Trumped

I'll get back to the weekend rundown soon, but obviously I couldn't ignore all that has happened in America in the last 48 hours.  So here goes...

I am a registered Republican.  I have voted for the Republican candidate for president every single time since I was 18.  It all began with an afternoon in my dorm room as my roommate and I filled out absentee ballots and both voted for Bob Dole.  Yep, I started out a loser.  But that's okay, it happens.  So clearly I was pretty well-ingrained in the party, even if the past few elections have been weird and made me wonder just how right I actually lean.  And then came Tuesday.  For the first time ever, there was a Republican candidate who was so repulsive to me that I simply could not vote for him.  What's more, I voted for someone whose husband I disliked when he was in office, and who has become quite the center of corruption in her own right.  That she was the lesser of the evils is extremely concerning to me.  Both candidates were awful, no doubt.  But I voted for Hillary because I felt that her main advantage was that she could do the job.  Maybe not do it exceptionally or entirely honestly, but she could do it and America as we know it would remain intact.  She had seen the position from a wife's perspective, so she knew what it entails.  She's dealt with major foreign figures.  She seems to be a human being with some sort of intact heart.  I know many people would question that after Benghazi and everything, but when it comes down to it, while I think she made some very questionable decisions in her career, on a personal level I would still trust her to, for example, be around my kids and not scar them for life.  Horrible decisions aside, she's still a decent human being on some level.

Instead, we have a president-elect with very little political experience, a short fuse, and a missing filter.  Anyone that took elementary school social studies knows that our government is set up as it is for a reason--there are checks and balances to ensure that no one gets too much power.  So while I know that along those lines he cannot do too much damage, I still fear for what America will become under his rule.  I worry about him meeting with foreign dignitaries and going rogue, even for a moment, and instantly creating an enemy.  I worry about the fact that so many of his businesses have gone into bankruptcy, and yet we're trusting him to help this country's economic state.  I worry about the culture of hate, division, and bullying that he has consistently stood for, and how it will play out now that his election has validated it further.  I simply can't comprehend how someone that talked about deporting an entire ethnic group, building a wall to keep another group out, and has name-called countless people has become one of the most powerful people in the world.  He has the potential to make a complete mockery of one of the most storied positions in history.

I know that many voters were concerned about their guns and potential Supreme Court picks, and I know Obamacare is a goner, but I simply do not know what they are actually expecting him to do to make America better.  He has not been clear on his plans up to this point, and again, checks and balances are only going to let him get so far anyway.  He might ruffle a few feathers with the old-school politicians, which might be good, but the renegade thing is scary in its own right.  I truly hope he can reform things a bit, but again, how much can he really do?  President Obama had a lot of plans and was clearly very capable, but how much of the big stuff did he actually accomplish in eight years?  Obamacare, yes, but beyond that?  Even with Congress on his side, it won't be easy, and he probably won't want to tick off voters too much if he has plans to stick with this for the full eight years.

As a parent I find all of this extra troubling, as kids are well aware of his bullying tendencies, and in spite of all they hear about how it's wrong, the bullying poster boy is now going to be our country's leader.  I feel even worse for parents of girls, girls who looked up to Hillary (despite her many faults as a role model, mind you) and saw yet another case where a powerful woman lost out to a less-qualified buffoon of a man.  That has to be disheartening and very hard to explain.

Even worse, all of the hate that has been the hallmark of his campaign and inexplicably drew so many people to him (out of fear, I imagine) has now been legitimized.  With the current divisions within society, I only see this problem getting worse, not better.  I don't see us uniting as his "Make America Great Again" slogan would indicate.  I just see more divisions going up because that seemed to be his platform and so many people bought into it.  And sure enough, so many hate crimes have come to light in just the last day or so.  Rainbow flags getting burned here locally, an African-American doll in a noose in Buffalo, and countless other acts of racist graffiti around the country.  Somehow, Trump's win signaled to the crazies that it's okay to express their feelings, no matter how inappropriate or incorrect.  They're wrong, clearly, but this is what so many people have hated to see championed, and now it's happening.

And truly, I understand the unhappiness of the people who have been protesting in cities around the country, and the people who insist that Trump will never be "my President".  I feel pretty awful, too.  It all seems like a joke, or more likely a horrible nightmare, that our country is going to be run by a sketchy, arrogant businessman whose greatest recent claim to fame is a long-running reality show.  But the fact of the matter is that he IS going to be president and we need to find a way to make that work.  The protests and anger are only going to incite more unrest, and ultimately I think that gets in the way of us working together as a country, no matter who is running it.  Clearly we are nearly divided as a nation based on voting numbers, but this is our reality now and if we want this country to function, we need to find that common ground, unite on that, and move forward.  Many people have expressed a need for a "mourning period" before regrouping, and I think that's fair.  The America we woke up to on Wednesday was moving in a very different direction than what we expected it would be, and we need time to adjust. 

