Thursday, September 1, 2011

Not such a good start...

Ok, so most of my motherly worrying never comes to fruition. I mean, I worry about things and then plan accordingly (like potty accidents in public meaning that I need to bring multiple clothing changes along for the ride), but most of the really big things never get to the point that I worry they may. Well...turns out my hand-wringing in my last post wasn't all for naught.

I got a call from Craig this morning as soon as I sat at my desk. I asked how things were and he said that last night wasn't exactly the best night ever. At first I thought he just meant that Jacob didn't sleep, but oh was much worse. Apparently Jacob woke up when they got to the hotel in the wee hours of the morning. He was screwing around on the bed, not wanting to sleep, and he fell off. THUMP. He smacked his face on the nightstand and came up bleeding. So, off to the emergency room they went for a few hours in the middle of the night. They glued shut a cut below his eye.

Craig sent me this picture this morning. His eyes always have the dark circles (allergies) and he already had the little cut on his nose (scratched himself in his sleep). You can see a little cut peeking out over the band-aid (a Snoopy one!) but there's a larger cut (Craig guessed an inch...hoping it's not really that big) under there somewhere. It also looks like his cheek might be a little red and swollen at the bottom of the band-aid.

It's so hard to know that my baby went through such a nasty injury and I wasn't there for him. He's fine, running around like a maniac today (no doubt sleep-deprived), but it's hard to know that I wasn't there. I feel bad that Craig had to go through that without me (though luckily he had his parents as support), and I feel sort of helpless knowing that my little boy has this nasty cut and I can't see it up close myself or have any concept of whether it will scar.

I'm trying not to judge the situation because, as I said, it only takes a second. I know that I would have done everything in my power to make sure Jacob wasn't screwing around like that in the middle of the night, but there's a chance even that wouldn't have prevented this. However, part of me is relieved that I wasn't there, only because I'm sure I would have been FREAKING out. So, yeah, there's guilt on that front, too. Maybe all my worrying was just mother's intuition or something. Letting go is never easy, but maybe that foreboding feeling I had had some merit. We'll see how the rest of the trip goes, particularly now that everyone's starting out sleep-deprived.

I'm just sad that my baby got hurt, that I wasn't there for him, and that can't observe the situation myself to calm my fears about (or come to terms with) how bad it is.  I am usually so deeply involved in the goings-on of his life, so to be apart from him when something major happens is such a foreign concept for me.  I feel almost disoriented.

The house certainly felt empty last night.  It wasn't so much Craig's absence, as I'm used to that.  But not having to turn on the baby monitor or check on Jacob before bed, not having to be quiet or avoid his room before he's sleeping deeply, or even just being able to structure my evening as I was all so weird.  I definitely missed the idea of them, but I didn't really miss the yelling and coercing that comes along with having Jacob around.  I appreciated being able to do one major cleaning project without interruption, and knowing that I have a few more days to finish the rest of the cleaning that I didn't get to.  And yeah, I liked being able to sing along to the Party Favorites music station on the TV and dance the Macarena without the risk of waking up Jacob.  I do miss them, but I know this is just for a few days and I need to take this time to take care of something else I've been missing--a little part of myself.  It gets lost in the shuffle far too easily and I know this is my chance to do something about it without it seeming selfish or directly impacting anyone else.  And for that opportunity, I am truly grateful. 

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