Tournament Time - Part 2

So, off to tournament #1 we went.  It was going to be a gorgeous day, but gorgeous also means sun and we were already at a disadvantage as we'd forgotten to grab an umbrella for the trip--which would have been more necessary with rain but helpful for shielding the sun.  That was a mistake we will hopefully never make again.

We pulled the wagon up to the team tent area and tried to settle in a bit.  In case you've never done the tournament thing, each team has their tent headquarters that parents can leave their stuff in and kids can raid the snack table between games.  Unfortunately there's not a lot of shade under the tents since there's so many people wandering in and out, so it's really just a home base of sorts.  But every team has one and it's pretty amazing to look out over the property and see so many tents full of players and supportive family.  This particular tournament was at a sports facility with a large main building.  There was a bathroom (about 5-6 stalls) and a snack bar.  The only other bathrooms were two port-a-potties at the other end of the property, a good 5+ minute walk (maybe longer with a four-year-old).  Our tent was slightly closer to the port-a-potties, but on the main drag back to the building.  The van was just beyond the main building, so again, a good walk from where we were.

Anyway, we sunscreened up, said hi to some parents, and eventually made sure Jacob was ready to go for game #1.  We settled in our chairs, and at that point it was still cool enough when the sun went behind clouds that you were comfortable in a hoodie.  They lost the first game and we retreated to the tent to fuel up.  After a short break we were back at it, and this time lost a pretty sizable lead to another Rochester travel team (one that includes a couple of his house teammates) and lost in the last minute or two.  That was a heartbreaker.  Back to the tent we went, this time for what seemed like a bit longer.  By now I was reapplying sunscreen as it was clear the sun would show no mercy.

In the midst of all this we had Carter needing to pee every half hour at most, thanks to all the water and Powerade he was drinking.  Each trip involved a long walk and usually a line to wait in, which isn't great when you have a kid who likes to wait until the last minute to go.  It was pretty exhausting, to be honest, to trek all the way to a bathroom, wait in line, and then deal with a hot (and no doubt smelly, but clearly that's not an issue for me) stall. 

At some point around that time we realized that Craig missed out on the sign-up for the food--it was through an app he was having trouble downloading, and somehow I dropped off the email list so I knew nothing about anything.  We had some stuff for Jacob anyway since he can't eat a lot of kid sports standards, but I felt a little bad about the whole thing.  We'll rectify it next time.  Jacob mostly made do with trail mix and fruit, along with a sandwich from our stash.

Game number three was better, this time a great win.  Of course, the slight complication of that was we knew a win would probably put us into our fourth game of the day.  By this point we were tired, a little hungry (the snack bar line was long, we didn't want to eat the team food, and our stuff only got us so far), and feeling the sunburn.  We'd had enough of Carter's potty runs and there was only so much conversation we had the energy to have around the tent--not that Jacob wanted us around anyway!

So, while we waited more than two hours for our last game assignment, Craig took Carter to the arcade in the main building to let him play a game.  Shortly after I happened to be checking my phone when he called me and said he couldn't find Carter.  He was getting change and Carter was right behind him, and suddenly he was gone.  I calmly freaked out and started wandering down that way, and halfway there I ran into a woman who was holding Carter's hand, and he instantly ran to me.  He had been wandering IN THE PARKING LOT near the building.  I thanked her profusely and tried to figure out what happened.  I think he just forgot what Craig was doing, lost sight of him, and didn't really know what else to do but wander.  We went over some guidelines for the future after that--find a mom with kids to help you, yell for us, etc.  And the next day, as we were unloading the van, I climbed in and 10 seconds later I hear Carter screaming for me.  He was a couple vans down, clueless to the fact I was in the open back of the van.  So bad news, short memory; good news, he yelled this time.  Oh, and we also ran into that woman a while later when Carter had to pee again, and was having such a hissy fit about having to go that the woman at the front of the line let us go.  The woman who found him probably wondered what kind of disaster parent-kid combo we were!

Needless to say, that long break started to get to us.  Bored kid, hot weather, long wait, sunburn, and a lack of desire to walk to the van to replenish our supplies all sort of wore us out.  At one point Carter had a complete meltdown because I wouldn't let him finish drying his hands.  He loves hand dryers in public bathrooms, but he was messing around with it and taking too long, and people needed to dry their hands so I dragged him out of there.  He had a full 5-10 minute meltdown about it, constantly trying to run back and do it, to the point I had to carry him back to our spot kicking and screaming.  That pretty much encompasses where we were by then.  So by the time we sat down for game number four more than seven hours after we got there, I couldn't wait for it to be done.  Luckily the boys put in a good showing and demolished a team that's a year older than them, so that was a nice way to end.  But as soon as it was over, we were out of there!

