Jacob's Revival and Decision Day

Jacob's relationship with religion and faith has always been a bit...complicated.  I can't say he was really ever into it as a little kid.  Sure, we did bedtime prayers and read Bible stories and books, and he went to Sunday School.  He barely tolerated church itself, but that was more about being a bit hyperactive than anything else.  We always had it around, but like everything else with Jacob, you could only push it so far before you could expect him to start pushing back.  So, we did what we could and left it at that.

Then he went to Bishop Kearney in 6th grade and he was bombarded with religion daily.  He didn't really enjoy his religion classes while he was there--he tolerated them, took in some nuggets of information, and spent some time pondering his Catholic education in contrast to his mostly Protestant upbringing.  During that time he started on his Confirmation studies, and that was a bit of a struggle.  During the early part, pre-pandemic, he never really seemed to settle in with that group at church, despite going to Sunday School with them for years.  He always felt like a bit of an outsider because a lot of the kids felt really conservative and he was into hip hop and generally an overall different vibe at the time.  We really had to push through his studies, especially once the pandemic hit and a lot of it had to be done independently at home, rather than in a group.  He's not usually into ceremonial stuff, so some of the steps he had to go through to be confirmed felt a bit forced.  He didn't always enjoy the community service aspect of it, and he really had to push through to make his posterboard that was on display for the Confirmation ceremony.  He got through it, though, and I was proud of him, even though I knew (from my own experience) that he probably didn't really grasp the significance at that point in his life.  I had intense instruction four days a week for two years (plus a lifetime in a Christian school), memorized endless Bible passages and catechism content, and nearly aced a 500-question test, so I was as prepared as possible, and yet I still don't know if I took it as seriously as I should have.  He had done far less with even less enthusiasm, so I was just happy we got through it.

Then he went to Northstar for a year.  Oddly, most of the time he felt like an outsider there too.  Politically he didn't fit in (people were still talking about how Trump had won!), and he definitely felt like a lot of his classmates were sheltered and immature.  I figured his religious instruction would be a bit more Bible-based and similar to what I was used to in college, but just recently he was talking about how they spent an entire year in one book (I think it was Acts), and he found that so odd and limiting.  He had to read this book called "The Pilgrim's Progress" which is really old, full of religious symbolism, and uses very old language.  I struggled to understand parts of it myself whenever he was looking for help on his homework.  He just wasn't that into it, even if he at least appreciated how prayer and faith could be a part of his basketball experience while he was there.

Then he went to his current school, and there's been a slow evolution ever since.  His politics have changed.  He stopped listening to hip hop.  He's frustrated by his classmates and their behavior, but for entirely different reasons than before.  We were hoping a diverse school would be a positive (though probably challenging) experience, but it's actually sort of had the opposite effect.  He's essentially seen every stereotype and every right wing talking point pretty much come to life before his eyes--the lack of good parenting, the entitlement, the unwillingness to go the extra mile to break the cycle, the tendency to have brand-name things but then complain about not having money, the effect of pot use, the complete lack of respect.  It has soured him on a lot of diversity-related things and changed his perspectives completely.  It's not that he likes Trump, but if he had a vote it would not be going to the democrats right now.  With all of this has come a lot of perspectives that I, a somewhat reformed registered Republican and somewhat disenchanted Christian, am struggling with.  He watches a lot of YouTube videos by so-called Christian (or Christian-adjacent) personalities that can be really demeaning to certain groups.  He doesn't think Christian Nationalism is a bad thing because the country needs more Christ-like behavior.  He's less tolerant of certain groups than I would like.  That part has been a struggle because I was once in those places and I have learned that they can be problematic.  My views have evolved thanks to real people I have met, stories I have heard, and seeing how certain things can be hypocritical and/or used more as control devices than anything else.  I understand a lot of groups have taken things too far, and now we're in this battle of the extremes, where none of them are particularly good or helpful.  

Like abortion--as a Christian, yes, abortion is not a good thing, it's tragic and indeed it is a form of murder.  BUT the way a lot of the laws have come through, it limits what many doctors feel they can do for pregnant women in distress without prosecution, which can be deadly, and it takes away a woman's right to decide how she needs to handle a serious medical situation, which is in most cases a tragic outcome for a much-wanted baby.  I don't like the idea of using abortion as birth control, obviously, but I also can't tell a woman who perhaps made an unfortunate mistake that she needs to go through childbirth just so she can give that baby up to someone else.  If she makes that choice, that's amazing, but that's not MY choice to make for her.  Having given birth twice, you both understand how amazing and precious babies are, and also what a major sacrifice it is.  As much as I want women to make the right choices, it's still not my place to force something on them.  Not to mention that one party seeks to limit other options for avoiding abortion, including birth control and social services that could make raising a child easier and less of a major financial burden (starting from medical costs and continuing right through how to afford that child once they're born--it's truly astronomical these days).  So, I'd prefer we all look at it from a broader picture and consider how we can save the most lives (including the mother's) and not just be pro-birth--let's look at prevention and post-birth assistance as well to be truly pro-life and pro-quality-of-life.  But neither side is ready to meet in the middle on this.

