Birthday Bummer

It's hard to believe it...my first baby boy is TEN.  How has it been a full ten years since that very long night of pushing and the very long week that followed?  It just doesn't seem possible.

Leading up to this birthday it had been a bit of an odd preparation.  I mean, first of all, there's still no party in sight because we're just trying to get through tournament season.  Second, all Jacob really wanted was a basketball hoop.  And not just any basketball hoop, but a very expensive one.  As a result, we weren't planning on a lot of gifts besides that one.  I dropped the ball weeks ago when I had exchanged gift cards for Jacob's brain study for Target cards so we could put them toward the hoop (long story, but those credit card gift cards are complicated), but then I didn't order it quickly enough and the sale that made it affordable-ish ended.  Well, then we had to figure out how to comfortably spend an absurd amount of money on it (contributions from grandparents, primarily).  But right when that was finalized, the price jumped again, which took it completely off the table.  After much discussion and previous insistence that he needed that specific one, I convinced him to get the next step down, because if it broke (as he's insisting it will), we could buy two more for what we'd pay for the good one.  That one is still on its way, unfortunately, so we knew it would be a bit more low key of a day overall.

In the end, the night didn't turn out quite the way we'd have hoped, but the day started out decent enough.  I made Jacob cinnamon rolls for breakfast, per his request after I ate my weight in them last weekend.  We headed off to school with a cooler full of freeze pops for his classmates, and I was there just long enough to hear his name announced (and mispronounced, of course) over the PA for his birthday.

I took a half day from work because there was a field trip this afternoon and I figured what better time to go than on his birthday?  It was also a food-related one since it was a walk to Friendly's for ice cream, and initially we were nervous about what the offerings might be and what he could eat.  Luckily we found out a week or so ago that they'd be eating the sundae cups, which are clearly labeled, so that was good!  No worrying about cones or contamination!

He seemed happy to see me when I arrived, and shortly after we started the walk to Friendly's.  It was maybe a 10-15 minute walk, though of course Jacob and two of his friends (and therefore me) brought up the rear.  It was definitely typical, silly, fourth-grade-boy stuff, but it was interesting to see him in his element.

At our destination, everyone settled down on the grass to eat their ice cream, and we had an interesting view--the concrete was being poured for our new Texas Roadhouse!

I stopped over to check on Jacob, and while he'd been cool with me being there up until that point, perhaps the photo request was over the line...because I got this face:

The good news once we got back to school was that it was the end of the day and I could take him right home.  We had a quiet couple hours before Craig and Carter arrived (Jacob played Minecraft and I tried to finish up my birthday letter post but ended up napping instead), and then it was present time. There were only three, but again, the hoop is a big one!  It's coming Tuesday, supposedly, but who knows how we're ever going to get it together!

He was sure he knew what was in the big bag, only because it arrived yesterday and was in a Target box.  He was right :)

New basketball to go with his hoop

Tough guy

I found this shirt for him weeks ago--basketball Adidas shirt...

The third one cracked me up a bit.  It was a last minute pick to bulk up the gift opening a little.  The look on his face when he tried to pick it up and it barely moved was funny.  Inside was a pair of 5lb hand weights, so it was a little 10lb box!

At first he wasn't sure about the weights, but he always looks at them at the store and did decide he wants them.  Time to bulk up!

Right before we left for dinner, I had him pose in the cool crown that his classmate's mom made.  Apparently she does them for everyone in the class.  It's pretty awesome.  It says Jake across the front in graffiti-style writing.

We headed out to dinner (Chuck E. Cheese, his pick--supposedly because he knew his brother would like it--awwwww), and we had a really good time.  Jacob found his new favorite game, the milk jug toss, and Carter had his usual fun, mostly on the motion simulators.  We picked up another couple hundred tickets, and still opted to save all of them.  We're up to 965 right now.  The goal is currently the 1500 ticket suction dart board.

Once we got home, we had a Friendly's Wattamelon Roll, by Jacob's request.  By this point he was acting a little odd--snippy and saying he was hungry because he only ate a little pizza at dinner, but then he got full on his wattamelon roll really quickly.  Sometimes when he takes melatonin he acts almost drunk tired, but this just seemed odd.  And then shortly thereafter he put himself in bed because he was really tired, and finally he admitted he didn't feel well.  I grabbed the puke bucket because he was refusing to sleep on comforters in the bathroom, and not long after, he used the bucket (successfully!).  Poor kid.  He moved himself into the bathroom and slept there, but he woke up a couple hours later and I could hear him freaking out a bit and breathing heavy, like he was going to be sick again.  Somehow that one passed, and that was the end of it.  He almost tried going back to his room after that, but quickly thought better of it, just in case.  But he was fine in the morning and it was a battle just to get him to not eat a cinnamon roll right off the bat.  He kept down three pieces of toast, and off he went to his last day of school.  Fourth grade is mercifully done!  His report card was good aside from one blip in music that somehow relates back to a quiz he bombed, but other than that, I was very happy with the end result.  He also apparently got a sneak peek at his teacher and class the other day, and we'll be discovering the world of a male teacher next year.  He'll also finally be in the same class with his first "girlfriend", a girl who he was in his first daycare with as an infant.  He went to a couple of her birthday parties after that, but their paths haven't crossed much since.  Apparently that will be changing.  He only has one good friend in the class, but we'll see!