In the meantime, I explained to Jacob that the best we can do is pray.  If we're all so worried about this bad person taking over, we can pray that God protects our nation and gives him wisdom to govern properly.  We can be the examples of "Love Thy Neighbor" that Trump's policies may negate.  From our friends, family, and neighbors to local and national government, there are a lot of people that separate us from the office of the Presidency, and that's a lot of layers that Trump will have to dig through to touch our lives directly.  So ultimately, I will try not to worry about him.  I'm not thrilled about four years of watching his speeches and seeing him all over the news.  I was actually looking forward to him fading back into the background after this election was over, and now he will be more prominent than ever.  Who knows what will come out of his mouth during the next four years?  There could be a lot of explaining to do for parents like us, but I truly hope God gives him the wisdom, humility, and amazing advisors he needs to govern well.  I hope he can accomplish some good while he's there, even if some of it comes in the form of the rest of us reevaluating our own goodness and encouraging each other to be nice to compensate for his or others' shortcomings. 

This is certainly not how I pictured things, but God is bigger than this and there must be a purpose here somewhere.  Even if it's just to teach our kids how NOT to treat other people.  There is so much more I could think and say about this, but for now, just be nice.  Love one another, fight for justice, and show respect for authority figures, but don't be afraid to find better role models elsewhere if you need to.  Donald Trump is one man.  A very important one, no doubt, but we need to focus closer to home if we really want to make a difference, for now and for the future. 

God bless America.  We need Him now more than ever. #ImwithHIM

Mommy-Son Getaway, Day 1

A couple weeks ago I realized that my window to get out and do a fun weekend away was rapidly shrinking, as Craig's season starts very soon and that pretty much eliminates any chance I have of getting out of town without having to drag both kids with me.  It's one thing going to Buffalo, but it's another when I want to spend quality time with a friend.  My college roommate Mary is visiting this coming weekend, thanks to a concert, but a while back I had told my oldest friend Heather that we were long overdue for a weekend together.  Suddenly my window to fit that in was shrinking, so I did some checking and determined that this past weekend was our only shot.  Luckily she was available and I was able to take off on Friday to get a head start on the drive down to Binghamton, where she lives.  The only catch is that I had to take Carter with me, since Craig had one work-related thing planned and taking both of our kids to anything in public is pretty much non-advisable these days.  But I was happy to have my little buddy along for the ride, and I figured he'd be pretty good.  Three, of course, but pretty good.

I was a bit concerned about the drive, though, since he's used to the trip to Buffalo and this would be close to double that.  Without a built-in DVD player or his brother to distract him, I wasn't quite sure how he'd do.  So, I decided to build in a nice long stop on the way down and visit the Corning Museum of Glass.  Aside from a quick stop in their store five years ago, I haven't been there since Heather and I met for a day there (with Jacob in tow) seven years ago.  I just realized I didn't post pictures of the glass back then (just Jacob), so maybe I'll have to do a throwback post on that soon!  Anyway, they have a new wing now and I figured Carter would probably like looking at all of the colorful pieces.  We got on the road just about on schedule and had a lovely drive down into the Southern Tier.  Carter was pretty good on the way down, though he had a couple grumpy moments when I couldn't attend to his every need while driving.  But by the time we got there, he was excited to go in.

And of course, the first thing that greets you upon entering the lobby is this magnificent Chihuly...

We wandered through the history of glass section and Carter was fascinated by this giant orb that distorted everything when you looked through it.  I couldn't help but laugh when I caught this picture that reminded me of a "mad scientist"!

There was another spot in that area where we had to stand in one spot, then walk toward a mirror.  Our image went from being upside down, to walking through a hologram-type projection, to seeing ourselves right in the mirror in front of us.  I can't even really explain it, but it felt so odd to walk through some sort of three-dimensional projection.  Carter thought it was hilarious and wanted to do it over and over again.  I took our picture because it was fun, but even the video I took didn't do it justice.

Once we got into the exhibits, there was such a feast for the eyes. 

 

There was a special exhibit on these sea models.  They were scientific models, and the detail was amazing.

This bowl is from the B.C. era, and the detail and colors were gorgeous.

 

All of the gorgeous glass pumpkins were very festive, though given the price of the ones they were selling, I'll keep my pretty little $10 one I got at the Hilton Apple Fest.

These paperweights were stunning.  The designs within the spheres were so detailed and three dimensional.

This one is hard to see, but there were a couple of these Q*Bert-style figures in this blacklit, mirrored case with glass beads on the bottom.  The mirrors make them look like they go on forever.  It was so interesting.

Carter was obsessed with this ramp down to an exit door.  Luckily for me, it had a Chihuly guarding it. :)

This bowl was made up of tiny strings of glass.  It was pretty and really cool.

For some reason I just loved this mosaic.

More Chihulys...

This bowl was lit from the base.  It was striking.

The new wing is full of super contemporary large pieces.  This one was at least six feet in diameter, and the entire rope was made of tiny glass bead braids.

The wing was really white!  Here's Carter taking a quick snack break.  Out the window behind him was gorgeous orange-red foliage in the hills nearby.