I feel like so many of these issues should have common sense middle grounds that would serve the largest population of people, but our politics have gotten so extreme that no compromise is acceptable.  I'm frustrated by how Christian Nationalists want to push religion on to others that don't share their faith.  Could this country be a better place if we followed the old WWJD mentality?  I mean, sure, but honestly the way Christians treat immigrants, the poor, LGBTQ people, and other groups right now doesn't seem Christ-like to me in the first place.  If we all treated others with the love of Jesus first, far before any sort of judgment, that would go a long way.  But instead we focus on pushing things like Bibles and the 10 Commandments in public school, or the use of "Merry Christmas" to everyone always, or pushing religious-based laws on those who don't practice--it is just overbearing and rude and exclusionary in a multicultural society like ours.  Yes, the founders of this country were primarily Christian, but it wasn't meant to be a Christian nation from a governing perspective.  Religious freedom was one of the main reasons this country even exists.  I suppose our founders didn't foresee quite the melting pot we've ended up with, so I don't know how they'd feel about where we are now, but I think the active steps toward separation of church and state say a lot.  We've seen what a theocracy looks like in the Middle East, and it's not great.  We wouldn't want those beliefs pushed on us, so why should we be pushing our beliefs on people that don't share them?  And for the record, there's a difference between pushing those beliefs and sharing them in a polite, truly evangelistic manner.  And right now I feel like Christians are doing a terrible job at making Christianity look loving, friendly, and like something other people should want to be a part of.  If Trump wins, I worry about what that intoxicating power might evolve into further.

Anyway, Jacob is identifying with a lot of this stuff despite my efforts to explain why my beliefs have evolved and why my politics fall far more in the middle than they used to.  I see my trans friend struggling greatly right now within this climate, and gay people worried about what a Republican term might mean for their rights.  I know the economy stinks for everyone, but I'm not sure either side has a good plan for that.  I've seen a study that Trump's deficit contribution could be five times worse, and even Elon Musk admitted that the short term burden on the American people could be massive before it evens back out.  I worry in general about all these extremes, the childish and bullying rhetoric Trump has made commonplace, and whether the balance of true democratic socialism could ever exist even with a democratic win.  It's like everything needs to break completely before we can even begin to start rebuilding.  But that could get ugly, regardless of who wins today.  It's scary.

But anyway, it seems like spending most of his time in a mostly faithless place like his school has forced his beliefs out in full force as a defense mechanism.  He's pretty focused on saving his basketball teammates, and as much of the school as he can.  He's been writing Bible verses on the board, bringing his Bible to school, and having theological discussions any chance he can (often with his coach and one other teammate).  He's embraced his faith wholeheartedly.  As a college kid if you would have told me my teenager was like this, I would have been thrilled.  Now...I guess I'm happy but cautious?  I'm having to remind him to be polite, to not be overbearing, to not force something on people who may not want it.  I don't want his Muslim teammates feeling excluded.  In this climate, being an overzealous Christian can have some iffy connotations, and I don't want him actively turning people off and doing even more harm than good, regardless of his intentions.  I ordered a book for him that was a big one back in my college days that I think could have some good advice for him, and there's actually a really good seminar coming up at our church that I think would do him well if it works for his schedule.  Both teach how to work faith into natural conversation and not force it, which I think would really help his cause.  I feel like he's come into this passion quite suddenly and he's still a little rough around the edges, so I want him to be careful about how he does it.  He hasn't really had a good spiritual mentor--at least not one that's good on the evangelism part--and I know how hard it can be to find a good technique that doesn't drive people nuts, so I'm hoping the book can at least point him in the right direction.  I've tried to explain the importance of being genuinely interested in people, that it's so important to build a real relationship before going down that road in any meaningful way, because the moment people think they are being "used" for your evangelism, they will pull back.  It's more about living your life in a certain way, hopefully getting people interested in the "why", and once they express an interest, then maybe it's an opening for a next step.  No one wants to be your project, no one wants to be judged, and no one wants that judgment based on a standard that feel may not currently apply to them.  It's far more complicated than I think he realizes.  Oh, and he also wants to start a Bible study at his school.  I've actually tried to do that stuff and know how hard it can be, so I think he really needs some guidance on that...yet he refuses to use a Bible with notes or study guides (like his FCA Bible from his lacrosse days).  He's asked for a Bible with a different translation, and he also wants a copy of that much-dreaded "Pilgrim's Progress" book for Christmas.  Like, who even are you?

Oh, and he was also really upset when he realized that the one Bible study currently at his school was actually a group of Black Jews, which is a group that believes they descended directly from the Israelites.  They would not let him in, though, and apparently some faction of them out them in the world is technically considered a racist hate group because of how exclusive they are.  He felt very upset and betrayed by that.  I've told him he should try to reconnect with our church youth group if he's getting that desperate for Christian friends.

Anyway, all of this comes at a rough time because my beliefs feel very torn and somewhat attacked by the current political climate.  Almost any church you ask at least insinuates you should be voting Republican, but I'm stuck in perpetual voting hell right now because neither candidate is even remotely in line with what I would want.  Democrats actually do a better job with social programs that line up with how Jesus would have treated people, but obviously abortion is a big no.  Kamala Harris is far from an exemplary spiritual figure, but Trump as the leader of the Christian Evangelicals is laughable if the thought of it didn't make me so sick.  The man's moral record is beyond abysmal and yet people say he was anointed by God?  It's like some twisted alternate reality where "Do as I say and not as I do" is just blindly accepted.  Are these the same people that called for impeachment because a sitting president cheated on his wife, that now ignore multiple instances of cheating, assault, fraud and countless lies?  It's so bizarre.  I'm not saying Republican values aren't important to Christians, but how can we have this be the guy to represent them?  Power is such a persuasive thing, I guess.