So, it wasn't how we wanted it to end--and what a waste of great birthday food--but overall I think he had a pretty good day.  He also got to bring freeze pops to lacrosse practice last night, and I know that was fun for him, too.  The good news is that he'll still have a couple more presents and a fun cake coming his way in a month or so whenever we schedule his party.  And his hoop will be here next week, so that will be awesome for him, too.  Ten is sort of a weird age--not quite a little kid, but not quite a big kid--and I think we're still trying to find the balance at gift-giving holidays to make them exciting and meaningful without the volume of the gifts being what it once was.  Hopefully this one was a success in his mind. 

Happy Birthday, Jacob!

TEN!

Dear Jacob,

Ten years.  An entire decade.  How is it even possible?  I mean, clearly you've been around for a while now, but to think you've gone from a tiny newborn to this big kid just blows my mind.  In some ways it feels so fast, like we were just sitting at the hospital, then I blinked and we're here, and in other ways I know we've fought our way through for so long that I barely remember life without you.  In a couple months I'll turn 40, and it's pretty crazy to think how I pretty much dedicated my 30s to your existence.  Your brother's too, for part of it, but you were the one who set all of those wheels in motion and changed everything.  I still felt pretty young when I had you, and now most of the time I feel like wisdom and experience has finally come with age, just because we've been through so much with you.  While some days it's on the tiring side, ultimately the wisdom is a good thing!

It's just a big milestone to realize that a full decade has come and gone since you entered our lives, and now we're more than halfway to you reaching unofficial adulthood!  We have a long way to go before that, of course, and you definitely still have a lot to learn.  So do we, I guess, so I suppose we'll be learning together.  I pray that you'll listen as we try to teach you how to be a functional, contributing member of society.  I know you think we know nothing, but I promise you that experience is one heck of a teacher and we have a lot of that to share.  I'd like to spare you some of the obstacles we've had to overcome, but I have a feeling you'll just have to learn that stuff yourself.  Either way, I have no doubt we have a challenging road ahead, judging by where we've already been.  I just hope we can find a smoother route at some point.

I've tried very hard in the past year to reconnect with you.  At some point I realized that with all of the difficulties we've gone through, we had sort of lost each other.  I'd lost sight of the cool kid that's hiding behind all of the defiance--one who ultimately just wants to be loved--and you lost sight of the fact that your mom loves you fiercely and would do anything to help you.  That's the part that killed me, that you genuinely didn't think I liked you, let alone loved you, and you didn't trust me.  There are still moments, no doubt, but I hope that this year you've started to see how much I care, and that even when you're angry at me and don't want to believe it, deep down you know.  You're going to need your parents' love and support as you go through these tween and teen years, and now is not the time to push us away.  Trust me on that one.

Suddenly you seem so much older to me.  You're so tall, so handsome, and sometimes so mature that the little boy seems to be a thing of the past.  But then you do something like start a fart noise contest with your brother or have a tantrum like a toddler, and I know you're not quite there yet.  I guess that's what these tween years are all about--growing into the big kid body while learning to tame the little kid mind.  I know there is an amazing kid in there, and if you would just learn that you don't need the potty humor or annoying behavior to get the attention you crave, we'd all be better off.  I know you're smarter than that shows, and your humor can be, too!

I told you the other morning that you're going to be shocked by all that happens to you in the next couple years.  And a couple years beyond that you're going to be almost unrecognizable compared to the kid you once were.  I've seen it happen with so many kids who suddenly pop up on their parents' Facebook page--one day they were a kid like you, and seemingly overnight puberty hits and they look completely different.  Boys seem especially prone to this, and I'm bracing myself for it.  Not just because it will be hard to not see my little boy as clearly anymore, but because I know teenage hormones and natural strength will add yet another challenge to our already complicated relationship.

Even so, I definitely feel like things have evolved this year.  You're much more accepting of your brother--you almost like him sometimes, even--but it's like you still don't know how to manage those feelings, both the loving ones and the jealous ones.  You're realizing he might be a fun playmate/minion, but then he does something to hurt you (physically or emotionally) and suddenly all of the rage from five years of jealousy and frustration come right back.  You don't always realize that his humor is different from yours, and when your jokes fall flat and he gets mad, we're right back where we started with two kids who just don't mesh.  I have more hope than ever that someday you'll figure it out, but we still need to maintain a lot of patience and should probably invest in referee attire for now.

