Beautifully Exhausting, Part 2

When I left off on my last post, we were headed back home after soccer, and I purposely chilled out for a bit to decide how we were going to spend the rest of our day--and figure out how much energy I could summon to do it after so many busy days!  I had promised a playground and his choice of dinner since it was just the two of us, but I wanted to be as strategic as possible with the time we had since it's rare to have a whole chunk of a day unscheduled and unencumbered by gluten restrictions or trying to find something four people can agree on.  I wanted to get in a good playground if we could!  I've realized that maybe I'm trying to cram these playgrounds in because I know his time enjoying them--at least to this degree--is probably limited.  He'll turn nine over the winter, and the more he grows the harder it will be to enjoy slides (aka ankle breakers to the taller set) and some of the smaller equipment, or even find kids his own age.  It could be that his absolute love of playgrounds won't last long enough to hit up all the awesome ones, but we're definitely going to try!  

I finally determined we should try a two (or three)-for-one trip out to Webster.  I figured that if we were driving a full half hour, we might as well get in two new playgrounds!  The first was Jack's Place, which was built in memory of a little boy that died in a terrible lawn mower accident about five years ago.  It's actually the second one his foundation has built.  It's dinosaur-themed, including a fossil dig area with rubber mulch, because he loved dinosaurs.  There was also a free library and a seed distribution box at the entrance.  It was a very sweet place surrounded by the town park and Lake Ontario in the distance.

While the playground was cool (and busy!), it wasn't really my favorite since the play structure itself was built in a way where it was hard for adults to get around.  While there were bridges or other areas that were easy to walk through, almost every spot to climb within the structure, and almost every external access point (at the top of slides or where you could climb in) had short, square openings that were almost impossible for adults to contort themselves through.

Carter checked it out and explored all the equipment.

This is his "Dizzy Doer", which he does all the time--and does to other friends, too!  He will twist the swing up as much as he can, and then let it go!  He thinks it's hilarious that he looks a little "drunk" when he comes off legitimately dizzy...and this time he actually fell!

Since I didn't fit well on the playground, he eventually spent a lot of time playing with other kids.  He found a tag buddy or two, and also spent a lot of time on this crazy spinner!  This was a bigger one than most we've seen, and even had a climbing web at the level of that metal band halfway up.  There were kids everywhere on it at times, on all levels--even outside at the top!

I took a really short video snippet to document the craziness.  I feel weird getting other people's kids in my pictures but this just had to be seen and I figured the quick video would make it harder to identify anyone.

We ended up leaving despite the fun because Carter had to go to the bathroom, but we were unsuccessful in finding one in the immediate area.  It was surrounded by the giant town park but everything in sight was pavilions occupied by parties, and I felt weird trying to see if there were bathrooms there.  I actually had a plan for a little detour before our next stop, and I wondered if maybe there would be something there, so we drove less than a quarter mile down the road to a parking lot with a great view of the lake.  Sure enough, there was a port-a-potty there!  Score!  

 

After he was done we took a walk out to the pier.  It was a beautiful night and there were a lot of people fishing.  It was such a cute little area that I never knew existed.  Next to the lot along the path to the lake there was this sweet little creek full of ducks!

Looking out toward the lake

Carter really liked this very old, very dead white tree trunk...

On the little bridge looking back toward the ducks...such a scenic little spot!

The view was really pretty and the skies were gorgeous yet again.  There was a bit of a breeze and in one spot the water was splashing up pretty good on shore.

This was the view in the other direction.  The evening sun highlighted it beautifully.  If you went another 35 miles in that direction, you'd hit Chimney Bluffs, which we visited a couple months ago.

We walked out to the end of the pier, but I didn't take a picture of the end just because there were so many fishermen in the way!  We watched one next to us for a minute or two to see if he caught anything (and ducked every time he cast his line), but no luck.  So we took a selfie instead!