I'm disgusted by Trump and could never vote for him, but I'm also not thrilled by the other side and in fact did not place a vote for either candidate for personal reasons.  It's a luxury to be in New York and vote (or not) on principle--it would be different in a battleground state.  I know people say that not voting means I can't complain, but I am not happy with either candidate at all so I can complain both sides should have done better with candidate selection.  I did vote for a lot of Republicans locally, but the big ones where I was hoping for change lost.  There was a major proposition on the ballot that was put there to secure abortion rights if the national landscape gets funky, but it was twisted into being about trans sports and trans kid health care, so it got a lot of negative press here.  Apparently New York City carried it because it won by a landslide despite so much negative press here.  I never saw a "yes" sign in a yard, but it won handily anyway.  I didn't particularly like how vague it was, though, and would have preferred a better rewrite.  I'm essentially sick either way--I don't believe either side has a plan to stem rising costs, I honestly don't want to listen to Republicans complain incessantly for another four years, but I also fear for what parts of Project 2025 could come to pass.  I worry about repeat violence if Trump loses again.  But Trump is a freaking felon and shouldn't even have been able to vote for himself, and the culture of hate and power trips that punctuated his last term will be devastating to live through again for so many people.  And on a more personal note, I worry about my dad's well-being because he's taking this seriously personally.  I honestly think whoever wins, things will get seriously worse before they ever get better.  It's sickening.

I'm...tired.

Halloween, Walktober, and Fading Fall

Well, October is officially over.  After a summer-like Halloween, the rain and wind came overnight and accelerated fall even further by blowing a ton of remaining leaves off the trees, so I guess we're officially on the downslope of the season.  Boo, indeed.  

The last week was pretty nice, though.  We did have a couple days where the trees really started to lose their leaves, and the past peak feeling was a little bit sad because the colors had been really nice this year.  I swear the gorgeous tree next door went from 2/3 full of gorgeous red-orange leaves to mostly naked in a day or two.  We did have this gorgeous sunrise earlier in the week, made prettier with the burning bushes and the colored blankets of leaves across the street.

Despite a bunch of nights with frost, half my plants are still hanging in there.  I have a surviving tomato plant where the tomatoes never went soft (although most have been harvested now), and a zucchini that's still trying.  I kept one flower pot under my table so its last flower could come out.  Some stuff is deader than dead earlier than usual, but other things are still throwing out blooms.  It's the weirdest thing.  I sort of want to tear everything out at this point, but it sort of feels like stopping a tiny miracle, no?  Maybe this weekend.

Carter painted this pumpkin at Sunday School a few weeks ago and somehow it started rotting almost instantly.  It had a visible ooze at the start, and it's all sunken in and soft on top, but we've let it hang in there.  That will be going soon now that Halloween is past.  Sitting next to it is the one flower from my giant porch planter that looked too healthy to toss a couple weeks ago.  I thought it was going after the frost, but it hung in there and keeps blooming.  Go figure.
 

As if it wasn't a hectic enough week with Halloween and lots of appointments, on Tuesday night I realized that my cold brew coffee pitcher had a giant crack in it.  I have no idea where it came from, but more than likely something bumped it in the sink or on the drying rack.  The glass is super thin and Aldi people post often about how many of them have broken, so I guess I should consider myself lucky it made it about a year and a half, but it was a bummer nonetheless.  But it still didn't seem to be leaking, so out of desperation for the rest of the week, I slapped some duct tape on it and gave it a shot.  It hasn't broken yet, but I am ordering a new one.

Wednesday was my big Halloween day at work.  Some years I can't be bothered to participate.  We've had a lot of busy fall seasons and sometimes that is the one thing that has to give, especially when work gets nuts or I'm busy helping Carter with his costume.  This year the theme was pretty simple, and I knew instantly what I wanted to do.  Our suite was doing "Under the Sea" and I've long admired umbrella jellyfish--clear umbrellas with fabric strips hanging down, and ideally some LED lights making it glowy like at the aquarium.  By some miracle, Aldi sold a $6.99 clear umbrella the week before, so of course that made it easy!  It took two trips to Dollar Tree, four rolls of glitter tulle, and two sets of LED lights, but somehow I managed a haphazard but fun jellyfish!  The tulle was a bit hard to work with and the umbrella was already starting to break in one spot by the time I was done, but I made it work...although I forgot that it would be hard walking through doorways and as a result I managed to spill cider on myself before 10am.  Good times.

Ill-advised selfie attempt at my desk!

Our suitemates did a heck of a job decorating, including this mermaid cove.  I am in the middle there.

Here's a better view next to a jellyfish friend.

They really went all out, including this display near the front of the suite that included a treasure map!

The map led to a treasure chest with candy coins and Swedish fish.  It was really cute and the theme was super fun.  Somehow (::cough:: biased judges ::cough::), we only got Most Creative.  Another team that did a Mario theme (not as good as our team did in 2019, mind you) got best overall.  Fixed!