I know you hate going to our therapy sessions because you feel like it's a validation that something is wrong with you.  I hate for you to think of it like that, but I also think it's hard to deny you've gotten a raw deal in some ways.  I realize more and more, though, that everyone has something--and if it wasn't this, it would be something else.  Ours just happens to involve talking to someone about our problems every couple weeks, and it could totally be worse.  I hope someday you realize that the mere fact we're there is evidence of how much we love you and want to work through this stuff to be a happy, loving, functional family.  I know you don't see that right now, but I never want to look back and regret that we didn't try something to help you understand yourself a little better.  It's hard enough with an "average" brain, but yours is complicated (in exceptionally good ways and some challenging ways) so there's nothing wrong with getting a little guidance with it.  I honestly wish I had that opportunity as a kid, because I probably would have been far more comfortable in my own skin if I did.

This year's also been notable in that your tastes for sports have changed a bit.  You now claim to like basketball more than lacrosse.  We've been through quite a process to get you a hoop, but hopefully that will be resolved soon and you'll work off all your extra energy outside.  Later this year you'll probably play on a real basketball team, possibly at the expense of at least one of your lacrosse seasons.  Deep down I know it's fine--and per the experts, good for you to diversify--but sometimes I wonder if it's just your tastes changing, or if the rough few months we've had with lacrosse have turned you off.  Obviously we've been through a rough patch recently, between the Storm debacle and your current lack of playing time, but hopefully we'll get that resolved because I love watching you play when you have confidence.  I know we can find that again.

I know that we have our share of tough moments, but no matter what, I love you so much.  Sometimes I think our bad moments are worse because they make me worry about you to the point that I lose my mind a little bit.  Maybe someday I'll get that under control, but until then, I'm sorry.  Just know it's all out of love.  In the good moments I'm so proud of you that my heart could burst.  I can't believe you finish fourth grade tomorrow and next year is your last year of elementary school.  You've done so well in school (despite the homework struggle) and I know you've learned even more than you realize.  You're capable of so much, and I'm lucky enough to have a front row seat to watch it happen.

I'm not sure how we got here, but I'm so thankful for these ten years.  You have changed my life and taught me so much.  From the highest highs to the lowest lows, parenthood is quite a ride.  And while I wish it wasn't quite so crazy sometimes, I'm glad you're part of it.  Happy 10th Birthday, Jacob.

Love,
Mom

  

Off to Philly!

This past weekend was tournament #2.  It was just outside of Philadelphia in a similar spot to last year's final tournament, which Jacob's team won.  Unfortunately, because this one fell during school, we couldn't do any of the fun add-ons we did last year, like downtown Philly, Hershey, or Gettysburg.  It was basically down and back, and that was reinforced when we got our schedule, which was firmly concentrated in the afternoons.  It was a nice change of pace from the 5am wakeup/7am arrival time we had last weekend (and at most tournaments), but it made it nearly impossible to do anything else of significance.  We couldn't even find an evening baseball game because our last game on Saturday didn't end until nearly 7pm!  But, on the bright side, at least this week we all got to go together.

I took a half day of work on Friday and packed like a maniac until Craig got home with the kids, and we were packed up and on the road by 4pm.  It was nice to be back in the van with multi-zone climate control, plenty of packing space, and the DVD player.  Carter took no time to get back in his happy place!

The drive was pretty much par for the course - too many stops, a handful of arguments, but some pleasant scenery along the way.

From my new phone...

...and my trusty old camera...somewhere in the middle of PA.

We had a harrowing game of travel bingo, listened to some silly music, and talked, while mostly Carter watched a couple movies.

It was a late night getting in to our hotel, around 10:30, I think.  But since we didn't have to be up early, it was fine.  We actually slept until nearly 9am, at which point I rounded everyone up to get ready before breakfast shut down at 10.  God forbid we miss the main reason I booked that hotel--Holiday Inn Express cinnamon rolls!

Since we had a couple hours to kill and the kids are brutal in hotel rooms, we headed out to our best option--IKEA!  I did a little shopping for a couple things I had my eye on, and the boys enjoyed playing with the many stuffed animals and exploring the many room setups.  After that we went to Chick-fil-A for lunch (and hey, no half-hour wait!) before heading back to the hotel to get ready to go to the tournament.

It was a really beautiful day, warm and sunny but pleasant.  Our team tent was right by a hill and Carter was having a blast rolling down it!

Jacob's team did well on day one, winning all three games.  One was close before they pulled away, another was pretty much a blowout, and the other was pretty tight throughout.  But the team looked pretty good.  Jacob played a decent amount, but there were still signs that we were going to see more of what frustrated us last weekend.

We did have a nice time at the tent with the other families, though, and it was a nice view from up on the hill.

The team did its huddle nearby (usually they go off to a quiet shady corner between games), and it was nice to see them all together, talking and sharing and listening to the Bible.

Closing prayer - Jacob is next to the orange jersey on the left, in the foreground.

Saturday night we ended up at a pizza parlor with some other team families.  I think we were all pretty spent by then, so as soon as we ate, we were ready to go.  The boys fell asleep pretty easily that night, and lights were out around 10pm for all of us.

Sunday was going to be a hot one.  We had a lazy morning at the hotel with another wonderful breakfast, and we headed to the fields by 11.  It was pretty brutal as soon as we got there, and just the walk to the tents with all of our stuff was enough to get a pretty good sweat on!