As we walked back, Carter was intrigued by these flat rocks along the path as he hopped along them.  The water had apparently washed up between them at some point.  He was also intrigued by the amount of seaweed along the path.

There was a little area where the rocks jutted out into the water and the creek flowed through on its way out to the lake.  Carter enjoyed tossing pebbles in from there and trying to block the flow from the creek.

After getting our fill of the lake, and since dinner was approaching, we headed to playground #2, the Karpus Family Playground.  The first thing we noticed were these crazy orbs!  They spun and rocked, and Carter loved it!

At one point I made the questionable decision to get in one because I wanted to see how much you could control the movement from inside.  It wasn't my best move because Carter definitely gave me a ride!  I could feel it for the rest of the evening.  My head just does NOT like spinning anymore.

The playground had a lot of the same features as other accessible playgrounds we've been to lately, including a glider and merry-go-round.  This one had a lot of ramps and this odd but intriguing wide slide.  I did see a couple girls position themselves so they could both go down at the same time, but I'm not sure if there's another purpose for it.  Climbing up without blocking others, maybe?

There was a littler kid section and it had this cool flipping activity with two different sets of beads and some sort of bubbling liquid that funneled down when flipped.  Right across from it was a spinning circle with balls in it, and there was a "shelf" inside that had a couple holes, so when you spun the center pivot, it would pick up the balls on the shelf and then you could tilt it to make the balls drop back through.  Those were different than I'd seen before.

This little slide was surprisingly steep--it took Carter a couple tries to climb--and the blue one next to it was a roller slide!

We had a lot of fun exploring, and once again he ran off and played some tag.  We also spent time on the swings where Carter spun himself dizzy again!  The sun had set by then, and eventually I ordered our dinner on my phone and gave him a countdown for when we'd have to leave, drive home, and pick it up.  We very much enjoyed our Domino's dinner (he loves it so much!) and settled in to watch a movie.  I somehow convinced him to watch "A League of Their Own" with me, in honor of Geena Davis being in town that day for the UR commencement.  I don't think he was thrilled by it, but there were parts that made him laugh (the long pee scene and Stillwell's antics were probably the favorites) and he seemed intrigued that it was based on something that actually happened.  The big boys got home about 2/3 through the movie, but we still finished it up and wrapped up our fun evening.  I love giving him time like this because he's spent so much time having to tag along on everything we do, from Jacob's games to errands, so for him to run the show a bit more is always nice.  He loves his playgrounds and needs to burn off that energy.  It was a very good day.

Sunday ended up a bit lower key because of the rain that moved in (now on day three--ugh).  I made Chex Mix and pumpkin muffins, switched around some seasonal clothes, brought out the Halloween decorations, and ran a couple errands.  Luckily we now have two four day weeks in a row, courtesy of the kids' four day weekend (which I am taking vacation to do as well--much needed).  But in the middle of that is going to be a huge transition, which I'll write more about in my next post!

Beautifully Exhausting, Part 1

What a week.  This past week felt non-stop, but admittedly it was really all good stuff, and was rather photogenic at that!  Work was busy enough as it was, because I knew I only had four days at my desk and I had a lot of data and other projects to get through in that time before I was away from my computer all day on Friday for Meliora Weekend.  I had a ton of meetings, too, which is unusual, so the entire week felt like it had to be planned out practically to the minute--I had notes about what needed to be done on which days and in what order I was doing things on any given day or night.  

My boss' birthday was Tuesday, and since I was the last birthday in our group, it was my responsibility to organize her present.  After agonizing for days, I opted to put together a birthday basket of her favorites.  I had to drag Carter with me to Walmart and Wendy's on Monday night while Jacob was at practice, so I once again bribed him with the promise of a playground.  Carter suggested going to the Parma playground, which we went to for the first time back in April expecting two playgrounds, and there only ended up being one because one had been taken down in preparation for a new accessible one.  I had seen a friend post pictures recently where you could see the new playground was open, so it seemed like a good night to check it out.  It was a really pleasant evening but we had to go to the playground first before our errands because it's getting dark so early now!