Unfortunately, I had to miss the suite photo because I had my first physical therapy session that I booked weeks ago.  I knew there might be festivities on that day, but it was really the only one I could get since they were booking into January.  My upper left arm has been bugging me for a while.  It hurts when I stretch it, reach high up or under something, move my arm quickly, or reach back for my seatbelt.  Pulling covers over myself also hurts, and sometimes it aches when I lay on it in bed.  It just sort of burned in between the bicep and tricep, for like 5-10 seconds after the initial movement.  It may not be as much of an issue on my right arm, but on my left it had officially gotten frustrating and limiting.  I can't really work out with weights, so I definitely want it fixed for that alone.  I had a similar issue heal itself in my right arm in the last year, but this one wasn't going anywhere.  The therapist figured out pretty quickly that it's impingement in the shoulder, which is when one of the rotator cuff muscles gets pinched and inflamed.  For whatever reason the pain ends up further down the arm.  My range of motion is shockingly bad, like half of the other side's.  I realized it was limited a bit, but I didn't know it was that bad!  The plan is to get the range of motion back through stretches and then start working on getting the strength back.  I can already almost feel a difference after a couple days--some things that would have instantly hurt haven't been as bad.  I typically have a little more time before something hurts, at least.  I hated to miss the photo and lunch, but it was worth it to get started on a solution.  In other medical news, Jacob's tests officially came back negative, so no lactose intolerance or SIBO.  Good news, I guess, except that it doesn't get us any closer to a cause or solution for his reflux.  So now we just wait until January and see if the omeprazole does its job.  His other issues seem to have subsided, aside from a vicious return of the headache on Thursday, to the point it seemed like a migraine with light sensitivity, and it kept him home from school.  Now he seems to have a bit of a cold, so here we go again with another virus.  Let's hope this one is uneventful.  Oh, and Carter had tapered off his face ointments for the sores at the corner of his mouth, and within days they started flaring up again, so I guess we're stuck with ointments and probably headed toward that darn Celiac test whenever I get up the mental strength to survive the wait for the test results and whatever comes after.  I'm just not there right now, in part because my own body is misbehaving a bit again as well.  It's similar to something I had going on last year, so I'm hoping it will fade again like it did before.

Wednesday night I took my last official walk for Walktober, since my steps on Thursday would come via the slow, casual trick-or-treating stroll.  

Last walk photo since my colleague requested photos for a celebratory video of some sort

It's a work thing that encouraged us to get in as many steps as possible for the month.  We had a department team and had a good time encouraging each other.  I had pretty low expectations, but in the end I only missed one day, October 1!  It got very competitive and I didn't want to let my teammates down, so I really had to push myself every day to get in some sort of walk or other workout (which could be converted in the app).  Luckily my Apple Watch made it easy to log things.  I have to say, even though some days it wasn't ideal, it did push me and I did appreciate the extra time outside enjoying the fall colors.  Thankfully the weather was good for most of the month, only a handful of truly brisk walks.

Gorgeous colors on a tree around the corner

This was my final image in the app.  Note that one white leaf.  Yellow means 10,000 steps, orange is 8,000, and red was 6,000.  Not too bad.  

Our team and my individual score were both in the top third, so not too bad.  I finished third on my team out of seven (those two were crazy dedicated, though!).  I lost a couple pounds (although Halloween eating probably took care of that) and I even get a free pair of gloves, so that's not too bad.  I hope to keep it going as much as I can as long as the weather makes it tolerable, although I'm happy the pressure is off--at least until my watch decides that crazy month of long streaks for all the daily goals means that my monthly challenges will get unattainable!

I also had to do pumpkin carving that night.  As much as we normally do a typical face, I saw this on Pinterest and fell in love and had to try it.

It was pretty straightforward and simple to carve, though the engineering of the steps and door took some work, but I think it turned out really cute!

I would have loved to have the time and energy to do the other big pumpkin I got from my work's pumpkin patch, but that just wasn't happening.  Our little setup was still pretty adorable, and there was even a teenage girl who was completely smitten with it.

Carter agonized over his costume for a few weeks, but ultimately nothing really worked out.  I don't like paying $40 for a costume he wears for a couple hours (turned out he couldn't even dress up at school), so I didn't want to go the route of anything at the Halloween store.  He considered the hot dog he tried on at Target last year, but we couldn't find one when we went back.  I offered up a Pinterest version of the light-up stick man costume he saw at the Halloween store, but he wasn't into it.  So, baseball player it was!  He looked good, though!

He was a good sport but I know it wasn't his preference.  But I did tell him that if he can get creative next year to do something more fun, I would be happy to help him with it.  Tween costumes are so tough.  And as much as I like going out with him as these years come to an end, I do hope he can get a group of friends to go with at some point.  I loved going with my cousin my last year and it would definitely be more fun for him.  

I decided to take out my jellyfish for the walk.  Why not get some additional use out of it?  It was lighted for safety and if it rained like it was supposed to, I'd be covered.  Oh, and as I alluded to, Halloween and the day before were both in the mid-70s.  Warmest Halloween pretty much in my lifetime, apparently.  I remember one good one at our old house, but this one was absolutely crazy.  Almost too warm even at trick-or-treat time--I wore my rain jacket but needed to take it off about 20 minutes in because it was still above 70 even once the sun went down.  My jellyfish was a little unruly in the breeze and I spent most of my driveway waiting time untangling tentacles as the tulle liked to stick to everything, including itself.  But it looked pretty cool and I got a lot of compliments.  Some people realized right away it was a jellyfish, and others complimented my umbrella, at which point either Carter or I clarified that it was a jellyfish.  It's hard to capture how it looked, but we tried.

