Boy Mom Blues

You may recall that when I found out Carter was a boy, I was pretty torn on the whole subject.  I mean, I was super relieved that his ultrasound showed he was healthy, but the boy thing was tough for a bit.  It meant I'd most likely never have a daughter, and that made me sad.  I value my relationship with my mom, and I felt like I'd be missing out on something by not having that with my own daughter.  After all, when boys grow up they "leave" their mom and their wife becomes the most important woman in their life (and if that's not the case, it gets awkward), but for girls, their mom can always be their best friend and it's completely socially acceptable.  Eventually losing that connection with my boys definitely bummed me out.

The thing is, I know I'm probably a better boy mom than I would be a girl mom.  I loved dolls as much as anyone when I was a kid, but now some dolls are weird and little girl stuff is oversexualized, so I think I'd have a hard time with toys and clothes.  I was never good at hair or makeup, so I'd be lost there.  I only liked shopping trips with my mom because I got to hang out with her alone.  The actual clothes part was miserable.  Buying bras was awkward enough the first time around, and giving a period talk probably makes me more nervous than any of the stuff I had to discuss with Jacob a few weeks ago.  My never-solved low self-esteem issues as a tween/teenager leave me at a loss to help anyone else through that era.  I feel like I'd be completely clueless.  Empathetic, but clueless.

I'm probably wrong, but for whatever reason, boys seem harder to screw up.  I've still probably managed to do just that with Jacob anyway, but with a girl with a fragile ego or a (completely foreign-to-me) independent streak still seems harder to wrangle.  I'm not sure anyone can truly keep up with the energy of little boys, so I can't really be judged on that, but otherwise I don't feel like boys are as hard.  Or at least, if I take Jacob out of the equation as he has to be an exception for so many reasons, Carter has been infinitely easier than I would imagine any girl would be.  Dressing boys is easier and toys seem way less complicated.  They are probably defiant but tend to have a lower level of sass, which would probably drive me nuts coming from my mini-me.  Lower drama and lower maintenance are both right up my alley, but as my kids get older, I'm discovering my next challenge.

I'm finding it very hard to relate to my kids right now.  I'm sure a girl would bring her own fair share of issues-- i.e., who is this crazy person and what did she do to my daughter--but I'm finding myself having less in common with the boys as time goes on.  Luckily Carter is still pretty cuddly so I'll always take some quality snuggle time, but I know my time is limited in that realm, too.  But when it comes to quality time and conversations, it's getting so much harder.  When they were little, we talked about simple things--their day, their toys, simple TV shows, or other familiar things.  Our playtime was simple, and we had lots of cuddle time.  But now...they're both in school all day, and the stories that come out of there are far more complex than anything at daycare.  Keeping track of which friends they're cool with and which friends aren't friends is very hard, considering it can change on a day-by-day basis.  I also don't know these kids, or at least not well, and playdates just haven't been a thing--in either direction--and honestly, I'm not sure when we'd have the time anyway.

They both gravitate toward screens, and I admittedly have little-to-no interest in what they're doing.  Carter plays every random, weird game possible, and Jacob spends his time watching weird YouTube videos and searching shopping sites for basketball equipment and sneakers.  Carter's TV choices are getting far less educational and far more like brainless entertainment.  Both of them talk about this stuff all. the. time.  And because none of it interests me--and because it is so constant--it's so hard to really pay attention to the degree that I need to.  I'm constantly multitasking, be it around the house because I have to or flipping through my phone because I need a mental break, and you'd be shocked how hard it is to truly pay attention to something that you're just not into, to the degree of detail the conversation might necessitate.  I know that parental wisdom dictates that I should be into their stuff no matter what because it's their stuff, but that only goes so far.  Here's the thing--my brain is full.  On any given day, between home and work, I already have so much on my mind.  And when you've been "on" all day, sometimes you just want quiet, which makes it extra hard to listen.  There's only so much detail I can absorb about every type of basketball shoe or ball, or this player or that team, or how you play this weird app or who the character is in this weird cartoon.  And when it's all coming at me at once, it's impossible.  My brain literally blocks it out sometimes.

I try to play with them as much as I can, be it shooting hoops with Jacob or racing Carter, but when I'm home I usually have an endless to do list, so it takes some effort to set that stuff aside (and not end up in a deeper hole).  When we're not outside (like all winter), options are limited.  Carter needs to be forced to play with real toys, and Jacob considers himself too old for any of that stuff.  I can't even relate to him on music because our tastes are completely different, and even food has been a sore subject lately because Jacob is tired of our limited gluten-free options for meals at home, meals out, and snacks.  Add in the fact that I'm constantly yelling at the kids to stay away from each other, and you can see I'm not the most welcome conversation/play mate right now.  We're just not connecting on anything, and I can't help but wonder where we go from here?

I wish I had an answer.  I feel overextended and overwhelmed by life in general, and unfortunately I know my kids feel that.  The fine line between self-care and selfishness is a tough one some days.  I need to make time for my kids, but mentally sometimes I can't process another random detail.  I want to stay in shape, but is it selfish to take 30-45 minutes every other day to squeeze in a workout when so many other things need to be done?  I can't say no to housework forever (it's bad enough even with what I manage to get done), and we can't eat out that often so I have to take the time to shop and cook.  Maybe if I cut out evening TV and social media time I could go to bed earlier and wake up refreshed, but that cuts into time alone with Craig and I won't get much done during the little "me time" I have.  I know I'm not alone in this struggle--most moms feel it--and I really do know that I have a good life.  I have all I need and I am blessed.  For real.  But I still have struggles and it's still something I need to work through, not just for my sake, but my kids'.  They need to know they're loved and feel connected, and right now I'm not sure that's happening.  I'm hoping next week when I'm off with the kids it's an opportunity to make some new connections, but I fear it will just be more time than usual for me to tell them to get off electronics and stop bugging each other.  Sigh.  We shall see...