Happy Birthday to Me!

Before I get into this post, I need to share for posterity the cutest thing going right now, before the phase ends and fades into our memories: Carter has "kids".  At first it was just Patrick the Hedgehog (from Christmas) and Colin the Bear (Jacob's gift to him when he was born).  But then a blue and white dog that was a hand-me-down from Jacob and a red dinosaur that I think was originally Craig's made it into the mix.  He puts them to bed each night, making sure they're covered and have a pillow.  It's so stinking cute.  Hopefully that means he's in training to be a great dad!  I just happened to catch them in my bed, where he tucked them in to watch TV on Saturday morning, and figured that cuteness needed to be shared.

Anyway, after freaking out about our weekend plans on Friday evening, I finally hatched a plan and we enjoyed some Friendly's Wattamelon Roll that Jacob insisted we get to celebrate my birthday early.  I woke up Saturday determined to have a good day.  We had a lazy-ish morning (well, if a run and some packing counts as lazy) and then went to lunch at Red Robin to get my birthday burger...finally.  Everything took longer than planned--getting packed, out the door, and having lunch--but luckily we weren't really tight on time and I was able to stay pretty chill about it.  We had a very nice lunch--so nice that the people next to us (probably in their 50s or 60s) complimented us on our well-behaved children!  Haha!  Admittedly, Jacob was pretty good that day and they probably didn't see Carter on a phone until after they spoke!  But we were having a particularly good family conversation, so I guess we looked good!  After lunch it was on to Minnehan's down near Geneseo to enjoy some mini golf on a beautiful day.

I did terrible, which I pretty much always do there since it's a really hard course and something about it makes my short game mysteriously awful.  Maybe how the cups are set into the green?  Carter even beat me--though of course we give him a few assists here and there--but Jacob killed us all.  He won by eight strokes!  It was also his day in the arcade, as he beat the basketball game high score twice!  First he hit 68, and then he got 73!

After golf, it was on to the main event--probably one I could only get family approval of on my birthday!  We headed to the New York Festival of Balloons in Dansville, which is about an hour from home but less than a half hour from Minnehan's.  I had never been before and really wanted to go last year, but with a family wedding on my birthday weekend, it didn't work out.  I almost forgot about it this year, but then a friend of mine went on Friday night.  It took a while for it to pop back into my head after our other plans fell apart, but then it all fell right into place once that became the centerpiece of the trip.  Even better, our route to Buffalo that night would go right through Geneseo, and was the same route I took home from school.  I'm always up for a little college nostalgia!

The balloon festival was fun!  In addition to the balloons, there were a bunch of food and craft vendors, so there was a lot to see while we were there.  The balloons were just starting to fill when we arrived, and we walked around a bit before launch.  At one point we found ourselves near the Nunda Mustard booth (selling all different mustards), and I did a double take because I know my boss moonlights as a booth attendant for them at events.  Sure enough, there she was!  However, it became apparent pretty quickly that she was having a tough time.  She'd been spending a lot of time lately helping her sister's companion (who Craig and I knew because he played for the Amerks decades ago and was a big part of their alumni association), as he'd been ill, and he had passed away that morning.  So she was clearly having a tough time, and was happy to see me and get some hug therapy.  She offered up awesome suckers to the boys while we chatted, and then eventually we had to let her go so we didn't miss all of the balloons.  I felt terrible for her to have to be there in the midst of all of that.

The balloons were so beautiful.  They took off one at a time over about a half hour span or so.  They were so colorful!

What started as just a few in the field suddenly turned into a colorful batch of bubbles popping up all over.

With the sky so clear and blue in places, they almost looked fake!

I loved how they just filled up and took off with barely a sound, aside from the cheering crowd, and just magically floated up in the air.  It was almost like when a bubble catches the wind and floats upward.  So serene and beautiful.

I loved the variety of colors and patterns.

This pig cracked me up and was the only oddly shaped one that actually flew.

It was so neat to see them all dotting the sky.  It almost looked like it should have been a mobile in a baby's nursery or something.  They seem to defy gravity when you don't see anything propelling them upward.

A couple vendors were selling fabric ones that hang and spin around on your porch, and seeing the real ones flying almost made me want to buy a bunch and recreate this view.

The sun behind them was so bright that I was surprised my pictures even turned out.  I liked the way it lit this one from behind.

After the launch, we grabbed the kids some snacks--lemonade and kettle corn for Jacob, and a hot dog and cotton candy for Carter.  Craig and I opted to grab a sub in Geneseo on our way through there later.  I grabbed a selfie with Jacob in line for kettle corn...

Photo credit to Craig on this one - he made the cotton candy look huge!

While we were getting food and looking at vendors, I saw some character balloons get inflated.  I could only get a sun glare picture of this one, as it was already starting to deflate by the time we walked back over to that side of the site.

I spotted this contraption flying high through the sky after all the balloons had passed.  Not sure you could convince me to do that!

Hard to see in this picture, but there is a plane towing a glider near the top of the glowing clouds.

There were more character balloons, too.  I missed the one that looked a little like Woody from Toy Story, but caught these...