And we tried for a selfie...pretty successful, I think!

This one was weird, but intriguing.  It was a broken chandelier with crows flocking around it.  It's supposed to be akin to roadkill, I guess.  The crows were a little cheap looking compared to the gorgeous chandelier, but it was interesting.  The broken glass was a little shocking, too.

I just liked the color here...

These are just hundreds of glasses on shelves, but I didn't realize what I was seeing until I looked at it through my camera.  Look, trees!

Up until this point Carter had been really great.  He got a little antsy before lunch, but he was fine until we got to this space and I could see that he was starting to reach his limit.  It wasn't anything major, just minor meltdowns over little things, but luckily the only thing left on our agenda was to watch a glassblowing demonstration.  I've seen it before, but it was awesome to see it again.

The glass making area

Standing at the furnace

They took a hunk of molten glass and made a gray and black vase that was about a foot tall.  Awesome.  Carter was content during the show but didn't seem as impressed as I thought.  It might have been hard for him to visualize what was happening because it was pretty miraculous.

After that we spent way too long in the store, between me looking for a little gift for Heather and Carter wanting something for himself.  Everything for the kids was either overpriced or not particularly useful.  In the end we found a tiny little prism scope (little plastic thing that makes everything look sort of pixelated, like a kaleidoscope without the colored beads) for $2, and that seemed to appease him.  I got Heather and I matching necklaces, and even found a Christmas gift!

We took one last picture on the way out, and we were back on the road.

All in all, it was a great stop.  I really enjoyed seeing all of the beautiful pieces and being in the presence of some Chihulys.  I think Carter liked it, but probably couldn't appreciate it quite like me!  As for the rest of the trip, the colors along the way were surprisingly pretty.  I thought everything might be well past peak, but there were still some beautiful areas.  These pictures don't really do it justice, but the hillsides were glowing in their own unique color palette.

Carter slept for most of this leg, but it was great to finally get to Binghamton and see Heather.  We had a nice evening catching up and getting settled, and Carter did pretty well.  It took a little while for him to fall asleep, but it really could have been so much worse.  We had another fun day ahead, so stay tuned...

Evolution

Three years ago, when we first went through all of this behavior stuff with Jacob, I cried a lot.  I was always just one thought or one conversation away from becoming a blubbering idiot.  I felt like an exposed nerve, where the slightest thing just set me off.  I was so overwhelmed, so upset with our current state of affairs, and I walked around for months in an emotion-fueled fog that made our lives seem like some sort of bizarre alternate reality.  It didn't seem possible that this was our life.  I was pretty much guaranteed to break down during Jacob's sessions with the behavioral therapist, as I talked about how our relationship was a shadow of its former self and how hard it was to watch him melt down and be unable to do anything about it.  The most random song could trigger a crying session during my commute, and I eventually started carrying makeup with me on days when I thought there was a greater risk of a breakdown.  It was exhausting and definitely one of the hardest phases of my life, if not the hardest.

Fast-forward three years, and I can't say that life has gotten any easier.  No, the meltdowns don't look like they once did, and [most of the time] it does not take an hour to get Jacob dressed.  But the daily onslaught of issues and concerns is still very intense and our daily lives feel anything but typical.  There's a lot of yelling--both at the kids and in general to be heard above the din--and a lot of mental notes as we file away the latest incident for our next therapy session or our own personal psychological analysis of our child.  It is still exhausting, maybe even more so because the troubles are almost constant when he's in a room, as opposed to the days of nearly-daily meltdowns interspersed with a heavy dose of general defiance.  If you were to graph the frustration and worry, I feel like it would look like this:

Notice that our baseline is higher than it used to be, as his frustration and dislike of his brother is an almost constant presence.  The stress of the meltdowns of the past was intense, surpassing our current baseline, but the current peaks concern me more--possibly because he's older and the quick fix quest or the "he'll grow out of it" hope isn't as hopeful anymore.  I see things that scare me as I worry about how more testosterone and the usual teenage drama will impact the things we're currently seeing.

Anyway, my point here is that it shocks me sometimes to realize how "normal" our current existence is.  We're at a more intense baseline right now, and yet I'm not in the same kind of raw-nerve fog I used to be.  The only times I cry tend to be after a particularly stressful encounter, when the reality of the depth of his issues (and my inability to manage them) hits me square in the face.  It's shocking what we've learned to live with, and I think my three-years-ago self would look at this and be both tormented and amazed.

And yet sometimes things come out of left field and catch me off-guard, like this morning.  We had an appointment to formally start discussing medication as an option.  It's clearly not something we've wanted to do, as it's been more than three years since we started this process and we haven't gone there yet.  The side effects can be scary, and without a formal diagnosis, we didn't quite know what route to take anyway.  You can't really medicate a kid for ADHD when there's no proof he has it, right?  And for a long time I really wasn't sure it applied anyway.  Yes, he had attention issues.  Yes, he had trouble sitting still.  Yes, it's clear he has a lot running through his brain at any given moment.  But lately it's becoming clear to me that he has too much excess energy, he has too many other things in his brain (and too many make it out of his mouth, as well), and it's starting to interfere significantly with school and home life.  His teacher has been vocal about her concerns, and some nights at home we're at a loss, too.  His lack of control is surprising.