The playground was pretty great.  It had two tall towers with slides and lots of climbing stuff.

This connected two sections--it really slowed Carter down in the midst of his tag playing!

The part that Carter is on could be used to climb or slide--there was a slide-friendly groove in between the climbing holes.

The view from the top of the tower in the previous photo.  There were twin twisty slides from both.  I never did figure out how to climb up that yellow twisting ladder on the left.

Endless funky monkey bars and climbing spots

The favorite equipment seemed to be the spinner.  It was constantly full of kids, and both parents and kids were taking turns spinning it.  It was a workout!

Carter loves to play tag.  He usually wants me to play tag with him on playgrounds, but I generally don't like to do that for two reasons: 1) Trying to go fast on playground equipment could be a recipe for disaster--for both of us; and 2) I only want to play with him when playgrounds aren't busy.  If there are a lot of kids I feel like I get in the way.  I also feel like tag is a lose-lose for me--if I catch him, he just turns around and catches me back, and if I don't catch him, he gets frustrated that I'm not playing with him.  It's not really that much fun, but I do what I can to keep him happy.  However, he's gotten pretty good at busy playgrounds finding kids that want to play tag with him.  On this night he played with a kid named Dean, who was a rather small six-year-old (or so he said).  He was so sweet because he always said, "Excuse me" when he needed help with something.  They ran around chasing one another for a solid half hour!  But eventually it was starting to get darker and Dean had to go.  The sky was looking like this...

As we walked to the other playground, Carter said he was tired and asked me if that's what it's like to have a kid, when you have to chase them all over the place.  I confirmed that it was indeed!  We spent maybe 20 minutes at the other playground, at which point it was nearly dark, but he was having a blast with a brother and sister closer to his own age.  At one point the brother very perfectly hid himself in the twisty tunnel slide for so long that the grandma got up to look for him when Carter and the sister were looking for him.  But at just the right time he popped out and freaked them out completely--even when they had an inkling he was in there.  It was hilarious.  

Walking the slightly bouncy balance beam

The sky continued to be beautiful, but it was definitely dark enough for headlights by the time we left!
 

On Wednesday night we had Carter's Back to School Bash.  It was different than an open house--basically just a big party outside.  It was another really nice night (even if it was definitely going to get cool as the night went on), so we walked over to the school.  It was Carter's idea, and a good one since I knew the parking lot would likely be crazy.  The first order of business was meeting his teacher, who he still adores a month in.  She sang his praises for going the extra mile to track down his homework online the previous night after he forgot his paper at school.  He had wanted me to email her to let her know because he was upset about missing recess, and she answered that night with the online suggestion.  He did it, although I think he might have done a wrong page, but she was thrilled with his effort regardless.  I can't tell you how night-and-day different this year is.  It's amazing.

It was almost surreal (but strangely normal) to look out at the school yard and see dozens of kids and lots of families running free around the yard.  The teachers had masks but only a couple kids had them since everything was outside.  It was so nice to see them laughing and playing like normal, on the playgrounds and basketball courts, playing tag and chatting on the playground equipment.  It was a far cry from when I ran through this same area all the time after COVID first hit and marveled at the impossibility of the school having been empty for months.  I also knew at the time that Carter would be there before I knew it, and sure enough--now he's there but at least it waited until the school came back to life!

Carter had a blast hooking up with his buddies.  They chased each other, played on the playground, and eventually Carter was spinning his friends mercilessly on the swings, as he loves to do.  I spent most of the time just watching from a distance.  The sun was setting and the golden hour set in.  The illuminated tops of the trees looked really cool. 

As I sat, a brave squirrel ran past me, having come from the direction of all the activity, and ran up a tree.  It had a giant acorn in its mouth and sat in the tree for a few seconds pondering its next move.