The boys each wanted to do an inflatable--Carter picked an obstacle course and Jacob picked a basketball themed one, of course.  I guess they didn't take Carter's ticket on his, so he got to do a bonus slide.  I grabbed my selfie with him while we waited there.  And yes, it was getting cool out...darn you, ending summer.

This was Jacob's choice.  You can see him shooting...

This balloon was a tethered one.  It went up in the air a bit, then came back down.  A little higher and it might have been tempting!

I would love to ride in a balloon some day, but much like bungee jumping or skydiving, I'd really like a guarantee I won't die.  So many obstacles and not a lot of steering capability.  That makes me nervous!

We eventually got on the road to Geneseo, and I very much enjoyed my Aunt Cookie's sub.  They are just so good.  Turkey, mayo, lettuce, and banana peppers - simple yet perfect!  The ironic thing is that I ate too many subs in the dining hall at college (out of necessity since a lot of the other food was gross) so I almost never ate at Aunt Cookie's when I was a student.  But I feel I've made up for it since!

Geneseo truly is my happy place.  Had to say hi to Emmeline the Bear (on top of the fountain) as we passed by on the way back to the van...

I drove around campus a bit and pointed out a couple of my dorm rooms and some other landmarks.  I really do love it there.  Ironically, when we got to my in-laws the next night to celebrate Craig's dad's birthday, our niece was talking about Geneseo because her best friend just started there and she's considering going there.  She was even supposed to go with a friend on Saturday night to visit her best friend, who's a freshman, but that fell through.  She ended up getting a call while we were there to reschedule the trip for that night.  Hopefully she enjoyed her trip!  I would love to see her go there because it's a great school and just the right size for her.

I enjoyed taking my old route home through all the little towns en route to the Thruway in Batavia.  So many memories and mixed emotions of trips on that route--excitement to see my friends, dread of going back for another semester of classes or getting back in town for a Sunday night of questionable dinner and catching up on the studying I didn't do at home.  Still, I love it there.

On Sunday morning we got to go to the baptism of this sweet little nugget, Lucy.  

As usual it was a little odd being back at our old church, which is now just a shadow of its former self.  Just a small group of the remaining members, but nice to see familiar faces nonetheless.  I was disappointed that the hallway down to the gym was locked, as Jacob really wanted to see it.  The playground was looking a bit rough, too, but there aren't many kids (and no school) to use it anymore.  It always breaks my heart at how it has all gone downhill from the thriving, active church it once was.  Anyway, Lucy was an angel, and we had a very nice time at the party in the early afternoon.  I always love getting time with family.

After that we went to Craig's parents, which was surprisingly low key since his brother's crew (minus our niece) was at our sister-in-law's parents' place for the weekend.  We were also surprised to find a new little buddy there.  Say hi to Hank...

He was a rescue of sorts, and the absolute sweetest little guy.  Look at that tongue!  He seems to fit in perfectly with their other two dogs, and just made me smirk with his crooked teeth and expressive ears.

We had a lovely little mini-celebration there...

They sang to me, and then we sang to Craig's dad, and then we had a bonus visit from Craig's aunt and uncle.  Soon enough it was time to come home, but it was a very rainy drive.  We had a rather quiet day on Monday, our last day of freedom before Jacob's orientation days started.  We all started very slow in the morning, and then I finally worked out, did some laundry, washed Carter's backpack, blogged, and once again helped Jacob through editing his summer reading write-up.  I finally had to pass him off to Craig because I felt like Jacob was tuning me out after hearing the same thing over and over again.  I think he's pretty much done now, and thank goodness because it has been a bear.  They better teach him some critical thinking skills this year because I need this to be easier next year!

This morning began a new era in our house, but I'll save all that for one all-encompassing first day of school post, so you'll have to wait a couple days!

Clutch

It was an interesting week around our house, with Jacob done with camp and Carter finishing up.  I was home for three days and Craig was home for two.  We tried to find a balance between giving Jacob "true" summer vacation (i.e., letting him just relax and fill his time as he wished) and being productive.  He had a lot of summer reading work left to do, so it couldn't be all fun and games!  He and Craig did some fun basketball stuff while they were home, though.  I had a lot to accomplish myself during the time off.  I finally sorted through and photographed the rest of the artwork that came home from school and camp, and tried again to clean up some of the baby stuff.  I never did get back around to our donation pile, but hopefully eventually.  At least I got in a couple workouts!

Tuesday night Jacob had basketball, the first night of the playoffs.  It was a tough game against a higher seed, but Jacob's team won and secured their spot in the championship game on Thursday!  We celebrated by hitting up our new 110 Grill for dinner.  It's a full service restaurant that caters to those with allergies, particularly gluten issues.  Nearly their entire menu can be altered to be gluten-free!  It was Kids Eat Free night, so we figured we'd at least get one kid fed for cheap!  Unfortunately, the thing Jacob decided to try, totchos (tater tot nachos) ended up not being to his liking, but he did love their dinner rolls and he very much enjoyed his flourless chocolate cake dessert.  The rest of us enjoyed our meals as well, so we'll definitely go back and try again.

Yum, berries and chocolate!