Ultimately we just want him to live a successful, happy life.  We want him to do well in school and have the capability to get a job and have meaningful relationships.  If it takes medication to make that possible, then it's something we need to consider.  But there are many fears about side effects and effectiveness, and it's such a scary reality.  And I think that's why I started to tear up when the doctor asked me what we were hoping to get out of this.  I explained that we want to take the edge off so he can function at school and be a contributing member of our family.  We don't want to completely reprogram him, but we need help.  And for whatever reason, just putting that into words made me very emotional, and that emotion lasted most of the morning.  Why did it hit me right then?  I have no idea, but perhaps it has been such a long road that any sort of light at the end of the tunnel is overwhelming.  Or maybe rehashing all that we've been through is just too sobering a reality.  We're tired, we're sad, and we're at a point we never wanted to get to.  But here we are, and this may be our best option.

For now the doctor is going to talk more with Jacob's teacher and try to figure out how anxiety fits into this picture, as that is treated differently than ADHD.  We'll go back in a few weeks and reevaluate things, at which point we could be making some hard decisions.  We're still incredibly torn on this, but we can't deny that it's time to cross this bridge and see what the view looks like from there.  Even still, this morning's emotion caught me off guard after all we've been through, but I suppose it's also a reminder of how far I've come from those early days.  Parenting is not for sissies, but man, we could use a break.

Rethinking Halloween

So, somewhere in the middle of my kids ditching me during pumpkin carving and cutting out of trick-or-treating just a few houses in, I found myself wondering why we do this every year if they're just not that into it.  Why spend the money on costumes?  Why not be like the rest of our neighborhood and turn off the lights?  Why load up on candy we don't really want the kids to eat?  Why do we even bother?

Well, I guess part of it is that you can only be a kid once, and being ridiculous on Halloween is one of those rights of childhood.  Perhaps modern society has become a distraction, but I feel like it's my job to ensure my kids have every chance they get to experience it...even if they don't appreciate it right now.  I said on Facebook that I've decided that pumpkin carving is like other parts of parenting, such as offering new foods or early potty training.  You keep offering it up, no matter the rejection, in the hopes that at some point they will come around.  Apparently more than just pumpkin carving falls into this category come Halloween, as neither kid has ever been super gung-ho about anything related to the holiday, aside from candy.  And let's face it...I can buy a heck of a lot of candy for the amount we spend on costumes, with a ton less effort and angst.  But they really should earn that candy like kids have done for generations, right?

When I was a kid, I wouldn't say that Halloween was my favorite holiday by any stretch, but I do remember enjoying it a lot.  I remember actively participating in pumpkin carving from start to finish (or at least until we had a firm idea for the face, since I couldn't carve until I was older).  I think there was usually a certain amount of stress over my costume, but between my mom's handiwork and my grandma's craft stash, usually we came up with something awesome.  I know I was a mouse (made by my mom and worn by both of my kids), and by the time I was around school age, I had moved on to Strawberry Shortcake, an angel, a cowgirl, a gypsy, a "millionairess" (fancy fur and lots of jewelry and makeup), a bunny, and a witch.  I might be forgetting one.  But aside from a random accessory here and there, almost nothing was store-bought.  Despite the plethora of plastic smocks and masks around school, it never occurred to me how unique and fun it was, and how lucky I was, to be able to be outfitted like that.  It was fun to see it all come together every year.

We always had a classroom party full of sugar, and the little kids always paraded through the classrooms, which was a lot of fun for everyone.  By the end of the day, there was the rush to get home, trick-or-treat to family's houses, have an early dinner, and get ready again before our doorbell started ringing!  It's funny, I have this one random memory in my head from one specific Halloween, and I have no idea why it's there or why it's so vivid, but I remember going to McDonald's to grab our dinner.  I was probably around Jacob's age, and it was in the old McDonald's near my parents' house, one that was replaced a few years later with a new building a couple lots down.  I recall it being an early dinner, probably 4:30ish, which felt odd, but I remember being excited about getting McDonald's and excited about all the trick-or-treating later.  I think maybe it just stuck with me because I was so jacked up about all of the fun, out-of-the-ordinary stuff that day.  To this day I love days like that!

