Thursday, May 5, 2011

Czech Mate

I'll apologize now for what I foresee approaching--a series of angsty blog posts in the next few weeks as Craig gears up for what is looking like a very probable 10-day trip to the Czech Republic.  His funding seems to be falling into place, and it appears he's gotten the go-ahead from work, so as of now all systems are go.  It's obviously very exciting for him, and I am doing my darnedest to not be a killjoy.  My efforts are no doubt being thwarted by my current run-in with prednisone, or at least, that's all I can figure it is.  I'm on day six of a 14-day course of steroids (in combination with an antihistamine nose spray) to tackle the smell and taste problems I mentioned last week.  The diagnosis was that my nasal passages are swelled up, and it's probably preventing good airflow from reaching all of the smell receptors.  The steroid should help tackle the swelling and get things back to a treatable point (allergy-wise), but so far I've only noticed a little bit of change.  I smelled perfume very strongly most of the day on Tuesday, and I think I'm tasting my food a little more now, but I'm still not cured.  Certain tastes are still vague, and at the very least, I still can't smell poop.  Even Jacob noticed that his diaper pail stunk when I was changing out the bag last night, but alas, I did not.  Still, I'm holding out hope that this assault on my body is worth it.  I feel like crap right now.  By all accounts I'm functional, but I feel anything but.  I'm tired, my mind is a little all over the place, I have horrible dry mouth and throat, I'm a little nauseous yet always snacky, and I just feel like I'm in a general fog, minus the head pressure that usually comes along with that feeling.  Oh, and I feel like a raging witch (or, you know, that other word).  I'm just sort of cranky and unhappy.  Even with the return (finally) of the sun, my mood is still crap.  I simply want to go sleep this off and deal with everything later.  That's the only way I can describe it.

So while I'm trying not to rain on Craig's parade as he prepares for a very exciting trip, I'm struggling.  I've definitely been less than enthusiastic when he's been talking about it.  And while I'm pretty sure a lot of it does have to do with my current mood deflator, I know that part of me is just freaking out about 10 days alone.  There are a lot of little details that I'm trying to figure out--you know, like how the lawn is going to get mowed; whether I can get someone to watch Jacob for the Chase Corporate Challenge, which I'd very much like to run in; what on earth I'm going to cook for just Jacob and me for all those nights; what I'm going to do if Jacob has a bad week and I have no backup; how badly this is going to impair the start of our summer in general, like if it's going to push back our pool opening or anything like that.  It's all little stuff and it's petty compared to the immensity of the trip, but it's all bugging me nonetheless. 

If the roles were reversed, of course I would be excited, and I'd want Craig to be excited for me too.  I know I'd have a boatload of anxiety, however, just wondering how everyone would get along without me.  Heck, I worry about that when I'm gone for a few hours sometimes.  This morning when I mentioned to my boss that all of this was going on, she said, "And you're not going...why?"  I mean, the money is one thing, and so is vacation time, but truly, I don't think it's right or fair to leave Jacob for that long.  It's hard enough when one parent does it, harder still with both, and it's not fair to him or to whoever ends up bearing that burden.  I know my parents absolutely love Jacob and in a pinch they'd take him, but judging by this past weekend and how relieved all parties were to get back to our normal circumstances, I just don't see how we could do it for more than a few days.  I guess this all hearkens back to what I was talking about the other day--that ultimately when you have a couple different dreams that don't entirely mesh, something's gotta give.  And my default is to put Jacob first, so home I will stay.

For all the things that I worry about, I'm still trying to put a positive spin on this.  It'll hopefully be great bonding time for Jacob and me, to be a little team and get through those 10 days together.  It'll take some creativity, and hopefully I'm up for the challenge.  Because it's such a long time, it will force me to work on cooking decent dinners for the two of us, rather than just whipping up separate meals for each of us--the default when we're on our own is usually PB&J for him, a wrap for me, and mac and cheese for us to share.  I need to just get creative and test some things out on him, just so I can try to broaden his palette without worrying about Craig's, too.  We'll have to get some actual activities to spice up the time a bit, even though we'll still have our usual schedule which doesn't leave a lot of time for other stuff.  But I want the time to go quickly and painlessly, and I think injecting some special things into it will help.  Finally, I will do my best to make the most of my evenings alone--whether it's catching up on my shows, actually getting up off the couch to clean, doing projects I'm never motivated to do, or maybe even going to bed early.  That last one may be my main focus, in fact.  I am hoping to use the time to see just how much better I feel if I go to bed at a reasonable time for so many days straight.  Right now I usually get into bed between 11:30 and 11:45, which I already know is too late.  My alarm goes off around 6:15, but I generally snooze until 7am.  I know it's not enough sleep, and I feel the effects.  So, perhaps I should use this time to force myself into bed earlier (11pm or even earlier), just to convince myself that it's worth it.  If I start feeling considerably better, it might convince me to stick with it once Craig comes home, but it'll be hard.  Still, it's a prime opportunity to give it a shot.

It's such a long trip and it scares the crap out of me, but I know I just need to get over it.  It's a huge opportunity and I need to suck it up and be a big girl so Craig can go have an amazing experience.  I know Jacob will miss him like crazy, but it's my job to do what I can to make it as painless as possible.  I still have a couple more weeks to take all this in and start making plans, but expect a few more posts in the coming weeks about how things are going--good and bad.  I'm just hoping that the prednisone haze lifts soon and I can get back to normal so I'm better equipped to deal with the weeks ahead. 

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