As we waited for game #1, Jacob's teammate's brother offered to play lacrosse with Carter.  Carter borrowed some gloves and a stick, and he had a blast shooting on him.  When he took a turn on defense, Carter was pretty intense!

I'm glad some other big brothers pick up the slack where Carter's own big brother lacks!  Over the course of the weekend Carter also befriended one of Jacob's teammates and almost made friends with a sibling closer to his age...at least until the kid used a lacrosse stick to tag Carter and tore up his finger a bit!

Jacob's team faced a really tough battle in the semi-finals.  It was 90 degrees outside, and again Jacob wasn't playing, meaning that other teammates were playing the whole game in the heat.  They suddenly found themselves down 5-1, including one goal that their goalie scored on himself. There was also a goal they seemed to score, but the ref said it hit the post.  Everyone (including some fans from the other team) insisted it went in, but no dice.  All hope seemed lost, but suddenly they got their act together and roared back to take the lead!  It was so exciting and awesome to see them work together like that.  They ended up winning 7-6, but the win was a bit tainted because in the last couple minutes, one of their good players got hit, and when he stood up we could see he was struggling.  At one point he made a really errant pass, and then he had his hands on his head and subsequently doubled over, only to puke right on the field.  Obviously he was suffering from heat exhaustion, so they took him right off to the medical tent.

As worried as we were, we were hopeful that Jacob would see some playing time in the championship since that player plays the same position as Jacob, but of course he made a miraculous recovery over the 40 minute break.  We definitely question the wisdom in letting him play (even if it didn't impact Jacob), because it was still very hot and he played almost the whole game again.  If it was my kid I might have let him play a few shifts to feel like he contributed, but not the whole game!  That stuff is not something to mess with, so I'm concerned that no one stopped him from playing that much again.
 
Anyway, the championship was against the team they got their first win against, but this time it was much harder.  It was a battle the whole game.  Jacob only played once so it was hard to watch as the team struggled and was clearly getting tired.  The officiating was rough and both sides had their dirty moments, probably because they were worn out.  The score was back and forth the whole game, and Jacob's team took the lead with a couple minutes left.  Unfortunately, the other team tied it shortly thereafter, and the game went to overtime.  It didn't take long for the other team to win the faceoff, miss on one shot, then grab a loose ball and score the winner.  We were crushed  It was such a tough way to end the weekend, and we knew we had a long drive ahead.

We were on the road by 5pm, but once again, the bathroom stops killed us.  I drove for the last four hours or so, I think, which helped the trip go faster for me.  We talked way too much about Jacob not playing, though, which was frustrating.  We got home around 11:30, and poured the kids into bed.  Of course, I was still obsessing over Jacob, so after I did some unpacking and some social media catch-up (it was Father's Day, after all), my brain took another 45 minutes to shut off.  You can imagine how fun Monday was.

But now we're off and running on a new week, and tomorrow is a VERY big day!  Stay tuned :)

Sucky Sunday

So...Sunday.  I guess it really began with the end of the Knighthawks game.  It did not end well.  We were within one during the fourth quarter, but eventually the wheels fell off and we lost 15-10.  It was quite a bummer since Craig had to travel there again and miss our weekend, and it's never fun to lose a big game like that.  It ended around midnight, so I knew it would make a rough start to Sunday when my alarm went off at 5am.

And, of course, when it did go off, I felt like I'd had about two hours of sleep.  I still managed to stay functional, though, and got us off to breakfast by 6:15.  Thus began the first of many minor debacles of our day.  I went to pour batter on the waffle iron and noticed it looked like someone had sprayed non-stick spray on the waffle iron, but it burned on and got gross.  I already had the batter in hand, so I put it on in hopes it looked worse than it was.  When I opened the iron, the waffle split in half lengthwise, and all of the pieces I pulled off had black crap integrated into them.  I thought maybe that solved the problem, so I decided to try again.  The second round did not go much better--still black spots and it stuck badly to the waffle iron, so that one was a loss, too.  Luckily I was planning on stopping for caffeine anyway, but still...two tries and no dice?  Not a good start.  I had yogurt at the hotel and picked up a bagel at Dunkin', along with a frozen coffee.

At the tournament, we got prime parking but I managed to forget things in the car two different times, and then had to go back a third time for Jacob's mini stick.  However, I didn't mind the walk that much since the weather was once again perfect.  I could tell, though, that it was going to be a more intense day in the sun than it was the prior day.  Still, I couldn't have asked for more perfect weather after roasting at this same tournament last year.

The first game started, and once again I was looking at my watch and wondering when Jacob was going to get in.  In the end he only had one shift--again--and to make matters worse, his team lost.  They scored a goal at the end of the first half that was signaled as a goal, but then it got called back, supposedly because time had expired...but how they figured that out without instant replay, I don't know.  In the end they lost by one goal, so it felt even worse at that point.  Jacob told me after the game that coach apologized for not getting him in more, and he'd make it up to him.  And, in game two, Jacob played a little more.  It still wasn't a lot, maybe a handful of shifts, but it was better.