My mom usually took me around trick-or-treating, particularly once my brother was old enough to go with friends.  I didn't have good friends in the neighborhood, but I was content going with my mom.  One year I did go with my cousins that lived a couple streets over, and that was fun, too.  I even still remember one year in our old neighborhood, which means I was only six at most.  I don't remember too many awful weather years--just one miserable rainy one--but I'm sure I had to bundle up!  While I always cringed a bit about ringing random doorbells (still do!), the lure of candy was apparently enough to make me brave!  I remember doing a good portion of the surrounding streets every year, but I could be wrong.  But I know I always had plenty of candy and in those days most people only gave one piece, so I must have gone for a while.  I knew that when I quit, that was it for another year, so I think I did what I could to maximize my haul.  I loved spreading out the candy and seeing what I got, and I still remember that amazing smell that wafted out of my orange plastic pumpkin!  I'd ration my candy very carefully, and it usually lasted me weeks.  The rationing is why I usually never stole from Jacob's candy--he earned it and he was probably well aware of what he had left.  Carter honestly has too much right now, so I may sneak from his, though he'd probably willingly share it with me anyway.

Suffice it to say, I have memories, and I want my kids to have memories, too!  This holiday just doesn't seem to resonate with them, though.  Maybe store-bought costumes just don't elicit the same investment as one you have to create.  Maybe candy just isn't motivating enough to compensate for the effort to get it.  Maybe other holidays are just way more fun.  I know Jacob has a bit of a handicap with his gluten issues, as class parties and pumpkin patches aren't quite the same without the amazing donuts and other treats.  He has to dig through his candy haul to remove the Milky Ways, Nestle Crunches, Twizzlers, Whoppers, and anything involving pretzels (Why yes, I will eat that Take 5 bar right now...), which has to be a bit of a buzzkill.  I guess that could make it not quite the same.  We also live in a crappy neighborhood where half of the neighbors keep their lights off.  Our end of the street is mostly dark, so I think a lot of people skipped us entirely.  Apparently a couple neighborhoods over it's quite active, but ours just isn't.  You can't cover as much ground when you're walking past so many extra houses, so I suppose it loses its luster more quickly.  It was way more fun as a kid, looking around at dozens of other kids running around and "competing" for candy, whereas when there's just a handful, it actually feels a little awkward. 

The thing is, it's becoming very apparent to me that Jacob is slowly but surely aging out of this holiday anyway.  It's hard to believe considering it seems like yesterday that I was trying on hand-me-down costumes to pick his first one at four months old, but we're really only a few years away from when I stopped trick-or-treating.  And God knows I hate costumes for his age, as they're mostly creepy or disturbing.  I'd love for Jacob to put some of his creativity to work and think up something more interesting than a chintzy grim reaper or a fake-looking zombie.  If I'm going to spend $30 on a costume, I'd rather have him put some brainpower into it.  There is so much more satisfaction in that.  But for the amount of time my kids use their costumes, I'd be so much happier if I could think of creative homemade ones that cost significantly less and have a use afterward.  An hour at school and an hour at trick-or-treating just isn't enough to make it worthwhile.  I honestly wish we had some sort of trunk-or-treat event at church.  This year they did have some sort of fall fun night, but I think I'd prefer to get the candy thing taken care of there.  Same concept, just more people we'd know and trust, you know? 

Who knows, maybe one of these years the kids will get inspired and this will become their favorite holiday.  Or maybe not.  But I guess I will keep offering it up in the hopes something sticks.  But like I said, this year it became even more apparent to me how much older Jacob is getting and how soon all of these Halloween traditions won't be necessary anymore.  So I guess for now I will just suck it up, buy the costumes, carve the pumpkins, do our best in our neighborhood (or find a better one), and try to enjoy it myself while it lasts. 

Halloween Happenings

Another Halloween is in the books.  This year we actually got the costumes out of the way relatively early for the kids.  Carter and I got his in Target at least a couple weeks ago after he'd stuck to the same character for a couple months, and after much back and forth with Jacob, I happened to see a costume in two different stores that I thought might work for him, and sure enough, he liked it.  Cue a perfectly timed 25% off coupon from the Halloween store right when we were ready to buy, and we were done.  Despite getting that out of the way pretty well ahead of time, everything else ended up pretty last minute.  I didn't end up doing a costume this year (orange sequined cami and pumpkin earrings were as good as it got), and Craig grabbed an old store-bought costume from storage yesterday morning.  I sent some donuts with Jacob for his school party, and never ended up making anything to share at work because no one planned anything.  Even still, the day before I busied myself by making apple chips and corn chowder, so it felt a little like most Halloweens when I scramble to make something!

Sunday afternoon we also went to get our pumpkins.  Nothing like the last minute, eh?  We didn't get them at the pumpkin patch when we went because it was busy and we were in a bit of a rush.  But I always know that a place near us is essentially an indoor pumpkin patch and works well on those cold, rainy weekend days.  Jacob had practice that afternoon so he and Craig just came for a bit to put in input on a pumpkin shape and, apparently, take a picture like this.

Carter pretty quickly picked out his pumpkin, and I love the look he has on his face here.  He wasn't being grumpy, I promise, but the look cracks me up!

See, happy face two seconds later!

He also wanted to do lots of the face cutouts...

Jacob (and his slushie) got in on the action, too...