We had evening plans, after all!  After all of the years working in hockey, Craig had a friendship with someone at the Syracuse Crunch.  They just happened to be in the Calder Cup Finals, somewhere the Amerks haven't been since 2000, when I was an intern and Craig was in his first season.  We ended up getting tickets for Game 5, so after some cleanup at the hotel and a quick dinner, we were off to the game!  Sitting in a cool arena was a bit of a change compared to the hot sun all day!  We were exhausted, but we figured we'd enjoy what we could.  It has also been a while since our last hockey game, to the point I'm not sure Carter even remembers going to a game.

We had listened to Game 4 in the car the previous night, and I was excited to hear some familiar names--namely two kids of players I watched when I was first into hockey.  One of them was the son of former Sabre Mike Peca, playing for the Crunch, and the other was the son of the player that officially started my hockey obsession, Pierre Turgeon.  Once we got to the game, it made me smile that from a distance, with his five o'clock shadow and all of his equipment on, he looked a lot like his dad!

The Crunch scored in the first minute, then added four more before the end of the first period!  Carter fell asleep early in the game and ended up sleeping on Craig and me for an hour or so.  He woke up and seemed to be in better spirits.  We enjoyed watching the game, but between a nagging headache I had and a looming early wake-up the next morning, we left a little bit into the third period.  It was a gorgeous evening, but we had to get right back to the hotel and get to bed.  I slept a lot better that night, but we had to be up before 6am in order to get to the field by 7am, so it still wasn't quite enough!

We got to the next tournament pretty much on time, and before almost anyone else, which got us great parking!  It was already getting rather warm and sunny, as the high temp for the day was around 90!  The boys had three games that day, and I spent most of them just wishing we could rush through so my skin would stop burning in the sun!  Despite lots of sunscreen, my arms and shoulders got pretty toasty the previous day, so getting back out in the sun was the last thing I needed! 

Fortunately, the boys played three really great games.  They even got a shutout in one game and only let in three goals total.  They scored a bunch, and even Jacob got in on the action.  Believe it or not, we sort of lost count (partly due to some weird officiating), but we think he ended up with four goals and a few assists!  Overall, it was a great day...

In between games, the coach did an interesting devotional, part of which included having the kids count up from 1, one at a time, without overlapping each other.  It was clearly impossible, and I think the ultimate lesson is that doing something on your own is tough, but it gets much easier with guidance and teamwork.  It makes us feel good to see Jacob getting these kind of lessons in the middle of his lacrosse world, as that's probably the best way to reach him.

It was so hot!  Carter was kicking back and enjoying his slushie!

Quick family (spectators) picture while we waited for game #3

Jacob in front of the net holding up his stick to block the goalie

The great news is that the team won their age group in the tournament!  It was great to see the boys get rewarded for their great day after the tough start the previous day. 

Team photo with their championship shirts (Jacob is in the back row on the right next to the coach)

They're #1!

 

We grabbed some lunch and stopped quickly at Mary's apartment nearby so I could return the umbrella she accidentally left in my car last month.  We chatted for a few minutes, but we were definitely eager to get back home and get a few things done before another busy week.  I drove home while the boys slept, and I was very relieved to get home and settle back in.

It's been quite the beginning to the week, but more on that another day.  One tournament down, three more to go...

Tournament Time! - Part 1

This weekend marked the first tournament weekend for Jacob's travel lacrosse team this year.  Last year he played in two in the fall--one locally (if you recall, he was so freezing he hardly played) and another in Maryland over Veteran's Day weekend (I stayed here because Mary was coming into town for a long-awaited concert).  But many months later he's stepped his game up quite a bit, and it was exciting to see how his team would fare in their first real outing of the season.  We had back-to-back tournaments in Syracuse in one weekend, so at least we got to start the season with a slightly shorter trip!

On Thursday night, a day before leaving, we gave Craig his early Father's day present, which had been hiding in my trunk for a couple weeks.  He got a collapsible wagon that is a staple of tournament life!  No joke, 90% of parents appear to have one of these.  You load it with chairs, coolers, equipment, and whatever else so you're not looking like a pack mule walking from the minivan to the tournament tent.  He'd been asking for one, and while I wasn't sure it was necessary, it turns out it is!