The sky got prettier and prettier, from golden yellow clouds to pink ones.

It got really intense at one point, and this was amazing--notice how the pink and purple clouds are above a second set of strictly white clouds, rather than just clear sky.  I assume it was just the angle of the sunset determining the color, but it was interesting how clearly delineated they were.

The sky was really stunning for a long time, and once again I had to drag Carter off the playground in the dark, even after his friends left. 

Oh, and prior to that event, we actually had family therapy (though we left Carter at school because he gets out later than the appointment) and our therapist was so thrilled to hear how well the school year is going for Carter and how it appeared that his broken tablet had essentially righted a lot of things--both Carter's screen time struggles and Jacob's annoyance with Carter's screen time--and suggested we might want to think about wrapping things up soon if things continue to go well.  We agreed that year-end would be best before insurance deductibles kick back in, so that's the target for now.  As he said, "It shouldn't be a life sentence!"

Thursday night was busy, too, as I had to cram in a Wegmans trip because we needed a bunch of stuff, including Saturday's soccer snack, and that was my last chance to go because the next day and a half would be busy!  I was up bright and early on Friday to drop Jacob off and get into work by 8:30 or so for my first Meliora Weekend shift.  It was a much smaller event this year, but I still ended up with three shifts, one of which was a registration shift at the Eastman School of Music.  Sadly, the doors to the Chihuly were locked, but it's always nice to be in a beautiful building like that and seeing all those talented musicians passing by (and sometimes randomly breaking out into song).

A few years ago they made efforts to give the non-River Campus schools their own "Meliora" icon like the photogenic giant letters on the main campus.  I did this post when I went to see them at the Memorial Art Gallery, but this was my first chance seeing the Eastman chimes!

After a very long shift spent registering walk-ins for the weekend (or more accurately, the Friday lunch food truck rodeo outside) and catching up with a very-long-ago sports colleague who just joined UR and happened to be on the same shift, it was time to head over to the main campus for an "on-call" shift that I took because I felt bad Carter's soccer game (and Jacob's out-of-town basketball tournament) would prevent me from working a shift during the busiest part of the weekend.  I really just hung out waiting for someone to call my cell if anyone couldn't make their shift or an extra hand was needed.  I had cold weather clothes and a nicer top waiting in my car just in case, but it ended up that I just grabbed poutine for a late lunch, wandered around, caught up with colleagues for the first time in 18 months, sat in the break room with my computer to look at a day's worth of emails, and eventually just made myself useful when the evening's big event was getting set up and an extra body/set of legs was needed.  I did have a few minutes to walk to the newest building on campus to check out the cool mural in the lobby.  It features the school's official flower, the dandelion, and is made up of thousands of tiny metal flowers that are colored and bent to create a mosaic effect and shimmer and shine in the sun.

I drove past the building a few weeks ago and its sparkle in the sunlight was so pretty!  I love stuff like this so I was happy to get a chance to see it in person.

By the time I got home around 8pm, I was exhausted!  Not only was it a long day after an earlier-than-usual morning, but my pandemic self is apparently not prepared to deal with people all day long!  After all that, I could barely handle Jacob deciding to talk to me about every moment of his day when I got home.  I was so over stimulated!  I slept pretty well, but once again was up extra early on Saturday to get ready for another morning shift--this time starting at 7:45 to prepare for commencement!

The 2020 graduates never got an in-person commencement because everyone got sent home and it just wasn't safe to do anything in person at that point, just a few months into the pandemic.  It didn't work out to bring them back at the same time as this year's commencement, as that was already stripped down and limited to just graduates (no family) to manage space and distancing constraints.  The goal became to do it this weekend, but even this got stripped down.  First it went to just current students, 2020, 2021, and reunion alums (plus family), rather than invite back all alums, and then the emergence of delta necessitated cutting out the reunion aspect (maybe in June) and focusing just on the first three groups and their families, with the highlight being a real 2020 commencement for all the schools combined.  It was going to be a full house, so it was all hands on deck!