On Thursday, Carter had his school meet-and-greet.  It was nice to see his new teacher and check out his classroom.  We were also able to scope out his classmates.  It turns out he only has two repeat classmates, the pair of twins whose bowling birthday party he went to last year, and one other kid he knows from one of his camps this summer.  Three is better than none, but I know he will miss his old classmates.  I realized that it has to be a bit jarring going into first grade like that, because for his entire school experience, he's always been with the same kids, and now it'll be different.  He should still get to see his best buddy Ben at the afterschool program, and we actually got to see him checking out his classroom next door that day.  Hopefully Carter will make a lot of new friends this year so he'll know more kids going into next year's class.  I also really hope this teacher will be as good of a fit for him as she was for Jacob.

That night, it was off to the championship game.  They were playing against another higher seed, a team that they'd battled hard twice this season. 

Jacob warming up

Pre-game huddle - notice the difference in height between a couple players on the left vs. Jacob on the right!

It was a very close game, back and forth throughout.  Jacob's team worked hard to keep pace, and in the first half Jacob got two beautiful three-pointers to give his team the lead each time.  It was amazing to see him contribute like that in such a big game.  In the second half they were on the losing end of a larger deficit, and had to battle back.  Their tallest player and best rebounder went on a fantastic run as time ticked down, and they got it close.  They took advantage of some foul shots and took the lead late, and by this point everyone was on the edge of their seats!  This team had only been together for a month, just eight games, yet the stakes felt so much higher than that!  It was a nerve wracking last minute or so, but it was so wonderful to see them pull off a victory!

Jacob was mid-celebration here...you can almost see the bounce in his step!

Getting ready for handshakes

Imagine our excitement when we saw the box of trophies come out!  Jacob has received medals from a couple lacrosse tournaments, and small participation trophies from baseball, but a real trophy was a new one for him, and it was a big one!

Getting his trophy

Team picture!

Jacob was so excited to have won, and everyone was really complimentary of his contributions to the team.  The head of the league actually thanked Craig for bringing him there and was super impressed with how he saved his best performance for the championship!  He even called him "clutch"!  We were so proud, and he couldn't stop talking about how awesome it was to win.

Two handsome boys with fresh haircuts!

Overall, it was a successful season because Jacob learned a ton and benefitted immensely from the consistent in-game playing time twice a week.  He got so much more comfortable in his role, excelled defensively, and found a better balance between looking to pass and taking a shot when he gets the ball (since he'd almost always look to pass in the past).  He's doing the same league again this month, and this time he's on a team with a bunch of players from the travel team he'll be a part of in the spring.  It'll be nice to start building those relationships now.

We finished off that night with some celebratory ice cream at Dairy Queen, and even ran into another teammate (the tall rebounder whose late-game heroics won the game and earned him MVP honors).  Carter (and his crazy hair) really enjoyed a cookie dough Blizzard!

It was a great way to start heading into the long weekend, although I was still pretty stumped on how we'd be spending that weekend.  I got into a bit of a funk on Friday, in fact, because the easiest option--doing touristy stuff in Niagara Falls--seemed like it wouldn't work with how our timing was playing out.  I had actually hoped to get a head start to Buffalo on Friday, but because no one was giving me any feedback on any of the options I kept presenting, I didn't feel comfortable starting to pack.  That left too little time that evening to eat, pack, and get to Buffalo before it was too late to have an early start the next morning.  Then I started to panic about timing and long waits for the things we would have done, and I realized we had to scrap the whole plan because there just wasn't time (or probably energy) to accomplish all we needed to do to make the purchase of the activity pass worthwhile.  On top of everything else, I was too full from Friday's lunch with Jacob (trying out Core Life - not particularly successful) to use my birthday dinner at Red Robin like we'd planned, which messed up our evening even further--both because of timing and because I didn't have anything else planned.  In general, nothing was seeming to work out, and I was convinced my birthday would be spent sitting around the house listening to the kids fight and complain about boredom all day.  After a couple hours of moping, I finally formulated a plan, and it seemed like it might actually work!  Stay tuned to find out whether or not it did!

Early(-ish) to Bed, (Really) Early to Rise

I've known since we started this private school journey last fall that it would probably mean a lot of changes in our lives.  Tuition, uniforms, more homework, farther distance, different schedules, new subjects, totally different classmates.  Based on what we had been told at open house, I knew that he'd probably end up on a bus with high school kids and that it would be early.  I figured he'd have to be up an hour or so earlier, out the door by maybe 7:00 or so.  Even still, I worried about it all summer, and yesterday the letter finally showed up.  Both kids' letters did, actually.  I was disappointed enough to see Carter's pick-up was earlier than last year, at 8:09am, and his stop moved up the street about five houses to where Jacob's used to be, rather than at the closer corner.  But nothing prepared me for opening Jacob's.

It took me a minute to hone in on the pick-up time, probably because it seemed completely foreign: 6:36am.  Six-thirty-what-now?!  I'm not even conscious at 6:36, at least not for anything more than snoozing alarm #2.  How am I supposed to get an 11-year-old boy who never hears his alarm up, showered, dressed, fed, packed up, and off to the bus stop (which is WAY around the corner--at least a five minute walk, so he'll probably be driven) by 6:36?  It'll still be dark, for Pete's sake.  School doesn't even start until 8am, which means he'll be up for a solid 2-1/2 hours by the time he makes it to his desk.  The bus routes through the high school on the absolute opposite side of the town from us.  I have no idea why, but it seems ridiculous since no kids in our neighborhood should be going to that school.