Even though one of our later trips is going to be our "vacation" this summer, we still managed to tack on a couple additional activities to this trip.  I'd had my eye on the Chinese Lantern Festival at the state fairgrounds for a couple months, and once we found out a Saturday tournament had been added on top of the Sunday one that's been on the schedule for months--and confirmed an early start on Saturday--we opted to get a hotel for two nights to eliminate endless driving and early (earlier) mornings.  I did my best to keep it cheap, but stopped short of the cheapest one because some reviews were a little too sketchy.  We ended up with a decent one--pretty updated, basic free breakfast, and in a convenient enough spot.  Not bad for the last minute!

I took a half day from work on Friday so we could get on the road sooner.  Due to a few circumstances we ended up on the road around dinnertime, which was actually fine because we could eat a little something at home and still get to Syracuse in the early evening.  We quickly checked into the hotel and arrived at the festival right at sunset.  It was great timing because you could see the creations in daylight but also see the effect of the lights inside them, then enjoy it all in the dark.  They were definitely easier to photograph in daylight, but being there at night was wonderful, too. 

 

It was really hard picking pictures for this post, and I still ended up with 29, I think.  I took about 100, though some of that was toggling between photo settings to see which ones worked better with the lighting.  But here's a sampling...

The sky was really pretty as we arrived!

Even in daylight the entry gate was gorgeous!

A canopy of lanterns as we entered the grounds

Elephants

Penguins!

The dragon was so cool!  It was so long!

The moon rose and it was pink!

Guessing these are lotus flowers?  The colors were so pretty!

I liked the flamingos' reflection more than the real things, I think!

Silliness with the giraffes!  Jacob is feeding one...

Fish!

More pretty stuff in the pond

What would a Chinese festival be without pandas?

 

Loved the colors on these

Lion on the lake

Silly boys!

Tulips

Flower basket

Jacob getting silly with a lantern

Dragons

The dragons' bodies were jeweled and I was shocked I could get a close-up like this!

Sea life!  The shark reminded me of Bruce from "Finding Nemo"...

They had ones like this for all of the Chinese zodiac.  I liked the dragon best.

Full view of the entry gate and lantern canopy

So pretty!

The dragon in the dark

These lanterns were even more breathtaking on the way out!

The gate was so pretty...so colorful and grand!

There were some other animals, lots of flowers, and some other artistic forms, and there was also a cultural performance with music, dance, and other special talents.  We only saw that from afar as we wandered around the grounds.  Keeping the kids in check wasn't easy, and dealing with the begging for kettle corn and slushies wasn't ideal, either, but it was a nice walk.  I'm sure the kids didn't appreciate it as much as I did (although I know Carter liked it), but t's not like you get to do something like this every day, so I'm happy we did it.

We got back to the hotel later than I would have liked for our wake-up time, but not terribly late.  The kids are always completely wound up at hotels, so I knew it would take a while to settle them down.  We watched a little basketball on TV while Craig and I checked email and social media, and then it was off to sleep...sort of.  Craig never sleeps well in hotels when he has to wake up early (paranoia from one time he missed his flight), and I was sleeping next to Carter, who decided to be an acrobat in his sleep.  He flipped and kicked and made me generally nervous, particularly because we were in a double bed--rather than a queen--and things were tight.  And of course he seemed to finally settle a bit more by about 5am, so I think I got one decent hour of sleep before I started anticipating my alarm.  We still ended up rushing through getting ready and barely had time for breakfast before we feared we'd be late for the strongly suggested arrival time at Jacob's first tournament.  We probably didn't plan as well as we should have, but at least we got there mostly on time (an hour before game time).

That marked the beginning of a very long day...and an exhausting--but generally good--weekend!  More tomorrow...

Leaving the Nest

This weekend started a busy month of weekends to kick off our summer.  We have lacrosse tournaments all but one weekend from next weekend until the weekend after July 4th, and this weekend was Jacob's training camp for his travel lacrosse team.  It would be his first time away overnight (without any family), for two nights away from us.  It's a great opportunity, both to learn and to get better acquainted with his teammates.  We had to drop him off Friday afternoon at Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT), which is literally down the road from my office.  You may otherwise know it as the place I used to run the Corporate Challenge each year, though that is moving downtown this year.  Anyway, as excited as we were for him, we were also excited to have a weekend alone with Carter.  Jacob had more than four years of weekends alone with us, and Carter has had pretty much none.  A few hours here and there, but a whole weekend?  Unheard of!

