Stoked to Make it to Stokoe

This past weekend started out with a bit of a rough patch, with Craig having severe stomach and back pains late in the week (seems to have just been a 48-hour thing), rainy weather looking to spoil anything fun, and the news that Craig had been exposed yet again to COVID courtesy of a co-worker (this is case #3 for those keeping track, two of which he had direct exposure to).  Of course, legally he can't be told who it was, so it's hard for him to know just how much exposure he had and how big the risk is.  We're hoping he can figure it out this week, but he did test negative in a home rapid test on Sunday, so hopefully he'll be OK.  It's just one more thing we didn't need after all the sickness the previous week.

Because of the rain, our only plans for the weekend were some training for Jacob on Saturday morning, Carter's last soccer game Saturday afternoon, and going to our favorite gluten-free place to pick up October-only donuts for Jacob (plus pizza for dinner).  The rain was so bad overnight Friday and into Saturday that Carter's game got canceled, which surprised me because he played in the midst of similar rain over the summer, but maybe they figured the fall season just wasn't worth it.  That was actually a bit of a bummer with it being his last game.  I didn't really want to sit in the rain (though it did lighten up a bit when the game would have actually happened), but getting that year-end closure and proper good-bye is always nice.

We had come to the realization in the past week or so that it might be impossible to get to our favorite pumpkin patch this year.  The first weekend of October, Jacob had a tournament and Carter had soccer on Saturday, then Sunday was rainy.  Last weekend the illnesses pretty much ruled it out (as if soccer and the baptism weren't enough), and this weekend soccer and rain were getting in the way.  Next weekend is an out-of-town tournament, and the weekend after Craig will be working.  It seemed like it wouldn't work, so to be safe, on our way to dinner Saturday we stopped at a local farm stand and picked out some pumpkins.  We picked a medium-sized orange one to carve, a cool white one with green and orange-red veining that lays perfectly on its side, and a small green gourd with a cool shape.  They will all live on our porch for now.  While I was deciding, Craig decided it was a good photo op.

If you look close at this picture, you'll see Carter's fangs!  His lateral incisors came in funky and are slowly migrating down, but in the meantime he takes delight in showing off his fangs!  We have an old kids' meal toy of Dennis, the kid from Hotel Transylvania 2, wearing vampire gear, and when you pull his arm his fangs come out.  Carter noticed the resemblance the other day and held it up while showing his off!  That kid has a funky sense of humor!

Jacob wouldn't join us and smile, so here we are!

If you look to the far right, almost at the middle of the picture, you can see a pumpkin like the white/multicolored one we got.  They had some fun ones!

We very much enjoyed our dinner of pizza, a panini for Craig, and gluten-free donuts and cookies, although we've decided we should always just order the sheet pizza instead, particularly during donut season since they both need a day's advance ordering.  It's all just too good and one pizza is barely enough!

Sunday morning was Bible Sunday at church.  While Bible Sunday came with some fanfare when Jacob got his as part of his Sunday School class years ago, it's now a super interactive family experience.  We all came in for a 20 minute presentation, and then went to our own family tables where the elders handed out the Bibles.  The parents had to walk the kids through some notable elements of these Bibles (they have some really helpful book introductions and colored sections to group the books into themes) and then help them find family-favorite verses to highlight or bookmark.  I brought the Bible I got for Confirmation, which I also used for all of my college Bible studies, retreats, and Sundays at church, so it's full of underlines, highlights, and notes (not to mention devotional pages, bookmarks, family funeral pressed flowers, and other random memories).  I don't have high hopes that he will read it on his own often, but it was nice to give him a little head start.

I realized on Saturday that it looked like there might be a pleasant break from the rain on Sunday afternoon.  It would still be cool (mid-50s at best) and a bit blustery, and the ground could be pretty muddy after multiple inches of rain (if my flower pots were any indication), but it might be our only shot to get to Stokoe Farms, our favorite pumpkin patch.  I always choke a bit when buying the tickets because they're not cheap, but I guess as long as the kids keep asking, we'll keep going.  Jacob won't want to be seen in public with us soon, so I'm trying to savor what I can.  I recalled that last year he seemed to be losing interest a bit, but maybe it was just a bad day because he seemed eager again this year.  Sometimes I'm convinced that if it involves us spending money, the kids are always disproportionately interested regardless of what it is (sigh), but it's tradition and that seems to mean a lot to them--particularly Jacob.  So when the forecast seemed to hold, off we went!

At least the boys were eager to do some photo ops!

I've taken who knows how many of these selfies on the hayride/wagon ride, so of course we needed another!

Had to grab a family photo op that would fit all three guys, right before venturing into the corn maze.