He's already giving me trouble about his proposed bedtime--8:30.  It's a far cry from where it was last year (9:30) and where it's been most of the summer (10pm).  But if he's going to have to be up early, he needs to get some earlier sleep to counteract it, or we'll have a crazy, overtired kid on our hands.  The thing is, between sports and ADHD, I'm not sure 8:30 is even possible.  Some nights we're not getting home from basketball until nearly 8, and then we still need to eat dinner.  It's pushing 9pm by the time we're done.  In addition, he's long had trouble falling asleep, probably because his ADHD tends to ramp him up at night.  Sometimes he'll lay there for an hour or more before he falls asleep.  I have a feeling I'll have to take his phone at bedtime to reduce temptation, and we might have to rely on melatonin for a while to get him in the habit of falling asleep earlier.  Even then it might not be realistic to do lights out any earlier than 9pm, but we'll have to try.

Realistically he'll have to be up before 6am, and since he never hears his alarm, that means one of us would have to be up by then to get him moving.  We'll probably have to pack his lunch at night (unless any one of us wants to be doing it at 6am), and somehow get ready soon enough to drop him off at the stop, in the dark, at 6:30.  And if he misses the bus, someone will have to get completely ready before 7:30 to take him.

Of course, we could just skip all this and take him every day.  7:30 sounds better than 6:30, no doubt.  But it won't always work, especially when Craig is traveling.  Carter's bus is at 8:09 and he can't be dropped off at school until about 8:45, so that would be a lot of back-and-forth, and I'd still be late to work!  But on normal days, getting out the door a full hour earlier than we used to and driving a lot of extra miles each day doesn't sound great.  But I suppose I'd rather do it myself than have Craig do it.  He usually needs more sleep and he shouldn't put any more miles than necessary on the van, since it's only three years old and has nearly caught up to my almost-seven-year-old car in mileage.  But his trip to work from there is quicker and he's supposed to be at work at 8:30 anyway.  But it might behoove me to do it because I could possibly shift my work day earlier by a half hour or so, which would let me get home to Jacob sooner (he'll be home by 4pm) and ideally get a head start on dinner, which would help us shift our entire evening earlier and make earlier bedtimes more feasible and less noticeable for all of us.  I'm probably leaning toward this option right now, but I have a feeling next week will include some experimentation to figure out what works.

But the big question mark in all of this is how we'll all do with getting up at an ungodly early hour (at least in our household) on a regular basis.  We've never had to do that before, and it's concerning to me that it could break us.  Yes, maybe we'll adjust just fine.  But what if the long bus ride/extra commute/lack of sleep/general change in schedule is too much for us?  I mean, sure...you push through and make it work.  But what if, in the end, it just doesn't work for us?  What if the upside isn't enough to make this significant disruption worth it?  What if Jacob hates the schedule so much that he just shuts down?  What if the time shift just makes us miserable?  I don't want him to miss out on this opportunity because we're struggling with seemingly insignificant stuff--even if Jacob's the one struggling the most--but it's possible this could be too much for any one of us.

Maybe we should have asked more questions and been more realistic about what made sense for our entire family, not just Jacob.  I'm currently kicking myself for not pushing harder to look at the Christian K-12 school (also with a great basketball team) that's literally less than 10 minutes down the road, right on a direct route to work.  I guess that's our backup plan if this whole thing implodes, but it would stink to go through this transition now and worry that we'll need to do another one a year from now.  I'd hate to be all-in on this school and then have to leave to maintain our sanity.  It feels sort of like the letdown of our FCA lacrosse experience--thinking we were just starting a long run, buying the merchandise, touting the mission, and then suddenly being done far sooner than expected.  I just hate not finishing things, so the mere thought of this not working out (no matter how premature) makes me nuts.  I was already worried enough about Jacob's academic transition, but adding this complete change in schedule is now scaring me even more.  I know I'm worrying prematurely and we'll need to give it time, but I know how important sleep is in this house and I'm just concerned that we'll all tire of this craziness--particularly knowing it could be our reality for seven years.  Can we sustain that?  I truly have no idea.

I don't know why this particular challenge is worrying me so much more than any of the other adjustments we have ahead.  Maybe it's because we're all impacted and it involves an area (sleep) where we already struggle.  I just don't like going into this with the deck stacked against us to this degree.  It makes me worry that if Jacob has any other struggles, they're only going to be compounded by there already being one area where we're feeling pushed to our limits.  I guess we won't know how bad it is for at least a couple weeks, to see if we can settle in or if it just keeps getting harder.  It's a time to turn over a new leaf and make some new habits.  I just hope we're strong enough to keep them going.

News and Notes, Rapidly Disappearing August Edition

How is it August 20th?  I was just here talking about how it was the beginning of August, and now we're two-thirds of the way through.  Jacob is done with camp at the end of this week, and has one week and one day off before it all gets real for him.  Carter has three field trips this week and a quiet week at camp the following week, before three days at home until school starts.  I'm still trying to plan us some summer fun, but I'm ending up stumped and/or worried about the weather, so it's not going far.  My cousin also scheduled her baby's Christening over Labor Day weekend, so that complicates things as well, since I'd like to be there.