The third and last game ended up being another battle, this time against the host team.  There was a lot of yelling at the ref by various parents, which was new for our group as we're not usually a vocal bunch--but a new parent may not have figured that out yet.  Anyway, it was becoming even more apparent that some players were playing pretty much the entire game, and once again, Jacob got in only once.  By this point I was pretty livid on the inside but trying to stay calm.  I almost cried, honestly.  It was like the day we found out he'd been relegated to the "B team" on his house team this spring, where we knew it stunk and wasn't fair, but couldn't really do anything about it.  I felt the same this time, because I didn't feel like he was doing anything obvious to lose playing time, yet he wasn't playing.  To make matters worse, later Jacob told me that kids were coming to the sidelines exhausted and getting sent back out too soon or refusing to go back out after a short rest.  When you have able bodied kids ready to go and don't use them, that's a problem.  How do you expect a 10-year-old to stay engaged in the game and get more experience if they're not playing?  No matter how many times I replayed the scenarios in my brain, it just didn't make sense.  It wasn't like this last year--even at worst when the team played man-up or man-down most of the game and Jacob didn't play those shifts.  Since when did winning overtake winning as a team?  That's not what the organization stands for, so it left us (Craig via text) pretty confused.

They won that close last game, but because of various tie breakers, they ended up losing the championship to that host team even though they beat them.  After winning this tournament last year, it was disappointing, and knowing Jacob barely even got the chance to help, that was even worse.  We packed up and were happy to head out.  We stopped at the Under Armour outlet when we were halfway home, but they didn't have the shoes Jacob wanted to try on and then we ended up arguing over the slides (flip flops) he wanted.  The white ones looked goofy, and I know he's weird about things getting dirty, so I had to say no for now.  Sounds stupid, but it was just one more thing to make the day annoying.  Oh, and in the midst of all of this, we were hungry but Jacob couldn't tell me what he wanted and there wasn't much around that was gluten-free, so we were raiding all the snacks and it still wasn't enough.  So on top of everything else, I was hangry.

In the meantime, Carter was eating filet mignon with Grandpa and Grandma...and loving it!

Once we got home, I unpacked a bit before my parents arrived with Carter.  Of course, the boys started driving each other nuts immediately.  Once my parents left, I opened up the Amazon delivery that arrived while we were gone (and sat on the porch for 24 hours--thank goodness our porch is mostly hidden).  Inside was my new phone.  The SD card in my old phone failed, and rather than spending $10 to get a new one for a phone that was frustrating me anyway due to very little internal storage, I decided to get a better one.  Unfortunately, when I started getting it set up, I realized that this phone doesn't allow me to store apps on the SD card like my old one, so even though the new one has more, I'm really no better off on the internal storage situation.  I'll make it work, I guess, but darn it.  The rest of the day was just challenging.  It was hard waiting for Craig to get home, the boys were crazy, and between a continued awkward food situation (nothing in the house!) and being epically overtired, everything just sort of stunk.  I've been trying hard lately to count my blessings and look on the bright side, but on Sunday it was not happening.  And with the way work has been lately, looking ahead to Monday made it even worse.  I honestly think my body was totally off due to lack of sleep and weird eating, and it just magnified everything so much.  And to some degree I knew that at the time, but it was so frustrating!

Anyway, another week is upon us.  Craig asked Jacob's coach what he could work on to get more playing time, and he got a couple suggestions.  The boys also got some actual plays to memorize, too, and Jacob is now obsessing over those.  Hopefully it works!  I don't really want to drive five hours each way this weekend for a handful of shifts!  He only has a week left of school now, which is both hard to believe and a complete relief!  It's been a bit of a tough year with his teacher, but we're almost done!  How does he only have one more year of elementary school left?!  Speaking of which, Carter is looking forward to his graduation in a couple weeks.  It's crazy to think he's almost done with preschool.  It'll be so strange in the fall to not have to go to daycare anymore, since we've been going to this particular one nearly every day for over eight years.  I still haven't decided if we'll go back.  We usually make Christmas break work at home, and he can go more cheaply to the school district's camp during February and Spring breaks, so it's really just summer we need to consider...but we have a year for that!  Craig's schedule hasn't slowed down much since his season ended, but hopefully soon.  I think we all just need one big break--some solid time of no work, no school, no daycare--assuming we can fill our time with more than just electronics and fighting.  One of these days we'll figure out a plan for some form of vacation!  This week is going pretty quickly, thankfully, since we're all excited for the next trip...but I have a lot of packing to do...again :)  One step at a time...

Super Saturday

Jacob and I had a weekend to ourselves this weekend.  Craig was on the road with the Knighthawks for the deciding game of the championship series, and my parents graciously offered to take Carter so I didn't have to wrangle two kids by myself during two long days of tournaments.  Carter isn't thrilled with Jacob's games, and with how long one of these tournaments went last year, I didn't want to take the risk so I was happy for him to get a special weekend alone with them.  I was also looking forward to some mother-son time with Jacob since we don't get a lot of opportunities for that these days.  It wasn't quite the family fun time I was hoping for when I booked the hotel room (even with the knowledge Craig might be traveling), but it was exciting in its own right.