We apparently really suck at corn mazes.  For the second year in a row, we followed the instructions (follow the left hedge) and still ended up popping out at the same "escape" exit rather than the actual one.  I don't know what our problem is!

As usual, the boys spent a bunch of time playing at the sports activity, although they oddly spent significantly more time throwing footballs than basketballs.  Even Carter held his own!

Jacob's throws were so hard that when they hit the backdrop, they would rebound directly back out and nearly hit us!  Kid's got an arm!  Craig was quietly bemoaning not keeping him in baseball, because he's pretty sure he could have been a good pitcher.

This game of tetherball looks pretty innocent, but a) Craig dominated in his quest to wrap it around completely; and b) as we were wrapping up, Jacob went to grab the rope as Carter was apparently still hitting it (even though we were done), and because it moved, Jacob slammed his hand up against the metal pole.  Given how cold it was, it really hurt and he was pretty grumpy for a bit.  I figured that would derail the whole day, but once he warmed up a bit, he was right back into it.

Wouldn't be a visit without shooting produce at targets.  We slingshotted giant apples (apparently they were out of small pumpkins), and then shot smaller ones.  If you zoom in on this picture, you can see Carter's apple mid-shot, just a little above the end of the gun!

We somehow missed the camels, but did catch a glimpse of this giant kangaroo, who was part of a hands-on (extra charge) experience featuring a baby kangaroo and a couple other animals.  This guy was sleeping like this apparently, because he definitely seemed to be dreaming.  But how he was lounged out like that cracked us up!

We had fun as usual on the zipline and the Billy Goat Mountain slides.  Our family races on the zipline and racing slides are quite competitive, and the tube slide is always good for a thrill.  

As we walked back to the front of the farm, Carter remembered this tree house with a slide.  I went down it too, and it was pretty fast!

We all did rides on the big slides out front next to the hay bale mountain, and I have to admit, the view from up top was gorgeous, even without the fall colors!

Jacob insisted we take a picture on the hay bales, which I have often tried to do, and actually it did make our Christmas card last year, as I recall.  So we did it again!

Carter had initially passed on jumping on the giant pillow, but Jacob convinced him.  It didn't last long, mind you, between Jacob inexplicably knocking him over and both kids having trouble staying on their feet.  But Carter seemed to be having fun for a bit!

The boys ran off to fake-milk a cow, and had no interest in seeing the farm animals with me.  But the sheep and tiny goat were cute...

And another tiny goat!

The cow was very sweet and surprisingly soft to pet.

I love the emus, John and Deere.  They're always so oddly photogenic.  Such intense stares!

After getting some apple cider slushies, we wrapped things up and headed to the store for a quick look around.  There happened to be this armadillo on display.  I'm not sure I've ever seen one in person and I found it quite interesting to watch, from his little "helmet" to the way he wiggled around.

And with that, kettle corn in hand, we were off.  I guess I feel lucky we got at least one more full family trip in before the teenage moodiness creeps in.  Jacob's an odd kid sometimes so maybe this will be one of the few things that survives, but I doubt it--it gets everyone eventually, I think!  At least Carter still has a few fun years left in him!  But it's always stressful to worry about getting there among all the busyness and cruddy weather that October can bring, so I'm thankful that's in the books for another year.

As a side note, while we were waiting in line for the zip line, Carter asked me how long we've been going to Stokoe.  I smiled as I remembered our first trip, way back in 2007.  Craig and I had free passes from him having the Farm's reindeer (with a baby!) out to a Rochester Rattlers "Christmas in July" game that summer.  We had no idea something like this existed, at least not to this degree--I guess we didn't have many friends with kids at the time and we weren't on social media back then.  We had a blast, even as two adults without kids.  

Gosh, we were just a couple kids.  We didn't know at the time, but I was newly pregnant with Jacob.  Our best guess is that it happened sometime the previous weekend, as the prior Friday I had a negative test and started some medication early the next week.  The period that was supposed to come after the medicine never came, but I didn't figure out why for a few more weeks after the Stokoe trip.  I always look back at this set of pictures--the last set of us together before we knew--in awe that so much was happening and we had no idea!  How times have changed!  Now we have two big kids and are only a few years away from winding down this entire pumpkin patch stage of our lives...at least until grandkids, I guess!  

It's been a pretty great run, though--we've only missed two years since we made it a point to start going when Jacob was two, and those two years we did check out different options so we weren't pumpkin-less.  I know weather and schedules were a factor back then, too, but I can't help but wonder if we didn't exactly make it a priority those two years, which happened to fall around the time when Jacob's behavior troubles were really starting to ramp up.  Maybe the massiveness of Stokoe felt like a bit much, not to mention the risky financial investment with such an unpredictable kid.  Free stuff probably just seemed easier.  But Stokoe will always be special--and looking back through our pictures just now was pretty amazing.  I do appreciate the handful of other places we've checked out, too--even if none compare in the kids' minds.  