Of course, we might be stuck here simply to get Jacob ready for school.  To be fair, we're making progress.  All of his school supplies are in hand.  His shirts are ordered, and we found pants at Old Navy on our first try, which I ended up having to order online and picked up yesterday.  But shoes are eluding us and he needs a couple more ties, and we're running out of store options.  Not surprisingly, summer reading is still a challenge.  He finished book #1 and finished his writing portion, however I haven't looked it over yet and I know there will be editing/refinement needed.  We picked up book #2 yesterday, but getting him to start was challenging.  It's also longer than he remembered, and I know the writing will take forever again.  It's going to take every last moment to get it all done, and he officially has less than two weeks.  He's also already balking at the concept of going to bed earlier to offset the hour earlier that he'll have to wake up.  We're definitely going to have to use our time at home next week to discuss expectations and figure out how we're going to make all of this work without driving ourselves nuts.  Waking up, packing lunches, tying ties, gelling hair, staying on task--all will be things he'll need help with, which means one or both of us will need to be up early to push him along--or God forbid be ready quickly enough to drive him 20 minutes to school if he misses the bus.  This is a huge opportunity for him, and I'd hate to see him lose it because he (or we) can't seem to get it together.  God knows I don't want to do another transition like this again next year!  Oh, and I just saw the academic calendar for this year, and he has so many days off.  Two weeks at Christmas, almost a whole week at Thanksgiving, a bunch of in-service days (like, two per month on average, I'd guess), and he's done June 4...which means he's going to have to get really good at staying home alone, because I don't know what else to do with him for 2-3 weeks until camps start.  Maybe force himself to get through at least the first half of his summer reading ASAP?  Oy.  Big changes ahead, no doubt.

In comparison, Carter's school preparations seem easy.  We still have one supply to get, his headphones, but unless his teacher has special requests, he's otherwise all set.  We are still waiting for his teacher letter, unfortunately.  Based on my Facebook memories we'd already received a good chunk of Jacob's letters by now, as well as Carter's letter last year.  Even though we're pretty sure we know who he's getting based on what his Kindergarten teacher told me, I'd still like to see it in writing.  She was such a great teacher for Jacob, so I think she'd manage Carter well, too.  Even if somehow that doesn't work out, knowing we're back at the same school with the same schedule, and don't have uniforms (or even new clothes) to worry about makes him seem like cake this year.

Last week Carter finished off his Micro Lacrosse program.  He seemed to enjoy it, and even finished off the last session with at least a goal (or three if you ask him) in the final scrimmage, which was finally real lacrosse with their sticks and an actual ball!  Even still, I think he's pretty set on playing basketball this winter, just like his big brother.

Getting their certificates--Carter is the last kid in the top row on the right

Last huddle and cheer

A sweaty, happy kid!

He'll most likely play Upward like Jacob did last year.  It'll be right at his level of competition and should work out fine enough with Jacob's schedule.  That's important because...Jacob will be playing travel basketball!  We haven't even been able to announce it on social media, but after a couple rounds of tryouts he made a team.  It sounds like most of our travel will be to Buffalo or Syracuse, with maybe one longer trip to Pennsylvania.  Aside from the fact Craig will be working weekends then, it's not too intimidating.  I mean, outdoor lacrosse tournaments seem a lot more cumbersome, with lawn chairs and coolers and snacks and weather uncertainties.  We may have to drive through snow, yes.  But we won't be sitting in it.  We may have to bring snacks and coolers, but I think they can mostly stay in the car.  Gyms should have bleachers, I hope.  For the most part we'll be in familiar areas, so I think it'll be manageable for planning meals and finding places to stay.  Talk to me in May, though!  He's extremely excited, of course, and while we are too, we're also a bit nervous because he's been struggling a little in his current league.  Not that he's not playing well, but he's not getting many chances.  There are always things he can do better, but I guess last game his coach called out his teammates for not passing to him, since he's standing exactly where he's supposed to be to receive a pass and shoot a three or drive to the net.  But he upped his game a notch during tryouts on Saturday, so we're hoping that will carry over to his next games, as well.  And tonight, that seemed to be the case because he scored more than one basket for the first time--five points!  He played hard and confident.  He said tryouts got his confidence back, so let's hope it sticks.

Aside from tryouts over the weekend, we just kept things pretty low key.  It was a bit rainy on Saturday, which didn't help.  Craig had to work Sunday and spent some time with his family on Saturday night, so it was just the kids and me for most of the time.  We ended up with an unfortunate fly infestation that we're still struggling with a bit.  We killed a bunch of flies starting late last week, mostly in the kitchen, but eventually it got to be maybe two dozen a day for a few days, in the kitchen, the dining room window, and the living room window.  The worst was when I went to bed--half asleep on Saturday, alone--and discovered they sought out the only light in the house while I was brushing my teeth.  I was up an extra half hour killing seven flies so they weren't buzzing my head all night.  I closed the kids' doors, as well as mine, so no others would get in, and just persevered until all of the ones in my room were done.  They're drunk flyers and get easily flustered in a corner, but still present a challenge to catch.  My internet fly trap didn't work, unfortunately, and I even forgot to get a fly swatter while out on Saturday, so it was all killing by hand.  Yuck.  Presumably something died somewhere in the walls or attic--no odd smells, nor was it the sink drain--but I figure maggots got it and have been becoming flies in waves.  It seems to be slowing down, maybe 8-10 a day for a couple days, but what a pain!  Kill two, and three more appear out of nowhere...rinse and repeat.  I can't wait for it to be over.