It was definitely a different experience taking my almost-nine-year-old to what felt a lot like college move-in day.  We checked in, got his room assignment and key, then visited with the nurse to drop off medicine and discuss the gluten-free situation a bit more deeply.  We sent him with a few snacks just in case, but it appeared they had it covered.  As we were leaving check-in, we ran into one of Jacob's buddies, a kid who is a year older than him but currently plays against him in house and who goes to our church.  His mom was Jacob's lunch monitor for years, and his dad is a lacrosse coach.  It was nice to stroll over to the dorms together.

This is the sundial we walked past (from the other direction) on the way to the dorms. 

The mood outside the dorm was festive and a little chaotic.  There were kids of all ages--from a year younger than Jacob all the way up to high school seniors.  Most of the kids were dressed in their team gear, and there were still a number of parents milling around. 

 

 

It took us a while to get up to his room as the elevators were busy and the stairways were mysteriously locked.  But eventually we got up there and I suddenly felt very fortunate for my residence hall experience.  The hallways were cramped and dark.  A larger than expected freshman class a few years ago forced the conversion of common lounges into quad rooms.  And the individual rooms were tiny!  My corridor rooms were at least a third bigger, and my suite rooms were probably just a bit smaller but it mattered less with a connected living room.  The furniture didn't even really fit, as the dresser was taking up most of the hanging space in the closet.  It was probably comparable in size to the single I stayed in at Dartmouth two years ago, but that one seems so much nicer!

 

Here's the thing--and I told Jacob this when he was talking like he'd be staying at a hotel--dorm rooms are like prison cells.  They are the most basic, horrible little rooms.  You walk in and they're so bare.  Our excitement every year was what awful institutional color it might be (our freshman blue was amazing, though) and what the desks would be like (one year we had these amazing hutches).  But the moment you walk in, the flaws jump out--nicked up furniture, marks on the walls, cold cinderblocks, gross tile.  But then you make the bed, put your stuff on the desk and shelves, hang up some posters, and get a cold beverage out of your fridge, and suddenly it's home.  I refused to take down my posters or other decorations until the very last minute every year because there was nothing more depressing than studying through exam week in a sterile, sad room.  Despite my warning, Jacob was still pretty surprised by how empty it was!

 

I quickly made his bed and he got changed to get ready for his first practice. 

 

Like any good parent, I had to take the move-in picture!

Note how high the bed is, and remember that...but doesn't he look like such a big kid?  Could be doing the real thing in nine years!  (Oh, and those were my college sheets--figured the XL twin was a good plan!)

So, after that we took him down to his team and shortly after they were off to the bus to practice.  And that was it!  He was off for his weekend--well, until Saturday morning when we had to grab him for his lacrosse game, but more on that in a minute.  We ran off to get Carter from daycare, then went out to dinner at Carmine's, one of our favorite places pre-Celiac diagnosis.  Craig and I had pizza, which is so good there, and Carter got his kids' meal (they're so cheap that it's nearly the same price as buying a drink for him alone), and we all had a nice dinner.  We stopped at the Walgreens next door to look at the Redbox (no luck that night), and then went home to let Carter pick a movie of his choice.

It was amazing to not have to yell or separate the kids or get annoyed with potty talk.  I missed Jacob, of course, and thought about him constantly.  But it was a nice break to not have to worry about the kids battling.  Carter was a good boy, too, and overall the whole thing felt a little too easy!  It actually gave me some insight into families with only children.  We only knew life with a toddler only child before Carter came into the picture.  But it turns out that when they're older things get much easier and much quieter.  I can see where things almost get boring!  I guess I'd like more of a happy medium--not having to scream but having enough action to keep it interesting!  I was grateful for the break, though, and we had a really good time with Carter.