We did our usual loop around the block plus a few extra houses on the fringes where we could.  Candy felt super expensive this year so I think people gave out a little less on average, and I have a feeling more houses stayed dark than usual (aside from the year it was on a weekend and we figured everyone was out at parties).  There were fewer good displays aside from the two houses around the corner and the hayride trailer we saw driving around.  The house that used to have a big garage display but is selling their stuff did have a few things out, including this amazing ghost broom that moved around on its own.  The widow who kept her husband's display going for a couple years appears to have retired.  I think it was out last year but she didn't give out candy, but it didn't make any appearance this year.  It was sort of nice that a lot of people were outside giving out candy this year.  I think it made things quicker and friendlier.  I offered to keep going even once we wrapped back around to our house, to a few other fun houses around the corner, since it was such a gorgeous night.  But Carter was thirsty and had a full pumpkin, so we called it quits.  I sat outside for the rest of the night for the handful of additional trick-or-treaters we got, listening to the crazy kid party at the house on the corner.  We got almost no trick-or-treaters last year when it was freezing, but we probably had about a dozen groups come through this time.

So, November is here.  Turkeys will come out this weekend and now we begin killing time until a late Thanksgiving.  That third full work week is always a tough one, especially when you know what's coming after.  I'll probably have to give myself permission to start a few Christmas things early because it will be a short season once it gets here.  Wegmans has begun filling their entry with all things Christmas (although it's not overwhelming yet), and I saw my first tree in someone's window on my drive home from the store.  It's coming and I am most definitely not ready.  Even though part of me feels like I rocked October because of my many outdoor walks, I guess spending most of the month in a car/anxiety stupor didn't do me any favors.  How is fall (and this year, for that matter) almost over?!

News & Notes, New Car Edition

I picked up my car last Wednesday at lunchtime.  I hate that process more than life itself.  I have to say, the dealership was great and they probably made it as painless as possible.  But the whole money thing makes me nuts and all the warranty crap is agonizing.  I had come to a good place on what I was going to put down and was pretty dead set against the extended warranty.  But then...they showed this compelling graphic about all of the components on the car and the repair costs for them.  The problem with all of these newfangled cars is that everything is electronic.  All the cameras and sensors, a single screen that controls the radio, A/C, heat, and phone connectivity, just endless amounts of crap that can go wrong.  It shouldn't, mind you, as Subarus are good cars.  BUT.  A lot of those repairs were well over the threshold of the warranty cost.  I'll be paying this car off for six years, and if I have to make an expensive repair on top of it, that will suck.  Of course, adding that cost to the payment was not really within my comfort zone, but then the sales guy spoke my language--if I can commit to making bi-weekly payments, I can save $1,600 over the life of the loan and cut off seven months.  That pays for nearly half of the warranty right there, so if I'm really just paying $1,700 for eight years of peace of mind, I guess that's better.  So...that was agonizing but I guess I made peace with it.  And yes, the car is beautiful.  I love the color--it's a calming blue-gray, darker when it's cloudy but a sparkly lighter hue when it's sunny.  It's definitely nice, and I'm pleased with how it drives.  And winter isn't even here yet.

That said, I had about a dozen things to look up in the manual this weekend.  There are lots of buttons and things that I had no idea what they do.  I also needed to see if my plan for my CD collection would work (it will--the hard drive and low-profile USB are in my Amazon cart!).  I needed to see if the tiny possibility that our ancient garage door opener could connect to the built-in button fixes the fact our second opener remote broke months ago, but Craig was gone all weekend and I need his remote to do it.  I wasn't hopeful as I think we tried with Craig's van and it didn't work, and sure enough, nope.  I panicked late last week because I realized the navigation system that ties into my phone could drain my data, but I think I have a fix for that--so far so good.  I was happy to confirm that it did not have power seats, because once Jacob is driving that would have been a massive pain to make all those adjustments every time.  One lever is much easier!  I did realize on day one that it didn't have the trunk privacy screen I thought it would, but my dealer was amazing and found me one without charging me, which was really nice.  Like I said, they did a great job and we will not hesitate to go back there when Craig is ready to trade in the van.  But I still feel a little overmatched by all of the technology, so I have some adjusting to do.

The anxiety is still hanging in there.  I think it's let up some now that I've driven it a bit, but it's still there.  I'm still hesitant to make any non-essential drives, and I'm still on edge even with non-car things.  I realized I was feeling hesitant to even go back to the contents of my old car to start moving them into the new one.  I did sort through them a couple weeks ago, at least, but for whatever reason, it just felt hard to move everything in.  I'm sure there's some psychological reason around accepting reality and facing my mistake (again) and all of that.  I'm still terrified to drive a nice shiny new car that's so pretty and fancy.  I have major trust issues when I'm on the road.  Then I almost saw an accident this morning and it renewed all of that stress again.  Like I've said previously, this anxiety just seems to be hanging in there stronger than past accidents, and I've decided there may be some degree of "the straw that broke the camel's back" happening here--that all of the anxiety that's been hovering around me for the past four months (and likely 4+ years of the pandemic messing with my brain before that) got ratcheted up another level once the accident happened, and I just can't shake it now.

That's not to say I'm not trying.  I've been absolutely rocking my Walktober challenge at work.  October 1st was the only day this month I haven't hit the minimum 6,000 steps, and only three of those days were below 8,000.  I've been hitting all sorts of move and exercise streaks on my Apple Watch, which doesn't bode well for the upcoming monthly challenges.  Now that I've set the bar that high for activity, I will have massive goals to reach just as the weather is going to crap, which will make frequent walking a lot harder.  It's given me more time to appreciate the gorgeous fall we're having.  The weather has been pretty decent and we had a great stretch just as the trees were hitting peak.