After that, Craig and Jacob left, and Carter and I stuck around to do a few more things and make our pumpkin (and apple) purchases.  Isn't he the cutest Frankenstein ever?

I let Carter pick two rides to go on, knowing how much he loves them...

The gun was just f or looks, and the ride itself controlled any raising or lowering...but he loved it anyway.

This train was pretty funny, as it was safari-themed.  Notice the white monkey on the back.  The whole train had fiberglass animals all over it, and the buttons in front of the kids played animal noises!  He really seemed to enjoy it.

Usually I take one or two artsy shots here, but since the vast floor of pumpkins was pretty depleted this year, I just ended up with this one, because I was obsessed with these white and orange pumpkins!

Carter was cute as we walked around, getting himself "stuck" among the pumpkins and trying to find his way out.  Silly boy.

He was trying to lift them, too, of course...

We picked out a couple pumpkins and among my other kitchen exploits on Sunday I managed to dig out all of the seeds and get the little one carved.  Jacob did scoop out part of the smaller one, but he tired of that pretty quickly.  Carter wanted a scary face in his pumpkin and that was easy enough to figure out.  But Jacob said he wanted a "KISS" pumpkin (as in, the band) so he wanted a star over one eye like one of the band members.  He wasn't picky beyond that, but I could not think up a face that looked like anything but a bunch of random shapes, so the big one didn't get carved until I got home on Monday.  By then I had decided to do a classic pumpkin face (triangles and a happy mouth with teeth) and just replace one eye with a star. 

I should back up to Friday afternoon.  Craig ended up taking the Knighthawks mascot to Jacob's school (lucky kid, huh?), which was quite a turn of events in comparison to the canceled Halloween at his school last year.  They didn't have anything but "fall fun" events last year, so as not to exclude those who did not celebrate, which was a major bummer.  This year he's moved up to the grades 3-5 school and all was well, though I can't help but wonder if his old school did anything this year and what will happen when the driving force moves up to third grade.  I decided at the last minute to pick up Carter at daycare around 2:30 to bring him back to my office for trick-or-treating.  We did that last year and it was fun, and since I wasn't that busy, I decided we could do it again.  We wandered through the building with other co-workers' kids, and Carter got a pretty significant haul.  He wouldn't have even needed to go out at night and he'd still be eating candy for months.

But, given the fact we spend money on these costumes, I prefer they use them as much as possible, so trick-or-treating it was.  Sort of.  But first, pictures...

My little Spider-man

Jacob ended up being a zombie football player, which I think suited him well.  The helmet was weird and ill-fitting, but it had brains sticking out of the one side.  The version of the costume from Target had no helmet but did have a football protruding from the chest. 

I took the kids out and we started across the street.  Jacob insisted he was only going to do one (!) house and that was it.  And sure enough, he did it and went home, despite my encouraging him to stay.  Carter only made it through about five more houses before he was done and started to get shy and threenager-ish at the door, so we went home.  I don't know what his issue was, though it could have been the cold, or his difficulties with the bag he insisted on using (with gloves on, it was extra hard to hold it properly), or just that it had already been a long day and he had tons of treats at home he'd rather be eating.  When we got home, Jacob and Craig went back out and sped through our entire street pretty quickly.  Back at home we barely had any trick-or-treaters, which means we have a ton of candy left over.  Our neighborhood is getting to be more of a bummer every year.  I'll write more about that soon, with my general thoughts on Halloween in our family.  But long story short, I was glad Jacob reconsidered, though I was annoyed he wouldn't go with his brother, and when I added in Carter's quick exit, I found myself questioning why we bother buying costumes or candy at all.

But when I asked them this morning, it appears both of the kids had fun, and I guess that's all that matters.

Good News, Bad News

When Carter was first born, Jacob pretty much ignored him completely.  He wanted nothing to do with him, and the couple pictures we have of him holding Carter were very forced and done under protest.  He kept his distance and eventually started acting out badly.  As much as I didn't want to blame it on Carter's arrival as the timing didn't really line up--some of the behavior started before Carter was born, and the worst of it happened many months later--three years later I can see how it probably was the main driver behind much of what happened.   If I could go back in time and redo a few things, you can certainly bet I would.

The good news about the ignoring meant that we didn't have a lot of direct confrontation.  We didn't have the older sibling hitting the baby with toys or trying to hug too violently.  But the bad news is that we often have had parallel existences, where I am with Carter and Craig is with Jacob (or, rarely, vice versa), and we never got to enjoy that sibling love thing that I expected would make me melt.  By the time Carter was mobile (meaning he was a threat to Jacob's toys), the ignoring turned into keeping his distance but expressing a general disdain.  After a year or so of that, we started to get into the confrontation phase, which is where we remained up until recently.  That phase featured bolder rejection and lots of arguing all around.  Jacob became unafraid to express his dislike for his brother, and as he became less afraid to get near him, he started getting a bit physical if given the chance.  Luckily we have been able to minimize the damage and keep them mostly separated, but pretty much every moment they were in proximity to each other was miserable for all of us.