It always might seem like just a few hours on a fall day where we spend too much money and wrangle kid attitudes, but it turns out those afternoons are what family memories are made of all these years later.  And I think that's why the kids insist on going--Stokoe is fall to them.  So, it'll keep happening until they prefer it doesn't.  And thankfully, this was not the year!

New Normal (Whatever that means...?)

So...week one of the "new normal" is in the books, and while it probably went a little better than expected, I suppose I feel anything but settled.  This past week I was only in person two days, and this coming week will be three days.  I'll alternate that way at least through the end of December.  I honestly can't say at this point which will be better--some days being home is hard, and being in the office with only a fraction of the people is hard.  It's so strange how two very different routines have now intersected and made things all sorts of unsettled again--not bad, just unsettled.  I feel like I'm very much back to the one-day-at-a-time mantra--I mean, it's really always felt that way, but this week it's definitely felt like one day is all I can take on in the moment simply because what day it is changes my entire routine!

In case you didn't assume, Jacob's COVID test ended up negative, so at least we were able to feel a little more settled by Sunday and Monday, even if the kids were still a little sneezy.  We still didn't do much, mind you.  Well, I take that back--I did go to Buffalo on Sunday for my cousin's baby's baptism, and then I basically cleaned my entire house between Sunday night and Monday afternoon because my mom mentioned on Sunday that she and my aunt (the one we visited in North Carolina three years ago who's been visiting this week) might stop in on their way back from a craft show down near Letchworth, since my aunt had never been to our house (her last Rochester visit was when we were still at the old one).  They said not to worry about cleaning, but the house needed it.  Badly.  Let's just say that keeping it company-ready hasn't been a priority during the entire pandemic, and things really got hard over the summer with the kids home and pandemic fatigue hitting a new, oddly exhausting plateau.  I guess it was good to have an excuse, and with a long weekend, I actually had the time.  We'll see how long it lasts.  It was good timing since the cable guy had to come on Thursday, so we got a two-for-one on outside guests!  But it was nice visiting with them on Monday and having another chance to see my aunt.

On Monday night, it was just Carter and me, and since the weather was gorgeous (it's been amazing all month and came to a crashing halt this weekend), I figured we'd do what we do best--hit up a playground.  However, instead of it being a payoff for dragging him on errands, I wanted to first take a walk along the canal to see how the colors looked.  Then we could go to the playground in Greece Canal Park.  We hadn't been there in a while so it was probably practically like a new one to him!

Color change around here has been slow and spotty so far.  It's been strangely warm almost all month--shorts weather for the kids, even--so the leaves haven't done much.  There are some diseased trees, like a lot of red maples, that just turned brown and dropped, and the trees with the tiny leaves that turn yellow early are rapidly changing, but everywhere else you look is mostly green still.  But when I drove over the canal last weekend, it did look like there was some color change there so I was curious what it would look like closer to home.  

I feel like this tree near the parking area was pretty representative of fall so far.

As we walked to the path, I noticed some deer in the distance.  They were still there when we came back, so it must have been good eatin' in that area.

On the path, there was quite a bit of color change, but it seemed most of it was on all of the invasive vines that hang on most of the trees.  I think most of it is the same kind of pesky grapevines I get in my yard.  But I have to admit, they were pretty.

Some trees did have a little color, but the vines were adding a lot of the reds. 

It was a super pleasant night--still relatively warm with the makings of a pretty sunset.

It was a quiet night on the canal--not a boat to be found.  The water was completely calm aside from the bugs landing on the surface.  We did see a school of little silver fish, though.

So many red vines!

There's been a lot of talk (and some action) in recent years about clearing out foliage along the canal, and while I'm sure some cleanup should be done, it would be such a shame if they did the clear-cutting they originally started doing further up the canal.  It's so natural and pretty in all seasons, but especially now, and wouldn't be the same with all these trees gone. 

I thought the water reflection here looked like a painting.  So peaceful and pretty.

 

After a half hour or so, it was starting to get darker so I figured we should squeeze in our playground time before it got too dark.  It stinks how dark it gets so early now, with the sun setting before 6:30pm.  And I know it's only the beginning.  The time change is in three weeks.

Carter enjoyed exploring the playground.  I couldn't help but laugh at how bright his orange shorts were in this picture! 

A few minutes after we got there, suddenly the sky turned pink in every direction.

The moon came out, too!

Then the western sky turned very orange.  It was beautiful!