Our backyard, looking at the neighbor's trees

The sun hitting this one just right on my walk

The trees outside Carter's old school turn gorgeous red, but they're lagging this year.  This was one branch that had changed.

With all the walks I've been taking, it's nice when something spices one up.  Last week I ran into my favorite neighborhood squirrel--he's white!  He lives mostly around the corner near the school, but most of the time I see him, he's too far for a good picture.  But he was right in front of me, and I remembered to snap a couple pictures.

I guess I caught him mid-leap?

The neighbor's tree just kept getting better--golden hour coming back from my walk was amazing!

Anyway, leaves seem to be officially past peak after a breezy day or two seemed to knock off some of the early reds, and then a few nights of frost seemed to trigger the next round.  My walks have had sections of fully blanketed sidewalk, and some of the colors seem to be fading.  It's still been a gorgeous fall, and I've really enjoyed it to the fullest with all of my walks, but I sort of hate that all of it had this car debacle as a backdrop most of the month.  And now it's a little sad to watch it start the downslope.  I always know that fall loses its glow a bit once Halloween is past, and that's coming soon.  But seeing the leaves start to fade has started that process ahead of the holiday--although it's probably later than average--so I'm already starting to look at November with a little funk.  We'll have exactly four weeks until Thanksgiving, which isn't my favorite because I always want that four-day weekend sooner than that and I don't like a short Christmas season.  I don't think we have much to break up the long November this year, although we do have the election next week, which could make things interesting, though probably not in any sort of good way.  It could be a very rough go regardless of who wins.

Anyway, over the weekend we had another rough day or two with Jacob's health.  He'd been having low-level headaches for a couple weeks, and they seemed to ramp up at the beginning of the weekend.  Adding to it was that he started to have weird pins-and-needles feelings in his hands and feet.  He'd been taking gabapentin for his shin for a few days and we wondered if it had ramped up the headaches a bit, so we had him stop, but that may have made the nerve pain worse.  He was freaking out again, insisting it was a brain abscess or something.  My theory is that he had some sort of pinched nerve, sort of like when I had headaches, jaw pain, sinus issues, and shoulder tightness last year at this time, and the occipital massage seemed to finally set things right.  I can imagine that some sort of misalignment or nerve thing could have caused all of that, especially since the nerve stuff tended to happen in certain positions.  It seems to have eased some, but it was an unpleasant couple days again.  We've gotten the results of the lactose part of the testing he did--that was negative, which wasn't a surprise but was still good to confirm.  We're still waiting on the SIBO part and I'm a little annoyed that it's taking this long.  It's good his stomach symptoms seem better, but I'm still convinced something is contributing to the reflux (which he still has) besides stress, and that could be key.  His shin is still annoying him and we're getting close to basketball season now and he's barely done any running in weeks just trying to protect it.  He's seeing another doctor next week.  He's just so over it and I don't blame him.

Saturday was Carter's last baseball game.  It was an interesting season.  Cut short by rain and a forfeit early in the season, plus a couple rained out practices, it was hard to get in a good groove.  I also missed most of the first half due to being out of town twice and working once.  I was surprised by the quality (or lack thereof) of the kids on the team.  It sounded like a lot of them play travel baseball, but the skill level wasn't great.  Hitting was iffy--some kids were still a bit afraid of the ball or psyched out by decent pitching.  Fielding remains a bit rough, but by the end it seemed like they were getting there unless the sun was in their eyes or someone hit a super hard shot that they weren't prepared for.  The pitching was a constant struggle, and in this age group it's huge because lots of walks = lots of stolen bases = lots of runs.  They usually hit their max runs almost every inning--almost always defensively and most of the time offensively unless they hit a good pitcher, in which case they might score none, especially if the "scared" part of the batting order was up.  It made for a few very high-scoring games.  They had a couple ties and a few 15-run games, but their first win proved elusive all season long.  This last game was an away game in the city, and nothing delighted me more than pulling into the lot and seeing this:

Amanda Conrow was the daughter of friends of mine from college.  I'm sure I mentioned her here years ago when she was going through treatment.  She passed away from cancer in early 2015, but oh, the people she inspired while she was here!  She played Little League on that field, and when she passed away it was named in her honor, complete with the purple minion on the little shed.  She loved the minions, and her favorite color was purple.  The team that does the annual hospital walk-a-thon in her honor is still Amanda's Purple Minions.  Seeing that field in person just made my day and warmed my heart.

It was a weird but typical fall day.  Sometimes it looked like this:

The battle of the sun vs. the dark clouds was crazy.  But other times it was raining and chilly.  When the sun was out it was pretty tolerable despite being in the 50s.  When it was not, it got pretty rough.  Luckily the rain wasn't soaking and we managed.  It didn't strike me as the typical chilled-to-the-bone cold, either, but for once we played a full game (apparently the usual time constraints didn't hold with this one) and by the end we played one more inning than I think most of us were really up for, and that last one felt downright cold.  We were all really ready for some warmth after that!  But this game finally seemed to be a good matchup for us.  It seemed that the backstop was more responsive so every ball that went past the catcher had a quicker turnaround, so there were fewer stolen bases, and I think we had enough over-active swingers on both sides that there were more strikes than usual.  The pace was so much better and rarely did either team hit the maximum five runs.  There were two inside-the-park home runs for us (one shouldn't have been but the catcher dropped the ball) and Carter even got a triple, as did his friend Noel.  We won by a bunch in the end, which was a really nice way to end it.