Thankfully, it turned out to be a gorgeous morning and not as cold as the low 50s forecast would have indicated.
 

It was back to the Eastman School of Music (but again, no chance to glance the Chihuly--too much going on!).  I sometimes miss being in the city, and this part is always such a lively, fun area thanks to the students and the cultural influences of the music school and historic theater.

Sculpture in the park across the way

It was a little like herding cats to get all of the Arts & Sciences grads scanned in and corralled for an hour prior.  Another colleague and I handled the largest school group--the undergrads--making sure they'd checked in to get their reader card, were going to the right spot, and were scanned in before lining up.  It was crazy but wonderful to see these grads finally getting their moment--with their friends and in front of their families--even if it was coming after an extra 16 months of waiting (and a year of "real life" experience).  

Half of them already in!

I was released from that at 10:30 once everyone was in (and listening to actress Geena Davis, who gave the commencement speech!), and met Craig and the boys over at the arena to exchange the EZPass for Carter.  Craig and Jacob were off to Syracuse for basketball, and Carter had to stay with me for a soccer game.  We went home, had a little time to change and eat lunch, and then back off we went, never mind how badly I needed a nap!  Luckily it was a gorgeous day--much warmer than most we've had lately--and it was a perfect day to sit in the sun but not bake.  Carter played goal for a half (he let in two) and then scored a goal of his own!  His team made a nice comeback but it fell short when the second half goalie let in a couple late.  But it's always fun to see him play, and there's just two games left so the frustration of this less-than-great team won't last much longer.

That was just the first half of our day--we still had a lot of fun left to have...but that's enough for its own post!

Gogh-ing For Some Me Time

Lately I feel like most of our weekends have been dominated by family stuff and sports.  Both are good, but it makes it hard to fit in much else--let alone try to relax or do productive stuff at home that I'm too tired to do during the week.  I like being on the go, and I don't want to take family stuff for granted after the last 18 months, but I admittedly sighed internally when I saw that my cousin's son's first birthday party got scheduled for basically the same time as Carter's weekly soccer game because I knew I couldn't do both.  Thankfully it was on a weekend when Jacob didn't have a basketball tournament, and since Craig and Jacob can't go to a lot of his games on tournament weekends, they were fine taking over soccer duties for the week.  I hated to miss the game (and he scored!), but that freed me up to go to the party and also gave me a prime opportunity to do what I couldn't do last time I was in town solo (for the same baby boy's baptism)--to go to Beyond Van Gogh.

I had been seeing ads for this event for months and it looked pretty awesome.  Then I had a cousin see it in another city and enjoy it, which only increased my interest.  Once it hit the Buffalo market a couple months ago, I had a trickle of friends go--most in the past couple weeks--and all had rave reviews.  I was determined to get there, but with a nearly $50 price tag, I wasn't sure I wanted to drag along my presumably-less-than-enthused crew.  So, I looked for opportunities to go solo.  It was only really an hour that I had to carve out, so I was hopeful.

If you've been around for a while, you know my love of art is a bit quirky, but it's strong and goes back a long way.  My grandma was an artist (she could have gone to art school but became an army wife instead), and as a little girl I wanted to be one too.  I loved crafting and drawing and playing around with artsy stuff, but it turned out I didn't have quite the skills I needed.  My high school art class was a nightmare--though it prevented me from having to sing in front of people in chorus--but my love has remained, as long as I'm not doing the creating (or at least not having to do it from scratch).  Field trips to the art gallery were my favorite, and things ramped up even further in college when I took an Art History class and learned all about Renaissance to Modern art.  I loved that class, and it just so happened I was in the middle of it when I went to the Albright-Knox over Thanksgiving and not only accidentally discovered Dale Chihuly for the first time, but also delighted in identifying numerous works' artists before I even saw their little info plaque.  It solidified my love, and having frequent access to the Memorial Art Gallery these days has helped it continue to grow and evolve.  While I don't love it all, most of it I can at least learn from and respect.  Beyond Van Gogh seemed like a great opportunity to experience art in a new way.

