I feel like I have a unique perspective on this year's election mess for multiple reasons. At the most basic level, I'm a long-time registered Republican so I obviously spent a lot of years of my life believing in many of those policies. However, in recent years there have been additional things I've come to a better understanding of that have changed those views, at least to a degree, and in some areas more than others. So, in the end, I generally understand where both sides are coming from, or at least understand what's fueling the fears, concerns, or desperation coming from either side, even if I don't agree with where those feelings are taking them or how they want to solve an issue. I think a lot of people that are firmly on one side--and always have been--have either not been exposed to other ideas (at least not in a way that resonates with them) or just aren't open to understanding. I could give lots of examples here, but ultimately, my point is that I feel that I have seen both sides and can be comfortable with where I've landed because of that process. The logic and internal debates I have worked through to get where I am have made me a better, more thoughtful and empathetic person in the end.
Another reason I feel my perspective is unique? Because I have a microcosm of our new national "civil war" in my own house. I have two children that are so fundamentally different that their ability to find a common ground seems impossibly hampered. Despite having the same parents and living in the same house with their bedroom doors literally inches from each other, their commonalities seem very limited. And as a parent, it's exhausting trying to be the peacemaker. So, like in politics, I find myself similarly stuck in the middle of two sides that I understand but feel powerless to bring back together.
Over this past week as the election has been up in the air (and now decided but disputed), there have been a few of my Republican friends saying, "Oh sure, after four years of giving Trump nothing but grief, NOW you want to be the peacemakers? No way!" Of course, they're missing the other half of the story, that Trump spent four-plus years insulting and personally attacking the other side. Both sides are guilty of misbehavior, and it's honestly hard to know who started it. I can say with confidence that Trump made it the norm with calling female politicians "nasty" and openly calling his opponent by a disparaging nickname in speeches and tweets, and none of that is going to increase civility or make anyone want to make up. Maybe the Dems never gave him a chance, but maybe they just decided to fight fire with fire. And sure, you can't expect all should be forgiven in a few days and we'll all live together in harmony, but here's the thing--until someone decides to be the bigger person and move on, nothing is ever going to get better. How do I know that? Because I see it in my kids Every. Single. Day. It is exhausting. It feels like banging your head on a wall over and over again. We never know who started it because neither will claim it. Inevitably when we trace back the start of a fight, each one can provide a further explanation of their revenge. Why did you kick him? He hit me first! Why did you hit him? He called me a name. Why did you call him a name? He nudged my chair? Why did you nudge his chair? He looked at me funny. Why did you look at him funny? But I didn't look at him funny! It could go on forever. Maybe someone imagined it or took something the wrong way. Maybe someone overreacted. Maybe someone was goaded repeatedly until they finally snapped and were the one to get caught. There's rarely an identifiable source, but as I always tell them, you may not be able to control the other person, but you should have control over yourself and you can make the decision not to escalate it. But of course, that means the other person "wins" and that is unacceptable. So now what? How does the cycle end?
Just like in politics, one of them has to be the bigger person and stop it--whether it's not instigating or it's not reacting, someone has to be bigger than the "win" and go for a long-term reward. Too bad kids are instant gratification masters. Sigh. Of course, that begs the question, why can't the grownups do it? Maybe because most of them act like toddlers as well, but that's another story. Personally, once the name-calling and bullying expert exits the White House, that does seems like as good a time as any for a fresh start. It won't be easy, but I'm hoping that the president-elect starts making decisions that both groups can unify around. Trust has to be rebuilt that this isn't about one side vs. another, but rather finding a common ground and being able to compromise. After four years of the internal battle, though, finding that common ground without one side assuming the other is lying or trying to screw them over feels almost impossible.
Likewise in our house, we need to rebuild trust. Jacob says a lot of hurtful things to Carter. I'm not even sure he realizes how often he mocks him, makes fun of him, puts down his ideas, or otherwise makes him feel stupid. I think that's a lot of the reason why Carter is so oversensitive to critiques and criticism now. He's spent his whole life having his brother put him down, and it seems to have taken a toll. When Jacob gives him these little jabs, he tries to play it off like he's joking. The only problem is, a joke isn't funny if you don't know the other person is kidding. If you really think about it, if your friend says, "Haha, you're such a jerk!", you need that layer of trust to know that they're joking, even if they say it in a laughing way. Yet even if you do trust them, if there's too much of that good natured ribbing, you might still end up questioning their intentions. It can be a delicate balance. So you can imagine, then, when that trust isn't there, it only makes the divide bigger. Jacob doesn't understand that he needs to rebuild the trust that's been fractured all these years (basically since Carter was born, but more visibly since Carter has been old enough to understand his disdain) before he can really joke with him. But it's such a habit for him that he doesn't even know he's doing it, and he just keeps piling it on. That only upsets Carter more, and you can almost understand why Carter fights back, both mentally and physically. Jacob then takes those behaviors personally. He's annoyed that Carter prefers screens, he hates that Carter is a bad sport and wants to quit almost everything he plays, and he seems to hold him personally responsible for changing the dynamic in the house...even though it was Jacob's reaction to him that probably started the chain reaction. Not that he had control over it back then, but so much damage has been done in the interim that it's almost impossible to unpack it all. Through therapy Jacob has become more aware that a lot of his behaviors stem from his long-standing jealousy, but he has a harder time admitting that jealousy might still be playing a part now. He points the finger at his brother for the behaviors above and says that those trigger his frustrations and make him react badly. And to some degree, he's right--Carter needs to be easier-going, he needs to get off the screens, he needs to talk about different topics, and he needs to have more patience to avoid flying off the handle. He'd be much easier to live with. But Jacob also needs to be more understanding of Carter's quirks (he's older, after all) and he needs to accept his brother for who he is. Even though one usually needs to take the first step, in the end both need to make concessions to make it all work.
So, in our house, as in politics, while you may be able to go back and identify the greater instigator, both parties are equally at fault for various squabbles along the way. And in the end, it takes a combination of someone taking that first step to start the reconciliation and both continuing the steps to continue the reconciliation. I don't know who that first-stepper is going to be in politics or in our house, but I do know it needs to happen in both cases. Living in conflict in two areas of life is completely draining. And that's not even taking into consideration all of the other stressors that are complicating things further right now. But that's another story for another post...
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