I'm so proud of how Carter played.  He fits in perfectly with seasoned players after just a couple real seasons and a tiny bit last fall.  He's willing to work at it, and I hope it's enough to get him on the modified team in 7th grade.  We've thought about trying travel next year, but Jacob's travel could be intense this spring (and that really has to take priority because of college recruiting and scholarship potential--I know that seems unfair to Carter but it's true, and a scholarship for Jacob likely benefits Carter in the long run, too).  But honestly, based on what we saw with this team, I don't think travel is really considerably better than what he'll see with just regular Little League next year, so I think for practicality and financial reasons, we'll stick with Little League for another year and see how it goes.

So, here we are at Halloween week.  My costume for work is ready to go (minus some post-transport final construction), but Carter is sort of undecided still.  I'm hesitant to spend a ton of money on a costume that he'll only wear for a little bit at school (half day) and a little bit for trick-or-treating.  It's one thing if he's dead-set on a costume, but given his indifference right now, I'm not sure $40 is worth it, assuming we could even find anything left.  I have a Pinterest idea that might work in a pinch for trick-or-treating, but he wasn't convinced and last-minute shopping was a bust, so he'll probably just be a baseball player.  It's going to be a weirdly warm day, but it could rain for trick-or-treating.  But hey, my costume involves an umbrella so maybe I'll be set either way?  Anyway, the path to the holidays is officially in sight.  I'm not sure I'm mentally ready for it, but ready or not, here we go...

Waiting Weekend

I realized while on my walk the other day that October has been a weird time warp for me.  In some ways it's gone fast and I can't believe we're three-quarters of the way through the month.  But in other ways time has dragged painfully.  Like, yes, it's hard to believe Halloween is next week, but also, I feel like 9 days is still an awful lot of time before that happens.  The weather has also been mostly warm aside from about a five-day stretch of below average cold, and in fact this week we have 70s again.  I assume my mental state and all of this car stuff is the culprit for the dragging.  It's been agonizing in so many ways.  Things are still dragging with the car process.  I'm not picking it up until Wednesday now, which is a bit inconvenient since my rental car went back Monday.  It took until Tuesday to get my settlement approved because the lien removal documents never got sent to me back when I paid it off seven years ago, and Toyota never faxed it to the insurance company the other day like they said they would.  The mailed version showed up faster, believe it or not.  Luckily I have the money in my account to make it work, but what a pain this has been.  And now with one vehicle for a couple days, things have just felt really complicated.

I'm still not happy about driving.  I can do it but I'm really nervous and just don't enjoy it anymore.  The risk of something happening is just all too clear to me.  You can be perfect and still have something happen, so when you haven't been perfect, it just seems like the odds are stacked against you, you know?  I'm trying to be hyper-aware, but then I catch myself momentarily distracted again--not in a way that should cause an accident, just quick stuff--but in my case it did so now I'm stuck in this perfectionist place where I am afraid it will happen again and I have to do everything right.

I was thinking about my past accidents and trying to figure out why this one is harder for me to come back from.  The first one was just a typical bumper-to-bumper in slow traffic one, a stereotypical "accident" for sure.  My car was becoming a money pit by that point, so I suppose I was a little relieved to get an "adult" car that should hold up.  My second and third were both sort of freak accidents with people swerving into my lane on the highway.  My reaction to the swerve maybe wasn't ideal, but both felt sort of like, if I didn't do what I did it could have been worse.  The first one sucked because it was a really bad accident, I was pregnant, and my car was still pretty new and almost paid off.  That one was pretty traumatizing for a long time because of how much worse it could have been, but I think the Christmas season and the prospect of getting ready for Carter's birth helped me move on sooner.  My last one was frustrating for sure, but after an annoying stretch of waiting and being mad at myself, I got my car back intact and could more easily put it behind me and pretend it never happened.  This time, nothing is helping.  Now I have all of that history with three totaled cars, my own stupid mistake, and the knowledge of how quickly a good day can turn bad.  And having a new car will remind me of all of that daily, plus the added pressure of having a new car that's more expensive and fancier than I've ever had, and that there's no room for error now, is just too much.  It's just hanging so heavy over me still, more than two weeks later.  I definitely think I'll need some professional help to move past it this time, because no amount of prayer or rationalization is really helping.  I am forcing myself to drive, of course, but I'm disliking every minute.

What worries me most is that this anxiety has not only taken hold with driving, but it has carried over to everything else--from randomly worrying about forgetting keys or my phone (lots of purse checking currently), or worrying about health stuff or house stuff.  It seems to be seeping into everything, and I know a lot of it is irrational, but I just can't shake it.  For example, I'm all paranoid about this dehumidifier mess.  I really want the company to make it right so I'm trying to hold off on buying another one in case a miracle happens, but I also feel like the borrowed one isn't working right and feel like I need to get that replaced ASAP before we have a bigger issue.  I think it's removing moisture okay, but I don't think the sensor is working right because it almost never stops running, even when the heat is on.  Usually in the winter it runs way less, but during our recent cold spell it didn't stop.  Sometimes you hear it turn off for a second, but it starts right back up.  I guess I worry about it burning out, so I feel like I need to just bite the bullet and buy a new one, but the whole situation is SO frustrating now that it's hard to bring myself to deal with it.  Even outside of that, I just always feel like there's something I should be doing, remembering, fixing, or thinking about and it just fills me with this sense of dread, even if it's not about anything in particular.  It's like when I was worried about Jacob's health, where every moment is heavy, but at least this is mostly minus the instant nausea.  It's not the same weight as something that threatens your people, but it's a weight nonetheless.  