The original plan for the next day was to take Carter to the zoo.  However, we found out that a big part of the zoo was closed to prepare for their big fundraiser that night, and that was the first crack in the foundation of our day.  We'd also had a back-and-forth debate about Jacob's Saturday morning game with his house team.  We really wanted him to stay at camp, but he really wanted to play.  We should have just laid down the law, for a lot of reasons, but in the end it was actually good he played because they had a few no-shows and might have forfeited if he or two of his other teammates who were at the camp didn't leave.  But the game was in the middle of the day--we left at 10:15 and didn't drop him back off until about 1:30--and by the time we grabbed lunch ourselves (Carter's choice--Wendy's), it was after 2:30 and we'd only have a little bit of time at the zoo anyway.  He'd also been a little challenging that day, so we opted to go toward home and visit a playground instead.  We went to the one at Jacob's old school, as he sees it when we pick Jacob up at the afterschool program and I knew it was a good one for his age.  He had a lot of fun running around and climbing everything!

 

He did so well climbing across this step bridge!

He is a great climber!

We sat on these little step things and he said we were on motorcycles.

He's riding on this motorcycle and I'm riding behind him..

There was a little girl who I think was probably less than a year older than him running around, as well, and they had a great time together.  I actually felt a little bad for her, because her parents were a bit overweight and didn't play with her at all.  I was glad that she and Carter had fun together, but it was sad when she had to leave and started crying.  We stuck around for a bit longer and Carter wanted to play hide-and-seek...though I think his hiding skills need some work!

This was his spot, and Craig was standing just to my right!  Haha!

We had to stop at Wegmans and pick up a few things, and the boys picked a movie that they knew Jacob wouldn't watch.  After dinner, we all started watching it, but I decided I needed to run out and do some yard work since the forecast for today wasn't great.  I trimmed bushes, which turned into tree trimming and pruning away dead stuff from the underside of another bush.  I got a bunch of bug bites, tweaked my shoulder, and still pushed through to clean it all up.  I didn't have enough arm strength to get through everything, but I did a bunch and was happy it was done.  Of course today I discovered more aphids on some bushes I already sprayed and pruned, but it's definitely a process (albeit one I won't have much time for in the next month).

Today the weather was rainy and cool.  We were trying to figure out how to do church and make it to the last program at Jacob's camp, but in the end the timing just didn't work out for both.  We did church, grabbed lunch, then took off early because we wanted to hit up the county's electronics recycling event nearby RIT.  Little did we know it would be a very long wait--45 minutes in a long line of traffic--but in the end we offloaded an old TV, a broken toaster oven and portable DVD player, and a bunch of old cell phones.  And they presented Carter with a giant popsicle for his patience (although I'll spare you the full story of the potty emergency in the car...but thank goodness we had an empty bottle!).

And yes, it is as big as it looks!

He was already pretty messy by the time we got to RIT, but we managed without a terrible mess in the end!  We grabbed all of Jacob's stuff and headed home.  And of course, once we got here the usual ridiculousness commenced once again.

Overall, Jacob had a great time.  The first night was rough because Jacob and his roommate (a house teammate of his) couldn't get in their high beds.  Apparently neither figured out to pull a desk chair over!  Then the kids were loud in the night, and a knee hockey game broke out around 1am.  I'm not clear on how many hours of sleep he even got, but based on his performance in his game, I think he was a little sleepy.  It sounded like last night was better.  We were worried about the food, and while it seems like his choices were limited, he really liked what he ate.  Practice was "boring" and this morning he was freezing, but he really seemed to enjoy the music and guest speaker, a former NFL player.  He also got his official FCA Bible, which has athlete-based devotions and notes in it.  I really liked that he got a great character-building experience this weekend in addition to the lacrosse experience.  I think he probably learned a lot about being on his own, which is good for him, too.  I think he'll be looking forward to doing it again next year!

The experience was unique for us, too, I think.  It was a little tough to wrap my brain around.  I mean, I was only as comfortable with it as I was because I knew he was happy and taken care of.  It was a relief to not have to yell and keep the kids apart, and I didn't miss that part, but there was definitely a void without him here.  It was a nice change of pace for all of us, but hopefully we all have a greater appreciation for what we have.

Onward to our first tournament next weekend! 

The Journey

Every Tuesday and Friday morning I go to the allergist for my allergy shot.  I'm trying to do two per week, even though technically I could go as little as once every two weeks.  The sooner I get through the first 20 shots or so, the better off I will be, apparently.  I'll be a third of the way there this week.  It's a bit of a commitment to get up and out a bit earlier to get to the only two days of morning walk-in shots, but in the end it should be worth it.  It means, however, that I've had a randomly itchy arm at any given moment, as the shots alternate arms and the itching is pretty rough for 24-48 hours after the shot.  It will only get worse, presumably, as things ramp up further, but for now it's annoying but manageable.