I tried to keep up chasing Carter around the playground, but kept taking breaks (especially up high) to take pictures.  It was so gorgeous!

Eventually it settled back into these pinks and purples, and got rapidly darker from there.

We played for a bit, although one big chase left me pretty winded and things went a bit downhill from there.  Somehow it's very hard to catch Carter on the playground, but when it's his turn to catch me I feel like he's always right on my tail!

A standoff with him on top of the mountain!

We probably didn't get as much time as he would have liked because of how quickly it got dark, but knowing there's plenty of wildlife in the woods (including coyotes) and there was definitely motion out in the trees nearby, I wasn't sure how long we should stick around once it got significantly darker.  But it was a nice evening and I was glad we got out for a bit since last weekend was lacking any photogenic opportunities and I was missing them!

Tuesday began my official "new normal" hybrid work schedule.  Even though Tuesday will normally be a home day for me, I went in because I didn't want to wait until Friday to do a full run-through and get my work station set up.  I feel like the anxiety would have driven me nuts, so I had to rip off the band-aid right away.  Normally I will be in the office on Mondays and Fridays, plus every other Wednesday.  Our entire team was supposed to be in every Wednesday, but because everyone in our suite opted for Wednesday, they decided to alternate departments for spacing.  It makes my weeks a little weirder, for sure--because on two-day weeks I'm in and out every other day, and on three-day weeks, I have a full three-day stretch at home bookended by office days.  Part of me wishes I had done a Monday-Tuesday or Thursday-Friday so I'd have a little less back and forth and what seems like a longer weekend at home, but right now the days I'm home are better for our therapy schedule and it ensures I'll see my boss in person at least once a week.  I feel like it's going to take a few weeks to get a handle on what I actually end up preferring, both in the home vs. office debate and the schedule itself.  Will everything feel too disjointed going every other day?  Would it be easier to just leave my computer for two or three days and then bring it home for a few?  Or will the change of scenery be helpful and break up the week better?  I seriously have no idea.

It's so odd to me that 19 years of a working routine were so completely upended by 19 months of something different.  We've all been marveling at how discombobulated we are coming into the office.  One person forgot to pack a lunch.  One forgot a computer.  We're all just thrown off by the commute and the entire process, despite having done it so naturally less than two years ago, and hardly being able to imagine being functional for even two weeks at home when this all began.  All this time I fully expected I'd want to hug everyone I saw as we got back, but everything's been pretty chill just trying to settle back in.  It definitely doesn't feel like a full nineteen months away, that's for sure.

Our team made it about 17 months still intact, and then two team members left at the end of the summer.  Now one more is retiring in two weeks.  It was already weird enough having our team be smaller, and now only a few people are in on any given day, which is even weirder.  I can't help but wonder how many more changes we'll see as people settle back into this new normal and realize it's not working for them anymore.  I think my boss would retire in a heartbeat if she could afford it because working in the office with COVID makes her nervous and she's just happier at home.  Everyone has different emotions about this whole thing, most of which are quite mixed, and it's been interesting seeing even the most poised folks admitting this has thrown them off.

As I said, I'm still not sure where my feelings lie.  I have enjoyed dressing up a bit again (even though I don't have to) because a t-shirt and jeans gets boring after a while.  I haven't minded my commute, since I discovered during the pandemic that I appreciated it as a buffer and a time to unwind before getting home and starting the dinner rush.  It's also not as prone to traffic with so many people still working from home.  I like seeing people again, and that was reinforced when I was able to help a colleague in person with a mail merge issue on Friday.  I also like having a bit more of a routine because it makes me feel a little more accomplished first thing in the morning.  

On the other hand, Sunday night feels more intimidating again, knowing that I have to actually get up early and get out of the house on time.  That morning at home buffer is gone.  Trying to prepare myself for at-work lunches and making sure I have everything I need on any given day is going to be challenging, especially since Mondays my computer will be in the office already, and other days I'll have to remember to bring it.  It's just the whole feeling of having to be "on" right off the bat after a weekend, not just for the kids, but for me as well, and that hasn't really been the case in a year and a half.  

Even still, it's just one day, and then I can regroup back at home for a day or three.  And in a week it's only two or three work lunches, work outfits, or commutes to manage.  On my home days I can still do my laundry during the day, catch up on TV, and cook more complex lunches.  It may not be every day anymore, but on those other days I get to see people, get a change of scenery, and dress like an adult again.  Maybe we'll even get the added benefit of random free food or office events once in a while, too.  I truly like both in their own ways--but it just depends on the day to see whether the day and my mood match up.