Otherwise over the weekend, I made a little more progress on cleaning up some additional baby stuff.  I did more experimenting to clean high chair straps in hopes of selling or donating them.  I tossed the baby tub and two potties (as hygiene concerns don't make them able to be donated), along with two bags of sippy cups, bottles, pacifiers, and teething rings.  Some may have been able to be reused, but most were showing their age so I recycled a bunch and tossed the rest.  Once again, it was sad, but what can you do?  I have a huge amount of donations to sort through over the coming weeks, particularly now that Craig is down nearly 25 pounds and has pared down his wardrobe quite a bit.  Between both of our cast-offs and the baby stuff, I have a pile that takes over half the office to sort and record, just in case we can ever itemize.  I also changed out the bathroom door with a lock we know we can open (as the kids like to lock themselves in there), did Jacob's uniform and shoe shopping, bought and planted a hydrangea, transplanted a bunch of random stuff in my yard, and tried to keep the boys at bay. At one point they were playing basketball together, and this happened...

Stuck!

Oh, and that reminds me...we also had a crazy thing happen the other night.  We were outside with a bunch of sports balls--we had been blowing up some and the boys were taking inventory of our many different ones.  It was just about dusk.  I had been pulling weeds since I discovered two giant ragweed plants (my worst allergy) in my front flower bed.  Suddenly a fox comes trotting around the side of the house.  It ended up in the front yard about 10-12 feet from us.  It just looked at us.  It looked like it might lay down and hang out, but then it spotted a small red basketball a few feet away.  It walked over and tried a few times to chew on it.  I have no idea what it thought it was doing.  We just sort of slowly backed away, but eventually I got nervous and shook my handful of weeds at him to shoo him.  The motion startled him just enough and he trotted away the way he came.  He didn't look like he had mange, so his rather odd comfort level with humans was a bit disturbing.  I still don't know what we should have done.  So strange.  I realized afterward that we usually see rabbits all the time in our yard during the summer, but this year I haven't seen any, and that guy might be why.  Yikes.

Adding to my panic about how close the end of summer is getting, I saw a line of cars going into the university's main entrance yesterday morning as Jacob and I passed by, and I realized it was international students moving in.  I knew that other freshmen move in Wednesday, but international students usually come a couple days early.  Knowing students are back really makes the end of summer feel real.  Geneseo's move-in is Friday, literally 23 years to the day that I moved in as a freshman.  I'm off on Friday, and have half-heartedly considered driving down there for a bit, just to watch and remember and presumably prepare myself for seven years from now when we drop off Jacob.  Yep, seven.  So if I think about how time has passed since he was four and I was pregnant with Carter (for reference, let's say when we took the "first day of school" picture with the big brother shirt), and now in that same amount of time we'll be taking him to college...well, CRAP.  That is going to go scarily fast.  Of course, we first have to see if he can tackle middle school 😁

But the signs are definitely there--earlier sunsets, cooler stints of weather, lots of first day of school Facebook posts from other parts of the country, and the impending anniversary of my own birth--that summer is well on its way out.  Each year we let it go kicking and screaming, even though fall brings with it its own sense of peace and comfort...until it gets cold and the school paperwork starts piling up, anyway.  Last year I at least had a fabulous trip to look forward to in September to get me over the hump, but this year there's just a whole lot of unknowns and adjustments.  Hopefully we can find a way to send summer out on a high note and find more things to love about fall, because it's coming whether we like it or not!

The Power of the Written Word

I wasn't sure whether to post this here, mostly because it was another stupid social media problem that I most likely overreacted to...but even after crafting a response and thinking about it for a couple days, I'm still having it roll around in my brain a bit more than I'd like, so I think I just want to get it out here and hope that's enough to move on.

The other day, an old friend of mine posted something on Facebook asking parents to not complain about their kids in their statuses.  She loves seeing pictures, but the complaints should stay private--not only because she has preconceived notions about what your kid is like based on that, but also because one day your kid could see it and that could be devastating to them. 

Because I had posted my second post about Jacob's summer reading earlier that day (and she responded--she's in education and chimed in on my last one, too), I felt compelled to respond since it was entirely possible that my post was part of her motivation.  I explained that sometimes parenthood is isolating, and for those of us who don't have a good support system of friends to complain to privately, sometimes Facebook is the easiest place to go for support or advice.  Yes, we should watch what we post, but if someone posts something like that anyway, it probably means they're struggling and are looking to fellow parents for validation or help.  Maybe it's not the best way to go about it, but sometimes you just do what you can to get through it.

I should note here that she is not a parent.  She does, however, work with kids so it's not like she's out of touch with how they behave.  But I still think being a parent is a completely different dynamic.