The birthday party was lovely and it was great to see my family.  I was careful with my food intake since I had a plan for after Van Gogh, but you can't beat Buffalo pizza and wings!  I had a little time at my parents' before I took off, and then it was off to my adventure, which was conveniently right along my route home.  It had turned into a cool, drizzly afternoon, but it seemed to be starting to clear as I went in.  I had expected it to be somewhere in the dead mall it was at, but instead it was a giant semi-permanent tent-style structure in the parking lot.

The first section was a series of projected screens that featured highlights from Van Gogh's life, as well as notable quotes.  Everyone just strolled through in a line to read them.  

This was one of my favorites.  I try to remind myself that God has a plan and things usually work out in time even when we feel like our plan is going off the rails.

This one definitely reflects my personal philosophy, particularly at this time of year.  I always try to find beauty wherever I can.

I just thought this screen was exceptionally pretty.

I loved the paint detail on this one.

I really related to this quote.  I think something similar about myself all the time, particularly when I see someone achieve success or get a promotion when I know that my technical abilities or work ethic is on par (or stronger) than theirs.  I just know that I'm lacking a certain personality trait or skill that allows for decision-making and confidently taking charge even when I don't know for sure what the best route is.  For example, I had a colleague who it seemed barely understood the bigger picture of our department that moved on to run her own entire department with another school.  Even me, with six years of experience (or my boss with 16!) wouldn't feel comfortable doing that, but she just had the trait that allowed her to say, "Screw it, I can do that," and go do it.  Maybe she'll succeed, maybe she won't, but those details won't stop her from trying.  They do stop me, and I know there have been times where they've held me back.  But I know there's still value to me even if I don't have the traits I need to get the glory.

The second room had the first taste of the moving projections that make the main event so cool.  I loved how it flowed down the wall to the floor and even collected on the door frame.

 
Here's the video.  I liked that the orange blobs looked a bit like swimming koi:

In the main room, the music and the images were stunning.  You were transported to landscapes...

And seeing his paintings larger than life was amazing.

Did you know he only signed his first name because he was nervous about people mispronouncing his last name?

There was such a variety of works and the way they were presented on all the surfaces was really interesting.  It was sometimes hard to know where to look to get the best effect.  Sometimes they would repeat on each side, sometimes not.  When quotes popped up they usually differed on each side.  I just kept wandering as much as I could to make sure I was seeing a little of everything.

At one point we got to be in his bedroom, but different sides had different versions of his bedroom paintings.

I've always been interested in this painting because I recall doing something with it in my high school art class.  It wasn't among the pieces my mom saved for me, so I guess I'll never know what it was!

I have an odd affection for European outdoor cafes, mostly from years of looking at them on webcams.  I love so much about this painting, from the mood to the colors, and more than any other of his paintings it makes me want to transport there and have a glass of wine in the moonlight.

This was one of my favorite moments--the starry sky was so pretty and blended so seamlessly throughout the entire room.

Another favorite moment was this one.  It was so peaceful and the water moved just like it was real water flickering in the evening light.  It was so easy to pretend you were in a real place experiencing that moment along the water.

Here's the video--look closely at the water:

Sometimes they'd line the walls with what looked like stacked paintings with a theme, like portraits or flowers.

The transition from the flower paintings was stunning, as flowers themselves flowed in to cover everything.

The end result - note the floor, too!

It was just one gorgeous view after another. 

Another of my favorite moments was this lovely moment.  I love spring's flowering trees, and this let me be in the midst of a shower of petals...|

By this point I was getting choked up at the memory of my grandma and knowing how much she would have enjoyed something like this.  That teal behind the blossoms was her favorite color, and she loved flowers, so I think adding the art element to it would have been SO up her alley.  It was very emotional, and beauty of any form touches me anyway, so it was definitely a moving experience.