We made the exchange with my parents on Friday after work, and I'll admit it was tough to let Carter go.  He's such a happy kid most of the time and his hugs and kisses are so sweet, so I knew I'd miss that over the weekend.  But I also knew this time was important memory-making, and I figured he'd have a blast.  So off he went!

I had to finish packing up the car, and then we decided--in the interest of time--to just hit up Chick-fil-A on our way out of town.  We had about a 15 minute wait, but it really wasn't bad and it was nice to have something we could eat on the go, to get on the road sooner.  The drive to Syracuse was uneventful (it almost felt short!) and we got settled in our hotel room around 8:30.  The hotel wasn't up to Jacob's standards (ha!), but it was fine.  It was in an area I was familiar with, and it was relatively updated even though it was a little beat up in spots.  No frills, for sure, but fine for us for two nights in which we were basically just avoiding a really early wake-up and extra 90 minute drives. We turned in early because my 5am alarm was early enough without coming in from Rochester!

The next morning brought a gorgeous day.  We partook of the hotel breakfast around 6:30 and were at the tournament shortly after 7am.  Last year when we arrived, the parking was already on the grass at the far end of the property.  This time we were smack in the middle of the lot, which was nice!  I dropped Jacob off with the team and went back to gather up snacks and other supplies for the day.  The weather was a little cloudy but very pleasant.  I had shorts on, but didn't take my jacket off until after the third game, around noon.  It was a huge contrast to last year when it was around 90 most of the day and we were roasting!

The boys won their first game 12-5, but oddly Jacob didn't play much.  He'd left practice early on Thursday after overheating, and when the coach asked me after the first game if he was feeling better, I assumed maybe he didn't play him much because of that.  But the next two games he played a ton, and they won both by good margins, one huge shutout and an 18-4 win.  Jacob had a goal in each, I think, plus at least one assist.  That put us into the semis, which last year had us waiting a couple hours for a game, but this year we had a perfect one shift on, one shift off schedule the whole day.  On top of it, the bathroom and food lines were non-existent, which was also a switch from last year.  They must have either not had as many teams register, or they adjusted times better.  It seemed like every issue we had last year was so much better this year!

In action in game 3

Relaxing between games!

 

They dominated in the semis (12-0, I think) and then made it to the finals.  As that game wore on, I noticed that Jacob wasn't playing again.  It was a very close game, and we were losing at times, so I figured maybe he wouldn't play as much since he's not one of the top players.  But I still expected him to get shifted in periodically as relief.  In the end he only had one shift, which was really disappointing, but thanks to a last minute goal his team won a nail-biter 9-8!  We were thrilled for them because they did so well all day long!

The celebrating mob

This tournament doesn't have a trophy, but it does have a championship belt!  The boys posed with it as a team, and then took turns holding it individually.

Every kid was remarking how heavy it was, and strapping it around themselves proved difficult, but they were so excited!

We got back to the hotel, and Jacob had this odd idea to do an ice bath, which is supposed to be healing.  He got cross-checked in the back at some point, so he wanted to attend to that if he could.  Of course, he ended up with very little ice, but ran a cold bath and then spent a while trying to get himself in it!

He did, eventually.  He spent maybe 5-10 minutes in it...silly kid.  In the meantime I FaceTimed with my parents and Carter, who were having a great time--aside from a rough bedtime the previous night!  After that, we cleaned ourselves up and headed out so we could hit up the gluten-free bakery that was directly across the street.  Handy!  We pored over their options for a while and both ended up with yummy looking cupcakes and a cookie cup filled with fudge for Jacob.  We could have tried everything, though!

After much discussion, we settled on Outback for dinner.  We ended up sharing steak and shrimp.  He ate the potato side (mashed), I had a side salad, and then I added on sauteed mushrooms for myself.  He ate about 2/3 of the steak and we split the shrimp equally.  It was delicious!  Just before we left we caught the running of the Belmont Stakes, which ended with the 13th-ever Triple Crown winner!  As we waited for the race to start, I tried to explain to Jacob why horse racing is sentimental to me--since my grandfather loved it and we always gathered for the races as a family.  Ironically, the other person in my life who loves horses, Mary, lives five minutes from where we were eating, but unfortunately was out of town with her horse when we were there!

We went back to the hotel after that and settled in for the night.  We were both tired and retreated into our electronics for a bit.  I looked through photos and blogged, and Jacob played games.  I think we both just needed that downtime.  He fell asleep at 9pm, at which point I was just getting geared up to turn on the Knighthawks game on my computer.  I had another 5am wake-up ahead, but of course when your team is in the championship game, it's tough to pass up!  So, Jacob slept and I watched.  It was a very close game for most of it.  I'm going to save the result for my next post, though, since it fits the theme of that one much better. 

But suffice it to say that it was a good day all around.  Nice weather, great games, and a nice time with Jacob.  Now on to Sunday...

Kindergarten Orientation!