I realized that under no circumstances can all of the good stuff co-exist every single day, so maybe moderate doses of all of them will be the next best thing.  I am really hopeful this will be the work-life balance I never knew I needed.  Well, I knew I needed better work-life balance pre-pandemic, I just didn't know that handling it this way might be possible.  Balance was a very tricky thing during the pandemic because I could handle all of the home stuff better, but the work boundaries just weren't there so sometimes it was harder to focus during the day or escape at the end of it.  But so far somehow this feels like it's not a bad compromise.  Maybe I will tire of it, maybe I will discover I have a clear favorite, but for now, I think it'll work.  And whatever gets figured out after December, I guess we'll just have to roll with it as best we can and brace for the fallout.  

Throughout the pandemic, I was never sure what was harder--knowing that while our days were monotonous, change would eventually come; or knowing once it was over that we'd be back to our old routines with no change in sight.  Sometimes that hope of change kept things tolerable, so I've never been sure how it would feel to know that was over unless we actively created our own change, which gets scary in its own right.  So I guess this changeable, all-over-the-map schedule prolongs that a bit and keeps things interesting.  Never a dull moment, I guess.  I got my fill of dull moments during the pandemic, so perhaps my tolerance for busyness will be higher for a while.

Anyway, it's been an interesting week.  Let's see how week two goes...

Crappy COVID Days

Carter came home from school on Tuesday sniffling and sneezy.  He had mentioned that morning that his throat felt a little funny, but in an allergy-ridden household, throat stuff is par for the course in the morning when the post-nasal drip is clearing out.  While I was hoping it was just an allergy thing, once he came home it became clear pretty quickly that it was more than that.  Cue Jacob's anxiety and a whole slew of internet searches and calls I didn't want to have to do.

I first called the pediatrician, who told me their next testing appointment wasn't until Thursday morning.  Previously we could get right in, but apparently not now!  I didn't make that appointment right away because I figured I'd look for other testing options.  But Walgreens and CVS were booked, and kids can't go to the county's testing sites.  So it was back to the pediatrician as a backup.  I tried looking into urgent care, but I couldn't seem to get any sort of confirmation on how much that would cost us.  Urgent cares can be notoriously expensive despite insurance, so I didn't want to get stuck with a $100+ bill for something we could get for free or a small copay a day or so later.  I had to go out that night anyway, so I stopped at both Walgreens and CVS to see if they had any over-the-counter home tests.  They were both out and didn't give me a lot of hope that other locations would have them, but Walgreens did tell me their shipment was coming in at 10am the next day so I should call then and see.  Good enough, I guess.

By that point I was so frustrated that my kid was sick and would definitely miss two days of school regardless of symptoms simply because we couldn't get a test.  And sure, it was feasible for us to manage those two days off, and yes, if we really needed to, we could suck it up and go to urgent care.  But what about people who can't take time off work that easily (or work from home) or can't afford a risky urgent care bill?  How can they be expected to do the right thing when it makes life impossibly complicated?  If you want people to conform in order to minimize spread, it needs to be easy.  And right now this is NOT easy.  I coincidentally read an article my friend posted about how home tests are readily available in Europe and how it makes no sense that it's not the norm here--in fact, it should have been a long time ago prior to vaccines becoming available.  I really miss the state testing site at the community college, where you could usually get an appointment within a day and get your results reliably within a day or two after.  It still wasn't perfect, but this is just annoying in comparison--endless internet searches, calling around, waiting.  At least that was a one-shot deal.

On Wednesday morning I did a bit more digging on the urgent care thing, with no luck.  Ironically, my boss had to get her son tested that day when he was sent home with cold symptoms, and she ended up waiting at least two hours at an urgent care (after already trying one with a three-hour wait).  So that didn't seem like a great option either.  I did end up calling Walgreens around 10:30 and ran over to quickly pick up a rapid test.  I brought it back home and read through the directions.  It seemed simple enough.  But as I was trying to swab Carter, he sneezed directly in my face.  I had my mask on, but my eyes took the brunt of it.  So, I knew that if he was positive, I was definitely going to be as well!  That 10 minute wait was almost as bad as a pregnancy test!  I nervously eyed it up, but did my best to wait patiently.  Fortunately, it looked like a very clear negative. Whew.

I will say that later when I looked at it to throw it out, I noticed that there was a faint pink line right up near the edge of the strip, but not where the positive pink line should have been.  That made me nervous that it was a defective test, but upon further investigation (I Googled it, which led to an Amazon product question that referenced the company FAQs) a pink line near that part of the strip (or apparently even a perpendicular line?) is still a negative.  Weird, but glad it wasn't just me!  Even still, we kept his appointment for Thursday just to be safe--after the swabbing causing him to sneeze I wasn't confident in my quality control!  It turned out he was still pretty sniffly and sneezy Thursday morning, so I wouldn't have wanted to send him to school like that regardless of his testing status.