Obviously I was eager to see how they handled Starry Night, probably his best known work, and it was simply beautiful.  It started like this...

It finally evolved to look more like the painting itself.

The end showed a bunch of his self-portraits, including the period with the bandage after he cut off his ear.  You can see one of those on the right below.  While it wasn't the most stunning of the themes, it was appropriate since so much of the exhibit was meant to help you understand Van Gogh as a person--his experiences, his journey, and his mental health challenges.  His view of himself clearly evolved over the years, as I would guess ours would as well if we were painting ourselves over the years.

And that was it!  I was sad it was over--and after the fact I almost wished I'd have stayed for a second round of the video loop.  There were a couple pictures I wish I could have retaken, and I'm sure I would have seen new things.  But I guess I'm glad I came out when I did, because upon stepping outside it was like I stepped right back into a painting--the sunset was beautiful!  It was even more interesting because the sky behind me was super dark gray and threatening, but it was lit so dramatically by the bright yellow sun as it set. I took a few minutes to run into the Buffalo-themed store across the way while the sun set to a point where I could take a better picture.

 
I then ventured down to the Polish restaurants down the way to scope out dinner.  There's a Polish bakery, a pierogi bowl place, and a Polish-themed bar.  I took this flower pic on the patio outside the bar.  So vivid!

Unfortunately, presumably due to the staffing shortages affecting everywhere right now, the pierogi place closed at 6pm.  I was so bummed because there's a bowl there that's totally up my alley and I really wanted that for dinner!  So that was a bit of a bummer.  As I pondered my dinner options, I continued to watch the sunset evolve.

I wrapped up the evening with dinner at Arby's, which doesn't sound like much, but I got to try the sandwich I wasn't able to have the previous weekend, which was actually really good, and they had WiFi, so at least I could look through my pictures and have a leisurely, quiet dinner before getting back on the road.

As usual, this time alone seeing something so beautiful was very fulfilling and gave me a pleasant, peaceful mood for the rest of the night.  The paintings, the sunset, and even my surprisingly tasty second-choice dinner were all so enjoyable.  It was one of those moments where I could just be me--momentarily apart from my other roles in life.  It was just what I needed before starting an extra busy week!

Analysis Paralysis

I don't know what's happened to me over the last 18 months, but it's becoming ever-clearer to me that I have some sort of COVID-induced analysis paralysis.  I just can't seem to make a decision to save my life right now.  

Some of it is big stuff, like having lost the motivation to redo my kitchen because I just can't seem to decide what I want to do.  Some of it is small stuff, like the previously mentioned issue of repeatedly not being able to decide what kind of food to bring to parties.  Last week I was trying to set up my fall decor and I felt totally paralyzed, in part because I now have my new desk and I was debating my options for what to put in the upper cabinet.  I figured that the blank slate in a lot of spots in the house, along with pulling out lots of stored generic decor, would help me think through what I have and what might work, but instead it just left me more confused.  With some time to marinate overnight, I did make one decision, and eventually worked through the fall stuff, but the more I thought about that paralysis, the more I realized how common it's become for me.  

Some of it might be practical, like not wanting to waste money or screw up important or expensive things like the kitchen or our vacation.  But even within the big things, there are other smaller struggles.  Part of the kitchen problem is knowing how many people are having issues getting contractors and supplies, and not having the fortitude to deal with that.  With our vacation, everything was last minute because of the weather and COVID concerns, but at the same time, even when I knew things were for sure (or as close as could be), I still struggled to hit the "confirm" button.  I think that's part of the reason I missed out on the Legoland tickets--that even though I knew the discount was probably out of the question, I still put it off because I had anxiety about booking that expensive reservation when there was a tiny chance I could have made it cheaper.  It just overwhelmed me.  And it's a little dumb, because our finances are fine.  I try to be mindful of them, of course, but it shouldn't have made a difference when we were there to go to that park and that hesitation ultimately caused us to miss it.