No matter how much I try to stop time and keep Carter as my sweet little boy, it's not working!  As a result, earlier this week we found ourselves at Kindergarten orientation!

We obviously went through this five years ago with Jacob, so I pretty much knew what to expect, but I wasn't sure how Carter would react to his first look at Kindergarten.  The funny thing is, we're in that school all the time since it's where Jacob goes to the afterschool program.  But it's a whole different story when we're there for Carter!  All year, since I realized that he'd be there within a year, I'd marvel at the thought of my sweet little boy being in that big school all by himself.  Carter just seems so much younger than Jacob at the same age.  I mean, I had similar concerns with Jacob, but they were more rooted in the ADHD-like symptoms he had then, rather than just seeming, well, young.  As difficult as he was, Jacob had a maturity to him.  Carter still seems a little more babyish sometimes, but I'm not sure if it's because he's smaller, or we baby him too much, or he just has a more innocent, eager personality that contrasts with the seriousness that Jacob often exhibited.  

Based on how he seamlessly interacted with the kids at my Geneseo reunion, I figured Carter would settle in pleasantly well with the other kids, but you just never know.  I dropped him off with the teachers and after a couple hugs, he was fine.  We did have a pleasant surprise when we came up to the teachers, though.  We'd been tipped off by our friend who works at the school that there had been a change in the teaching staff.  It turned out that Jacob's second grade teacher, who he liked, is now going to be teaching Kindergarten.  Unfortunately, his old Kindergarten teacher, who we did not like, still is as well.  Our friend actually recommended Carter to another teacher she thought would fit him best, so I'm hopeful that between the two, maybe we'll get a good one.  I really just don't want him getting Jacob's Kindergarten teacher because she did not get him and I have really negative feelings about our interactions with her.  She just didn't know what to do with him, and while I appreciate the long-term result of her frustrations getting us a head start on the evaluation path, I really hated how difficult things were for him under her that year.  I cried in the parent-teacher conference, for Pete's sake.  Not great.  Just seeing her again brought back such bad memories, so hopefully any other option will be better.

Carter is a sweet kid and is mostly well-behaved, but it's hard to tell what Kindergarten will be like for him.  He loves playing, which isn't really a Kindergarten thing anymore, and he seems to have a much tougher time with writing than Jacob ever did.  I think he learns facts really well--so things like science and history seem like an easier sell--but reading and writing are huge parts of Kindergarten so I worry how that will go.  On the behavior side, sometimes he is immediately cooperative, and sometimes he's impossible.  It's not the constant barrage we had with Jacob, but when he does it, it catches you off-guard a bit.  He's very used to his teachers at daycare, but who knows how he will respond to a new one.  I'm also concerned about having both boys at the afterschool program together, given how they behave at home.  Hopefully they can keep them apart as much as possible, unless they discover some sort of common bond before then!

Anyway, in reading back what was covered at Jacob's orientation, it appears the topics were similar, but they were done in a different way.  Instead of sitting in one room the whole time, they gave us the bulk of the info in one spot, and then moved us into the gym for rotating small group sessions with the nurse, counselor/social worker, occupational/speech therapists, and the parent liaison who also spoke about the PTA.  From there we did the building tour, which I clearly didn't need, and then it was back to the cafeteria for the transportation session.  After that, we got to retrieve our kids and go on the bus with them, which was a step they did parent-less when Jacob did it.  

When I picked him up from his room, he was happily watching Peppa Pig (one of his recent favorites).  He had colored a picture and seemed to have had a good time.  We hopped on a bus for a ride, and of course it was selfie time!

The ride was short, but he seemed to enjoy it.  Now we have to figure out if we can get him up and out early enough to catch the bus!  There's at least a couple kids from the neighborhood who he'd be on the bus with--and his brother for a year if Jacob would actually ride the bus.  I actually found out this week through an impromptu walk with the next door neighbor mom and kid that the mom is trying to figure out a way to avoid Greece schools--either private school or a couple moving scenarios--but she seems very unsure so we'll see if she can figure it out before he needs to end up at our school in the fall by default.  It'd be a shame to lose them just when the boys are getting friendly, but it's not really our call.  

Listening to the speakers was a nice refresher on things, and there were even a few new things, but it was nice to not get overwhelmed like I did the first time.  The only thing that struck me differently is that I had to worry about so many little things with Jacob because of his challenges, and then again there were some things I was just able to ignore, like buying lunch, because of his Celiac Disease.  So, for example, while I didn't have to assume we'd be using the counselor as much this time around, I did have to think about the logistics of possibly having Carter buy lunch.  As much as a lot of this is familiar, I'm sure we have new experiences ahead!

Anyway, after a very busy week, Carter is taking another big boy step this weekend by staying alone with Grandma and Grandpa while Craig is traveling for work and Jacob and I are doing his first lacrosse tournaments of the summer.  More on that stuff in another post...

What Anxiety Means to Me...