Anyway, being in the allergist's office for about 45 minutes twice a week is definitely interesting people watching.  I haven't really spotted any regulars quite like me, but you definitely see all sorts of people--young, old, and in between.  Every person you look at looks pretty normal, but clearly they've been through something that's brought them to this point.  For me, it's chronic allergies and a lack of smell and taste.  For others it might be life-altering reactions.  My heart breaks a little every time I see a little kid there, and that's pretty much every time.  Some are getting shots, and others are going in for appointments.  Last week I saw the cutest little girl, probably no more than two, and when they called her back to the exam room by name, I was crushed to think of what her parents had already dealt with in her short life.  What kind of scary reaction might she have had that brought her there?  The other day there was a little girl who I overheard is going to Kindergarten in the fall, and her parents were scheduling food challenges to get a handle on what she might be dealing with.  That, too, broke my heart. She was such a cute little girl, but what craziness might she have been through that they don't even know what's actually causing her issues?

I have much the same feeling when we go to Jacob's behavioral therapist appointments.  You look around the waiting room at the families--some seemingly normal like ours, some clearly dysfunctional, and some with a kid who is visibly affected by something--and you just wonder what kind of journey led them there.  Is it a health issue?  A tough household environment?  Emotional or physical trauma?  Are those even their parents, or are they guardians or foster parents?  Are they looking at us with the same curiosities?

God knows we've been on our fair share of medical journeys.  From Jacob's rough first week of life, to his (and later Carter's) reflux, to Jacob's behavioral issues, Celiac diagnosis, and leg cyst, we have been through the wringer in the past nine years.  That's a lot of stuff in a short period of time, and that's only the major stuff.  What about Carter's cow's milk protein intolerance, his suspected rice intolerance, and his recent molluscum contagiosum?  Or Jacob's mole removal?  Recently I saw a picture posted online of a baby in a really odd position, stuffed in a tube with its arms in the air--and I think it was click bait as it was asking what was happening--but I already knew what it was as I instantly flashed back about seven years to the day Jacob had to get a chest x-ray and was placed on a bike seat in a clear plastic tube with his arms in the air, to immobilize him for the procedure.  He screamed the whole time, which was super traumatizing to me as a young parent.  There was another day around that same time where he had images taken of his stomach emptying, and had to lay still for long periods at a time, which seemed impossible with an infant.  And who can forget when I had a breakdown because I realized I had to allow Jacob to have formula when he was a newborn in the hospital, or another one when I had to stop nursing Carter six weeks in.  Those were hard moments.  This parenthood thing is no joke.

Looking back on it all, it's sort of overwhelming.  In the moment it was certainly overwhelming, then over time we found a way to just deal with it and keep moving.  But all together in retrospect, I wonder how I'm still sane (or mostly sane, anyway).  It's so much.  It makes our pre-kid life seem idyllic, actually.  How did I ever fill my time back then?  How did other stuff even register as stress?  It all seems (ironically, no pun intended) like child's play compared to what we've been dealing with since.  It's been such a journey, a truly tough one, though ultimately I know that so many have it so much worse.  I heard something once that if given the choice to trade problems with someone else, we would rarely ever choose to do so.  It appears the known is much safer than the unknown, I guess.  But this experience has given me a new appreciation for--and true empathy for--other families who have had their own lengthy, stressful medical journeys.  After you've dealt with a challenging kid or sat in the hospital room or otherwise walked in a particular pair of shoes, you never see the world the same way.  You know what it feels like to be judged, to feel helpless, to be at rock bottom.  You know how it feels to rearrange your life for your child and wonder endlessly about what their future holds.  Eventually you understand that we're all just trying to figure this out and there is no clear path.  You give everyone a lot of grace...even if they don't actually merit it. 

If we could go back in time and change things, I probably would.  I mean, I don't like that my kids have had to go through this stuff, either.  And maybe I wouldn't be such a high-strung parent sometimes.  But I admit that there are elements of this that have proved valuable--be it my empathy and understanding or a little bit more toughness when faced with a difficult situation.  Most challenges in my daily life that don't have anything to do with my kids seem pretty small in comparison, honestly.  They give you this whole new perspective about what matters.  I can definitely appreciate that.  But these medical journeys have definitely shaped me as a parent.  It's all a part of the process, I guess.  And so it continues...