learning, and so much more. He even asks me what I want to know about his day! I think he just needed that consistent schedule, and having a teacher that gets him definitely hasn't hurt.
2) Medicine - Much like Jacob, Carter starting medication for his ADHD was a literal magic bullet for his school life. Jacob's entire perspective on school changed when he could focus and his teacher wasn't constantly correcting him, and Carter has been much the same. He enjoys school, doesn't complain about homework, and actually takes pride in how he's doing. We found out at his parent teacher conference that he's a grade level behind in math (but literally almost everyone is because of the pandemic), but he's at grade level for reading, which boggles my mind since the kid struggled so badly for so long with reading. He still won't choose to do it at home when screens and toys win out, but we're trying. Writing is still a challenge, but his teacher seems unphased since he's a boy and everyone had limited writing opportunity last year with so much learning exclusively online. I'm still going to keep an eye on it since I've always felt his fine motor skills were just a bit off, but it was encouraging that she didn't feel like his chicken scratch and awkward word placement were too far from the norm. His teacher is very happy with his behavior and almost seemed surprised at how we were talking about last year's struggles. He's like a totally different kid (in a good way), and it's been amazing to see what he can do when the playing field is evened out with a little medicine. At home the medicine has less of a need (unlike Jacob, who needs it to keep his impulsive, sensory-seeking snark at bay), but I noticed when he started taking it, he started playing with toys more. Previously, if a screen was an option, he would only choose that. We had to actively take away screens for the toys to get even a look. But around the time he started taking the medicine--even if he didn't have any in his system at that moment--he started voluntarily playing with his toys almost daily for the first time in more than a year. I don't know why--maybe the medicine slowed his brain down enough to be like, "Oh, yeah, those can be cool,"--but it's been much better ever since.
3) The demise of the tablet - A while back, Carter got mad at his malfunctioning tablet, which was already on its last legs, and in a fit of frustration, banged on it with a Tinkertoy that was sitting nearby. He didn't crack the screen, but the force was enough to scramble the components inside, and the screen looks completely fractured when it's turned on. The death of that tablet happened to fix so many things, from Carter's screen time overload to Jacob's tendency to pick a fight when Carter was on it. Don't get me wrong, Carter still gets his fair share of screens. He loves to watch TV, and he is able to use Craig's phone most days. But not having the full access to the tablet (which we honestly didn't limit for a lot of reasons) has shown us what's possible, and even if he does get a device at some point, I think we know enough now that we can and should limit it. The biggest difference is that if Carter is in front of a screen now, it's generally down in the living room, and not in his bedroom. Jacob was always endlessly frustrated by Carter being in his room on a device. He would want to end that, so he'd go in to try to get Carter to play, or even just to talk to him, which inevitably resulted in some sort of battle. He meant well but didn't handle it properly, and he'd feel rejected when Carter didn't want to play. He wouldn't leave despite being asked nicely, and eventually one or the other would lash out physically, causing a problem. This happened on a nearly daily basis despite our pleas for him to stop. We often needed Carter occupied so we could work, and the tablet helped with that, but it turned out that removing the tablet and getting Carter out into the rest of the house actually fixed the bigger problem. Maybe it should have been obvious, but when you're exhausted, in a state of permanent stress, and managing 18 months of pandemic survival mode, sometimes it's hard to think objectively. I think we just underestimated Carter's ability to function without it, and also the degree of Jacob's obsession over it. But then again, we could have done it months ago and neither of them might have been ready to move forward like this. Who knows?
The boys certainly still fight, but it's at a level now that I feel like is closer to normal sibling stuff. Jacob is still unhappy with Carter's screen time consumption, but it's mostly just complaining now instead of full-on battles. Carter still gets annoyed by Jacob, and we'd still like him to play with Jacob a bit more often, but it's probably as calm as it's been since Jacob stopped ignoring him years ago--not completely calm, mind you, but manageable.
On top of that, Carter has become a much more pleasant kid to hang out with, which may coincide with the fact that we're not constantly bugging him to do schoolwork. That run of remote school was tough, and on top of that no longer being a factor, he does most of his homework at the afterschool program. We mostly just get to hang out and have fun. He gives me hugs again, still grabs my hand once in a while, and even pulls my arm over his chest when we snuggle at night. He loves going to playgrounds with me, and gets so excited about things like special meals from his favorite restaurants. He feels more like the buddy I envisioned having when I tried to picture Jacob at this age while struggling with the infant and toddler years. That never really happened with Jacob (though maybe Craig had it through their lacrosse bonding), so it feels nice to get some of it with Carter, particularly after such a rough year and a half where it seemed like I had lost him a bit.
Jacob is definitely becoming the moody teenager, but he's still pretty tolerable in a lot of ways. Some teenagers are so hard to figure out, but I feel like most of what's frustrating with him is stuff we've always struggled with, as opposed to weird teen-onset stuff. He has moments where his good judgment and care shines through, which is promising. We still have a lot to work on, but it's nice when some of our hard work appears to be paying off!
Add in that my hybrid work schedule gives me some better work-life balance right now, and things have definitely been a bit more settled than they have been for a very long time, probably ever in the two-kid era. I keep telling myself to appreciate it and enjoy it, because things can change all too fast and I'd be stupid to assume this is permanent after years that would insist otherwise. After all, Craig is on the cusp of his first real lacrosse season in almost two years, and I'm already getting nervous about weekends alone with the boys. Not only will it be a physical adjustment for Craig and a mental one for me, but the boys are very attached to him and will likely have a hard time managing their frustrations with him being gone far more often. Even his return to the office was a challenge for them, so entire weekends will be a whole new ballgame. I'm hoping they'll lean on each other for company in the areas where Mom can't quite cut it (sports and video games, primarily), but that's probably asking a lot in the early stages of our "recovery". We'll see how it goes, starting this weekend.
But, like I said, two months is a good start and more than I could have imagined a few months ago. I sincerely hope some switch has finally flipped and both kids have figured out how to co-exist like normal human brothers. It's a long time coming and this mama appreciates the break, however long it lasts.
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