I also struggle with clothing decisions, committing to events, and choosing presents.  They seem like mostly simple, inconsequential decisions, but I struggle mightily nonetheless.  Even last week when I finally determined I could do a little something for myself after attending my cousin's son's first birthday this weekend (you'll see what soon!), I agonized over booking my reservation and what time I should pick to make sure the party was over but I wasn't going to be driving home too late.  And what if COVID hit before then?  It's almost like I trust nothing and everything's going to change anyway, so why make plans?  But the thing is, while a lot of events have been threatened over the past 18 months, not that many have been totally blown to bits for me to feel this way.  Even our trip ended up mostly unscathed despite an actual, credible threat (Craig's exposure to a positive case) sneaking into the middle of it.  So why am I so hesitant and anxious about things not working out?

I'm sure whatever is causing it isn't too far removed from whatever is sabotaging my evenings when I should be working out but just can't stop playing around on my phone to relax from a long day.  Early in the pandemic, I looked for every possible chance to get out for a run.  Now I can't even motivate myself to get up from a chair, change my clothes, and go down to the basement elliptical.  I feel like I'm out of sync and just mentally spent.  It could be some low level depression, but it's not like I have anything in particular to be sad about or even feel sad.  I just feel...meh.  

The frustrating thing is that this current setup should be the easy one.  I don't have to get up extra early or commute to an office.  I can dress casually and watch TV in passing (it's how I've started coping with the excessive quiet in my house since the kids went to school and Craig went back to the office).  I can put dishes in the dishwasher or change over laundry.  What am I going to do when all those things go away?  Yes, I will generally have the boost of actual humans around me, but how much more tired will I be then?  So what is my problem?

I have no doubt that all the stuff I've read about the stress response is part of it.  They say that the stress response we all had to the pandemic was biologically only supposed to be a short term one--you know, the usual sort of fight or flight thing.  But because the pandemic continued on and our bodies kept having that same response repeatedly over a long period, our systems are all messed up.  So maybe that's part of it, that my brain almost can't tell the difference between the big stuff and little stuff because all it knows anymore is to be on edge.  It wouldn't surprise me at all if this is at the root of a lot of what's happening, just because depression doesn't seem like quite the right fit.  

What concerns me most is that I don't know what will fix it.  A vacation helped a little but I felt right back in the thick of it immediately once we were back.  Sometimes I wonder if a vacation for just Craig and me might be helpful, but that comes with a whole different set of stressors.  I live for fun breaks from the daily monotony, but once those are over I'm either repeatedly looking back at pictures or longing for the next thing.   Maybe seeing people more often will help, as it's the one thing I really haven't been able to try yet--at least not on a daily basis.  Hopefully in a few weeks we can test that theory, but we shall see.  Sometimes I wonder if getting back to that same sort of routine will make it almost like all of this craziness never happened, but I don't know if it will be healing or if it will actually be oddly traumatic because there won't be an opportunity to properly process and mourn before the onslaught of real life takes over again.  Sometimes I wonder if it will gradually get better once gatherings don't feel like a threat, masks aren't necessary, and all of the societal infighting dies down.  When that will be, I have no idea--maybe never--so I think we have to start trying to improve in other areas in the meantime.  In many cases it's an energy thing because I need to have the energy to get out of the house and do things, which is still a struggle no matter how much I know they help.  I'm trying to be more mindful of it all, look for opportunities, and push through to do them.  I'm also trying to be grateful for all we have, because there's a lot, but all these months later, it's clear it's still a one-day-at-a-time process.  Hopefully we'll emerge from this better than ever, but it looks like the road is still going to go on a bit longer, so I guess we'll just hold on for the ride.