Anyway, she private messaged me the next day and said that I did not prompt her post, but "since you mentioned it", she went on to talk about how what I do post has given her a certain impression of my kids and how she thinks what I have written will be very hurtful to Jacob if he ever reads it in the future.  She talked about how overhearing an argument between her parents at 18 deeply impacted her because her mom essentially confirmed she was a letdown--which she related back to her struggles with ADHD, which I honestly never knew she had despite being very good friends in high school.  She said that she sees the impact of talk like that in the kids at school, and encouraged me to try to phrase posts more positively so Jacob doesn't have the same rude awakening as an adult that she did.  The thing is, she's not entirely off-base.  I think she was coming from a very sincere place with genuine concerns.  I get it.  I do.  I should be more thoughtful, and I actually think I have been over the past year or two.  I even looked back through nearly a year of posts to see if I was off-base.  The one summer reading post was really the most negative.  The one on Sunday I actually thought was pretty positive--just talking about how critical thinking has seemingly not been a big part of his education thus far (and he's definitely a STEM kid all the way), so we're working through the writing together.  Any others that were borderline really seemed--to me--to be attempts at finding humor in the challenge that is parenting, generally via memes that made me smirk.  So all I can figure is that much of what she was thinking about dates back years, to a time where life with Jacob was really, really hard and I probably couldn't help but vent about it.

I think what bugged me the most was her take on my kids if it was based entirely on Facebook: "I would be led to believe that Jacob is a total pain in the ass with no self-control (and you don’t particularly like him) and that Carter is an angel child whom you wish Jacob was more like."  She even clarified that she knows that's probably not the case, but that's what she would assume.  The thing is, she's not entirely off-base here either.  Jacob is a really, really difficult kid and his impulsiveness is definitely one of our biggest struggles.  Obviously I love him with every fiber of my being, but admittedly, there are moments I don't so much enjoy being around him.  Like when I've told him for the millionth time that he needs to do his summer reading (and do it well because his first impression at school depends on it), and that it is not going away so he needs to just push through and do it.  It gets old, people.  Or like the day I got her message (and it left me pretty shaken up), the first thing he does as we leave camp is complain about the fact that when camp was going to the movies the next day, he would have to get the concession stand "snack pack" like everyone else instead of picking his snack of choice.  Most of the time he complains because he can't eat what everyone else is eating, and the one time he's okay to do that, he complains and wants more.  Much of the time it feels like we can't win with him, and it's hard.  I don't love him any less, but sometimes the frustration is overwhelming.  And as for Carter, no, he's not an angel, but he has been an easier child to raise, no doubt--and who doesn't want that?  And, from a social media perspective, he still smiles more for the camera, so he does end up on my feed more than his brother.  

Even though she said she doesn't necessarily believe those things, it's half-blind judgments like that that make the internet the dumpster fire it is.  It's one thing to have a snap judgment--say, as you watch a tantrumming kid in Target--but it's another to really think that represents anything more than that moment.  If there's anything that parenthood has taught me, it's that we all have bad moments--angry, no-sleep, sick kid, constant-whine-induced moments of weakness--that people would be mortified to see.  But they're just that, moments.  They do not reflect entirely who we are or what our lives are like.  You just never know what someone else is going through.  Maybe the kid has a medical condition.  Maybe the mom hasn't had a break in months.  You just don't know.  In the example of that Target store tantrum, the proper response really is specific to your kid, but people will always see a fault in it.  For some kids, it's best to leave your cart and haul them right out of the store.  For others, it's better to ignore them completely and keep shopping like nothing's happening.  Only you know your kid--or know that you absolutely need what you came for and can't leave until to get it, no matter what happens.  People will judge away regardless (and honestly, if you still give your kid a reward after that, I probably will judge you a little--but only a little, because maybe one tantrum is an improvement over last time!), but no one except you knows what's best in your situation.  And until you've been there, it will always be easy to judge and say that a parent is doing something wrong.

When I responded to her, I tried to explain that Jacob's challenges have been central to our lives for many years.  It has touched every part of our family and changed my life completely.  If I didn't share even a bit of that online, I'd either be superhuman or feel like a fraud.  Mind you, I'm a social media sharer.  Some people aren't and would be mortified to offer up even one detail about their lives.  But for whatever reason, I'm a sharer and I feel better getting that stuff out into the world--for better or for worse.  I'm not going to post only the good stuff because that's not really representative of us.  Too many people judge their own lives so harshly because of the perfection they see online, and I don't want to contribute to that if I can help it.  What we go through with Jacob is part of my reality, so there are going to be moments where it comes out.  It may not be the best way to deal with it, but sometimes I don't know how else to process it.  We already do therapy, but that only goes so far.  My friend suggested getting in closed Facebook groups or something like that, but the thing is, despite our very real struggles, most groups we'd "qualify" for are probably full of more severe issues than ours, and I don't think we'd fit in there either.  We don't have an IEP, we don't have a kid destroying the house, and by all accounts at school he's a pretty normal kid these days.  We're in an odd in-between place--just normal enough, but not quite.