I was grateful that the rapid test gave us peace of mind during our wait, and that it was a long weekend for the kids anyway, so he was just missing two days instead of three or more.  But it still stinks that every little cold now sends us into a tizzy and necessitates at least a day or two out of school (which probably always should have been the case, but let's face it--it hasn't been and it's hard to adjust) just because we don't want anyone else to have to deal with this same craziness.  I guess my mom's edict of, "Unless you're throwing up or have a fever, you're going to school," is no longer valid in the COVID era.

While all of this was going on, I was grappling with the news that a distant-ish cousin of mine (second cousin, once removed, if I calculated it right) was dying of COVID.  While he was technically a cousin, for most of my life I just knew the family as close friends of the family through church.  They always sat one section over from us, and his dad was the guy that passed candy to kids from his suit pocket.  There were a bunch of siblings, but when I was young only one had kids my age.  We went to school together, and I suppose I was only vaguely aware of their uncles.  They sang in choir with my dad, and eventually each got married and had kids of their own, who were quite a bit younger than me.  I suppose it should have been a hint that we were related when they were at our reunion at the beach each year, but it wasn't until I was a bit older that someone explained the relation to me.  If I recall correctly, the matriarch of that family was first cousins with my grandma--and someday when I take over the family tree database I can confirm.  Anyway, it's a truly wonderful family with deep ties in our church, and while the family relation was cool, the church relationship was more prominent.  Last week this particular cousin's sister-in-law (ironically the loudest anti-vax voice in my Facebook feed) posted a GoFundMe for him and his family, as he, his wife, their daughter and her husband were all diagnosed, with he and his wife getting the worst of it.  Apparently he didn't have insurance, so the hospital bills would be expensive.  It was clearly not a good situation then, and only went downhill from there.  I don't know if he was vaccinated, although based on how both he and his wife fared, I am assuming they weren't.  Around the time I was searching for Carter's testing on Tuesday night, I had gotten word that his kidneys were failing and it was likely just a matter of time.  His wife was also on the verge of intubation.

He died Wednesday morning.  My heart is absolutely broken over it all.  He was the biggest teddy bear of a man, the strawberry blondish one among a sea of dark-haired brothers, jovial but soft-spoken in contrast to his broad-chested build.  He had a daughter who had two kids, who have now lost their grandfather and are facing either the loss or long recovery of their grandmother, who is obviously heartbroken amidst her own fight.  Because his daughter was diagnosed as well, I'm assuming she never got to say a proper goodbye.  And his own mother, the sweetest woman you've ever met, will now need to deal with his loss in her advanced age.  I just can't believe I won't see his smiling face at reunions.  He was probably only in his early 60s and it seemed like nothing could take him down...but COVID did.  And again, that's what makes this virus such a jerk.  For all the people that thought they'd get through fine, there are so many that just didn't, for no apparent reason.  We know the flu can do the same thing, but this just seems even more arbitrary and it's a stark reminder why I'm not willing to gamble with my family.  He will be so missed by so many people and I just don't know how to process this terrible loss.  

Then Thursday morning I got in a text exchange with a good friend of ours--a fellow lax parent, church friend, and one-time cafeteria lady for both kids.  She's a spitfire, for sure, but it's been a hard couple years for her with challenging MS flares, complications from her medications, and now COVID threatening her already immune-comprised health.  She recently found out her medicine has rendered her COVID vaccine useless, so that's been really hard on her with having to continue to take major precautions in all areas of life, particularly with a husband and two kids who are living their lives outside the house.  She already had to give up her job in the schools (Carter's last school, specifically) because of this, and now it's just getting harder to stay safe.  We're both quite discouraged by our church situation, and even by Christianity in general right now.  Our church was so good for so long when the pandemic began, always erring on the side of caution.  But at some point in the spring when things eased up, they opted to remove their masking and distancing rules.  They did maintain the gym as a masked and distanced area, but it is unnerving that down the hall is a room full of people taking zero precautions.  We've been sitting in the gym ever since.  Jacob doesn't want to go to the youth gathering because they don't have masking, but we've let Carter go to Sunday School despite a similar situation just because we know he'll get more out of it there.  But our friend is really struggling because she feels unsafe there, and her kids can't really participate fully either--despite being vaccinated--because the youth gatherings don't take enough precautions.  Her daughter is up for confirmation now, and she's scared to go for fear she'll bring something back to her mom.  It's just so sad that a safe place like church has to feel uncomfortable because people think their freedom in Christ means that the government can't control them, but in reality we should all be doing what we can to help others like Jesus commanded us.  It's such a weird thing in my mind.  I understand masking makes some people uncomfortable, but it won't kill them--but it could kill our friend to go to church.  I just feel like the burden on immune-compromised people is so unfair and isolating, and it's such a small thing to properly mask and take precautions to allow everyone to participate in society.  I feel the threat as the parent of an unvaccinated kid, but even that pales in comparison because Carter would likely come out okay, but it's such a real threat to her life.  It's so discouraging, and there's really no end in sight when people don't want to take precautions, when tests aren't available, and when variants keep complicating things further.