I'm still having trouble sleeping, too.  I keep hoping this is just a hormonal fluctuation and it will go away like it has a couple times in the past, but it's lasting a while this time.  Like clockwork, I will wake up from a deep sleep with a vivid dream about six hours after going to bed, and the rest is a light doze at best.  I'm not uncomfortable or anything, but my brain immediately gets moving no matter how I try to quiet it back down.  So I might doze off for a bit, but inevitably some train of thought or worrying through different scenarios just keeps it a bit too awake so the sleep never lasts long.  I flip over and try again, for however long until my alarm sounds.  I'm wondering if there's a way to mess with my REM cycle in a different way, like with Z-Quil or something, just to trick it into getting back on schedule or at least out of this weird cycle.  I just don't want tiredness to chip away further at whatever sanity I have left.  I really wanted to catch up on sleep this past weekend and it didn't go well.

In other news, Jacob had his stomach test on Friday morning.  He did better with the diet than I was expecting.  He was annoyed for sure, but he wasn't as hangry as I expected by Thursday night when he had his third meal of the day comprised mostly of plain chicken and rice.  He did eat a tremendous amount of food on Friday afterward, though.  We're still waiting on results.  In fact, the whole weekend just felt like I was waiting for something to happen--I don't know if it was particularly expecting something bad, or just hoping for progress on something in my life, or what--but I was constantly on edge just anticipating...anything, or nothing at all.  

We had baseball Saturday morning--Carter did such a good job pitching in the last inning and got on base every at-bat, including a couple nice hits.  After that I did some laundry and grocery shopping and should have been more productive around the house, but I just chose to let myself rest a bit.  I might regret it all week, but it just felt important this time around to watch a show I was bingeing ("Nobody Wants This" on Netflix--heard it was great, I found it cute but a bit agonizing) and make a couple pairs of beaded earrings just because. It's a weird habit but it's cool to see what I can make. We had a nice dinner out together on Saturday night, too.

Sunday we debated doing the pumpkin patch thing, but unfortunately, Craig's meniscus is really bugging him and Jacob is still dealing with a grouchy shin on the heels of his sprained ankle, so they didn't really feel up to it.  So, faced with gorgeous 70 degree weather, Carter and I decided to just go (with their blessing).  I'd like to cram something else in with Jacob later this week, but Craig is starting training camp so I don't know if we'll be able to make it work with all of us.  Carter and I had a great time, as usual.  We were a little worried when we got there because there was a long line just to get in, but it turned out pretty much fine.

Who is this big kid, anyway?

Had to take our wagon ride selfie!

They were celebrating the 75th anniversary of Peanuts, so there were a couple fun photo ops.

The corn maze was also Peanuts themed.  I tried to be festive and consented to doing it, but geez, I still don't know how we got out of there.

Carter really wanted to race the pedal carts.  He had a big lead here but we pretty much ended up tied.

What it looked like in the corn maze, just before we found the exit.  Even looking at the map didn't help much!

The ball throwing was not the same without Jacob there, but Carter had fun doing baseball this time!

Another fun photo op!

We joke about having a pet wallaby, so it was fun to actually see a few.

And of course, what would a visit be without a kangaroo in its preferred nap pose.  This one didn't look as muscular as some I've seen.  

I was hoping to see one they had with a joey, but no luck since they were all napping.  We did the slides and the zip line (always a favorite).  The peacock couple was in the aviary, and if you look close, the male's feathers were so pretty, right down to the tail.

We saw this adorable little pig.

And of course, what would a visit be without an emu portrait.

We ventured over into the little kid area because I mentioned the water pump duck race and Carter wanted to do it.  Of course, only one really worked right.  We still did a timed race!

We got to see the porcupine, too.  Giant quills!

Had to get one more fun photo op of Carter...

...and one more for me!

We measured up to last year--he's definitely taller, but the best measure is his pants these days.  You should have seen how short some of his pants were this fall!

Since we couldn't get a good picture of an awake kangaroo, this had to do!

Before we left Carter wanted to play with the gourds!

We weren't there as long as I expected--long enough to have fun but it seemed like we got through things extra quickly.  I guess he's outgrown a lot, and these days one round of most of the things is enough, compared to a dozen slides when he was little or needing to climb on every little thing.   The extra fun stuff costs more money, and we opted not to do them partly because those lines were long.  It wasn't the same without our full crew, but hopefully next year.  It was nice to get it in, though.

So on through the week we go.  Tomorrow is car day, despite the chaos it's going to cause getting me to work and back so I don't miss a meeting.  Jacob's been all over the place this week, despite our lack of a second car and some evening work meetings, from his usual medical stuff to school basketball shoot-arounds, even though he's still not doing much because of his shin.  And, oh yeah, now he's had a long string of dull headaches to add to his list of symptoms.  It never seems to end, darn it.  And training camp starts this weekend, so Craig will start getting busier as well.  Halloween is next week, and off we'll go toward the holidays.  Geez.  I just need a mental break, somehow, because that just feels like one more massive mountain to climb that I simply don't have the energy for.  But first, one small step tomorrow...