Unfortunately, no matter how much I might change my ways now, a lot of the damage has already been done.  Presumably a lot of what she based her opinions on dates far back, to a time before we all had a greater understanding of the permanence of the internet and what the long-term ramifications can be.  Maybe I would have been more conscious of it back then had I known what I know now.  But then again, do I really care what someone who doesn't know me or my kids in real life thinks?  Not really.  People who know us in person know what we've been through and know what kind of parent I am.  Their opinions matter far more, and even if they are negative, in-person interactions are probably the only thing that will change their mind.  But I probably can't change the opinion of an online friend, because they'll only see what they want to see in those momentarily glimpses into our lives.  I can't really help that and I'm not going to re-wire my life for someone who has little-to-no consequence in our daily lives. I can be more thoughtful, yes, but I still need to live my life and not make myself crazy worrying about the opinions of others.

Of course, then there's this blog.  I come here and spill everything.  But not too many people are reading this one, so maybe it's different.  I consider it a family history at this point and I will not delete it.  Not now, anyway.  This is where I process things, and I'm not going to gloss over the hard stuff.  I don't share everything, but I do share most. 

So what about Jacob?  Jacob knows this blog exists, and he even knows where to find it.  I think he's even read a bit here and there.  After my friend's message on Monday, we chatted in the car on the way home.  I asked him if, despite all the fights we have, he knows how much we love him.  He said yes, and in true kid fashion he listed off a bunch of stuff (basketball camp, sneakers, private school) as proof.  Then I asked him if it bothers him that I sometimes talk about him and our struggles on Facebook, when I'm frustrated or angry.  He said no, basically because he knows we love him and he knows that I was just upset in that moment.  I explained why I was asking those things, and truth be told, I'm not sure he fully grasps the issue, but essentially he was unconcerned.  I honestly think he's well aware of our situation, knows we're frustrated, but also knows that none of it changes how we feel about him.  Like anyone else, he has angry moments where he says mean things to us, and maybe he figures we have the right to do the same?  He doesn't really seem to care what anyone thinks about him (unless, of course, you're talking about his basketball skills), so perhaps he would be unphased.  It's not like he thinks he's had some sort of idyllic childhood, so it might not be a surprise to read about the frustrations later on.

I consider this blog a labor of love.  Clearly I never meant for it to be filled with negativity, but parenthood throws you some curve balls and it evolved.  But for every negative post, there are so many more that document the good times, the victories, and all of the things we've done to try to give Jacob (and Carter) a good life.  Maybe someday he will read it and be hurt by what he sees when it's down "on paper" in front of him.  Again, I don't think much of it will be a surprise, but it could sting.  But I hope he sees the love and dedication, too--the many attempts at trying to make it better, the many trips we took even though we knew they would be hard, that time and time again we gave him the opportunity to do something he loved, no matter how much time or money it involved.  Hopefully he'll see the desperation in some of the posts, the sadness that our challenges have brought, and understand that only something so loved could cause a reaction like that.  It's only hard because it's important.  If we didn't care, it would be easy to write him off and let him fail on his own.  But we can't, and we won't.  And that's what unconditional love is all about.  Have I made mistakes along the way?  Yup--big ones, in fact.  Maybe this blog is one of them.  But there isn't a manual for this and sometimes we just have to find a way.  It won't always be the best one, but survival mode is like that sometimes.  

I think we all have moments as we get older where we find out all of the stuff that our parents did to raise us, and we find out it was hard, even in the best of circumstances.  My friend found out earlier than most when she overheard her parents' conversation, but I think most of us find out when we become parents and see just how much dedication and sacrifice this role takes.  Initially it's things like sleep and a social life, later it might be money or hobbies, and with some it's peace of mind or maybe even their sanity.  It's a hard job.  If you'd have told me pre-pregnancy what parenthood would look like 11 years in, I probably wouldn't have done it.  Not because I don't value my kids, the experience, or the life we have--I do, immensely--but because the fear of the unknown would have been too much to take.  It would have been terrifying to think about willingly changing my life that dramatically and being faced with so many tough choices.  Staying in a good, moderately fulfilling life would have been easier than jumping into something so overwhelming, even if in the end it made me a more well-rounded, fulfilled, and raw/real human being.  None of us know what we're getting into when we see the positive pregnancy test.  You think you want more out of life, so you hope for the best and go for it.  It's a giant gamble, and the payoff is complicated.  But you do it and you find your way through, even if the path isn't always the best one.  

Ultimately, I think that's what I was struggling to communicate to my friend.  Those posts may not have shown Jacob or me in the best light, but in the moment it's hard to know what's best, and you react.  You grasp at any shred of commiseration or support, and that desire generally outweighs (in the moment) the idea that one person may think less of you for sharing it.  In that instant, you just want help or comfort.  And particularly when your child is little, it's not the first thought in your head that they may grow up, dig into your social media account, and have their life shattered.  I suppose we're getting to that point with Jacob now, however.  Before you know it, he will be my Facebook friend and he will regularly see if I say anything about him.   I will probably try not to, but hopefully if I do, he's as blasé about it then as he is about it now.  And if he takes the opportunity to dig deeper into the past, we may have to have another conversation.  I can't change what's been posted, and I refuse to make myself crazy trying to rewrite history with the delete button.  I just have to hope that the love he feels the rest of the time is enough to know that he means everything to us, and a few frustrated moments--online or in person--can never change that.  

(Future Jacob, if you're reading this, just read that last line again.  Thanks.  I love you so much and always will.  No matter what.)