Carter's results took a full 52 hours to come back, which meant we had to switch his therapy appointment to Zoom at the last minute and miss his soccer game.  Luckily, it was negative as expected.  But as things tend to go around here, yesterday Jacob was complaining he'd had a dry mouth and throat for the past couple days, and by last night he started sniffling and sneezing.  Within a couple hours he was a mess, much like Carter was Tuesday night.  Knowing he had a basketball tournament today, I gave him some zinc, but clearly it wasn't quite enough.  Miraculously, Craig managed to find a drive-up rapid test for him this afternoon at a pharmacy.  We know that more than likely it will be negative, but it'll be important to have for Tuesday when he goes back to school, if he has any lingering symptoms and they want to try to send him home.  We didn't want to risk waiting to see if he was better by then, because then he likely would have been on the same track as Carter with having to miss days waiting for a test and results.  So now we wait again, hopefully much shorter this time.  We were all supposed to go to a family party tomorrow, but now it looks like it'll just be Carter and me--but we'll make the best of it and maybe find a new playground along the way.  It's too bad Jacob had to miss his tournament today, since it sounded like there was going to be much more balanced playing time (guess some parents had given the coach an earful), but I don't think Jacob was too upset.  He's really ready for high school season and wants this one to be done ASAP.

So, this weekend has turned out quite a bit differently than we expected, but what else is new in the age of COVID?  Oh, and did I mention that I found out Thursday that my work schedule is now going to be two days remote one week and three the next due to some capacity issues?  So things continue to change and evolve and I have no idea how all of this is going to go...but we're about to find out.

Heading Back...

Almost 19 months ago, I left work on a Friday knowing that the pandemic was ramping up and things might be changing in the days and months ahead.  I did not anticipate that when I walked out that day, I left behind my work world as I knew it--forever, in some ways.  The building is still there, my office is there, but so much else has changed, from the people to the structure we'll be going back to.  And that reality starts on Tuesday.  

At the time, even two weeks away seemed almost impossible.  Then two weeks turned into a few months, and a few months turned into one delay after another.  Eventually it became clear our return was firmly indefinite, as our building was being used as a pre-surgical COVID testing site.  As our remote status stretched through Christmas and into the new year, by that point things were chugging along fine and we all assumed that would remain the status quo through the summer until kids were back in school, which was officially confirmed as the plan in early summer.  And then delta hit, and so did another delay.  But now Tuesday is our target, and by all accounts it's happening.  Seeing colleagues over the weekend made for a nice "whetting of the appetite", so to speak, but after this long wait, my feelings on this transition are way more mixed than I expected.

Working from home has been a roller coaster.  I hated it at first.  It didn't help that the kids were home and everything was worrisome and chaotic when COVID was still ramping up.  There were endless unknowns and the limbo was daunting.  It got a little better once the kids were back in school at least part time last fall.  I had settled into the groove a bit more, figured out workarounds, and could focus a bit better.  I realized that the casual wardrobe and more laid back mornings were nice, and I loved being able to switch over laundry or load the dishwasher in the middle of the day.  It gave me more lunch options and a chance to pull out dinner meat midday, and provided flexibility for managing the kids' needs, from doctor's appointments and forgotten items to early dinners and days off.  But over the summer it got harder again--not only were the kids here, but my work chat that had kept us all connected for so long was pretty quiet.  It was very isolating, and things only got worse when a couple people left our team and then Craig went back to the office full time.  Around that time they announced our return to work was delayed again, and it just felt like the lack of connection was going to do me in.  But then the kids went back to school, which definitely had its perks but actually left me feeling more isolated than ever.  Fortunately, around that same time I had to move my workspace for the new family heirloom desk, which meant I could now see the TV from my spot.  I discovered that the TV made for a good companion to ease the isolation, and I managed to clear out a huge chunk of my DVR without it being a terrible distraction.  That has once again made things a bit more tolerable, although admittedly I still find it harder to focus and really feel connected, so at least I know the office will help with that.