And then, within the last few months, Jacob has begun to make an effort to play with Carter.  He'll invite him to play sports or, more recently, Hot Wheels Football.  He'll engage him at the dinner table, which often leads to loud, potty-talk filled ridiculousness.  They know how to ramp each other up, and I'll be the first to admit it can be mentally exhausting.  Rest assured we still have many moments that hearken back to the confrontation phase, many that directly result from Jacob's efforts to play, but at least he's trying.  That is a HUGE step.

Looking back on the ignoring phase, as disappointing as it was, there are moments where it seems so much easier than what we're dealing with now.  We could divide and conquer, and for the most part the only loud times were when Jacob had a meltdown.  It was misery when that happened, but at least we knew our roles and could soldier on through.  But as the boys have started to spend time together, parenting has gotten ten times harder because I feel like a full-time referee.  I feel like I yell constantly--and half the time it's because they're so loud that they wouldn't hear me otherwise.  Here are the top three downsides of this newly discovered sibling togetherness:

1) They can gang up on us - Before it was one-on-one, one kid vs. one parent, and most of the time that was manageable.  But now they can join forces to make our lives that much more challenging.  Whether it's chasing each other around a store, or convincing their sibling to take their side in a parental stand-off (which in their minds means they win 2-1, assuming one of us is alone), or having twice the manpower to destroy the house, they've discovered they can have a partner in crime to give them better odds against the parents.

2) Exposure to "older" issues - When Jacob was growing up, his only set of bad influences came from daycare.  He'd see challenging kids hitting or talking back, and that was his main source of learning those behaviors.  I suppose he saw it in his older cousins once in a while, but their parents are pretty strict so most of the time that stuff got nipped in the bud pretty quickly--either by their parents or by us as we witnessed it happen and could address it immediately.  But for Carter, he has a built-in big kid to learn beyond-his-age behaviors from.  He can see Jacob try to get physical, or talk back, or do things that aren't necessarily appropriate for a three-year-old (or an eight-year-old, but...).  And because Jacob is his brother and they have the same set of parents, it's obvious that Carter sometimes thinks the rules are the same for him.  Ironically, Jacob thinks Carter gets away with everything, but I'd guess Carter things that Jacob does, too.  So, we spend a lot of time in our house trying to help Carter understand that Jacob's behavior is not something he should be emulating.  Despite our best efforts, Carter is a hitter--both at daycare and at home--when he gets angry.  I have no doubt it's at least partly from watching Jacob, who sometimes attempts to get physical with us, and often gets in a parting shot on Carter when something doesn't go his way.  We've also caught Jacob trying to get Carter to say bad words or questionable phrases.  Potty talk runs rampant in our house despite our best efforts, because both of them crack each other up with it, and in their minds, that reward usually outweighs the punishment.  So keeping Carter sweet and acting his age feels nearly impossible right now. 

3) Germ sharing - It seemed like it was rare for us to end up with a string of sickness in our house during the ignoring phase, as Jacob and Carter never got near each other and wouldn't touch each others' stuff.  Now that they're interacting all the time, I'm just waiting for the illnesses to pass back and forth.  We actually got lucky last year, I think, because we had a pretty uneventful winter, illness-wise.  I think Carter ended up with strep once, and that was about the worst of it.  Of course, we had to deal with Jacob's surgery so I think we paid our dues, but they're even more interactive this year so I'm bracing myself.  Both kids had colds this week, but Carter's seemed much worse so I can't tell if it was a shared one.  It'll happen soon enough, though.

Despite all of this, I know there are upsides to this path we're on. If we can weather the current storm, there could be a great long-term result.  In the short term, we can hope that they learn to play nicely together just to give us a break.  One of the things I remember hearing about having a second kid is that they can play together and keep each other occupied.  That has pretty much never happened in our house, and when it has lately it doesn't last long because someone gets hurt or angry pretty quickly.  But if they can ever get to a point where they can play sports, Legos, or Playmobil together without arguing, Craig and I might find ourselves with hours of extra time.  We can only dream.

I truly hope that through these experiences, if Jacob can get to a place where he can deal with Carter's style of play, that he'll realize Carter is worth keeping around.  We used to hear on a daily basis from Jacob how the only way to make him happy and cooperative was to get rid of Carter.  And every time we'd tell him that's not an option.  Lately I feel like I only hear it once a week or so when Jacob gets mad and goes to extremes to make his point.  He has to blame someone, after all, and there are only three other people in the house.  But if all of this is helping him to realize there's a light at the end of the tunnel and "big kid" Carter might turn out to be fun, that would probably be hugely helpful to regain some sort of household harmony.  And of course, if we can get them to that point, that could be just what they need to set the stage for their future relationship as they grow into adults.  I want them to have a good brotherly relationship someday, since they're all each other has once we're gone.  I see how Craig and his brother are together, and I want our boys to have that unbreakable bond, too.  For the record, my brother and I have almost never had much in common, and while we certainly get along fine as adults, we're not exactly great communicators on a regular basis.  But I feel like we had a challenging age/gender combo, and while Jacob and Carter do have a large age gap, the gender bond seems like someday it should beat all of that out.  So that's why I'm using Craig and his brother as my example.