I've mentioned here a few times recently that I've felt like anxiety has been creeping up on me more and more lately.  I know anxiety hits everyone differently, and I'm sure mine is on the low end, but it's been challenging nonetheless.  I probably need to do something about it soon, either getting with a therapist or just talking to my doctor at my appointment in September.  Maybe I need a low dose of something, or maybe just talking about it would be enough.  It isn't something that takes over my life, but it's getting closer to impacting my functionality.  You'd probably never know, honestly, as I don't have panic attacks or anything visibly amiss, but maybe you'd notice that I'm a little sadder or more distracted than usual when it hits.  But inside it's a series of constant negative thoughts, and a weight that just sits on my chest.

It's generally a stream of worst-case scenarios.  Everything goes to that worst place, whereas it used to be a completely calm and logical risk assessment.  For example, I was watching a commercial the other night for Darien Lake, a regional amusement park, and thought about taking Jacob there at some point, only to think about how terrible I'd feel if somehow Jacob fell out of a roller coaster or otherwise got hurt.  Like...what?!  I can look at that and know it sounds crazy, but it's a legit thought in my head.  It's almost like a superstitious thing, that if I don't think about that scenario it will happen and I'd beat myself up for not considering it.  But instead of just considering it and moving on, I dwell on it.

Even the wonderful offering of my parents to take Carter this weekend so he doesn't have to suffer through Jacob's tournament has been a tough thing to manage.  I worry about him being away from me.  What if his energy is more than my parents can handle?  With all the driving they'll be doing to pick him up and drop him back off, what if there's an accident and something happens to any of them?  Because it feels like I'm taking the easy way out by letting them watch him, I'd never forgive myself if something happened.  It's not that I don't trust them, because I know they'll do everything to keep him safe.  It's just that I know lots of people have great intentions and make great efforts at safety and it still doesn't go as planned.

That's the thing--I think I have some PTSD from something, probably most notably the sudden deaths of my cousin in her late 20s and my other cousin's 13-year-old son.  Why did that have to happen to them?  No one thinks stuff will happen to them, but things do happen.  People get diagnosed with cancer.  Accidents happen.  Why should I assume it wouldn't it happen to us?  I know the usual answer is to trust God, but I'll admit my faith has taken some hits in the midst of this.  I've seen losses that seem impossible to come back from, and even with all the faith in the world there are certain things that feel like nothing could fill that hole.  I don't know what to do about that feeling.  God never promises to shield us from pain, but He does promise to be with us through it.  But what if it doesn't feel that way?  I guess I've also had a hard time as it seems like prayers have gone unanswered in regard to our situation with Jacob and my missing senses of smell and taste.  I know that among those two big ones there are lots of little ones that have been answered, but lately I still feel lost.  I need to overhaul my spiritual life, I know, but I barely know where to start.

Based on the stories above, I'm sure you can assume where my thoughts were going when we were in the thick of Carter's foot issues.  The day or two after each overnight episode were wracked with worry and dread.  We still need to get blood work done, by the way, but my fears eased up a lot when the x-ray was clear.  But then I started worrying about my own health.  My ongoing throat issues got progressively worse.  A few years ago I figured out I probably had reflux because of a couple symptoms I was having, and a year or so later I saw an ENT because it felt like something was stuck in my throat.  He diagnosed some sort of spasm in my throat, possibly stress-related.  Last fall, a week before I got sick with a long-lasting virus, my throat started hurting when I burped--but only on one side.  I figured later it had to do with the cold, but then it stuck around--as did the cold.  Eventually I think it got better, as I don't remember the throat thing bothering me for a while, but then a month or two ago it came back.  I wondered if it was allergies, or my reflux acting up, or God forbid something much worse.  I tried getting an appointment at the ENT a month or so ago, but they never called me back.  But then it got better for a couple weeks (when I was taking omeprazole again, just in case), but then it came back and I got twice as worried that it was cancer or something bad, being only on one side and feeling like something was pushing on my neck at times.  Sometimes the fear was almost paralyzing, and it definitely took over my thoughts a lot of the time. 

Luckily I got into the ENT rather quickly, and after a scope, it was deemed to be inflammation from reflux.  It was a huge relief and obviously a huge answer to prayer.  Of course, I don't do a lot of reflux-worsening behaviors, so I think it really rests solely on my stress level right now, which is still very high from things being insane at work all day and exhausting at home with the boys at night.  Add in that tournament season is starting and the school year is ending, and everything is nuts.  If it gives you any idea of how bad things were, the problem improved by a ton just by the mental relief that resulted from the confirmation that it was nothing serious.  How crazy is that?  Of course, I still have a couple other concerns on the back burner (dermatologist appointment coming in August, for one), but for now I'm okay again. 

I don't want to worry anyone--because truly, I'm okay and I know there's help available if I need it, and I'm at the point where I understand that it may be necessary when it flares up again.  But I felt it was important to share--not just because it's my policy to be honest here, but also because it's part of our story, at least my part of our story.  This is parenthood, I guess, where every little thing--whether it impacts you or your kids directly or indirectly--seems larger than life sometimes.  In 24 days the worst of the work stuff will be over for a bit, and then maybe I can work on the rest a little more calmly.  In the meantime, please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers if you can.  Every little bit helps.