But since it became clearer that the return to the office might actually happen this time, I've felt my anxiety ramping up.  How will I survive getting up at the crack of dawn again?  How will I get dinner cooked before Jacob's 6-8pm practices?  What am I going to eat for lunch and how underwhelming will it feel after 19 months of home-cooked options?  Will I be able to keep my focus in the office when I'm so used to constant distractions?  Will being there when only half the office is there (more on that in a minute) be super weird?  Can I deal with people and being "on" all day again?  Can I remember how to dress myself in more than just a t-shirt and jeans?  

The good news is that we were able to elect up to two remote days, so reality will only hit full-on three days a week.  I initially only opted for one, mostly because I disliked remote work and only wanted one day for easier access to Carter for therapy appointments.  But now that we've gotten closer, my nervousness has ramped up and I'm probably going to opt for a second day, even if it's just to help me ease in a bit.  The good news is I was able to get a second computer monitor for free through our local Buy Nothing page, so that will make things easier at home because my work is nearly impossible on a laptop screen, which was probably by biggest concern with a 40% remote schedule.  I'm a little nervous about how it will feel to only have a portion of the team there on any given day.  We'll have one "anchor day" where we have to be there together, but will it feel less fun without parts of the team most of the time?  I worry about the dynamic and the weirdness of people not being there, even if they should always be available on our chat.  As it is this is only a trial run through December, so who knows what will happen beyond that anyway.  I guess I'll try to settle in but not get that settled?

I guess I'm feeling anxiety because I know there are things I'm not thinking about.  With the sudden manner in which we went remote, I feel like I don't have a good grasp on how the two scenarios compare.  Early on it was just survival mode, figuring out how to get through, so any of the subtle things that were good or bad sort of got lost in the shuffle of trying to function.  And now it's been so long I can barely remember what some of it was like, or what pain points I'm forgetting, or what might actually be nice to go back to.  It's amazing how almost 20 years of routine can be wiped out in a fraction of the time.  Part of me wonders if I'll even be able to readjust given how mentally taxing the last 19 months have been.  

When I see colleagues in person for the first time, sometimes it seems impossible that it's been almost 19 months.  But it has been, and that's actually a really long time.  I officially marked 6-1/2 years in my job today, and this remote period accounts for almost 25% of that time.  That's crazy--it definitely doesn't seem that way, to the point it makes me wonder if my brain purposely blocked out the sensation of the passage of time to dull some trauma.  The other day I looked at a pair of work shoes I bought right before COVID hit and felt a little guilty that it's been so long and yet they've barely been worn because I've lived in sneakers, flip flops, and slip-ons.  Don't worry, I'll wear them a bunch with my jeans soon enough.  Then I looked at my off-season wardrobe closet (some of which never moved to my main closet since this started) and realized that a bunch of stuff just didn't feel like "me" anymore.  After all, I look like a whole different person with hair that's six-plus inches longer than it was last time I was in the office and wore those clothes regularly.  I'm just not sure how all of this will feel because I can't tell what might have changed within myself over this very challenging time.  It's a very strange sensation.

I am hoping that the partial remote status will at least maintain the illusion of a better work/life balance than I had before.  I was very sad thinking about how my laundry days will be relegated to the weekend or how much harder it will be to schedule things like giving blood, but then I realized I'll still have a remote day or two where those things can be managed.  I think it'll be enough to manage them, anyway.  It's just going to take jumping in and trying it out to see how it goes.  I feel like a lot of us are well-aware this isn't going to be a smooth transition, no matter how much it seems like it should be because we all knew what we were doing 19 months ago.  We're all bracing for a bumpy ride ahead and hoping the flexibility we've been shown all along will be extended, at least while we're figuring things out, if not longer.  It takes 30 days to start a new routine, so there should be no surprise if we crash and burn a bit early on.

I do hope that this transition ends up being a bit healing.  I've wondered all along when (or if) life will go back to feeling some sort of normal, and this is really the last big step in that (aside from casting aside masks without worry, but that's a whole other thing).  Maybe getting back to old routines will help ease some of the discomfort of this entire pandemic experience, but admittedly it's still scary.  We're all asking our new selves to fit back in our old life, and there's a possibility that could now be like fitting a square peg in a round hole.  We've all gone through profound changes and it's concerning to think we may have changed permanently enough that the old us doesn't work like that anymore.  I'm not sure what the next step is if that happens--maybe therapy or some big decisions, neither of which I really want any more of right now.  There's just a mental tiredness that I hope gets fixed, but it remains to be seen if this will be one step forward or two steps back.

If you'd have told me 19 months ago that I'd be freaking out about going back to the office, I'd have thought you were nuts.  I guess the pandemic does funky things to people.  But now it's less than a week away, and the celebration I thought I'd want to have upon going back feels a little exciting, a little scary, and a lot overwhelming. But first, seeing if it actually happens...