Anyway, it makes me hopeful that we've seen some progress from Jacob on this front, but we still have a long way to go.  It's still very hard to do anything together as a family without risking some sort of argument or minor physical altercation, but hopefully Jacob will gain more patience and start to understand the importance of having a brother and living as a happy family.  It's not something we can force on him--he has to want it and want to make an effort.  We will always do what we can to help him get there, but it's really up to him.  So, in the meantime, we wait.  We try to do fun family things, we try to facilitate playtime, and we try to remind both kids how much they're loved.  Hopefully someday it all pays off.

Week in Review

Fall is in full swing now, and we're even getting a peek of winter now, despite there still being a pair of Carter's shorts in last week's laundry.  This morning there was some sort of partially frozen precipitation falling, and they're forecasting a bit of wet snow overnight tonight.  It was only in the low 40s today, which is an extra big shock to the system when we had 70s last week!  But the colors have been lovely, though I think the first round of gorgeous color has subsided a bit and we're back in a phase of mostly yellows and greens until the late-changers start up.  But I did capture this shot outside my office last week...

Saturday was Jacob's first travel lacrosse tournament.  Luckily, it was local.  The bad news is that our weather was miserable.  It had been raining for two days straight prior to the tournament, but I suppose our ongoing drought helped it not be a mud pit at the fields.  It had stopped raining by Saturday morning, but it was only in the 40s with thick clouds and 20 mph winds.  After a busy morning preparing for the second half of our day and figuring out how to bundle up, Carter and I arrived a bit late, had trouble parking, and only saw the end of the first game.  Jacob looked a little less than lively, and when the game was over and he came off the field, we found out why--he was freezing.  Despite having some extra layers, he was still too cold.  He was in tears, shivering, and unwilling to play game two.  It took half of the game and a hat under his helmet, but he finally went back out on the field. 

I'll admit--it was really cold even with a lot of layers.  Carter had his entire body--head included--under a blanket for most of the time we were there.  After game two there was an hour break, but at that point Carter and I left because we were heading to Buffalo for my family's Oktoberfest.  Luckily, Jacob and Craig were able to warm up inside the van for a while, and Jacob added a hoodie under his equipment for the last game, which made a big difference for him as he was right in the action for the last game.  No points, but a nice comeback for him personally after a rough start to the day. 

Despite the cold, Carter and I had a fun time at the Oktoberfest.  My aunt and uncle have a huge yard, and since Carter loves to run, it was a great fit.  There was also a koi pond that he liked visiting, but of course I needed to keep a close eye on him there.  He liked riding on a swing, too.  I love his shrieks and giggles as he swings!  After warming up by a couple fire pits into the evening, we headed back to my parents' house for the night.  After church, lunch, and some playtime on Sunday (while being tortured by the Bills), we headed home. 

While we were gone, Jacob created a new game that he has been obsessed with getting our family to play this week.  It's called Hot Wheels Football, and he made it his mission on Monday to get everything ready for an epic battle that night.   

The "commissioner" and his setup

He set up a doormat made from a piece of the Bills' old turf as the field, and used pieces from various other toys to round out his stadium.  The main stands are from his Playmobil soccer stadium, the yellow stands are from his Club Penguin air hockey rink, the goal post is from a fast food kids' meal toy (I think), and he used a toy storage bucket and a Hot Wheels launcher to create a scoreboard stand that utilized Craig's phone as a timepiece.  He also set up the Little People parking ramp with signs like this one...

And he made banners for the sides of the scoreboard support...

This one features Jim Kelly...

This one has Bruce Smith.  Jacob asked me for another prominent Bill, and that's who I told him.  He remembered the number incorrectly when he made the banner, but he fixed it :)

Here he is with the full setup...notice the stands are full of other cars and he has banners on the field.

The game is sort of like demolition derby with Hot Wheels cars, as two players race three cars each across the field.  One has a little ball and is trying to get to the opposite end zone, and the other ones are trying to block them.  There's definitely a fumbling problem as Hot Wheels truck beds are not deep enough, which leads to some questionable rules that strangely seem to skew toward Jacob.  But he's been so passionate about it, even creating some new banners and a field "tarp" again last night.  He was initially actively trying to involve Carter in this, but it's probably a bit tough for him to follow.  And then last night Carter came home from daycare with a fever and a nasty cold, so Craig and I have both stepped in to play.  It's not always easy to play with Jacob because he's a bit hardcore about things, but we're really trying to honor his passion, as it's fun to watch him take an idea and run with it.  He's been so proud of this.

He actually took down most of his setup tonight to play other sports stuff with Carter, so his effort to play with Carter continues.  I'll write more about the good and the bad of this shift soon.  But for now, I assume we haven't seen the last of Hot Wheels Football just yet...