Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Pity Party

It's been a rough 24 hours or so.  Yesterday I ended up having to do a little work, of all things.  I know that's probably not allowed, but under the circumstances it was the least of the evils.  I did my darnedest tot train our research assistant prior to my maternity leave, but Carter's early arrival meant we didn't get as many test runs under our belt as we would have liked.  One of the more technical things I do is mapping, and while we did some basic stuff, she had a hard time with a project that came up, and it was for a new client and the account rep was extra picky and they just couldn't get it to work.  So I did it.  It only took a couple hours, and Carter was a super napper while I did it, but no, it wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my day.  On top of it, Carter wasn't eating very well.  He was fussy and grunty.  He's been spitting up a lot lately, too.  I'm beginning to worry that he's getting reflux or that he's got a cow's milk protein sensitivity.  Jacob definitely had reflux (though we didn't know about it until after he had RSV and spent months coughing) and we suspected the milk protein thing.  I gave up eating cereal for breakfast, which kills me because I LOVE cereal.  I probably should have given up other dairy as well, but cutting out straight milk seemed to help. 

Anyway, Carter spit up a lot and I think it took a bit out of him because he slept a good chunk of the day.  Which meant that between too much sleep and not enough eating, he had a rough night.  At one point I was up with him for two hours, at which point I pulled Craig into the mix, which I try not to do during maternity leave since I have the ability to nap and he doesn't.  During that time I decided I need to try to give up milk and see how it goes.  I can't watch Carter be so uncomfortable.  So, we'll see how that goes.

Craig was extra tired this morning so I got up and tried to help out with Jacob this morning.  Mind you, last night at bedtime I went in to read him his stories and he whined that he wanted Daddy to do it.  When I told him I was, he told me he hates me.  So, he got no stories.  This morning when I walked into his room, he was banging on the door somehow--he was in his lacrosse shoulder pads and helmet, so perhaps he was running into it with those on?--and when I tried to pick out his clothes he had a tantrum and said he wanted Daddy to do it.  When I dragged him into the bathroom, he kicked the stool into the vanity and continued to be annoying.  I tried (for what seemed like the hundredth time) to chat with him about this mess--why he's so mad at me, what we can do to fix it, why he thinks it's funny to make me so angry and sad--all to no avail.  Craig did suggest to him to come in and apologize and give me a hug, but I know we'll be right back to the same behavior tonight. 

It's so frustrating and sad.  I never imagined that adding another child would so horribly damage the relationship I had with my first child.  It absolutely breaks my heart.  I'm sure sleep deprivation isn't making things any easier, and perhaps this is just a tiny blip in the radar, but I can't help but be worried right now.  I had hoped it would get better over time, but it's only gotten worse.  I love both of my children, but I almost don't recognize Jacob right now.  It's like we're strangers in comparison to the buddies we were (at times) before Carter was born.  I know things were far from perfect, but we had some great moments...and now I don't seem to know how to relate to him at all.  Trying to make him feel special seems too much like a reward considering how difficult he's been, but taking the hard line isn't working either.  He just laughs it off and continues...and probably feels like he's being rejected yet again.  Ignoring it, lecturing him, talking about it rationally...we've tried it all.  I've tried spending time with me and he either refuses or sabotages it.  I can't give up all of my time with Carter because I'm obviously his sole source of nourishment, but I am considering trying to have Craig spend some sustained, exclusive time with Carter so Jacob has no choice but to come to me...or at least muddy some of the good parent/bad parent labels he seems to have going on in his head right now.  We'll see.

On the bright side, we had a nice day out today.  Craig's office had us over for lunch since we never got to have the shower they'd originally planned but had to postpone when the organizer had a family emergency in Oklahoma.  We got a bunch of gifts and a fantastic meal from Dinosaur Bar-B-Que.  I felt guilty being downtown and not stopping by my office, so afterward we went there for a little bit.  We hung out with my department and anyone else who happened to wander by.  I didn't do a full-on tour since I get nervous about having him around so many people, but it was good to see some friends.  I was able to change up the decor in my cubicle and pick up the food I left there in my rush to leave.  Carter slept through pretty much the whole outing and only started crying on the way home, since he was way overdue to eat.  It was nice to get out. 

Oh, and one of my normal pairs of jeans fits again!  I got a lot of compliments on my figure today.  I'll admit that I don't look too bad considering I just gave birth less than three weeks ago.  It's nice to lose 20 pounds in three weeks, but I still have a long way to go body-wise!  I still think my nursing boobs look a little sloppy (no bra seems to help that sufficiently), but there isn't much I can do about those.  Hopefully they'll tone down a bit soon.  They make my shirts all look too short, so it makes dressing myself a little tougher.  Doing it in winter is still easier than it was in the middle of summer, though!

Anyway...I'm on my own with both boys tonight so the rough 24 hours could extend a bit.  Wish me luck.

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