Wednesday, June 3, 2015

A Little Funk

Lately things have just been....tough.  Monday in particular really stunk, and I just feel like so much has been bumming me out lately.

I know the weather over the weekend and into the beginning of the week didn't help matters.  I got cold (mid-40s to low 50s) and rainy.  Super rainy.  Like it started raining overnight from Saturday to Sunday and never really seemed to stop until yesterday morning.  It was so cold and so dreary and it didn't feel at all like June.  And with the winter we had, I guess it doesn't take much to fall into the hopeless-due-to-weather department. 

My job also hasn't been helping.  I'm still thrilled to have it, of course, but the last few weeks have been trying.  I'm still not that busy, so it's leading to a lot of very long days.  I'm just sort of stuck in a weird spot.  It's the end of our fiscal year, so there's a major crunch right now to get a lot of communications out and bring in as much money as we can before the end of the year.  My two superiors are crazy busy (and one is just getting over pneumonia), and I think it's hard for them to even take the time to figure out what's out there that they can teach me quickly.  They're so busy trying to plow through things, and I'm sure there's still a concern about how well I can do certain things with minimal supervision.  I've learned a ton and I think in the long run things will be fine as I learn more and they gain confidence in me, but currently I spend a lot of days either trying to kill time or doing lengthy, tedious projects all day.  It's been challenging.  I keep trying to tell myself that I'm still sitting here making more money and with better benefits than before, but I don't like feeling like I'm not contributing.  Never underestimate the value of feeling like you're helping someone else.  Clearly it's important.

Carter came home sick at the end of the day on Monday, which added to Monday's suckiness.  He was fine in the morning but started complaining about his belly in the afternoon and had a 102 fever by the time he got picked up.  He was such a sad little boy that night, not wanting to eat and asking to go to bed early.  I was super nervous about him having a stomach bug, but that never materialized and the worst it got was a bit of a messy diaper yesterday.  He has still been complaining about his ears, but the fever was gone last night so I'm just going to keep an eye on the ear thing and take him to the doctor if it seems to be an issue.

Jacob has been his usual challenging self.  There are moments where he's great and I'm so proud of him.  He just seems to be growing up before our eyes right now, and I can't get over that he's almost done with first grade.  Second grade seems so...old.  But he is such a challenge right now.  He complains about everything.  Everything.  It's like the whole world is ganging up on him.  The past few nights he's been yelling downstairs after bedtime because he can't sleep.  He refuses to read, but I refuse to let him play on the iPad because that will only keep him awake later.  He's bored and clearly wants company, but I guarantee that our presence will not make him fall asleep faster.  Beyond that, he fights us on regular daily life stuff--having to clean up his dirty clothes, brush his teeth, do his homework, remember to hand in his homework, eat his dinner before he gets dessert, go to lacrosse practice, you name it.  I told him this morning as he grumbled about a perceived injustice that the people that succeed in life do so because they are better at dealing with adversity.  A deep thought to lay on an almost-seven-year-old, I know, but it's true.  Successful people deal with their problems and move on.  The people that quit halfway through are the ones that don't go anywhere in life.  I don't know.  I just want him to listen at least some of the time and not question everything.  Questioning everything may serve him well later in life, but while he's living under our rules, it does not.  It only serves to exhaust everyone.

Beyond that, Monday stunk because there was a sudden death on Craig's side of the family (his cousin's college-age son) and there was a fatal shooting outside the mall five minutes from our house.  Turns out the shooter, a cop, is the dad of one of the kids on Jacob's lacrosse team.  The victim was suicidal and high on drugs and had an illegal gun, but I imagine the investigation into this one could be a little tough since they're only saying that the victim was reaching for his waistband.  The cop did get dragged 70 feet across the parking lot while hanging on to the car, so there's that, but it seems a little extreme that the guy got shot twice.  Basically, Monday was just a disaster, but the funk has been hanging in there for a while now. 

Like I said, I think my job has been a major contributor, but I can also tell I'm getting to the point where I'm craving some alone time with Craig and it feels like it'll never happen.  And you know, even if it does, it will come with guilt and possibly a lot of extra work and planning that take some of the fun right out of it.  We'd love to take a trip or something, but between my job being busy over the summer, and making sure the kids (and Jacob's dietary needs) don't drive anyone nuts, and just picking somewhere and doing it, it's just hard.  But I know we need that time to reconnect and remind ourselves why we found the other so much fun to be with in the first place.  The constant chatter from the kids makes it nearly impossible to complete a full sentence, let alone a full conversation, and by the time they're in bed, we're too exhausted to do much besides veg out in front of the screen of our choice.  We're fine, mind you, but I'd definitely like to recapture that higher level of connectedness and FUN that tends to go by the wayside when you work all day and wrangle kids at night.  Nothing quite beats feeling like stupid-in-love kids again, right?  Perhaps my sense of urgency has grown since my parents just spent a couple days in Las Vegas and it's been 11 years this summer since we last went there (and a lot has changed!).  That's really the last trip we've been on where we've spent hours by the pool and got adventurous at night (not crazy, just less planned, I guess?).  We had a few other pre-kid adventures away from home after that, too.  But outside of a hectic 36 hours together when the Knighthawks won the 2013 championship near Vancouver, and a couple nights in Niagara Falls here and there, we haven't had a lot of husband and wife vacation fun since the kids came along.  We probably need to rectify that soon, but no doubt it's a challenge to coordinate it all.

Hopefully things will get better soon.  The weather is on the upswing, work will get busier, and eventually Craig and I will get some time together...somehow.  The kids...well, they'll continue to keep us hopping, but that sort of goes with the territory.  As with everything else when it comes to parenthood, it's all a phase and will change soon enough.  Now to hang in there long enough for that to happen... 

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